Saturday, May 31, 2008

Warning, Stalking Crazy Lady Alert

The enclosed picture is just a funny picture that I found BTW, and not a picture of the Estrangement Queen.

I should warn readers, and perhaps put up this message on a monthly basis. If you poke the Estrangement Queen (and you will only be likely to know who that is if you follow this blog), she will try to glean any information that she can about you. She will try to hunt you down. She does not understand the definition of boundaries, unless it relates to her.

It's sad yet true. I don't even know how she found out where one person works!! Here is what she said about another that dared to disagree (and what she went out and found about about him):

"Mr. Blue/Keillor told me that I wasn't really estranged, that my style was combative, and that I shouldn't write a book. It sounded to me like, "Silly woman! Get your head on straight! Your daughter isn't really not talking to you but you have a combative style and that is the problem and, for heaven's sake, don't write a book .... that would be just .... silly!"My response to this in email was ... combative! I informed Mr. Keillor/Blue that he must have issues with his mother and/or his ex-wife and that I had sent in my question to him as an experiment in asking a columnist anything and he had failed the test! Thereby confirming for him his point about my combativeness! Remembering that makes me smile a bit."

Yes, he failed the test by not agreeing with her, and must have a problem with women because he agreed WITH HER DAUGHTER who didn't even have to talk for herself for the point to come across!!

"Dear Rejected,This is a grievous story and I am sorry for your loss of the adult friendship of a child. But your combative tone makes me think that you have blundered into this situation and antagonized your daughter on your own steam. You say this started back when you got upset about her taking you for granted? Good Lord, madame, that is a poor pretext for a fight with your only child, I must say. God knows, it's human enough to get upset, but there comes a point when you simply must accept your children as they are, stop prodding and pushing and punishing them, and learn to enjoy their company. You weren't rejected: You simply got into a fight you had no business fighting, and you wound up the loser. It's a sad fact that our power to anger and alienate others is so immense and our power to reconcile is so pitifully small. The lesson is: Be slow to anger. Don't be right every time you have a chance to. And don't go off writing a book about this as a further exercise in self-justification. If you need to write something, try writing an apology."

And then the search for info:

"Online .... amazing what you can learn online these days!... I learned that Garrison Keillor's daughter was born in 1998. She is his first daughter. He is now 62. He has a son who was born in 1969. His son is 3 years younger than my daughter. His son works for him. Garrison Keillor has been married 3 times and was estranged for a time from the city of St. Paul, Minnesota but they have since made up.

I learned that Garrison Keillor was raised in a conservative religious family that belonged to the Plymouth Brethren. I know more about Brethren in general than I know about Garrison Keillor. I know that they are truly very conservative. That their beliefs about how to live a life would have been very different from that of a popular writer/entertainer who makes his living creating radio shows and books. I read that he suffered from shyness although that is hard for me to believe as I have struggled mightily with shyness and fears throughout my life and I can't imagine how a truly shy person could have lived a Garrison Keillor sort of life! But this may be due to a shortage of imagination on my part. If he is a Shy Person, then he deserves credit for overcoming his Shy Side and forging on with life"

Shyness is not a disease for God's sake, first of all. I am shy. I need to get things done, therefore, I can not revert into myself as I might prefer. She talks about it like some monumental task that only she has taken on, like having to work for almost no money when you are young.

Any who, be warned Ye Who Visited the Lair of the Estrangement Queen. With programs like site meter, being anonymous is sometimes not protection enough!!!

You know, I like to research people too. There was a guest on Howard Stern that had a lot to do with Satellite radio, and I found his story interesting. Or a celebrity you like dies, or another dog trainer posts an article. But I think something is very very wrong with someone who needs to hunt down each and every person that does not agree with them!!! I mean, some people don't agree with you and in fact will never agree with you, right. The world still manages to turn on it's axis somehow though.

One Grandfather's Funeral

I have a time that I am remembering and I need to post about. One of my grandparents died many years ago. He/she was not the nicest person in the world. In fact, he/she was a gambling drunk that lived in a filthy nicotine encrusted apartment.

I don't think many people thought very well of him/her. However, it was still pretty surprising when their child made their speech at the funeral. See the "eulogy" was about what a crappy person they were. Now, I do know this was mostly true, but really at the funeral????

I was thinking "note to self, if I die before this parent, be sure they are not at MY funeral". Or at least not allowed to speak there. Am I wrong, or is that not a very good representation of Narcissistic?

Good lord. How many other ways could this have been handled? Well, there is the lying, which I personally wouldn't want at my funeral either. You know, if they don't like me, I don't want them talking one way or the other. So, I guess my move would be "wow, I am just too bereaved to say ANYTHING". What is the saying, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all".

Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Fishing

Can you believe other people have these estrangement problems? Well, unfortunately they do. Here are some other thoughts on estrangement:

Success and Self Fullfilling Therapy

On Fogiveness and Estrangement

Taking a Risk

Okay A Dog Story Related to Family Estrangement, What is Better?

One Woman's Mother Hated All Woman

Constant Yelling Is As Damaging As Physical Abuse? I don't know about that, but interesting article.

Er, I do Believe Estrangement Queen Just Admitted She Posts in Retaliation

Check out comment 21 in this post.

"Where in the world do you think that she actually misses me, likes me or loves me????? If that were the case, then my actions would be different than what they are. She does not."

Ah, so bi polar was in to get back at the daughter who does not find her Estranged Donor a real charmer when she posts that she did not care when her grandfather and step brother died. I am sorry, I don't know how to "miss, like or love" someone like that. Especially when they are unable to say they are sorry.

