My Family Sucks!!! Life After Estrangement.

Communication for the remedial student

2012-02-13T11:54:00.001-05:00

In my life, I have ping ponged from being overly polite to overly direct and blunt.   These have been responses to extremes in my life. Lack of balance previously and then while learning how to stick up for myself in an effective way influenced my communication styles. I have to say with my donors and my step monster only nasty convinced them to keep the emotional and verbal abuse to themselves and among themselves.   I do not regret that, it was a necessity in order to disengage from them.

The direct and blunt me is more me, but had been more harsh than I wish to be later on in my life.   Pent up anger came out in a whoosh.   I guess it had to. Is there another way for something held, suppressed, and held in a head lock to the floor to come out?   It was an angry beast waiting to eat the villagers that tormented it for so long.   The villagers were more than deserving of that anger, but internally in me that is not the way I want to feel in any long term way.

Now that I have managed who I have contact with, and how those relationships develop or don't...   I am a much happier centered and balanced person.   I'm not saying that the instinct to take down a toxic person with a lawn mower does not rear it's head, but the knowledge that I control how and whether I react at all (that I do now have this power, and am not powerless to the onslaught of emotional and verbal abuse NOR do I need to abuse my power in my ability to hurt back) helps me not be sucked into a void where my power and energy is being sucked into someone else's endless void of need(especially when they are literally a virtual stranger).

I have to say that I still have time being blunt about my boundaries.   I have an acquaintance for instance that tends to come over at the last minute for favors.   No thought that they are not expected, they might be interrupting my day or my plans.   Also to make matters worse, not in the interests of (always) paying an actual visit.   Instead of being honest with the person, which I could have been, I simply was sure to send them away when they called without explanation.   My husband was finally upfront with them, and we all had a nice talk about it.

Relationships are hard, and I was avoiding the communication portion of this relationship. BTW, before anyone claims it is so, I DID communicate with my donors and step.   That is the reason that our relationship cut off, because they could not respect boundaries like this.   This acquaintance, however, does respect these boundaries, and I did them a disservice by not talking to them directly about it.   Probably because of my prior history with how these conversations go with people who are less than empathetic towards others.

I just need to remember to extend my courtesy to those that may care about me, while also remembering that I do not need to engage with those who truly don't.

Exercise makes you feel good eventually right?

2012-02-11T18:39:00.002-05:00

Luckily, I do know the answer to my own question:) It does. I've done two days of an ambitious work out routine to start. Perhaps a bit too much. Very sore muscles now, and wondering when my personal masseuse will arrive.

The wolf in sheeps clothing

2012-02-02T10:27:00.001-05:00

Look at Anony Mouse comment on this post. I don't know why such judgemental and ugly people never seem to see the help that they need to get for themselves, do you?

http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2011/08/open-your-eyes-and-see.html

I think it's interesting as this Anony Mouse claims to have a similar history, yet they can not see their own disfunction in what they are doing that is as plain as day. But can they see others? You bet!

And here are some great other posts on other blogs that deal with this!

http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2012/02/narcissists-grandiosity-game.html

http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/02/oh-wise-one.html

Christmas Cards

2011-12-21T10:22:00.000-05:00

How totally bizarre is it that my aunt, who hasn't initiated any conversation or interested in my life...really ever...for over six years at least continues to send me a Christmas card every year? It is just signed with my aunt and uncles name.   Not following a message, or a written Merry Christmas, or Love (which is good because we all know that to be true).

I think the one and only time she ever called me, many years ago before the estrangement, was to let me know we couldn't be invited to my cousin's wedding because she could not afford it LOL.   Bear in mind this was at the same time we were funding our own wedding (though my donors chipped in half each the day of as our wedding present---very small but wonderful celebration), and my cousins, aunt, and uncle had all been invited to ours previously.   I would have preferred no call at all.   Like now, I feel there was a reason for the call.   "Hey, just wanted to remind you that you are not one of us.   You are the black sheep, and we could care less how you are or what you are doing." I mean could that message have just been left to themselves.

I am fine with the no contact, because truth be told I am done with that side of the family.   Each year I create more and more distance...not that they would notice.   I don't need to tell them "hey, I don't like you people.   I've wanted to like you people, and I've tried to like you people. But you know what, you are just horrible selfish people, and I am better off without you." I just stopped included them in card lists, stopped saying "oh come over when you are next here", stopped updating on of my family events, stopped keeping track of birthdays, stopped keeping track of where they live, and on and on.   It does not matter, they don't reach out or want to come visit me anyway. So I figure we can all just stop pretending, and make opposite actions.

Does my aunt feel she is proving that she cares about me by sending me a cheap piece of paper once a year?   I mean, we both know she doesn't (ah but as her God child, she used to specially get me a Christmas present every year, superficial and material things matter most in my family).   She quite frankly seems to despise me and my husband.   In the brief times she has spent with us, she made no attempt to keep her disdain a secret.   It becomes an irritating reminder that my family sucks over the holidays. My aunt is anonymous four in this journal entry that I found about a Christmas gathering with this "family".

If you are experiencing irritation at hearing from some estranged or not so estranged family members, well you are not alone:

http://aconography.blogspot.com/2011/12/demons-of-doubt-and-disappointment.html

http://estrangedfamilies.wordpress.com/2011/12/21/a-week-of-christmasfeeling-like-the-grinch/

http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/grief-the-holiday-season-12-strategies-for-cultivating-peace-of-mind-dec-21-2011-3-20-25-am-25

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-brenoff/the-holiday-madness-cure_b_1151816.html

http://www.manipulative-people.com/beating-holiday-stress/

http://contenthub.in/2011/12/christmas-blues-holiday-depression/

LMAO Seems Appropriate

2011-11-27T17:40:00.001-05:00

Thankful for 2011 Thus Far & Wierd Dreams

2011-11-25T10:38:00.001-05:00

I find myself thankful again (and I almost hate to say it so as not to jinx it) to have no deaths in the immediate family and/or our dogs thus far.   We did loose two dogs of clients this year due to old age and cancer. We also have a family friend's father (and someone we know) who has suffered a stroke and heart attack right around now. We are hoping for the best outcome for him, and his family.

All in all, after about an eight year stint of having close family deaths and deaths of our elderly pets (and one that was too young to leave us), it looks like we have managed a two year reprieve. Just a little over 30 more days to go, and we will be into 2012.

I have been having some really bizarre and recurring dreams.   The circumstances of the dreams are all different, except for the pregnant bunnies and cats.   I never actually see the births, although sometimes I hear the baby animals.   One was a murder mystery dream, one was a dream about old friends whose house (this was never in real life the case) was filled with pregnant bunnies and cars in cages.   And I have had some more that I can't remember, just know that they were different.

I looked it up a little, and gather it might be about creativity and taking risks.   Somewhere that is not far from where my mind is at these days, in order to further grow my business especially in light of some new challenges we are facing:)

Cold Weather Plan

2011-11-14T09:49:00.001-05:00

I need a cold weather fitness plan for this winter (never mind the holidays).   It's so easy to get out and about when it's nice out.   Historically, I have always preferred hibernation in the winter months! It was dogs that originally got me active in the winter.   I like to ski (downhill) but it is not an activity that I can do everyday during the winter.   I do have indoor gym equipment, so this is something I am going to need to utilize again.

It's getting over the bone chilling cold of winter however that is the problem.   We choose to conserve a lot on heat during the winter.   Layering, of course, does help but when you go outside in the cold (which I need to do in order to appropriately train dogs) the cold (even if I don't feel it while I am out) tends to creep into my bones and sap my energy and strength by the time I go indoors.

I'm thinking maybe ensuring that I have a hot shower or bath waiting for me when I come in from long times in the cold weather?   I have most of the gear to keep me warm when I am out, but I still get the bone chill when I come in. Maybe have some new clothes heated up for me when I get in.   I am going to have to figure this out, or I will have put on all the weight I lost NEVER MIND being able to loose more.

Today is beautiful out, but recently it has been cold I went into hibernate mode for sure LOL.   I CAN NOT have that happen for the next five months.

Warm Weather, New Projects, Old Projects...

2011-11-09T11:44:00.001-05:00

Getting a bit of a break here from the bitter cold that blew through in October.   This has my spirits on the rise, of course.   I am going to have to man up for winter, as I have at least one dog to ready for obedience competition (and am going to try and give Leon a shot in March of 2012---Boris has to wait for UKC events). The great thing about winter is it's the least busy time of the year.   The bad thing is it's usually very very cold, and this saps my ability to get up when I need to train My dogs.   I need to do it though...   Also I am determined to get some indoor legs.   Boris and I take a Canine Good Citizen test on the 15th of November, and hopefully I will get that small satisfaction of getting an indoor something.   It's ironic as most people have trouble with the outdoor trials, but of course that is where I train most of the time, so indoor trials give me angst. I bet a lot of it is the mental knowledge that I have not gotten an indoor one yet that holds me back. Your mental state can have a lot to do with your dog's performance, and I know when I really feel confident my dogs feel it and their performance shows that.

On a crafty creative note, I am determined to learn how to crochet or macrame collars for my dogs (eventually fancy with beading).   This way I can have special holiday or dress up collars that I have made with my dogs in mind.   I used to do Christmas homemade cards for family, but it has become a time of year that I don't enjoy (due to deaths of animals and family) so I don't get that amped up to do it anymore.   So this is something new that I can do that does not bring up any sad memories. It is also something that my grandmother used to do (and I have some projects that she started knitting, but never finished, which I would like to someday), but I never paid attention when I had the chance to when I was young.   I was more of a tomboy. So it will be done with the happy memories of my grandmother in mind, and kind of a memorial to her talents.

Life is good.   I am not where I thought I would be when I was young, but I am in a better place than that:)

Miss Your Family On The Holidays? Glimpse My Past 2001 Christmas Eve and Christmas with Mine

2011-11-04T12:43:00.000-04:00

Many years ago, starting in 1992, I used to keep a written journal.   Apparently, I detailed most of the upsetting things in my life.    I guess I have continued that trend in this blog, and it's upsetting because life is so short to allow people to make you this upset.   This is when Christmas had moved from Grandma's to The Monster and Sperm Donor's house (my old childhood ~~horror~~ "home").

I didn't remember these as all that bad, until I read this entry in my journal.   Half of the things I don't remember.   Actually, I am pretty sure I just blocked them out to be able to withstand the next year. When I think back, I remember arrivals, small talk, eating, present opening, very little talk with the donor or monster (as possible), and being sure to help do the dishes at the end or set up at the beginning if I was early.

And here is the delightful experienced I got to enjoy with my "family"on one of three or four occasions that we would bother to get together or correspond yearly:

Last year [Sperm Donor-not his title in journal entry] and [Step Monster] did not have much of the family over.   It was basically me, Robert, Andy [Step NB], Louise [Step SIL], my grandmother, and [Step Monster's Father]. We thought that year had been a little quiet and actually WERE looking forward to seeing the rest of my family.

Maybe I was too much looking forward to enjoying every one's company.   The food was great as usual, but...

[An aside, I am ashamed at how meanly I talk about my family here.   I picture myself though sitting politely through this, and here is why keeping things in is sometimes the biggest mistake you can make.   If you can't let people know they are hurting you, and come to some sort of agreement about your relationship, perhaps they are not worth keeping a relationship with, especially when you have the most superficial of relationships in the first place] Things in bold are my additional additions or my attempt to "spare feelings" for any relatives that may be checking in on my blog, though God knows why.

The relatives [talking about "my side" here] were out of control.   It really brought me way down how nasty, rude, and obnoxious everyone was.   Well not everyone, but more than a few of these people.

Let's start with [Anonymous 1] the bitter [insert career path here].   You can just tell that [Anonymous 1] is a gem just like my [Anonymous 2]. So [Anonymous 3] starts questioning [Anonymous 1] about every aspect of his job & each [whatever it is this person does] . [Anonymous 1] hates when [Anonymous 3] does this, and kind of whispers that to me.   Then [Anonymous 1] very rudely turns the tables on [Anonymous 3], and is a real asshole to [Anonymous 3], which [Anonymous 3] does not seem to pick up on.   Robert thought it was funny, but I thought it was really horrible and embarrassing.

Meanwhile [Anonymous 4] is getting even more boozed up than normal.   Mind you, [Anonymous 4] shouldn't feel on such a familiar basis with Rob or me to do the rude & obnoxious things [Anonymous 4] did over the next two days, which really ruined Christmas for me.

So first as [Anonymous 4] is getting really buzzed, [Anonymous 4] starts talking endlessly about how [Anonymous 4] is the "Italian Jew" [NOTE: SO GLAD THAT ROBERT'S PARENTS HAD NOT BEEN ASKED TO ANY FAMILY OCCASIONS LIKE THIS AS YET, EVEN AFTER 10 YEARS OF US BEING MARRIED] Very nice and classy. Then as the evening progresses, she attacks Robert in his new coat ripping off the hood, then grabs Robert's ass and finally at the end of the evening screams at Robert for having a cookie.   [As I recently read more of this journal entry, I do not know why I did not rip Anonymous 4 a new one...actually I was trained well to be polite to my elders at all costs apparently]

[Anonymous 2] at the beginning of the evening gives Robert a used belt.   Why?   We don't know.   I can only assume he thought it was some kind of grand peace offering [This relates to another journal entry before this of a bizarre incident with Anonymous 2 toward Robert].

Then when Robert asks how [two of my second cousins] like their gifts, these cousins proclaim that they were "crappy".   [In a previous journal entry, I talk about being excited to give gifts to my family and spent sometime selecting.   I think this may have been the year that I stopped that practice]   Well they are [Anonymous 1's] kids aren't they? [Another Second Cousin] didn't bother to say thank you, but [Another Second Cousin] was being shy that night.   I would prefer to think that is the reason why.

Anyway, Christmas Eve I could take.   Against my better judgement, I agreed to go to my grandma's the next morning [who I will warn you in advance was also not showing at her best. Which is weird because I thought by this time, close to her death, she had stopped this type of behavior towards Robert.   What we choose to block out!]   for the annual torture & make the grandchildren feel like shit breakfast [sponsored by Anonymous 2 and Anonymous 4] (and apparently this is not the first Christmas breakfast where I felt like a second class citizen in "my family")

**Nick and Brett this year were by far the best behaved children [This is Step Monster's sister's kids, one of whom pulled a knife on his mother in later years] THIS IS A TRADITION THAT I WILL NOT REPEAT AS I WANT TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS DAY FROM NOW ON.

12/25/2001 (continued on a different day this journal entry) Christmas morning-the horror continues...

So against good judgement of any kind of sane/rational thought process, we go to Grandma's (something I've managed to avoid for the last two years). Robert & I are sitting at the dining room table.   We had asked to help, and been told to stay out of the way.   Breakfast was not near ready and no one was sitting down.   Grandma basically comes over and says not to sit in those chairs ever.

Then Robert goes over to pick up a glass (set with all the other glasses to be used for beverages) and [Anonymous 2] says [that Robert] can't have any because there won't be any for anyone else. [WTF?]

Finally [Anonymous 5] sees the Dr Seuss tape for [Yet Another Second Cousin] & rags on the gift that we bought for [Anonymous 2's child] (Not only did I do my best to select child aged appropriate gifts, but I don't have kids myself and hardly know these. Plus this criticism comes from someone who gave baked goods, or sports puzzles as the one or two Christmas gifts ever, and got thank yous prior to this incident) & then I end up eating on the couch alone & across the room [from the rest of "my family"] to eat breakfast.

Hey Merry Christmas, family.   Pick on each other next year, we won't be there.

Ever heard of being a good host,manners, that sort of thing?

Was so blue afterward that I ended up spending the rest of Christmas crying.

Lovely family day.   Can't wait to see them next year!

So if you are blue and missing the family you are estranged from, go see if you kept any documentation on what "family" get together were like in reality.   I know that I did not remember half of this.   This is not even the Sperm Donor's or Monster's actions, but people who are supposed to be happy to see me after a long time.   I realize I spend quite a bit of this journal entry logging in mistreatment of my husband, instead of me.   That is most likely me just being polite, and the disrespect shown to my husband only shows how they really felt about me. Why would I ever EVER want to revisit that?

This quote is exactly right:)

2011-11-02T10:29:00.001-04:00

Those Little Things You Haven't Cleaned Yet

2011-10-23T11:09:00.000-04:00

Two days ago, a Yahoo reminder popped up to remind me of Spermy's birthday.   It's been 5-6 years since we have talked (I believe since 2005) or e-mailed. Last time Spermy made his oh so public comments on my blog were in May of 2007.   Really this estrangement should have started 18 or more years before 2005, but I had drunk the Koolaide laced with "keep your family ties no matter what".   I had already committed a sin of not talking to my mother since 1995, and so felt an obligation to have one donor in my life at least.   Such a mistake on my part! But I was performing and paying back the burden that I was for being born, like an obedient accident. Or as I think now, a DUMB ASS.

I have no need or want (an indifference really) to be reminded of his birthday. Big whoopy ding dong day LOL. It would be like tracking a stranger's birthday, but I have not taken the time to delete these things that no longer interest me off of my calendar.   This includes Eggy's birthday, and I haven't spoken to her since 1995 or 1997, although I have had blog or e-mail discussions with her very infrequently but the last one being November 2010, when Eggy was hinting the person ordering from her online sales (and then not paying) was me!   I am sure she wanted my attention (the reason for this posting), and then enormously regretted what she got (an explanation of libel and the financial implications to her of continuing this--plus the phone numbers to the FBI and police in her area should she wish to actually find the perpetrator).

So I am not seeing any need to be preparing to send out birthday cards, online birthday wishes, phone called birthday wishes or surprise birthday parties for these people.   Way back when I lacked self esteem and was DESPERATE for any support and love from my family, I kept up a family calendar of everyone's dates, addresses, and telephone numbers. I have not cleaned these items up yet.

I think part of healing and part of getting over the hurt, grief, and anger is letting these things go. Not allowing these things to infringe or pop up out of nowhere in your life anymore.   I need this head space for far more productive things (and pleasant things) these days.   The donors that have been burdened by me for 18 years while I was growing up, have already had their payments met by myself.   Those obligations are gone now, and I can breathe in easily and enjoy the peace of the day, instead of playing the games of the donors.

Another Great Quote(s)

2011-10-14T12:14:00.000-04:00

And other honorable mentions:

I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes.

When I shut my mouth and turn to walk away...

And then some really disturbing posts that I found:

Estrangement An Act Boarding on Evil

Our Son Has Been Served

There is one that I now can't find that basically said that if at least their daughter was dead, the would get to see their grandchildren. WTF? Horrifying. I remember getting a letter from saying "I don't even know if I am a great grandmother yet." No interest in me or anything, just in anything that may have sprung from me. I didn't have any children, but in any case if I had answered the answer would have been "no you are not a great grandmother".

Just a hint, if you are trying to reconcile with someone, you might want to show an interest in the PERSON you are ~~pretending to want to~~ trying to reconcile with, rather than showing them your true and insane agenda. Get close to my kids, um, yeah no I don't think they need any phone calls where you describe how you are trying to kill yourself. Thanks, but er,no thanks. Luckily it was never even a problem or consideration.

Blogs from the Outer Web

2011-10-11T12:24:00.001-04:00

Dealing With Those "Special" Occaisions that Are Not Yours---this blogger is usually talking about girl/boy advice, but I think you can apply it to many other relationships.

Everyday Stigma--this is about the "stigma" of sexual preference (which as a society we should really grow up about) however, I think this can be applied to any kind of stigma someone needs to carry with them every day or percieves that they need to carry with them everyday.

Feeling Like The Black Sheep

Sibling Concern

100 Recommended Halloween Movies, Series, and TV

2011-10-01T06:00:00.040-04:00

Halloween is my very favorite holiday.   Coincidentally, I am a bit of a nut about horror movies too.   I have actually spent a considerable amount of time amassing a list of movies that I can call upon each Halloween.

Halloween is serious business, and this is no time to be watching crappy horror movies or sifting through the really bad ones hoping to find a gem. I need sure things for my holiday month (yeah I said it, month NOT day). My big escape over the years has been the good horror movie, and that is why I have seen so many of them.   Way more than a hundred, but these are the ones that I deem worthy of recommending based on orginality, a plot I like, a twist ending that I did not see coming, or because they are "quirky".

On the culmination of the month and on the day, I surround myself with all the candy I could want, and dive into a horror movie marathon.   The whole month though, I try and decorate each day and watch a horror movie to honor the holiday.

Here is what I like in a good horror movie, so you might get an idea where my tastes reside:

It's never about the gore with me, though there may be gore in horror movies that I like. I usually do not like the gore, but it's something about the storyline that I like.
I typically like a background story, though with some movies the mystery (the original The Fog for instance) does not need to be spelled out so much. It's a tricky balance.
Since I have seen so many, I like an unusual bent or angle to the horror movie.
I like when the characters we have come to know live at the end. In other words, the best happy ending that a horror movie can have.
I prefer if no animals are killed (or tortured) in the horror movie (though can not promise that all my picks stick to this).
I am not a zombie or werewolf fan, but am more of a Vampire or Serial Killer fan. Not to say that some of my movies may not have these.
It's rare that I like a remake OR a sequel, but it happens:)
You may find it hard to believe from my list, but I do not like hardcore violence (ala Last House on The Left or Clock Work Orange---sorry that I ever saw those oringals).
If I have seen a documentary on how a low budget horror movie was made (ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre), that may explain my fascination with it later LOL. I never wanted to watch this movie until I watched the documentary on it. Knowing what the actors were going through, and this was not made by a bunch of people that necessarily knew how to get a special effect (never mind safely).
I love gothic movies with old creepy houses in them. If I can check out the house in the movie, I am a happy camper.
I love horror movies that can also add comedy. However this is a tricky mix, and some movies try this but fail horribly. It is the very rare movie that does this well.
As in my horror books, I like when everything looks innocent on the OUTSIDE but INSIDE it is NOT AT ALL.
I grew up on "Creature Double Feature" so I like the good horror giant monster, but am more particular about the special effects LOL.

