Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
- Got the rate freeze approved on my mortgage for two years.
- My sales in my business are doubled for this quarter once I sell 90.00 for the quarter.
- Made time for a mini vacation with my husband, and am leaving the dogs at home:(
- Have recruited my tenant, and two students for training to AKC Novice A Level.
- Made a marketing strategy and am following it.
- Took care of myself, and my an appointment with an allergist without a referral. Guess what, extremely allergic to pollen, dust and dogs. Friggin regular doctors couldn't get me the referral I needed?
- I am in a good place with my family estrangements. I may have also helped the E Donor move on with her life.
- Trying to be a better and more frequent calling daughter in law.
- Doing consistent run thrus and matches with Jack and Bri.
- Signed Jack and Bri for three trials this year, which will hopefully result in a CD.
- Putting myself out there talking to people and marketing my business.
- Joining organizations to promote my business and/or interests.
- Filed my taxes in February!!!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Okay, a nice find this week. I love this movie. It's apparently this director's only movie, and got horrid reviews, but seriously, I loved it. I actually gave it five stars.
Creepy, scary, new and interesting story line, the only complaint I have is this was supposed to be a three part series, and now I despair that the other two may never come to pass.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Dictionary definitions of bullying The Hyper dictionary: http://www.hyperdictionary.com/search.aspx?define=bullying1. [n] the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something2. [adj] noisily domineering; tending to browbeat others Synonyms: blustery, domineering, intimidation See Also: aggression, frightening, terrorising, terrorising
Chambers Dictionary noun (bullies) a person who hurts, frightens or torments weaker or smaller people. verb (bullied, bullying) 1. to act like a bully towards someone; to threaten or persecute them. 2. (usually bully someone into something) to force them to do something they do not want to do.
***picked up the above from http://sangrea.net/bully/bullying_defintion.php
1. Rough Treatment: A Controller will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male Controllers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female Controllers often slap, kick, and even punch their male partners when upset.
2. Quick Attachment and Expression: The Controller has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to a Controller is how quickly he or she says, “I Love You,” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point - it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship, because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause a Controller to detach from you as quickly as they committed. A Controller typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
3. Frightening Temper: A Controller has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to “witnessed violence” - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although a Controller quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you, but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence: A Controller repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard,” unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly, as though you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
5. Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. A Controller feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. A Controller begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, a Controller will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, a Controller will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. A Controller then tells you they are treating you badly again, and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle: A Controller cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow a Controller to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. A Controller often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
7. It’s Always Your Fault: A Controller blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly, it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male Controller drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. A Controller tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. A Controller never, repeat “never,” takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them, it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not him) as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
8. Breakup Panic: A Controller panics at the idea of breaking up, unless it’s totally their idea, then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female Controllers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area, as though you will be responsible for those decisions. A Controller offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!” They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative Controllers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male Controller technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female Controller technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner), and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back, you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of Controller - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
9. No Outside Interests: A Controller will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.
10. Paranoid Control: A Controller will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some Controllers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech Controllers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night, a Controller will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows Controller to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
11. Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, Controller will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with Controller too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in Controller.
12. It’s Never Enough: A Controller convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
13. Entitlement: A Controller has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, Controller feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what a Controller is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. A Controller will tell you they are jealous of the “special love” you have, and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them, eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. A Controller will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to, even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
15. Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. A Controller tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and, in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts, because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
16. The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time a Controller has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap, you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment, that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
17. The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. A Controller may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit - you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. A Controller may actually brag about their reputation as a “butt kicker," “womanizer," “hot temper,” or “being crazy.” They may tell you stories where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, a Controller will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with Controllers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of a Controller, it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
18. Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with a Controller continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself “walking on eggshells” in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of a Controller. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone, exactly what a Controller wants, no interference with their control or dominance.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A Controller is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. A Controller is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
20. They Make You “Crazy”: A Controller operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If a Controller is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm, you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female Controllers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are “going crazy,” it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as “normal behavior” in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from a Controller before permanent psychological damage is done.
