Bipolar Disorder Info

The following are links about BiPolar disorder. This is what I have, though really no tests were ever done, just descriptions of how I was feeling. Sort of a funny story, I finally went for help during a time where my company was being acquired and moving.

***Note my E Donor thought this meant I couldn't hold a job when I talked about this. However, there is little one can do when their company is closed down and moved to Wisconsin or Georgia. Oh, yes they wanted me to move to, but silly me wanted to live where I wanted to, which is on the north eastern coast near our beautiful oceans (.7 miles away baby)

It was a very stressful time. I think 9/11 had just happened to. So I waited until I thought I could talk without crying. When I got to the office however, and started to talk about it, I just balled and balled. We talked awhile about what was going on, and Me and Celexa met for the first time. What a friggin relief!! Much more able to deal with a stressful situation like I normally would (nose to the grindstone and move forward).

I just thought it was funny, here I waited until I felt my mood was under control, and it was not. This was the first time this poor doctor met me too, and I think she was a little alarmed at the response, but I have never been suicidal or prone to hurting myself during "the blues" or "the manic" periods. I have been prone to hiding under the covers, or working all night long on something that really isn't that important.

Any who here are some links:

BiPolar Misc Information

The following related conditions are also talked about (and this is what I most likely suffer from, as I function well without the meds, but truly internally feel like crappolla):

Cyclothymia or Cyclothymic Disorder
Cyclothymia is characterized by manic and depressive states, but neither state is of significant duration or intensity to warrant a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder or of Clinical or Major Depression or Unipolar Disorder. Cyclothymic Disorder is diagnosed where there is a history of hypomania, with no previous episodes of mania or severe depression.

Dysthymic Disorder (otherwise known as Dysthymia or Dysthemia)
Dysthymic Disorder symptoms are milder and longer-lasting than those of Major Depression, and they are usually not disabling. This disorder may develop in childhood, but usually emerges in middle age. It is common for dysthymic patients to experience major depressive episodes. Also referred to as neurotic depression, minor depression, or intermittent depression, characteristics include at least a two-year history of depressed moods, with episodes lasting two or more days. Dysthymic Disorder is not severe, has less impact on daily activities, but can last for years, or even decades.

Bi Polar (mothers day sequence continued)

My mother brought up a subject on her blog (out of spite, of course) that I do talk about here. I don't talk about it so much, as the condition really does not affect me, since I have found the right medicine and the right dose. My mother, of course, attributes this to why I don't find her to be a nice human being (or my father or step although she does not find them to be nice human beings). It's the whole "I own you" and "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you" mind set. That is true, my mother and father did not sexually or physically abuse me (however no one owns me). They were emotionally and mentally abusive (with my father threatening physical abuse by smashing a chair near me) and very very controlling, which only got worse with adulthood. My step actually physically abused me once, right before I smacked her back (so she would never forget that I stick up for myself) and walked out of the house in a t shirt, underpants, and no socks in a blizzard.

My mother portrays my estrangement as leaving "everyone that loves me". I find this such a funny statement. Maybe they (not the step however) believe they love me, but that is because they recognize the emotions used to control and manipulate as love. I was very confused by my husband and his relationship with his parents, as I was always expecting the other shoe to drop with them. "Why the interest in me, what do they want from me?" As opposed to "Hey they are interested in me, they must really like me". I am estranged from the in laws due to their deaths, we were friends during their lives. Unfortunately, that is one estrangement that I have not chosen. The estrangements that I have chosen, were chosen well, and have served to enrich and change my life. These estrangements have nothing to do with bi polar, as my mother claims to have researched. If she had researched bi polar, she would know some things about it.

First of all, apparently I have cyclomania and not bipolar, because I am able to function without the drugs at all (not at a level that Iwould like) and very easily with drugs that are mild. Celexa is my drug of choice. I have just moved up to 40 mgs as 20 was not doing it any more.

With this mental illness, you really know the difference between being in it, and feeling like your normal self. Other people can not necessarily see that you are in it. The ones that ACTUALLY DO love me the most have no idea that I am in it, unless they drop by while I am huddled under my covers in bed. It's basically just highs and lows. I am more prone to the lows. In other words, sadness that does not go away and nothing is going on that would make me that particularly sad. The highs are untapped energy that comes forth and makes me extremely productive, so much so that I burn out by wanting to stay up all night doing something. It has nothing to do with my relationships with people, and I take my meds for me and how I feel internally. I graduated college (with a 3.5), rose to an executive position, and did all sorts of things before finding the meds so I wouldn't get the blues so much.