Without further ado, here are my Halloween recommendations for you (in no particular order-next year and to segment to descriptive tags next year):

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? 1962
Portrait of Dorian Gray 1945
Wicker Man 1973 (the remake 2006 was very good as well)
Sixth Sense 1999
Invisible Man 1958
Diaboliques 1955
Silence of the Lambs 1991 (also Thomas Harris book)
Hannibal 2001
Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte 1964
Single White Female 1992
Fatal Attraction 1987
(Duh) Carrie 1976 (and great Stephen King book)
The Ring 2002
Poltergeist 1982 (the first one IMHO)
Sleepy Hollow 1999
Dead Zone 1983 (also great Stephen King book)
The Fog 1980 (the original only IMHO)
The People Under The Stairs 1981 (funny comedy horror)
House of Wax 1953(remake 2005 is campy sort of crap, but I liked the back story that they gave to it, and it had nothing to do with the original Vincent Price House of Wax)
Motel Hell 1980 (I don't know how I forgot this one)
The Thing 1982 (sci fi horror)
It 1990 (Stephen King)
Alien 1979 (sci fi horror & great book)
Jurassic Park 1993
Black Christmas 1974(the orginal, not the remake)
The Vanishing 1993
The Bad Seed 1956
The Good Son 1993
Magic 1978
Stranger in Our House or Summer of Fear 1978
Secret Window 2004 (also great Stephen King book)
(OMG) The Baby 1973-Talk about a twist ending!!!!
The Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1978
She Creature 2001
Vacancy 2007
Rebecca 1940
Let's Scare Jessica to Death-classic [don't want to ruin the surprise] movie 1971.
Original Halloween I and II (1978 & 1981), of course. II only thrown in there to continue the story, not as good as one. (I think of one and two as the same movie.)
H20 (1998) , which is Halloween 20 years later.
Rob Zombie's Halloween (first one not the second one---second one was too much in line with the actual)
The Audition, Japanese Horror Movie 1999. Quite a take on your submissive Japanese woman (NOT!!!!).
Godzilla, the remake 1998. A totally American movie doing a fresh new (and sometimes funny) look at Godzilla and how he came to be here. I own this movie, I loved it so much.
The whole Subspecies series. The production company that actually did filming in Romania went bankrupt and out of business, but I so loved these. Yet another different and twisted look at vampires. Subspecies came out in 1991, which I thought was the weakest of them and I actually saw it last. Bloodstone, Subspecies II, came out in 1993. Bloodlust, Subspecies III, came out in 1994. And finally the last (boo hoo) came out in 1998 Bloodstorm, Subspecies 4.
Red Dragon, of course, because I have read the Thomas Harris books. The film came out very well in 2002, I thought.
Blind Beast 1969 is a good Japanese horror film that I recently did a review on. Very, very creepy.
The Burbs 1989. Comedy horror at it's best. Tom Hanks plays a neighbor, who is suspicious of the new neighbors in town.
The Lost Boys 1987. A vampire movie that I always still enjoy when it's on. I like the plot of the younger brother helping out the older brother. Grandpa gets in on the act as well.
Showtime Master of Horror Series. I didn't like them all. The very first one is probably my favorite due to the surprise ending, and just overall creepiness of it. Plus, you are never really sure where you are going......really.
Ghost Story 1981, good book and I think good movie. Actually, if I remember correctly, I might have enjoyed the movie more than the book.
Intensity 1997 (Dean Koontz book first, loved botht he movie and book)
Hideaway 1995 (Dean Koontz book, but changed the story a little bit)
Demon Seed 1977 (Dean Koontz book---can you guess one of my favorite authors LOL)
Lady in White 1988 - this one might be okay for children, but there is a definate reference to a pedophile---be warned. Good mystery ghost story that I think was targetted for children as well.
Burnt Offerings 1976
Perfume: The Story of a Murderer 2006 --Totally Gothic and creepy, not sure how I felt about the ending, but a terrifically creepy movie.
Series of about 12 Dark Shadows The Revival (though it doesn't end there, but production was cancelled, so it's a bit frustrating after episode 12)
Hostel I 2005 and II 2007. II is even better, but I wouldn't discount I at all!!!
Spider Babies 1968
Quills 2000 Really, really gothic. Strong sexual themes and some violence. Really great adult horror movie though.
The Omen 1976 (I HATED the remake) and Damien: Omen II 1978
Children of the Damned 1964
Psycho 1960
The Shining 1980 (not as true to the Stephen King book, but Jack Nicholson's role)
The Shining 1997 (true to the Stephen King book)
Jeepers Creepers 2001
Jeepers Creepers II 2003
Joyride 2001
The Other 1972 (also an excellent book, and the movie is pretty true to the book)
King Kong 2005 (one movie where I like the remake much more than all the others before it)
Creep 2004
Misery 1990 (also great Stephen King book)
The Haunting 1963
Changeling 1980
Sweeney Todd 2007
Prom Night 1980
Frailty 2001
Strangeland 1998
American Psycho 2000
Cloverfield 2008
Day After Tomorrow 2004
True Blood Series 2008
Dexter Series 2006
Reaper TV Show 2007
Wolf Creek 2005
The Blob (always loved this movie) 1958
Godsend 2004
Cape Fear (remake with DiNero) 1991
Communion or Alice Sweet Alice 1976
Rosemary's Baby 1968
Interview with A Vampire 1994
House of Wax (Vincent Price) 1953
House of Wax (Paris Hilton LOL) 2005 a beginning scene in this really did it for me!
The Ring 2002
Three Extremes 2004
Yoga 2009
What Lies Beneath 2000 (I like how the beginning starts, and helps with the twist ending)
Scream I, II, & III (and looking forward to IV) 1996 1997 2000
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974
Dream Home 2010
The Burrowers 2008 ---very creepy old west meets horror

Dear Donors

2011-09-30T14:02:00.003-04:00

Weird Ass Dreams

2011-09-24T09:47:00.000-04:00

I do not think this dream has anything to do with my donors or step monster.   In fact, unless I see them physically (and they do something rude towards my husband) they do not much reside in my head anymore. They seem to be floating farther and farther out to sea as far as my thoughts are concerned.   I have no time or inclination to rescue them or seek them out.

So anyway, onto the strange dream.   I believe I know why I had it, I was talking to a neighbor about programs on animal abuse the other day.   Also, I always see the posts about how people hate all pet stores, and would rather "not buy" their animals (although if you go through a breeder or a rescue shelter you are buying).   Wasn't going to interject my opinion here on pet stores, but what I hate are pet mills.   I think it's more honest to say you don't support pet stores, instead of acting like buying a puppy from a shelter is so drastically different. Anyway, that is a post for my other blog at another time. Suffice it to say that the problems of pet sales and pet ownership are far more complex than boycotting pet stores that sell pets.

The dream begins in a recurring place that is sometimes in my dream. It is an overcrowded pet store, with kittens and puppies jammed in cages (looking sickly) up to the ceiling.   Sometimes during the dream it turns into shelter with those same conditions (luckily most shelters need to be inspected).   Everytime I see this place in the dream, I recognize it as a recurring place (not at all a real place that I have been, my mind completely makes this up).

There is a rag doll kitten there that catches my eye.   I should say that since Mustache, our last cat, died of old age in 2006 or 2007, we have not gotten another cat as we are both horribly allergic to them! Miss everything about them except the dreaded cat box, but if we were not allergic...we would most likely still have cats as well as dogs.

Somehow, I present this kitten to Robert, and he must have agreed as we came home with a kitten. Actually here is where it turns a bit bizarre.   We come home with two kittens actually one striped and one that looks like a stuffed doll but is living.   On closer inspection, I discover that it is a covering on either a very deformed kitten or a very abused kitten who is all bandaged underneath....

That discovery is the last thing I remember about that dream.

Glad to see that my sleeping brain is working on more important issues, however.   Like the plight of animals everywhere, pet shops, and what happens to them when they do not get the right home.

Great Posts From The Web

2011-08-24T19:25:00.000-04:00

Revoking My Family Membership I hope to be able to write this well and thoroughly on my experience one day. Very powerful, and some "aha" moments.

Reconciliation After Estrangement

When Estrangement is Necessary An interesting piece and view of going through estrangement.

How Do I Explain A Family Rift to Children? Also a nice bonus regarding the author's own experience with her child and the rift of divorce.

How to Deal With the Estrangement of An Adult Daughter?

Shout Out To This Blog About Boundaries

2011-08-10T10:19:00.003-04:00

I found some new resources of blogs regarding nacissists, family estrangement, self esteem building e.t. that relate to my topic.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/stop-explaining-stop-justifying-stop-talking-boundaries-are-upheld-with-action/

This blog is targetted towards women dating, but brings to light issues that can fit into all lives at any age with the tweaking of a few words.   I totally agree with this blog about boundaries.   There is no discussion needed, one's boundaries are one's boundaries and they will be respected...no discussion needed.

Though we all have tried to justify our boundaries to others.   I love the way this author puts it into perspective as this wasted energy is "pointless". The author is so right on about that, and I figured this out about 6-5 years ago. My boundaries began to have a period at the end of them with no other words needed thereafter.

Arguments to my boundaries from Spermy:

"I respect you and your feeling more than you know. But, I have my needs and feelings too. I want to talk with you about what has happen to us, not just about Bettyann, but going all the way back to the beginning. Yes it will be painful, yes it will hurt, but at least it will be real. What we are doing now is not real, what you propose is not real. I'm willing to compromise," BULLSHIT alert. What compromise was put forth?   And why do I need to make a compromise? I have compromised decades of my life by this point. Spermy can not even concede that I am done talking about Bettyann or "The Monster".   I have already talked, I have already heard all the excuses, I was done.   This is the one boundary that I put down, and Spermy needed to have compromised on LOL.

Put your boundary down and end the discussion.   They will either abide by it, or not. I also am not going to spend my time AGAIN arguing with my father on what my feelings were during my childhood for Christ Sake!!! What a further absurb waste of my time and life it would be to engage in "Spermy's compromise" (ie do everything HIS way).

One additional and interesting note about this though, in my recent correspondence with Spermy's sister and my uncle by marriage, it was clear that my aunt has been given the impression that Spermy and I don't speak BECAUSE OF THE MONSTER.   Now while the monster is an abhorrently selfish and evil woman, as far as I a concerned, I actually hold Spermy SOLELY responsible for his past and continued actions. I hold HIM responsible as it should be. He can marry and be with a souless monster if he wants to, she has and never had anything to do with our lack of relationship HE DID. I do find it interesting that Spermy has tried to deflect blame to others in these different ways.

I am not saying that the monster should be praised for her evil and selfish behavior, but it has nothing to do with Spermy (except for those times when he supported or encouraged this abuse of me). Again, Spermy's actions are his actions, Eggy's actions are her actions, and the Monster's actions are her actions.   No one is responsible for what the other does or did.   They can just worry about their own actions.

A "Note" From Spermy Over 26 Years Ago

2011-08-10T08:30:00.002-04:00

I probably saved this piece of correspondence from Spermy, because:

It is probably one of the only written things that I ever got from him (except birthday cards where he would sign his name).
It was an apology 26 years ago, and I was probably pretty sure I would never see one again.
And I might have actually been naive enough to be touched by the "written sentiment".

Without further ado, this is the note I chose to "cherish" way back when:

On the front is a Boyton cartoon monster with horns, and it says "I'm Sorry" above the monster.   When you open it up it says "I know I've been beastly".

Hand written message says "Dear Robin, Sorry about our phone conversation the other night.   You should know by now (after 18 years) that the best way to get what you want from Dad is to talk it out reasonably.   I hate hearing things like that over the phone. It is also very hard to hear that you want to live in Lowell instead of home.   It is hard for a father to see his daughter grow up and move away.   I guess when you become a father you'll understand.   Hope to see you soon.   Love, Dad."

Oh, man if only I had the insight to really read this apology at the time. First of all, realize I lived in Lowell, as that is the college that I was sent to, and I could NOT DRIVE.   So the only way we could speak was either by phone, or dad could have gotten off his ass (before the monster he never came up to see me, and then when the monster came along, he saw me with her----which was like the rest of our relationship, it had to go through her---had she not been an evil selfish woman---which she is---that might have worked out just fine for me) and driven out to see his daughter at college on occasion (rather than to call and bitch her out whenever he did call).

Note the "You should know by now", so the event that he is sorry for is right off the bat my fault (but it warrants the only one of two apologies I have received---the other one saying that I was as bad as my Eggy). You know all my life as a kid, I was told that I needed to grow up, support myself, and move out ASAP.   That they would Spermy would spend all his money, not save for me, and all my support plus his old age (and subsequent funeral costs) would be my obligation.

Who knew fulfilling my parents' very request would bring such hostility?   I really don't know what was said, but if the incident with the custom worked heavy wooden chair being smashed beside me when I asked a question when I was home (in a reasonable manner as I assume I talked before this apology was given) DID NOT WARRANT an apology, I can only imagine what Spermy might have said to me. In any case, it just recedes into to long list of verbal and emotional baggage I got to receive and sift through from him, when things began to become clear to me.

Now my growing up warrants verbal and emotional abuse from my father (all things I can control by the way being born, growing up).   Before being clothed and fed warranted abuse.   Then talk about a Freudian slip "when I am a father I will understand?" Have I mentioned that Spermy hates woman and girls?   Ah, but he likes other men, especially selfish narcissists like himself, like my dear stepbro (a topic for another post). Yeah, er Spermy, I never did get to be a "father" first of all because I would need to have a penis and sperm to do that. Secondly, interesting that you never understood that your "child" would not necessarily have children LOLOL.

Dear Spermy, I am sorry I hurt your feelings by talking about this stuff, BUT YOU ARE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE AND OTHER CHILDREN OF SUCH ASSHOLES SHOULD KNOW THAT OTHERS EXPERIENCE THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR FROM THEIR SPERM OR EGG DONORS. "Love ya just like you love me", Your Sperm/Egg combo (sarcasm from the But on, as I know that I just mirrored back what Spermy and Eggy do)

The above written apology by Spermy must have been right around those "good times we were having together" that he wanted me to talk more about. My instincts were right on by the way, to stay the hell away from ~~"home"~~ hell.   I can not imagine what that would have been like.

Open Your Eyes and See

2011-08-07T12:19:00.000-04:00

Found a new blog today. I just had to laugh, as there is always much discussion about a Narcissist's playbook. Well "Open Your Eyes and See" has just discovered the use of such a book in her own family situation.

The targets of this sort of behavior always question themselves about whether they are overreacting or crazy, and then when this sort of gift falls into one's lap---it's sad that some of us actually need this evidence, when we aren't doing anything wrong other than living our lives to the best of our ability (and being honest and straight forward).

Manipulation, I am convinced, is a sneaky form of abuse.

Great blog, and I have included it in my "blogs that prove you are NOT alone".

Tethered in my Younger Days

2011-08-07T10:04:00.004-04:00

In my junior high, high school, and college days, I was so out of touch with my feelings about what was happening around me and to me.   I did not recognize that my anger came from being manipulated, played with, used as a pawn by my donors.   I didn't consciously realize this was going on.   Why would I?

And yes, if you follow the links above, you will find that I had issues in my high school and college days.   Issues that I had acknowledged and apologized for long ago. Issues that my Donors like to go back to and lovingly stroke and carress as their excuse for continued emotional and verbal abuse of me well into adulthood.   If I had not said no to both of them once (and effectively ended my usefullness to either of them), then this behavior towards me would still continue.   If you read my familial rules below, you will find out that is not allowed (saying no):) Well yes, the behavior towards me does still continue, but they have effectively been hacked out of my life, so it's just not as effective as it once was (plus I don't feel compelled to fetch them whatever they need on a whim). (for instance S Donor could not ask to take my collectibles for free so he could gift them to Brett with Monster's name on the card as he used to feel free to do).   Yup, his daughter the handy Hallmark not store but give away, because you were born.

I was "trained" not to realize what was going on.

"Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time. The difference here is you have built a whole different reality about your life and you have left out all of the good that ever happened to you, and there was good before Rob." well yeah, most likely there were moments in my life that were good, not sure they all included dear old Spermy, however. See my reality is not real.   Much like when I told him I was happy about his divorce to Eggy, I was wrong about that too (eyes roll).

"What I find interesting about your blog is how you can pass off half-truths as fact." What I find interesting about Spermy is that he starts off the conversation, but when I answer...he can not finish the conversation.   See that would me listening and then in his case...justifying what a shit he is .

"If this is the only way that we can communicate, I’ll give it a shot. I don’t usually read blogs." yeah, he gave this about as much of a shot as he gave being an actual parent LOL. Note the long suffering he will give it a shot, while he does not read such stupid drivel .   I should be happy that Spermy, like Eggy, is so obvious and transparent.   It makes my life and decisions so much easier.   And if you are going to have a parentard like this one, let's hope they are as transparent and not bright enough to just realize they put out their true feelings on the INTERNET.   I mean, I realize mine are out there, but I am not trying to reconcile with anyone. I am not trying to pretend there is a different story to one group of people, and then call Spermy a piece of shit hoping no one sees that. No alternate face that I am trying to present. I wasn't a perfect daughter by the way, but I was pefectly alright as a daughter.   In fact, I think I went above and beyond what I was entitled and duty bound to do.

What was going on was only what my controlling parents confided or told me was going on.   The way I was supposed to think and behave came on their direct orders.   Veering from that course meant being beaten down (not physically but in other ways---see above) until compliance was once again achieved. Everything that happened to my parents was someone else's fault, including mine.   I was the burden, and the burden was not supposed to speak out.   God forbid!!

From the link above and actually posted on my site by S Donor "Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations," (wow, sorry my error, didn't realize I could have fed and clothed myself when I popped out).   This is right up there with lines like "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you, so how dare you cut me out of your life."   I mean is it such a stretch for a parent to not sexually or physically abuse their child?   Do they give out some kind of award (that I am unaware of) for not sexually or physically abusing your child?   And in my S Donor's case, it is so much more convienent to allow the monster to do it for you anyway. That way, your hands are never dirty...cause you didn't actually physically abuse your child.

The basic familial rules:

I will never be able to get along without my "family", specifically my parents. (I have to say if I take out three letters of this statement, I would be able to agree with this in my specific case).
Parents can do no wrong, and children can do no right (unless you were following the parents directive, and even then if something went wrong that is the child's fault as well).
Children need to forget parents wrong doings...not only forget but retell the tale and believe that lie. Parents can hold anything and everything against a child, especially and including the fact that they were born AND that they needed to feed you and cloth you for the first 18 years of your life.
Children can never make a mistake, and any mistake made will be unforgivable whether it had anything to do with the parents or not. Parents can make as many mistakes as they would like, and the child better not even remember that it happened.
Children will never show or express anger. EVER NO MATTER WHAT. Place that mask over the face, which was an accident anyway. Accidents don't get to express feelings or anger. Again, parents do get to express anger whether it's directed at the child, but really towards the other spouse. This is because, again, the child should not be there in the first place.
THE CHILD WILL NEVER EVER, NOT EVEN WHEN THEY REACH ADULT AGE, EVER SAY TO NO THEIR PARENT.
Oh, and you will procreate and bring forth grandchildren, or that will be yet another thing that you have done wrong. I did not experiment with that one to see how my children would be treated by their "loving grandparents". Other than I expect they would have either been ignored or treated like pawns to deliver messages, similar to the way I was treated. Or any of the other horror stories that other adult children have told of how their parents treat their children.
The only people that a child is supposed to pay attention to or grieve for is the parent. A parent has every right to intrude their needs over a period of grief or sickness for that child or that child's loved ones.

I was supposed to love my place.   I was pulled out when needed for something, and put away on the shelf to get dusty and be ignored until needed again.   Later on in my adulthood, my spouse was also supposed to fill in for the burden that they bore by having me.   He was supposed to be (and was) useful for moving furniture, fixing up their summer house, cleaning out dead relatives homes or apartments, or whatever else was needed work wise, especially since I had wised up to the point where I no longer asked how high when told to jump. I am all to sure that sadly, other children both still growing and adult have experienced these "rules" and "expectations" that they were born into.

These rules are made to silence and repress. I was supposed to grow up a healthy willing....slave.   Not a happy healthy adult, but someone willing to come to service on the whims of these people who "loved me". Silenced and repressed I was until about age 29.   And then again still for the other parent until age 38. Those are some long, confused, depressing, and angry years that my life waited for me until I grabbed it and dragged it back to me.   Oh yeah, at first I was terrified that my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents would no longer have anything to do with me.   Then I thought, er, these are people you see a few times a year.   (I am not saying that I don't like them or anything, but the reality to cleave on desperately to something that only hurts and diminishes you so you could see people on Christmas maybe?) Some of them still cleave onto the same or similar familial rules that I hung onto.

What is really too bad was that in college, I knew what I needed to do.  If anyone is 18, in the same situation, and reading this....moving out on your own and finding your own way very well may prevent a lot of pain later on.   It may even repair the relationship (though I am under no illusions in my case that is what would have happened).

You never do know though. When I was about to be married at 25, I became very upset that my grandmother did not seem excited and happy for me.   (This will also be in my imprinting post)   I was influenced, unfortunately, by the things my S Donor and E Donor said about my grandmother around me, and had never delved into our relationship on a personal basis.   One might expect that I have a bit of trouble with this and relationships in general.   I am not a trusting person, but I try to be more open minded and occaisionally let someone in.

Finally, I expressed my dissappointment to my grandmother. I was angry by that time, and it was not a calm sensible discussion on my end.   My grandmother could have called back (after I hung up on her) and told me that I was totally out of line.   Instead when the phone rang, and I picked it up (I had probably thought about not picking it up) the first words that I heard were "I am sorry".   I realized then that I did not know my grandmother at all, and was instead reflecting back what others were imprinting on me about others.   If I had been closer to my grandmother at that point, I could have probably undone some of the damage that my S Donor and Monster made on my grandparents and my relationship.   They certaintly went on a smear campaign, and intentionally went after my relationships so that I would have no one (a very common strategy for these type of people).

In growing up, loosing relatives and friends, (talking to some of them towards the end) I realized that not being truthful and honest about how you feel DOES NOT AND NEVER WILL HEAL A RELATIONSHIP.   Now it's one thing if someone consciously and knowing chooses to have a superficial relationship, and makes that decision knowing how or if it affects them and their life.   I think it's another to internally hold a grudge and anger until it's too late, and that person did not have a chance to prove you wrong. I feel this is what happened with my aunt and my grandmother.   There was a lot of anger there, but "duty" kept it from ever being discussed or resolved. Those familial rules, and I would like to believe that my aunt might have been surprised at the true spirit of my grandmother.   Then again, my grandmother might have been someone else towards her.

This is another thing that "family" or "relatives" have a hard time understanding. The drinking eating man or woman with the smile on their face is never seen turning the corner and whispering into someone's ear unsavory details about the people they don't like. They missed the monster laughing at my grandmother because she spilled some cookie crumbs on the floor.   They miss the mean spirited smirk when they turn their back. I don't think my S Donor has the capacity to love or like anyone.   The moment those people are not useful to him, they are out.   This is why his family situation right now is idyllic for him (talking immediate step monster, stepbro), because he is surrounded by others who are very very similar to him.   And thank goodness they found each other instead of unsuspecting other people....again.   They have already spread around their share of strife and unhappiness to those who accidentally stepped on their path.

The great thing is that for almost 6 years now, all tethers have been broken.   I have found myself, and my strength to make my own imperfect relationships and try for more in my life.   I have realized that I deserve more than what some people wanted to burden me with (my mistake in being born). The consistency of my donors allows those tethers to remain severed, and for me to enjoy the rest of my life. Still getting over this sure...but realizing the road is right and the paving gets better and better.

Well If Nothing Else Spermy is CONSISTENTLY a Dickhead

2011-08-06T15:51:00.000-04:00

I love consistency. I use it very much in dog training, as the communication is so much more clear. "Loving" and oh "so sorry" Spermy went to the local flea market today. Obviously, NOT realizing that we set up there every week or so.

I was at home waiting for some dog owners, when on the phone with hubby, he said that he saw Spermy poking about. Now Robert has lost sixty pounds, and is at a weight that perhaps Spermy never saw him at before. Course we have had the bright yellow Nissan with my company name on it for sometime, but I am guessing that I genetically have the lack of observation from Spermy. Another proof that as mystifying as it is, we apparently are related and this was no mistake (no switched babies at the hospital sadly enough for me).

I had thought Spermy McHasPutOnThePoundsandisStillaMiserableSonofaBitch would probably be gone by the time I got there. But of course husband made me look and see him by pointing. Now it's one thing to treat me like shit on a stick (after all I ruined his life not only by being born, but talking about the unacknowledged truth of my childhood and adult life with Spermy),

My husband tells me Spermy McShitHead actually wandered into our booth. Looked around at things (now I have always been into Snoopy, Barbie, and Tea), which really should have rung a bell in his brain, which has apparently not expanded as much as his girth (yeah, good luck stepbro with taking care of the old folks, as they are certainly not going to make it easy for you). Then, according to Robert's report, their eyes meet. Robert makes a smile. Spermy squints and then grimaces at him.

Oh sorry, was it Robert badgering you while your mother was dying about whether his wife should sell their house or not? Oh maybe it was Robert calling your spouse to turn her on you? No that F wad was him. If anyone should be grimaced at JackOFF, it should be him.

I should really thank him though for consistently being the total piece of shit that he is.

