Talking About Dear John Letters

If you click on my category "e-mail is forever" you will see another "dear john" letter to my donor. We were just talking about this on another board. When you make the decision to break away, what do you say? (I am a poet and didn't know it).

I found another "dear john" letter to my donor as follows:

No harm has been done, I just didn't want any lasting "confusion" to be on my part at all. If you are unclear on my reasons, I wanted to reiterate what they were again.

I know how it feels to hurt over these familial problems. I was quite hurt (when my request to let this house sale be a non-problem was not honored by either of you. I was further hurt when you both insisted on revisiting it, knowing that Robert's mom was dying. It was pretty crushing to me, because although I believed you both to be selfish and controlling, I thought in the end that my plea to be left alone during this extremely painful portion of me and Rob's life would be respected. Not only did you both bother him during a stressful time (he won't say this but I will), but you made this selling of our personal property so much more than that. It didn't need to be. I am sorry the other e-mails hurt you, but I wanted you to know this was not the only incident that was making me feel completely disrespected and uncared for. It would have been pretty bad even if this was the only incident.

I had never meant to tell either of you these things, as the past is the past. I am not going to change the person you are, or who Betty Ann is. It would be an exercise in futility, but I can control how I allow myself to be treated and what my boundaries are. There is no denying that. I have gone through enough pain about this in my life.

Finally, you furthered the hurt by not allowing us to just work on our relationship, but again insisting on jamming Betty Ann down my throat as you did 18 years ago. I should have never given in to you then, and we would either be beyond this point now, or we wouldn't have talked since. And I further take responsibility for repairing the breach with Betty Ann when her mother died. I gave her the idea that she could still do this, but she used to be a lot more subtle about it.

Parents during estrangement say "I didn't know this, therefore it's your fault". According to the above, to an extent that is true. However, just because you don't know that someone doesn't like to be verbally and emotionally abused does not mean that you have the right to continue to do that. Also, when I stood up for myself in the past, you made my life miserable, and the only way I have been able to cope for the last 18 years is to make as few waves as possible. I also don't like to be the B word that Betty Ann is very comfortable being. It doesn't make for nice relationships for me, and these are relationships I shouldn't have to fight that hard for. I know because I have them and other people have them, it is quite possible to disagree; respect anothers wishes, respect their different beliefs, respect their different values, and still love them (through actions not words) as a cherished family members.

Until this incident, I have treated both of you as cherished family members. Both of your disrespect, not subsequent e-mails, has hurt me deeply and caused a relationship with you to be impossible for me. If at some point, you can see this "condition" that you demand is not acceptable, we may be able to talk (I realize this would require you to make an unselfish act on your part). As is, please do not contact me again.

I accept your apology below. I am going to work on my business again now, and continue enjoying the life and people in it that I am lucky to have, and show me the same.

Robin

Memories and Thoughts

I don't know why this memory popped into my head. I remember when the S Donor was a teacher at St Nicholas school in Worcester. He taught two grades, and classrooms joined together. There was a cool playfort in the classroom.

I used to pretend to get sick at school, so my S Donor would pick me up, and I would get to be in HIS classroom. I think the reason that I liked this, was this was the person that I did not see at home often. I certaintly did not see this person after the third grade, when I started forming my own opinions.

He had fun with his students, and he seemed fun to me there. It's a side of him that I never saw again as I got older, and of course I started getting in trouble for pretending to be sick so I could go to work with him. I am glad I did, as it is one memory that I like of him. I don't remember him teaching though, which is odd as I am sure he was. I think I retained the memory of what I liked most about him at that time.

Dr Phil has had many family shows on, the most recent being on controlling parents. I think that hit home, and then they were talking about school and controlling parents, and this memory popped up. I hadn't remembered or thought about it for the longest time.

Bully and Controlling, One and The Same?

A bully was featured on the Dr Phil show that I watched Thurs, and put the links up on my Friday Fishing blog. I recognized a lot of my S Donor in this guy, though he may not have been as blatant about it. So I find myself thinking are bullies and control freaks one and the same?

Dictionary definitions of bullying The Hyper dictionary: http://www.hyperdictionary.com/search.aspx?define=bullying1. [n] the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something2. [adj] noisily domineering; tending to browbeat others Synonyms: blustery, domineering, intimidation See Also: aggression, frightening, terrorising, terrorising

Chambers Dictionary noun (bullies) a person who hurts, frightens or torments weaker or smaller people. verb (bullied, bullying) 1. to act like a bully towards someone; to threaten or persecute them. 2. (usually bully someone into something) to force them to do something they do not want to do.

***picked up the above from http://sangrea.net/bully/bullying_defintion.php

Twenty signs of a controlling relationship, taken from this site:

1. Rough Treatment: A Controller will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male Controllers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female Controllers often slap, kick, and even punch their male partners when upset.
2. Quick Attachment and Expression: The Controller has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to a Controller is how quickly he or she says, “I Love You,” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point - it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship, because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause a Controller to detach from you as quickly as they committed. A Controller typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
3. Frightening Temper: A Controller has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to “witnessed violence” - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although a Controller quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you, but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence: A Controller repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard,” unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly, as though you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
5. Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. A Controller feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. A Controller begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, a Controller will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, a Controller will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. A Controller then tells you they are treating you badly again, and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle: A Controller cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow a Controller to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. A Controller often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
7. It’s Always Your Fault: A Controller blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly, it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male Controller drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. A Controller tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. A Controller never, repeat “never,” takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them, it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not him) as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
8. Breakup Panic: A Controller panics at the idea of breaking up, unless it’s totally their idea, then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female Controllers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area, as though you will be responsible for those decisions. A Controller offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!” They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative Controllers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male Controller technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female Controller technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner), and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back, you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of Controller - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
9. No Outside Interests: A Controller will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.
10. Paranoid Control: A Controller will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some Controllers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech Controllers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night, a Controller will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows Controller to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
11. Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, Controller will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with Controller too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in Controller.
12. It’s Never Enough: A Controller convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
13. Entitlement: A Controller has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, Controller feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what a Controller is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. A Controller will tell you they are jealous of the “special love” you have, and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them, eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. A Controller will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to, even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
15. Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. A Controller tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and, in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts, because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
16. The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time a Controller has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap, you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment, that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
17. The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. A Controller may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit - you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. A Controller may actually brag about their reputation as a “butt kicker," “womanizer," “hot temper,” or “being crazy.” They may tell you stories where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, a Controller will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with Controllers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of a Controller, it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
18. Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with a Controller continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself “walking on eggshells” in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of a Controller. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone, exactly what a Controller wants, no interference with their control or dominance.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A Controller is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. A Controller is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
20. They Make You “Crazy”: A Controller operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If a Controller is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm, you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female Controllers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are “going crazy,” it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as “normal behavior” in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from a Controller before permanent psychological damage is done.

