Saturday, April 29, 2006

Someone from The Home Town Checking In

Saw someone from my home town's been looking at my blogs. Don't think I left any clues to who I could possibly be, and have tried to search for myself to get to this blog, to no avail. Hoping it's not the B and T, good lord.Not that it makes any difference, but was hoping to keep this between me and the general public at large, sans them. Too many things could be completely mistrued. "For instance" the dad would love me a whole shit lot more, has nothing to do with any death wish on my part. More to do with the fact that he in fact is way more loving to people when he is on the podium at their funeral. Josh comes to mind for instance.Any way, hopefully it's someone at an educational facility doing research on family estrangement, and not the actually T himself. Not that it matters I guess, said most of this to him, except sans the profanity out of respect. And have been only respectful to the B in person, and this is my area to get out all the profane things that would have "felt good" to say, but were in fact NEVER EVER said to her or anything even close to it. And never would be, there is no reason to. Would be giving her power over me that she never deserves.

Any way, if you are B and T, go away, doubt there will be anything of interest to you here going forward, unless the B still thinks there is hope of selling our house, the opportunistic.....well you know.Good life, if it's you. Stay the heck out of mine----thanks.

Humor About the Horrific

It has occurred to me that on this blog, I have been unable to right humorously about this horrendous event in my life, as some others are able to. That has been one of my goals, and I am going to have to think about it.The other goal was to dig deep into the ugliness, think I can check that one off LOL. At least in the couple of posts where I hit the descriptions of estrangement, and maybe not the raging posts so much. I dunno.Any way, need to think about how to do that for my own edimification LOL. For instance, today had a huge diarrhea accident from my foster dog, and am pretty confident I will be able to write about that humorously.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Big Fats Lexus Next Street Over

That's what we call BA now Big Fat. Not nice to overweight people around the world, but really to good for BF (vs BA) LOL. Pretty strange that the cunt and my dad are one street over during the summer, and I am not speaking to them. Sorry for the abusive language there, but she really really is. So interested to see if I see two vehicles there today, or just the one. And what does that mean? Even if it did mean what it probably does, dad does not get any points for it, because he's a materialistic opportunist shithead, who is probably just worried about who will take care of him when he is old. He really doesn't give a shit about me, no matter what he says.If I was dead, he would "love" me a whole shit load more than he does while I am alive.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Final E-Mails

To Tony in response to following post:

You very well know that Robert also expressed BA shouldn't be brought up to me if you are going to hide behind my husband.And you could let me know you are going to honor that boundary in an e-mail without talking to me.That is obvious, and I shouldn't even have to state it. But then you had to get the last matyred word in.Robin

From Tony in Response to Following Post:

Robin,In my last communication with Robert, way back when this all came to a head, he advised me to do what is in my heart. I have, I've apologized. I can't do more than that, because I can't speak with you. I've done what is in my heart and you've done what is in your. You won't hear from me again, I love you and if you ever want to talk I'll be happy to talk with you. I only wish you and Robert the best

To Dad in Response to Below Apology:


I don't think it's nice not to respond to an apology. So in short, I wish I could accept the words below. I can't though, as they don't mesh with your actions.There are instances when you have known you were hurting me, and kept on doing it, especially in recent events, and not done what was needed to be done not to hurt me. I do understand this may not be deliberate, but that's not exactly comforting either. At least if it was deliberate, you would know the things you were doing were inappropriate.I do really need to spend time now on my growing business, marketing, taking care of my clients. We are at a known impass anyway, and any further discussion is an exercise that won't get either of us anywhere.I wish you well. I do thank you for the below thought. Please respect my wishes not to be contacted unless you can respect my boundaries. It's my fault this discussion has gone on for responding in the first place. I am sorry for that, and so I won't be responding again.Robert and I are well, and enjoying our life in Maine.Robin

Apology offered by Tony:

Its hard writing to you about how I feel and having you put a spin on it that was never intended.A. I wasn't the father I should have been to you during the divorce and during my remarriage.B. If I've done things to hurt you, and I have, I'm sorry.C. I'm not perfect, far from it. But, I'm not a person who would hurt you deliberately. I should have known what I was doing and I didn't. If you had told me what is was doing was hurting you I would have tried to fix it. We'll never know. My fault I hurt you, I take responsibility.Thats as clear as I can get. I hope that you can accept my apology.Dad

He Just Doesn't Get It

It's tough when you've made what you consider a healthy decision regarding you and your family, and it's just disregarded and not respected. Especially my dad who is trying to side step the issues to regain the control that he has thought he had all this time, but in reality hasn't.He just doesn't get it.