How Some of The Rest of My Family "Works"

2011-07-17T08:39:00.003-04:00

My father's siblings seem to have a "similar" condition in their relationships as my father has.   One actually does seem to have a close relationship with two of their children (of the three). The other does not seem to notice that their relationship is a bit strained with all three of their children.   With other people (like offspring) their relationships are very superficial.   Basically seeing these people a few times a year, but able to bring up the "family" card while not knowing these people at all.

When my step monster woke me up from a sound sleep with a slap (because Spermy said to go to sleep, he would do the dishes, but when she came home the dishes were not done), Eggy called one of the siblings thinking that they would give support.   What happened was I was called up, and told this was not that bad.   Oh,okay, let me drop by your house one night, walk into your bedroom while you are sleeping, and slap you across the face.   Or perhaps welcome you back into your childhood home by standing at the top of the stairs screaming "you are not letting that bitch into my home".   Then you can live everyday like that, without any money or escape, and see how comfortable your life is as you figure out how to get back out of it.

Spermy's siblings were supposed to be my "God Parents" by the way.   Yeah, I felt really safe and loved.   So here is a message that I send one of Spermy's siblings spouse (ie my aunt or uncle by marriage), who reached out not to me (and hasn't ever bothered to talk to me about this or reach out and find out if I am okay ever and this has been going on for six years) but on Spermy's "behalf" (not that he has shown any interest).

I never got any response from this message sent November 2010 (surprising as they were all interested in reaching out via third party) from this "relative".   Relationships in this family as about as deep as the width of an atom. Why bother?

D,

I had a nice talk with R yesterday. I thought it only fair that I drop you a line as well. Decisions that I make in my adult life have not been made easily and not without some pain. I know you are thinking of this from what you percieve Spermy's side may be or as you yourself would as a father. I further know that since you don't know me at all, you are not going to be able to understand what it's like to be me.
However, I am a person with feelings, and it does hurt to get a message sent to me through another person that I am close to. R felt they had to talk to my cousin about this, but this is not my cousin's fault or problem. My cousin spends time coming here, getting to know me, and we have a good time and discussions about personal and painful things that are private.
I know that you and R identify yourself as my "family". As so, it would have been more appropriate for you to have picked up the phone and talked to me yourself. I would have probably told you it was a private matter, and that's okay. Had we more time together, or an interest in me as a person rather than the offspring of someone you are fond of, we could have possibly had a deeper conversation.
The point is, that it hurts for me. No, I do not want a relationship with Spermy. For me a relationship or family is one that spends time and genuine interest in me. It is not someone I see five holidays out of the year, but whom thinks it;s okay to be abusive towards me any other day. I think Spermy can live without the two hours of conversation that we would have during the year. I did try at one time to have one on one time, but that was not what he was interested in. That's fine, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.
When I mentioned I was in a "good place" to R, they said something like "we are happy for all the things that you have", which is kind of a weird thing to say. What I have is people who love and support me. Life is fleeting and short, and I intend to spend that time with people who love me and I love them.
Tradition and "should does" do not mean much to me when they are not meant with true feeling and purpose. Please remember that I am a human being who has gone through some very painful stuff in her life. I don't appreciate these awful memories being sprung on me around the holidays, and if you wish to do that you should at least do it with me in person.

I hope you understand. I hope that this does not make you feel bad, but it is something I had to say.

The Shrinking Family

2011-07-10T10:43:00.000-04:00

Robert and I are doing great on our weight loss goals. It hasn't been easy in some ways, and easy in other ways. Just good old fashion watching what we are eating and exercising. We did get some tips from a nutritionist that were helpful as follows (and simple);

Do this together which has always been a problem. One or the other was attempting, and then "the temptations" would come in (and I am not talking about the singing group).
Food shopping together (we have not been doing so great on this lately).
Eating the same meals (we do this a lot more, but sometimes are tastes still differ).
Eating more vegetables (never a problem for me, and husband discovered he likes carrots and sweet potatoes after all).
Two thirds of plate should be vegetables. (better on this but not up to two thirds all the time)
First word in bread and cereal ingredients should be whole.
Three meals, and two snacks a day.
When you wake up, eat no more than 1 hour after waking (I have not been so great on this).
Start exercising slowly(have been good on this)
Make menu plans (was good on this in the beginning, but now that we basically know what we are going to be eating, we don't bother so much anymore).

Great tips, and unfortunately the nutritionist that we used left:( We may make some follow up appointments.

Only news on the Spermy front is that we were recently at a flea market. One of my dad's old friends, who incidentally lives right next to his summer house and has for ages, saw me and came to say hello. Apparently Spermy never goes to see his old friend, and when he does see him, he disappears inside the house. This is someone who sold the summer house to him, very low, because they were friends, and no doubt he thought Spermy would keep up the friendship in some way. His friend actually asked ME to say hi to my dad for me. I didn't have the heart to tell him I haven't talked to Spermy in over five years. This is just the way Spermy treats people, dispose of them once they have given you what you wanted. Nice. At least it's not just me Spermy treats this way.

Walk Along the Marginal Way

2011-06-09T10:27:00.000-04:00

Fours for Mulderfan

2011-05-04T07:30:00.000-04:00

Four Places I go:

1. Long Sands Beach
2. Short Sands Beach
3. Portsmouth NH
4. Kittery for the outlet stores to train the dogs around.

Four Crushes I Have:

1. My Husband:)
2. Robert Lowe
3. My Third Grade Teacher, Mr Sullivan (this is more of a had, since I haven't seen him lately)
4. Daniel Craig

Four Smells that I Love:

1. Meatballs cooking
2. Brisket Cooking (okay anything my husband cooks, so I will stop it here)
3. Honey Suckle
4. Ocean breeze

Four Favorite TV Shows:

1. Hung (not sure if it's coming back though)
2. Dexter
3. Modern Family
4. Gossip Girl (my shameful secret)

Four Favorite Movies:

1. Dances with Wolves (I stop watching when they are all about to go, but before the soldier decides to go back---which does not happen BTW)
2. Jumpin Jack Flash
3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles
4. Overboard

Four Recommendations:

1. Dean Koontz books.   He has quite the imagination.
2. Do something new that you always wanted to do.   You won't regret it.
3. Let the people you love know it with actions and words.
4. Take care of yourself.   Your body is the only one you have.

Four People that I'd love to read their Fours:

1. Suburban Black Sheep
2.   Diary of a Scapegoat
3. One Angry Daughter

4. Polly Want a Narcissist

Four Things about me that you don't know:

1. I can burp at will.
2. I love historical romances by Lisa Kleypas only (another shameful secret)
3. I totally adore horror movies (though you can't tell by my top four movie list).   I have a hard time finding ones that I haven't seen (ie classic ones) OR any decent new ones.
4. I refuse to be defined by a political party. I vote for who I think will get the job done.

Four bands that I love:

1. The Who
2. Jethro Tull
3. Nickelback
4. Duran Duran

A Couple of Other Terms and Where I Am

2011-05-02T10:37:00.000-04:00

Blame (for me)-I have a good life, so there is nothing to blame anyone for.   In any case, it has been my life based on my decisions, values, conscience and responsibility. I neither blame my parents for my adult life, NOR give them credit for my adult life. It's been earned, bought and paid for by me and no one else.

NOTE:   I have to say that I blame the male donor for infiltrating negative things to my grandparents about me.   It's like from an early age, perhaps he was envious that I had the relationship that he never accomplished with them.   Even with my aunts and uncles (not that these are great people by any means), he actively sought to distance them from me before I was even grown up or estrangement even reared it's head.

***Alright, now I am going to have to make a note to blog on imprinting on young and impressionable minds.   I remember having a lot of baggage about my grandmother, but then I think back to what my parents were saying about her to me.   I never showed it, but it was clear that grandma's place, according to my parents, was a horrible place to go. Perhaps it was for them, but I realize now all those negative things began to slant how I perceived grandma and her place to be.    I feel robbed of what could have been a deeper relationship.   It wasn't until my wedding in 1991 when I got really upset with her, that we had a talk that truly changed our relationship for the better.   I wonder what would have happened if all that negativity about her hadn't been fed to me on such a constant basis and also the reverse----if the things my father said to her had not been used to influence her.   I am never going to know.   It feels like at least with my grandparents (my aunts and uncles seem about as capable of giving a shit as Spermy) something was diminished for me deliberately and with a plan of action. I must admit, that I have trouble letting go of that, BUT it's been a newer thought of recent.   It came up (and this is the separate post that I needed to do) when discussing an event that inadvertently changed the way a friend feels about hugging or touching.   It just happened at that young age, and no one did anything wrong.   But in talking to her about how this phobia is probably traceable to that event, it brought up things in my life that were probably imprinted early on.

Blame (for the donors)-ER see the quote below that Spermy left on this blog:

"Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations, buy his daughter pets, paying for college tuition, until you flunked out for the third time, etc. Not the best dad I admit" ***one might wonder where the Father of The Century Plaque and Trophy went, as I am quite sure that he never received it.

One, I guess he did not get the memo that children require care, and families require care which usually includes working.   Somehow I get the feeling that I am being blamed for his having to work, and then sucking up the money by being the "accidental" child. BTW I have had multiple jobs without having a child. Spermy was a teacher with the summers off, and this is when he did his "second job", which did NOT go on for most of his life.

It would be like me complaining that he wasn't a doctor and I couldn't have the privileged life and stuff that I wanted. So very glad he put that in writing.   He mentioned recently that he does not believe in face book to a relative.   Yeah, I wouldn't want shit like that out there about me either, especially if I was stupid enough to write it myself (while trying to convince my offspring to reconcile with me).   Or have the pretense of it anyway for appearance sake.

Some families, and I know this is crazy talk, enjoy going on family vacations together. And he says this like we did this after I was aged five.   We did not.   I also didn't realize what really horrible company I must have been on a family vacation.   I only know that at age five, I was not asking them to rent a house for me on the Cape (eyes roll).

College, I flunked out twice, and paid for all of it. I apologized (I am not sure why now) repeatedly for this offense that had nothing to do with him, as he did not full fill the divorce financial obligations, which is why I felt forced to go to college right away in the first place.   No one was interested on where I went, what I was doing and getting out of it.   I was just a pawn in divorce proceedings.   But once I did what I knew was right, which was to take a couple years off and work, it all fit into place, and I put myself through college again.   I graduated Magna Cum Laude by the way with a 3.5.

I am pretty sure that I am to blame for the state his marriage was in, for the miserableness of his life, and the reason why people may be questioning his "way" his own offspring.

My mother definitely blames me for our estrangement.   My taking out of context, lies, and the ability not to be able to read what she writes in black and white---all according to her my fault for the estrangement.   Not to mention that I was the one to make it a final thing.   How dare I? Since it was infinitely discussed with me that I was "the accident" by her, I can only imagine how far that blame goes down the pike. I have felt it my whole life, and not known what it was.   Weren't other families like this?

Sort of unrelated but I frequently tell my husband what movies my parents used to take me to when I was quite young. They were not appropriate for someone of my age, especially the late night ones at the drive in theatres.   I thought it was cool for me back then.   But my husband asked "so they had no one to look after you, so your movie go outs were them just dragging you along to movies that they wanted to see?"   I mean it never even occurred to me that my parents, like parents I see now doing, weren't waiting for a Toy Story to bring me to OR bringing me along to see things that I was requesting. I was just something to be brought along.   I know I am not explaining it right, it's not the movie part that bothers me.   It's the utter lack of interest that my donors had in their own offspring, and have continued to have....I am only useful to them as an extension of them somehow.

Envy (for me)-I do not envy my donors at all.   They are both possessed of things that are material.   I think they are more of a weight to them for the amount of admiration they seek from other people for their "stuff".

Envy (from the relatives)I was once surprised that a relative said to me (about me moving to York Maine near the beach) "some of us are going to think *why you?* Why does she get this and that?" Such a nice thing to say NOT. Then just last year, my Aunt said to me "we are all happy for the things that you have Robin". I was surprised to find me, the black sheep, to be the target of envy. Not nice envy either but begrudging envy.

How dare I have made my way successfully to a good place without them?   I am supposed to fail, I am supposed to be human garbage, and for sure I am not allowed to live near the beach.

Have I mentioned how materialistic and greedy my family is on that side?   They used to split up the grandparents stuff in front of them when they were alive.   Actually in front of all of us.   Nice, huh?   I only wish I had found my voice then so I could let them know how appalling they were acting.   We are talking about an old Italian couple who lived through the Depression and did not come out wealthy or anything remotely like that.

Some Terms and My Place in Them

2011-05-01T11:32:00.003-04:00

Acceptance (for me)-I believe have a reached the place of acceptance in my relations with my donors.   They are who they are, and I don't need to search any further to figure out who they are.   I am unable to accept a relationship where I am abused, asked to scurry for them, and not have a viable two way relationship.   I would not be able to go beyond a superficial relationship with them anyway, as anything I share finds a way to be used against me. I am good with letting go of the dream of having a healthy relationship with the people that made me. It is a dream very long dead anyway.

Acceptance (via the donors)-No they have not accepted that I am an individual with unique views, opinions, and interests.   They have not acceptance that I won't live in repression and lies for their comfort.   As far as the donors are concerned, I have not reached a point where they can accept me IMHO.

Validation (as it relates to me)-Once upon a time I longed to hear JUST that I was heard (that is after my longing for apology had passed).   It no longer maters to me (see acceptance ). I have designed my plan of action and gone forward.

Validation (as it relates to my donors)-I am unable to excuse their actions.   I see the words written and said, and I can validate that.    However the actions are in direct conflict with the words.   I can't even believe that my donors feel any real pain of not seeing me, in fact I think it must be quite the reverse, because I will not speak lies and supplicants to them. I have acknowledged that they fed, clothed, and provided me shelter.   I have also acknowledged that our rift has no connection to how I was brought up, other than there was never a bond there between me and the donors that I could cleave to.   In other words, I can not validate a reason for us remaining in a relationship together as things stand today and have stood for 23 and 14 years.

Apology-From the male donor, I have received the words that "I am sorry" followed immediately by the excuses.   Then followed even more immediately by his public blog post (on this blog) on his grudge that I did not graduate from the first college that I went to (which I had apologized to him a looonnnggg time ago about). So the words mean nothing to me, it is still clear that male donor feels totally justified in encouraging his current wife to abuse me (physically, verbally, and emotionally).

In 2008 (11 years after the female donor and I estranged, and four years after her lie) the female donor typed the words sorry for lying about how I felt about my grandfather's and step brother's death.   This even coincidentally came after talking to someone she calls SIL that said I felt she was mentally ill, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive (controlling, narcissistic, and the list goes on). Course she says now that she really felt that way, but NOW realizes it was a mistake.   And then, right after the sorry came "haven't you ever been wrong?" I mean yeah I have, but not of stories I have made up to simply hurt a person.   I realize my donors are hurt by the truth, but that is not my problem.   It has been my actual experience of observations of something written in black and white.

So, no, I don't wait around for apologies.   I have given plenty of heartfelt apologies in my life that I did not need to make excuses for NOR need to nullify in the next sentence or discussion (or write "shit happens" as an excuse for harming someone). I in turn, feel nothing to apologize for now.   I spent much time, years, effort, trying to save these (non) relationships.   My time is better spent in other avenues these days.   These things used to cripple me as a person, and now I am free to be me.

The reason that the male donor wants apologies accepted is simply for the sake of appearance for him and his monster.   It makes him look bad. My female donor, it is not hard to tell, [did not give any apologies really anyway] wants to live in the illusion of her victim hood and martyrdom. She certainly wants one so that she can rise again to the realm of the "fictional bestest mother", but she certainly does not want a real relationship with her offspring.   She never did, and that is never going to change. She wants someone to worship at the alter of her, and if you can't do just that, the hell with you.   I am so over jumping through those hoops, and not being allowed to say "no" ever, and that goes for both of my donors. Never mind that they can not reciprocate with love, understanding, or anything like that.   Those are the times where it is most all about them.

Forgiveness-Much of the way that I was, have been, and continue to be treated as an adult, I can not forgive.   I want to forgive, I try to forgive, but I do not feel it deep inside me.   I don't know the way there, but I hope I find it some day.   I don't like feeling angry and hurt even if it lessens every year.   My non forgiveness is a burden that has been with me for too long.   Sometimes grief does not officially end either though, and I wonder if that is what I am going through. Or if there is a definition of forgiveness that I have met. Like no longer needing an apology or validation from my donors. Realizing they are what they are, and I had nor have any power to change them.   I think I am thinking of forgiveness as the ability to accept them and their actions.

Defintion of forgive from this site, http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/forgive:

"To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.

To renounce anger or resentment against.

To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example). "

The first one, not ones in my adulthood, I have not.   I have been unable to get rid of anger and resentment fully (it lessens).   However to absolve from payment (ie you are no longer expected nor required to be in my life), that I have achieved.

Grief-I think with acceptance came the larger part of getting over the grief of letting go of a dream.   But grief is always there, I think just less of it and less frequent feelings of it.   I feel it more now for other people just beginning on the journey to dealing with unloving parents.   It's a large burden for a child or adult to carry with them, and I think you always feel that somehow you never measured up, especially if others have or seem to have.

Hate-I am ashamed to say that it is possible that I may hate one or more of these parties.   I wish I could say that it is simply that I hate what they did.   I don't even know that I hate them as I write this, so I will now look up the definition of hate to see if it shines some light on this.To feel hostility or animosity toward.

The below is from this site, http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/hate:

"To detest.

To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes. "

Weird that they used dishes as an object for hate.   I really thought this was a more powerful emotion than this, so yeah, I guess I hate all parties according to the above definition of "dislike or distaste"

And the definition of detest? http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/detest

"To dislike intensely; abhor."

Well there you go.   That definition fits how I feel about all three parties if that is how "hate" is defined.

***My female donor has written about her intense disliking of me (though she also "adores and loves me" (er not).   And it would certainly not be a revelation or shock to ME that she hated me. I would submit to my audience that my male donor hates all women and some races of people that include both sexes. He needs them in his life, but he hates them all the same as far as I can see.   He has a sociopath's love for women as objects that may provide some use to him.   I believe his marriage is based on mutual hate now (and in the past) because one tries to tear down the relations of another (though I don't blame them for the other's actions).   And the other needs someone to be with, but also is no stranger to saying demeaning things about them at family gatherings, and showing anger in the most ridiculous situations.   It is a perfect marriage for the both of them I figure, BUT not one based on true love.   They would need to really know and experience what it is FIRST. They are incapable of that.

Pity-I do have that and empathy for my donors.   They are living a life that for me would be torture to live.   They can not be authentic in public, they are miserable on a daily basis (maybe not female donor, but her posts do not give me the impression of great joy even on her other blogs), and they feel out of control and angry when they can not control everything.   To keep the relations that they still have, I have to assume that they still need to hide themselves from some of these people.   Two of these people are in deplorable physical condition, and one I heard had to use a walker recently.   Obviously, their physical condition is not my fault and was not so great before we estranged, and is their responsibility.   But it does point out to the fact that emotionally they are not doing so hot.   I don't think this is because of me, and in fact I can only imagine that I improved things in the marriage of a couple of parties. I think it is because of the way that they are, and how they must relate to others.   I would be quite miserable to if I could not be myself, could not be honest, and had to live behind a mask. Been there, and done that. It is no way to go through life.   Of course taking their mask off does not mean unmasking a kind or gentle spirit, and therein lies their problem. No one would want to be around them without the pretense, free food, and liquor.

Just Archiving Reasons as Part of the Female Donor History

2011-04-29T13:14:00.002-04:00

I realized that I spent time on my mother's blog, and with e-mails explaining the reasons for our estrangement, so that she could stop publicly posting that "she had no idea". However, I never did transfer these over to "my story", but they remain in "her post".

Here was my umpteenth explanation to her (in 2008):

Here is my list for you, since that format seems to make more sense for you:

1) Did not appreciate the hurtful lies on a board about my feelings about my grandfather or stepbrothers death, mainly because it was a hurtful response to your finding out I thought you were mentally and emotionally abusive.

2) You are mentally and emotionally abusive IMHO. Due to the fact that you have a one sided standard for a relationship. You are not able to accept boundaries (IE spying on me, interviewing family members, bi polar mentioning, other public board postings about medical info that could be written privately, the fact that you respond publicly most of the time to your "audience", and so on....I have mentioned them before).

3) While I have not pressed for more info on your "explanation" (there was none) of your mentioning my bi polar that was outside the realm of being spiteful and hurtful, as was in the past, instead of listening you EITHER make up your own stuff or start compiling "evidence". It never ends.

4) You don't listen. You don't absorb anyway. You make up lists, answers, other explanations, but the one thing that you do not do is listen. Or acknowledge or apologize. You do make dramatics for being asked to acknowledge or apologize. I was at first assuming these lists were an attempt to acknowledge, but I perceive a spin on my words coming about.

5) You have shown no interest in ME while you knew me. That is evidenced in your posting about my job and what you thought my strengths were. You were so busy making up negative stories, that you never enjoyed my successes or worried about my worries. Your worries centered around not getting the perfect gift. I did try to be there for you by doing things like organizing the clean up of your father's apartment, but it was never enough. And it was always about you.

6) You do not know how to have a two sided relationship. You do not understand love or define it the way I do.

7) You try to control things, and slam dunk things when they do not go your way. You assume that you are the only person that has gripes, and that you have nothing to gripe against.

8) Given the opportunity to move on, instead you took the opportunity to provide me with a "therapy" letter. You could not keep your word on the way our relationship could and was planned to go forward.

9) Given the opportunity to come visit and work it out, instead you took the opportunity to give a list of demands, after agreeing that we could do things that I liked to do for ONCE. Like I would force you to bike ride or anything, that wasn't the point. The point was you were again being controlling and manipulative. That would not fly anymore.

And I have grown, and continuing a relationship with my father was a huge mistake. It is possible that dissolving it sooner could have actually saved our relationship. Instead, it gave him more a sense of entitlement for his and her actions.

This is the list in my words. If you want to reword it, those are not my words. I won't re translate for you. I think I have been more than clear on my viewpoint. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are trying to understand, but the continued rehashing of this does no good.

I am really mystified as to what you are trying to get out of it. This has all been said before. There is nothing new here.

You could have listened and understood this years ago, though perhaps I wasn't so good at communicating. I apologize for that, however, I am not thinking I saw great examples of communicating in my childhood. I am not blaming anyone, I am just explaining as to why I may have lacked some skills.

Any how, I am really done now. I don't need responses to these, but do that for yourself if you want. You had mentioned going to my blog as a means to help you. I don't want you to, nor think you especially want to.....I am just saying, you can do what you want to do. I certainly keep on top of what you are blogging about. I don't use it as a method of communicating with you or your friends who are visiting. I don't write it with a thought of reconciliation, and I am sure there are harsh things there.

I just do a mental dump there, and like I said you are less than 10% of my postings. And most of my postings usually come along with thoughts of what was posted on your blog.

I do read your blog to reassure myself that I have not made a bad choice. Past actions should speak for themselves, but truth be told, I find it reassuring when you keep on making the same mistakes. I should say though, I appreciate your honesty of what really goes on in your head most times. I do feel as though you are "playing" me right now. Using an empathetic tactic, which clearly sucks me in. I have to honestly tell you, I don't see a time that I will ever trust that it is so. So if you are looking to get something by providing responses that you think I will appreciate it, it is for nothing other than perhaps the satisfaction that you may have made me feel better if not trustful.

****What is interesting to me about my own response to Eggy's manipulative questions and twists on my words, is that I don't really talk about the "final straw" that catapulted my knowledge of who my mother is/was/will be. It is more about the future events after Egg Donor could not accept that I was not going to worry that her gifts were perfect representations of our "fantasy relationship" according to her.