But just in case you want to disagree with her:

"You seem to be a very troubled soul and I am beginning to feel sorry for you."

You will be picked apart accordingly. Course, a recent poster just hit a nerve with me as well. I don't think I called them troubled however, just deflecting a bit. I was a bit testy, I admit. Not proud of that moment, especially when it seems to slightly resemble this moment. UGH.

I guess we do share SOME DNA, but I really don't believe I have the lack of empathy and narcistic qualities she does. I don't make up lies or fill in stories where I don't know what happened, or are not based on one's own words.

I realize she doesn't realize that she just admitted that she writes things out of retaliation. Talk about a threat. Course I have fed into her "conversation" by acknowledging it in the first place.

I just hope some other soul can see that sometimes, it's best to just walk away if possible. It still causes me to look inward on occaision.
She has other things that she can post, guess it's just best to look away now, and let her do her worst if she wants. I wonder how different can she really be in her personal life? I mean it's possible she is, I am. I vent a lot of stuff here. It is incredibly helpful. It becomes less and less necessary, and I now enjoy those periods where I really need to dig deep to write about something. Usually that is when Friday Blog Fishing, Tuesday Terror, and Thursday Thirteens come in real handy LOL.
I don't blog about EVERYTHING, I mean do I really need to give more amunition to be given a negative spin for the fodder? It's not that I care that other people read it, it's that I realize each time how much my mother disliked me. No matter what she says, dislike comes through very loud and clear, and it would be just great if she could be honest about it at least. Hey, I don't like or love my daughter. There it is. No more reasons to make up stories that she didn't care that her grandfather and step brother died. And yes, that bugs the absolute shit out of me that she would say such a thing. Wow, she REALLY REALLY didn't know a thing about the daughter she raised. One would have to listen to something other than the sound of their own voice, talking about themselves.
Yackity yackity blah blah blah. Me, memememememe, ME mememeemne, MEMEMEME, mememememee, myf riends, me. my photography, my parrots, and then there is mememememe. Oh yes and you, oh no wait, emememememememmemememememememmemememememmememmememmememmememememmemememmememm.
And then there is I and ME and then ME again, and I. And I hate weddings, and I hate Tony, and IIIIIII, and MEMEMEMEMEME.
UGH. I don't want to adopt an nice old lady in Maine by the way. Mom, has kind of been a word with not positive vibes my adult life. I am good. I don't know why it continues to bother me, other than the fact that this must be sooooo ingrained in us from childhood.
And when you look at those superficial photos, even knowing what they represent is not the truth, you want it to be the truth. You want it to be what you thought of them THEN, assuming that was good. I have to admit, I never thought much of my father since the third grade when he started trying to supress me from being me from then until I didn't talk to him very much after 20 or so. He still tried to downgrade my choice in mate. career, where I lived et, but I was just ignoring him then. "Oh, that's nice dad, yeah I will take relationship advice from you. Nice marriage you had there for 17 years NOT!!!!" Meanwhile, 17 years married this year and 22 years together total.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Mythical Apology

This is the second time my mother mentions, "the apology" (apparently in 1995 while we were pretty much still in contact and it was never mentioned to me until the first online conversation where she mentions it in 2005!!). The apology that I never received by the way, and when I asked her what was in it, all she could say was it said "for whatever it is you think I may have done". Uh, yeah, right. We've all used that one on our husband's before, yes? Or our husbands on us, and most educated people know that is not an apology.

What I did receive were statements like "bite me" and "shit happens" and this lengthy letter about family history, her parrots, and all of this is very nice. However there is no apology, but 10 type written pages glaringly without an apology and also a much about how she adored me as a baby (which I have all heard before) and glaringly nothing about how she likes me as an adult.

Later on, came the letter from my grandmother letting me know I would cause my mother to commit suicide. There was no apology letter. I did stop allowing her mail to pass through my door sometime in 1998 or 1999, however. This is not the time period that she says she wrote the apology.

Gosh I wish she would just post it if she did. I have asked what was in it, given her chances to reiterate it. Wondered why she just didn't send it to me again, or let me know before 1999 that she apologized. Never a mention of it until 2005, not even in her previous blogs about the subject that had gone on for several years prior.

So if it does indeed exist, she has been playing games around it. I mean how easy would it be to show it. Still doesn't excuse her behavior after the fact, but had I known ever that she acknowledged what she did and was sorry, there would have been a different outcome, I think. But the person that I see writing online, I can't see how to reconcile with that person.

Who doesn't think it's wrong to write about someone else's diagnosed illness just to make yourself look good? I mean, is that normal. Is it normal to lie that your daughter didn't care about her grandfather and step brother's death? Is it normal to TRY TO interfere with your daughter's marriage and familial relations to get your way and make her look bad? Is it normal to "not stop" and I quote, another from writing to your daughter that you will commit suicide because of her?

I guess in her world it is, but in my world it isn't. Hence the reason for the estrangement.

Thursday Thirteen (13) Thirteen Ways to Scare People Off When You Really Want To

  1. Honesty and bluntness to the right people, usually does it every time.

  2. When they think you are not going to call and confront them, call and confront them.

  3. If it's a man, any kind of reference to "that time of the month" or the tools used to stem the flow will do the trick nicely.

