tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-290026862024-03-05T22:37:00.452-05:00My Family Sucked!!! Life After Estrangement.Actually MY family is pretty awesome. There are strangers that I no longer identify with, and have not been in my life for many years. I am good with that.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.comBlogger705125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-83269210938123929802016-05-06T13:08:00.001-04:002016-05-06T13:08:03.784-04:00To those of you still figuring out what is best for you, something true and funny....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAOWjByYT1NVE0OdzX7x_gdPXF4t6qBoMKnLrXTQom13RFAi7dcF2nnoTRWbFeooi7irzR3CSKQyrfmfMMe4OiaKRlXA61KUmggPNvGHYuJpF-xtrY1T04jkFzt4PDpOde4w3s/s1600/13138859_1065956156784474_7227918576244529819_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAOWjByYT1NVE0OdzX7x_gdPXF4t6qBoMKnLrXTQom13RFAi7dcF2nnoTRWbFeooi7irzR3CSKQyrfmfMMe4OiaKRlXA61KUmggPNvGHYuJpF-xtrY1T04jkFzt4PDpOde4w3s/s640/13138859_1065956156784474_7227918576244529819_n.jpg" width="374" /></a></div>
<br />Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-41477359940542703812014-12-13T13:46:00.001-05:002015-10-04T16:24:18.731-04:002014 Had Almost No Space Rented by The Donors in My Head<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuHnsNKueuXnyPB1lbRgzJK65kP8vHF_hzvPv5Dj1xSxyjs5qaKXpS_12eQ16unbmBSym6TTgI9YEfF48vpcT2nd0bZKAGJ35pUsoQSiX9KXojB2qlmuXt_vVp4dgiGlnFsEoz/s1600/Ignore+Phone+Calls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuHnsNKueuXnyPB1lbRgzJK65kP8vHF_hzvPv5Dj1xSxyjs5qaKXpS_12eQ16unbmBSym6TTgI9YEfF48vpcT2nd0bZKAGJ35pUsoQSiX9KXojB2qlmuXt_vVp4dgiGlnFsEoz/s1600/Ignore+Phone+Calls.jpg" /></a></div>
This will only be the third post in this blog this year! That is quite an accomplishment for me, and a sign that I am well into the healing process from my toxic family relations. <br />
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Be well and keep on exploring your feelings until you get through to the healing side. No my life is not perfect, in fact we had a super stressful year. I thought land developers only came after you in movies, but that is just not so. We are winning, but we got involved in a fight for our lively hood and property this year, due to unethical practices of land developer who knows the system well.<br />
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So 2014 is being kicked to the curb this year, but NOT because my toxic family had any part at all in it:) So at least I did not have that adding to my stress level.<br />
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Could have done without the land developer too, but that is life.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-77359971281301495822014-06-06T12:43:00.002-04:002014-06-06T12:43:23.761-04:00Found this very appropriate<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEktJudaJmpXZb3ZCPHPAQdZYjdKockBIT9S0dR3ZbcF2VZ8GAMApfx37EtPJguR3RLROjynhYp9H1L7yDt83J2iIrB1KOKea5IOaPPodkpLr7eSZV_ewsKtMnAGk2zZaFhEC6/s1600/Forgive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEktJudaJmpXZb3ZCPHPAQdZYjdKockBIT9S0dR3ZbcF2VZ8GAMApfx37EtPJguR3RLROjynhYp9H1L7yDt83J2iIrB1KOKea5IOaPPodkpLr7eSZV_ewsKtMnAGk2zZaFhEC6/s1600/Forgive.jpg" height="612" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-72249888089418896262014-03-19T12:20:00.000-04:002014-03-19T13:01:15.606-04:00Damage that can happen in your subconscious although consciously you never thought it would.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7SQzynx54T3GGSxepldSAxEHlcDx90bqwjhaKb2S9mDi4IYWhQ1nls1cl8aof6aH_gXddMqQiem244z9QD5xPn3wqD7nA_kyU5l7Ceh6Z5SMJl1e2RYmP90ccMNyjb-o-Y71j/s1600/subconscious_thinking_process.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7SQzynx54T3GGSxepldSAxEHlcDx90bqwjhaKb2S9mDi4IYWhQ1nls1cl8aof6aH_gXddMqQiem244z9QD5xPn3wqD7nA_kyU5l7Ceh6Z5SMJl1e2RYmP90ccMNyjb-o-Y71j/s1600/subconscious_thinking_process.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
First of all, things have been great as far as the "no contact". Not a peep either directly, indirectly, or via the internet. No weird strangers contacting me (who know absolutely nothing about me) asking me to comment on something my donors have said. No pleas from "family members" via third parties to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable so their buddies (my donor(s)) feel good (it's never any concern about me).<br />
<br />
Then I was thinking of the poems I used to write my pets when they died. I thought about this, because it linked to the more recent posts to "family members" dying, and that made me think of other grief. Then I thought why didn't I write poems for Mustache, Leon, Jackie, Stormy, and Jazz. And this made me immediately think of something my NM blogged about how I apparently like to write sappy poems.<br />
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I did not even realize this was subconsciously affecting me. Granted I am no artist with words, I know that. This is not why I wrote these memorials to my pets (and a couple of love poems to my husband). It was to somehow represent something that I was feeling inside in that moment. Because NM could not accept that I was no longer her victim, she needed to take a mean spirited shot at me. And I knew that, but thought at the time this would never affect me.<br />
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Now I wonder where those poems are and if they have been saved. It's like that day that side of me just shut down for someone I had decided some time ago was not worth my while. Certainly not worth these examples of emotional abuse that was her side of our relationship!<br />
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Others have said it's not that ONE thing. It's the constant barrage of things. I for one am so glad that barrage has stopped, so I can continue to get my feet under me and reclaim myself. I love the way those goofy poems make me feel now, remembering how I felt then. So now I will be working on memorials to my other lost pets.<br />
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Try not to let people diminish those parts of you. It's hard because sometimes you do not know it happened until much much later, as it happens subconsciously.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-62590165502022005792013-09-27T19:46:00.003-04:002013-09-29T12:24:24.472-04:00Or, someone can realize the person in front of them is not someone they care to know<h3>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 19px;">"Someone can be a good person and still believe untruths. This is what inspired me to write about Being Wrong. Because I believe that many good people believe bad things about other good people who don't deserve being so maligned. After all, it is said that you have to demonize someone before you can hate them. It's a lot harder to dislike and hate someone who really is a nice enough person. So, to estrange them successfully, it helps to demonize, demonize, demonize!!"</span></h3>
<h3>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">No, for me, it was a very painful look at the reality of the situation. My NM is not a monster or a demon. She is just someone I don't want in my life. So many examples of why including her blog and postings about me on other sites that were "not meant for my eyes", as an explanation.</span></span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span></span></h3>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 19px;">That's fine, but there is no reason to again point the finger of blame at me, and continue to not recognize my valid reasons for estrangement that have been laid out for her (and certainly not denied by her). It's statements like these that have me shaking my head.</span></span></span></h3>
Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-3266000191444900992013-06-22T11:51:00.000-04:002013-06-22T14:21:13.194-04:00Bizzaro World<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVT5B2EPMX5YLH4K9KLLNqG78fSnnGqpvZHbJRZlhBm30OFKq-b2IMS-w1TezlUhGb3YqRnoGe10YlQXAxegl99HhAXsEpeSVRCBfVZCux96_ZcTN-VGKc1ULXc5WmTlqZ5KWO/s1600/975251_10200136538802772_2095710952_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVT5B2EPMX5YLH4K9KLLNqG78fSnnGqpvZHbJRZlhBm30OFKq-b2IMS-w1TezlUhGb3YqRnoGe10YlQXAxegl99HhAXsEpeSVRCBfVZCux96_ZcTN-VGKc1ULXc5WmTlqZ5KWO/s320/975251_10200136538802772_2095710952_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
One of my cousins on eggy's side sent me this picture recently. My Grand Uncle Ernie had forwarded it to her. This picture brought out a lot of conflicting thoughts. My cousin on spermy's side said "what a great picture of the trio". This was not the foremost of my thoughts when seeing this picture.<br />
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The first thing that struck me is that I did not first think the yellow short woman was eggy. She actually seems to look more like my Aunt Sojna (no blood relation to eggy). Or maybe my cousin Debbie who was roughly her age, I think.<br />
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I think there are a couple of reasons I have trouble recognizing her. One being, is that woman has almost no similarity in my mind to what I know of her now. Even her interests...she used to play softball, we used to hike in the mountains, and I did feel loved at this age by both eggy and spermy. I am probably six in this photo, maybe even five. The physical exercise stuff she pretty much hates now, and may have even hated then. It is hard to fit the perception of her by my six year old self, to my perception of her as my 40 year old self. I can pick out things that hinted at what I understand her to be now, but taken as a one time thing could have just been anyone having a bad day or making a bad choice. Looking back on days like this (I don't remember the exact one, but I remember days like this in the Cape) I see two people that I have not seen since (in spermy's case) age 9 and (in my mother's case) around age 16 or 17. Though I would say I knew something was not right around Junior High, but the real realizations started to trickle in around 16 to my 20s. <br />
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It strikes me how captive young children can be into their parents "situation". There is nothing a daughter can do if their father dislikes women. You can not keep yourself, for instance, from becoming a woman instead of a cute toddler girl who thinks her father is right in everything before learning to think for herself. In third grade, I loved my teacher Mr Sullivan. Not in a romantic kind of way, he was just fun, interesting, and into teaching his students. He made everyone in his class feel special. One day I came home enthusiastic about a lesson or idea that Mr Sullivan had taught us that day. I was met with a lot of hostility from Spermy. I look back on that day as the day the guy in the picture above became deceased as far as my perception of him. It was not that little incident understand, it is every incident that snowballed after that. I never felt loved or cherished by spermy pretty much since that day. I did not understand why. I did not even really understand what was happening. It was not until reflecting the course of our relationship later on, that I could pick out what seems to be a pivotal moment when perhaps both of our opinions about each other changed drastically.<br />