Narcissists As Outsiders In Our Lives

2011-04-21T15:35:00.001-04:00

The last line on One Angry Daughter's excellent post made me remember that I started the below post, and what great info this might be to someone who has not totally "come out" yet OR is not comfortable in their own skin. It also fits into Upsi's topic where a cyber stalker has latched onto a better way to project their rage which their estranged daughter no longer allows.

I work self employed in an occupation that, frankly, does allow for some pretty questionable people to call themselves "professionals".   I mean this term as something outside of an actual craft, but as in ethics, teaching ability, empathy, compassion for others, honesty, experience (as in fabricated sometimes or a legend in their own mind)and business sense. When things (especially honesty, ethics ET) are lacking, what can you really bring away from these people anyway? Especially if their are people offering services who do have ethics, honesty, compassion, experience expertise, empathy, teaching ability and business sense.

I have this online list that I have been a member of since 2004.   The list was closed, moved, and remained in a "protected" state.   This means it is a safe place where "professionals" (and apparently some people's opinion differs than mine) can speak their mind. It is also an unfortunate place where people are endlessly bullied to conform with some IMO pretty twisted thinking.   Since many of the members have been in some form or another "professionally" (and others this is not their full time career) involved with dogs, this means that another person can not have a different opinion.   Some of the bullies who keep others silent (and I know this due to the e-mails that I receive) will completely go off the topic without hesitation and attack you personally. This is how I found out (had suspected due to a feedburner snafoo that probably one or more people had linked me to this blog) that these particular disturbed dog trainers had found me.

Was the conversation about family estrangement? Er, no.   Though perhaps I took an unfair jab at Smellanour, who likes community rules changed to her liking (meanwhile if the shoe had ever been on anybody's foot prior to this, they would have been the object of her abuse) cause she didn't bother to research the canine legislation for these dogs who were "more than her pets" in a relatives illness. (and since she claims to have been a rescue at that time, and running a rescue ....not really sure what the story was other than she wanted to get her way) I normally wouldn't give someone a hard time about this, but she lives on a dog list that discusses greatly canine laws and how they limit owners.   She researched everything else of course except the canine laws and ended up with like 7 or 8 dogs too many and needed to rehome them. Something she could have done easier and without drama, but in the end the community decided to keep their laws rather than cow down to Smellaneour. Her mother was ill so she had moved, and that spiralled into the "I know all about you and your blog, you selfish so and so." Cause you know the interesting thing about Smellenour or people like this in general is that they can ONLY empathize with themselves. So even though my parents aren't dying and are fully wealthy enough to take care of themselves with better care than I could give them, now I am evil just in case I am in the same boat as her. Of course, she knows what my decision would be, never mind that my donors may very well out live me!!!   LOLOL, but a delusional person like this can not see that HER situation is not only not the same as MY situation, but it is none of her fucking business. AND that I don't need to think culling puppies is great when they can have full lives due to a defect AND I actually do not have to think the same way as she does.

It is weird that she was so fascinated that she stored this info for a long time, before springing it and actively follows me. Weird, bizarre and more than a little sick, I think. Whatever floats her boat though, apparently life is not full enough for her. Glad I could help fill in some of the holes.

Yeah, the conversation was not about exceeding local law limits on canines either. It was because I said "I don't believe in culling (killing) a puppy from a litter because it does not meet a standard, or because it has a defect but can live out their lives". Oh, the bruh haha that ensued was remarkable, because I wouldn't take my opinion back.   An Airedale breeder whose name was something like pumpkin seed, needed to say that I didn't want to breed because I knew I would have to cull in that way from a comment that did not resemble that at all.

We all know this as gas lighting, straw man, red herring...   These people who exist feeding off the weaker simply because their opinions may vary than theirs, are people that don't realize others have outed their kind before.

And they are not worth our time. I did unsubscribe from the list NOT because my (non) secret was out.   I can care less.   I don't care what they think about me as a dog trainer never mind my personal decisions in my life. It was because I realized this is basically all the feedback you get on this list from these "professionals".   Most of whom can not play well with others, and so felt the need to leave all the professional organizations that they ever belonged to, because not everyone would think their way.

So hi my BOL club (Bitter Old Ladies), and read away. Hey, don't be an anonymouse next time, and let your name and opinions be known and shine.   Wanna tell anyone your views on culling or is that just on "secret" lists?

Gonna take more than that to ruffle my feathers.   Hey thanks for documenting those interesting items on that list though. More people know how you really operate now, and it's not attractive.

Gotta wonder if this is the same person now stalking other people's blogs.   I could see these people doing this. Especially now that they have been cut off from other venues of bullying, regulated to their "secret" list with other like minded bullies.   What fun is that for a bully to now be on a list where everyone opinions must be the same?   God, they have to branch out somewhere don't they.   So my apologies if they have branched out to a blog near you.

Other Things That Narcs or Socios Do

2011-03-21T12:01:00.001-04:00

One way we can a,ll help out others is to highlight our observations and experiences.   People who have not yet realized they are going through this, have no idea that they are in the midst of this.   Confusion, hurt, and despair rain down them, as they wonder what they have done to deserve this treatment.   The sooner that someone may be able to come to the conclusion that it is in fact not them, the sooner the process of healing and decision making can begin.

Do This and I Will Do That #NOT: A narcissist can only see from the point of view of their need (or a sociopath if they are more likely to step into the world of the illegal or physical violent).   They can not see that their relatives do things with them or for them in order to spend time with them. They get the correlation of how to get something from their victim alright.

They see this as a way to get you to do something. They assume this is the same for you, so they dangle a carrot.   They do not realize that this carrot is a promise to spend time with you or to do a project, nor do they care.   They see this purely as a means to get you to do something, even if you would have done it with the empty promise of a project to be done on your behalf (you are thinking more of afternoons spent spending time together).

Oh, and when the time comes, whatever it was (cookies you last made with your grandmother and socionarc; the bookcases that you would build together, the door to the outside that you would be taught how to frame), those will not ever be considered as being done with you or for you.   These were just a means to get to their end.

Do They Believe That They Are Roosevelts? (or the use of imagined future assets as another carrot) Another great trick for control is the "I want to leave you in my will but....."   Course this only works if the victim is very concerned with being left in the will or cares at all.   It particularly does not work if your victim thinks socionarc is entitled to whatever money they can save to themselves, AND further more is quite sure that their assets will remain in the negative.

It would perhaps be a bit more affective if they had a narcissist as a child who saw great potential in their future assets.   Then you would have to hope for a greedy socionarc child for this to be at it's most effective.

Otherwise, what socionarc is telling their "beloved sperm or egg" is that you think so little of them, that you feel the need to bribe and control them. Not fodder for a great bonding experience and relationship.

I Have A Great Opportunity for YOU! (er no they don't) "I am doing a run (hahaha, not in my stepmonster's case---a charity lift up where her servants carry her around) for charity, and I have an opportunity for you to donate for me and have great advertising"   Translation "You are my horrible step daughter who does nothing for me, I have found a way to use you and am too lazy to get anyone else to give to this to.   I must always find a way for you to do something for me, so I will pretend this has a benefit to you".

Or you have the opportunity to give your product away at your cost so that your donor or monster can gift this to someone, as they are "supporting your business" NOT in anyway using you as a low cost means of getting gifts.   After all, this produces SO MUCH publicity for you, and you would only be relying on family and friends to drive your business.

***Trying to stay out of the personal realm here, but failing in the latter examples.

What other "great" things have your Narcs or Socios done for or to you that announce "I am a Narc and/or Socio"!!! "I care not at all for others, and may pretend to care for those who cater to my life being as comfortable as possible without regard for anyone else but me!"

Spousal Abuse

2011-03-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

A couple of my favorite blogs talk about the abuse Narcissistic parents can heap upon their adult children's spouses.   I have found this to be true, and to go further, I have found that they will try to get to me through my spouse.   Suddenly, my husband is their besty when they need to get to me.   Luckily we have a solid relationship, and so they are not able to do the damage that they seek.

Mulderfan shares their thoughts in a couple of excellent blog posts that illustrates abuse heaped on her spouse:

Spousal Abuse
Guilt After Spousal Abuse

Upsi also shares how her own mother put Upsi's husband between them!

Destination: Gaslight Junction (or as I like to think of it, rewriting history to make one the hero of the story)

I think what really pissed me off when either of my donors disrespected, went after, or used my husband was the following "didn't they get enough jollies out of the mistreatment of me"?   I mean really, you see us a couple of times of year, I am being the dutiful daughter and sucking it up, but you need to also do these things to him? That was unacceptable to me.   It also tells you how lacking in self esteem that I was, that it needed to come to that for me to say "A FUCKING NOUGH ALREADY".

They both tried to use my husband readily enough when the estrangement began, and this is after my female donor had nothing but criticisms to say to me behind his back.   And my male donor felt it appropriate for him and his monster of a wife to call my husband at work, while his mother was dying, for the sole purpose of complaining about me (and in the monster's case to be sure he did not want to list our house through her).

Really, it had to come to that for me to really really see them.   Astonishing, as I am not a stupid person nor normally so willing to have people treat me shabbily. Just thinking about it, pisses me off all over again.

I saw a posting on a board that unfortunately describes what I feel for my donors "I despise them, I really do."

Stumbled Upon Interesting Posts

2011-02-20T11:14:00.000-05:00

How To Deal With Estrangement (if it was not your decision to estrange)

The Critical Parent-How much is too much? Wish I had found this article 25 years ago...

TheQueenandKing Blog-A new blog that I have round, that I will need to add to my resource list (along with others)

Wanted to Point out A Couple Excellent Posts

2011-02-19T11:36:00.002-05:00

Before these get lost, there are two excellent posts. The first is not a happy story, but so important for those of you who are being silent to realize the damage being caused to YOURSELF.   You don't have to suffer the kind of abuse that this man did to do this damage to yourself, and the damage does not need to come in the guise of your death.   By not being truthful and releasing our feelings, lessor but important damage can be done to ourselves. This is an extreme (and terribly sad), but an important example of what silence can do to YOU.

Bill Zeller's Letter
On Bill Zeller's Family Situation

Even if your biological family won't listen or recognize what is going on, find someone to talk to.   There is someone out there that will support you.   There are groups of people that you can find who have gone through the same thing.   Ask for help and understanding.   Your life is meaningful, and you deserve and need to find your own worth. It's possible if Bill Zeller had found this acceptance for himself, that he might not have been pushed to such a drastic measure. One of his friends talked about a disconnect from how he perceived himself to the way his friends perceived him. I suspect the support was closer than he realized.

Same author and another great post regarding how to spot a true apology. You know, the ones that don't say "why should I apologize when you won't talk to me" or the ones that don't include phrases like "bite me" or "shit happens"...   Ones who do not put conditions on you or put you to work to right their wrong doing. Never seen one of those from certain people that were in your life?   I am not surprised, I have only seen real apologies from people that I know really love me as well instead of the bastardized and narcissistic version of "their love".

Apologies

Seven Lucky or Unlucky? Hard to Say...

2011-01-26T16:12:00.001-05:00

So, for the first time in seven years, we had a year without the death of a beloved family member or friend.   That is a success for sure.

2011 is going well (and still the streak of no dying continues--course it's January). I did continue 1 week of doing my music, I have to get back to it.   Three dogs are being prepared for competition, and while it is not an acceptable excuse, it is all I got. In fact, I am going back to practice today.   In just seven days, the performance got better, but I really want to make something happen for Sweetie's (my husband) Valentine's day. I know he really misses my playing from the old days.   I am also trying to create a Valentine's card in addition.

I see that Spermy visited recently. Didn't leave a comment, and most likely didn't like what he had to read, oh well.  I am sure he still disagrees with my version of my life and feelings . He and his wife, in his mind, have been lovely, wonderful, fun, and loving people in their relationship to me. That is okay, good for him. Have a nice life, and bah bye. Why does he still come here?   Does he expect to be regaled with stories about all that "wonderfulness" that was his parenting style? HAH! I saw that he read my "Nitty and Gritty" page.

Yeah, yeah, I did not graduate from U Lowell in my music major, so of course, it was only natural for my father to be emotionally abusive (threaten physical abuse, and support the monster in her actual physical abuse) to his daughter.   Not to mention that I apologized, picked up the bill (when I could have left the loans to him as they were cosigned). Poor Spermy that this is all that his accident did wrong, you know besides become estranged.   And besides having moved in with her now husband to be sure this was the right "forever" relationship.   And besides not wanting the monster to sell my house.    And besides not wanting monster to sell my own house while my mother in law was dying. But you know:

"Join most of the human race. Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time."

Which interprets to, "Geesh, I could care less that your mother-in-law is dying. My evil monster of a wife finds it to be an insult that we can't sell YOUR home. So just buck it up buttercup.   There will be no *oh, whatever you need in your hour of grief* here, only our selfish desires. Cause afterall, you ARE the accident, and you did not graduate U Lowell, even as you foot the bill. So our abuse of you is perfectly reasonable and within our right."

Which I should really thank Spermy for, because I had under estimated what a selfish dickhead he really was (I mean I knew he was a dickhead, but the depths that he would go to for his own comfort were as yet unknown to me).   Er, yeah, so you see I am still improving LOL (if he is going to visit, he is going to be visited upon by my anger at his prickedness).   The "Nitty and Gritty" truth stings a bit, eh?   Course, I had good times beyond that, just ask Spermy.   I am not saying there may not have been a few, especially before I reached the third grade and started to develop my own take on the world, but I am saying that the bad (by far) out weighed the good. Unless normal people feel that being treated like a pawn in your donor's ongoing drama for most of your life equals "good times".

I so wish that I had acted out more.   My husband had plenty of good times (parties while they were away which ended in some furniture loss) at his house, and although his parents found out, they loved him even still.   He did not graduate from college, and you know what?   His parents still loved him, and made sure he knew it (that does not mean he did not get properly disciplined, but it does mean that they actually took care of him in a loving way).   Perhaps that is not the norm...   However, observation of other people who do not view their children as "accidents" or an extension of their hated ex, tell me differently. I could have at least gotten away with some real doosey's before I left to justify the donor's future treatment of me.

I have kept my goal of not visiting Eggy's blog. I have been able to let go better recently than I have in the past.  Although, even as I write this, just saying that gives me the itchy urge to type in the address, but I won't. It's like when you know that eating something gives you a short term high, but long term you don't feel as emotionally or physically good.   Yet you do it anyway, just for that short term satisfaction of "knowing".   It's not worth it though, and I have enjoyed not knowing. It doesn't mean that the morbid curiosity does not still exist, however. I was improving in the past, but the improvements continue.   The reality that I have all the info that I need on these subjects. Years and years of info and reality, I really don't need to know anymore.   Time to breathe deep and let it go.

Even beyond my thinking about the estrangement, I think that my communication improves on many levels in business and personal life.   I still find myself getting a little hot and sarcastic on occasion (NO NOT ME and not that this is any great fault) but am able to take a deep breath and reign it in (when it does not involve Spermy or Eggy invasions---and I unfotunately saw that Spermy also went to some of the blogs to the left as well).

We are all just imperfect players in the game of life, but we can always grow, enjoy, and reach out for all that life has to offer us.   I am thinking about someone going through a hard time right now, and you know what? Someday it will be over, and so don't give up just keep pushing ahead! Things that seem so important and upsetting one day, dwindle in their power over time, especially when they are really not all that important. My donor's they just do not amount to anything important in my life.

Sharing a Personal Goal

2011-01-01T12:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the freaky mask BTW, LOL...not sure I want to show my true face on this blog yet.

When I was in third grade, our elementary school had music lessons for individual students. I am not sure if this was required for all, or if parents got to choose to pay for them themselves. Fortunately, although I in no way wanted to play an instrument unless it was a violin (in May Street school, I admired another first grader who played the violin), I was forced into this. I think the flute was the cheapest one you could rent, and so that was the instrument picked for me. I detested it:)

In third grade, I had a music teacher that would stay with me most years including college. Her name is Iva Milch . Easily a teacher that I felt shaped me as a person, even if I did not make my musical goals. Iva pushed later on in High School. She made no bones about it if I did not practice. She knew, and I knew she knew. Best thing to do was to practice. It's the part of music that I never got used to, as I had no patience. Patience, I have learned in dog training, helps everyone and thing achieve goals and harmony. It turns out, patience is the thing that lacked most in my cooking. I wanted to go from A to Z right away.

The things she taught me then that I sometimes ignored, make me understand myself better today. Music and the flute ended up being a real gift. In High School, it allowed me to escape from my family and awkward social life.

Since I did not make it to the Boston Symphony myself, I got frustrated and stopped playing. Once you stop, it's hard to start again, as you are so far behind. That patience thing comes back into play, as you need to build your skills back up.

For a period of time in High School, I was quite good. I really needed to be at a more stable place in order to be as disciplined as needed. I also did not have perfect pitch or a good ear, so lots and lots of work would have been needed. I can play it seems somewhat naturally, but I am no savant.

What you hear above is probably not even at my third grade level ! But who cares, it's my starting point and I am just glad I remembered a few notes.

So my resolution this year is to start doing just that. In this video I have skipped ahead a little, never fear, I will need to be practicing my scales ET as well. Just thought I would start to see where I could bring this simple little piece. Was surprisingly difficult just to stay on beat!

This Year of 2010 Ending Well

2010-12-31T11:56:00.000-05:00

2010 brought us difficulties in the job world this year. The merger and acquisition challenges combined with the new company entering into an unfamiliar business during a recession kind of challenges. One might think that a sharp decline in income from corporate America would make this a bad year.

I'll tell you why (assuming this lasts until midnight) 2010 is a banner year. So far (knock on wood, and hoping not to jinx myself) we have had no deaths of participating and loved family members, friends, or our personal canines this year.   A client did loose his dog, Petey, who I have known since puppy hood this year.   That was very sad, but (again knock on wood) our current dogs remain alive and healthy.   To me that is a good year.   We have gone seven years in a row of loosing human and canine family member friends.   At least five of whom were in five different years but in the same month of December.

You can imagine why I get a little blue in December and expect that some horrible thing is going to happen.   As a matter of fact, I should have accompanied my husband to the grocery store just to keep a watch out.   Traditionally, we stay in on New Year's Eve because there are a record number of drunk or tired drivers out that night.

I did hear that the Monster got sick on Christmas Eve, and had to cancel the celebrations at her house.   My cousin picked it up instead (we did not get the notification personally).   I would like to share these comforting words that my father had to say about my mother in law dying and other difficulties he was unable to be a human being for:

"Join most of the human race. Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time."

Only I am not that cold hearted or selfish because an event is inferring with my self interest. I wish I were.   I was tempted to inquire that nothing was seriously wrong with the monster. It does figure into the realm of reason, knowing how she truly felt about preparing the Christmas Eve fest, that she simply did not want to do it and lied.   Course she is also morbidly obese with diabetes (supposedly or that was the excuse I was given for behavior), so she could be seriously ill. I do figure that she is such a martyr, she would have to be very ill in order not to "suffer through it".

However, the thought above is more thought than the monster deserves, and does not change what kind of a human being she has been or how Spermy has aided and abetted her in her mission(s). Or the fact that they take such horrible care of themselves. I'm just thankful that I am not as miserable as they are OR trapped in that particular marriage.

Karma, she is a bitch. That's two for two for Karma this year, as Eggy got someone stealing from her in cyber space as well and harassing her. Karma did just fine by me in 2010.   My more materialistic donors would think I had a horrible year though:) Hence, most likely, why they seem so miserable.

Snow, snow, snow and then some more snow

2010-12-27T09:52:00.000-05:00

We will be enjoying our first real snow storm today. I have six dogs to get out in the snow (that means we have four guest boarders). Our daycare may come along if his owner feels like braving the blizzard today.

I tried to complete a blog posting titled "Apologies, Acknowledgements, and Boundaries, Oh My!", but my mind is distracted by going out and having some fun!

That is a good thing:)

Be Aware What You Tape Over

2010-12-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

This is sort of a funny story.   Neither I nor my husband remember when or if this is what happened.   I have no recollection of Eggy sending me a tape in the beginning of our estrangement of her ranting.   I suspect this may be, because if I had received such a thing, I would not have listened to it. I further speculate that I probably would have thrown it in a draw with other tapes, with instructions to do with it as anyone would want.

My husband and his friends make tapes and discs for each other.   A few years ago, Robert put together a tape for our friend, Rich, of stuff that he liked and wanted to share.   Apparently, it was on a tape with Eggy ranting (at the end of it) for another 15 minutes LOL.

Our friend heard this, and was totally horrified by the behavior of this person on tape.   He called Robert up to find out who it might be that he was listening to. My husband had forgotten to tell me this, and on a day where I was feeling blue about my family, told me so I would know that others who have experienced Eggy think she's as horrible as I do.   Apparently she was listing off things as to why she did not need to respect me.   Our friends comment was "and this is a parent?".

I enjoyed the humorous story, and very glad that I never listened to the tape myself!

My Goals for Estrangement Remain the Same

2010-12-23T15:49:00.005-05:00

I did a pretty decent job this year keeping EFOO out of my head. Not perfect mind you, but the number of blog posts for the past three years tell a story. This year there were three main events that distracted me a bit:

My birthday where I found myself on the beach set up near Spermy and Monster.
November posting from Eggy where she tried to get my attention, and when she couldn't listed me as a suspect for cyber stealing from her (she took that post down quickly, after e-mail contact from me).
December or November when I got a third party inquiry as to when *I* was going to stop the estrangement. This was sent through a relative that I like a lot and has tried to have a relationship with me from one that has had zero relationship or discussion with me about it. Hey since they talk to HIM, why not ask him why he doesn't wish to have a relationship with HIS daughter and never has? Why when he has admitted doing things wrong *I* am supposed to make it alright and comfortable for him?

Anywhoo, those are the things that have distracted me this year. I think I would have gotten away with having only eight posts this year without them .

So at this point every year, I try and make goals for myself that I intend to keep. This would be related to other personal goals, but here are my goals in estrangement.

To continue to trust and believe that I did the right things for the right reasons OR (to put it another way) to stop having the need to review the evidence and torture myself with it. I know what I know, and it is what it is. I can't change them, it, me, the circumstances that brought me here.
Not visit my female donor's blog and hence eliminate the very likely possibility that she will try and lure me in by pissing me off (very much related to number one). Also ignore any other her postings of what she assumes my life is or was that are elsewhere
Work on my communication with those people that do love and care for me to the best of my ability. Try to be more open and reach out more than I do. I really try to cut out any third party contact and go to the source. I also try to let people know that I care about them, but I have a hard time putting myself out there or allowing people to get too close.
Enjoy everyday that I can.
Be more disciplined and consistent with things that I need to do (IE stop procrastinating and getting down when I do) so that I can stop stressing myself out (oh female donor would latch onto this in the old days).
Be thankful for what I have.
Let my creativity be something that I do on occasion.
Related to seven patience with learning new crafts, and patience with myself while I learn new things.
Find fun and active things to do as a family.

So there are my goals most related to healing from family estrangement or promoting the healing of estrangement from family.

December is Not Christmas Time Anymore

2010-12-22T14:12:00.004-05:00

Here we are in December, a month that I very much enjoyed as a child. Being an only child, I did actually get a lot of gifts on Christmas and during the family part on Christmas Eve. I loved the decorations, making up the tree, and most of all Gram's house. I don't think it's faulty or sentimental on my part to think those Christmas's and other holidays at Gram's house were filled with a little magic. Okay, maybe that is a little exaggeration there LOL. Those were the holidays that I loved, and they were gone many years before Gram finally succumbed to old age and all of it's problems.