  4. Too much information is always a nice touch in a pinch.

  5. Talk unendingly about your children or show slides/pictures of family trips as much as possible. Short ones may be interesting, but if you are determined enough, you can bore the best of them:)

  6. Always talk about boring work details ad nauseum. No, no not funny stories, the really boring details.

  7. Own large scary dogs of these breeds German Shepard, Rottweiler, bully breeds, and Dobermans. Of course, have them trained so they are of no real danger LOL. You want ones that bark at the door when you don't answer, making visitor walk reluctantly away, but not ever think about cracking the door to look or call inside.

  8. Horror movie noises as loud as possible from your tv. The unwanted visitor is "hoping" tha was a movie. Slight danger that they may call the cops to be sure, but hasn't happened to me yet.

  9. Have your husband grow out his fro and grow his facial hair into lamb chops and goatee. Then have him answering the door.

  10. Animal bones hanging off of trees does nicely. You can probably find some fake plastic ones that look realistic from a distance.

  11. Hit people up for money (that you don't want to see of course) every time they come over.

  12. Do very inappropriate things loudly when out in public (like make fun of someone's accent where they can hear you).

  13. Oh yes, and make out with your significant other in front of unwanted visitors every time they come over. Actually, you should be careful that you don't do this with someone that may want to join in.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Just Too Beautiful A Day

Memorial Day was nice. In addition to remembering our armed forces (human and canine), deceased family members (human and canine); we also spent a bit of the day together, me and the husband.

Went to Kittery, and found him a pair of shoes at Clark Bostonian to wear to our trip to Boston shortly. He has killed all his comfortable walking shoes!! I remember when I would have to sneak his disgusting ones out, and to the trash bin in order to get him to buy new shoes. He already feels bad at paying a "normal" price for the shoes and is threatening to return them!! Whereas my philosphy is that I don't pay high price or full price, but if I find a normally priced pair of shoes that are well made, then I don't feel guilty getting them for me. They last years instead of months for instance. I have two pairs of walking Clark Bostonians that serve me very well.

We had happy hour at the Harbour Inn in York. It was Italian night, so that means free manicotti, sausages, cesar salad, and cheese cake!! This is where we regularly go now when Robert does not want to cook (unless it's Chinese food, and then it's Greenleaves) of course.

My S Donor was down, and we were almost in the same grocery store, but as we were driving out, he was driving in. Since he lives one street over from me, he pretty regularly sees me walking or training dogs in the neighborhood. My step brother, his wife, and kids were over there. No visit of course , and there lives would be hell anyway if they crossed the monster!! Didn't seem like any of the relatives from my side of the family were over there.

It always puzzled me, the monster and S Donor always have events here during holiday weekends. Easily the WORST time for family to come here. A two hour drive becomes a seven hour drive, and York seems to get busier and busier each year. I remember how I hated coming here because of that, three hours with these people, and then you are going to either have to rent a hotel room, stay in the crowded house, or drive for seven hours. I always chose driving for an alotted time LOL. If you did not want to come for any reason, the step would be on the phone berating you. Meanwhile, they also had lived in the town right next door to me, and closer to the other relatives and not a hot spot for tourists. I mean it was fun every now and again, but it was too small to hang out indoors during the buggy times, and so it was basically outdoors with the bugs on lawn furniture.

One of the last times I went, my dog Neptune was dying. I had told them I did not want to go. The problem was they needed someone to bring the Monster's father, but none of the actual family wanted to do it. So I was berated, and gave in (really bad decision on my part). I come, I am depressed and worried about my dog, and all I hear is my step (whose friggin father I just transported at 6 am in the morning so we wouldn't hit traffic) berating my father because I am outside being sad, and NOT helping her. This one time, I was like F it bitch, I am going to hang out like everyone else does, I didn't want to be here in the first place.

Oh well, had to find something to bitch about today, as I get the most hits when I do LOL.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Things You May Want to Ponder Before Actually Saying Them Out Loud to Your Wife

"Well, at least you aren't as crazy as your mother."

"Our marriage may not be the best, but......." when gossiping about another's marriage, there is probably a MUCH better way to put this.

"You don't look that bad".

"Honey, you used to have it like that" and then the attempted save "hey you can't go back to nineteen" (female translation for those boys who are too stoopid to figure it out, this means you don't look that great now, and will never come close to looking great again)

Unless you actually want your wife to start looking for a new "boy toy" things like these are best left behind the lips never to be spoken. I am just saying. Don't worry, me and my husband are fine. I visit the garden where I buried him everyday .

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Marvelous Day, Only Three Dogs In The House, and They are Mine

Pay for dog services is great, especially if you are a trainer and know pack management. That isn't to say I take every dog, I don't, but I do take my clients trained dogs in. As this steam rolls forward and the roster gets bigger, this means 10-12 dogs in my house is getting to be a way to common occurrence!!

Now I find myself with two whole days of just my dogs!!!! Course I have three, but it's like none in comparison and they are all mine:) They are our family, and I am sure as happy for the break as me. Don't get me wrong, they enjoy all their doggie friends to. I must say I have some of the best canine clients ever.

During this break, we managed to get the high traffic rugs steam cleaned, and we are working at getting the masterbedroom wood floor installed. We are doing it ourselves, wish us luck. We will need it. I need to take some pictures of this.

Jack gorged himself yesterday when I didn't lock down the new dog container. Now I am worriedly obsessing about his belly, and chasing him down everytime he poops.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Our Last Long Documented Conversation

You know, as far as conversations went, the last one with the E Donor did not go to badly. It went much better than this online conversation did!!!