I guess the main difference is a bully is out to upset you. There is nothing you could do that would please them more than being upset.

A control freak wants to upset you whenever you veer from their desires. This can seem innocent enough at first, as in "just do it and he/she will get off your back". But, as I linked to in DR Phil's post, (but they called this a bully) it slowly or quickly sucks the life force out of you, as you can never live your life for them. And that is what they totally want.

Thursday Thirteen (13) Thirteen Ways Controlling Parents Manipulate

Here are thirteen ways that controlling parents will use to manipulate you:

1. "You will not be in our will" or threats of being disinherited.. Now this is pretty humorous in my family, as we are products of a family that went through the great depression. My family was poor in other words, and is not quite the Roosevelt family, if you know what I mean. Even if they were the Roosevelt family, I have not been waiting around for parents and grandparents to die in order to inherit or survive. I have not been scheming of ways to get real estate signed over to me, so that nursing homes can't take it when they are later old, and instead it would revert back to me. Go figure, huh? However, my S Donor and Step Monster have been very involved in seeing to it that "stuff" comes to them from their parents demise. My father used to always say "you and your step brother will get the summer house" as a way to keep his control over me. This never worked because 1) Andy is like his mother and I don't want the house especially if I am going to have to adhere to his "rules" and 2) They are in debt, so to pay off the estate you would have to put money in anyway. Enjoy it, I urge my step brother. The price is too high, and I am just not interested.


2. Withholding affection. There were always pictures of my step brothers around the house, but never mine. My S Donor's co-workers had no idea he even had a daughter as he never talked about me. When I was moving up in corporate America, suddenly the S Donor wanted something to do with me.


3. Triangulation. A third party speaking on behalf of another, so that other does not need to confront the problem, but can make the one spoken to feel guilty.


4. So that brings up, of course, guilt. So if you confront your bully, things are said like "it makes me feel so bad that you said that" while ignoring what was said or apologizing for it. They would rather make you feel guilty that acknowledgement of their abuse made them feel bad. Then it becomes your problem again if you let them. Course it could be guilt over an infinate number of this (not coming home, not allowing them into every nook and cranny of your life, not allowing them to have financial involvement in your affairs)


5. Making it hard or uncomfortable for your family to see you. This is done by talking behind your back, and spreading lies especially if you are not doing the same. If you are being fair about not talking behind one's back, they will take advantage and do it. They have no caring that they are making others feel uncomfortable, they only care about themselves. This is not to say that others should not be accountable for their own actions or decisions.


6. Threatening to withhold college tuition and other finances when you are young, and not quite ready to be out on your own OR not faced the fact that you need to cut the ties NOW.


7. Threatening to cut you off emotionally if you don't make the decision in the way they want you to make it. Most children from families like this don't realize this really could be the biggest gift to you, and you will not be able to count on most parents like this later.


8. (related to triangulation) Will try to get the confidence of a spouse or best friend to argue their position for them OR to try and turn them against you. If you have a good spouse and best friend, this does not usually work, and is only quite annoying.


9. Try to keep control by giving things of financial or material value.


10. Early on from childhood, they try to instill the sense that you will never survive without them, and that any seperation from them would certaintly ruin your life.


11. Will not respect your boundaries. Even when told what they are, they will find excuses not to respect one boundary.


12. You only hear from them or receive affection when they want something from you.


13. Your pressence at family gatherings is only requested for appearances or to be the transportation for someone else. You are never valued unless you reflect what they want appropriately or can do something "useful" for them.

Some additions:

• Critical of your appearance and/or clothes which are never good enough (or posture or skin condition as with S Donor) so as to let you know that you are not worth anything. It doesn't matter that your parent may not exactly be a runway model.


• Critical of your spouse or any healthy friendships or relations that you may have. They should be the center of your world.


• Allows others to abuse you emotionally, verbally or physically to let you know that you deserve it, while not getting THEIR hands dirty.


• Never actually apologizes for anything without putting an addendum, excuse, or critisism of you into it.

My Post On Healing From Family Rifts

(I hate that things I copy and paste from boards turn out like this---formatting problems. Also, this was written to a woman who is receiving info third hand from family members, and these were my thoughts on that and my experiences with it).

I decided for my self not to do the "triangulation thing" anymore.If someone called me on my dad's behalf, much to his dismay, I picked up the phone and called him directly. If someone had something to say from the monster (like my, er dad), I ended the conversation with him and called her. I got it right from the arses, er horses, mouth so to speak. It cleared up a lot of things for me. It made m erealize that it is all a game to them.They want to look good in front of other people. Their actions towards me are obviously not good. So they need to say things, not in my pressence, to make them look good. They are not meant for me,they are meant for their audience.

