Tuesday, November 09, 2010

On a different note, indirect inquiry from a relative

A relative that makes no attempt to have any sort of relationship with me, sent a message through his offspring (who does) asking this person to talk to me about ending the estrangement with my Sperm Donor.

We were having a nice dinner, and meeting a possible new addition to the family. I think I handled it well. I explained again, that I appreciate that Donor has not contacted me (well since the last inappropriate contact on my blog trying to shame me about college---which he didn't even pay for and which I apologized for more than 20 years ago---sigh) as has been requested by ME. That is unless some very specific changes come about, which includes respecting my boundaries and being to acknowledge my boundaries and that they exist. I believe I said "without a personality transplant, that is unlikely to happen";)

I am not hoping for that by the way. Some of it's funny, some of it's ugly, some of it's painful but I have done a lot of work on myself in the past five years. I have been able to acknowledge who my donors are, and why they do not work in my life. I have been able to face that they do not love or define love in the same way I do, and therefore, per my definition they never loved me. In fact, they seem to feed off hating me and abusing me (verbally and emotionally, and with the Sperm with the threat of hurling a heavy wooden chair at me, before smashing it on the ground, and with the step monster, slapping me out of a sound sleep one day when she didn't realize that Spermy was the one that was supposed to load the dishwasher). It's been all fun and games for them, as I spin and repress and try to make the best out of pleasing them.

That is not my life any more, and I thrive with that. I don't want to go back to that. I have done the work to get over any pathetic need for acceptance from them. I have looked at them, as I would never look at someone I loved, and found their characters and actions wanting. I would say that they had some balls to find so much about me to criticize considering their own white trash lives (and Spermy's penchant for hating women, using the S and N words and seeing nothing wrong with that while not in public---oh and hatred of alternative lifestyles) leave much to be desired.

Glass houses and stones and all of that... And as an excuse for deliberate abuse and hurt, well I don't accept it nor the "shit happens" and "people die so what" in regards to my mother in law. Nice loving empathetic people I come from. But you know, they didn't sexually abuse me and only let other people physically abuse me (or Spermy did anyway). Yeah, don't hold your breath my disinterested relative until you need to stick your big nose indirectly into my business, for the reconciliation. I have reconciled to never have that bastard in my life again, and I have embraced that as a very very good thing:)
I should say this November, that I am thankful that Spermy has kept to himself, and does not regularly post public falsehoods about me. However, I can appreciate that and not want the loser in my life. He has done enough to me, I have put up enough. And as I explained to him when he accused me of being a victim now, I said "nope, I was a victim them until I cut two particular parasites out of my life. now I am happy and usually healthy and not angry." Just keep the fuck away from me including the indirect messages to me, and blog posts about twenty years ago.
My obligations and duties (and payback) have been fulfilled long ago. 39 years work, 18 years of doing things Spermy's way against my better instincts. I am done, I have nothing left to give the donors of myself. That is reserved for people who are deserving and loving, even if they aren't perfect.
And to Spermy "just cause you don't live in a trailer, does not mean you aren't 100% white trash in my book".

1 comment:

Winterskiprincess said...

The communication lines were open with Spermy, BTW, until he was ripping up holiday cards and ignoring the correspondence sent (and verified as being ignored & ripped up by him) on the holidays. Most likely he is playing the victim to the family, and they feel "compelled" to fix it for him, not even thinking about me.