So don't worry, you are probably going through worse shit that me:) However, you are not alone in your angst.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Bipolar Disorder Info

The following are links about BiPolar disorder. This is what I have, though really no tests were ever done, just descriptions of how I was feeling. Sort of a funny story, I finally went for help during a time where my company was being acquired and moving.

***Note my E Donor thought this meant I couldn't hold a job when I talked about this. However, there is little one can do when their company is closed down and moved to Wisconsin or Georgia. Oh, yes they wanted me to move to, but silly me wanted to live where I wanted to, which is on the north eastern coast near our beautiful oceans (.7 miles away baby)

It was a very stressful time. I think 9/11 had just happened to. So I waited until I thought I could talk without crying. When I got to the office however, and started to talk about it, I just balled and balled. We talked awhile about what was going on, and Me and Celexa met for the first time. What a friggin relief!! Much more able to deal with a stressful situation like I normally would (nose to the grindstone and move forward).

I just thought it was funny, here I waited until I felt my mood was under control, and it was not. This was the first time this poor doctor met me too, and I think she was a little alarmed at the response, but I have never been suicidal or prone to hurting myself during "the blues" or "the manic" periods. I have been prone to hiding under the covers, or working all night long on something that really isn't that important.

Any who here are some links:

BiPolar Misc Information

The following related conditions are also talked about (and this is what I most likely suffer from, as I function well without the meds, but truly internally feel like crappolla):

Cyclothymia or Cyclothymic Disorder
Cyclothymia is characterized by manic and depressive states, but neither state is of significant duration or intensity to warrant a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder or of Clinical or Major Depression or Unipolar Disorder. Cyclothymic Disorder is diagnosed where there is a history of hypomania, with no previous episodes of mania or severe depression.

Dysthymic Disorder (otherwise known as Dysthymia or Dysthemia)
Dysthymic Disorder symptoms are milder and longer-lasting than those of Major Depression, and they are usually not disabling. This disorder may develop in childhood, but usually emerges in middle age. It is common for dysthymic patients to experience major depressive episodes. Also referred to as neurotic depression, minor depression, or intermittent depression, characteristics include at least a two-year history of depressed moods, with episodes lasting two or more days. Dysthymic Disorder is not severe, has less impact on daily activities, but can last for years, or even decades.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Good Collection of Borderline Personality Disorder

This is a really good collection of articles regarding borderline personality disorder, apparently what my grandmother may have been diagnosed with. I like the first one that describes one person's actual dealings with it. I have never really understood what "it" is. Though my E Donor would like to perhaps think I have this, I don't have any symptoms related to this.

Mental illness does not, generally, cause family estrangement. Mental illness does not necessarily make someone not a nice person. They can be hard to deal with at times, like my father in law especially at the end (hallucinations, conspiracy theories, not wanting treatment or help), but it did not make him a not nice person. During the moments when his illness did not affect him totally, he was a nice, gentle and kind man. No malice in his heart, although perhaps he had a lack of tact sometimes . That can be charming every now and then, or appalling depending on the circumstance LOL. The point is, he cared about and loved his family. He did the best he could with what he had, he was aware that he was suffering from a mental illness that needed medication every day. If he had a day where he may have been "off", there would be an apology following. Or perhaps even while it was happening.

My grandmother was not a nice person. As far as I have experienced and read, my mother is not a nice person. All her fantasies involving me involve me failing somehow in life . It's always a put down or a criticism. Never, "oh how wonderful she is trying something new". I must be a lousy accountant, as she did not get the quality and caliber of gift she wanted. I will out her for her "bipolar" disease that I have been itching to do since I found out about it two years ago. Perhaps I will even attribute other mental illnesses to her.

Sorry, not a nice person. Also not a person that even if she had a mental illness, is a nice person. Like I said, relationships and our responses to them can be controlled. We are still "us" inside, not our mental illness. And it's not a word I am ashamed of, it's been an easily controlled condition. I could have had heart disease, asthma, cancer, cleft pallet, no arms or legs, been paralyzed, MS, peanut allergies, lactose intolerant (or allergic to chocolate LOL) and on and on. I have something that requires me to take a pill a day. Big friggin deal. I don't die or go insane if I don't take it, I feel a bit blue. It's not pleasant, but it's not life threatening either. Course in my mother's world, it is something to hold over me!! Yet, she thinks I would ever have a personal discussion again. I don't choose to associate with people that are that negative. I mean that's my choice, and I will use that choice.

Mental illness may be an aggravation to family estrangement however, or a complication if you will. Especially if one is not familiar with the things that can go on, or what the responses are, and more possibly if someone does not get help or treatment.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Good Article on Narcistic Personality Disorder

If one suspects that someone has Narcistic Personality Disorder, this link provides good detail on what that is. Now only a doctor can diagnose this, but this may help some people feel better that others deal with these things with family members, friends, spouses, children, et et.

It may not be your imagination. Please note, there is little that professionals think they can do about this disorder in some circumstances. So the choice is to stay and deal, or run run run.

Monday, May 19, 2008

First Things First-Cowardly and Fake

My mother has a post. She is peaceably eating at Panera's and musing, if I wanted to talk about my business or the democratic convention, well then we could have talked LOL.

She is trying to defend her "threat" position. However, before I talk about the weather with this woman, I would really need to know how she can't admit she was wrong for trying to "out" me as bipolar on her little forum. When is that right, and the reason for a loving mother to do. She had said in another posting, that the reason she doesn't privately tell me of her concern, is that she doesn't want another nasty e-mail from me. I will display the link that the coward, er, my E Donor thinks is sooooo nasty. It's just the truth, that e-mail with no crude words or anything. This is e-mail number 1 and number 2. Both sent by the way after several public postings to me in a board, where she outed who I was when I used a false name as not to embarrass HER. She couldn't wait to tell the board, but er, did not get quite the support that she figured, as she was totally transparent to complete strangers.