I have heard the "other" things they say too, which does not put them in a positive light to anyone.It's been a big eye opener to me re: who my family really is. It's a bit different with others here, in that my relationships were never close or positive with my "parents". Or the monster----understatement of the year. So there is no positive "thing" to cleave to, and when you combine that with their disrespect and clearly not respecting certain boundaries in particular, it is a no brainer for me NOW. This wasn't so before in my life, where I didn't realize how this "molding" of myself in what I thought were these isolated situations, changed me in ways that I did not want(shy, untrusting, low self esteem as far as my place i nmy "family").Truthfully, even messages from the arses, er horses, mouth are ignored by me (not that they have come recently) at this point as I read between those lines.

My cousin said how sad he felt my father was in that the legacy he was leaving behind was an only child that hated him. I said, yes it's the legacy he regrets (and which he made for himself by the way) NOT the loss of a daughter. It's the outward appearance and how that makes HIM look ONLY. The fact that it's so blatantly obvious and indefensible that his and the monster's treatment of me is something you would give your worst foe not a "loved one". I can't make that right for them, they did it, and it's theirs. I will not feel guilty either for being born or finally drawing my line in the sand. Sorry, not going to happen for you. These are the messages I get in the triangle. I just tell mycousin, I know these people, and I know they are not for me. Feel free and enjoy their company and hospitality, but don't think you will convince ME that they are good people.

Anyway, the triangulation subject hit close to home, clearly LOL.As for what Ann should do? There has been excellent advice to look inward to what you want. How do you want to handle it? What do you think are the right circumstances for you? No rush.

Friday Estrangement Blog Fishing

Real Estate Family Feuds (sound familiar?)

Rememberances of A Mother

Is That Obituary Misleading (this struck me because there are two obituaries of my actual relatives where my step brother, but not me was listed-----nice-----by the way I do love my step brother who died at 18 or 19) Note: glad to know this has happened to others and not just me!!!!

Uncle's Death Found Out About Months Later

Defining Ones Self

The Religious Connection

A Mother's Bid to Prevent a Marriage Fails

The Other Woman

Living Well Is The Best Revenge

John Lennon's Long Lost Half Sister

Overwhelmed and Overworked

Screwed Up Messages

My husband was shocked to hear the word "vulva" on a show I was watching the other day. I thought to myself, my we are so repressed in some ways. I mean, come on, what is the big deal. Course it is a tricky subject, and I guess not all parents deal with it well. Perhaps in our society there is no good way to deal with it? But it got me thinking about my own weird mixed messages growing up in my household.

The education started for me when I was five or so. The book and detailed explanations of what would happen to me every month once I became a teenager. Better than no advanced warning, but I was pretty horrified, and remember thinking then, I am never going to have kids, so why does my body need to do this (ie either being violated LOL or having my monthly friend). It was also explained that the Donors do this by the E Donor. Great. So that started explaining the occaisional noises next door, as my room was always destined to be right next to theirs.

(Now I should note, the S Donor, nor anyone from that way has visited this blog since, uh, the tampon/feminine napkin post, which was sort of the point of that post LOL)

From early on, I remember arguments of where the E Donor might throw away her, er, feminine products. From before I hit puberty, and somehow I still thought "what is the big deal" although some girls get to feel dirty for this. I know I have not been the only one to have to deal with a repressed asshole for an S donor. Um, why not have seperate closeable baskets in the bathroom if you truly can't take it. Jeez. Grow the F up grownups. If I was the E Donor, I would have been taping tampons up around the house like decorations until he shut the F up. Actually, no, I wouldn't have been married to him in the first place.

The E Donor was the more liberal one, I guess sexually and in other ways. I think the non racist or sexist ideas mainly came from her, and in no way from the S Donor. I was shocked to later learn what a racist sexist he was, but I think that is because we never really had a real conversation. We both pissed each other off so much, that we never did dig beneath the skin to the true human. If we had, I most likely would have been estranged at age 19, and that might have been better for me. Maybe not though, as I might have more doubts than I do now about the type of person he is. The mistake might be made to now seek him out, and go through a whole bunch of shit that I really don't need right now. Life's hard and short enough. You know what I mean? In no way do either of them contribute anything positive.

So back to mixed messages, the S Donor kept an extensive collection of Playboys in the bathroom (the only bathroom by the way) which makes me only now realize what else he was probably doing in there other than "reading" them. Ick. But very early on, I knew they were there and used to read them. I got to see the Caligula episode well before was appropriate, as well as one issue where a grown yet "height challenged" woman dressed up like a little girl in a nightmare sequence. Might have been Penthouse too, they were both in there.

Yet sex was inherently bad, and nothing I should do according to the S Donor. Meanwhile the E Donor had the Hite (sp?) reports out, and encouraged the reading of such stuff. So bad, good? Am I supposed to enjoy it later? Mainly I thought, yeah it was something to look forward to. The S Donor did not have that much pull with me, as, especially when I hit puberty, he was a complete dickhead. I am convinced now that I was paying for their bad relationship for a long time, and he was taking it out on me.

Not to mention the "sex" arguments that I got to hear in depth through the house. Yippee, surely every kids dream. I think what I learned from that though, is the core relationship is really important or NOTHING will be good. If you don't like the person, if you shouldn't be with the person, no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing in the relationship is ever going to be good. Unfortunately, they are both such superficial people, I am not sure either of them will ever understand that or how it affects other relationships.

I am happy for who I am, I also know how these things have negatively affected me. That does not mean I am "blaming" my parents per say, but trying to understand what additional work that I need to do and where things stem from. I am repressed in some things, much like my husband sometimes . Luckily, we talk about these things, and it's no big deal and we can laugh and tease each other. I guess it's normally for all of us to be repressed to an exent, you think? Just growing up through the 80s, will make you feel a little less sexually "free" to experiment.

So do we/I need to get unrepressed? Am I really unrepressed already? Then with age, your drive goes kaploey sometimes. Age and health actually. Depressing, but true. So I am probably pretty much normal in both my mixed messages and feelings during this point in my life. You think? I dunno, just thoughts that rolled around after my husbands dismay at hearing the word "vulva". (and now I will undoubtedly get a whole bunch of weird people reading this post. every now and then, look up the key words that people use to find your post, and you may be a bit dismayed). So regarding my note, perhaps I am repressed?