First of all, he comes from a background where the women are the backbone of the family, but were not considered equals. Therefore, this attitude of ownership exists, whether you are a wife or a daughter. "I won't force you to have a relationship with BA", yeah like he has a choice? No, I choose who I have relationships with, and she blew it big time. Luckily in a very public way, so anyone who knows the situation is for once not questioning me about that one.Tony can't get that the same old manipulations that haven't been tried since I was a teenager don't work on this adult (going on) forty year old woman. I just don't fall for that, and actually never did. When I was younger, I just lacked the skills to call him out. I needed a dad then, although I in fact had none that I could count on, and I thought it was soooooooo important that I just do anything to keep him in my life, even though he brought nothing positive to it.He claims he is not dumb or blind, I personally think he is both. He also claims to respect my feelings, well then he would respect the boundaries that I have clearly described.

At the same time, it does bring back the old guilt when he e-mails, and make me feel sad for him (right up until I think about how he's acted during this whole situation). I do want to accept that apology, but I know I CAN'T. Deep down I know what that is, just another way of sidestepping him actually having to unselfishly respect my feelings. He definately has known when he's been hurting me. Like he says, he deals with it with "anger" first. That should read intimidation, and it must drive him nuts that he can't smash a chair next to me like in the old days when he wanted to intimidate me.He's really an ugly person, inside and out. Just remembering those days makes me feel absolutely sick inside. Then to be allowing his wife to physically and emotionally abuse me. I would never ever allow anyone to hurt my kid. There would be hell to pay. But it would have made his life difficult, and so there you go. You get what you gives sometimes.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Tony's Weak Excuse

Response to Tony's Post Below:

Two points to clear up here:

"I guess I was really afraid to be closer because of what happened between you and your mother. I would alway tell her that you would set the limits of our relationship because I had done such a poor job of protecting you during the divorce. "

Robert was in the hospital when the rift occurred with my mother for his colon problem. She started making demands on the quantity and quality of Christmas gifts she wanted during a period of time that was hard. By the way, we always sent her gifts, and gifts that we liked and thought she would enjoy. It could of ended there, but she harrassed me non-stop for months during this period of time. She is in fact still arguing it on her own blog today that started 4 years ago, where she has a wedding picture of me defaced. I have corresponded with her many times this year via e-mail. In my opinion, she is a very sick woman.

The reason we do not speak, and the reason you and I aren't speaking has nothing to do with the divorce, as I have mentioned several times. It has something to do with your marriage(s), and how you feel it's totally appropriate to drag me into the mess that was both of them (according to your own wife now). Also, how it's totally appropriate for your current wife to be abusive to me. so again, DIVORCE = GOOD. In fact, you and mom both get a gold star for FINALLY getting divorced. It was pre and post divorce that was the problem for me. It was always about you guys, never about being there for me.

"I felt that I owed you at least that much, not to pressure you for more of a relationship than you wanted. "Again about you and what you want.

There is no doubt there are going to be limits on the relationship on both sides if we ever speak again. I have boundaries you are never going to be allowed to cross unless you become a completely different person. Everyone has a right to have a part of them that is theirs. It's not about controlling me and molding me, and having me reflect back the relationship you always invisioned when I was born. It's about the reality of the situation, who we are, and even if we can coexist in a relationship.I can't and won't reflect back the relationship my mother wants with me. That would mean not having a husband, and catering to her fantasy of trips together where we only do what she wants, and she abandons me, as she did before at a mall, when she gets ticked off. Not going to happen for her. There were other ways we could have gone that have been offered to both her and you.Too many chances have been offered, in my opinion.