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It is clear now that spermy was threatened by my interest in my teacher vs my compliance in agreeing with him instead of forming my own opinions. I was brought up correctly so to believe racism and sexism is bad. However, I found later, that these were not the ideals of my donors inner most thoughts, and sometimes public verbal thoughts. I know that eggy thought she was a feminist, and that she was independent. However, much of what she writes is about the dependence she has on people viewing her a certain way. Part of that is narcissist but part of that is also not understanding that you need to take the reigns of your own destiny. And that is not representative of a strong or independent woman.<br />
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When those things start to diverge for me, I realized that my donors were pretty much strangers. Through other events and things that happened, they ended up being strangers that I did not like at all.<br />
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It's so weird to see a photo like this for this reason. It's like looking into an alternate universe. A bizzaro world where these people grew together, were close, and lived happily ever after as the loving family they appear to be. <br />
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I guess it troubles me that I had no control, and have no control of how the story of that family turns out.<br />
<br />Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-28912802890360454982013-06-12T12:10:00.003-04:002013-06-22T11:52:11.937-04:00WTF?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkMN0G8n6JKQRIzf3zRFU4RNYpU-vg4Q98a5NycekisXl6NC3fnIpY0WcRD_MalfUGgzQr__oIEiuYave0r_DKszk0XedyZM-5v8rbCdmZxyXBs6HiccwGvofN1xswQifStJ1P/s1600/wtf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkMN0G8n6JKQRIzf3zRFU4RNYpU-vg4Q98a5NycekisXl6NC3fnIpY0WcRD_MalfUGgzQr__oIEiuYave0r_DKszk0XedyZM-5v8rbCdmZxyXBs6HiccwGvofN1xswQifStJ1P/s1600/wtf.jpg" /></a></div>
Yes I see that you have been peeking in several times since Lynn's death. And no, I don't accept your invitation to "connect" on Linked In.<br />
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Say it with me "dysfunctional triangulation" yet again. If I had an interest in "connecting" with you, I would call you, as most normal people would do. Perhaps write. Instead of triangulating your messages through relatives or websites.<br />
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I DO NOT have any interest in contacting you. Lynn's death has NOT inspired me to disregard my boundaries or my happiness. <br />
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And if we see each other at an event soon, just try to act like a normal human being. You know "hi" and walk on by. Not glare, or press up against the redbox distribution center, or scowl, or any of the number of things you usually do. Unless it is the other one, in which case also just try to act like a human being. Let me talk to my relatives if I want to without running up and inserting yourself in between as you did at the anniversary party. Trust me, I have no interest in talking about either of you.<br />
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Just going to support the groom and bride. So please, don't take these as opportunities to do whatever selfish and inconsiderate thing it is that you are tempted to do. Try just try to be decent one time. It would be appreciated.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-36048718280472224272013-05-26T10:57:00.001-04:002013-05-26T11:12:27.817-04:00More complicated thoughts on estranged "family" death<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGwN4mpfIwON__rspEf6LoeQNithv8IKroIakXjGyWPlHq2YWCL9lc7ullc66Vd-l8k7xxNojZAyYf3U36kOD2dtxaf2Gad4-SsE_POEPx3oL3psanNNtsVhjRb2NKqdZbl3lv/s1600/gravestone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGwN4mpfIwON__rspEf6LoeQNithv8IKroIakXjGyWPlHq2YWCL9lc7ullc66Vd-l8k7xxNojZAyYf3U36kOD2dtxaf2Gad4-SsE_POEPx3oL3psanNNtsVhjRb2NKqdZbl3lv/s1600/gravestone.jpg" /></a></div>
I am very sad when people die. It very much affects me. I am also compassionate for the families of their relatives who are now gone. <br />
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Strangers die, people I have watched on TV die, acquaintances die, people I have seen around town die, co workers die....and some of those people (not all but some) I have had a closer relationship than my own FOO. Should I die, I do not want someone showing up at my funeral that I have chosen not to speak to for years---sometimes more than a decade even if we might share a gene or two. I will be grateful for their mourning, but please do not desecrate me if you were not in my life with your pressence in my death.<br />
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In the same way, I have chosen to honor my cousin without pretending our relationship was something that it was not. People closest to her that chose to keep their relationship real and alive with her should surround her at her funeral (assuming that was her wish). <br />
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If this was myself (which it is notand I know that), I want a cremation and very private perhaps non existent memorial. I do believe that my cousin who passed was not in spirit itching for me to rush down to be with her body and a bunch of people who have not bothered to reach out to me until a death in the family (typical by the way). Trust me, if she had not talked to me for years (and we had no falling out, I believe it was an organic growth of our dysfunctional family state), at no point would her big concern after death be whether I was there or not at her funeral.<br />
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I guarantee you, my spirit will not be zoning for people I have not talked to for a decade or more when I go (but maybe that is just me, and just because I have dealt with that already). Just scatter me with my pets around the beach or the yard by someone who truly loved me, and was with me through the happy, the sad, the bad, the good, the sickness, the health, the poor times, the rich times, through work, through play, and on and on. Do not come to me after I die to say how much you blah blah blah. You did not even know me. I did not know my cousin that well, only superficially. I did like and respect her. I think I knew something of what she might of felt about our family. Then again maybe not. I have not talked to her for a very very very long time. Before then, we may have talked once to three times a year, even when we were little. We never corresponded on Facebook or anything like that. Never shared a really deep thought.<br />
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I feel for her, and I feel for her family. Got a call from my Uncle, which I did not return, after about seven years of him not bothering to contact me even after I reached out long ago. This is not a punishment to him, he is just not in my life. I worked very hard to purge myself of the virtual strangers that can take and can demand, but can never give or empathize in return. And I do empathize with them, but they don't need me. I don't need them to use me as their proof that I will come running, and after all we are a close family. We ARE NOT FAMILY EXCEPT IN THE MOST STRICT BIOLOGICAL SENSE.<br />
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I know the cashier at the grocery store better, and I like her more. (A bit harsh but I speak the truth here) So while I feel sorry for them, they are going to need to turn to the people they have kept in their lives. I grieve for my cousin on my own terms. I certainly do not want that poison to surround me in my time of grief---that is really about lost opportunities for her.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-53336518471008290212013-05-10T11:03:00.001-04:002013-05-10T11:03:57.128-04:00Deaths In The Estranged Family<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhotcE3MGUFrw2CQl5p46UkhqURQcAfVNody0mF7O-8Hiy2BL0i68vggvCZFlL2Wr7OgnUNly2gh614tb7eDGlY8iD8g2uMBU2yvdom93Xt58dmVI5090Q2yEO8RY7qjUELl-by/s1600/Angel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhotcE3MGUFrw2CQl5p46UkhqURQcAfVNody0mF7O-8Hiy2BL0i68vggvCZFlL2Wr7OgnUNly2gh614tb7eDGlY8iD8g2uMBU2yvdom93Xt58dmVI5090Q2yEO8RY7qjUELl-by/s1600/Angel.jpg" /></a></div>
Found out that my Step Monster's sister died this last February. Her sister was actually a nice and seemed to be real person. I remember when her fist child came along, how very very happy her and her husband were. Then their second child came along, and was met with more happiness and love.<br />
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She was smart, educated, warm, funny, and was loyal to her family. I was never in her inner circle, but I appreciated her for the woman that she seemed to be. She was taken much to early, apparently from breast cancer. I don't really know, but the family requested donations be sent to a breast cancer research foundation, so that is my guess. I believe she was in her sixties, so she was pretty young actually.<br />
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But not as young as my fifty year old cousin that died this month. Her brother, the one cousin still in touch with me, was good enough to let me know. I had not talked to my cousin in some years. We were somewhat close once, and then moved apart. Actually, although not officially estranging from her family, my cousin lived a distinctly separate life from her family.<br />
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There are quite a few sad parts to this tale for me. One was that she was about to move to Florida to spend more time with her family. She was just on the brink of putting all that in place when she died. Or maybe that is a somewhat happy thing is that she probably died in her sleep, while being excited about this. I only wish she could have full filled that adventure.<br />
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The other sad thing is, and I can only guess this from coming from the same family, is that I don't think she ever felt comfortable being her authentic self around her family. My family tends to converse in criticism. My grandmother used to converse this way, and I finally figured out this was her way of saying she loved you. So I would just tease her about that (after I figured that out) and call her out on this.<br />
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It is my opinion that my aunt uses this same technique, but I am not ever sure that if she does feel genuine affection for all of her kids, that they have felt that. There is something about a constant chipping away of saying "your too fat", "when will you settle down", and on and on that if you accept that and let that poison seep into your system, you internalize it and it owns you. No amount of jawing the words "I love you" will undo that, without the opposite actions of showing actual love. When someone makes it seem at least that they love your successful career, but not this other part of you, it makes you hide and cover things that are perhaps not that grim or worth covering up.<br />