That is all bipolar is. It is not some scary disease that warps your brain. Your internal chemistry just needs a bit of a tweak. My mother says I blame her for this. Don't know why as she doesn't say she has anything LOL. My grandmother has something, but if it's this there is something else there. God, I would much rather have this than my husband's asthma any day (and not have my recent allergies that have made me much more miserable than bi polar). I would much rather have this without the meds than my husband's asthma. I mean the blues are bad. I don't really possess the words to describe how bad they are. Once you are out of it, you almost forget how bad it can be.

But getting the right meds and dosages, brings that puppy right under control. I saw one lady describe this as "it's like living on a island that has raging tropical storms, and then brilliant days that never end no matter how exhausted you are. And then you get normal rain showers and some good weather days." It just brings everything back to the middle of how you feel internally. You are still able to have your opinions, however, and mine are well founded....on the fact that some people are just ugly. I mean inside. Ugly, controlling, narcisitic, sexist (added in my S Donor's case), racist (added in my S Donor's case), selfish, unable to recognize love if it bit them in the ass. Oh, and let's mention not able to give or recognize when an apology is warranted.

I have in the past alluded to the fact that my E Donor may have narcistic personality disorder, as my opinion and not my diagnosis nor a diagnosis from her doctor. I think that is different than announcing something that you know is a diagnosis on a blog for the purposes of demeaning someone only (something my mother claims never to have done in her life). I do have those demeaning rants on my mother, but no medical diagnosis were included, though some other adjectives were . I honestly do not feel sorry for that, as they were in response to something she said, and I felt justified in getting my anger out in that way. Plus I don't seek a reconciliation. I am always amazed at the fact that she just doesn't break down and say, well maybe I did some things wrong. You think??????? Not the, "I am sorry for whatever it is you think I may have done phrase". I mean for the lying alone about the wedding being the reason for our estrangement to her friends. Or I dunno how about the lie that I did not care that my grandfather or step brother died on a board that she thought I would never find. This was in response to a conversation with my aunt or huband (she wrote SIL, so it's son in law or sister in law, but she won't tell other than it's not Aunt Rae LOL), where she found that I thought she was emotionally and mentally abusive as well as controlling and manipulative. So what she did, was perform those very activities on a board LOL. Good judgement and logic that.

Is it right for me to post ALL my thoughts on my E Donor? I don't know, maybe not. I do apologize for giving my opinion of a diagnosis when just reiterating that she is an ugly sort of person would do. An adjective and not a diagnosis that I would use for her is narcistic. She has no care for anyone in her life that does not revolve around her or validate her existance in some superficial way. That is probably not a mental disorder, just who she is IMHO. She does not admit or recognize this in herself, perhaps honestly. She has lived her life her way, and done the things she has done out of "love" in her opinion. All I have to say is YIKES!!!

Whallopped with the Blues

I have been so good about taking my allergy and bipolar meds. Recently though, the renewal for my bipolar med lapsed, and I ended up missing two days.

Huge mistake, instead of getting the manic part, I am way down in the dumps. Had a crying jag all yesterday. It so sucks.

Everything is suddenly so "heavy" feeling, and you feel you are unable to deal with any of it. But life goes on, and you have to whether you feel really bad or not.

I hate it, I really do. Why can't my body just regulate the appropriate hormones or whatever?

Sunday Secret

I feel weak because I need to take medication for my condition.

Inspired by this site.

Oh The Difference A Few Days On Celexa Makes

Sometimes I forget the pill, and then think "hey, what if this thing is all in my imagination?" I think because secretly I still feel judged. Judged by who? I don't know. Certaintly not the people that love and care about me.

Anyhow, for the benefit of those who sometimes think they may have a problem, here is what I feel when it happens to me. Extreme reluctance to bathe (I am not saying I don't, I am saying getting there and doing that are suddenly a monumental task) Things that I enjoy suddenly spark no excitement or happiness in me. Things that are upsetting will always be upsetting, but this strikes when everything is basically okay. You feel like you are cut off and completely alone. Also without the will to move or do anything productive whatsoever.