Happy Birthday to You

So my aunt is over at my father's house. It's her birthday weekend, and they have been there all week.

It's sort of hurtful to know that your relatives wouldn't try to get together with you for a lunch or something. It's not like she was just over for a day or an hour.

I know the Step Monster makes it clear that she doesn't want anyone visiting me. And that is fine and all, cause I don't blame her. We are all adults and can make our own decisions.

I have never been that close to this aunt, but she is a part of my past. I have nostalgic memories of her, and I guess that is all I am ever going to know of her. Perhaps I should be thankful. I may remember her in a better light than she actually is.

It makes me feel dirty somehow though, that someone would do that knowing that I have expressed and given an invitation to do lunch sometime. How little someone must think of me!!

Friday Fishing

It's been a really lovely summer so far. It's been pretty decent days of the high 70s, so not hot and not cold, sunny, great breezes, hinting of fall but not even nearly into it yet. And so my mood has been way to good to be brooding over my estranged family. And an unfortunate incident in my closer family, without blood relation, is having me be a bit focused on that more. So I bring to you, other people's angst this week!!!

An Individual's Story From Another Country

Themes of Estrangement and Child Abuse in Science/Fantasy Epic Novels

Problems with A Brother Who Does Not Have Social Skills

Sarcastic Commentary with Estrangement as Family Management

Post to Healing from Family Rifts Board on Avoidance and Dog World

I really appreciated a couple of posts here, especially as it related to a recent experience not DIRECTLY related to family estrangement but touching on some skills and realizations I came to regarding myself and my reactions to things.

My dad is incredibly passive aggressive and controling, so Idid "avoid" that most of my life after being beaten down (not physically but emotionally and verbally) over and over again for expressing my beliefs, feelings or emotions. This has leaked over into other aspects of my life.

I am a dog trainer, and people like Lisa, I also consider part ofthe dog world. The dog world is made up of very big hearted people with equally big opinions and prickly (understatement here)personalitities. The dog training and dog world is becoming more and more my family, AND it's a family in which you don't want to isolate someone important in spite of their "prickly" nature sometimes. Some of these people spend so much time with dogs, tha tthey may not have the appropriate human responses at times.

At this dog event I was at, I may have misinterpretted another's genuine like for seeing me and making a honest mitake in bringing up a painful subject for malice. I don't know this for sure, but was talking to a mutual dog person, and it made me see that I may have misinterpretted her actions, repressed it, and then come down hard after I came home from the seminar. In the past, I would have neither talked openly to this person nor to my friend/teacher/ and mentor about it. I would have simply avoided it and have it fester.

At the seminar, I don't honestly think I could have addressed it in front of the class to this person without completely blowing up right there. Her response back, if it is as represented by my friend and mentor, may have softened my response, but anything else other than an apology for bringing this up at the seminar would have set me off. See, we both volunteered training at the same shelter awhile ago. We both fell in love with the same dog, Jordan. I had a dog that was going to pass away from heart disease within immediately to a year. He had a good quality of life until his very last day, so euthanizing him for me, was not an option nor was bringing in a new stressor into his environment, though I would have killed to have Jordan be my dog eventually. I couldn't in all conscious ask them to "hold" Jordan there for me either.

Well, I had to leave volunteering eventually to be closer to home for my dog, and I was growing my business so I got very very busy.And, an incident, which I won't go into, happened at DRU to cause this person to leave. I had never enjoyed working with her or thought she was a particularly good person around dogs, and she seemed very jealous of me and my success with dogs. So I was friendly when I saw her at dog events, but only enough so I would't look like a complete witch in front of other people. In other words, I didn't encourage a friendship, but never really told her why. I always felt she was gunning for me, and I did in fact find out about something that she wrote about me on a public dog training board,which sounded both like she was missing me and dissing me at the same time.

See she didn't realize I was out there training in public already when I was talking to people, as I did not share that info with her, and she felt I was talking to others without the experience of handling dogs/clients one on one. I felt and still feel that out of jealousy she was trying to hurt me. So in the first few minutes of the seminar, she made a bee line for me, and announced Jordan was put to sleep, that noone thought to call me, and despite my telling her that I did not want to discuss this at this time (this was an important 9 hour a day, three day seminar to get through, and I had to force not dwelling on this at the time, though I felt like she just balled up her fist and slammed me in the gut). The next day, she AGAIN brought Jordan up, and how he wasn't the right dog for me. Again, I just immediately and obviously changed the subject, turned away from her, and just cut her right there.You might imagine, I was repressing and getting angrier and angrierat the time.

After the seminar, I got home and found some pictures of Jordan and the flood gates opened. Saturday night and all Sunday, I sobbed and sobbed for my good friend, though two years had passed since he passed. To me, thinking that he had found his home and been happy,it was like it happened that day, and that I had left him at the shelter just recently. It was horrible.

However, I did confront the situation rather at that time with theperson involved. I have not heard from her, and my intial comments were rather harsh, and MAYBE undeserved. I could not get her on the phone, but did let her know through e-mail, both before how dissappointed that I was in her to assault me so, and then after that I apologized IF I misinterpretted her actions. I am not so niave to give her the full benefit of the doubt. However, if I was wrong, doubtless we will hug and cry together and go on as a strong force in the dog training world.

See, in this world, it is so important to stick together because of the deterioration, thanks to the Animal Rights (as opposed to welfare) movement in the industry. if we don't stick and work together, we will be gone, and we all have something to offer. If I am right,there will be no hugging and crying , but at least I both let her know my feelings, and opened up the door to reconcile and not be afraid of me when we next meet.