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I have come to a place where if a relative is doing something self destructive, you should perhaps let them know of your CONCERN (different than criticism) one time (maybe two times). You know after that, they are going to do what they are going to do. You can either have a good and loving relationship until the end, or you can have an adversarial relationship or the appearance at a relationship at the end. As long as that relative is not hurting you, and you have let them know you are there to help them, there is no point in heaping criticisms upon them or upon loved ones of theirs. Especially if they are not hearing any positive things from you to counter balance that. I still believe that harping on a criticism that is not relevant to you presonally, can only be harmful to the other person.<br />
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I don't know that this is what happened with my cousin, but if it did, I wish she had an opportunity to fully deal with that, and have authentic relationships in her life. She was a bit self destructive perhaps, but I think this was born of the ability to ignore a nagging voice that she let inside her head, which may have insisted that these criticisms were all there was to her.<br />
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When we used to get together, there was fun in my cousin and she could be very funny. I think she was very lonely and felt alone however. I know that feeling, and when you do not perhaps have a partner to share that with, and you can't share yourself with your family (or you feel that way) it erodes at you if you let it.<br />
<br />
I think while my step monster's sister died too early, that she did have a happy and fulfilled life. I don't know that for sure of course, and everything in my family is about appearances....but she seemed too real to be masking a real unhappiness. Lynn on the other hand, I think was maybe just about to blossom at 50. Perhaps establish real connections in her life that might have been less than she wished for before. Course I had not seen her for many years, so I will never know. We had grown apart when I was having my own struggles coming to terms with what my family meant to me.<br />
<br />
I was more on the outskirts at any of my step monster's functions even when I was "in" the family. My cousin and I spent time together growing up, and seeing each other at the minimum at family holidays that my grandparents used to host. My cousin lived on a lake, so my aunt and uncle would also have events that they would host as well. When we grew up, I pretty much counted on her to hide with me in the corner from the rest of my family LOL. I didn't really realize at the time that we may be doing this, but we would both grab a glass of wine and head for a quiet part of the room and converse most of the time there.<br />
<br />
Anyway, two beings have left the earth at too early an age. I grieve them. I remember the good times, and the great things about each of them. My step monster's sister will live on in her children. My cousin will live on her her nieces and nephews, who she adored and who adored her:)<br />
<br />
I wanted to capture my feelings about my cousin and my step aunt here. Later I will post some more complicated feelings and situations this brings about. I hope I have honored them both in some way. One way is to be sure that I take care of myself, and spend time with those that I love and who love me. To try and break out of my inner shell on occaision and have as authentic relationships as I can have with those people. I miss that they are not in the world anymore have the lives that I imagined for them. I wish them peace and happiness where they are now.<br />
<br />
I wonder if this is such a hard task for most everyone in the world, or is it just me and my family.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-20498814745714594752013-05-01T11:47:00.000-04:002013-05-01T11:47:00.259-04:00More Voices from The Web <a href="http://soveryslightlymad.wordpress.com/2012/11/03/delusions-of-the-estranged-parent/">Delusions of the estranged parent</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1690766-Letter-from-my-estranged-dad-clarity-needed-sorry-long">Letter from estranged father</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/137361/a_letter_to_my_daughter">Letter to a daughter</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/mom-of-estranged-adult-children-all-topics/discussions/messages/15145168">Should I write an amends letter if I have nothing to apologize for</a> <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.webanswers.com/legal/estates-wills/estranged-father-dies-two-daughters-need-some-advice-on-things-cefbfc">Estranged father dies, what to do with bills</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://tinagilbertson.com/estrangement.html">How to deal with estrangement</a> <br />
<br />
<a href="http://deeperstory.com/when-peace-is-a-burned-bridge/">When peace is a burned bridge</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://happyhausfrau.blogspot.com/2013/04/dont-tell-me-how-to-parent-co-parenting.html">Don't tell me how to parent</a><br />
<br />
Found all these great blog posts (or on other forums) over the last month. I try to give a smattering of all the different situations that I find. I think these are important issues to think about from all angles and perspectives.<br />
<br />Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-29322095852500585642013-04-02T20:37:00.000-04:002013-04-03T10:37:14.116-04:00Six posts over three years to say you are wrong? Or that everyone else is wrong?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There has been <a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/">an elephant</a> that I have been trying to ignore, but have become fascinated by it. My egg donor has been writing a now six part series on "being wrong". I have no idea what the point is to any of these posts.<br />
<br />
You would think I might have some insight into this, but even looking at these seems akin to falling down the rabbit hole that is my egg donor's rational in the worlds of things too big and too small (and way off kilter). It's been a couple of years since I have specifically brought up either of my donors as a topic, but I am just too fascinated. It's sort of like seeing something disturbing (like the injury to the basketball player in the news) and yet need to look to be sure it's okay. When you look though, there is no way this is okay (or sane). My mother wrote a similar odyssey of her martyrdom, sacrifice, and the harsh cruel world that forced it's indignities on her in parts <a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2006/05/going_back_to_1.html">I</a>, <a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2006/06/difficult_choic.html">II</a>, <a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2006/06/the_end_of_the_.html">III</a>, and of course<a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2006/06/the_bottom_line.html"> IV</a>. I have linked my thoughts as this series went on <a href="http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/search/label/Egg%20Donors%20First%20Series">here</a>.<br />
<br />
Now to be followed by the six, yes six, and lengthy part series on "being wrong". I had done some posts on her previous four part series, as I was confused as to the purpose of these postings. You know this was not new to me, except for one disturbing piece of information. I had after all, been the accident that began the whole story, and lived in the house as the "events" unfolded while living in the donors self involved dramas as the bit part pawn. Course I shouldn't be surprised that the egg donor might have forgotten that I was there at all!<br />
<br />
So now we this most recent series that I will try to summarize the message of (though I am thoroughly confused as I read them, and wonder if some sort of small stroke might have occurred or dementia):<br />
<br />
<a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2011/05/family-estrangement-being-wrong-the-book-the-experience.html">Part 1 May 30, 2011</a> Entitled "Being wrong the book the experience" Here we find that she finds her friends are wrong about Bob and Janice (see part 4). So she is first not liking them, but then finds her friends are wrong, and likes them. So here is where she is wrong, but then wait for it...Part 4 nix that, she was right all long! In each she is the hero or the victim. Heroically she reverses her sheep like reaction, and overcomes her wrong friends. Then she finds she is a victim to her rescues, and her friends were right after all. Meaning ultimately, she was always right, always doing the right thing.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2011/06/more-on-the-subject-of-being-wrong.html">Part 2 June 14, 2011</a> Entitled "More on the subject of being wrong"talks about deception on the Bachelorette? Um, er, okay. This is reality.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2012/10/being-wrong-post-3-when-youre-just-plain-wrong.html">Part 3 October 2, 2012</a> Entitled "When you are just plain wrong" Talks about how she was wrong on her assumption of Hugo (you might think one would notice a trend in themselves by now...ASS umptions based on nothing more than the marbles rolling around in her skull) <br />
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<a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2012/10/being-wrong-part-4-how-is-it-that-sometimes-we-choose-the-wrong-answer.html">Part 4 October 4, 2012</a> Entitled "How is it that we choose the wrong answer?" Now it is Bob and Janice, started from an above post. Now they the very horrible people she first thought they were based on other people's opinions, who she found to be wrong previously (LMAO). So is that like a double negative, where wait for it, she was right all along.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2013/03/being-wrong-part-5.html">Part 5 March 28, 2013</a><strong> (***and I have to note this came after "someone" was reading extensively on my blog after I posted on 3/25)</strong> She read a book called Being Wrong. In it it described an experiment where people would give an incorrect answer (on something that would be obvious) in the presence of other people who gave an incorrect answer (sounding like peer pressure or the sheep response to me) Other people apparently incorrectly believed they were paralyzed. So we are all capable of believing anything at all, and thus are always incorrect (you know except possibly one person *her*) Blah blah blah, and how others treat other strangers on the Internet regarding what side of estrangement they are on, and blah blah blah blah and we get to the Carol story. Who may or may not have been a perfectly lovely angel, but the point is Tim would have had to be wrong but not meaning to be wrong. But Eggy knows of course. And blah blah blah to a final point of that could people can be abusive while thinking they are doing a good thing.... (um, if they are and they are good, they have apologized once they realized this, and not taken this as their excuse as to having not done anything wrong at all). Doing the "right" thing and being abusive are not compatible. Sorry, not going to excuse eggy nor should anyone else excuse eggy's behavior for this lame "excuse". Its taken her many many years to think this one up, she should have done better.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/2013/03/being-wrong-part-six.html">Part 6 March 29th 2013</a>: From part five, what if she was her friend Tim that was clearly wrong (and why wouldn't eggy be sure about it one way or the other) about the other friend Carol. Sometimes we are all Tim, though she does not know why we would be Tim. "People" have likewise be "wrong" about her and that makes her both pained and irritated. But in the end, she magnanimously accepts other people's right to be wrong, and perhaps not even know they are wrong. Guess that is probably someone like me. I wouldn't bother to list all the things that I have been "wrong" about that have been acknowledged AND are out there in black and white. Where she was being abusive but "thought she was doing the right thing"---give me a fucking break. Seriously, she bore birthed and brought me up, did they tell her I was retarded?<br />
