Friday, April 29, 2011

Just Archiving Reasons as Part of the Female Donor History

I realized that I spent time on my mother's blog, and with e-mails explaining the reasons for our estrangement, so that she could stop publicly posting that "she had no idea".   However, I never did transfer these over to "my story", but they remain in "her post".

Here was my umpteenth explanation to her (in 2008):

Here is my list for you, since that format seems to make more sense for you:

1) Did not appreciate the hurtful lies on a board about my feelings about my grandfather or stepbrothers death, mainly because it was a hurtful response to your finding out I thought you were mentally and emotionally abusive.

2) You are mentally and emotionally abusive IMHO. Due to the fact that you have a one sided standard for a relationship. You are not able to accept boundaries (IE spying on me, interviewing family members, bi polar mentioning, other public board postings about medical info that could be written privately, the fact that you respond publicly most of the time to your "audience", and so on....I have mentioned them before).

3) While I have not pressed for more info on your "explanation" (there was none) of your mentioning my bi polar that was outside the realm of being spiteful and hurtful, as was in the past, instead of listening you EITHER make up your own stuff or start compiling "evidence". It never ends.

4) You don't listen. You don't absorb anyway. You make up lists, answers, other explanations, but the one thing that you do not do is listen. Or acknowledge or apologize. You do make dramatics for being asked to acknowledge or apologize. I was at first assuming these lists were an attempt to acknowledge, but I perceive a spin on my words coming about.

5) You have shown no interest in ME while you knew me. That is evidenced in your posting about my job and what you thought my strengths were. You were so busy making up negative stories, that you never enjoyed my successes or worried about my worries. Your worries centered around not getting the perfect gift. I did try to be there for you by doing things like organizing the clean up of your father's apartment, but it was never enough. And it was always about you.

6) You do not know how to have a two sided relationship. You do not understand love or define it the way I do.

7) You try to control things, and slam dunk things when they do not go your way. You assume that you are the only person that has gripes, and that you have nothing to gripe against.

8) Given the opportunity to move on, instead you took the opportunity to provide me with a "therapy" letter. You could not keep your word on the way our relationship could and was planned to go forward.

9) Given the opportunity to come visit and work it out, instead you took the opportunity to give a list of demands, after agreeing that we could do things that I liked to do for ONCE. Like I would force you to bike ride or anything, that wasn't the point. The point was you were again being controlling and manipulative. That would not fly anymore.

And I have grown, and continuing a relationship with my father was a huge mistake. It is possible that dissolving it sooner could have actually saved our relationship. Instead, it gave him more a sense of entitlement for his and her actions.

This is the list in my words. If you want to reword it, those are not my words. I won't re translate for you. I think I have been more than clear on my viewpoint. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are trying to understand, but the continued rehashing of this does no good.

I am really mystified as to what you are trying to get out of it. This has all been said before. There is nothing new here.

You could have listened and understood this years ago, though perhaps I wasn't so good at communicating. I apologize for that, however, I am not thinking I saw great examples of communicating in my childhood. I am not blaming anyone, I am just explaining as to why I may have lacked some skills.

Any how, I am really done now. I don't need responses to these, but do that for yourself if you want. You had mentioned going to my blog as a means to help you. I don't want you to, nor think you especially want to.....I am just saying, you can do what you want to do. I certainly keep on top of what you are blogging about. I don't use it as a method of communicating with you or your friends who are visiting. I don't write it with a thought of reconciliation, and I am sure there are harsh things there.

I just do a mental dump there, and like I said you are less than 10% of my postings. And most of my postings usually come along with thoughts of what was posted on your blog.

I do read your blog to reassure myself that I have not made a bad choice. Past actions should speak for themselves, but truth be told, I find it reassuring when you keep on making the same mistakes. I should say though, I appreciate your honesty of what really goes on in your head most times. I do feel as though you are "playing" me right now. Using an empathetic tactic, which clearly sucks me in. I have to honestly tell you, I don't see a time that I will ever trust that it is so. So if you are looking to get something by providing responses that you think I will appreciate it, it is for nothing other than perhaps the satisfaction that you may have made me feel better if not trustful.

****What is interesting to me about my own response to Eggy's manipulative questions and twists on my words, is that I don't really talk about the "final straw" that catapulted my knowledge of who my mother is/was/will be.  It is more about the future events after Egg Donor could not accept that I was not going to worry that her gifts were perfect representations of our "fantasy relationship" according to her.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Narcissists As Outsiders In Our Lives

The last line on One Angry Daughter's excellent post made me remember that I started the below post, and what great info this might be to someone who has not totally "come out" yet OR is not comfortable in their own skin.  It also fits into Upsi's topic where a cyber stalker has latched onto a better way to project their rage which their estranged daughter no longer allows.