I have mentioned that I probably had this at least from Junior High. It's something that I masked easily during those years. However, when you finally really get out of the "funk", there is no mistaking that this is the real you. When you are not the real you, you sorta know it, but don't know how to get there.

Depression Gets to The Best of Us

Owen Wilson, one of my favorite funny male actors, is reported to have possibly tried to commit suicide. I don't know that he has anything like bipolar, but I am including that in this journal as an example of possible depression. People don't realize how deep depression can go. The thought that you won't "come out of it" can be a bit much.

Even celebreties like Owen are suseptible to life and it's stresses. One can only imagine that life started to be perceived as too much for this successful male actor.

I have thought a lot about suicide lately. Especially in having a brother in law who has not dealt with health problems related directly to his weight. John Candy, for instance, left us way to early.

They say that the class clown is masking feelings of sadness or dispair. We would really like to think that they feel as happy and fun inside as they feel outside, sadly that is not always the case.

Owen, get better. We need your laughter and fun in our lives. Your fans support you in your new journey to deal with this, and hope very much that you come out the other side not only alive, but happy in your life and the people around you who love you.

Bipolar vs Cyclothymic

I got the following info off the http://www.bipolar.com site. I often have questions as to the severity of my type vs what others might have.

Bipolar I Disorder — In this type, you have had at least one episode of mania or mixed mood and often experience depression too. In between, your mood may be normal. Sometimes your mood swings happen when the seasons change.

Bipolar II Disorder — In this type, you have had at least one episode of depression and at least one period of hypomania. Hypomania is a milder form of mania. In between, your mood may be normal. Sometimes your mood swings happen when the seasons change.

Cyclothymic Disorder — This is a milder form of bipolar disorder. You may go back and forth between mild depression and a slightly elevated mood. But your mood swings are shorter and less severe. Many people with cyclothymic disorder go on to have a stronger type of bipolar disorder. This doesn’t happen to everyone, though.

Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified — This type of bipolar disorder is when you do not fit into the types mentioned above. The feelings of bipolar disorder vary from person to person.

And since I forgot my meds for a few days, I figured I will try and write about what it feels like. I didn't mean not to take them, but I have always had trouble remembering my everyday stuff (like birthcontrol---reason why we went another route). Now my dogs do get their medication daily, and normally that is the trigger to take mine, but somehow I also let this slip.

So when I get it (apparently it affects people in all different ways), I feel slightly scrambled and foggy now. I feel differently at different times. Like my mind wants to race but it's bogged down by something. I feel sluggish. Hard to enjoy things I normally enjoy (sound like any commercials you hear?). I can function but it's a little bit of a struggle to get myself up and about.

It doesn't happen often now, but on times like this when I have let things start to slip, and then I need to give myself a boot in the butt to get going again, and pay attention to the care of myself.

Many people think this disease is something it's not. I think it needs to be either very severe or combined with another disorder to create the extremes people seem to think about OR those extremes are totally different disorders. With me any, and with many people it's largely an internal struggle.

Bi Polar Log

Haven't shared on my friend, bipolar depression. I actually haven't suffered any tangible set backs in awhile. Pretty impressive considering the worry about Rob's job's industry and all. Usually that is a good trigger for a downward spiral, I guess the medicine is doing it's job. Yeah, Celexa.

Course having something like this, you do always worry that it's instead deadening your state into a false sense of security when you should be panicking LOL. It's funny, because I used to be the worry wort, now my husband is. Better this way for sure. It was under the same set up where my income was the largest and most important, and his not so much. We are reversed these days, and I guess going with that incredible burden is the other incredible burden. Worry, and this happens even when you don't need to worry.

Rob's current company, that he's been at less than a month, was just bought out. Yahoo. Let the games begin. In the conference call, which seems to be all the rage in breaking the news these days, they said "there are no plans now to downsize, although we hold the right to make those determinations in the future."

Translation, glad Robert has been looking into another opportunity that he was offered. He is still so niave, and couldn't read that statement for what it was. WE ARE DOWNSIZING, WE JUST WANT YOU TO STAY FOR THE MOMENT, BEFORE WE LAY YOU OFF WITH NO PARACHUTE TO CATCH YOU. I understand corporate America speak very well. I still have nightmares about being at one of those jobs. They are never happy dreams, although I was never laid off without requesting (or giving them no choice:) for the severance package. I think I said something like "you can either KNOW when I leave, or you can be surprised". No one wants a surprise when the comptroller leaves, especially if they are any good LOL. It was a good move on my part, because despite their "promises" they cut the severance package into 1/3 after I left.