I did go on celebrating Christmas with my little family. On the first of one of my dog's deaths, Neptune, on December 21st that magic started dwindling away. Since then this month (not year) has seen the loss of my Mother In Law, Mustache our cat, Jazz our first dog, and finally Jackie last year. These are by far the worst of estrangements. My grandfather passed away a couple of days after being too sick to spend Thanksgiving with us. I missed my last Christmas with my Granmother, because monster did not want her to come and then complain about going back to the assisted care facility. I should have just gone and spent Christmas with grandmother!! In my current frame of mind, the thought that I just could have done that did not even occur to me.

So while in general I enjoy holidays more because I don't have the past obligations to the estranged, I do not think the month of December will ever hold the joy for me that it once did.   I am okay with that, it's nice to remember my fallen friends and family who have been estranged through the event of death.   That is more important than a holiday made to commercialize everything:)

However, though these are joyful memories, they do make me a little blue, as my time with those friends and family members have passed.   December is filled with so many days of passed family and friends.   So it is important to get out and enjoy life in honor of those that have passed.

A lot of my pick me up comes from my husband and my dogs.   We have been watching the first season of Columbo on Netflix, and also whipping each other's ass in Playstation 3 fighting game.   I have continued to cook with my husband.   We have been having a lot of fun doing this.   I used to hate cooking as I had no instruction pre my marriage in the correct way of doing things, and so my meals turned out like crap.   I need A LOT of instruction just to get through the little things that go wrong, or what the consistency should look like, or what's the difference between this mixing and that mixing.   With instruction, go figure, we have had some excellent meals that we made together.

Yesterday, I started clearing out some skating paths in our wetlands out back, which have frozen over. Good work out, and kept the dogs out there for about four hours while I worked on it.   I think we all got good and frozen, and then took a nice long cuddly nap together.   No doubt some good exercise came from it too, as I am clearing the brush ET and that blocks the paths in the wetlands. It snowed yesterday, so now I have that to look forward to clearing.   I don't know if the rink will be done today, but it should be done by Christmas if I work diligently on it.

My In Law family is Jewish.   Traditionally, they have not done the big family thing around Hanukkah.   Although my family alternates it between my cousin's house and the sperm donor's house, I have wished more to see other family during times when I won't be around the sperm donor and the monster.   Also it seems that side of the family thinks if we see each other, we will run straight into each other's arms. Now spermy might put on a good show for the family, but I have seen him outside the family and did not feel an out pouring of love and good wishes from him. I also saw him a long time ago at a family event, where the monster spent her time coming up to any family member that I was trying to talk to and getting in between us to try to prevent it (she is an utter peach that way).   I just don't need that kind of drama and selfishness around me.   Not even because it's the holiday, it's because life is too short for me to have to deal with that.

If family does not make other times available to see me when we are not even a mile away from each other, then clearly they have no interest in me.   As such, they are hardly family in any sense of the word besides biology. That does not mean I hold hard feelings towards them, I don't.   But why would I be putting myself out there in an uncomfortable situation with people that I barely saw once a year previously? To me, that is not family.

There is one to three relatives that tried to have any sort of forward/future relationship with me in any active way:)

This Point in My Estrangement

2010-12-05T09:51:00.001-05:00

I love these days where the donors are not in my head.   When I wonder if I should write something in my blog, but have nothing more to say about it really.

I never before this year had found the wealth of other blogs out there about people dealing with narcissistic or sociopath parents before (or psychopathic for that matter).   I wish I had these resources when I was first struggling to come to terms with what exactly was wrong.   I do hate labelling people,but the definitions in these cases point to something that many other people experience. It is comforting to know you are not alone, and to read with how others dealt with it (whether estranged or still struggling through the relationship).

It helps explain a lot to you how the very people that made you don't love you, or look at you just as a resource or possession.   Realizing it is not you, that you are not inherently unlovable, unworthy of respect, or unworthy of kindness and empathy, it gives you the solice and courage to move on from that point and to grow.

I am happy to see so many more voices out there sharing their experiences.   I am still learning things about estrangement and dealing with it through these blogs.   If you are in this situation, please visit the blogs to the left, and know you are far from alone.

I have provided summary pages on my experience.   Unless direct or indirect contact happens, I probably will continue with rare informational writings.   I am pretty happy where I have found myself and where my life is at.

Been There Done That EFOO Communication During The Holidays

2010-11-27T13:47:00.000-05:00

I should first of all say, this comes from the point of view of someone who honestly felt they needed to cease a relationship(s) for their own well being.   So that would make me the "estranger".   Although I sometimes wonder with the actions taken by my EFOO if I am not really the estrangee, as I sometimes feel I was forced into taking the only option.   There was never any real attempt to mend fences with me or acknowledge boundaries, quite the opposite as a matter of fact.   In any case, I am the estranger of this story.   I am certain that holiday communications might effect other individuals differently, and possibly more likely affect the estrangee differently.

Mostly in the current day, the main contact that I might have is to see one or the other on my sitemeter tracker. The exception being this year at the beginning of the month, Eggy tried and succeeded in getting my attention with a series of blog posts.   It was well before the Thankful day, however, and so it did not impact my enjoyment of the holiday so much.

Very early on in the estrangement with Eggy, about the only time I would get contact was around those holidays.   It was not pleasant even if it was just a card.   It made no sense that there was silence all the rest of the days, but *BAM* on the holidays there it was.   Why not wish me well on a day that was not my birthday, or Xmas, or Halloween, or Thanksgiving?   I concede and thought that it wasn't meant to hurt at the time, but it did.   I preferred not to hear from her on the holidays or my birthday when we were estranged. In fact, due to the fact that the last straw was her insatiable need for the correctly appropriate present to her status as "Glorified Eggy" it was a real sore spot to hear from her.

With Spermy, I had initially agreed to keep the lines of communication open. In that spirit, I wrote an e-mail around Thanksgiving to keep him in the loop, an e-mail when we moved with our contact info, and a card at Christmas.   I had asked for limited contact as I had concentrated on "our relationship" and doing it as he wanted for 18 years, and now I needed to concentrate on unpacking and setting up my business here.   His excuses for the monster and both of their actions were not high on my list to spend time on.   One would think he would have understood, as I got this excuse from him all the time, and not in a pleasant and reasonable way.   However, he took umbrage, and did not return the greetings. He never explained when HE wanted to keep the communication open, why HE didn't at least acknowledge receipt of the Thanksgiving e-mail.   Then he ripped up the card because the monster's name was not on it at Xmas (it's all about appearances folks, not reality in my family, even when it's apparently well known that I would not wish that troll a happy anything).   I am guessing that he did not want contact during the holidays .   I was relieved about that, as I no longer had to dutifully keep the lines of communication open in my mind.   He said it as usual just for show, that he was being a good Spermy.   Yeah, right.   His actions sent me the right message which his vocal cords and fingers were no longer equipped to do.

It does upset me when I see he's been on my page around the holidays. Also, he knows where my other blogs are, so it's not to be sure that I am doing alright in life, as he claims.   He is just so filled up with BS. Although recently a relative claimed he said nothing to them about the estrangement, I know that they were lying. How? Because his twisted and intentional mis-"understanding" of his reasons were reiterated to me on a 50th anniversary by a cousin in law who had never met me before!!   How odd that she would think it was his racial slurs (which are not the reason, and yet don't make him all that appealing to me) were the reason for our estrangement or his hatred of females.   So that is such bullshit that he is not trying to make excuses for why his only off springs does not want to engage with him, and why he flips out when he reads the real and known reasons on my blog.   Imagine if someone else saw that, who he knows and those things were not mentioned by him!!

Not that he needs to worry, his siblings were all drilled to death that their parents were always right no matter what. I often wondered what would have happened to me if physical or sexual abuse was going on, as I have little doubt that this would have been justified and looked over somehow. So the fact that my donors emotionally and verbally assault me in adulthood and don't respect boundaries is of no concern to them.   What they might want to consider, however, is that THEY actually did have loving parents.   They are so appearance driven though, I am sure that they think that is only a word and not an action.

So, I got a little off the path there, no I do not like to hear from my EFOO during the holidays. I think they no longer like to hear from me either, and that is fine.   It took so long to get here.    This is why when well meaning family asks "but what about later on, won't you regret...."   I have been through deaths of loved ones. I don't want my time wasted on people who are fake and unloving towards me.   I want to be there for the ones that are.   When my donors die, I am sure that I will grieve for what I did not have as a family unit.   The fact that they are dying or dead will not change what was or what would have ultimately been.   To relive that story again would not only be painful beyond belief to me, but personally damaging to me as well.   I did not take care of myself before because I couldn't.   I was too young, naive, and believing that a word was a representation of the act.   I also did not have the communication skills to stand up for and protect myself.   I do have those things now, and I won't waste them.

For me a great gift on the holidays is not hearing from them at all.   Spermy and I reside in the same place parts of the year, so seeing him does not even upset me.   It's just lovely not hearing from him, and his constant put downs included even in his fake apologies LOL.

Sorry which reminds me another thing that well meaning family members seem to ask if I don't mind tarnishing "his legacy". Isn't a legacy something you earn and make on your own through hard work?   No, I am not responsible for "his legacy", he is.

Thanksgiving !!

2010-11-25T10:26:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for sleeping in this morning (clearly). I am thankful for my husband who has started Thanksgiving dinner, and is waiting for me to come down and cook with him. I thankful for warm cinnamon buns and coffee. I am thankful for Leon and Boris who keep it warm under the covers. I am thankful that the wind gusts are gone so that I can walk the dogs (including Lola, Gus, Buddy, Jake, and Tommy) in the woods without being too worried that a tree will fall on me or a dog.

I am thankful for the yummy food that I am going to eat and help prepare shortly. And again, mostly thankful that everyone and everything that I care about is alive today:)

15th Year Anniversary

2010-11-19T06:00:00.054-05:00

It's not the actual day or anything of the estrangement. That was a few months back or forward in the year of 1995, and I didn't realize it was the start of something in my life. I also didn't realize that saying "no, my most important priority is NOT making sure you get exactly what you want on your birthday via a list that you send to me of approved items". It was not like Eggy didn't get birthday presents, she did....she just decided to inform me that she didn't like any of my presents. She decided to inform me of this, and then make demands after we received a package for my husband's April birthday in September or October.   You know that old baseball glove that we had just been pining for all year (eyes roll---cause the husband liked to watch sports, and wouldn't already have his own baseball glove).

She claims later to not have known what was going on (as far as my husband's surgery was going).   I know she did, I sometimes managed to get a word in edgewise between the "memememe and then there was mememeememe and then IIIIII".   Also, I really could have given a crap whether she knew or not. WTF!!   What kind of person does this?   I seriously came out of that?   Come on, there must be some mistake.   (there is an uncanny physical resemblance that makes the "switched at birth" theory seem unlikely...)

I received this request just as my husband was about to go into surgery to get six inches on his colon taken out. I wonder if the timing wasn't such that I was working sixty hours a week, my husband was about to have major surgery, and the bizarre timing of a gift so she could get a gift....would I have just given in like the good little mouse of a daughter that I had been? Would I have just rolled over? I like to think I wouldn't have, but I might have to be perfectly honest. I was just fed up at the time, it was the very final last straw in the millions of straws received.

A gift, a fucking gift, that is what was worrying this woman? How about no fucking gift, how about that? How about you buy yourself things you like, and I buy myself things I like? Despite my mothers fictional stories about rushing to my rescue with a bike that I needed (hahaha), I could afford things. I wasn't asking for anything, and did not ask for the bike or anything else she gave me. I didn't type out lists of what I wanted every year. Isn't that for children to do for Christmas? Weren't we adults now? I was at least. I didn't want anyone stressing out that they may not have gotten me exactly what I wanted every year, and guess frigging what, I didn't get exactly what I wanted BUT I APPRECIATED THE THOUGHT THAT WENT INTO MY GIFTS. What a ingenuous holiday concept! Now unfortunately, I have recently found out exactly what those thoughts were, and I WISH WISH I had known that then.   I would have in exact detail which orifice to shove her "gifts".

She wanted this to improve "our relationship".   As Dr Phil would say "how did that work for you?'   Because spending time with someone, listening to someone, supporting someone emotionally, and not spending every conversation talking endlessly about one's self could not possibly be a way to improve a relationship. Crazy talk!

All that though, that's old news.   Fifteen year old news, Eggy hadn't finished yet. After all, she was denied what she wanted. I dared to utter that one word "no". Here we are 15 years later, and the ~~bitch~~ female donor still tried to solicit my attention by committing outright libel when two previous other posts failed to reel me in.   The accusation of cyber theft did manage to get my attention unfortunately and divert my attention from trying to enjoy perhaps one holiday in which I do not have to grieve anything or anyone. But the ~~cunt~~ female donor needed to be the center yet again.   If I had just thought to think that not only was this the holidays but also ~~her birthday month~~ my 15th independence day, I would have been so much more prepared to just ignore the ~~twat~~ female donor.

Meanwhile the thought my Eggy put into my presents was her imaginings of what a loser life I was leading. I guess I could only aspire to be where she was at that same age, in a loveless marriage, being miserable teaching, and having her husband dictate for her what she could and could not do. I am guessing Eggy might have been just the least bit jealous, and wanted her payment for the life she missed.....due to "the accident". Well, here it is honey, here is your payment.   Happy Anniversary to ME!!!   FUCK OFF TO YOU!

Eggy is MOST Thankful for Herself

2010-11-18T13:14:00.000-05:00

You will so to your left a blog called "Suburban Black Sheep".   They have great postings on there that they call "Notes from the N-Playground".   I am totally running away with the idea for myself, solely because I have a great one to share.   This was posted the day after Eggy both put up a blog that implied I was cyber stealing from her starting in 2009, and subsequently took it down when I told her I could contact the Lancaster PA Police and FBI to look into that for her, while explaining libel and the consequences of committing libel on purpose like. Here is what female donor, Eggy, posted:

I was looking for something to make me laugh: Don't passive-aggressive smile-face me! http://tinyurl.com/acqpq9

Oh, SHE needed some cheering up after posting falsehoods (which basically were the call to her egg to (PAY ATTENTION TO ME, WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT ME, PAY ATTENTION TO ME, I DON'T THINK I HAVE HURT YOU ENOUGH LATELY). Poor widdle baby girl, got awl in twouble like, and now she needs some cheewing up. Well at least I was suspect five in back of four other possible people that are pissed off and hating her. Wonder if it's her creepy admirer from last year that was posting on her birthday video?

Aw look, she's just ~~satan~~ a little old lady.   I wonder if ~~she is bopping this guy~~ her admirer is someone else that got screwed (literally or figuratively, you choose). How surprising to see a video quite literally all about her on her birthday!   Wonder what she will be thankful for this year?

EGGY:   I am thankful for me.   Then I am thankful for myself.   Then my art is thankful for me.   My photos, they are also thankful for me.   The birds, trees, and flowers all say thanks to me! And Jimmy, can you let us know how thankful you are for me too?

JIMMY:     Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, what er huh?   Oh yeah yeah, thanks for you. So thankful ~~that I have gun under the bed should life go on just a little bit longer.~~   Yeah, that's right, thanks for you hon.   No, no I am listening, you just go on talking about yourself ~~bitch~~ sweetheart.

The Month of Thanks-Will Be Most Thankful For

2010-11-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to start on a downer OR to jinx myself, but I am MOST thankful that no one has died this year. We did have a customer's dog, Petey, who I have known from puppy hood that left us this year. However, that is bound to happen especially as I am entering a decade in the business.

so far our loved family members and our beloved pets remain healthy and happy. This will be a truly magical year if we can make it to the end. We have had a personal major deaths for the last seven years. We actually thought last year we were going to be spared, but our dog, Jackie CD, died on the morning of Christmas.

By the way, the majority of these deaths have occurred in November or December, so I am not the holiday freak that I used to be. What I want for Christmas is for everyone and thing that I love to be alive not only this year, of course, but for as long as it is physically possible for them to be.

Uh, honey, where are you going with that ladder, extension cord, and chain saw?

Three Things...

2010-11-12T19:11:00.000-05:00

Apparently of the 18 posts I have done this year, November has 12 posts in it (Yipes, I really let the female donor get to me, as well as the indirect message from a relative).
If you look to the left, you will see some bloggers that I have been following, and have discovered some others there through following. Each has a different and unique story that is helpful and thought provoking. An estrangee or enstranger may find some real helpful insight there. Not all of these bloggers are estranged by the way, but detailing the angst that can go on in dysfunctional families.
As these blogs grow, the story changes into something else. It is not always easy to glean the pertinent points of the story or root causes. So I have included one summary page, and one more detailed page that goes over the main points of my story.

I am hoping for no further diversions that will cause an Italian style erruption on my part. Dealing with these feelings again have been exhausting. I have managed to spend a whole day not paying attention to the female donor's blog OR anything she may have posted in reply. It's time to let go, and I am going to give it one more try.

If you don't hear from me until after the holidays, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! Try to enjoy and don't let the jerks get you down.

Humor and All It Hides

2010-11-12T11:24:00.000-05:00

I did something big yesterday.   I mean big for me.   Communication is not something that happened normally or easily in my family.   In fact, I got the shock of my life in college once when a close friend says "you know you only call when you need something".   I was not where I am today to understand where that came from, but I realized it to be the truth. I did not know why.   I understand now that the attention that I got from my donors was when they needed something. Not just a hello or how are you doing?   So when I wanted to see my friends, I actually manufactured up stuff I needed to get their attention. Way too deep for a 19 year old to understand, but I did change the way I communicated with my friends thereafter.

Poor things though, I "cooked" for them as an excuse to get them over.   They MUST HAVE been very good friends then. Hahahaha. As a belated apology, I had no idea how bad my cooking was then.   I was eating soup out of cans cold, so my standards were not very high at the time. I used to get anchovies on my pepperoni pizza just so I would have food left over the next day:) Yet, they smiled, talked, and thanked me at the end of the meal.   Never did they let on that what they may have been eating was garbage:)

The point is that my learned pattern of communication is something that I never recognized as being a problem.   It is a problem that I have sought to solve, but it hasn't been easy.   It involves putting oneself out there to people, who do not make them feel either safe or loved.

So when I got a circularly distributed message sent to me, I licked my wounds for a bit.   Then yesterday it came to me, why not just take out the third party?   They have a phone, I have a phone.   Sure enough, the two lines connected, and I had a calm discussion with someone about their being able to talk directly to me if they have something to say.

It was very weird talking to a relative that has not once talked to me in four years (not either of my donors by the way).   It is actually fine that they don't, we don't have any kind of "real" relationship.   I used to spend time letting them know to come over, and then I just realized they had no interest in doing that.   So why was I spending my time worrying about that?   These are people in good times that I saw once or at the most twice a year!! We had no more than the most superficial of conversations every year. We can all ignore the truth and cling to tradition, but why?   What is the point exactly?   Why must I dance for their approval, and seek out their interest? I have done the obligation thing, and it is no fun to dance with oneself, let me tell you.

Why not just be real?   I mean not so real where you are like, when are you going to get rid of the wart with three colored hairs growing out of it real? Plus that would be a really superficial thing to comment on, but I think my point is clear.   Here is my reality, there is more to being a family then sharing DNA.   I think that they think I sit at home alone pining for contact of any sort LOL. It would never occur to them that I do in fact have a family, it just does not happen to include them.   It includes other people who I did not grow up with, and that is okay.   I am fine with it. I am in a good place.

My relative said a very weird thing "we are all happy for the things that you have". You don't have to look far to know that I am not about material things as a basis for my happiness.   Yes, I have house near the ocean with a good amount of land for my dogs to run on.   It also is a house that supports my business and my husband's job and headquarters.   We don't love the place because someone might think it's impressive, we love it because of what it affords us to do with our lives.   I adore the woods, and I own some of it.   The dogs love the woods too.   Our cars are both over 10 years old.   Our furniture is all used except for two pieces I believe. Most of it given down to us by Robert's side of the family from their pre-deceased relatives.

Then there was the "what if our daughter didn't talk to us"?   Is that, like, within my power?   I guess I am a bad influence on my cousin, and I didn't realize how MY situation was directly impacting my relative. It's interesting that they picked the female off spring, as this relative had a very bitter relationship with their female parent. I would rather have no relationship based on being honest, then a false and bitter relationship based on repressed loathing through my whole life.   That's just me though.   And if it the truth comes out, and both parties can be honest and move on, it just might happen that a real relationship springs out of it.

This is very doubtful in my case just so you know.   I have no regrets about my decision and except for an occasional blip that is hurtful, I am very much at peace with this decision. Does it make me cry or blue sometimes, well yeah sure?   Last time I checked I was made out of flesh and blood.

So now I go through all that, and see that my title of the post was "Humor and All It Hides".   I am not easily distracted, no really, I am not.   In talking to the relative, I of course made several jokes, that they clearly were not getting.   Like in saying "what if our daughter didn't talk to us", I said "why do you think we didn't have kids? I didn't want to mess up as much as my (parents is what was said) donors did."   It's hard not to put up that screen to deflect away the hurt that you have at someone.   They are so worried about Spermy. Spermy is an adult with 20 years on me.   I am know that he has made (and continues to make) those choices that effect the rest of his life.   I do believe he is not insane, and therefore entitled to continue making those choices as an adult.   It's as if I am the only one in this estrangement that is holding back.

And the beat goes on.

The Post Office and Angel Stamps

2010-11-10T13:42:00.005-05:00

The yellow slip in my box told me that a package was waiting. The usual quarterly deliver of our medicines that scream "you are no longer 19 years old!" The reminder is brings up memories of my Grandmother's pillbox in some very disturbing ways.

As it happened, an elderly lady had made it to the postage desk before me. She is very cute in her track suit, and the cash in her wallet that she probably takes out monthly from the bank for groceries and such, just like my Grandmother did. Her list of tasks is well organized, and she scans the post stamp selection. "Cats and dogs like last time" asks the Postman. She takes off her glasses and peers closer, "What is this one then?". The Postman answers "That is an Angel with her lute".

She peers closer, and I can tell she is not sure whether to believe him or not. "I'll take those she says". I smile warmly at her as she comes back. "Postage stamps are so ugly these days" the lady says smiling back. As the Postman walks away she asks "Is that an Angel?" I look closely for her, truth to tell my eyes aren't what they once were either, and I say "Yes, and very appropriate for these holidays coming up."

The lady winks at me and says "Everyone needs an Angel this year. People are going through tough times".

This will give me a warm feeling throughout the day. I should have hugged her, or asked if SHE needed anything. I was too touched by the sentiment to think clearly at the time.

Is There a Difference Between a Sociopath and a Narcissist

2010-11-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

Often I wonder if there is a difference between someone who is a sociopath and someone who is a narcissist. I did a piece once on the difference between bullying and a control freak, because there seemed to be an overlap in that area as well. Sometimes it is best to go to the actual definitions to eek out the differences between some of our similar yet different meanings.

Here is some interesting sources of information on the qualities of a sociopath:

Profile of a Sociopath

Dictionary.com definition

How to Spot Mr. or Mrs Cold or Charming

Here are some interesting sources of information on the qualities of a narcissist:

Profile of a Narcissist

Definition of Narcissist

How to Spot a Narcissist

Here are some interesting sources that talk about the differences between a sociopath and a naricissist:

The Sheep and The Wolf

Discussion on the Difference Between a Narcissist and Sociopath

Narcissist or Sociopath, What is the Difference?

Basically, it seems that in order to exist, the Narcissist needs YOU (or their victim) to validate their special rarified existence.

To a Sociopath, YOU (or their victim) are but a plaything, and a means to an end.

The Holidays-Gobble Gobble??

2010-11-10T09:52:00.000-05:00

I know that the holidays are a time of confusion, stress, and loneliness for many estranged during the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are no longer my favorite holidays, but NOT as one would think because of the estrangements. In fact, once I was no longer getting tense, irritable, and waiting for it to be over...without truly understanding why or investigating it too deeply, holidays became not traditional but enjoyable again.