The truth is she is a coward. She can't talk or e-mail that she was wrong. The fact that she was WRONG ABOUT me which was published recently regarding saying that I didn't care about my grandfather or my stepbrother's death, was as close as she has come IN FOURTEEN YEARS. And she still tries to cling to the fact that she actually thought that, and not that she obviously outright lied.

Same as she hides behind trying to protect me, as the reason for the bi polar post. Now, there she is doing something harmful, while I am not. Or she perceives she is doing something harmful, as she does not know that I do talk about it (or did not) on this very blog. Course, she has researched it, and so she is a medical expert on the condition , shades of my childhood. She is face, controlling, narsistic, and a liar.

So she wants to chit chat, but not about how a "loving and adoring" mother does the things that she has done. I post her own words to her blog, and she deletes them. Pretty hard to look at the truth in one's own typewritten posts. Must be.

She is clearly the one punishing me, by posting things she doesn't think others know. I find that very sick, mentally and emotionally abusive. So, she thinks I want to sit down and discuss the democratic debate with someone so ugly and hateful???? Or share my plans for my business. What for? So I can read that I walk dogs for a living again? I am sure said out of loving and motherly kindness. Fuck that.

One thing we do agree on. Life is to short to spend it with miserable self serving people. She is a stranger to me, but a bully that likes to push my buttons. I guess it's junior high all over again, where I found one girl that liked to beat me up, and I punched her right in the face. Cleared that up. It's also cleared things up for my mother for a period of time, until she thinks I am not paying attention again. What's she going to post about me next? I bet it's going to be loving and very motherly and concerned LOL. NOT.
If this woman really wanted to speak to me, all she had to say was "wow, I did some really inappropriate things. I am sorry." Clearly, it would be a bit fishy now. Or, I don't know how about this, how about proving she's not an asshole, but not posting asshole things publically all the time? Or criptic messages, as I have correctly understood them before. And she knew for two whole years about my bipolar, before deciding to out me. Uh, thanks? Now let me share some personal cit chat with you. Screw you lady. Fuck off, and try not to choke on your souffle. By the way, seems you are alone in Paneras.
She asks in the post above, what I may have accomplished in typing back and forth to her recently. Just a reverification that she is the ugly person that I thought she was. Her continued hiding behind excuses is comforting to me, as I can shelve my guilt at not contacting her. At not thinking there is a woman out there who really does love me. She is a woman who really enjoys her role of victim. The evil daughter who could care less that her grandfather and stepbrother died. She now sees that she was wrong about that. Oh goody for me, but she still makes excuses to me for it instead of saying how horribly wrong that was to do. Instead I get "were you ever wrong about anyone?" I guess, but apparently not about her. Think I am right on about her, but I can't really find out when she continues to be the ugly person that she is in her typing. Each time I go back to see what she has to say, I see more of the same. It think it's time for me to give up the ghost, that maybe she will be someone that I thought well of in my youth. I think most of what I thought, were based on surface facts and not knowing any better at the time. I mean I was a kid, how was I to recognize what was really going on in my family, until I grew up and tried to be me. Then it became crystal clear that I had been an accessory to them. They enjoyed me when I was little and under their control, and not so much as I began to split off and then run like the wind away.
I feel that I have given them every chance, and more chances then they are really worth to be someone that I could feel safe with. But when I look or read what they have to say, I feel those self esteem issues rise up again, and not the feeling of basking in the glow of the people around me who truly do love me warts and all. My E Donor always needs to be petted for her accomplishments. They are never really for her or to enrich her, but to show to the public what a brilliant person she is. My accomplishments are private, and I share them with people who love me. Although I do often get their approval in spoken words or dinners out, I don't need that. Just knowing that people love me, and I love them is enough for me. For my E Donor, it needs to be represented in material ways, no matter what she says. That is a sad and superficial way to live your life IMHO. My S Donor, the debt for having had to have me will never be repaid. That is the same for my E Donor too, though she doesn't like to admit it, as it's ugly. That when her control slipped as I reached adulthood, it was too much for her to be happy that her child had grown up and was happy. Instead, she had to complain that my husband got sick when we visited her. "Don't you just hate when you have to take care of someone?", she said. God help her husband when he gets sick or old. No, I don't hate having to take care of someone I love. I hate having to fake it for a bitter miserable bitch, who knows nothing about love whatsoever.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Definition of a Threat

The American Heritage dictionary defines threat as:

An expression of an intention to inflict pain, injury, evil, or punishment.
An indication of impending danger or harm.
One that is regarded as a possible danger; a menace. TRANSITIVE VERB: Archaic threat?ed , threat?ing , threats
To threaten.

One legal definition of a threat:

second circuit case, that the threat:
"on its face and in the circumstances which it is made is so unequivocal, unconditional, immediate and specific as to the person threatened as to convey a gravity of purpose, imminent prospect of execution."
-- Barry Steinhardt, in his opening statement to the MTTLR Jake Baker debate.

And then there is my mother's perception of a threat, which is my post to her basically saying I won't like when she publishes medical info or lies about me:

My Posting As follows:

I would like to comment about the "not slamming". If that means not commenting when you do something inappropriate, I am going to have to comment when you do inappropriate things, like I perceive your bi polar statement.
If it means ignoring things that just don't add up or make sense, that probably won't happen either.
If there came a time where you can own your actions, there might come a time where I may feel comfortable approaching you.