Weak Explanation from Tony:

I guess I was really afraid to be closer because of what happened between you and your mother. I would alway tell her that you would set the limits of our relationship because I had done such a poor job of protecting you during the divorce. I felt that I owed you at least that much, not to pressure you for more of a relationship than you wanted. I guess that was the wrong strategy, I guess I was just a chicken. Anyway, I hope you are happy and that you and Robert are loving your new life inLove,Dad

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Reply to An Apology

No harm has been done, I just didn't want any lasting "confusion" to be on my part at all. If you are unclear on my reasons, I wanted to reiterate what they were again.I know how it feels to hurt over these familial problems. I was quite hurt (when my request to let this house sale be a non-problem was not honored by either of you). I was further hurt when you both insisted on revisiting it, knowing that Robert's mom was dying. It was pretty crushing to me, because although I believed you both to be selfish and controlling, I thought in the end that my plea to be left alone during this extremely painful portion of me and Rob's life would be respected.

Not only did you both bother him during a stressful time (he won't say this but I will), but you made this selling of our personal property so much more than that. It didn't need to be. I am sorry the other e-mails hurt you, but I wanted you to know this was not the only incident that was making me feel completely disrespected and uncared for. It would have been pretty bad even if this was the only incident, but the fact is, it wasn't. Not by you or by Betty Ann. I had never meant to tell either of you these things, as the past is the past. I am not going to change the person you are, or who Betty Ann is. It would be an exercise in futility, but I can control how I allow myself to be treated and what my boundaries are. There is no denying that. I have gone through enough pain about this in my life.

Finally, you furthered the hurt by not allowing us to just work on our relationship, but again insisting on jamming Betty Ann down my throat as you did 18 years ago. I should have never given in to you then, and we would either be beyond this point now, or we wouldn't have talked since. And I further take responsibility for repairing the breach with Betty Ann when her mother died. I gave her the idea that she could still do this, but she used to be a lot more subtle about it.

Parents during estrangement say "I didn't know this, therefore it's your fault". According to the above, to an extent that is true. However, just because you don't know that someone doesn't like to be verbally and emotionally abused does not mean that you have the right to continue to do that. Also, when I stood up for myself in the past, you made my life miserable, and the only way I have been able to cope for the last 18 years is to make as few waves as possible. I also don't like to be the B word that Betty Ann is very comfortable being. It doesn't make for nice relationships for me, and these are relationships I shouldn't have to fight that hard for. I know because I have them and other people have them, it is quite possible to disagree; respect anothers wishes, respect their different beliefs, respect their different values, and still love them (through actions not words) as a cherished person. I don't know how you can be "confused" about my rage to hear from BA that I have been ruining your marriage for 18 years. I do not know how you can be confused by my "rage" when you refused to do this with me on the phone. I do understand your "confusion" that I verbalized my incredible anger and disbelief that you were being a party to this. And I am not saying you need to step up for me, I am more than capable of defending myself. But to defend her to me after the incident 18 years ago, even if you do not acknowledge her actions presently, is disgusting. "Neutral" I would tolerate. What you have done instead is unacceptable.Until this incident, I have treated both of you as cherished family members. Both of your disrespect, not subsequent e-mails, has hurt me deeply and caused a relationship with you to be impossible for me. If at some point, you can see this "condition" that you demand is not acceptable, we may be able to talk (I realize this would require you to make an unselfish act on your part). As is, please do not contact me again.I accept your apology below. I am going to work on my business again now, and continue enjoying the life and people in it that I am lucky to have, and show me the same.


Monday, April 03, 2006

Another E-Mail From Tony

E-Mail from Dad:

Dear Robin,

I have resisted trying to make contact with you again. I am trying to
respect your wish to be left alone. I guess today I'm feeling really sad
about what has happen between you and me and I'm still confused about it
all. I did attempt to sign up for the family page, I'll find out when I get
home if I've been accepted (I can't access any other emails from school).If you choose to reply you can send it to (just kidding that's not an his e-mail link). I don't checkthat email very often but I will for the next couple of days.

I hope you and Robert are well and I miss both of you very much.

My Reply to Dad---Note the above e-mails are fairly common from him (not e-mails but implied in conversations or arguments et), and a ploy to get me to contact so we can start the whole cycle over again:

We are well. I am unsure about your confusion, I think I have been very clear. When you say your confused, to me you are saying "I don't bother to read or absorb anything you say or write". Further more it says to me "I can't believe you are blowing out of proportion my and BAs right to verbally abuse you and take advantage of you every chance we get". Finally it says "I am confused, I didn't know you had a backbone, how inconvenient for me".