<br />
So you get the point of her series right? I'm off to see the caterpillar and smoke whatever comes out of his pipe. My advice is this. When you are wrong, step up, apologize, immediately. Don't wait years and then try to come up with excuses in a series of senseless blog posts. I am not assuming she is posting for my benefit by the way, I just wonder how many other people know her who she thinks are idiots that would believe this claptrap (be they Carol, Tim, Janice, Bob or the Jabberwocky). That is the wrong way to say it, who she thinks are to stupid to see through to what she really is. Yeah, I definately look at her through a dark film, as I have experienced her first hand once upon a time.<br />
<br />
I have dealt with being wrong right away in the moment it happened. There is no excuse for not owning up to what one has done or taking ownership for it. You can't disguise it as having abused someone while thinking you were doing the right thing, as everyone knows it's bullshit. The only one someone who thinks like that is fooling is MAYBE themselves. The very sad thing is that they (self absorbed, the selfish, narcissists) are really trying to fool their victims. They think all these words will hypnotize their intended victim into a stupid state of unconsciousness. <br />
<br />
I don't think all the parts to this newest (senseless) series is over by a long shot either. Perhaps I am wrong, and I will own it if I am, but she seems to be doing a very dysfunctional dance trying to exonerate herself for something. Abuse, being wrong, I don't know. I don't care. Maybe I am wrong about my opinions about her, but I have earned those opinions and would have to ignore so many actual actions and writings to dispute my theories about her----and that would make me an idiot. I don't like her or trust her to want to be an idiot for her. Been there, done that, it's over.<br />
<br />
Anyone want to take any bets on how many more parts there are to go? I am going to say there will be eight parts by the time she is finished.<br />
<br />
<br />Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-68313646117893600152013-04-02T15:15:00.000-04:002013-04-03T08:18:45.287-04:00Family Estrangement BlogsFor myself, I know a lot of healing has been going on. For the bloggers that I have followed, I think the same has been happening for some of them. Hence I assume this to be the reason for the decrease in their blogging.<br />
<br />
I did want to start searching for some new bloggers just, perhaps, beginning to dip their toes into their feelings on their dysfunctional families. Some of these blogs I am finding, do not specifically deal with this topic as the premise for their whole blog. I found at least two very compelling items today to share though:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://unkilleddarlings.wordpress.com/2013/03/09/a-letter-i-wont-send-to-my-estranged-father-real-life/comment-page-1/#comment-157">A Letter I Won't Send My Father</a><br />
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<a href="http://unkilleddarlings.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/the-email-i-did-send-to-my-estranged-father-yikes/">The E-Mail I Did Send to My Estranged Father</a> <br />
<br />
I do not have the same circumstances, but could definitely identify with the emotions and conflicting feelings and thoughts.<br />
<br />
I found some more articles (but not individual blogs) on family estrangement topics:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://blog.timesunion.com/healthylifemagazine/relationships-navigating-the-waters-from-estrangement-to-reconciliation/4182/">Advice on moving from estrangement to reconciliation</a> <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/15/us/facebook-complicates-family-estrangements.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0">Facebook and Family Estrangement</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Top_Ten_Points_To_Consider_Before_Reconciling_With_An_Estranged_Family_Member.html">10 Points to Consider Before Reconciling</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/we-dont-have-to-agree-on-everything-especially-with-loved-ones/#more-10887">We don't have to agree on everything</a><br />
<br />
The actual personal blogs were harder to find. I had to find them by going to older family estrangement blogs, and figuring out who they followed and who was still posting. This led to these:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://releasingjessie.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-elephant-in-room.html">The Elephant in The Room</a> <br />
<br />
<a href="http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2013/04/narcissists-are-attention-whores.html">Narcissists are attention whores</a> <br />
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<a href="http://breakingthetyrantsrod.blogspot.com/2013/03/what-narcs-hate-most.html">What narcs hate the most</a> <br />
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I hope everyone is well, and enjoys these articles. It used to be easier to discover these posts. I guess the Internet is clogged up with all sorts of information and blogs these days. Remember, you are not alone in your experiences. At least there are similar ones out there, and some people that can provide you some information and insight on handling it.<br />
<br />Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-33835568014918777382013-03-25T13:01:00.002-04:002013-03-25T13:01:48.587-04:00Peaceful First Quarter of 2013!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7oWqdCWnRbERjR1wgwMpdWzPG0-T-HYnp7dTI-LAY3sRp5z84ABxbQ7IuT7CLzh-kJDiDVyCkNYV0Z0QKoVDmlp5pgi0dbi18sFSR97dVDl_vrqZSVnZQ4f3TtuixWmKKAzxz/s1600/Peace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7oWqdCWnRbERjR1wgwMpdWzPG0-T-HYnp7dTI-LAY3sRp5z84ABxbQ7IuT7CLzh-kJDiDVyCkNYV0Z0QKoVDmlp5pgi0dbi18sFSR97dVDl_vrqZSVnZQ4f3TtuixWmKKAzxz/s200/Peace.jpg" width="196" /></a></div>
On the estranged family front, things have been very peaceful. I am hopeful that it will remain thusly! The business is doing well, my remaining dogs are doing well, and life is good. I even managed to take a little me time off and go on a mini vacation.<br />
<br />
<br />
Maine still has some snow, and possibly another "snow event" to go. I am okay with that, however:) I am looking forward to seeing the ground again hopefully in the near future.<br />
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We have been taking care of some personal financial business. Hopefully that will all fall into place as hoped.<br />
<br />
It's been very nice not having the additional stress of unwanted attentions of people that really have no interested in me. Instead of feeding any energy into futile relationships, I am able to funnel my energy in the relationships and things that matter.<br />
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I hope all the best for everyone else who has had a similar and unpleasant journey. When things work out for the best for all involved (including yourself), then everything gets a little better and easier to deal with.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-24302915780809301332013-01-09T10:43:00.000-05:002013-01-09T10:44:24.561-05:002013 Should be a Peaceful Year<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnESFkPRwhXsy0chUseV2Ihl_0-i0i9YkQ3R3XJhrOkyg50WU2y6O8vIKLL-3kkE33OtTc1j4AK9JlIwQSAvyM8grKIE3kyVnwDZa72-tKcMNenLI-VE6_JJVu9OuIJFzv78Qp/s1600/My+Dog+Makes+Me+Happy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" eea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnESFkPRwhXsy0chUseV2Ihl_0-i0i9YkQ3R3XJhrOkyg50WU2y6O8vIKLL-3kkE33OtTc1j4AK9JlIwQSAvyM8grKIE3kyVnwDZa72-tKcMNenLI-VE6_JJVu9OuIJFzv78Qp/s1600/My+Dog+Makes+Me+Happy.jpg" /></a></div>
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I am expecting 2013 to be a peaceful and drama free year:) My mind has not been renting any space to them as of late. I plan to continue this trend into the foreseeable future! It's a nice relaxing trend that allows me to attend to those things in my life that have actual importance.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-64778599627207186002012-12-30T12:25:00.000-05:002012-12-30T12:25:41.177-05:002012 Year in ReviewExcept for one very tragic and devastating incident, we had an other wise great year. Our wonderful canine companion, Leon, died suddenly on 9/20/2012. I am still not over it, and will never really be over it. It will just get a little less painful as time goes on. Leon was a very special and loving soul. He did a lot of work with me in my business. He provided a lot of love, fun, and joy for us all as a family. It is believed to have been a cardiac incident. By the way, 40% of Dobermans are thought to have cardiomiopathy. Still they remain my very favorite breed due to their sense of fun and their athletic ability.<br />
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Sigh, he is very very much missed. There are all sorts of little jobs he would do for me during the day, that remind me how very much he loved working with me. Everyday there is a reminder of that.<br />
<br />
So here is the good parts of 2012:<br />
<ol>
<li>Business up by 18%</li>
<li>I was able to take a few actual days off for a vacation this year. First time since 2005, I think.</li>
<li>Summer was perfect in that it was not sweltering hot. It was a very comfortable and enjoyable summer.</li>
<li>We had many many good times with our dogs on the beach this year.</li>
<li>My husband and I were able to have a lot of good times this year. </li>
<li>We have been able to afford things like heat and health insurance this year:)</li>
<li>We have been able to get our savings going again.</li>
</ol>
