2013 Should be a Peaceful Year

I am expecting 2013 to be a peaceful and drama free year:)   My mind has not been renting any space to them as of late.   I plan to continue this trend into the foreseeable future!   It's a nice relaxing trend that allows me to attend to those things in my life that have actual importance.

2012 Year in Review

Except for one very tragic and devastating incident, we had an other wise great year.  Our wonderful canine companion, Leon, died suddenly on 9/20/2012.   I am still not over it, and will never really be over it.   It will just get a little less painful as time goes on.   Leon was a very special and loving soul.   He did a lot of work with me in my business.  He provided a lot of love, fun, and joy for us all as a family.   It is believed to have been a cardiac incident.   By the way, 40% of Dobermans are thought to have cardiomiopathy.  Still they remain my very favorite breed due to their sense of fun and their athletic ability.

Sigh, he is very very much missed.   There are all sorts of little jobs he would do for me during the day, that remind me how very much he loved working with me.   Everyday there is a reminder of that.

So here is the good parts of 2012:

1. Business up by 18%
2. I was able to take a few actual days off for a vacation this year.   First time since 2005, I think.
3. Summer was perfect in that it was not sweltering hot.   It was a very comfortable and enjoyable summer.
4. We had many many good times with our dogs on the beach this year.
5. My husband and I were able to have a lot of good times this year.  
6. We have been able to afford things like heat and health insurance this year:)
7. We have been able to get our savings going again.

It would have been a really stellar year if Leon could still have been with us.  

Merry Christmas!

Boris wishes you a Merry Holiday Season!

Thankful for 2011 Thus Far & Wierd Dreams

I find myself thankful again (and I almost hate to say it so as not to jinx it) to have no deaths in the immediate family and/or our dogs thus far.   We did loose two dogs of clients this year due to old age and cancer.  We also have a family friend's father (and someone we know) who has suffered a stroke and heart attack right around now.  We are hoping for the best outcome for him, and his family.

All in all, after about an eight year stint of having close family deaths and deaths of our elderly pets (and one that was too young to leave us), it looks like we have managed a two year reprieve.  Just a little over 30 more days to go, and we will be into 2012.

I have been having some really bizarre and recurring dreams.   The circumstances of the dreams are all different, except for the pregnant bunnies and cats.   I never actually see the births, although sometimes I hear the baby animals.   One was a murder mystery dream, one was a dream about old friends whose house (this was never in real  life the case) was filled with pregnant bunnies and cars in cages.   And I have had some more that I can't remember, just know that they were different.

I looked it up a little, and gather it might be about creativity and taking risks.   Somewhere that is not far from where my mind is at these days, in order to further grow my business especially in light of some new challenges we are facing:)

Miss Your Family On The Holidays? Glimpse My Past 2001 Christmas Eve and Christmas with Mine

Many years ago, starting in 1992, I used to keep a written journal.   Apparently, I detailed most of the upsetting things in my life.    I guess I have continued that trend in this blog, and it's upsetting because life is so short to allow people to make you this upset.   This is when Christmas had moved from Grandma's to The Monster and Sperm Donor's house (my old childhood horror "home").

I didn't remember these as all that bad, until I read this entry in my journal.   Half of the things I don't remember.   Actually, I am pretty sure I just blocked them out to be able to withstand the next year.  When I think back, I remember arrivals, small talk, eating, present opening, very little talk with the donor or monster (as possible), and being sure to help do the dishes at the end or set up at the beginning if I was early. 

And here is the delightful experienced I got to enjoy with my "family"on one of three or four occasions that we would bother to get together or correspond yearly:

Last year [Sperm Donor-not his title in journal entry] and [Step Monster] did not have much of the family over.   It was basically me, Robert, Andy [Step NB], Louise [Step SIL], my grandmother, and [Step Monster's Father].  We thought that year had been a little quiet and actually WERE looking forward to seeing the rest of my family.


Maybe I was too much looking forward to enjoying every one's company.   The food was great as usual, but...

[An aside, I am ashamed at how meanly I talk about my family here.   I picture myself though sitting politely through this, and here is why keeping things in is sometimes the biggest mistake you can make.   If you can't let people know they are hurting you, and come to some sort of agreement about your relationship, perhaps they are not worth keeping a relationship with, especially when you have the most superficial of relationships in the first place]  Things in bold are my additional additions or my attempt to "spare feelings" for any relatives that may be checking in on my blog, though God knows why.

The relatives [talking about "my side" here] were out of control.   It really brought me way down how nasty, rude, and obnoxious everyone was.   Well not everyone, but more than a few of these people.

Let's start with [Anonymous 1] the bitter [insert career path here].   You can just tell that [Anonymous 1] is a gem just like my [Anonymous 2].  So [Anonymous 3] starts questioning [Anonymous 1] about every aspect of his job & each [whatever it is this person does] .  [Anonymous 1] hates when [Anonymous 3] does this, and kind of whispers that to me.   Then [Anonymous 1] very rudely turns the tables on [Anonymous 3], and is a real asshole to [Anonymous 3], which [Anonymous 3] does not seem to pick up on.   Robert thought it was funny, but I thought it was really horrible and embarrassing.