I hate that my poor hubby has to go through this. What really frosts me is that he's afraid to take his cholesteral meds or asthma meds for fear of any possibility of failing like the fourth drug test he is going for. This other opportunity is really important to him. Anything happens to him, and I am going after these companies that do these drug tests. I feel like such a weenie now for going along so voluntarily, just because I or anyone might not have anything to worry about.

But again ADD, I digress. My depression has not been the problem it's been in the past. However, my allergies are whipping my large white ass!!! My poor dog, Leon, suffers from these as well.

Exercise/Bi-Polar/Health

Wow, I just blew yesterday completely off. I wasn't in the mood, and I was feeling tired and worn out. You can't be feeling healthy every day, but I was convinced that it was because I recently went off Lexpro. Instead I think it was the exercising I have been doing, and the decreased calories, and the allergy season. Also, took lame allergy medicine yesterday, and I think that sealed my fate for the day.

Did go to bed at like 8PM yesterday, and woke up feeling refreshed and myself again. Husband was thoughtful, and purchased some good allergy medicine. Go figure, no sneezing, itchy eyes, headache or the feeling that I am about to go to sleep on my feet.

Also, wasn't going to eat dinner last night, but caved in due to the feeling. Go figure, I actually did perk up and felt better. Was still tired though so figured I would sleep for the night.

Going to see my doctor soon, and managing and medicine are going to be key topics. I know you can control a lot of what I have with proper exercise and diet. God knows the stress in my life has been managed to a great degree by leaving the corporate world, and estrangement from people that give me nothing but grief.

This seems to be a Good Place to Keep My BiPolar Log

Who I am is a deep dark secret. Not that any of you care LOL. There are about two people in the world searching, and have in the past found this blog.

Well that's not true, clients last time had stumbled upon this blog with the user name being the same as my client blogs and all. I am sure they wanted to just find the other clients blogs to see how they were doing:) That's when I disassociated this blog from those blogs. Yikes. Plus the two people I was intentionally trying to screen out finding it. Now it's renamed, and hopefully they have forgotten my user name, or it seems so.

I see that many foreign people come here, and, um, medical places. Hope I am not in any kind of involuntary research or something. At least they can't give me trial drugs over the power lines LOL.

Why people from Japan and Turkey though? Well, I am sure they have family estrangement over there, what country or group of people doesn't, right? I am sure they also have to fight illnesses.

In so far as illnesses go, I will take the mental illness I have rather than say asthma which my husband has. Or diabetes or arthritis or legal blindness or or or. At least the one I have whether it's bipolar or cyclo (whatever that last part was LOL) is pretty acute. It does disable me, but unlike with asthma, I know I am totally safe when I am suffering from it, and that I can get out of bed physically. I mean it's not as easy as just making yourself getting out of bed. I think the lady on the spangelmonkey blog said it best, that her breakthrough was realizing the feelings she was having and her change in behavior, was due to the belief that she would never feel any other way than she did at that moment.

Bibpolar or cyclo (whatever) can have periods when you are in a downswing for years, months, or weeks. That is a looooonnnnngggg time to feel like that, trust me. It's like someone died close to you, or having the feelings you would if that happened, but knowing that didn't actually happen, so what the F are you feeling that way for!!!!! You feel worthless, like a looser, you self medicate by eating or drinking or whatever it is (normally bad never like exercising and eating real healthy) that temporarily takes that away. As you can imagine, for some people who have this condition, it gets quite desperate. They just want everything to stop. Luckily I have never felt like that, I wanted to find a way to turn around the feeling, and knew it would stop. But never ever have I had thoughts of suicide. That may change as I get older, because what I have learned is your chemistry is changing all the time.

Today for example, I feel completely myself. I wish I could take all sorts of chemical, blood, and urine tests right this moment, and target that blood or hormone chemistry that is me feeling like me. And then that could just be regulated similar to the way you would regulate diabetes.

Yesterday and the day before, felt a bit manic or depressed, I couldn't decide LOL. I would imagine not manic as I got nothing done, and I can usually take advantage of those episodes for that. On the other hand, I was able to rate 1314 movies on netflix on those two days. Oh, I guess I was a bit manic LOL.