Without dealing with my own family estrangement, I don't know that Iwould have had the strength to say that, nevermind to say out loud in the seminar "I do not wish to discuss this with you at this point". I have learned that while we need to act like adults,holding in your true feelings and not dealing with the issues does nothing to improve your relationships.Sorry for the long and boring post , but I wanted to share this reak thru moment for me as well.

DJ Seems To Be Alive and Well

I was so happy to see my father's dog, DJ, at the summer house. So apparently they have learned to house train him, and have him behaving well in a condo environment.

I guess he hasn't been trained well enough to be around other family members during events, and that is why he has been missing from the house.

The Weight Posting Thingy

I WILL NOT NEGLECT MY BLOGS

I WILL NOT NEGLECT MY BLOGS

I WILL NOT NEGLECT MY BLOGS

Okay, confession time, I have slipped on the weight thingy. Actually, it's more that I have maintained and slipped on the exercise which is inexcusable. So it's time to get on the bandwagon again. The thing is, those family "issues" really make me go for the food and liquor, which are both fattening and horrid. And once you go for the food and liquor, you feel all bloated and sleepy and not like exercising, which is ridicoulous, because if I would just keep to the exercise program, I would be at my ideal weight in no time at all, well before next summer, and I should have been there for this summer.

Troublesome Tuesday

I have been trying to stay away from blogging and the computer to get some work done, and still not getting the work done. Been obsessing a little too much about the S Donor and Monster being one street over and apparently settling in for the rest of the summer. Ugh.

Not to mention that the "rescheduled" father's day so my family was up. We got to see my Aunt and Florida cousins for like 5 minutes. Mostly because the monster apparently had a "negative reaction" when they mentioned they would try to get up to see me. Making them feel it was necessary to see me on the sly only on the way out. I wonder how the monster lives with herself in the evenings. She has apparently been revamping stories to where I attacked her for no reason twenty years ago. The monster is a piece of work.

You would think it's enough that she has dad all to herself like she always wanted. Now she wants to control my other relatives too. The thing is, for one trying so hard to do that, it must seem obvious that she has a lot to hide, and answer for.

We went to say hi to my cousin Rich at the beach, and she was there. She looks like she has gained more weight. Diabetes doesn't do so well the heavier you get. I like what one therapist says about wearing unresolved troubles in your weight. Mostly because I am loosing and getting healthier while she is gaining. All's not right in paradise over there----Que surprise!!!

All her side was there and my step brother, Andy, and her sister, Carol, all looked away when I looked over. Guess they didn't want to say hi LOL.

The S donor must have been at the house with Louise, Andy's wife, and Andy, Carol's husband. Rich was the only person from our family there. Crappy day too, fitting.

Heaven forbid they have missed father's day. Hey, happy father's day, S Donor. Anyone give you an "appropriate" card. I should have done the appropriate father's day card inserts and poetry this year. Well, there is always next year.

Tradition or Trap?

My family had many things that are considered tradition. Christmas was one of them. There were the core people that you would expect there each year. In the beginning, this included more of my grandmother and grandfather's siblings and their kids. As the family got bigger and bigger and more involved, it broke up a bit. That was when I was a little girl.

Later on it was generally almost always my grandparents kids and their kids each year. My great grandmother too until she died when I was 9 or so. There was the little and big Christmas tree that we would decorate, until one year Grampa got the idea to just keep the tree decorated but covered with a cloth down in the basement LOL. So things did change, but the core of the holiday never did.

Until......recently. I have not been there, and it has not been as well attended by others anymore. But really in my later adult years, it was more a trap than a welcome tradition. In my younger years, I looked forward to it more than anything, as it was one of the few times I would see my cousins. Now of course, we are all old and can drive and see each other whenever we want to. Some of us live farther apart, and so that was the reason that I attended the anniversary party (in addition to congradulating my aunt and uncle on 50 years of wedded bliss) to see everyone.

It's been nice to part with the tradition or "putting up the mask" as it seemed every year. I got so grumpy before going. I didn't used to know why really, but my husband did. I wish then I had gotten to know my grandmother and other family members outside that "fake and artificial" environment. "See everything is great, we meet for Christmas". BS.

At least between me, the S donor, and the monster.

In general, I like tradition. The familiar is always nice to go to, when it's ripe with true good feelings and wishes. Sometimes tradition can become a trap to keep you in your place. To not accept that things have changed, or people's behaviors need to change with the growth of their children into adults. Then tradition has outgrown it's usefulness, and needs reavaluating.

Bullet Points to Explain To Those Family Members Who Have Not Talked to Me About It

It's been since October 2005 since I have spoken to my father ie the S donor as I now enjoy (very mean spiritedly I admit, but have to get my angst out somehow) calling him. But to other relatives, they just realized this is going on. Course, I am almost sure they were not directed to this site for explanation LOL. Though that would explain my father's blogging outburst, and there were some lookie lous from FL and NH right before.

And then, you are trying to have some grace and tact when explaining, without it getting ugly or too specific. Sometimes with people you know very well, it is good to let it all out. These guys hang out with my S Donor and Monster more often. So they have a friendship with them, that I wouldn't wish to nor can destroy.

So picking the words and explanations that describe yet are not too specific are sort of difficult. Probably not a good time to call the step a "C U Next Tuesday" or my father the Sperm Donor. Though, those are both ways I feel. It's not particularly nice, but it's been the one way I have been able to allow them to feel just a little of the hurt that I felt for years. Probably not the healthiest way to act out in the long run, but I am indulging a bit for now. Next year, perhaps that kind of vocabulary when talking about this won't feel so necessary to me.

• Not allowed to express anger, disappointment, or expectations to my father without it being all about him. The reverse in regards to me is not true of course, he is allowed to do all those things. For me though, I never have and need to express things now. It's not okay for me for him to just shrug it off and say get over it. Although just an "I am sorry" without his excuses would have been fine in the beginning.