Meanwhile [Anonymous 4] is getting even more boozed up than normal.   Mind you, [Anonymous 4] shouldn't feel on such a familiar basis with Rob or me to do the rude & obnoxious things [Anonymous 4] did over the next two days, which really ruined Christmas for me.

So first as [Anonymous 4] is getting really buzzed, [Anonymous 4] starts talking endlessly about how [Anonymous 4] is the "Italian Jew" [NOTE: SO GLAD THAT ROBERT'S PARENTS HAD NOT BEEN ASKED TO ANY FAMILY OCCASIONS LIKE THIS AS YET, EVEN AFTER 10 YEARS OF US BEING MARRIED]  Very nice and classy. Then as the evening progresses, she attacks Robert in his new coat ripping off the hood, then grabs Robert's ass and finally at the end of the evening screams at Robert for having a cookie.   [As I recently read more of this journal entry, I do not know why I did not rip Anonymous 4 a new one...actually I was trained well to be polite to my elders at all costs apparently]

[Anonymous 2] at the beginning of the evening gives Robert a used belt.   Why?   We don't know.   I can only assume he thought it was some kind of grand peace offering [This relates to another journal entry before this of a bizarre incident with Anonymous 2 toward Robert].

Then when Robert asks how [two of my second cousins] like their gifts, these cousins proclaim that they were "crappy".   [In a previous journal entry, I talk about being excited to give gifts to my family and spent sometime selecting.   I think this may have been the year that I stopped that practice]   Well they are [Anonymous 1's] kids aren't they?  [Another Second Cousin] didn't bother to say thank you, but [Another Second Cousin] was being shy that night.   I would prefer to think that is the reason why.

Anyway, Christmas Eve I could take.   Against my better judgement, I agreed to go to my grandma's the next morning [who I will warn you in advance was also not showing at her best.  Which is weird because I thought by this time, close to her death, she had stopped this type of behavior towards Robert.   What we choose to block out!]   for the annual torture & make the grandchildren feel like shit breakfast [sponsored by Anonymous 2 and Anonymous 4] (and apparently this is not the first Christmas breakfast where I felt like a second class citizen in "my family")

**Nick and Brett this year were by far the best behaved children [This is Step Monster's sister's kids, one of whom pulled a knife on his mother in later years]  THIS IS A TRADITION THAT I WILL NOT REPEAT AS I WANT TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS DAY FROM NOW ON.

12/25/2001 (continued on a different day this journal entry) Christmas morning-the horror continues...

So against good judgement of any kind of sane/rational thought process, we go to Grandma's (something I've managed to avoid for the last two years).  Robert & I are sitting at the dining room table.   We had asked to help, and been told to stay out of the way.   Breakfast was not near ready and no one was sitting down.   Grandma basically comes over and says not to sit in those chairs ever.

Then Robert goes over to pick up a glass (set with all the other glasses to be used for beverages) and [Anonymous 2] says [that Robert] can't have any because there won't be any for anyone else.  [WTF?]

Finally [Anonymous 5] sees the Dr Seuss tape for [Yet Another Second Cousin] & rags on the gift that we bought for [Anonymous 2's child]  (Not only did I do my best to select child aged appropriate gifts, but I don't have kids myself and hardly know these.  Plus this criticism comes from someone who gave baked goods, or sports puzzles as the one or two Christmas gifts ever, and got thank yous prior to this incident) & then I end up eating on the couch alone & across the room [from the rest of "my family"] to eat breakfast.

Hey Merry Christmas, family.   Pick on each other next year, we won't be there.

Ever heard of being a good host,manners, that sort of thing?

Was so blue afterward that I ended up spending the rest of Christmas crying.  

Lovely family day.   Can't wait to see them next year!

So if you are blue and missing the family you are estranged from, go see if you kept any documentation on what "family" get together were like in reality.   I know that I did not remember half of this.   This is not even the Sperm Donor's or Monster's actions, but people who are supposed to be happy to see me after a long time.   I realize I spend quite a bit of this journal entry logging in mistreatment of my husband, instead of me.   That is most likely me just being polite, and the disrespect shown to my husband only shows how they really felt about me.  Why would I ever EVER want to revisit that?

Blogs from the Outer Web

Dealing With Those "Special" Occaisions that Are Not Yours---this blogger is usually talking about girl/boy advice, but I think you can apply it to many other relationships.

Everyday Stigma--this is about the "stigma" of sexual preference (which as a society we should really grow up about)   however, I think this can be applied to any kind of stigma someone needs to carry with them every day or percieves that they need to carry with them everyday.

Feeling Like The Black Sheep

Sibling Concern

100 Recommended Halloween Movies, Series, and TV

Halloween is my very favorite holiday.   Coincidentally, I am a bit of a nut about horror movies too.   I have actually spent a considerable amount of time amassing a list of movies that I can call upon each Halloween.  

Halloween is serious business, and this is no time to be watching crappy horror movies or sifting through the really bad ones hoping to find a gem.  I need sure things for my holiday month (yeah I said it, month NOT day).  My big escape over the years has been the good horror movie, and that is why I have seen so many of them.   Way more than a hundred, but these are the ones that I deem worthy of recommending based on orginality, a plot I like, a twist ending that I did not see coming, or because they are "quirky".

On the culmination of the month and on the day, I surround myself with all the candy I could want, and dive into a horror movie marathon.   The whole month though, I try and decorate each day and watch a horror movie to honor the holiday.

