Friday, November 12, 2010

Humor and All It Hides

I did something big yesterday.   I mean big for me.   Communication is not something that happened normally or easily in my family.   In fact, I got the shock of my life in college once when a close friend says "you know you only call when you need something".   I was not where I am today to understand where that came from, but I realized it to be the truth.  I did not know why.   I understand now that the attention that I got from my donors was when they needed something.  Not just a hello or how are you doing?   So when I wanted to see my friends, I actually manufactured up stuff I needed to get their attention.  Way too deep for a 19 year old to understand, but I did change the way I communicated with my friends thereafter. 

Poor things though, I "cooked" for them as an excuse to get them over.   They MUST HAVE been very good friends then.  Hahahaha.  As a belated apology, I had no idea how bad my cooking was then.   I was eating soup out of cans cold, so my standards were not very high at the time.  I used to get anchovies on my pepperoni pizza just so I would have food left over the next day:)  Yet, they smiled, talked, and thanked me at the end of the meal.   Never did they let on that what they may have been eating was garbage:)  

The point is that my learned pattern of communication is something that I never recognized as being a problem.   It is a problem that I have sought to solve, but it hasn't been easy.   It involves putting oneself out there to people, who do not make them feel either safe or loved. 

So when I got a circularly distributed message sent to me, I licked my wounds for a bit.   Then yesterday it came to me, why not just take out the third party?   They have a phone, I have a phone.   Sure enough, the two lines connected, and I had a calm discussion with someone about their being able to talk directly to me if they have something to say.

It was very weird talking to a relative that has not once talked to me in four years (not either of my donors by the way).   It is actually fine that they don't, we don't have any kind of "real" relationship.   I used to spend time letting them know to come over, and then I just realized they had no interest in doing that.   So why was I spending my time worrying about that?   These are people in good times that I saw once or at the most twice a year!!  We had no more than the most superficial of conversations every year.  We can all ignore the truth and cling to tradition, but why?   What is the point exactly?   Why must I dance for their approval, and seek out their interest?  I have done the obligation thing, and it is no fun to dance with oneself, let me tell you. 

Why not just be real?   I mean not so real where you are like, when are you going to get rid of the wart with three colored hairs growing out of it real?  Plus that would be a really superficial thing to comment on, but I think my point is clear.   Here is my reality, there is more to being a family then sharing DNA.   I think that they think I sit at home alone pining for contact of any sort LOL.  It would never occur to them that I do in fact have a family, it just does not happen to include them.   It includes other people who I did not grow up with, and that is okay.   I am fine with it.  I am in a good place.

My relative said a very weird thing "we are all happy for the things that you have".  You don't have to look far to know that I am not about material things as a basis for my happiness.   Yes, I have house near the ocean with a good amount of land for my dogs to run on.   It also is a house that supports my business and my husband's job and headquarters.   We don't love the place because someone might think it's impressive, we love it because of what it affords us to do with our lives.   I adore the woods, and I own some of it.   The dogs love the woods too.   Our cars are both over 10 years old.   Our furniture is all used except for two pieces I believe.  Most of it given down to us by Robert's side of the family from their pre-deceased relatives.

Then there was the "what if our daughter didn't talk to us"?   Is that, like, within my power?   I guess I am a bad influence on my cousin, and I didn't realize how MY situation was directly impacting my relative.  It's interesting that they picked the female off spring, as this relative had a very bitter relationship with their female parent.  I would rather have no relationship based on being honest, then a false and bitter relationship based on repressed loathing through my whole life.   That's just me though.   And if it the truth comes out, and both parties can be honest and move on, it just might happen that a real relationship springs out of it.

This is very doubtful in my case just so you know.   I have no regrets about my decision and except for an occasional blip that is hurtful, I am very much at peace with this decision.  Does it make me cry or blue sometimes, well yeah sure?   Last time I checked I was made out of flesh and blood.

So now I go through all that, and see that my title of the post was "Humor and All It Hides".   I am not easily distracted, no really, I am not.   In talking to the relative, I of course made several jokes, that they clearly were not getting.   Like in saying "what if our daughter didn't talk to us", I said "why do you think we didn't have kids?  I didn't want to mess up as much as my (parents is what was said) donors did."   It's hard not to put up that screen to deflect away the hurt that you have at someone.   They are so worried about Spermy.  Spermy is an adult with 20 years on me.   I am know that he has made (and continues to make) those choices that effect the rest of his life.   I do believe he is not insane, and therefore entitled to continue making those choices as an adult.   It's as if I am the only one in this estrangement that is holding back.

And the beat goes on.


upsi said...

Thank you so much for sharing your phrase "love is a verb" - you really lifted me out of a pit of despair.


Winterskiprincess said...

Oh it's not mine, another poster said that to me, and they got it from someone else:) It's a carry forward. Let someone else know!

mulderfan said...

I'm in the "hurtful blip" stage myself. More of an occasional "minor annoyance" because I'm still LC with my "accidental" biological parents. I arrived at the blip bit fairly recently when I finally accepted (after 64 years) that they had exhausted my supply of love for those unworthy.

I've just found your blog and am working my way backwards. So pleased to meet up with another accident!

Winterskiprincess said...

Well thank you mulderfan! I hear from parents that had unplanned happy surprises, and it's too bad our donors couldn't have been on that adventure with us. Others come into our lives though, and they are the people I plan to shower my affections, as best as I can, on.

lifesizevision said...

I believe for my parents, "unplanned, unhappy surprise" fits the bill.

Love the blog, working my way through it!