My Mother's Response:

Currently I am not comfortable with you approaching me. No matter whether you are comfortable with that or not. I am NOT comfortable with that.
If you continue in the current manner, when we have nothing further to talk about, I will cut you off from commenting.
In fact, after thinking about this more, I realize that you are threatening me. I am not okay with being threatened. I am cutting you off from commenting as of now.

And the reason for that response? Her role of "victim" to her friends has now been compromised, because I have extended an opening of sorts. I knew she wouldn't take it, any more than she would agree not to publish medical stuff about me on the internet. She likes her role, and she doesn't like or love me. It serves her purpose to remain stuck there.

Got it? Over and out.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Just For Fun, A Fictional Conversation With My Mother (mothers day continued)

***I should disclose that my mother has responded in a nice way since I wrote this. I just don't trust this. This is more an enactment as conversations as they have gone in the past. How I do believe they would go, if she wasn't "trying out" a new approach on me (or this is how I perceive the situation right now).

So I have been conversing with the E Donor on her blog. Translation, banging my head against the same brick wall. Well, there seemed to be the tiniest bit of progress at first as she attempted to repeat things back to me. Also, her first reply seemed reasonable and sincere, although a little voice said "she is trying out something new, empathy, in the age old attempt to manipulate you". But given my desire to always give people the benefit of the doubt, I answered questions. And answered, and explained, until I realized, she's just stacking up the evidence against me again. Were I to continue, I will expand on what the conversation will become from you, as it has been time tested:

E Donor: I have admitted that I may have done these things but I don't remember.

Me: Fine, but they were done. If I was going to make something it, (and I wouldn't) it would be way more spectacular than that.

E Donor: Well fine, I may have done those things, but shit happens. Bite me.

Me: Alrighty then.

E Donor: You just want me to debase myself.

Me: No, it would just be nice if you could listen and absorb some information.

E Donor: I understand, you aren't talking to me because you want to ruin my life.

Me: No, I want to live my life unharrassed, and I do not feel that's possible when continuing a relationship with you or my father by the way.

E Donor: How did I harrass you. I did not harrass you.

Me: Well, I call calling relatives behind my back to "interview" them stepping way over the line. You also tried to appeal to your ex, my S Donor. And then there was the time you creeped around my house.....

E Donor: Well, you wouldn't talk to me.

Me: We did in fact exchange information for a long time. You haven't and don't listen. YOu list other things PAS or bi polar as reasons (or that I wish to ruin your life). Clearly you don't listen or believe I know why I am not talking to you. In forteen years, you never offered an apology or an acknowledgement for how I may have felt either about the reason for the rift or for the things you did afterwards. YOu tend to ignore those.

E Donor: I did give an apology. I sent it in a letter that you threw away, three years after the argument.

Me: Hard to believe as I only started throwing things out six years ago, 8 years into the argument. And for the record, I have asked what I did miss and what you apologized for. Then you say "I won't tell you". or the infamous "I am sorry for whatever it is you think I did to cause our estrangement." Neither gives me the warm fuzzies about you. So what is it that you apologized for?

E Donor: I just sent it to get you to talk to me anyway. I won't debase myself for apologizing.

Me: And did you hear why we don't talk. Can you repeat what I said?

E Donor: I won't debase myself by saying that. YOu think I am the worst mother ever on the face of the earth. All you want me to do is degenerate myself.

Me: Alrighty then. That answers my question.

E Donor: So why have you ruined my life by not talking to me?

Sigh. That brick wall sure is hard .

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bi Polar (mothers day sequence continued)

My mother brought up a subject on her blog (out of spite, of course) that I do talk about here. I don't talk about it so much, as the condition really does not affect me, since I have found the right medicine and the right dose. My mother, of course, attributes this to why I don't find her to be a nice human being (or my father or step although she does not find them to be nice human beings). It's the whole "I own you" and "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you" mind set. That is true, my mother and father did not sexually or physically abuse me (however no one owns me). They were emotionally and mentally abusive (with my father threatening physical abuse by smashing a chair near me) and very very controlling, which only got worse with adulthood. My step actually physically abused me once, right before I smacked her back (so she would never forget that I stick up for myself) and walked out of the house in a t shirt, underpants, and no socks in a blizzard.

My mother portrays my estrangement as leaving "everyone that loves me". I find this such a funny statement. Maybe they (not the step however) believe they love me, but that is because they recognize the emotions used to control and manipulate as love. I was very confused by my husband and his relationship with his parents, as I was always expecting the other shoe to drop with them. "Why the interest in me, what do they want from me?" As opposed to "Hey they are interested in me, they must really like me". I am estranged from the in laws due to their deaths, we were friends during their lives. Unfortunately, that is one estrangement that I have not chosen. The estrangements that I have chosen, were chosen well, and have served to enrich and change my life. These estrangements have nothing to do with bi polar, as my mother claims to have researched. If she had researched bi polar, she would know some things about it.

First of all, apparently I have cyclomania and not bipolar, because I am able to function without the drugs at all (not at a level that Iwould like) and very easily with drugs that are mild. Celexa is my drug of choice. I have just moved up to 40 mgs as 20 was not doing it any more.