• My childhood was awful, and the parental relationship of my adulthood was negatively affecting other things (ie the family that is immediate that I love, and the family that was married into that I love, my business, my ability to focus on problems as they come up instead of inevitably focusing on what my father wants the focus to be at that point---which only seems guaranteed to come up when their is a crisis that I need to attend to).


• I want my adult hood to be as full as possible. I do not feel that is possible with either of my parents in it. In that they provide only negative and nothing positive to the relationship.


• I have a condition that I need to take care of, bipolar. While I don't blame them for it, it does become more difficult to control the down swings when that constant pressure is on to be everything they want, while getting nothing in return.


• They are unable to take "no" for an answer.


• There is no respect or love in the relationship beyond the moving of the jaw or typing on a keyboard to say "I love you", which by actions, as far as I can see does not mean love as I know and define it.


• Plenty of chances were given for dad to back off or talk to me. He wanted his own rules instilled, he is no longer in charge. If he wants a relationship with me, he will also have to give and compromise to the one or two things that I want. He is also not entitled to have the no boundaries relationship with me that he is trying to mandate. He has not earned the right to have that kind of relationship with me, and has abused that power in the past. I also had given in about the step as far as having a relationship with her, and discussing her with him, only to have him abuse that power over and over as well.


• Both of them feel the need to have third party conversations with me. My father says "if this is the only way we can talk" on my blog. The fact is I CALLED HIM ON THE PHONE, I CALLED BETTY ANN ON THE PHONE TO TALK TO THEM PERSONALLY. I MADE A DATE AT A PARK TO TALK PERSONALLY TO DAD THAT HE COMPLETELY BLEW OFF. I sent a Christmas card to my dad that he admits to ripping up, and did not send me any card. I sent a Thanksgiving greeting to my father, to which he never explained why he did not respond. So er, I have been making the effort.


• He has not taken ownership for his actions with his BS apology that only says he did not mean to hurt me deliberately. He can't just say he is sorry.


• Both of them were completely disrespectful and unwanted during a funeral for my mother-in-law, where the step barrelled through the greeting line stomping past me in a spectacle at the funeral. At my anger over the incident, my father could not believe how I was overreacting. It was really a polite letter that just said her presence was not wanted, and in the future to await an invite before attending any of MY family events, especially since she could not act respectfully in public.


• I have thought of no reasons OTHER THAN placating my father to start up a relationship.


• At the recent anniversary party, the only difference from being estranged and not being estranged was the fifteen minutes of stilted conversation, in which my father would ignore me or stare off during most of it, and the fact that I didn't need to hide (though I didn't do any demos for anyone) that I did not like them.

Thoughts in The Morning and During a Bike Ride

---I went to the Adult Children of Narcistic parents board, and was shocked to find a discussion on parents who use pets against their children. It so parralled my dad's own post to my blog, and my reply that he neglected and killed off OUR pets rather than take care of them, give them to me, or find them an appropriate home!! I didn't know this was something that parents like this actually did, sometimes with glee!! That was shocking to me that people could be so knowingly and intentionally cruel. And yet, I have experienced it myself.

---I was thinking about how cutting the strings and last vestiges of control have freed up my creative and euntrepeneurial side. I put so much of myself under the surface, that I was afraid to come up, be silly, enjoy myself and take risks. Cutting off those things that shouldn't have been holding me back, but in actuality were, have brought me to the surface. The me that I like who is not obsessing (though it may seem I am through the blog) about her parental or step monster relationships.

So much of me had been held back before, the kind of letting loose of my rage and anger have allowed other more positive things to free up as well. While I would have told you that my parent's "approval" never meant much to me, I think part of me was still holding back to seek for that approval. That approval never came from me following my own path.

Here is the sticking point with me. Yes, I was born, and thatcaused tension between my step and my father. And my father insteadof just being neutral, tried to excuse the unexcuseable actions of mystep, without me prodding for them. Forcing them on me if you will. And we are not talking about one act from her, but manyunforgiveable acts IMO.

It's hard for me to take ownership of that. In fact, I am not taking ownership of that. I have the right to live my own life, beme and be loved or unloved. I don't need to maintain relationships in which I am unloved (by my definition of love).I had deferred for so long, that perhaps my anger and resentmentblind me to my part in it, but I see no way it could have been avoided other than for me to remain subsurvient to it, as I had for my lifetime.I am just flushing stuff out, as the family reunion did bring to theforefront again on whether all could be forgiven on my end.

And nowI remember my train of thought from the beginning of the day LOL (can you say attention deficit disorder).I watched my cousins up there with my parents. There was love,tears, and choked emotions. Knowing the people up there though, I know there are other things as well. So many things in my family are a mask. If they weren't though, how livable would that be? I guess what I am having to say, is estrangement comes from the choice of "can I live with that". Sometimes, you need to wear the mask,and pretend everything is hunky dorey. Only so that the true love can shine through.

In my situation, I guess I believe the "love" is only a mask and nothing at all below the surface except self interest(on my father and steps part).And even that was okay in the relationship as long as certain boundaries were maintained. The ones regarding the death of my mother-in-law in particular, and the sale of my house.Oh, so I guess if I can take responsibility, it's of not drawingthose boundaries early on. I guess when I finally said enough, itwas such a revalation to them that I could and would draw a firm linein the sand. And I was surprised, having not tested this before,that it wasn't immediately comfort and support that was given at this time, and instead they wanted to argue with me about them, our relationship, and the sale of my house.

Then things got ugly LOL. I think without a foundation for me to go back to of any really happy or loving memories of me and my father,it's hard to think it would be worth it to try for anything. The difficulty of keeping a mask up without anything worthwhile to do it for is tiring. The arguing that happens if you say no to something,is tiring. That is what my cousin's divorce reminded me of. When the wife said that the arguing over the place of a pencil made it clear that they needed not to share the same place, and the arguing began happening in front of the children over such things. That really struck a chord because I knew just how she felt.The control in my family is very weird. With gramma, if you put the teacup in the wrong place, she would right it or tell you too, but it really wasn't so controlling. With her children, it's very weird....if you are company never sit in the wrong chair. That is uncle so and sos chair, and no matter who you are, if you didn't live in that house you will be outted from the chair. Saw that happen to my poor husband, Robert, who would make the mistake of sitting down after helping the family clean or make dinner. It's very weird, and apparently this kind of obsessive behavior had made it into their home, where one partner was contolling the placement of everything all the time. There is never any letting go of control for the sake of the relationship.