It would have been a really stellar year if Leon could still have been with us. Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-21547955996315730772012-12-25T14:15:00.001-05:002012-12-25T14:15:56.894-05:00Merry Christmas!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOM6PKFMJi93ISn2Oef6nYXc5hBLkCA6n2SZzVY8aVX89wU0Yobkl_QsYYJhzy3qjVIOaQOMlhqmH705n1pcDsJxck2yj8Oo5RyiFv6hVgV6lFjftYkBjFHLUYqz6EY2cSqyQa/s1600/Day+4+Christmas+020.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOM6PKFMJi93ISn2Oef6nYXc5hBLkCA6n2SZzVY8aVX89wU0Yobkl_QsYYJhzy3qjVIOaQOMlhqmH705n1pcDsJxck2yj8Oo5RyiFv6hVgV6lFjftYkBjFHLUYqz6EY2cSqyQa/s640/Day+4+Christmas+020.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Boris wishes you a Merry Holiday Season!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-61826955170536441752012-09-15T08:03:00.001-04:002012-09-15T08:03:21.075-04:00Lacking Anything Beneath The Surface<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There are people in this world that seem to have very little depth to them. Or this is not something that they give in their relationships to other people. They like to have fun, and they like the "appearance" of a relationship.<br />
<br />
I appreciate depth in a relationship and an individual. This does not mean you need to spill your guts to me all day each time we see each other, but this means I see a glimmer of something beneath the surface every now and again that is attractive (or not). You know that we have more to talk about than jobs, cars, clothes, people we both know, parties, vacations ET. When they tell me they hurt, I can empathize. When I tell them I hurt, they can empathize. When they tell me of their good fortune, I am happy for them. When I tell them of my good fortune, they are happy for me. When a disturbing incident happens to them, I support them. When a disturbing incident happens to me, they support me. When something interests them, I engage them in conversations to draw this out. When something interests me, they engage me in conversations to bring this out.<br />
<br />
This is on my mind, because I finally had the one on one telephone conversations with the last hanger oner of my FOO. The conversation actually went fine, but it just brought home the lack of depth in this person. It also brought home in how I am always taken by surprise at this from some members of my FOO, although I have been aware of it (and seen heard and experienced the truth of it) for so many years.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to why I never acknowledged it for the length of time I didn't... It is hard to hold someone accountable to something they lack by their very nature of being. It seems akin to being mad at someone because they were born without a limb. They just don't have that...thing. And when they are related to you, you feel it's your moral obligation to ignore the hurt this might cause you. At first it even may feel like no hurt is being done to you, but the adjustments for the sake of pleasing this "one way" person or presenting things in a light so as not to rock the "appearances" of a situation grate on your soul and your ability to be yourself one bit at a time. Until you look back one day, and find less of your authentic self there, being smothered in order to please someone, who could quite frankly care less about you.<br />
<br />
Why do they come if that is the case? Because people who have depth give them the very supply that they need. People who were brought up by parents also exhibiting these personality disorders, probably do this more so without asking anything in return or even expecting it. The supply may be something that was asked to be a material thing or service, but really what the victim is always giving is that piece of themselves away that makes them them. Until one day the victim looks at themselves and doesn't even recognize this person anymore. Then the question comes, how did this come about? Because it was allowed to come about, that is why.<br />
<br />
I do not allow myself to give away little pieces of me any more (at least consciously). Although I am giving the relationship one more chance, I am really really questioning why. I certainly don't want to keep a relationship open for the sake of the appearances that others hold so dear. Ugh, I don't know why I left that door open. Guess we will see what that brings in the future. I just hope that I did not wimp out again, by avoiding doing what is really best for me, and not to waste my time on things that are lacking substance or meaning.<br />
<br />
I had one last important thought to share about this situation, but it has escaped me. Perhaps it will come back to me later in the day.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-16108444253390679962012-08-30T12:55:00.000-04:002012-08-30T14:20:35.095-04:00Guilt and how to deal with it:)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXOM-hTXZOSZizKBe_Hka0SB599e_G4qJL66e2AyjYxGeWwzBvxxT8rOjw0LH8Y3_BU7dIELRRsL9rhsUw0xs0SZbakNk43qnh_G_irNdqQsYs7YOtquR9jmZYqxPPzFObOnIS/s1600/Got+Guilt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" fea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXOM-hTXZOSZizKBe_Hka0SB599e_G4qJL66e2AyjYxGeWwzBvxxT8rOjw0LH8Y3_BU7dIELRRsL9rhsUw0xs0SZbakNk43qnh_G_irNdqQsYs7YOtquR9jmZYqxPPzFObOnIS/s1600/Got+Guilt.jpg" /></a></div>
Upsi was inspired and wrote about working through <a href="http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/08/working-through-guilt.html">guilt</a>. This in turn has inspired me to write a bit about this as well. If you are in this family rift/estrangement situation, undoubtedly you will feel (well a lot of things) and guilt will be among the party guests:) Many of us have been manipulated at least during our young lives and essentially programed to feel this to even our own reasonable responses, which another person without our history would not even think to feel guilty about.<br />
<br />
On the living <a href="http://www.livingauthentically.org/2011/09/self-development-and-forgiving-ourselves-part-1/">authentically blog</a> (also referenced by Upsi and now discovered by me), there is this advice:<br />
<br />
"There is a process (which comes from gestalt psychotherapy) for working with feeling guilty: underneath guilty there is a resentment and underneath resentment there is a demand. Once you get to the demand you aren’t bothered with feeling guilty anymore.<br />
To experience this:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Imagine yourself expressing your guilty feeling to someone. It can be someone you imagine or an idealised figure (like a judge) or the person or group you feel you transgressed against. </li>
<li>Express the feeling fully. As you do this you will either finish with the feeling or feel resentment arise. If you don’t feel resentment you are probably finished with feeling guilty. </li>
<li>If you feel resentment arise then express this resentment. Allow yourself to be very specific. Be as specific as you can. </li>
<li>As you express you resentment you will find that you are making a series of demands. These demands are important. They contain, at their heart, what you need to thrive. </li>
<li>As you find a way to get what you are demanding you will find that you are free of feeling guilty. "</li>
</ol>
From the age of 29 to the age of, er, 46; I have in such a roundabout way, I am sure, gone through this. So as far as "my parents" are concerned the guilt phase lasted for a long time but finally I went past that. So since I am in a good place, I would not write out these steps for that experience as I have already embraced my decisions, actions, and intentions with confidence. I have also given myself the permission not to have to relive this as my "penance".<br />
<br />
However, there is a situation regarding an individual of my FOO to where I can apply this. I had actually promised we would have a phone conversation about this,once I was done enjoying some time off. You can find part of the situation that I am speaking to in<a href="http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2012/08/trying-not-to-be-passive-aggressive-here.html"> this attached post</a>.<br />
<br />
For a little more background, a few weeks ago I was puzzling over the best way to be upfront and direct about this. A telephone call would have been the right and correct thing to do. However, I was really stressed out after being so busy with my business (which is good but still makes one edgy and sleep deprived) that I just did not want to get any more emotionally upset or vested in this. Therefore, here is the totally dysfunctional e-mail response (not so much the response but that I could not deal with it except at an arms length distance at the time).<br />
<br />
This is actually an e-mail discussion that happened after my relative sent some third party messages through my husband to me:<br />
<br />
<u>Relative on FB to ME</u>: <strong><em>Have Robert call me ASAP.</em></strong><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">This is the point where the discussion with Robert to send third party messages also to me took place, and now the rest of the FB discussion is after receiving the messages from my husband.</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"></span><br />
<br />
<u>Me on FB:</u> <strong><em>Hey [Relative], I don't have your phone number, so I just wanted to address what you talked to [My Husband] about. I have no interest in talking about those parties either.</em></strong><br />
<br />
<em><strong>I know [My Husband] asks about them sometimes, but I really could care less. Also, when you bring me a third party message from your father at a meet and greet with [Relative's girlfriend], I now have to talk about it with you. I mean I could be rude, but I feel obligated if someone brings it up to me.</strong></em><br />
<br />
<strong><em>Also, you once brought it up as a starting conversation with [Relative's girlfriend] at diner, as her kids also don't have a relationship with their dad.</em></strong><br />
<br />
<strong><em>People I do not interact with are not my family, nor do I want to talk to them. I don't know if you noticed, but I never bring it up (sometimes [My Husband] does). So just don't mention them either, [My Husband] won't mention them, and I have no interest in mentioning them. </em></strong><br />
<br />
<strong><em>So if you bring up the subject in the future, I will close it down with you immediately. Again, I would have called you, and I am not mad. I am actually glad you brought it up, as it is not something pleasant for me NOR something I want to think about when I am just trying to hang out. And as far what family that I interact with are doing at family outings, I have not interest in that either.</em></strong><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">That I am not mad part was not an actual lie at the time. I have been conditioned to feel as if I should not BE mad. I had intended not to be mad, but the bottom line is that I was angry that after so many discussions of not passing on messages that he did it. I really should not have said what my husband will or will not do, he is free to bring up, answer, or talk about anything he wants to in HIS OWN HOUSE.</span><br />
<br />
<u>Relative on FB</u>: <strong><em> I agree [Relative] Let's not discuss [Sperm Donor], [Step Monster], any third-party messages from my Parents, or Family Gatherings. My number is (NOE) MPA-THY! </em></strong><br />