With this mental illness, you really know the difference between being in it, and feeling like your normal self. Other people can not necessarily see that you are in it. The ones that ACTUALLY DO love me the most have no idea that I am in it, unless they drop by while I am huddled under my covers in bed. It's basically just highs and lows. I am more prone to the lows. In other words, sadness that does not go away and nothing is going on that would make me that particularly sad. The highs are untapped energy that comes forth and makes me extremely productive, so much so that I burn out by wanting to stay up all night doing something. It has nothing to do with my relationships with people, and I take my meds for me and how I feel internally. I graduated college (with a 3.5), rose to an executive position, and did all sorts of things before finding the meds so I wouldn't get the blues so much.

That is all bipolar is. It is not some scary disease that warps your brain. Your internal chemistry just needs a bit of a tweak. My mother says I blame her for this. Don't know why as she doesn't say she has anything LOL. My grandmother has something, but if it's this there is something else there. God, I would much rather have this than my husband's asthma any day (and not have my recent allergies that have made me much more miserable than bi polar). I would much rather have this without the meds than my husband's asthma. I mean the blues are bad. I don't really possess the words to describe how bad they are. Once you are out of it, you almost forget how bad it can be.

But getting the right meds and dosages, brings that puppy right under control. I saw one lady describe this as "it's like living on a island that has raging tropical storms, and then brilliant days that never end no matter how exhausted you are. And then you get normal rain showers and some good weather days." It just brings everything back to the middle of how you feel internally. You are still able to have your opinions, however, and mine are well founded....on the fact that some people are just ugly. I mean inside. Ugly, controlling, narcisitic, sexist (added in my S Donor's case), racist (added in my S Donor's case), selfish, unable to recognize love if it bit them in the ass. Oh, and let's mention not able to give or recognize when an apology is warranted.
I have in the past alluded to the fact that my E Donor may have narcistic personality disorder, as my opinion and not my diagnosis nor a diagnosis from her doctor. I think that is different than announcing something that you know is a diagnosis on a blog for the purposes of demeaning someone only (something my mother claims never to have done in her life). I do have those demeaning rants on my mother, but no medical diagnosis were included, though some other adjectives were . I honestly do not feel sorry for that, as they were in response to something she said, and I felt justified in getting my anger out in that way. Plus I don't seek a reconciliation. I am always amazed at the fact that she just doesn't break down and say, well maybe I did some things wrong. You think??????? Not the, "I am sorry for whatever it is you think I may have done phrase". I mean for the lying alone about the wedding being the reason for our estrangement to her friends. Or I dunno how about the lie that I did not care that my grandfather or step brother died on a board that she thought I would never find. This was in response to a conversation with my aunt or huband (she wrote SIL, so it's son in law or sister in law, but she won't tell other than it's not Aunt Rae LOL), where she found that I thought she was emotionally and mentally abusive as well as controlling and manipulative. So what she did, was perform those very activities on a board LOL. Good judgement and logic that.
Is it right for me to post ALL my thoughts on my E Donor? I don't know, maybe not. I do apologize for giving my opinion of a diagnosis when just reiterating that she is an ugly sort of person would do. An adjective and not a diagnosis that I would use for her is narcistic. She has no care for anyone in her life that does not revolve around her or validate her existance in some superficial way. That is probably not a mental disorder, just who she is IMHO. She does not admit or recognize this in herself, perhaps honestly. She has lived her life her way, and done the things she has done out of "love" in her opinion. All I have to say is YIKES!!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Other People With Issues (mother's day sequence continued)

Dear Cowardly Anonymous (my E Donor's "friend" or E Donor):
Strangers who post negatively to others blogs never cease to amaze me. I had one visitor, "anonymous" of course. You didn't talk to your mother and then she died. For some reason you looked up a blog about estrangements (or regularly spy on it for my E Donor), to attack someone else you don't even know, rather than face your own error.

You know, it's like the woman who had an abortion. Now thinks a girl who was raped by her brother should not have the choice she had, because it went bad for her. Not ever thinking that every human being has different experiences, measurements, and decision making abilities.

I am sorry you regret your choice, and was seeking to lash out at others on Mother's Day, then again, I didn't invite you or twist her arm to read my blog on my progress either:) You must be some piece of work. If you are my E Donor, you are definately a piece of work.

Plus, this is not the diplomacy blog. I am pretty direct. So audience be warned. And feel free to seek therapy instead of reading this blog if you have "issues", dear anonymous.

Monday, May 12, 2008

I really do need a reminder sometimes...(mother's day sequence continued)

Sometimes I forget just how sucky my E Donor can be, and then she gives me the gift of a post . And now I know it was her or one of her warped friends that posted. They have hunted me down before with questions like "how can you not talk to your mother just because you didn't get a big wedding". Err, for the record, we planned our own wedding and it was perfect. Actually, I could have used at least three less guests there.

So now the post. OH, I am so embarrassed my E Donor used the bipolar card. She doesn't read this (supposedly, but all her friends do...yeah right we are that dumb), but I don't have issues with her due to bipolar, as much as she would like to think so. But it is a reminder of what a pathetic excuse for a mother and a human being that she is (like I need that). I know some medical things about her, but I am not about to share them dear readers. That's really her business, and something she needs to take care of herself.

Truth be told, I sometimes wonder if I have imagined what an ugly person she is. All I have to do is skip over to her blog. I was actually sort of proud that she held off for once on her vicious postings and lies. If she thinks this blog "degenerates" her, I only talk about facts. Those are the facts, and I am sorry she is so embarrassed for her actions. I would totally be too, if I treated my child like that.