Here is what I like in a good horror movie, so you might get an idea where my tastes reside:

1. It's never about the gore with me, though there may be gore in horror movies that I like.  I usually do not like the gore, but it's something about the storyline that I like.
2. I typically like a background story, though with some movies the mystery (the original The Fog for instance) does not need to be spelled out so much.  It's a tricky balance.
3. Since I have seen so many, I like an unusual bent or angle to the horror movie.
4. I like when the characters we have come to know live at the end.  In other words, the best happy ending that a horror movie can have.
5. I prefer if no animals are killed (or tortured) in the horror movie (though can not promise that all my picks stick to this).
6. I am not a zombie or werewolf fan, but am more of a Vampire or Serial Killer fan.   Not to say that some of my movies may not have these.
7. It's rare that I like a remake OR a sequel, but it happens:)
8. You may find it hard to believe from my list, but I do not like hardcore violence (ala Last House on The Left or Clock Work Orange---sorry that I ever saw those oringals).
9. If I have seen a documentary on how a low budget horror movie was made (ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre), that may explain my fascination with it later LOL.  I never wanted to watch this movie until I watched the documentary on it.  Knowing what the actors were going through, and this was not made by a bunch of people that necessarily knew how to get a special effect (never mind safely).
10. I love gothic movies with old creepy houses in them.  If I can check out the house in the movie, I am a happy camper.
11. I love horror movies that can also add comedy.   However this is a tricky mix, and some movies try this but fail horribly.  It is the very rare movie that does this well.
12. As in my horror books, I like when  everything looks innocent on the OUTSIDE but INSIDE it is NOT AT ALL.
13. I grew up on "Creature Double Feature" so I like the good horror giant monster, but am more particular about the special effects LOL.

Without further ado, here are my Halloween recommendations for you (in no particular order-next year and to segment to descriptive tags next year):

1. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? 1962
2. Portrait of Dorian Gray 1945
3. Wicker Man 1973 (the remake 2006 was very good as well)
4. Sixth Sense 1999
5. Invisible Man 1958
6. Diaboliques 1955
7. Silence of the Lambs 1991 (also Thomas Harris book)
8. Hannibal 2001
9. Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte 1964
10. Single White Female 1992
11. Fatal Attraction 1987
12. (Duh) Carrie 1976 (and great Stephen King book)
13. The Ring 2002
14. Poltergeist 1982 (the first one IMHO)
15. Sleepy Hollow 1999
16. Dead Zone 1983 (also great Stephen King book)
17. The Fog 1980 (the original only IMHO)
18. The People Under The Stairs 1981 (funny comedy horror)
19. House of Wax 1953(remake 2005 is campy sort of crap, but I liked the back story that they gave to it, and it had nothing to do with the original Vincent Price House of Wax)
20. Motel Hell 1980 (I don't know how I forgot this one)
21. The Thing 1982 (sci fi horror)
22. It 1990 (Stephen King)
23. Alien 1979 (sci fi horror & great book)
24. Jurassic Park 1993
25. Black Christmas 1974(the orginal, not the remake)
26. The Vanishing 1993
27. The Bad Seed 1956
28. The Good Son 1993
29. Magic 1978
30. Stranger in Our House or Summer of Fear 1978
31. Secret Window 2004 (also great Stephen King book)
32. (OMG) The Baby 1973-Talk about a twist ending!!!!
33. The Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1978
34. She Creature 2001
35. Vacancy 2007
36. Rebecca 1940
37. Let's Scare Jessica to Death-classic [don't want to ruin the surprise] movie 1971.
38. Original Halloween I and II (1978 & 1981), of course. II only thrown in there to continue the story, not as good as one. (I think of one and two as the same movie.)
39.  H20 (1998) , which is Halloween 20 years later.
40. Rob Zombie's Halloween (first one not the second one---second one was too much in line with the actual)
41. The Audition, Japanese Horror Movie 1999. Quite a take on your submissive Japanese woman (NOT!!!!).
42. Godzilla, the remake 1998. A totally American movie doing a fresh new (and sometimes funny) look at Godzilla and how he came to be here. I own this movie, I loved it so much.
43. The whole Subspecies series. The production company that actually did filming in Romania went bankrupt and out of business, but I so loved these. Yet another different and twisted look at vampires. Subspecies came out in 1991, which I thought was the weakest of them and I actually saw it last. Bloodstone, Subspecies II, came out in 1993. Bloodlust, Subspecies III, came out in 1994. And finally the last (boo hoo) came out in 1998 Bloodstorm, Subspecies 4.
44. Red Dragon, of course, because I have read the Thomas Harris books. The film came out very well in 2002, I thought.
45. Blind Beast 1969 is a good Japanese horror film that I recently did a review on. Very, very creepy.
46. The Burbs 1989. Comedy horror at it's best. Tom Hanks plays a neighbor, who is suspicious of the new neighbors in town.
47. The Lost Boys 1987. A vampire movie that I always still enjoy when it's on. I like the plot of the younger brother helping out the older brother. Grandpa gets in on the act as well.
48. Showtime Master of Horror Series. I didn't like them all. The very first one is probably my favorite due to the surprise ending, and just overall creepiness of it. Plus, you are never really sure where you are going......really.
49. Ghost Story 1981, good book and I think good movie. Actually, if I remember correctly, I might have enjoyed the movie more than the book.
50. Intensity 1997 (Dean Koontz book first, loved botht he movie and book)
51. Hideaway 1995 (Dean Koontz book, but changed the story a little bit)
52. Demon Seed 1977 (Dean Koontz book---can you guess one of my favorite authors LOL)
53. Lady in White 1988 - this one might be okay for children, but there is a definate reference to a pedophile---be warned.   Good mystery ghost story that I think was targetted for children as well.
54. Burnt Offerings 1976
55. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer 2006 --Totally Gothic and creepy, not sure how I felt about the ending, but a terrifically creepy movie.
56. Series of about 12 Dark Shadows The Revival (though it doesn't end there, but production was cancelled, so it's a bit frustrating after episode 12)
57. Hostel I 2005 and II 2007. II is even better, but I wouldn't discount I at all!!!
58. Spider Babies 1968
59. Quills 2000  Really, really gothic.  Strong sexual themes and some violence.  Really great adult horror movie though.
60. The Omen 1976 (I HATED the remake) and Damien: Omen II 1978
61. Children of the Damned 1964
62. Psycho 1960
63. The Shining 1980 (not as true to the Stephen King book, but Jack Nicholson's role) 
64. The Shining 1997 (true to the Stephen King book)
65. Jeepers Creepers 2001
66. Jeepers Creepers II 2003
67. Joyride 2001
68. The Other 1972 (also an excellent book, and the movie is pretty true to the book) 
69. King Kong 2005 (one movie where I like the remake much more than all the others before it)
70. Creep 2004
71. Misery 1990 (also great Stephen King book)
72. The Haunting 1963
73. Changeling 1980
74. Sweeney Todd 2007
75. Prom Night 1980
76. Frailty 2001
77. Strangeland 1998
78. American Psycho  2000
79. Cloverfield 2008
80. Day After Tomorrow 2004
81. True Blood Series 2008
82. Dexter Series  2006
83. Reaper TV Show 2007
84. Wolf Creek 2005
85. The Blob (always loved this movie) 1958
86. Godsend  2004
87. Cape Fear (remake with DiNero) 1991
88. Communion or Alice Sweet Alice 1976
89. Rosemary's Baby 1968 
90. Interview with A Vampire 1994
91. House of Wax (Vincent Price) 1953
92. House of Wax (Paris Hilton LOL) 2005  a beginning scene in this really did it for me!
93. The Ring 2002
94. Three Extremes 2004
95. Yoga 2009
96. What Lies Beneath 2000 (I like how the beginning starts, and helps with the twist ending)
97. Scream I, II, & III (and looking forward to IV) 1996 1997 2000
98. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974
99. Dream Home 2010
100. The Burrowers 2008 ---very creepy old west meets horror