I wonder if there is a name for a condition like that. If it was my grandma, you could joke with her about it,and kid with her. The kids seem to have taken it father than it was ever meant to go.I have it too. God I hate when my husband puts a dish from one set,where the other set goes. I am not talking about good dishes here. But you know what, it's just not that important. He after all DID the dishes LOL. And he cooks, and helps clean, and brings home the bacon while I pursue my dream of training dogs. It's a partnership and everything can't be all my way, or all his way.My Italian side of the family it's very "you will comply with my wishes". If you are a female spouse or child of someone, you are property well beyond your childhood years. The males never really show any loving emotions. It comes in the form of material goods, that means "love" to them. Or to spend timewith their daughter means you bring them out, but then ignore them or read the paper. And yes, don't forget to tell them their face has a pimple, they are too fat, they are too thin, they didn't graduatefrom the first college that they intended, well into 20 years later.I guess many people live with this, but I find it intolerable. ThenI feel guilty when someone who has been physically or sexually abusedis talking to their parents, because at least my parents did not do that.

Family Anniversary Party Post To Group Board

First of all, I read up on all the posts this morning, and there are some really wonderful posts there. This is such a supporting group, and it's nice to have a place to hash out my feelings. I have found that blogging has helped with this as well.So the party went well. I am so glad I went. It is an hour and forty minute ride each way, and you can probably guess I was having my doubts the whole way there.

Not only were my cousins incredibly welcoming and thanking me for coming, but my aunts and uncles were very loving as well.My dad and step were there. They stayed away from us, except at one moment when I first greeted my uncle, the step couldn't get there fast enough to pull him away for a moment. She couldn't do that all evening though, and so we had many nice conversations anyway, and they are coming up to see the new house this week!! When she came up, I just excused myself and said I would find a moment to talk to him later.

Everyone is finally aware of what is going on, so it was a relief not to have to explain that dad and I weren't talking. Or that me and the step weren't talking. One uncle came by and just asked if we were talking again, and then said it was too bad that we weren't, but not in any kind of judgemental or preachy way that I was expecting. My other uncle and aunt just avoided mentioning it. And my cousin in law did talk to me at length about the generalities of it. It's hard for people who don't live on the inside to understand that this might be better for you. Perhaps they have arguments with their mother that annoy them, and they think the issues that may surround your conflict might be equally as non-hurtful to you. When you come from a loving family that is annoying but not hurtful, it's hard to understand that some families are toxic. They may not be toxic to other family members, it might be that relationship it is poisonous to or that individual.I have been finding similarities in a divorce that is happening within the family. My cousin and his wife started off amicably enough with the divorce. They were going to "nest", which basically means the children are not uprooted, the house is shared, but not necessarily with the divorcing parties in the house at the same time. That did not work out, and predictably, it has gotten angry and bitter. I love my cousin, and I am very fond of his wife too and remain in contact. His wife was actually a foreign exchange student in my aunt and uncles household. So we knew her like my other cousins well before they got married. This has caused a rift between those two families as well, as the parents were best friends for a long, long time. My cousin's wife was closer to my aunt than her own daughter, my other cousin, was!!My cousin's wife feels finally free and since she has been a mother and married since 18, does not want to "cow down" and be the obedient little girl she had been until now. I so see her point. It is sad that all this growing up, and acknowledging feelings, hurts, differences of opinion is causing this rift, that I really hope is short term.And perhaps this is what is having a supportive effect for me with my family. Because believe me, they have their dysfunction, but they also have their loveable side. In my aunt, I see my grandmother's unconditional love, but I also see the pettiness and money mongering there. It's all about finances, and whether that hurts the ones they love, it seems not that important to them. It's also about control. Seeing my dad there, I started to question: why can I love my aunt despite this, and not my father? I guess because my aunt never abused any kind of power over me, would be the answer. I also did not expect unconditional love, as I did from my parents. It's always a nice surprise, like an unexpected Christmas present, if that makes sense. And if I expect differently, if I am absent for awhile, it's not quite the same thing as being absent from your parents.Like Nancy used to not have any hope for her and her mother, I don't for me or my father. He will always make excuses for their behavior to me. I have found that behavior to be unacceptable to me now. I don't have very high standards, but I do have standards on how me and my husband are to be treated. Like respecting us when a relative is dying, and backing off from any issues they may have like wanting my step to sell our house. I would forgive that, if there was anything resembling an apology. Instead what I got was "I guess I hurt you, but I never deliberately meant to do it". How do you not deliberately crash a funeral, stomp by and ignore your daughter or step daughter, and not deliberately argue with her over who will sell her house when her mother in law was dying. It may have been an apology, but it was in no way sincere or took responsibility and ownership for his actions. Better would have been "I am sorry" with a period (.) at the end. Not additional excuses being made. There is no excuse. Anyway, I am still so very angry at them, but being seperated from them has taken a lot of inner turmoil away and angst!! I am much more peaceful now. And when I need to do things like grow my business or be there for a sick relative, I don't need to spend that time expending energy arguing with such a narcistic personality that could care less about me or what I am going through, while expecting absolute devotion from me. Normally, I would have said "hello" to them, but I did not approach them to say hello this time. I am done making that kind of effort, had they come up kindly to me, I would have done the same. What was sort of funny was my husband's face at one point. My uncle was at the same table as them, and it was time for us to leave. We had agreed to leave sort of early in the evening, and plus we had to let the dogs out. So I went up and gave a hug and goodbye to my uncle. My husband's face went white, I don't know why. It's not in my nature to go up and punch someone in the face or something . I don't know what he was thinking I was going to do. It was all fine, dad and the step just turned away when I came up. Robert didn't say goodbye to my uncle because they were sitting next to him LOL. I knew by then that the step was trying so hard to look "good" that she wasn't about to do anything to me (in the open anyway). It was all good. I was glad to have seen my family, spent some time, and made some plans for visits up here.

