Trying to be fake or to "fool" my family was not the reason that my face would go into a rigid smile each "family holiday occasion" or "outing out with my donor of choice". It is fairly amusing when the male donor now says "if only you had told me". First of all, one should not need to explain to a human being 20 years their senior that they are committing recognizable abuse verbal and emotional abuse, and especially if the are a professional in education. Second of all, younger conversations with my donors became full blown arguments if they did not agree (aka I did not agree or parrot back their beliefs and feelings) with what I was feeling or saying. It was invalid, and I learned to shut the hell up if I was going to get through a day with either of them. Oh yes, we are the happy family unit, see we can exist in a room together without one of us getting the nearest thing we can bludgeon the other to death with. That should prove it right?
Oh, naive acquaintances and not so close relatives, we are all able to control ourselves for short periods of time. In fact, that is why I stuck it out so long, I did not see the harm that I was doing myself by making these short appearances (or should I say performances) a few times each year. However, my inner dialogue was telling me that something was very very wrong, and why was I groveling for approval?
I needed approval from these people? They have been so perfect, their life has been so successful? Their lives resemble what I would want for myself, for my husband, or for my children (if we had any)? Hell no!!! So exactly why did I need to put on these performances, to drop everything and go hours out of my way for them, to shirk other more important people and things in my life.
The mask came flying off. I did sort of feel bad realizing that in talking to the male donor, he was not prepared or knew whom he was now talking to.
I am sure both my donors had the following moment. She said "no"? She said "I guess that's now your problem, huh?" How dare that bitch (me) say no!
Unlike two spoiled bratty toddlers, they did way more than stamp their feet. I guess their masks came flying off as well. None of us liked the person that was on the other side, and for once, I am going to acknowledge it. I deal with it as best I can without my mask these days, and that is more than okay.