Sharing a Personal Goal

Sorry for the freaky mask BTW, LOL...not sure I want to show my true face on this blog yet.

When I was in third grade, our elementary school had music lessons for individual students.   I am not sure if this was required for all, or if parents got to choose to pay for them themselves.   Fortunately, although I in no way wanted to play an instrument unless it was a violin (in May Street school, I admired another first grader who played the violin), I was forced into this.  I think the flute was the cheapest one you could rent, and so that was the instrument picked for me.   I detested it:)  

In third grade, I had a music teacher that would stay with me most years including college.   Her name is Iva Milch .   Easily a teacher that I felt shaped me as a person, even if I did not make my musical goals.   Iva pushed later on in High School.   She made no bones about it if I did not practice.   She knew, and I knew she knew.   Best thing to do was to practice.   It's the part of music that I never got used to, as I had no patience.   Patience, I have learned in dog training, helps everyone and thing achieve goals and harmony.   It turns out, patience is the thing that lacked most in my cooking.  I wanted to go from A to Z right away.  

The things she taught me then that I sometimes ignored, make me understand myself better today.  Music and the flute ended up being a real gift.  In High School, it allowed me to escape from my family and awkward social life. 

Since I did not make it to the Boston Symphony myself, I got frustrated and stopped playing.  Once you stop, it's hard to start again, as you are so far behind.  That patience thing comes back into play, as you need to build your skills back up.  

For a period of time in High School, I was quite good.   I really needed to be at a more stable place in order to be as disciplined as needed.  I also did not have perfect pitch or a good ear, so lots and lots of work would have been needed.   I can play it seems somewhat naturally, but I am no savant.

What you hear above is probably not even at my third grade level !  But who cares, it's my starting point and I am just glad I remembered a few notes.

So my resolution this year is to start doing just that.   In this video I have skipped ahead a little, never fear, I will need to be practicing my scales ET as well.   Just thought I would start to see where I could bring this simple little piece.  Was surprisingly difficult just to stay on beat!