I guess the main difference is a bully is out to upset you. There is nothing you could do that would please them more than being upset.
A control freak wants to upset you whenever you veer from their desires. This can seem innocent enough at first, as in "just do it and he/she will get off your back". But, as I linked to in DR Phil's post, (but they called this a bully) it slowly or quickly sucks the life force out of you, as you can never live your life for them. And that is what they totally want.
Friday, February 22, 2008
http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/ (Dr Phil Show provided a link to Relationship Abuse Awareness)
http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/signs.html (What Is Relationship Abuse)
http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/pdfs/results%20of%20verbal%20abuse.pdf (Results of Verbal and Emotional ABUSE) ---- Yes, S Donor EXPERTS (not quasi ex teachers who took a course in psychology at Worcester STATE, recognize verbal and emotional abuse-dipshit)---there is an example of it for ya.
http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/pdfs/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf (power and control wheel)
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Parents telling their kids, in public mind you, how proud they are of them. Or kids telling their parents they love them spontaneously without any prompting or not after their parent just screamed at them in public. It's an alien world out there to me sometimes. I don't know how "real" those instantaneous glimpses that I see into the lives of others are. Who knows? Knowing my husband as I do though, I do know there are actual loving families out there. His is proof to me. I get jealous of this sometimes.
The other day, I was telling my husband how my E Donor took away a moment where my grandmother was proud of me (not for anything extrodinary, but she was boasting about me to my mom), and not only did my E Donor belittle this emotion from her, she saw fit to tell me this story on the way home from the event. Heaven friggin forbid someone should be proud of me or love me like that. My husband replied, that his mom let him know she was proud when he raked the lawn!!! He grew up knowing that he was loved in a million different ways, and I grew up sure that I was not in a million different ways.
Anyhow, watching these happy families mill around, I was remembering my S Donor's response to an online (actually on this forum or an e-mail that I attached way back when) that the Monster always encouraged him to spend time with me. Now, let me just say, my S Donor only wanted to spend time with me in the brief time he was single. And he didn't want to spend time with ME, he just wanted another female to boss around and control in the interim until he found his next "victim". I was finally out of the house and sort of on my own, and it was his intention not to let me enjoy this moment of the first freedom that I had in my life.
Let me just say, there is no doubt in my mind in that particular union, they are very deserving of each other. I was wondering though, when did evidence of this "wanting" of my S Donor and myself to spend time alone together surface in her attitude. It must have been the day I made the mistake of moving back in, and was greeted with her calling me bitch at the top of the stairs. Or perhaps it was the day where it was made known to me that the S Donor would not help me pick out a car, and that I should bond with the Monster only and have her take me out. (oh, yeah, she would have probably backed a car over me. Oops) Nope, maybe it was the day where I called to wish the S Donor a happy birthday, and she lied that he was at a meeting as to the reason I couldn't call him back later (they were going to my step brothers for a party)
Yeah, she was always trying to bring us together. Saint Big Ass (that's a play on her initials). I am so sorry to my audience that I am harsh on her, but I use this forum to get my anger out. However, I do not blame her for the distance between me and the S Donor that is all his. I blame her for the way she abused me for thinking I was "the other woman". Or for not believing that I should have a relationship with my S Donor, though I heartily agree these days.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
So the next thing I know, Microsoft is mentioning the firewall and a subscription to their service (but not the fact that your actual virus software may be Fing with you). Took my computer administrator (aka husband), who has a day job by the way, to figure this out in his "spare time".
So I can't get rid of Windows or Microsoft products, but I sure don't need my virus software screwing with me. (bye bye Norton)
Monday, February 11, 2008
My father in law, aka the Poop (affectionate term his kids have called him for forever), is not only not computer literate, but any kind of electronic gadget literate. Except the phone, of course. So I have to screw myself up to actually call and have a conversation. He's wicked easy to talk to and a very nice and loving guy. He can talk about my dogs and dogs I see all day long. He LOVES dogs. He also likes to talk business.