<strong><em>...and, let the record state that [His Girlfriend] and I wanted to visit tomorrow! ;)</em></strong><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">The "for the record" part slays me. Yes, let's state that for appearances sake, we have a very tight and warm relationship. I would like this documented "for the record". And "for the record' he was told why I would not want him to come in the first place, so this is a favor to me in what way?</span><br />
<br />
<u>Me on FB: </u><strong><em>Yes, I know. It has been way busy here, and I am not up for any company right now. I will probably be asleep for most of tomorrow OR spending some much needed alone time with [My Husband].</em></strong><br />
<strong><br /><em></em></strong><strong><em>BTW if you want to try and plan something the week of August 13th is looking good. I was planning to take some major time off then.</em></strong><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">And then after a few days of worrying that he would actually take me up on this, AND do that by having a last minute "duty call"....I took care of this inadvertent and conditioned brain fart on my part. I would like to say that I wish I did not have to deal with this and have the brain fart in the first place. However, this helps me clear up some things that have been bothering me. This is when I was spending time agonizing as to whether to do the right thing and call OR the "wrong" thing with MY well being in mind for once.</span><br />
<br />
<u>Me on FB</u>: <strong><em>Actually to tell you the truth, the above invite was given in a moment of guilt for being too tired and busy to see you last minute. I am really looking forward to my time next week, and you tend to be a bit of work to have over. Between now having to worry about putting up family photos where you might not (or Irene might not think you are perfect), having to worry about saying it was nice to have [you] here on Facebook so the wrong person doesn't see, needing to be available to receive you at a moments notice no matter what is going on in my life, and really you and [My Husband] more have the relationship than you and me. And many times you make it seem like some kind of favor that you are visiting me (and sometimes we all know you have had another agenda for coming over here), and often pass judgements or bring up my relationships with other people. Now my purpose here is not necessarily to sever my relationship with you, but I think it's important to have a mutally beneficial give and take relationship. Right now, you and I do not have that. And the one time it was fun and pleasant to have you over (the beach), you needed to make a drama about that over your picture. And whatever, if you don't want pics taken of you just say so. If you don't want your girlfriend to know you are here, either don't come or let her know you were here. </em></strong><br />
<br />
<strong><em>I have had enough dysfunctional relationships in my life. and this is a sort of dysfunctional way to talk to you, but I want to go on with my week just enjoying myself, and not worryign that I am going to get a last minute call that you are coming over. I have my brother in law, niece,and nephew here to enjoy, and I just want to stop worrying about this. </em></strong><br />
<br />
<strong><em>And as dysfunctional as it is. I don't want to talk about this this week or next week. Nor do I want messages passed to me through my husband. Thanks.</em></strong><br />
<br />
<u>Relative on FB</u>: <strong><em> I'm glad your feelings to me. I completely understand and now that we've communicated about this, I hope we can work on re-establishing a better relationship. Love you</em></strong><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">Quite frankly, I don't think this relative "completely understand"s how I feel. This relative does not completely understand how anyone feels unless something very similar has happened to him. What I am trying to say is the genetic lack of empathy appears to be alive and well in this relative. We have talked about things that would provide for this "better relationship" not in that context but as plain courtesy. And as yet courtesy has not been forwarded to me very often.</span><br />
<br />
<u>Me on FB:</u> <strong><em>Thanks, we will talk at a later date.</em></strong><br />
<br />
<br />
So it will be helpful to do the exercise at the very beginning of the post before our phone conversation (should this person be interested in having a phone conversation).<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>I feel guilty, because I did not want visits from you "on the fly". I feel guilty also for allowing you to use my husband as a third party vehicle (and therefore I was also using you as a third party vehicle as I did not want to talk to you in person about this), and not directly confronting you about this more honestly and sooner. I also feel guilty about the way that I choose to respond to you before taking my time off. However, after consideration, I really needed to take care of myself first.</li>
<li>(I've thought about this a lot, so I don't feel resentment at the feeling but I certainly did at the time, so I am going forward with the next step) </li>
<li>I feel resentful as I have personally told you before that it is not always a good time to visit. I know that you think if you are visiting "my parents" in the area, that you think I will be hurt because you do not come. I am hurt that my relatives do not make plans with me (that are enjoyable and agreeable) before hand, and instead come unexpectedly for their "duty visit". It is this that I resent. If you did not visit during a visit to "my parents" I would not be hurt. I have always told you that I would like to plan something fun for all of us, and so that the house is clean ET and since I work from home so that I don't have schedule conflicts. The fact that you ignore this is what I resent. I also resent that you indicated to my husband what topics could not be of conversation. Not so much because of the topic at hand, but because you weren't even invited over and you brought up something that is particularly painful to me out of the blue. Thereby interrupting my day (when you weren't going to be here and I was having a good day) with something disturbing to me, and <a href="http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-some-of-rest-of-my-family-works.html">you communicated that through a third party</a> (link is to an instance where he delived a message to me from his father), my husband. We have also personally had conversations about that. </li>
<li>Yes I see those demands in my head right now, and they are as follows...</li>
<li>One if this person feels the need to edit topics at hand (that they bring up by the way by making comments that indicate that I should feel guilt over the estrangement to "my parents"), and have a problem with every visit---perhaps they should not be visiting. I am not that close to this person. They are okay, and I have felt beholden since they "grace" me with their last minute company to cleave onto this final FOO relationship, but if it continues in this one sided and thoughtless way it is not something that I need in my life. So I guess my demand is planned outings whether they coincide with their trip to their girlfriend or "my parents" or not. I am not a duty dropping by place, and it is not enjoyable for me to be used as such. Demand two is that I do not need (nor do you need to bitch to my husband about anything) third party messages from you. Demand two continues to an old discussion where I don't need any third party messages brought to me from other relatives that can not pick up the phone and call me directly themselves. Demand three, you never ever need to bring up "my parents" to me by saying things like "don't you miss them" or "they don't appear to be doing well". I am fully capable of communicating my feelings to "my parents" myself, and they are still possessed of the ability to communicate to me at any time they wish to. We do not need a third party intervention from people who have not lived and do not empathize. I am through having to justify myself to someone, and if I need to continue hearing that from you (and then editing what I say in response, though I just don't want to hear it in the first place quite frankly) then we do not need to be visiting each other.</li>
</ol>
When your upbringing may hindered ones ability to communicate on the fly, sometimes it takes a plan to communicate. Sitting down and thinking these things out can help you more effectively communicate, and sometimes save a relationship (if it's worth saving in the first place).<br />
<br />
Anyway, the ball is in my other relatives court, as I called to talk to him. Had to leave a message on the answering machine, but there the first step has been made. I stuck to what I said I would do, partly out of duty and partly out of interest to see if I can salvage a relationship out of my FOO. If he is interested in salvaging a relationship with me he will call, if not...I am ready to let it go.<br />
<br />Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-38562711996501239182012-08-13T13:35:00.000-04:002012-08-13T13:35:04.927-04:00Officially on my semi vacation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggtEjvgZZK24znD4RwZdutIfJnjaPTJkyZmlY4dnTnPYYJKra0JzRHbF2zYc5CQJ9r1IBy32G8tnFE_JGJISzHojhvu1Z3AFrn6MP56W7loCQomYanrluXqwM7PmRHI3cA4YV3/s1600/vacation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" mda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggtEjvgZZK24znD4RwZdutIfJnjaPTJkyZmlY4dnTnPYYJKra0JzRHbF2zYc5CQJ9r1IBy32G8tnFE_JGJISzHojhvu1Z3AFrn6MP56W7loCQomYanrluXqwM7PmRHI3cA4YV3/s1600/vacation.jpg" /></a></div>
It's a semi vacation because I have two days that are off (not in a row). Other days where I have work scheduled but not that crunchy and not taking on any last minute new clients this week. It will be different if a current client has an emergency, as I am here. Other than that though, doing fun stuff this week. And not one of my FOO is in my head or thoughts. Other than I had to think about them to write the previous sentence.<br />
<br />
Going to see the local sights, get a soft serve cone, and relax on the beach. Also boogey board in the waves. I'm going to spend some quality time with my husband, my dogs, and any family or friend that I truly wish to see and spend my coveted time off with. If I don't want to spend this time off with a reader who knows me, they know who they are <g>. They also know why.</g><br />
<br />
I work hard. I deserve my time off to be peaceful, fun, and pleasant. That is what I work towards, and look forward to. And because I love what I do, I don't take that much time off at all. In fact the last time was 2009, and my dog, Jackie CD, died at the very beginning of that "vacation" due to complications with his digestive system. (problems he had all his life, unfortunately, but we never thought would become fatal). And before that the vacation was in 2005! So why would I choose to spend that time with people who I don't particularly care for, and who don't particularly care for me (just their image). I guess I was promoting my image too, by not being honest up front awhile ago.<br />