My Goals for Estrangement Remain the Same

I did a pretty decent job this year keeping EFOO out of my head.   Not perfect mind you, but the number of blog posts for the past three years tell a story.  This year there were three main events that distracted me a bit:

1. My birthday where I found myself on the beach set up near Spermy and Monster.
2. November posting from Eggy where she tried to get my attention, and when she couldn't listed me as a suspect for cyber stealing from her (she took that post down quickly, after e-mail contact from me).
3. December or November when I got a third party inquiry as to when *I* was going to stop the estrangement.   This was sent through a relative that I like a lot and has tried to have a relationship with me from one that has had zero relationship or discussion with me about it.  Hey since they talk to HIM, why not ask him why he doesn't wish to have a relationship with HIS daughter and never has?  Why when he has admitted doing things wrong *I* am supposed to make it alright and comfortable for him?

Anywhoo, those are the things that have distracted me this year.  I think I would have gotten away with having only eight posts this year without them .

So at this point every year, I try and make goals for myself that I intend to keep.   This would be related to other personal goals, but here are my goals in estrangement.

1. To continue to trust and believe that I did the right things for the right reasons OR (to put it another way) to stop having the need to review the evidence and torture myself with it.   I know what I know, and it is what it is.  I can't change them, it, me, the circumstances that brought me here.
2. Not visit my female donor's blog and hence eliminate the very likely possibility that she will try and lure me in by pissing me off (very much related to number one).  Also ignore any other her postings of what she assumes my life is or was that are elsewhere
3. Work on my communication with those people that do love and care for me to the best of my ability.  Try to be more open and reach out more than I do.  I really try to cut out any third party contact and go to the source.   I also try to let people know that I care about them, but I have a hard time putting myself out there or allowing people to get too close.
4. Enjoy everyday that I can.
5. Be more disciplined and consistent with things that I need to do (IE stop procrastinating and getting down when I do) so that I can stop stressing myself out (oh female donor would latch onto this in the old days). 
6. Be thankful for what I have.
7. Let my creativity be something that I do on occasion.
8. Related to seven patience with learning new crafts, and patience with myself while I learn new things.
9. Find fun and active things to do as a family.

So there are my goals most related to healing from family estrangement or promoting the healing of estrangement from family.

December is Not Christmas Time Anymore

Here we are in December, a month that I very much enjoyed as a child.   Being an only child, I did actually get a lot of gifts on Christmas and during the family part on Christmas Eve.  I loved the decorations, making up the tree, and most of all Gram's house.   I don't think it's faulty or sentimental on my part to think those Christmas's and other holidays at Gram's house were filled with a little magic.   Okay, maybe that is a little exaggeration there LOL.   Those were the holidays that I loved, and they were gone many years before Gram finally succumbed to old age and all of it's problems.

I did go on celebrating Christmas with my little family.   On the first of one of my dog's deaths, Neptune, on December 21st that magic started dwindling away.   Since then this month (not year) has seen the loss of my Mother In Law, Mustache our cat, Jazz our first dog, and finally Jackie last year.   These are by far the worst of estrangements.   My grandfather passed away a couple of days after being too sick to spend Thanksgiving with us.  I missed my last Christmas with my Granmother, because monster did not want her to come and then complain about going back to the assisted care facility.   I should have just gone and spent Christmas with grandmother!!  In my current frame of mind, the thought that I just could have done that did not even occur to me.

So while in general I enjoy holidays more because I don't have the past obligations to the estranged, I do not think the month of December will ever hold the joy for me that it once did.   I am okay with that, it's nice to remember my fallen friends and family who have been estranged through the event of death.   That is more important than a holiday made to commercialize everything:)

However, though these are joyful memories, they do make me a little blue, as my time with those friends and family members have passed.   December is filled with so many days of passed family and friends.   So it is important to get out and enjoy life in honor of those that have passed.  

A lot of my pick me up comes from my husband and my dogs.   We have been watching the first season of Columbo on Netflix, and also whipping each other's ass in Playstation 3 fighting game.   I have continued to cook with my husband.   We have been having a lot of fun doing this.   I used to hate cooking as I had no instruction pre my marriage in the correct way of doing things, and so my meals turned out like crap.   I need A LOT of instruction just to get through the little things that go wrong, or what the consistency should look like, or what's the difference between this mixing and that mixing.   With instruction, go figure, we have had some excellent meals that we made together.

Yesterday, I started clearing out some skating paths in our wetlands out back, which have frozen over.  Good work out, and kept the dogs out there for about four hours while I worked on it.   I think we all got good and frozen, and then took a nice long cuddly nap together.   No doubt some good exercise came from it too, as I am clearing the brush ET and that blocks the paths in the wetlands.  It snowed yesterday, so now I have that to look forward to clearing.   I don't know if the rink will be done today, but it should be done by Christmas if I work diligently on it.

My In Law family is Jewish.   Traditionally, they have not done the big family thing around Hanukkah.   Although my family alternates it between my cousin's house and the sperm donor's house, I have wished more to see other family during times when I won't be around the sperm donor and the monster.   Also it seems that side of the family thinks if we see each other, we will run straight into each other's arms.  Now spermy might put on a good show for the family, but I have seen him outside the family and did not feel an out pouring of love and good wishes from him.  I also saw him a long time ago at a family event, where the monster spent her time coming up to any family member that I was trying to talk to and getting in between us to try to prevent it (she is an utter peach that way).   I just don't need that kind of drama and selfishness around me.   Not even because it's the holiday, it's because life is too short for me to have to deal with that.  