But this blog is not for her, or even you dear audience. It's actually for me so I can chart my own progress through these waters, instead of repressing it. I am not a good one for repressing. And it is actually public because I do like to work it out and hear from other people. The only comments that I delete are spam comments. I can take it. I mean, I really don't care what y'all think, unless you think I am right LOL .

The fact that I can laugh at it, and the absurdity of her, is in my mind the healing process taking root. So friends (spies) of the E Donor, go take a long walk off a tall cliff, and be embarrassed of yourself for the way you are dealing with your issues by attacking another.
You know, I don't have much to write about these days unless the E Donor posts, and unfortunately she can't stop addressing me. I like to let her know that she is full of shit.
And it's sort of sick for her "friends" to be reporting back to her. Take care of your own problems instead of deflecting onto someone else.

Good Thoughts on Mother's Day

I know, by the time this posts, it will be the day after mother's day. I had some good positive thoughts to share on this day. My grandmother's acceptance of an infinite number of "dandelion bouquets" when I was little. Good lord, that must have been annoying . She complained more about my penchant for walking circles around the kitchen table.

I wish I had taken up my mother in laws many invitations to go shopping. I didn't because we had different tastes in clothes. I should have just told her that, and I am sure she would have come with me into a different part of the store LOL. Anyway, sorry Mrs. Grace. I hope you were with me yesterday when I went shoe shopping. I was thinking of you.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

A Little Drama from the Mama

Happy Mother's Day!!! Remember folks, sometimes you just can't run far enough away.

Enjoy my e donor's May 3rd post, where we discover the reason that I don't talk to her is an attempt to ruin her life. Da Da Da Duuummmmm~!!
And my favorite quote of her post "I still feel good about having been her mom and she can go screw herself if she thinks that she can wreck my life by not talking to me. " Cause it's all about her folks, it's all about her. And she is lovely, and I think some lucky grown up woman ought to adopt her.
There is not a definitive post here that gives background information to this estrangement. The category "Maniac for A Mother" will give you a hodge podge of postings about my E Donor.
The category "Evil that is BA" will give you postings on my lovely Step Monster, since it's a mother's day theme and all.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Mothers Day Cards from Heckmart

Inspired from another blog I read. My thought for the day is "you gets what you gives".

I have been trying to figure out how to design this as an Mother's Day card that SOME of us would like to have seen in the Hallmark store.

1) To Mom,

Please take yourself out to have a nice day. I never get it right anyway.

You get what you give, enjoy your day!!!!

2) To Mom,

Some moms think their children are their "gifts" on this day.

Thank God, you always knew better. Children and raising them is a pain in the ass.

PS I have better things to do today than be with you. I have lived up to your expectations if not your fantasies.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Bye To The Poop

My Father In Law died on Tuesday (5/6/2008). He had a bad slide the last few weeks that included two heart attacks. A stroke landed him in the hospital in the first place before that. I learned enough about old age care to be very alarmed for my old age. They basically played hot potato with my father in law, as an infection festered from his amputated toe.

I know the infection was not the hospital's fault but their cavalier treatment of trying to get rid of him was inexcusable, and I am convinced the reason the infection festered. The hospital should not have let him go anywhere until he was stabilized.

Well, my father in law is gone now. I do think that was his wish, even if that was not our wish for him. The poop was broken hearted after the loss of his beloved wife. I think she was 95% of his enjoyment of life. His mental illness without her, really took over and diminished his life considerably.

Goodbye Poop, we love you. I know your beloved wife greeted you as you passed over.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Mom's Day Is on The Way!!

Do not worry, my little damaged friends. Mother's Day is on the way, and has already inspired a couple of postings. You will have to wait though, and be good. In the meantime, I will provide the following giblets of family angst.

Never was a Mother or Father's Day fan. Just another day that was theirs LOL. My husband's mother used to say "everyday is Mother's Day". My husband and his parents didn't just talk on the holidays, they talked everyday. And truth to tell, my E donor was up for the talking. It's just that it was always about her, and got old real fast. Robert and her mom would talk about both of them. She was interested in him, and she was interested in her.

It was a good example of getting what you give. My parents got what they gave from me, and it was quite a different relationship.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Monday Movie-The Chronicles of Narnia

I have to admit, when I heard the rumors that this was in any way involved with Christianity, it turned me right off. However, as a child, I had read this book and didn't recall any overt religious tones. Excellent book.
So the movie was on tv last night, and I took a peek. Now I want to read the book again LOL. It brought back so many memories of that book. It's in the fantasy genre of stories. Really beautifully done and magical. I can not recomend this movie enough, and it's really a feel good movie. Some parts may be hard for kids to take, but most of it rights itself out in the end.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

OMG, Kill Me Now!!!

My husband has gifted me with a stomach virus. Sorry about last month, but I have just felt lackluster of late, no doubt due to the oncoming doom of this plague.

When you have a hard time not gagging taking aspirin, you are in for a hard time of it. I am on liquids now, and let's just say though it is a great weight loss stimulator, it has not stopped me from having to go number two. You would think that would be a benefit of having to be on a liquid or mild diet. I assure you, this is not true. The liquid just exits from a different place.

Not a pretty picture, sorry, but I need someone suffering along with me. I probably feel week, AS I HAVE NOT EATEN ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE FOR FOUR FING DAYS NOW!!! Combine that with the fact that I am a little frightened of eating or drinking anything at the moment.

Also has been bar none the busiest week of the year for business. Me, Jack, and Bri were supposed to go to a show this morning, but I just couldn't figure how to drive and not be near a restroom for a few hours. That wouldn't have been good.

Any how, sorry for the lack in blogging.