<br />
All my vacations have not tended to happen in the summer either, as it is a very (and has been to date) time. I am at my budget through August however, and the opportunity presented itself to me. So by Dog, I will take advantage and enjoy a little summer reprieve from work and from pains in the asses.<br />
Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-17482777179683759232012-08-09T09:09:00.001-04:002012-08-09T09:09:27.607-04:00It doesn't?Ah, appropriate for some people that have been in my life previously.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkd-vthDLYO-g0AlRUu060LqphVvC7GmfpEjxcV0ulRbGYONj2NXXMxCkl_zxQfn0fnHD9aD7RNxk_ON76J-ckmE0Dt65BWNlK4wxQxImHPTORBshSXYvx4yHa8ca6qe1wZ2WH/s1600/Get+over+it.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" kda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkd-vthDLYO-g0AlRUu060LqphVvC7GmfpEjxcV0ulRbGYONj2NXXMxCkl_zxQfn0fnHD9aD7RNxk_ON76J-ckmE0Dt65BWNlK4wxQxImHPTORBshSXYvx4yHa8ca6qe1wZ2WH/s400/Get+over+it.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-91409559995582810802012-08-07T08:46:00.003-04:002012-08-07T09:33:17.570-04:00Trying not to be passive aggressive here<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuOiCtDCUHRmWFUQ12iBEZe2u6NLYVP2ByvWpaFdpNTuwXVLjWQg1lwKWU3oXUqBx-uvJ3UZ90YHAgyd6tBICXKWF6BjfBtb2G0jB9TmT-kPq1N6_vLxFSA_MWarhvgfaJwOmY/s1600/Unwelcome+Mat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" kda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuOiCtDCUHRmWFUQ12iBEZe2u6NLYVP2ByvWpaFdpNTuwXVLjWQg1lwKWU3oXUqBx-uvJ3UZ90YHAgyd6tBICXKWF6BjfBtb2G0jB9TmT-kPq1N6_vLxFSA_MWarhvgfaJwOmY/s320/Unwelcome+Mat.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The title of my post states that this blog has not been about all family members. That is true, if you aren't talking about my side of the family LOL. I have had some major growth points, where I no longer accepted being treated like the black sheep of the family by any and all family members. It was no longer okay for these "family members" to drop in unannounced for their "duty visit" because they happened to be in the area once or twice a year. Then it was expected that I drop everything because they deigned to show up on my doorstep one day. (Often with one agenda or another in mind) That or the annual Christmas card, which I just stopped returning. I mean who are we kidding. <br />
<br />
For the family that matters to me, we get together whenever we can. Which may not be frequent, but is meaningful. They are not perfect either, but they have real feelings, thoughts, and caring to share. My side of the family (excluding my grandparents), it's all just superficial. I am over it, I have been over it, and I have said it again and again. Now I am just trying to figure out how to communicate this to the last hanger oner of the "duty call" and very huge favor to me with the bestowal of their last minute unplanned for company, which comes with an agenda and things to worry about. You know. like:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Not to mention their visit so their girlfriend, fiance, or whatever does not find out about it for God knows what reason. Yes, I have not had enough dysfunctional relationships in my life, now I need to worry about yours. I get to be intimately involved in it. Here is a solution, don't come here. Or tell your girlfriend you are coming here. And leave me the FUCK out of it.</li>
<li>Did I mention the last minute drop overs. The last one occurred while I was travelling back from an eight hour day from a dog show. They wanted to be sure they were STILL their to greet me. I wanted a nap and a stiff drink. Luckily I took to long (perhaps it was that ice cream detour with my dog that just happened after I knew they were at my house) for them to be there. Too bad, so sad. I did however get to worry about how I was going to rouse myself to entertain their asses. Or plaster on a smile as if I was utterly thrilled to see them.</li>
<li>As 2 would indicate, there is never a thought that we have lives, and sometimes it is not convenient for us to have visitors unannounced or announcing they are coming by the day before.</li>
<li>The one visit we had a good time (again last minute so I had a hard time clearing my schedule), we went to the beach. I had to keep travelling back and forth to take care of the dogs. Anyway, later I put up some pictures of all at the beach. This person put up such a stink because they didn't think they looked good in the picture, and I took it down. But the friggin drama and agenda this person has all the time.</li>
<li>The time I saw this person the most was during their divorce. And we got to be regaled with every online woman they were going to hook up with. And you know, that was okay because I knew they were having a hard time. A little tiring for me to feign interest. We also got to hear every nasty thing he had to say about his ex. And while there are some fronts I would agree on, this person is not a stupid person, and she was described as such and/or someone who needed to provide certain services. As a woman, I thought the things that were said did not show just a lack of respect for his ex (and mother of his children), but a huge lack of respect for woman in general.</li>
<li>Unless something has happened directly to this person, they can not empathize with the going ons in others lives. And even if it did happen to them and they say can imagine, it is only in context to their narrow experience.</li>
<li>And lastly, one of those people who is pretty sure that the world revolves around them. I do have other friends like that, but there is a portion of their personality that is interested in other people and things.</li>
<li>Also this person has no problem sending me messages through my husband, instead of talking to me directly. Or sending me messages from other relatives about my estrangement from Spermy (not my lack of interest in them, or their "interest" in me, which is non existent).</li>
</ol>
So perhaps right this moment is not the time to have a direct conversation, cause I am kinda really annoyed. I am annoyed really at myself, because in my husband being clear not to drop by last minute the last time, I said if you want to plan a visit, you could come on this covetted week. And I don't want them to come at all. That was really a "duty" response on my part. I am really not sure that I want to continue a relationship at all.<br />
<br />
The reasons of this person for continuing a relationship with "me" is not about just duty. For awhile, my husband was doing him personal favors. Then I think he needs other couples to hang around with his girlfriend, and to show that he "cares" about family no matter how superficial that might be. So I feel always on stage, always being judged, and if I am being granted some sort of favor. If this person was not related to me, and someone I did not see once or twice a year for the first 18 years of my life, I would have zero to do with them. I have been somewhat touched that they have sought to keep in contact with me, but as I have stressed that was not really their motivation.<br />
<br />
And now they are taking up my time by me having to think up ways to tell them politely to FUCK OFF. I am so over relationships like this that are draining rather than a give and take.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-60695466078204059332012-07-09T12:08:00.001-04:002012-07-09T12:13:21.551-04:00DreamsA couple of my clients work in Corporate America currently. A world I escaped from 9 years ago. I still enjoy talking to people about business. There were parts of it that I enjoyed, but not the dishonesty, the pressure they tried to put on you to cover up illegal activity, and the way mergers/acquisitions were handled. I also did not like the climate of business where mergers and acquisitions could be expected no matter where you worked, and farming out jobs to other countries became the norm. I understand the business sense, but the way employees who were going to be laid off (often minimum wage people with no benefits never mind severance packages) were lied to and deceived. Those sorts of things chipped at my optimism and innocence daily in the last few years that I remained in Corporate America. I never plan on going back, as I enjoy my work helping canines and their families craft working relationships/partnerships. I think my time and energy are better spent there. It has it's challenges. For instance I am injured right now, so I can not do as much as I would like to physically, and have to save my energy for my private lessons. There are really no sick days for me, unless I am desperately ill. Vacation time can be challenging as well, even though it's my own business. However, I love it. I have very few days that I don't want to get up and seize the day!<br />
<br />
It is interesting that just talking about my clients' experiences in their corporate world triggers bad dreams for me of the Corporate world. In those dreams, my Donors have appeared. In the one two days ago, Spermy called me at work, because he thought I was using my private checkbook to pay the corporations bills. This was not happening but he had gone through some of my stuff at his home and came to this conclusion. I just remember in the middle of a corporate environment screaming at him to leave me alone and that he was ridiculous.<br />
<br />
Then this morphed into seeing both my donors enter my bosses office to talk about this. I am thinking that just by being so annoying and ridiculous that they are going to get me fired. I was thinking, who would want to have to deal with them that did not have to. I eventually corned Spermy and just remember screaming and swearing at him to get away from me and out of my life. Most of my dreams about Spermy are about being so angry that he is trying to insert himself in my life (unwanted) and in an unhelpful way yet again. <br />
<br />
This weekend we had a visit from a dear friend. He also has issues with his family and his upbringing, although he has maintained contact. This discussion brought on yet another dream.<br />
<br />
We are all (cousins, aunts, uncles, donors) living at my grandparents house, which is teeny tiny. Someone eats something gone bad in the refrigerator (which would never happen in my grandmothers house---she was a meticulous home maker). It is toxic and everyone starts turning into monsters that go to eat everyone else. <br />
<br />
About that dream, I often wonder how my grandparents children (and my grandparents were not perfect by any means, but I knew them to be truly good people) could have turned out as cold and selfish as they seem to have. Eggy's side was obviously dysfunctional. But Spermy's side was dysfunction in a similar way to the sitcom "Everyone Loves Raymond". Not mirror image, but their dysfunction was funny many times. Also if you brought it up to them, they were people who could talk about that with you, and you could come to an agreement. It was never this way between me and my donors. A rational loving conversation, no way.<br />
<br />