If family does not make other times available to see me when we are not even a mile away from each other, then clearly they have no interest in me.   As such, they are hardly family in any sense of the word besides biology.  That does not mean I hold hard feelings towards them, I don't.   But why would I be putting myself out there in an uncomfortable situation with people that I barely saw once a year previously?  To me, that is not family.

There is one to three relatives that tried to have any sort of forward/future relationship with me in any active way:)

Thanksgiving !!

I am thankful for sleeping in this morning (clearly).   I am thankful for my husband who has started Thanksgiving dinner, and is waiting for me to come down and cook with him.   I thankful for warm cinnamon buns and coffee.   I am thankful for Leon and Boris who keep it warm under the covers.   I am thankful that the wind gusts are gone so that I can walk the dogs (including Lola, Gus, Buddy, Jake, and Tommy) in the woods without being too worried that a tree will fall on me or a dog.  

I am thankful for the yummy food that I am going to eat and help prepare shortly.  And again, mostly thankful that everyone and everything that I care about is alive today:)

The Month of Thanks-Will Be Most Thankful For

I don't mean to start on a downer OR to jinx myself, but I am MOST thankful that no one has died this year.   We did have a customer's dog, Petey, who I have known from puppy hood that left us this year.  However, that is bound to happen especially as I am entering a decade in the business.

so far our loved family members and our beloved pets remain healthy and happy.   This will  be a truly magical year if we can make it to the end.  We have had a personal major deaths for the last seven years.   We actually thought last year we were going to be spared, but our dog, Jackie CD, died on the morning of Christmas.

By the way, the majority of these deaths have occurred in November or December, so I am not the holiday freak that I used to be.  What I want for Christmas is for everyone and thing that I love to be alive not only this year, of course, but for as long as it is physically possible for them to be.

Uh, honey, where are you going with that ladder, extension cord, and chain saw?

The Post Office and Angel Stamps

The yellow slip in my box told me that a package was waiting. The usual quarterly deliver of our medicines that scream "you are no longer 19 years old!" The reminder is brings up memories of my Grandmother's pillbox in some very disturbing ways.

As it happened, an elderly lady had made it to the postage desk before me. She is very cute in her track suit, and the cash in her wallet that she probably takes out monthly from the bank for groceries and such, just like my Grandmother did. Her list of tasks is well organized, and she scans the post stamp selection. "Cats and dogs like last time" asks the Postman. She takes off her glasses and peers closer, "What is this one then?". The Postman answers "That is an Angel with her lute".

She peers closer, and I can tell she is not sure whether to believe him or not. "I'll take those she says". I smile warmly at her as she comes back. "Postage stamps are so ugly these days" the lady says smiling back. As the Postman walks away she asks "Is that an Angel?" I look closely for her, truth to tell my eyes aren't what they once were either, and I say "Yes, and very appropriate for these holidays coming up."

The lady winks at me and says "Everyone needs an Angel this year. People are going through tough times".

This will give me a warm feeling throughout the day. I should have hugged her, or asked if SHE needed anything. I was too touched by the sentiment to think clearly at the time.

The Holidays-Gobble Gobble??

I know that the holidays are a time of confusion, stress, and loneliness for many estranged during the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are no longer my favorite holidays, but NOT as one would think because of the estrangements. In fact, once I was no longer getting tense, irritable, and waiting for it to be over...without truly understanding why or investigating it too deeply, holidays became not traditional but enjoyable again.

Unfortunately, we have suffered some very personal losses around the months of November and December. Thanksgiving has become the time where I celebrate my Italian grandparents or think about them a lot. Their holidays were always fun and loving events. I have even been learning (with my husband) to cook somethings that bring back those wonderful and warm memories. Sweet potato pie with plenty of large fluffy marshmallows on top, for instance, is a must on Thanksgiving. My grandfather passed away a few days after our last Thanksgiving, and that is why I usually spend the day thinking about the both of them. My grandmother lived a good while longer, but as one might imagine there was sadness there between only having one of eight siblings still alive and the death of her long time and much beloved husband.

I always kid that I missed the cooking gene that my grandmother had in abundance, and think I should have been paying attention when she was sewing, cooking, knitting, and crocheting. She loved cooking for me, and so didn't ask me to help that much. I wish I had insisted on being involved and paying attention at the time. My husband obviously paid attention when his mother was making their dinners in the kitchen, and it shows!! So part of honoring my grandparents has been enjoying cooking with my husband and beginning to learn just a little bit about what goes into it.

I have never really had a problem with baking, and that is most likely because it is very much about measuring exactly. I understand the exacting directions of baking.

Our "traditional" Thanksgiving has become preparing dinner and taking the dogs for a walk on the beach. I am sure football makes it's way in there as well.

Unless I am in a room full of people that I like and know (as opposed to being in a room full of people that I see exactly twice a year, as in the past---this actually used to include my sperm donor--our total annual conversation could probably be less than two hours and about 5 to 15 minutes on the holidays) is so much more enjoyable. Thanksgiving does not happen to be a day that this syncs due to my business, and we often have lots of canine guests. I enjoy our Thanksgivings. It is a day of thanks for me for knowing the love of my Italian grandparents, and for those other family members that selflessly (and without an agenda of theirs or someone else) reach out to me.