Unfortunately, we have suffered some very personal losses around the months of November and December. Thanksgiving has become the time where I celebrate my Italian grandparents or think about them a lot. Their holidays were always fun and loving events. I have even been learning (with my husband) to cook somethings that bring back those wonderful and warm memories. Sweet potato pie with plenty of large fluffy marshmallows on top, for instance, is a must on Thanksgiving. My grandfather passed away a few days after our last Thanksgiving, and that is why I usually spend the day thinking about the both of them. My grandmother lived a good while longer, but as one might imagine there was sadness there between only having one of eight siblings still alive and the death of her long time and much beloved husband.

I always kid that I missed the cooking gene that my grandmother had in abundance, and think I should have been paying attention when she was sewing, cooking, knitting, and crocheting. She loved cooking for me, and so didn't ask me to help that much. I wish I had insisted on being involved and paying attention at the time. My husband obviously paid attention when his mother was making their dinners in the kitchen, and it shows!! So part of honoring my grandparents has been enjoying cooking with my husband and beginning to learn just a little bit about what goes into it.

I have never really had a problem with baking, and that is most likely because it is very much about measuring exactly. I understand the exacting directions of baking.

Our "traditional" Thanksgiving has become preparing dinner and taking the dogs for a walk on the beach. I am sure football makes it's way in there as well.

Unless I am in a room full of people that I like and know (as opposed to being in a room full of people that I see exactly twice a year, as in the past---this actually used to include my sperm donor--our total annual conversation could probably be less than two hours and about 5 to 15 minutes on the holidays) is so much more enjoyable. Thanksgiving does not happen to be a day that this syncs due to my business, and we often have lots of canine guests. I enjoy our Thanksgivings. It is a day of thanks for me for knowing the love of my Italian grandparents, and for those other family members that selflessly (and without an agenda of theirs or someone else) reach out to me.

I am also extremely thankful for my husband and my great dogs. I am thankful that I do what I want for a living and not what others expected of me or wanted to inflict onto me. I am thankful to have a roof over my head and food in my mouth (and my dog's mouths) during this hard economy. I am thankful to be free of a prior life that was damaging to me, and to instead embrace all the wealth of love that I have now.

Not everyone has this reaction or experience. After all, their estrangements are likely quite different than mine. So keep in mind those family members that may be suffering with divorce, estrangement, empty nest syndrome, or can't get around to the places they used to like they once did. (this is a suggestion to the general and non estranged public) For the estranged having a problem, give yourself a break. We can't always turn on the "happy" button. If you can enjoy the day, do. If it is a source of stress and grief for you, I would advise that you allow that to come out at least once on a holiday. Everyone grieves differently. I have found that embracing it on occasion can let go the "time release" of the pain. If I let it have the day or the week, then I seem to heal faster.

Everyone is different though. As close as my husband and I are, we have very different grieving styles. So be aware of that when watching others go through their times of pain, and try to be empathetic to this.

Just one more thing, there does not have to be "assigned" days to spend with your family. We have spent time with our family on other days, and had great times and memories. A lot of times, they make us feel like we are on vacation even when we are still working during the day, just by spending some hours at the beach boogey boarding or touring the town with us. Holidays are really just big marketing schemes to secure some big shopping days, if you think about it logically.

NOTE: That is if you are not religious, and then their are other meanings in the holidays. I happen to be agnostic, so there is no deep meaning in those days other than happy memories raiding the stockings at my grandmothers house with my cousins!!

NOTE2: This can also be a time of hurtful contact. This can come in the form of a direct letter, e-mail, or more subtle passive aggressive behavior of spreading lies, untruths, and paranoid fantasy's about a you that simply does not exist! If this person is not someone who truly loves you and has your well being at heart, please see it for what it is, a cry for attention or another attempt to harm you. Sometimes it feels good to react, and I am not going to suggest that anyone not indulge in that on occasion. Just be aware, this is what this unkind person wants...desperately...and not so they can hug and embrace you later on OR so that any boundaries will be adhered to in the future. At some point, after years of paying attention, you will hopefully know the difference, move on, and just be sad for them.

Be aware, that when you ignore them, things tend to spin out of control. As in my previous article on narcissists, the very worst thing you can do to them is to ignore them, because they cease to exist without the mirror reflecting back at them. At least if you respond, they can say you are unwell, crazy, and sick. Usually that really is their reflection, and has nothing to do with you.

At the point where you have become complacent that they might feel bad about lies that they have spread about you, is exactly the time you will find that the will to stop hurting you has again ended. What they hopefully don't fully understand (this comes with time), is that you are so oooovvvvveeerrr it:) They should also be careful if it can be proven that they are lying, that written libel does not need proof of damage (use it, that usually shuts their traps up fast, if you care enough to shut them up).

Well a once in a year and a half, not too bad progress

2010-11-10T09:28:00.004-05:00

In training dogs, I talk a lot to my clients on progress. One should measure progress, track progress, and most of all know to recognize and acknowledge progress.

Sometimes we all fall back, but we should pat ourselves on the back for the challenges we have already conquered. Instead we often put ourselves down for being human. I don't congratulate myself a lot. I am not a boaster of accomplishments. I don't insist that others recognize my accomplishments even if I think they are pretty cool (except in the signature of my business cause that is part of marketing, which I am pretty poor at).

Reading my posts, I give myself the same titles (dumb, pathetic) that I have given my Donors. Once in a while I should give myself a little chuck under the chin, and say "well good job and all, buddy."

So Eggy pulled me in after not being successful for the last year and a half. The attempt to publicly accuse me of a crime, that I know she knows I wouldn't do and strongly suspect was made up in the series of posts (to pull me out of the wood work), did manage to get my very public attention (also an offer to call the Lancaster PA Police or FBI for her). Since then, Eggy wisely took down that post.

I am happy that I don't feel that same need for attention or acceptance from her. I am done, and have been done for 10 or 9 years now. It was stupid to allow her to pull me in with her fiction, and the attempt is pretty obvious. But hey, going without reacting for a year and a half is a pretty stellar accomplishment. People quitting cigarettes don't have it that easy.

It's been since 5/2009 that I have allowed either Donor to annoy me. Except for the post about sharing the beach with Spermy on my birthday this year, I don't think I have directly mentioned my family members.

I remember when these circumstances upset me daily, weekly, and sometimes took chunks of time (weekly) to settle down from them. This time I lasted a year and a half (I wasn't angry with anyone on my birthday post, just talking about having to explain to other family).

So good job. Way to go! It gets better and easier truly it does. I am not kidding when I do say I feel truly grateful that the Egg can not help but post publicly about how she feels about me online. It's a gift to be guilt free about that. Other people have to keep guessing at their donor's intentions, as their thoughts have not been typed out neatly for them. In looking forward to Thanksgiving, I will give thanks that it is very transparent and obvious for me.

Good job to me. When this journey began, I don't think I could have seen the day when this would not have been a constant annoyance to me:) Now off to my day of beach walking, dog training, dog walking, and enjoyment of the company of my husband. I have a pretty magical life, even when things aren't going totally my way:) Karma seems to largely like me.

Hershey Bars and the man that Was Grampa

2010-11-09T10:39:00.008-05:00

This will be the last unhappy family story for awhile. It just occurred to me not to long ago (yeah that is how dumb I am, seriously), and this seems an appropriate time to blog about it. With the present and donor connection and all, and what "gifts" can actually mean with my particular donor units.

I had a grandfather on my Egg Donor side. He lived in an apartment, which her rarely left, and drank gambled and smoked cigars all day long. Occasionally he would call up, and if he got me on the phone would detail how he would go about killing himself if Eggy didn't call him back. Yeah, no steps were taken to protect me from this, as Eggy's parents had hurt her much more. So this was my slack to attend to. Spermy didn't think about it one way or the other, I don't think, except possibly how it affected him. Stellar parenting skills my donors had. Which would be forgivable if there were any redeeming qualities about Spermy and Eggy. It was later on brought to my attention, why Eggy did not ever attempt to protect me. I had just assumed that Eggy didn't catch on. Book wise Eggy might have some brains, but common sense wise...or empathy wise.....give me a break. I am lucky I didn't end up as "well attended" to as her beloved cats or our dog Major that made it a whole two years with them...by the way Spermy still allows his dogs to wander off lead and more have gone the way of Major...not to mention the abandoned cats left in the house to fair for themselves when Spermy moved out to enjoy the Monsters company.

Anyway, I was sure because of one thing that Eggy's donor must care about me. It was the Hershey bar packages that he would give me during the holiday visits. It always puzzled me why they smelled like they were marinated in cigars, especially since they came from the refrigerator. So this "man" gives me chocolate---deep down in there he must care about me.

To his credit, at least he wasn't expecting payment for "the gifts" as my donors expected returns (above and beyond reciprocal gifts by the way). It didn't even dawn on me later on, as Eggy tasked us with the clean out and close out of his apartment (I can not describe how totally disgusting this was, and how great my husband and his family were to help out. It was so disgusting, that I wanted nothing to do with what---when cleaned up---was probably some very nice bedroom furniture). There we found stacks and stacks of Hershey bar boxes, just basically warehoused in his apartment (they were thrown away, I mean they must have been their forever....they smelled lack they were marinated in cigars....)

Years later, thinking about presents and what those mean in my "delightful family", it dawned on me. These were tossed at me from a stack as one might give a friendly puppy when one does not want those attentions. Suddenly why this was the one sign of affection made sense, it soooo was not a sign of affection.

Those things hurt later on, even if the person was not worthy of you. You tend to blame yourself for being unlovable.

My Italian grandparents, who no doubt did love me, once gave me a dollhouse. My donors wanted to make an example (because I had another dollhouse), and it would be greedy of me to have to. They were great at giving out these painful lessons, Gosh forbid that I would have two dollhouses. They did not understand (nor did they have the capacity too) that I wanted that dollhouse because my grandparents gave it to me. I did make the wrong choice and kept the other dollhouse that I had since very little to appease the donors. Plus they thought it would be a great collectible later on (as they stored it in the mice infested attic when I grew up). It's okay that the dollhouse is gone, but it is staggering to me that the donors never understood that it was never the material things (that they so worship) that were important to me. It was the one thing that I could never get from them....love, compassion, and empathy.

And I certainly am not looking for it now LOL. Well, at least not from Spermy, Eggy or Monster:) I am provided with what I need from other people who are far better.

On a different note, indirect inquiry from a relative

2010-11-09T10:02:00.008-05:00

A relative that makes no attempt to have any sort of relationship with me, sent a message through his offspring (who does) asking this person to talk to me about ending the estrangement with my Sperm Donor.

We were having a nice dinner, and meeting a possible new addition to the family. I think I handled it well. I explained again, that I appreciate that Donor has not contacted me (well since the last inappropriate contact on my blog trying to shame me about college---which he didn't even pay for and which I apologized for more than 20 years ago---sigh) as has been requested by ME. That is unless some very specific changes come about, which includes respecting my boundaries and being to acknowledge my boundaries and that they exist. I believe I said "without a personality transplant, that is unlikely to happen";)

I am not hoping for that by the way. Some of it's funny, some of it's ugly, some of it's painful but I have done a lot of work on myself in the past five years. I have been able to acknowledge who my donors are, and why they do not work in my life. I have been able to face that they do not love or define love in the same way I do, and therefore, per my definition they never loved me. In fact, they seem to feed off hating me and abusing me (verbally and emotionally, and with the Sperm with the threat of hurling a heavy wooden chair at me, before smashing it on the ground, and with the step monster, slapping me out of a sound sleep one day when she didn't realize that Spermy was the one that was supposed to load the dishwasher). It's been all fun and games for them, as I spin and repress and try to make the best out of pleasing them.

That is not my life any more, and I thrive with that. I don't want to go back to that. I have done the work to get over any pathetic need for acceptance from them. I have looked at them, as I would never look at someone I loved, and found their characters and actions wanting. I would say that they had some balls to find so much about me to criticize considering their own white trash lives (and Spermy's penchant for hating women, using the S and N words and seeing nothing wrong with that while not in public---oh and hatred of alternative lifestyles) leave much to be desired.

Glass houses and stones and all of that... And as an excuse for deliberate abuse and hurt, well I don't accept it nor the "shit happens" and "people die so what" in regards to my mother in law. Nice loving empathetic people I come from. But you know, they didn't sexually abuse me and only let other people physically abuse me (or Spermy did anyway). Yeah, don't hold your breath my disinterested relative until you need to stick your big nose indirectly into my business, for the reconciliation. I have reconciled to never have that bastard in my life again, and I have embraced that as a very very good thing:)

I should say this November, that I am thankful that Spermy has kept to himself, and does not regularly post public falsehoods about me. However, I can appreciate that and not want the loser in my life. He has done enough to me, I have put up enough. And as I explained to him when he accused me of being a victim now, I said "nope, I was a victim them until I cut two particular parasites out of my life. now I am happy and usually healthy and not angry." Just keep the fuck away from me including the indirect messages to me, and blog posts about twenty years ago.

My obligations and duties (and payback) have been fulfilled long ago. 39 years work, 18 years of doing things Spermy's way against my better instincts. I am done, I have nothing left to give the donors of myself. That is reserved for people who are deserving and loving, even if they aren't perfect.

And to Spermy "just cause you don't live in a trailer, does not mean you aren't 100% white trash in my book".

Dear Karma

2010-11-09T09:03:00.006-05:00

Please give this lady the swift kick in the ass every time she does something nasty. It appears that you have been doing your job. While I personally don't like to hurt people or want them in pain, if they are doing this to others, dear Karma, they need a lesson more severe than I can personally or even want to dole out to them. I am glad that you are out there, Karma to take care of that little chore for me.

Please keep doing this until she becomes a better person. I know that the reality of this happening is far fetched, but I believe it's the most possible when you are smacking her upside the head. If she never becomes a better person, please be sure, Karma, to hold her hand in her last moments.

Karma, also thank you for reminding me of what a foul human being she is, by letting me see the foul lies that she still insists on putting up on the Internet. It's not only the lies, but the things she says like "I realized I couldn't work in a gas station for the rest of my life".

Reality check here, I took a conscious two years off from college to find myself while WORKING two jobs (much like she did as a waitress when she was knocked up, before sponging off the city for a degree she never ended up using or enabled her to keep any job for awhile--see I can spin a loser story too, except mine is the reality). Some donors (or when not associated with the likes of mine----parents) would find this something to be proud of. I certainly learned about taking inventory, balanced cash, and those sort of worthless things. I worked as a janitor, ticket taker, and candy counter person at a cinema. The janitor position was very physically taxing as I had to push a vacuum that weighed almost as much as me. Between biking there (this was well before the theft of the bike) and having to clean two full cinemas and two bathrooms, I was kept pretty fit and healthy, plus I got paid.

I also managed to glean what I wanted to be, an opportunity that I had never really been given before. I already knew, as that fucking bitch knows, that I would be doing something else. I was 19 years old, and quickly later became employed by Paul Revere Insurance and excelled there, BEFORE I WENT TO COLLEGE (which although in the fictional universe my mother paid for, but I in fact paid my tuition for years I was successful and those that I was not). In fact if I had stayed there, and not moved on with my college career, I probably would have been a lot more successful, had a retirement plan, and much more vacation time then my later jobs before becoming self employed. I guess that makes me a loser, rather than someone doing what they want to do while living at the beach with the love of my life and my awesome dogs?

I am quite darned proud of my record, and most parents would be proud of their daughter that had worked so hard and taken care of themselves so well. Since I didn't realize the evil, nasty, foul nature of my mother at that point, I didn't tell her to shove the worthless presents that she bought me so she could be a "good mom", while thinking her foul and negative thoughts about me. Talking about leaving my bike unsecured and she needed to come to my rescue (two years later?). First of all, my bike was secured--has she ever heard of bolt cutters. Second of all, where we lived, which I didn't realize was next to a quite active tenement of prostitutes and drug dealers, where a family was gunned down in the middle of the night----the fucking least of my worries was that my bike might be stolen (or car, and a friends secured motorcycle disappeared within hours of being there). I could also afford my own fucking bike, and when she rushed to my rescue according to her fictionalized account (two years later when we lived in an entirely different apartment one block away from my work, which I enjoyed walking to even though a had an AUTO) by buying me a bike that weighed like 75 pounds, and hounding my husband to do all the "surprise birthday" footwork for her....I should have driven that thing right to where she lived and dumped it on her foul doorstep. I didn't even want a bike, but thought it would be rude to refuse a present. Where we lived had an abuser living above us that we had called into the police. I believe he broke into our storage area, and I wasn't about to call attention to myself (he had guns and knives up there) to get it back. Course it was my fault for living below someone where we regularly heard "no put back the knife" and when the police would show up----the woman would say nothing was wrong.

These are probably far from the last fictional stories (oh just look for user name imaginny in this search, I doubt I have found all of the stories as yet)that I will find about me penned by my dumb ass egg donor. I am thankful ,Karma, that you give me these frequent reminders of the right decision that I took far too long to make. Imagine this all started because I said "no" once. "Nope that is not going to happen for you", got far too much on my plate to give you gifts that you aren't even thankful for, and now worry that they are not the perfect representative of what you think you are.

Little victim, "what did I do that day to be called dumb and have my information linked on the blog?". Oh, gosh, doesn't she know sending five people after me that have all been educated in your fictional accounts of my life, would not be well received? Finding the never ending parade of falsehoods and the evidence of what a twisted fucking sense of reality that she manufactures to prop her worthless loser self up? Perhaps that's it. Apparently, there is a list of people that she does this to. And so I am not sorry that Karma kicks her sorry butt down the stairs regularly. She deserves it.

I gotta say, once upon a time I was a pretty good daughter. To make fun of parents who say "well I did not beat you or sexually abuse you", my proof of good daughterhood is that I didn't try to kill you in the middle of the night, and then parade around with your heads on sharpened sticks. So I must have been one hell of a daughter. I hope all the other people that she regularly pisses off to the point where they hunt her down to steal from her, are also able to exercise that sort of level of control.

My sincere thanks, Karma. Happy Holidays. Deliver to her everything that she deserves this holiday season, and thank you for the bang up job so far.

Too Nice, Wants to be Naughty

2010-11-09T06:00:00.002-05:00

(another reposting that seems to relate to the recent thread. This was posted somewhere back in 2009, I think)

Some mental geniuses have criticized me for "not being a nice person". Well actually nice me usually means certain people feeling free to stalk, threaten, and creep me the F out. So ya, I am not nice me here.

I mean nasty parents (not all parents, just the stupid ingrate entitled ones) who are hating me instead of the children who want nothing to do with them. The person that donated the egg to this individual cocktail usually points them here.

The mean, it works, the vile insects slink back under their rocks to hunt for the more vulnerable vegetation and things that have evolved neither backbones or balls. My balls tucked under for a little while lately, and then I remembered how fun it is to have balls.

It's pretty important to have a backbone in these hard times too. And swearing, I love it. Perhaps because I am overly fond of fart humor as well. It gives a good punctuation to a situation that needs a big of inflammatory language.

And I think people that can not get over themselves, are pretty friggin hilarious. When they need to make big whoppers and lies up to elevate themselves, I am like a shark sniffing the blood in the water. Come to me baby.....

My counterpart smells the blood if this person detects anything remotely negative in what I write. Like about the estrangement with the Spermy of the story. Oh, Spermy was discovered again by Eggy, and what joy there must have been to hear from crazy person AGAIN. You know Spermy might understand that the gateway to reconciliation will not be found through that door. Not that there is a door, but it definitely would not be found through that door. Infidelity has a way of eroding trust in the long term. Just something for you married couples to think about, while you are still married. The divorce might just go a little more smoothly if you aren't bopping someone else during it. Just a thought for your consideration.

So if your kids end up not wanting to be around you later, you might have someone open to discussion with you. That is unless you are a rotten sniveling liar, and you have publicly posted this all over the place.

I'm not even using ink now, and it's a waste of my time LOL. Let's just say that I have discovered my iron balls again, and am treating them with the respect that they deserve!! The rest of you tuck tail and run, cause the beast is loose!!

OMG, did she just talk about balls?

Solutions and Suggestions to Stop Internet Libel in An Estrangement

2010-11-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

Re posting of a past blog that seems oddly appropriate at the moment.

Have a relative frustrated because you are no longer talking to them (and deservedly so). Are they spreading lies about you on the Internet. Here are some creative solutions to stop the problem.

Post your own obituary. Be sure to specify there will be no public service, private ceremony only. Be sure that this person will either find it or be unwittingly notified about it by a their associates.
Hire an actor or actress to pretend they are you, correspond with them, and throw them completely off track (or make them think you are reconciled---just obvious problems are they will want to visit).
Let them know you forgive them, and want a relationship with them but the radioactive nuclear waste in your area (where you are quarantined by the army) makes this, sadly, impossible.
Send them creepy messages like "I just drove by your house" or "I know you were just on vacation". (My mother did this, and it quite effectively freaked me out).
Ask for money first thing whenever they call.
Have your cell phone barely charged on every conversation.

This Sperm and Egg Combo Advises---Don't F With Me Beyatch

2010-11-08T16:13:00.007-05:00

****Sorry it was just too much. I had to release this rage one more time. It irks me, as I know this is just what the foul beyatch wanted. So think of this as returning the favor this holiday season.

I am never going to her website again, I think I can say (14 years later) I got a good idea of how this woman is...and I am good being way way away from her. She hates being called dumb (though in all irony the blog post she is talking about calls three other people dumb, I never imply that she is coming to my site, though the person who is implied to have come has an isp address from shrewsbury mass...but she says I always have to be right without even reading the post or understanding what it is about, but getting (her words) her reporters to post back to her) What is dumb is sending her online "reporters" to my site to harrass me, and what is dumber is to continue to piss me off with her lies and fantasies about me. I DO NOT PLAY, and when I do get into action it's not in a passive aggressive subtle sort of fashion.

Glad to see you have a healthy list of suspects of people (the cowardly she bitch has taken this post off her website now, guess we can call off the Lancaster police now about the supposed cyber theft of money?) that can't stand you guys. Jeez, and the funniest thing, you post that bogus post about me....and then blame me when you start getting harassed by someone when I am doing my best to ignore your insanity. Makes me wonder if this is just your fantasy post to get my attention. Well you got it, but not in the way you want it baby cakes. Sounds like you hang with an upstanding crowd.

All the stuff you have out there is in writing, and can be used against you in a court of law. Especially since I do not have to prove any financial hurt on my part, just that you lied about me in writing. And if you follow the bread crumbs of your untruths and paranoid fantasies, you can see anyone could find themselves to me.

I do it so much more directly AND legally. You might want to stop, as I have now directly identified almost everything related to you on my blog. I don't play, and may see fit to take it down when you apologize, fess up, and stop the shit entirely. I warned you that I was keeping tabs on what you write.

Oh, and then I could call you if you do not cease and desist, or is that what you are trying for? Because if it is, I never ever see a period of time where I will feel forgiveness for you or fondness of any sort. The reason for this is that I don't believe you are mentally ill or that what causes the foulness that lives inside you. Some people are just born without love, compassion or empathy for anyone but themselves.

Here is the other thing though, you are too much of a coward to e-mail such allegations to me as I am not afraid to do. Most likely you are ripping the phone jacks out of the wall for fear you will have to try and justify your miserable excuse for life and being.

Crimes can be reported to either the Lancaster Pennsylvania Police OR the FBI. If any crime does even exist, and if this is not your sad and pathetic attempt to be noticed after a long ignoring period.

I am more annoyed at you than normal today, as I found yet another version of your events online regarding a bicycle story. Yes, you manage to make anything you have done, and everything that you do ugly. I remember you hounding Robert to go get the bike, that I didn't want by the way. You claim one that I left my previous bike unsecured, which is untrue. We did live in a high crime area, where a family was murdered in a drug deal gone wrong....guess if I had been murdered, instead of having my bike stolen, it would have been some loser thing I did.