More Whining and Food For Thought

So on my awesome ocean side bike ride today, meanderings (that you can call whinings) were going through my brain, and so I am just going to regurgitate them here so they no longer haunt my more delightful adventures! By the way, next time I take a bike ride or do something fun and don't bring a camera, feel free to slap me upside the head.

---Okay, there is a dream that I haven't posted. It disturbs me because I don't want a reconciliation with my S Donor as my mind is probably never going to change to believing that he is any kind of human that I want to be involved with. So the following dream really bothers me. I am antiqueing. My husband and I find this one of a kind chair that is modern with bakelite on it from the 50s or 60s. We buy it, and then the son of the guy who made it was just a bit late, and offers to buy it from us. We really don't want to. Then S Donor walks in. The monster has died and he really needs me and is crying. So I fold and forgive him. Ugh, and then I wake up and think to myself "when are you ever fucking going to learn". So there, regurgitated and gone.

----Other thing is when I was told about the monster's recent auto accident, the person paused on the other side of the phone as if expecting me to ask about her condition. I am not heartless, I hope she's not hurt or anything. Really, it's none of my business though. It's like I hope some miscellaneous stranger is not hurt. Only this stranger has been horrible to me, and has intentionally tried to hurt me, so I don't think I need to be there for her or the S Donor. In fact, I would be an idiot to waste my time. What would be the point of me being there? Would people believe that I suddenly liked this woman? If it was me, I wouldn't want to see or hear from her should I be laid up. I certaintly would not want anyone to tell the S Donor, because I would have no wish to be upset while I was physically hurt or see him. So there, that is out there. I hope she heals up well (that is if there even was a car accident, and instead it's not like my S Donor perhaps finally had the good taste not to throw himself a Father's Day celebration or it's a cover up for yet another divorce in the family). Or a cover up for the fact that he's alienated from so many people now----which brings me to.....

----The monster. She wanted her side of the family involved in everything, but it seems to me that she systematically tried to destroy relationships in our family. She does this under the guise of sacrifice. First there was the invitation for me to live with them, as she wouldn't want "her kids" to not have some place to live later on. Then the abuse both emotional and physical. Then an estrangement. Then a systematic bad mouthing of me to my relatives and especially to my grandparents. I knew about this as my grandmother jumped on me for a doll that she thought I sold that my aunt had given to me, and there was only two people that could have put that in her mind together. It never occurred to me what they were doing with my grandparents at the time, or more importantly their really sick motivation for it. Why would a parent or step seek to alienate their child from their grandparents, aunts and uncles?

Then there was the making sure her kids always did stuff for my grandparents. The talking and making fun of them behind their back that was spurred on by the monster. The exhaulting of her kids grandparents, and the comparisons to my poor old grandmother that occaisionally might have dropped a crumb on the floor. Finally, the exhile of my grandmother from her last holiday gatherings because she might be upset going back to the rest home. Nice.

Most recently, and some of this is speculation, the invitation to S donor's brother to build an apartment downstairs in their summer house, so that he could stay with them and bond with S donor. The monster's predictable campaign against him and talking behind his back to me and other family members. Suddenly, my uncle is no longer up here because he "broke" a leg for about a year now. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Could it be there is another family rift there, cause he loved coming up to the house.

Then there is her son's wife's parents. First they were to be admired for all their worldly possessions. Big steps were taken to impress them. Weird holiday with servants, treating them to the White Barn, et al. When perhaps the Monster realized that she could never materially (and in my opinion humanity wise) live up to them, again the campaign started talking behind their back, and why she did not get along with them and blah blah blah.

Course the relationship between her sons and their father (the monster's first husband, who is probably more thankful than ever that he bailed) has always been discouraged and maligned.

Again, I don't blame her for the damage, but she was definately a participant. Johny, tell her what she has won. I wonder all the time, how does the monster live with herself? Does she ever wonder when the lightening bolt will appear and strike her down?

Well, Here It Is Father's Day

It's almost like I feel the relief of the S Donor pressence not being one street over. And although it's irrational on so many levels, I don't need to feel the hurt of just one more family holiday where I am not in attendance and my existence not even acknowledged. Course, that could be going on somewhere else LOL. Just knowing I can enjoy the day without thinking "is that them, is that car them, are those people them" is sheer bliss.

To my stepfather, my E Donor's husband. Jimmy thank you for being so very kind when I knew you. Thank you for loving HER through thick and thin. I am glad she has someone for her. Mostly thank you for not becoming involved in the situation no matter how you feel about it.

To my father in law, thank you for everything you have done, including taking me in when I was nineteen and being so happy about my new business. I like talking doggies with you. You are a sweet man!! Thanks most of all for loving my husband so much.

To my Italian Grandfather. Hi gramps, I hope you and gram are together again. Oh, yes and I hope you find Dicky, your canary, up there too!! When you look in on me, I hope what you see makes you happy. I love and miss both you and gram. I am sorry for the situation that probably pains you:( I love you however, and know despite the fact that you most likely strongly do not agree with me, you love me too!! Miss you and the boison berry tree.

To my Finish Grandfather. Didn't know you that well, and kind of happy about that. However, I hope you found peace or happiness after death.

To my father, enoughs been said on this blog. I wish you were someone that I wanted to have a relationship with, but that will never happen. I have resigned myself to that a year and a half ago, and probably long before that but did not face the reality of our "relationship", which was really that of two different strangers. I hope life is as you wanted it, and that you have a nice day. Just never include me in any of your days.