I am also extremely thankful for my husband and my great dogs. I am thankful that I do what I want for a living and not what others expected of me or wanted to inflict onto me. I am thankful to have a roof over my head and food in my mouth (and my dog's mouths) during this hard economy. I am thankful to be free of a prior life that was damaging to me, and to instead embrace all the wealth of love that I have now.

Not everyone has this reaction or experience. After all, their estrangements are likely quite different than mine. So keep in mind those family members that may be suffering with divorce, estrangement, empty nest syndrome, or can't get around to the places they used to like they once did. (this is a suggestion to the general and non estranged public) For the estranged having a problem, give yourself a break. We can't always turn on the "happy" button. If you can enjoy the day, do. If it is a source of stress and grief for you, I would advise that you allow that to come out at least once on a holiday. Everyone grieves differently. I have found that embracing it on occasion can let go the "time release" of the pain. If I let it have the day or the week, then I seem to heal faster.

Everyone is different though. As close as my husband and I are, we have very different grieving styles. So be aware of that when watching others go through their times of pain, and try to be empathetic to this.

Just one more thing, there does not have to be "assigned" days to spend with your family. We have spent time with our family on other days, and had great times and memories. A lot of times, they make us feel like we are on vacation even when we are still working during the day, just by spending some hours at the beach boogey boarding or touring the town with us. Holidays are really just big marketing schemes to secure some big shopping days, if you think about it logically.

NOTE: That is if you are not religious, and then their are other meanings in the holidays. I happen to be agnostic, so there is no deep meaning in those days other than happy memories raiding the stockings at my grandmothers house with my cousins!!

NOTE2: This can also be a time of hurtful contact. This can come in the form of a direct letter, e-mail, or more subtle passive aggressive behavior of spreading lies, untruths, and paranoid fantasy's about a you that simply does not exist! If this person is not someone who truly loves you and has your well being at heart, please see it for what it is, a cry for attention or another attempt to harm you. Sometimes it feels good to react, and I am not going to suggest that anyone not indulge in that on occasion. Just be aware, this is what this unkind person wants...desperately...and not so they can hug and embrace you later on OR so that any boundaries will be adhered to in the future. At some point, after years of paying attention, you will hopefully know the difference, move on, and just be sad for them.

Be aware, that when you ignore them, things tend to spin out of control. As in my previous article on narcissists, the very worst thing you can do to them is to ignore them, because they cease to exist without the mirror reflecting back at them. At least if you respond, they can say you are unwell, crazy, and sick. Usually that really is their reflection, and has nothing to do with you.

At the point where you have become complacent that they might feel bad about lies that they have spread about you, is exactly the time you will find that the will to stop hurting you has again ended. What they hopefully don't fully understand (this comes with time), is that you are so oooovvvvveeerrr it:) They should also be careful if it can be proven that they are lying, that written libel does not need proof of damage (use it, that usually shuts their traps up fast, if you care enough to shut them up).

From Unbearably Hot to Chilly Willy

Maine had a pretty hot summer season this year. The weather was definitely for the beach. I was at home most of the time with 11 or more doggies to supervise and entertain, but I did make it out there on occasion.

Now, in typical Maine weather fashion, Fall seems to have slammed into us with chilly breezes in the late afternoon. Still beautiful out though, just need to recalibrate the old body to the temperature change. I am actually pretty thrilled to be able to layer in stuff to keep warm. Even by stuffing my bra with ice cubes, I was unable to keep the heat away, except by hiding in air conditioning. Training and watching dogs for a living, you do eventually need to come outside. The poor dogs this summer, they had nothing in the afternoon heat.

Now that it's Fall all the dogs have found their energy and play drive again. I am able to exercise and train outside, and actually be comfortable doing it again. I do love Fall.

And the best part is, IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN!!! I am just a "little" nutty about the Halloween season. My decorations are already up.

My Birthday

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday. It was filled with family who came to us at the house over the weekend and into the week. This would be a great tradition to start every year, as an excuse to get our family up and have fun. My brother in law, niece, and nephew came down. All my nephews and nieces are great. I have five in all. One is all grown with kids of his own, one is close to starting college, one is in his tweens , and two are around nine years old. They are very kind and wonderful young adults and children.

I have a hard time communicating with them and bonding sometimes due to my own upbringing. I am reserved, shy, and not so trusting of those that don't know me real well. It's not that I realistically think I could be hurt by people who are in my family, it's my previous experience with my biological family that holds me back. It took many years until I felt I could have some heart to hearts with my brothers and sister in laws. It was the same with my mother and father in laws. It took forever for me to really be able to open up somewhat, and experience a relationship with them. It took me a very long while to realize we could all disagree with each others opinions, but still like each other. It just did not work like that with the E or S Donor, never mind the B monster.

Not that this is why we became estranged at all, but it sure is the reason that I am not bonded to the people that share my DNA. Thus why I don't feel that there is an overwhelming duty on my part to participate in a relationship that has never been there in the first place. My brother and sister in laws had a very different relationship with their mother and the person that they considered their father. They do also share in the fact that there did exist a man with their DNA, and no relationship existed between them. Mostly because DNA man stepped out and away from his children. He was not a man that deserved his children, however it was not his children who ended the relationship. His children are now wonderful parents (except us of course) to great children. It is a wonder that they came from the same DNA, as this man seemed to have zero parental instincts whatsoever. Although I did hear that he had another family, and I believe the children in the house were also his.