You know genius, when you got me the bike I HAD A FRIGGIN CAR. I walked to work because it was like a block away (perhaps a detail that someone so totally in not in love with themselves and all things them could have figured out), and I could certainly afford my own bike. It was understood to be a birthday present for me at the time. Thank you for soiling yet another memory of mine, and letting me know the ugly negative thoughts that go through your mind every day. I no longer need to read your blog, and am disappointed in myself at being sucked in again.

What you never understood about the Columbia that was stolen, was that it was my first bike and I loved THAT bike. Clearly you manufactured other reasons why I missed my bike, but this is the thing that you don't get about me. I am not material and I am not into "things". I understand that my bike was a thing, it was also a memory of times gone by in which my world was a lot more innocent, and it just may have been possible that I had loving parents. When I read the utter crap that you write about me, it just can not be possible that you loved me as anything other than your mirror. Unfortunately for you, the mirror started seeing that something was not right with the reflection.

I said the other day that I didn't think I hated anyone. Wow, I didn't know how wrong I was. Every time I try to forgive you or move on, you shit in front of me. I don't believe you are mentally ill either, or that if you are that is an excuse for your behavior. I find you to be a very ugly person inside, and feel bad how much it must hurt to live with the foul blackness that rests inside of you.

It's kind of odd that I wrote the previous post...

2010-11-07T13:05:00.004-05:00

I really hate labelling people and things. However, when describing traits or a problem, it really is helpful to understand what YOU are really saying. Otherwise, who else is going to know what you are really saying, if you use the wrong word or definition. OR if they themselves do not know the difference in terms.

I have been staggered at the amount of times these terms do in fact come up as a component of estrangement reasons. That being said, I have friends and/or family that also may embody some qualities that are...well not that attractive. The difference between my friends and those that may share those qualities that I can not identify with or befriend, is that the attractive qualities of my friends outweigh things that may be otherwise unattractive. Sometimes they make those other (normally unattractive) qualities endearing or funny.

It's hard to find the humor in someone who is trying their best to make your life miserable or meaningless except in regards to how it reflects on them.

In reading these things, much comfort can be found in finding a similar story to yours from others. Just today I found a post that could be from "future me" LOL. Frequently I find posts that could have been from "past me" just starting out in this journey. This journey has been a total of fourteen years in finding the balance that I needed in my life.

I hope others will find that, or have already found it too. It is a journey, and it takes a lot of work and travel into some unpleasant territory. It was territory that needed to be faced and acknowledged however.

Other Blogs on the Subject

2010-09-28T12:23:00.004-04:00

I have found it comforting to read about other people's experiences with their families. These sort of posts let you know that you are not alone. Since I don't feel the need to expand upon my own estrangement recently, I have decided to share some interesting blogs and writings that I have found. As with medical issues that I have, I have found that estrangement is not the worst thing to happen to me in this world. I have a great husband, enjoy my dogs, do what I love for a living, live where I want to live, and have good friends. My life by my own definition is successful in the most important ways, as I am sure my reader's lives thrive. Recognize your successes, and find the comfort that you are not alone by a long shot:)

Interview with Author of "Former Things"

Former Things Blog

How to be Present in Your Family if You Are a Workaholic

Be Careful About Bad Mouthing Your Ex Spouse

Interesting Blog about Borderline Personality Disorder in a Mother

From Unbearably Hot to Chilly Willy

2010-09-16T18:33:00.006-04:00

Maine had a pretty hot summer season this year. The weather was definitely for the beach. I was at home most of the time with 11 or more doggies to supervise and entertain, but I did make it out there on occasion.

Now, in typical Maine weather fashion, Fall seems to have slammed into us with chilly breezes in the late afternoon. Still beautiful out though, just need to recalibrate the old body to the temperature change. I am actually pretty thrilled to be able to layer in stuff to keep warm. Even by stuffing my bra with ice cubes, I was unable to keep the heat away, except by hiding in air conditioning. Training and watching dogs for a living, you do eventually need to come outside. The poor dogs this summer, they had nothing in the afternoon heat.

Now that it's Fall all the dogs have found their energy and play drive again. I am able to exercise and train outside, and actually be comfortable doing it again. I do love Fall.

And the best part is, IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN!!! I am just a "little" nutty about the Halloween season. My decorations are already up.

New Eating Plan, Slow and Steady--why spouses suck LOL

2010-08-24T06:00:00.001-04:00

Okay, my husband in general does not suck. He is a loving and wonderful guy, who brings home %^#@$ cookies and candy. In meeting with the nutritionist, the agreement had continued rather well for a time being.

The nutritionist did a good job, so the following sarcasm can not be attributed to making fun of her. I am making fun of us. Truly a big difference has been seen in complying with these beginning ground breaking changes:

Plan out meals and make a shopping list. (we stuck to this for two weeks, although I have been consistent in trying to bring up the meeting every week----cause I am THE best LOL)

In cereals, breads ET; the first ingredient should say"whole" whatever AND the fiber count should be more than 3.

The plate method of eating dinners where 1/4 should be protein, 1/4 should be starch, and 1/2 should be veggies.

3 regular meals and 2 snacks should be eaten every day. Not more than an hour should pass in the morning before eating breakfast, and not more than three hours should pass between the eating of snacks or meals during the day.

Be sure that we are eating the proper servings of snacks and meals.

That my husband in particular should experiment with a new vegetable a week. I love veggies, this is NOT a problem for me.

In the last two weeks, my husband has defaulted to the lame excuse for bringing home calorie rich and nutrition poor sweets. The old "they were all on sale". This is the excuse that follows every holiday for buying the candy that we hardly need NOR is good for us.

I have better self control than my husband, but I am not perfect. I know shocking, right? I find myself lacking control sometimes, and if it's in the house (and lets just say I might have had a couple of glasses of wine), then chocolate and sweet things will be hunted and devoured in my house. It's the only kind of hunting that I don't mind doing myself. Also I don't need to worry about skill with a bow or gun. Husband tends to leave these things out in easy to find places where they can be cornered easily:)

And that is why he sucks. If they are not there in the house in the hidey holes during especially weak moments (sick, tired, stressed, under the wine influence) then I can not eat them. And God knows, I am going to be way to lazy to go out and get them. These things need to be physically brought in the house by someone other than me (except for the very rare Rowan Tree cafe cookie).

So that is why my husband bites the big one. The other undermining thing is when relatives visit of course, and especially if they are not on a healthy course of eating.

That being said, after my birthday week of non stop eating and then many treats being home by husband, I am only up 5 pounds that are quickly coming back off. I gotta say this "rocket science" really makes sense and seems to actually work. Let's see where I am in a couple of months, as this epiphany is still fairly new.

My Birthday

2010-08-10T08:42:00.009-04:00

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday. It was filled with family who came to us at the house over the weekend and into the week. This would be a great tradition to start every year, as an excuse to get our family up and have fun. My brother in law, niece, and nephew came down. All my nephews and nieces are great. I have five in all. One is all grown with kids of his own, one is close to starting college, one is in his tweens , and two are around nine years old. They are very kind and wonderful young adults and children.

I have a hard time communicating with them and bonding sometimes due to my own upbringing. I am reserved, shy, and not so trusting of those that don't know me real well. It's not that I realistically think I could be hurt by people who are in my family, it's my previous experience with my biological family that holds me back. It took many years until I felt I could have some heart to hearts with my brothers and sister in laws. It was the same with my mother and father in laws. It took forever for me to really be able to open up somewhat, and experience a relationship with them. It took me a very long while to realize we could all disagree with each others opinions, but still like each other. It just did not work like that with the E or S Donor, never mind the B monster.

Not that this is why we became estranged at all, but it sure is the reason that I am not bonded to the people that share my DNA. Thus why I don't feel that there is an overwhelming duty on my part to participate in a relationship that has never been there in the first place. My brother and sister in laws had a very different relationship with their mother and the person that they considered their father. They do also share in the fact that there did exist a man with their DNA, and no relationship existed between them. Mostly because DNA man stepped out and away from his children. He was not a man that deserved his children, however it was not his children who ended the relationship. His children are now wonderful parents (except us of course) to great children. It is a wonder that they came from the same DNA, as this man seemed to have zero parental instincts whatsoever. Although I did hear that he had another family, and I believe the children in the house were also his.

It is unfortunate that my brothers and sister in law had to deal with this in their youth and adult lives. Explaining my estrangement to them is a little easier for it. If their biological father had not existed, they probably would not relate to my experiences at all. The understanding of it is still hard for everybody. My parents in law were great examples of what parenting should and could be. Some find it hard to understand that every parent and child relationship may not follow the same model of love, affection, and support of one another. Unfortunately, the example of such did exist in their own experiences as well.

The whole point of this, is that I have a story to tell about estrangement on my birthday. It was a great birthday, and I almost hate writing about this the day after to sully any part of the memory a wonderful day. It may help someone to realize that they are not going through these experiences alone.

My brother in law, niece, and nephew dropped their car at our house so that my husband could shuttle us off to the beach. Bogey boards, a football, towels, and a beach chair travelled along with us. My niece was very excited to catch the waves for a second day in a row, and excited that I was coming along. My niece is an exuberant energetic pixy of a girl. You can not be shy with her, she doesn't know shy or reserved. You are going to get hugs and kisses, and you will like them LOL. Do not resist. It makes me feel bad that I am shy and reserved with my other nieces and nephews, and that is something I will have to work on. My niece has inspired me.

Anyway, we get to the beach, and pick a spot near the stairs. I do scan to see if the donor or monster is around, and I do not see them. Not that I care really, I just like to know whether or not they are there, so I don't bump into them unexpectedly. I would also not like to set up my chair right next to them, if you know what I mean. As we are walking along the ocean, my phone rings. My husband lets me know that he saw the donor walking up the stairs from there. So most likely, they are set up somewhere near us. No biggy, now I know and am not going to be surprised.

My niece and I start walking back after bogey boarding, and I realize "the man" in the straw hat is in actuality my step monster. The s donor has come back to join them. They are fifty feet away from us, as luck would have it. I am amused to see the monster turn her chair so her back faces towards me, once she realizes that I am there. We just went on with our day. The only difference it made in my day was having to explain to my brother in law why 1) we don't acknowledge each other (and it was more of a vague explanation than the hundreds of reasons why) and 2) why the donor does not try and wish me a happy birthday. You know besides the fact it is the memory of a mistake he made (yeah that would be me) when some seminal fluid leaked up the wrong leg. Plus the fact that I have apparently always reminded him and the monster of the e donor or the fact that there was an e donor in the past.

My birthday is perhaps not nor ever was a day of happiness for my donors, and that is okay. I did not end up being the replicant that the e donor wanted. I did not end up continually paying for the s donor's mistake and knowing my place in the world, as the s donor would have liked. I have gone on, survived, and do what makes me feel happy. I see in their weight and on their faces exactly how happy and fulfilling their lives are. They have what they so richly deserve. It does not make me happy, but if does feel like some kind of justice in the great scheme of things.

In the end the feeling of being near them was the feeling of being near strangers that you somehow just know are not the type of people you wish to or want to know. We have all been strangers for ages anyway. It is just official these days:)

Update on The State of The Union

2010-07-20T12:58:00.004-04:00

Thanks for checking in on me, all and recent commenter. I figure I owe an update. This was to become my comic and sarcasm blog, but business has been brisk, good, and keeping me quite busy.

Overall, life is good here. I spend very little brain power on thinking about my family. Husband was in line in the grocery store next to Sperm Donor, and neither said anything to the other. It's as it should be, we are strangers and if we weren't, we wouldn't get along. I don't know how I ended up being so different from my parents, or why they didn't like or love me, as I felt I should be. However, I really have ceased to care or think about it at all. Not my problem LOL.

I am pretty much where I would like to be in my life. I am content and happy. I only wish people and things (that I care about and who actually do care about me)could stop dying on my as life requires that they do. It is one thing that I would change.

We are even all getting healthier here at the household. Go figure when you start to eat well and healthy, you start to feel better physically. Who knew this before? Needed to make an appointment with a nutritionist to figure this out. Heck it got us all on the same page, and amending what we could for our eating. This just stacks the odds that we will grow old and healthy together.

This Site Gets More Traffic Than My Bus. Site

2010-01-31T11:14:00.003-05:00

It's so totally wierd that this site, which has been minimally active, still gets as much attention as it does. Look wise anyway. I can only hope that I am providing some people with answers (sort of) or affirmation that others have gone through this. Or are going through this.

Sort of sad to realize that so many people are searching for answers to this problem. Sometimes this problem can not be resolved because of who people are and will continue to be despite wishes otherwise. Eventually acceptance in this situation should and can be reached, and life can continue on in a pleasant manner:)---regardless of what the solution is determined to be.

Anyway, I am doing well. I've had a few death tragedies lately. I guess it's a real sign that you are getting older when you can not get out of a year without one or more people/things that you love become deceased. Those are the thoughts that preoccupy me now. It seems just as one grieving process nears as acceptable level of pain, another one is starting right around the corner.

Always seems to happen in December or months surrounding as well. Not very holiday orientated lately, and in fact have decided the holidays that I will celebrate will be in October and February instead (Valentines and Halloween).

I really hate death of my loved ones. Very sad thoughts lately.

Perfect Fit Button Product

2009-12-27T06:53:00.003-05:00

I have seen some bad products and informercials in my day. Can I just say, this is a class action lawsuit waiting to happen?

http://perfectfitbutton.com/

First of all it's like those pins you put on jackets and hats, that are just bound to stick you. Now you are supposed to hold back all this fat with this pin, to pin back a half an inch or so. Please, just man up and suck in your gut, it will be less painful.

I love the suggestion that you don't need to buy new clothes for your kids anymore when they outgrow them. Great mom, I get to pin my pants. Pretty sure a safety pin would be a little cheaper.

Good lord, I can come up with horrible products.

Elsie Snickers Rest in Peace 10/1/2009

2009-10-09T09:30:00.005-04:00

Elsie Snickers was my grandmother on my maternal side. She died recently at a care facility. I am sorry that she did not enjoy her life, as everyone has a right to. She had an illness somewhere in her that (this is what I would like to think) prevented her from allowing those that had grown up loving her to be close.

I am not referring to myself in the above statement. I feel much empathy with her, having been trapped within the biology that she was born with (again this is what I would like to have think happened). She never really had a significant other to really share her life happily with.

I wish life could have dealt my grandmother a kinder blow. Please rest in peace, Elsie, and find happiness somewhere. I feel her death has released her from a very unhappy and unhealthy existence.

I don't write here much anymore on family issues. I felt that I needed to leave my memorial to my grandmother. Here are some memories of her:

She actually recorded me young singing, and listened to it in her adulthood. If you had ever heard me sing, you would be amazed that anyone would seek to listen to that.
I remember her little kitchen in the home she had when I was younger. Sitting at the table and talking with her.
I remember the Barbie airplane play kit that she bought me. I played with it all the time.
She had a box of my mother's old toys that I loved playing with at her house.
Christmas's visiting with her at her brother's family's house.

Thinking about the 100 Favorite Halloween/Horror Movies

2009-10-03T14:11:00.002-04:00

Visit this list from my 2009 list, which will no doubt be added to this year.

Enjoy in the meantime!!!!

LMAO Yet Fairly Disturbing

2009-09-08T10:55:00.004-04:00

Every once in a while I check my sitemeter out to see who is visiting. If I see a couple of states, I figure that I probably know these people peering in.

Yet, once I see the title of what they were looking up, hopefully not. Here is what I saw when I looked up one viewer whose location will remain secret:

"which family member you want catching you jerking off"

Not sure why this pulled up my site???? Perhaps because I call some of my family members jerks LOL. Anyway, my answer to this question would be a resounding NOT A ONE OF THEM!!! Never mind that it would be physically impossible for me to do so anyway.

However, get help and thanks for the chuckle that you didn't even know you passed on this morning.

What Is It With People That Don't Call First!

2009-09-06T13:46:00.003-04:00

First off, I am delighted to see people that I haven't seen for awhile. You know, that is unless you interupt me in the middle of an mid day married person's personal activity!! Or something else that I may be doing and not expecting company to pop in.

My life really isn't so boring that I might not be involved in something. However, if you just called first, not only could I arrange my activities, but I could arrange something fun for us all to do.

Just saying. And just because we are an old married couple, does not mean you couldn't find us in a compromising position if you just let yourself in. And no one needs to see that!!

Dear Time Warner Cable

2009-05-15T08:21:00.005-04:00

Dear Time Warner Cable/Roadrunner,

I have worked with you on ~~your monopoly~~ our relationship during absurd fees for services, and not even being aware of what exactly ~~you are withholding in your lump sum~~ I am paying for. I have gone insane trying to figure out why my computer won't connect to the internet, only to find it it's something going on with TimeWarner cable’s service being down.

I have resigned myself that a special wiring is needed in order to not have wireless computer connections, which work right sporadically at best all over the house. We weathered the storm when we found out that TIME WARNER ~~fraudulently~~ intentionally configured THEIR ROUTER (which we were required to rent) not to reach our whole house (as others were sharing a wireless connection).

However, this last Saturday when you ~~assholes~~ rearranged my channels, and changed them to ones that my programs were no longer available on.....especially Harper's Island. I won’t even ~~rant about~~ mention the Fear.net debacle.

Let's just say, I've been re-evaluating your worth to our relationship and me thus far. Dumb
Asses; I can get on the computer connection that I already pay for. I can even get it in High Def, if that was a priority to me. I now cannot get certain programs available to me on my computer on your service AT ALL. I'm just saying a simple wire from my computer to large television screen gets me all the same programming. A 17.00 per month fee to Netflix gets me about 40 movies a month, and some of these can go through a box direct to my television making it at least twice the amount of movies!! If I rent from you, I am paying 4.00 for any
decent movie per piece!!

So I am paying 40.00 for online service, 40.00 for digital telephone mail (which apparently can also be worked through my computer instead for much less), 40.00 for box rentals, and 50.00 for cable. You see my dilemma, right? I could be paying 40.00 for online, less than 10.00 for digital telephone through my computer, 0.00 for box rentals, and
nothing for cable.

I am sorry for the abrupt "Dear John" letter, but this just is not working out for me.

Sincerely,

Jane Doe

Lessons from Other Mothers In My Life

2009-05-07T08:44:00.004-04:00

Although I am going to TRY for a humorous blog here, this one is of a more nostalgic nature. These are valuable lessons that I have learned from Other Mothers in my life.

1. Be quick to apologize if you are wrong.
2. Be there in the present, enjoy the moment with the ones that you love.
3. Laugh often and with feeling.
4. Don't let anything or anyone hold you back.
5. Talk, really talk.
6. Do not assume one is sitting in judgement on you. They may be simply interested in your life and interests.
7. It's okay to disagree.
8. Every individual can have their own interests.
9. Have an adventure!
10. There is no such thing as saying I love you too much. (sometimes this may sound more like "you don't call me enough" ET, see it for what it is "I love you and I miss you")
11. Everything is not in your control, sometimes you just need to accept that.
12. The only individual responsible for their actions is that individual.
13. Cherish the friends and family that are truly in your life.

Running Shoes????

2009-05-05T09:02:00.006-04:00

Yeah I have been trotting along like an old overweight lady about 3-4 miles or 30 to 45 minutes a day for a little bit now. One of my clients was surprised that I did not have running shoes the other day. Is it so wrong to be wearing these?

Okay, just so you know, I am neither a natural or dumb blonde!!

It's not like I am breaking any speed records or anything.

I am hardly in the market or needing of the best technology in running right now . I am just glad not to be fracturing any bones, and that this old lady is able to do a slow trotting jog for that distance and length of time. My goal is to still be skiing when I am 80.

At the point that I consider a marathon or something, I will take the time to invest in the appropriate equipment, but my slow trot is not far removed from a speed walk right now . Not the time to be looking into camel backs (not camel toe sicko, a camel back is a pack filled with water, dumb ass) et!

The moment my dog starts needing to break into a run beside me, I will go out shopping!!

You Might Be Twisted If...

2009-05-03T14:39:00.004-04:00

This is a PSA for ways to identify whether you are, in fact, off your rocker or not:

1) You put caterpillars in your elementary school teachers shoes.
2) Had races with your childhood friends running around the house naked, as your friends (or you) tried to keep you (or them) out to be caught by the parents?
3) Sometimes eat meals backwards as the mood hits you (dinner, breakfast, lunch).
4) Spent hours thinking of products that could make you a millionaire using dog feces or dog drool.
5) Enjoy blogs posted by people clearly more disturbed than you.
6) You walked away from a high paying and power position to train dogs:)
7) Your idea of a cute man is a chubby Jewish guy with curly hair!
8) All your friends parents worried more about you than their kids when you were in college!
9) You had no interest in driving at age 16, and waited until it was a necessity at age 21.
10) Really enjoyed when your co-workers used to fart into the intercom at work.
11) Are sure of your own identity, and have walked your own path in life.
12) Watch Millionaire Matchmaker for any length of time (or perhaps you are more bored than disturbed, though I don't know)
13) Have a serious obsession with horror movies:)

New Bent to The Blog-31 Days Technically Left

2009-05-01T07:30:00.004-04:00

Dear Readers,

I hope you don't mind if I change up my blog to something entirely more interesting AND a much better use of my time. This is going to become my satiric humor writing blog. It seems a more appropriate choice, though by my first goal of burying the donors figuratively, I do have 31 days left.

I know that I have had entirely enough on what either of them would have to say about me. At least one of them keeps their mouth as tightly shut as their wife's pursed disapproving lips . The other continues to show the ways in which they can not only not be trusted not to spread my name all over the place, but telling the truth seems, er, a challenge to them. As well as boundaries, and the understanding that someone they had cheated on in marriage most likely prefers to never hear from them again. I know, hard to figure out why that might be:)

I think I have burnt out on sarcastic things to say about that. However, there is plenty more in life that can be commented on I think, and I hate to bog down other avenues that I have to write with this cappola.

In the meantime, bible thumping Gale or BTG as I will refer to her seems a constant visitor now. Interesting.....

It's Not About You Anymore Folks...

2009-05-01T07:20:00.002-04:00

98.149.147.# May 1 2009 1:06:42 am 8 28:15

AND

charter.com ? (Commercial)
IP Address 24.183.184.# (CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS)
ISP CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : Massachusetts
City : Worcester
Lat/Long : 42.2647, -71.8089 (Map)

Ah guys aka the donors, you are going to find very little about yourselves here anymore.

Do I Really Look Like The Type To Be Intimidated?

2009-04-30T08:42:00.004-04:00

Now folks, I realize there are a lot of wife beating creeps out there. They are unfortunately allowed out of their domestic abodes, and out into my world in public with me. There seems to be an awful lot of them where I live, and I tend to come across them on my beach walks. I am not usually the snotty nor snobby sort that talks about white trash or men that appear to live in the hills with no social contact whatsoever.

Being a former Junior High School student who was picked on by bullies, I am pretty savvy at the outright bully management system. The trick is to be able to tell the bully who will easily piss in his/her pants when confronted from the psychotic deranged jerk that will come to your home and kill you in the middle of the night. What I learned in High School, is the bullies stay away from you when the light weight victim of their meanderings instead waits for her moment to punch them in the face without provocation. Yeah, they didn't tend to come seek me out anymore from Junior High to the time that I graduated from High School.

One of the Junior High bullies was not caught in Junior High. My very first day of High School found the music teacher pulling me off of her as I zeroed in on her. No more problemos after that. Go figure.