It seems now that I need one of these triggers before they sneak back into my head in late night nightmares. It's interesting how these two damaging and pressure filled periods of my life have seemingly joined up together in my dreams. Like my subconscious is saying "remember to always stay away".Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-49826628528493515012012-06-10T09:05:00.000-04:002012-06-10T21:16:32.861-04:00Lessons From Been There Done That<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This probably won't help anyone. I wish that when I was younger, I had met someone older that had been through this, and that they could have shared their thoughts with me early on. I am providing this list not to beat myself up, as I know I did not have the skills or the knowledge to do anything differently at the time. However, there may be a young adult struggling out there, and not feeling they are able to grasp their freedom or do anything differently with their parents. Also, they may not understand motives that are underlying their parents actions.<br />
<br />
I know some parents genuinely love their children, and have no underlying motives for some of these action items. This list is not for those young adults <g>. Those young adults should cherish the time they have with such loving parents. <br />
<br />
Often it is hard for the children (and grown adults) of emotionally, mentally or physically abusive parents to recognize true friendship and love in their spouses parents. I know I was very suspicious of my husband's parents' motives for many years. It was a long time before I could just relax with them and be somewhat myself. I was always bracing for the zinger or the other shoe to drop. In my relationships with people around me, I am still very much like that. Being conditioned at a very young age is a hard thing to grow out of.<br />
<br />
So here is my list of what I wish older me could have shared with 19 year old me (although on the other hand, if the course of my life was changed in this way, I might not have met my husband):<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>You have the ability to move out and be on your own. Do not give into the threats to cut you off if you don't attend a college right now (or whatever that thing is that you know is not right for you at this particular moment in life----in my mother in law's case it was an arranged marriage!)...cause you know what? You aren't ready and don't know what you want to do yet. You have the right idea, and you will be paying for your own college anyway later, and then they have one less thing to hold over your head (that they funded your college or whatever it is, and trust me you want to have as few strings attached to you as possible).</li>
<li>If you have been angry, depressed, suffering from headaches, lack of sleep or anything like that; there may be some relationship issues that you have not faced or even really thought about. If you have found this blog however, very possibly you are considering the very things that have been niggling at your sub conscious. </li>
<li>Do not accept gifts, they have a motive behind them. That means birthday, Christmas, whatever. Also, do not give gifts, as (at least my Egg Donor) only criticizes them and thinks how they could be better and more what they would have wanted. Save your money, and spend it on people who really appreciate you.</li>
<li>Save, save, save. My parents are pretty material people. If they collect, they must have a complete collection. Those THINGS are very important to them, and early on I was comforted by THINGS too. But THINGS are a cold comfort to living your life to it's fullest, relationships, and other living beings and their well being. I don't mean save so I can have the biggest, best and brightest of anything. I mean save so later on we can have health insurance, retirement savings in case we are in no shape to work, and also a veterinarian savings account for our dogs. These are things that are priceless and truly important in my life. Furniture that seems new and fresh that early on is probably going to be junk later on and a poor investment in your life!</li>
<li>The only person that you should need to impress is yourself, and not with things.</li>
<li>Say what you mean and feel to your parents. You may think you have something to loose, but trust me there is nothing to loose. If anything there is a slim chance you might actually gain a real relationship with your parents. And if you can't, there was probably nothing there to begin with.</li>
<li>If either 1) a "no" on your part to a parental request or 2) a discussion of your boundaries, turns your parental unit into a whining screaming and abusive two year old child stamping their feet...take note and really look at your relationship.</li>
<li>If your parents can not behave or think of only themselves at certain events in your life, you do not need to invite them to those events. (I was raised to be polite to elders always, and always respectful. So often I had a hard time standing up for myself especially with my parents). I know to a young person this may seem like a tragedy to not include their parents. However, if all they are going to be is intrusive and trying to get to each other or make a point to be nasty, consider how that could possibly be a good thing. You can always have a discussion with them about this to make ground rules, as long as they can do this rationally and respectfully with YOU.</li>
<li>You can and should make rules about visiting each other. You are also allowed to pick the length of stay, or where you want to stay. In relationships like this even when you are trying, some breathing room is allowed. Also, if you happen to have a parent that is going to complain about the accommodations that you provide for them, it is preferable that they, therefore, pick their own accommodations.</li>
<li>DO NOT expect that just because you drop everything for your parent, that they will ever give you that same respect and support, otherwise you are setting your self up for major disappointment.</li>
<li>NO ONE can tell you how you feel or don't feel, and DO NOT let them get away with doing that.</li>
<li>Keep them out of your business and finances in all ways, and at all times. My Sperm Donor would try to take advantage of me whenever I would start a business. He would expect free or at cost services. But that is neither here nor there, I did not want to deal with him on a personal level, never mind have him in my business. Or the Step Monster for that matter (who he also felt was privy to whatever I was doing). Just tell them now that you will not do business with family, and be sure you do that the other way around as well.</li>
<li>If you are going forward with your relationships with abusive people, REALLY consider if there is a benefit to you in doing so. See the thing is, it does not feel like you are hurting yourself at first, but there is a definate price to pay to continue to take on the abuse. If you can not be yourself and your boundaries are constantly violated by uncaring parents, it will not be obvious at first, but internally you are paying a price that is going to take a little bit of you as long as it goes on. Just consider this now, as I know how hard it is to actually take the above advice.</li>
<li>What is harder than taking the above advice, is realizing the limitations on your parents love for you (if there is any there at all). It's a really painful step that comes to all of us when we realize 1) that our parents do not love us, 2) that are parents aren't interested in knowing us and 3) that no matter what we do or don't do this fact will never change. It is a staggering realization. It is very hard to face that fact. I mean how awful do you need to be to realize that your parents don't love you? Answer, it's very possibly not you but them that is flawed. You need to spend time with people that do appreciate and love you, and want to get to know you NOT people who don't no matter that they contributed to your DNA.</li>
</ol>
As a young adult, YOU are finally able to shape your life legally. YOU may not have been conditioned to do so, but I assure you that finally you have the ability to participate in and manage the relationships and life you will have. If you have had such a parent such as I have, stamping out those rules and moving forward with your life now is very much in your favor. If they don't respect the real you as a person, they did not respect the overly polite and accommodating you either (as you were most likely brought up to be). Loving parents, are supportive of their children growing up, and proud of them as they move forward the best they can. Parents like mine expect to have a mini them, and someone that will parrot back what they think of as success in the fashion they think you should. Any script that identifies you as a separate individual will not be tolerated.<br />
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That is okay by the way. You can be you. Go forth and conquer! Make your mistakes, and glory in your success.Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-88220060581260560792012-05-31T20:29:00.001-04:002012-05-31T20:31:50.393-04:00Recovery<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif4F-2W1NMFuzn4raBh_vGtJF8wmIStQqCdCy38AlAhG2I4GYgagsOX1dR4-cPiyDqsesuk3dPZbjucrmg5araG3jqwv00YMnjyRhN0RJlM-kWZbPAQRS1aPqr8kpdvqteZ14P/s1600/Road_Recovery_main_web%5B1%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" rba="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif4F-2W1NMFuzn4raBh_vGtJF8wmIStQqCdCy38AlAhG2I4GYgagsOX1dR4-cPiyDqsesuk3dPZbjucrmg5araG3jqwv00YMnjyRhN0RJlM-kWZbPAQRS1aPqr8kpdvqteZ14P/s320/Road_Recovery_main_web%5B1%5D.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I feel that now, finally, I have been in a period of recovery. I think at least since 9/2011. It took a long friggin time to get here. Ages and ages really. Some people's life times unfortunately.<br />
<br />
Very little of my head is rent free now from my FOO. If only I could have managed this like 20 or 30 years ago! On the other hand, my very unique journey has brought me true love, and a great career. I also live someplace that I never thought I would. Life is good. <br />
<br />
I really thank everyone that has sent me kind comments. As you know, this is not an easy journey, and not one any one of us would wish on ourselves or our worst enemies. I appreciate everyone's insights and stories, and the blogs/others that I have found over the last few years have been immeasurably helpful to me. I wish I had found them 25 years ago!<br />
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There are a lot of things that I wish I had understood 25 years ago, but that will be a topic for another blog post. <br />
<br />
XXOOWinterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29002686.post-83066468339139080522012-04-15T19:02:00.003-04:002012-04-15T19:02:47.470-04:00Just Busy With My Work/Business LatelyJust very busy lately. Not time for FOO drama:) Been nice and quiet on that front actually.<br />
<br />
Trialling my dog Leon, and starting training for trialling my dog, Boris:) Also private lessons have started for dog training, and very busy with boarding and daycare.<br />
<br />Winterskiprincesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17540416561657173099noreply@blogger.com5