It is unfortunate that my brothers and sister in law had to deal with this in their youth and adult lives. Explaining my estrangement to them is a little easier for it. If their biological father had not existed, they probably would not relate to my experiences at all. The understanding of it is still hard for everybody. My parents in law were great examples of what parenting should and could be. Some find it hard to understand that every parent and child relationship may not follow the same model of love, affection, and support of one another. Unfortunately, the example of such did exist in their own experiences as well.

The whole point of this, is that I have a story to tell about estrangement on my birthday. It was a great birthday, and I almost hate writing about this the day after to sully any part of the memory a wonderful day. It may help someone to realize that they are not going through these experiences alone.

My brother in law, niece, and nephew dropped their car at our house so that my husband could shuttle us off to the beach. Bogey boards, a football, towels, and a beach chair travelled along with us. My niece was very excited to catch the waves for a second day in a row, and excited that I was coming along. My niece is an exuberant energetic pixy of a girl. You can not be shy with her, she doesn't know shy or reserved. You are going to get hugs and kisses, and you will like them LOL. Do not resist. It makes me feel bad that I am shy and reserved with my other nieces and nephews, and that is something I will have to work on. My niece has inspired me.

Anyway, we get to the beach, and pick a spot near the stairs. I do scan to see if the donor or monster is around, and I do not see them. Not that I care really, I just like to know whether or not they are there, so I don't bump into them unexpectedly. I would also not like to set up my chair right next to them, if you know what I mean. As we are walking along the ocean, my phone rings. My husband lets me know that he saw the donor walking up the stairs from there. So most likely, they are set up somewhere near us. No biggy, now I know and am not going to be surprised.

My niece and I start walking back after bogey boarding, and I realize "the man" in the straw hat is in actuality my step monster. The s donor has come back to join them. They are fifty feet away from us, as luck would have it. I am amused to see the monster turn her chair so her back faces towards me, once she realizes that I am there. We just went on with our day. The only difference it made in my day was having to explain to my brother in law why 1) we don't acknowledge each other (and it was more of a vague explanation than the hundreds of reasons why) and 2) why the donor does not try and wish me a happy birthday. You know besides the fact it is the memory of a mistake he made (yeah that would be me) when some seminal fluid leaked up the wrong leg. Plus the fact that I have apparently always reminded him and the monster of the e donor or the fact that there was an e donor in the past.

My birthday is perhaps not nor ever was a day of happiness for my donors, and that is okay. I did not end up being the replicant that the e donor wanted. I did not end up continually paying for the s donor's mistake and knowing my place in the world, as the s donor would have liked. I have gone on, survived, and do what makes me feel happy. I see in their weight and on their faces exactly how happy and fulfilling their lives are. They have what they so richly deserve. It does not make me happy, but if does feel like some kind of justice in the great scheme of things.

In the end the feeling of being near them was the feeling of being near strangers that you somehow just know are not the type of people you wish to or want to know. We have all been strangers for ages anyway. It is just official these days:)

Larger Group Photo

Labor Day 2008

Well our Labor Day family event came and went. Robert made delicious grilled chicken, hamburgers, and steak. He also made a mean Sangria.

We took the family on a tour of York and a bit of shopping. The cliff walk along Harbor Beach was our first excursion. I took some nice photos of the family that I need to photo shop later for those that came out too dark. I need to start not pointing the camera towards the sun, but instead so my subject matter is lit.

Then a bit of looky looing down in the "honkytonk" section of York.

A nice day overall.

Happy Fourth of July

The Dreaded Father's Day

I think a lot about my grandfather on this day. He was a man that liked doing projects. He liked birds and wildlife. He loved his wife, though she could be a bit much at times LOL. Sorry gram, but you know you drove everyone crazy, especially your husband. Heehee. However, those two spent so much time together, had trips, went bowling.... All in all, it was one of those friendships that should last beyond the grave. I hope gramp and gram have met up now. I also hope gramp, that you get the occaisional "errands" to give you a break as before.

Gramp loved kids and babies. He very much loved his grandkids and later great grand kids. He came from a large family of eight or nine siblings. I think he has one sister left, and everyone else has passed on. I hope my gramp has been reunited with them and his parents as well. I know it was tough for both Gramp and Gram to see their sisters and brothers mostly pass on before them. They both lived to see my step brother, Josh, die as well.

Happy father's day Grandpa. I miss you, and hope you are with your loved ones. We will see you a little later!! I hope you have found birds to feed up there!!

My father in law passed away earlier on this year. Actually just last month:( I hope he and my mother in law are united. They were also a dynamic couple who loved their kids and grandkids. When they were younger, they did a lot of traveling together. My father in law didn't feel quite up to it anymore later on in life. He had a very hard time with his bipolar disease through his whole life, but still managed to have an independent life, work, and support his family. It was a condition that would have put a strain on the best of marriages, but their marriage survived it.

He and my husband talked almost every day on the phone about something. He looooovvvveed sports. He had bonded with the boys over that early on. Although he was not biologically my husband's father, he was the only one to be a father to my husband thru both childhood and adulthood.

He also loved dogs, and he would talk to me about that as long as I wanted to:) Happy father's day Poop, you were a good dad to a lot of people. We will meet up with you later on!