In my adult life, I found myself working with cheap labor in the form of ex-jail convicts. I was the controller of a high tech corporation, and I suspect that their CEO had a particular reason besides cheap labor for his sympathies going to ex convicts. Not to mention that the VP did some time in CA for biting his wife!! I didn't realize this when I took the job, of course. The first time I realized this was when the chickenshit CEO had me also take on the Human Resources job to talk to Eddy about a problem. Eddy, as I was later told by a female co-worker, was recently released from jail for duck taping his wife to a chair and beating her. It was at this time that I started to see the downfalls of working for someone else to say the least.

Also, until I found my next job, I realized that I needed to be someone that looked like she would put up quite a good fight in the event of attempted homicide or raping (or both). This is where I learned to get right into the face of someone trying to intimidate me and swear/yell loudly back. As a woman, you will not last long in this kind of environment (not that you will particularly want to either) unless you can hold your own. I got to do the layoffs as well.

I left there as quickly as possible for other jobs that didn't particularly pick from the ex-convict population for their work force:) Still, I found supervisors that tried to intimidate my staff to let an undocumented expense go or embezzlement go. They soon found themselves on the business end of me, and forbidden to speak to my staff ever. At a time where the US workers were being laid off while being forced to train foreign counter parts, it became a very potentially dangerous place to work. I made sure that I always looked like someone not to be messed with, as I also scoped out exits of escape in the large manufacturing building.

So one would think that my idyllic career change would keep out the nasty people. Not always so, because they are allowed out on occasion to our beaches and such. Yesterday's altercation in asking someone to pick up their trash, ended up in threats to me that I better "watch out". His little girl was with him for the love of God. So I said "was that a threat? Do you intend to physically assault me in front of your little girl?" I would have said something more, but I actually did not want to upset the little girl just because her dad is a neanderthal let loose on the unsuspecting public.

Love in It's Widely Recognized form

2009-04-29T06:00:00.016-04:00

It's been 18 years since our marriage vows (this year) and 23 years together in total. Blowing away my parents first try of 18 years of wedded hell (19 years or so of being together in total to account for my nine month incubation period). What is freakin hilarious, is both of my "loving" piece of shit parents have always downgraded MY marriage. MY "I didn't need to get married because some sperm landed on my leg and one lodged inside" marriage. Or my "found the first person who could fucking stand me marriage" (though I admit to that being quite a feat for that donor). Or my "second person I ever fucked while married marriage".

MY marriage which has included zero cheating on either's part, is not because we are afraid to die alone. No DUMB ASSES,

****Note inserted here, we would have had children to live in servitude to us. Yes you read that right chilDREN, because you need to account for possible death, the fact that they may hate you for good reason later on--due to the expected servitude---, moving away from you, and they may marry someone you don't like, so one couldn't possibly keep their fucking mouths shut for the one or two days out of the year that time is spent with the grown up egg/sperm combo. The big mistake my donors made was not making a few models to ensure that one would end up a whining, sniveling, back boneless creature. Instead, lucky them, they got me with a working brain and ingrained self esteem.

and the owners of the sperm and egg that spawned me have ever felt the feeling in it's true and widely recognized form, it's actually because we love each other...and not for one moment faltered. I realize this jealousy stems from not being able to duplicate this, and living in your own personal hell and all (karma really sucks doesn't it?). It's certainly not my fault however, I arranged neither marriages or the sad tragic little lives that live within them. Nor any health problems that anyone may have developed, though their postings try to blame me for it (since the suicide note didn't work). If I had powers that worked like that, I would strike one mute and fingerless (and toe less in case they had the fortitude to come back from that, which is extremely doubtful as exercise is a four letter word to, well, either one of them)

Neither of your mates (currently) are who I would have picked either. See you stupid pieces of narcissistic shit, this is called an individual making their well defined choice. Blame whoever you want for your miserable meaningless lives, we've just come back from the beach in our miserable lives LOLOL. I've gone jogging, he's watched a little Red Sox, and the earth hasn't collapsed in on us as it would for either of my donors. Imagine the ruckus that would ensue by a spouse making the smallest "mistake" in their houses!! In one a glass being broken or spilled milk, would be cause for much drama. In another, imagine that a sporting event would want to be watched in that very house LOLOLOL. It would be too much. The sonic boom would be heard around the world, cause it's not what they likely.

What is really sick on my egg donor's part is the criticism of my marriage because I have been married so long. Like until death or something, no shit that vow meant something. And not because I said a vow, but because I actually carefully considered who my partner would be. It wasn't just someone who leaked on my leg one night while I was in a drunken stupor. Imagine how a little bit of contemplation might make a marriage that will work, if you will. Now imagine what Ms Egg Donor might say if I wasn't married at all LOLOL. For Christ sake, would she fucking shut up already with her assumptions and negative criticisms and God awful whining. The she says "she never sees the good in what I say." Lady I don't need you to see what little good you have said about me, which is like 1% of your totally out there rantings to an audience that is too stoopid to see you for what you are. They are picked well, props to that.

Other people see me and know me. I don't need to put up with negative BS from either of , saying that my unhappy childhood is BS. Oh I guess that's why I didn't get out of bed even to shower for three years, that was my happiness at my childhood peeking through. Or how I started having dinner in my room only to keep out of your mother fucking fights that were the norm at dinner. Yeah, great childhood. Or finding one donor at home talking to men about how they were fucking person Y, that was great as well. Sometimes children tell their parents that they were good parents out of a sense of politeness, as the alternate version that one was a rotten egg sucking parent from hell that one would never wish on another human being, doesn't go over so well on those holiday occasions.

Though when gram told Ms Egg Donor that only whores wore red nail polish (which I agree is wrong, but it was Gram so it was freakin hilarious), and Ms Egg Donor went ballistic, I totally missed the joke, as I didn't know that Ms Donor was personally collecting other donor sperm. The thing is E donor convinced me everything she was doing was cool because S Donor was such an ass, but then later it occurred to me that things could have been handled just so much better and ethically. But narcissistic sociopath;s don't care as long as it fits in with their happiness. Hey let someone else tell me what was going on, and also notify me on the next marriage.

Ah yes, the proof is that Ms E Donor went to therapy and so she could not be a narcissistic sociopath. Um, I can't think of anything that would make Ms E Donor quite as excited as talking to someone about herself for hours and hours. Course Ms E Donor would have to pay someone eventually, because who the fuck can take that. Who cares? They both totally chose your estrangement. They both totally could not make a compromise of any sort, and broke whatever promises you made. A least one is a sick pathological liar, who deserves everything that is coming and more.

Heaven forbid one would express anger to either of my chickenshit parents, by the way. Certainly in person, it can't be taken after doing and saying inappropriate things in public or private. One is supposed to say "thank you, can I have another?" However, I am not being hazed in a friggin sorority here or in any club that would have the those two for members.

This has been a message from your sponsor: JUST SAY NO TO DUMB ASSED PIECES OF SHIT.

And if you are trying to mend an estrangement, this would be a really bad way to do it . However, if you are welding the little fucker shut, it is an absolutely inspired way of doing it.

Lyrics -Alanis Hand in My Pocket

2009-04-28T08:04:00.011-04:00

I have been amazingly bad in actually listening to words to songs. So I have been doing this exercise in trying to duplicate the lyrics that I am hearing. Later on, I will go back and see what words that I may have missed. These are all songs that relate to me and my (sorry for those of you aggrieved by your estrangements) wonderful estrangements. I love my estrangements. I kiss my screen for finally making such good decisions years ago. I really could give a flying fart about what people who don't even know me think about it LOL.

I would tell the bible thumpers, the college people that took a psych course, to play this sound track when they take a suggest long walk off a short pier!! And while you are at it, ask yourself why do all my friends exist only on the internet? LOLOL. Or maybe why none of your three marriages lasted? Or pehaps if your estrangers made some stellar decisions in their lives as I did?!

I'm broke but I'm happy

I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

And what it all comes down to

Is that everything is going to be fine fine fine

Because I have one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I am sober

I'm young but I'm underpaid

I'm tired but I'm working

I care but I'm restless

I'm here but I'm really gone

I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

And what it all comes down to

Is that everything is going to be quite alright

Because I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

Because I have one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I am focused

I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly

I'm sad but I'm laughing

I'm brave but I'm chickenshit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to

Is that noones really got it figured out just yet

But I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other ones playing a piano

What it all comes down to my friends

Is that everything is just fine fine fine

Because I got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

I Have Found THE SECRET To Loosing Weight

2009-04-27T12:43:00.003-04:00

Wait for it.

Truly an amazing discovery on my part, and let me just say, four pounds per week apparently.

I am going to be fabulously rich.

Wealthy, and thin beyond all belief

Wait for it...........

Giantuan toilet blogging turds.

Yes, you heard me, if you can produce on a daily base the most vile and seamonster of turds, which can be proofed by their toilet clogging abilities, you too can loose the pounds.

To find out how, mail me a 100.00 check, and I will share with you the secret of the turd!!!

Regardless of the Attempted Explanation...

2009-04-27T10:39:00.010-04:00

So did you or I miss an apology there, or explanation as to why she needed to elevate herself by debasing her daughter.

Oh, and why was a drinking problem that is non-existent mentioned as well as a medical problem being the reason for our estrangement.

Publicly she wishes to exonerate herself, but privately let me let you in on a little secret. The shellac put over a rotten piece of wood does not make it worth any more.

Anyhow, between that and the lies about name calling in e-mails, it's a poor way to try and extend an olive branch, and just about as believable as the sky being a putrid green.

I am not dissappointed in my anger causing her not to have direct contact with me (that and the shame and guilt she must feel at being such a liar and excuse maker and shellacing over her rotteness). That is by design. It's not the anger that scares her, it's the truth. The truth that ain't all that pretty nevermind how you wrap it or stick a bow on it.

On my blog, I would like to tell Ginny where she can stick something. Big old fake.

Oh, and lest we forget the sharing of my name with her sick little gremlin friends. God help their (the gemlins or BOL club as I like to call them) children if they ever decide, er make the mistake, of reconnecting. Run far, run fast.

Nickelback-This is How You Remind Me Lyrics

2009-04-27T09:03:00.006-04:00

Never made it as a wise man

couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

Tired of living like a blind man

I'm sick of signing without a sense of feeling

and this is how you remind me

this is how you remind me of what I really am

this is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you

S-sorry

I was waiting on a different story

This time out

Mistaking for having you a heart worth breaking

I've been wrong
I've been to the bottom of every bottle

Despite the words in my head

Scream ARE WE HAVING FUN YET

YET YET YET

NO NO

YET YET YET

NO NO

I'ts not like you didn't know that

I said I love you and I swear I still do

It must have been so bad

Because living with him must have damn near killed you

And this is how you remind me of what I really am

This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you

S-S-ORRY

I was waiting on a different story

This time out

Mistaking for you having a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong

I've been down to the bottom of every bottle

Despite words in my head

Scream ARE WE HAVING FUN YET

YET YET YET

NO NO

YET YET YET

NO NO

YET YET YET

NO NO

YET YET YET

NO NOOOOO

Never made it as a wise man

I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind

This is how you remind me of what I really am

This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you

S-sorry

I was waiting ON a different story

This time out mistaking

On you having a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong

I've been down to the bottom of every bottle

Despite words in my head

Screaming ARE WE HAVING FUN YET

YET YET YET
ARE WE HAVING FUN YET
YET YET YET
ARE WE HAVING FUN YET
YET YET YET
ARE WE HAVING FUN YET
YET YET YET
NO NO NOOOOO

Kershaw Lyrics

2009-04-27T06:00:00.003-04:00

My totally favorite eighties song when I was in High School. Nick Kershaw's Wouldn't It Be Good. Let's see if I get these right!!

I got it bad

You don't know how bad I got it

You got it easy

You don't know when you've got it good

It's getting harder just keeping life and soul together

I am sick of fighting even when I know I should

The cold is biting through each and every nerve and fiber

My broken spirit is frozen to the core

I don't wanna be here no more

Chorus 1:

Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes

Even if it was for just one day

Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away

Wouldn't it be good to be on your side

The grass is always greener over there

Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care

You must be joking, you don't know a thing about it

You got no problem,

I'd stay right there if I were you

I got it harder

You couldn't dream how hard I gotta it

Stay out of my shoes if you know what's good for you

The heat is stifling

Burning me up from me inside

The sweat is coming from each and every pour

Chorus 2:

I don't wanna be here no more

I don't wanna be here no more

I don't wanna be here no more

Chorus 1:

Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes

Even if it was for just one day

Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away

Wouldn't it be good to be on your side

The grass is always greener over there

Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care

I gotta bad
You don't know how bad I got it
You got it easy you don't know when you got it good
I'm sick of fighting even when I know I should

Ode To Grampa

2009-04-26T07:24:00.003-04:00

About two weeks ago, I had occaision to be thinking of my grandfather. My grandfather was an engineer and a "man's man". The ramp to the attic in his little ranch was as well thought out and overly intricate as my Mercedes coffee cup holder. He rigged a bird feeder so all he had to do was crack the kitchen window to load, fill, and deliver. This was not done because he was lazy, au contraire. His CB antena would rival a radio signal tower. It was made of bits and pieces, spare parts, and how it remained upright is the mystery of his engineering mind!! It could have taken out three rows of neighbor houses!!

Alright so what had me thinking of my grandfather? Well two weeks ago I accidentally slammed my hand down on a sharp metal piece while helping out with our home projects. I saw things come out of the rip in my hand that a person should not see unsedated! There were fat cells, some streamers of white, and lets not forget the blood. Blood that seeped into my whole sweater sleeve as I held my arm up racing to the bathroom! You would have to be a horror fan to understand my sudden fascination with the amount of blood coming out.

Luckily my husband was home with me, as I would hate for anyone to come home to the bloody handprints and small pools of blood that followed in my wake. It looked like I put up quite a struggle.

Oh, I contemplated going to the hospital, but once the blood stopped and I realized how friggin painful it was... Stitches are't so bad, it's the poking prodding, and the damn needle that would probably make me punch the nice nurse out. My grandfather, on the other hand, once had an operation on his arm where he INSISTED on staying awake. This was no mole removal, mind you, this is where they cut his arm open looking for something. Being the over the top engineer he was, he wanted to look at what made everything tick!!

I felt a little like him, as I was examing the gaping rip in my hand. It was just the fatty part of my palm, so don't worry readers no harm done except to my poor flesh. Luckily, having had an injured dog or two dumped off here, I am much less likely to get all woosey at flesh wounds, though I admit to having a moment when the blood started. Bet I have never run so fast in my life LOL.

So Something That I am Truly Proud of

2009-04-24T12:00:00.001-04:00

See my playlist to the left there? It is filled with songs that I not only love, but I think speak to certain parts of my estrangement.

Fionna Apple - Bad, bad girl

Alanis-Ironic

Alanis-You Live, You Learn

Alanis-One Hand In My Pocket (mislabelled online as Jagged Little Pill)

Annie Lenox-Would I Lie to You

Annie Lenox-Walking on Broken Glass

En Vogue-Free Your Mind

Erika Badu-On and On

Marylin Manson-Tainted Love

Marylin Manson-The Beautiful People

Marylin Manson-Antichris Superstar

Men at Worl-It's a Mistake

Nickelback-This is How You Remind Me

Nick Kershaw-Wouldn't It Be Good

No Doubt-Just A Girl

No Doubt-Underneath It All

Pink-Family Portrait

Pink-Just Like a Pill

What's your musical estrangement score?

It's Almost as Dumb as I Posting Under My Orginal Name at First...

2009-04-24T06:00:00.008-04:00

You BITCH!!! Yeah that's right, I will allow you this one time to scream it out, and scream it loud and proud!

Gale of "God Bless" Gale and motherlode. Looking and talking about her son and daughter in law on estrangements ning site. http://estrangedstories.ning.com/. Likes the bible and is very fond of calling the pot black, as a former kettle herself. (Son and daughter in law, run and run fast and far). Oh she shares her looney bin experience for those of us truly disturbed and needed psychiatric help. Cause there's nothing wrong with her. Bless her little soul. She is just an innocent little bible thumping peach. (seriously daughter in law, stop e-mailing her with anything)

Cheli, who likes to bitch about her daughters pregnancy online to strangers, and the particular details of her daughters life. No unflattering detail left out, and you wonder if this mother even likes her daughter. Her blog entry Fanfreakintastic is a delight, and should scare her daughter straight one way or another. I would personally run from this delightful character, who whines and isn't even estranged.

And then there is Leann whose DAUGHTER apparently has no boundaries LOLOL. Leann who would like other people's daughter in laws to be bitch slapped for supporting their husband in a troubled time.

These mothers on this forum are truly frightening, and think they live in their cocooned private place. Meanwhile, they are quick to either criticize someone for being up front with their story and name initially, and use it as an excuse to hunt them down and "research" them. Can I tell you how truly frightening to have my name posted on the Garden by these freaks.

I like the mother who just wishes that her daughter can not have the children she longs for, so she will see how her mother feels. Charming. Loving. So nice to be supported for such wonderful thoughts at estrangedstories.ning.com. Not at all a narcistic sociopathic audience.

As a narcistic sociopath, I should know. I should also know it's not to bright to broadcast this BITCH'S NAME ALL OVER THE INTERNET. If it weren't for you kids fleeing your homes as if rabid wolverines infested the place, I would say it may be the worst mistake you ever made.

Well, I got your pictures freaks, your story, and who knows perhaps someday your kids phone number and address to point them in the right direction. Then they will look like this:

I really think that when adult estranged children's parents are posting on public forums, (NO I REALLY REALLY HOPE) that their kids find them, and see a bit behind the curtain. It changed my whole outlook on my mother when I saw into hers estrangement.com and snickers.typepad.com. Her more sane and awfully boring ramblings can be found at ginnycaputo.blogspot.com. I am sure that she will be happy when I share that her husband's name is Jim Maxwell, and I am pretty certain he was neutered quite some time ago.

What a Dumb Ass I Am

2009-04-23T13:03:00.002-04:00

Duh, shut off the profile thingy. OMG seriously, the one upside to having demented stoopid people following you, is you discover the dumb ass bread crumbs you have given them to follow.

Geez Louise, give me the award today for accidentally broadcasting my picture in a bikini to all of Facebook (figured that one out within seconds, fingers never moved so fast), and forgetting that even though I emptied my profile did not mean that the friggin link left my blogs.

Hey I am a dumb ass. Deal. I am a dumb ass that does not have a stick inserted in any orifice though, and that's gotta count for something, right?

Um, never look in google or yahoo images for dumb ass pictures.

67.235.2

2009-04-23T12:45:00.005-04:00

No I didn't just find religion and pick a bible verse to share. This is one of the temptations. The stooopid people. Hey moron, do us all a favor and at least pretend to be searching the web for this page, rather than just typing in the address.

You are less likely to get your knickers all knotted up in your ass crack if you just don't read certain things.

I Am Ready For The Religious Freaks!

2009-04-23T08:35:00.007-04:00

CAUTION: THERE ARE CERTAIN WORDS THAT INSURE THE NUTTERS OUT THERE FIND YOU. RELIGIOUS [ANYTHING] WOULD BE ONE. I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH MY SITEMETER FOR THE SEARCHES THAT PICK THIS UP.

When we lived in the city, we had a "bible thumping door knocker" at least every week . My favorite when three Stick Lodged Firmly Up My Ass ladies came to save us from the sins that caused my mother-in-law to be dying. I can't imagine what would have happened if my husband had answered the door!! Be assured, the words coming out of my mouth contained neither "God" nor "bless" and my Dobermans were likely sitting behind me in the doorway (no one knows they don't know the proper meaning of "kill the religious nuts")

When we moved to a more remote location, where many dogs are regularly in my house or my yard (waiting for the command to attack), I thought we had skirted both the religious freaks and the kids that used to be bussed into our neighborhood on Halloween.

But a book thumping biddy not only went half a mile into my property, but opened a door where I was housing dogs to put in the very literature that could have saved me. We are idiots that do not lock our doors here, where no one could hear our screams. Instead, I strategically know where instruments of death may be found to beat someone to death, and ask questions later. Just a few more inches, and this lady would have found herself on the receiving end of a Caphalon frying pan (husband doesn't like that one anyway). It would have taken me awhile to search through the bloody remains to pick up the stick and literature to figure out who she was....Oops. My bad.

So now it's sunny and not so cool out, and the little church mouses must be poking their heads out of their hidey holes. Luckily the ice storms have provided sticks a plenty for ass installation. Their little lips on their face go into the typical pucker as well.

But this year, since it is a safety issue, I have my bible with upside down cross, face chicken with head cut off as my prop, and bloody butcher knife at the ready at the door. Oh yeah baby, I am on the look out. I am not going to wait until they knock this year, I will through my stuff on, stagger out of my house, and start zigzagging and doing all sorts of crazy shit on their ass.

I mean, it's better than the frying pan solution, right?

Oh, F It, The Blog Is Not The Problem

2009-04-21T21:08:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite blogs made me realize that if I do delete this blog, I will have nowhere to post my vile profane musings. I really do need a place to swear like a lumberjack and be creative.

No other blog that I have does the job. One is my business blog, one is my horror movie blog, and one is my "life is good" blog. Just got a little freaked at all the little follower zombies.

So Fug It!!! I am back and God bless everyone:) If you think I am disturbed, I probably am and might know where you live. Just saying. F with me all you want, cause I will F right back.

My Father-Goodbye Again Just a Formality

2009-04-18T17:31:00.003-04:00

I look at this picture, and wonder if he liked our parrot at all. I doubt it. To him "it's a just a dog" or "it's just a cat". In fact a kitten in a picture in the photo album I have was put to sleep because we were moving when I was four or so. I am sorry I ever asked about that picture when I was older.

We did not share the same thoughts on animals. I don't think he likes or liked anything that he could not control, unless it was also male.

I sort of know where this came from in his upbringing, but all the same even if my grandparents tried to control through intimidation, they never would go through with it. They loved enough to adjust and accept......eventually.

My father is great with other people. He's a great host (unless you spill something) and he likes a good party. He has always gotten along great with his siblings. I assume he loved my grandmother though he got frustrated with her a lot, and had his own feelings about the reason for his birth. He also had the same entitlement that my grandmother had (but earned).

Not convinced he ever did like kids, unless they were gifted. He was a teacher and later a principal. Sadly his racism came out when he talked about the parents of the kids, yet I was brought up not to be racist or sexist. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized both of my parents kinda are!! And that was fine, so was my grandmother and that was there "thing", but it was just weird how they had pretended during my childhood. I am grateful for that however, as I believe tolerance and acceptance is the way to be. Whether my father believed it for himself or not, that is what was taught to me. It has stuck.

Not having been a stellar student in school himself, that did not stop him from judging others. I often wonder if he resented my mother's Masters degree at Clark University. She did much better than he did, but he still thought everyone else should be gifted. He also felt he knew all about psychology due the the introductory courses that he took at Worcester State. These were often brought up to me as the reason I must be wrong about my own thoughts and feelings.

Third grade is when my father disappeared from my life. Before then there were camping trips as a family, and shared moments. The moment I got a crush on my third grade teacher, Mr Sullivan, the resentment grew. It grew because I was getting my own ideas. It couldn't even wait until I was an adult. This too gave me the strength that I have needed, and that I have today. To forge forward and think for myself came from this emotional and verbal abuse. I don't think I will thank him for it, just acknowledge that it had an effect on my character that it might not have for another person.

My dad once gave me a teddy bear as a thank you, as his therapist told him he should do that when I was doing chores. That was nice, but that sort of thing was short lived. I don't think a one time thing was quite what the therapist meant. He tried it though.

When I turned 17 or so, he brought me out for a nice dinner with my friend. My mother must have already left, and he must have been trying to make it feel like a nice family. Also, he had gotten us Duran Duran tickets earlier on. He did notice what music I liked.

I never did get him though. I am not trying to list my complaints here, I am actually attempting (albeit poorly) to point out the positives in the relationship. He really doesn't like woman, and I do happen to be one:(