I work self employed in an occupation that, frankly, does allow for some pretty questionable people to call themselves "professionals".   I mean this term as something outside of an actual craft, but as in ethics, teaching ability, empathy, compassion for others, honesty, experience (as in fabricated sometimes or a legend in their own mind)and business sense.  When things (especially honesty, ethics ET) are lacking, what can you really bring away from these people anyway?  Especially if their are people offering services who do have ethics, honesty, compassion, experience expertise, empathy, teaching ability and business sense.

I have this online list that I have been a member of since 2004.   The list was closed, moved, and remained in a "protected" state.   This means it is a safe place where "professionals" (and apparently some people's opinion differs than mine) can speak their mind.  It is also an unfortunate place where people are endlessly bullied to conform with some IMO pretty twisted thinking.   Since many of the members have been in some form or another "professionally" (and others this is not their full time career) involved with dogs, this means that another person can not have a different opinion.   Some of the bullies who keep others silent (and I know this due to the e-mails that I receive) will completely go off the topic without hesitation and attack you personally.  This is how I found out (had suspected due to a feedburner snafoo that probably one or more people had linked me to this blog) that these particular disturbed dog trainers had found me.

Was the conversation about family estrangement?  Er, no.   Though perhaps I took an unfair jab at Smellanour, who likes community rules changed to her liking (meanwhile if the shoe had ever been on anybody's foot prior to this, they would have been the object of her abuse) cause she didn't bother to research the canine legislation for these dogs who were "more than her pets" in a relatives illness.  (and since she claims to have been a rescue at that time, and running a rescue ....not really sure what the story was other than she wanted to get her way)  I normally wouldn't give someone a hard time about this, but she lives on a dog list that discusses greatly canine laws and how they limit owners.   She researched everything else of course except the canine laws and ended up with like 7 or 8 dogs too many and needed to rehome them.  Something she could have done easier and without drama, but in the end the community decided to keep their laws rather than cow down to Smellaneour.  Her mother was ill so she had moved, and that spiralled into the "I know all about you and your blog, you selfish so and so."  Cause you know the interesting thing about Smellenour or people like this in general is that they can ONLY empathize with themselves.  So even though my parents aren't dying and are fully wealthy enough to take care of themselves with better care than I could give them, now I am evil just in case I am in the same boat as her.  Of course, she knows what my decision would be, never mind that my donors may very well out live me!!!   LOLOL, but a delusional person like this can not see that HER situation is not only not the same as MY situation, but it is none of her fucking business.  AND that I don't need to think culling puppies is great when they can have full lives due to a defect AND I actually do not have to think the same way as she does.

It is weird that she was so fascinated that she stored this info for a long time, before springing it and actively follows me.  Weird, bizarre and more than a little sick, I think.  Whatever floats her boat though, apparently life is not full enough for her.  Glad I could help fill in some of the holes.

Yeah, the conversation was not about exceeding local law limits on canines either.  It was because I said "I don't believe in culling (killing) a puppy from a litter because it does not meet a standard, or because it has a defect but can live out their lives".  Oh, the bruh haha that ensued was remarkable, because I wouldn't take my opinion back.   An Airedale breeder whose name was something like pumpkin seed, needed to say that I didn't want to breed because I knew I would have to cull in that way from a comment that did not resemble that at all.

We all know this as gas lighting, straw man, red herring...   These people who exist feeding off the weaker simply because their opinions may vary than theirs, are people that don't realize others have outed their kind before.

And they are not worth our time.  I did unsubscribe from the list NOT because my (non) secret was out.   I can care less.   I don't care what they think about me as a dog trainer never mind my personal decisions in my life.  It was because I realized this is basically all the feedback you get on this list from these "professionals".   Most of whom can not play well with others, and so felt the need to leave all the professional organizations that they ever belonged to, because not everyone would think their way.

So hi my BOL club (Bitter Old Ladies),  and read away.  Hey, don't be an anonymouse next time, and let your name and opinions be known and shine.   Wanna tell anyone your views on culling or is that just on "secret" lists?

Gonna take more than that to ruffle my feathers.   Hey thanks for documenting those interesting items on that list though.  More people know how you really operate now, and it's not attractive.

Gotta wonder if this is the same person now stalking other people's blogs.   I could see these people doing this.  Especially now that they have been cut off from other venues of bullying, regulated to their "secret" list with other like minded bullies.   What fun is that for a bully to now be on a list where everyone opinions must be the same?   God, they have to branch out somewhere don't they.   So my apologies if they have branched out to a blog near you.