I think I have gone over all these points in great detail. I made my choices, and was very clear on the boundaries I was willing to accept. I will not be sucked into any martial problems you are having. I will not discuss someone that I gave 18 years, giving her the doubt, being nice, and very thoughtfully calling and giving an explanation I didn't need to give to her, only to be told that I have been ruining her marriage for 18 years. I will not listen to not one more explanation/excuse for her behavior from you. Been there, done it your way, it is over. Warned you about this 18 years ago. I am not some 13 year old girl crying to her guidance counselor trying to cover for her father's verbal and emotional abuse. I am an adult who won't stand for it any more. Have in fact put up with that.

I only wonder what errand you needed me or Robert to run that made you so sad yesterday. That's about the only time I heard from you or Betty Anne for that matter. Then there was when I would say no to Betty Ann, the phone call that came from you to force me to do it with guilt. All over. All over is also the triangulated conversations via you for every time Betty Ann is displeased. What cowards you both are. I am able to have conversations directly with those I am displeased with, and face what comes out of them.

Sorry not interested. Your e-mails speak volumes of where you are, and you are not a person that is healthy for me to have in my life. I don't miss our relationship at all. It was like I was a balloon tethered to the ground, and finally I got some scissors and cut that string. I don't need to be made to feel like crap all the time.

Other people enjoy my company, include me as a valued family member, and call me just to talk. If on the infrequent occaision that I need help, they are there for me if my car breaks down, or my dog needs to go to the vet and my battery is dead, or I just need to talk. Meanwhile Robert & I raced around like eager puppies when you crook your fingers.

Not that I would mind being there for people if 1) when I have a reason to say no, it's respected and 2) the one time in 18 years I ask for a favor (like don't make this house selling thing a problem for us right now) that was respected. It's not though, and it never will be.I will probably never be convinced that you have the capacity for a two way relationship with me. I think there is something lacking in your character that just prevents you from having any empathy to anyone else that does not suit your purposes or goals. You are controlling and manipulative. An e-mail like this is something you regularly use to suck me right back in, so you can make the same controlling demands on me.You can say you are "confused" all you want, I have been clear. I am comfortable with my decision.


Apology From Tony

Robin,My confusion stems from the fact that I never saw this coming. I'm not blind or stupid, but I was caught by surprise by how you felt about me. They say ignorance is bliss, well its not. I was ignorant about how you felt about me and Bettyann, my fault, my problem. My being confused has nothing to do with my not understanding how you feel, it is about my having not seen this coming and not having done anything to prevent this kind of a rift. I have read your emails over and over again, they still hurt. I apologize for any hurt my email might have caused, it wasn't meant that way. My sadness is with me everyday, yesterday it was just overwhelming. Sorry, no harm meant.Dad

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Dream of Tony and House of 1000 Corpses

These are two seperate dreams by the way on two seperate nights (full length features the both of them). I have been having nightmares galore lately. Could be from seeing Saw II finally, but was not overly impressed.

Dream 1:

Grandma Caputo just died. I go over the house to help dad and the bitch, when they didn't want me over to help, they plan to keep me there and poison me. They are hoping that their names are somewhere on my life insurance policy. Course where Robert is in the dream, and if they are planning on killing him too, I don't remember. No mystery what this dream means to me. Dad is a materialistic ass, and Betty Ann is even worse. People mean far less to them than money.

Dream 2:

I am stuck in the movie House of 1000 Corpses, I don't think this during the dream, but all the characters (bad guys and girls) are the same as the first movie. I am a really pretty girl of color (only part of the dream that is good, I have this amazing long curly black glossy hair). In the first dream sequence I am killed in a gory way right away (don't remember----think I blocked it out----I am sure I am not at a loss for images after Saw II). In each dream instead of being chase through the house and the caverns underneath, I am chased through the town where conveniently (or very inconveniently for me) everyone is friends with this family even when they appear to be trying to help you. Course the whole family also works in mundane jobs in the town, so you are likely to be spotted very quick, and then hunted down by the Dr Satan goons who ride a battered old VW van that's been scorched and banged up a bit.Then my parallel universe me gets to try again, I live longer, but in the end everyone is dead. There is a pack of people that I don't know that I am trapped with, but everyone is killed so quickly we don't get so well acquainted.Despite how it might sound now, I am terrified through the whole dream. Especially when they kill my dogs Jazz and Leon, who are mother and baby tiger pets of mine.Whooo boy, huh? No idea what this dream means except I probably watch way too many horror movies.