So yesterday, he is asking all the business questions, and I am holding myself back from being annoyed for some reason. I know these discussions (no matter who) have always annoyed me. I also know it's because on some level, instead of interpretting it correctly as expressing interest in what I do, I am bracing myself for judgement.
It occurred to me, after I got off the phone, that the reason for this was that my parents always talked to me in judgement, and just about never in interest. So I brace myself still, even when talking with people I trust and know are interested and love me, for the judgement. I wish I had realized this YEARS ago when I used to get so annoyed with my mother in law for bringing up my job or business. She didn't understand then, I am sure. She did always love and accept me, however, and I miss her very much. As does the Poop and her children and grandchildren.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Anyhow, now that I have the itching under control by FINALLY going to see an allergist and skipping any need for referral, and finding out (duh, and me without any medical degree) "yes you are allergic, and here is a list." What a relief!!! I actually know what's wrong, have new meds to help, have a doctor that understands what is going wrong, AND now realize how much this has been affecting me for a long time. It's very similar to when I finally got the help and drugs for bipolar. To feel normal, and not know you were not feeling normal in the first place. To suspect that something far more sinister was going on in your body, and then find out there are these meds you can take (which though aggravating because I don't like to be reliant on meds, what if I become an earthy crunchy hermit someday....yeah right) that actually relieve the problem!!! Seriously, I suddenly feel 500% better. I thought all this time I was getting the worst dry skin in the winter, and not recognizing that I was breaking out in an allergic rash. Took my eyes to swell shut for this to occur to me.
Even with our financial worries, I can say that this point in our lives (me and my husband) has been the happiest and most fullfilling. Especially for me because of being self employed and making this work for me. My husband loves where we live et, and successful in his career, but I think someday he would like to be self employed to. So I am also working on my business with that in mind. The risk has been worth the stress in the other rewards, and we have scaled back on other things. We have managed to make a short vacation work by selling gold scrap, cell phones, and my old tea business stuff. Also we have cashed in points earned on our AMEX card. Therefore, essentially, our upcoming ski trip is free and not as "luxurious" as usual, but I plan to ski myself to exhaustion anyway. I think it's important for Robert as well, and it's a healthy vacation for us physically.
One piece of very bad news. My father in law was just diagnosed with melanoma:( Rob's mom died of cancer two plus years ago now. So that's pretty scary.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
- I am allergic to dust and mites.
- I am allergic to dogs:( We do have a plan to get this under control so I can continue my career AND love up on my dogs as much as I would like.
- I am NOT allergic to mold. (thought this forever, thanks to an incompetent DR that I used to have in MA, who did not bother to say anything but "man up" when I got respiratory problems. It was always a "virus" that did not need any checking. Pisses me off.
- I am NOT allergic to ragweed (always thought I was).
- I am allergic to every kind of tree pollen that is prevelent in the area.
- I am NOT allergic to grass.
- I am NOT allergic to food that commonly causes food allergies.
- I am allergic to cats (but don't own any myself anymore).
- I am allergic to the common "weed mix" in the area.
- I am allergic to English Plantain.
- I am NOT allergic to my husband.
- According to number 1, I am allergic to laundry (okay, hope the husband buys this LOL).
- I am NOT allergic to hard work.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
I am thinking about changing for that. I never want a veterinarian or physician that doesn't refer out. With the veterinarians that do it, it's always about the money because they don't want (if the specialist is in another clinic that sees the general public) to loose their business. Aggravating that you need to take a lot of this into your own hands, due to the downslide of (well every industry) medical care.
Wednesday, I should get all the proper tests done. I had to come off my allergy medicine so that they could test properly. Husband reported that those scratch tests "hurt". Thanks hon. Course he's a wussy boy LOL.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Many times I think I am all done, and I find another subject or feeling comes up, and the best way for me to explore it (strangely enough) is to write about it. To write about it all good, bad, and ugly. I don't know for some reason it's sort of an exorcism, releasing these thoughts ideas and mean pictures of my family. I am acting out in a way I wouldn't and couldn't before.