Tethered in my Younger Days

In my junior high, high school, and college days, I was so out of touch with my feelings about what was happening around me and to me.   I did not recognize that my anger came from being manipulated, played with, used as a pawn by my donors.   I didn't consciously realize this was going on.   Why would I?

And yes, if you follow the links above, you will find that I had issues in my high school and college days.   Issues that I had acknowledged and apologized for long ago.  Issues that my Donors like to go back to and lovingly stroke and carress as their excuse for continued emotional and verbal abuse of me well into adulthood.   If I had not said no to both of them once (and effectively ended my usefullness to either of them), then this behavior towards me would still continue.   If you read my familial rules below, you will find out that is not allowed (saying no):)  Well yes, the behavior towards me does still continue, but they have effectively been hacked out of my life, so it's just not as effective as it once was (plus I don't feel compelled to fetch them whatever they need on a whim).  (for instance S Donor could not ask to take my collectibles for free so he could gift them to Brett with Monster's name on the card as he used to feel free to do).   Yup, his daughter the handy Hallmark not store but give away, because you were born.

I was "trained" not to realize what was going on.  

"Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time. The difference here is you have built a whole different reality about your life and you have left out all of the good that ever happened to you, and there was good before Rob." well yeah, most likely there were moments in my life that were good, not sure they all included dear old Spermy, however.  See my reality is not real.   Much like when I told him I was happy about his divorce to Eggy, I was wrong about that too (eyes roll).

"What I find interesting about your blog is how you can pass off half-truths as fact."  What I find interesting about Spermy is that he starts off the conversation, but when I answer...he can not finish the conversation.   See that would me listening and then in his case...justifying what a shit he is .

"If this is the only way that we can communicate, I’ll give it a shot. I don’t usually read blogs."  yeah, he gave this about as much of a shot as he gave being an actual parent LOL.  Note the long suffering he will give it a shot, while he does not read such stupid drivel .   I should be happy that Spermy, like Eggy, is so obvious and transparent.   It makes my life and decisions so much easier.   And if you are going to have a parentard like this one, let's hope they are as transparent and not bright enough to just realize they put out their true feelings on the INTERNET.   I mean, I realize mine are out there, but I am not trying to reconcile with anyone.  I am not trying to pretend there is a different story to one group of people, and then call Spermy a piece of shit hoping no one sees that.  No alternate face that I am trying to present.  I wasn't a perfect daughter by the way, but I was pefectly alright as a daughter.   In fact, I think I went above and beyond what I was entitled and duty bound to do.

What was going on was only what my controlling parents confided or told me was going on.   The way I was supposed to think and behave came on their direct orders.   Veering from that course meant being beaten down (not physically but in other ways---see above) until compliance was once again achieved.  Everything that happened to my parents was someone else's fault, including mine.   I was the burden, and the burden was not supposed to speak out.   God forbid!!

From the link above and actually posted on my site by S Donor "Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations," (wow, sorry my error, didn't realize I could have fed and clothed myself when I popped out).   This is right up there with lines like "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you, so how dare you cut me out of your life."   I mean is it such a stretch for a parent to not sexually or physically abuse their child?   Do they give out some kind of award (that I am unaware of) for not sexually or physically abusing your child?   And in my S Donor's case, it is so much more convienent to allow the monster to do it for you anyway.  That way, your hands are never dirty...cause you didn't actually physically abuse your child.

The basic familial rules:

• I will never be able to get along without my "family", specifically my parents.   (I have to say if I take out three letters of this statement, I would be able to agree with this in my specific case).
• Parents can do no wrong, and children can do no right (unless you were following the parents directive, and even then if something went wrong that is the child's fault as well).
• Children need to forget parents wrong doings...not only forget but retell the tale and believe that lie.   Parents can hold anything and everything against a child, especially and including the fact that they were born AND that they needed to feed you and cloth you for the first 18 years of your life.
• Children can never make a mistake, and any mistake made will be unforgivable whether it had anything to do with the parents or not.   Parents can make as many mistakes as they would like, and the child better not even remember that it happened.
• Children will never show or express anger.  EVER NO MATTER WHAT.   Place that mask over the face, which was an accident anyway.   Accidents don't get to express feelings or anger.  Again, parents do get to express anger whether it's directed at the child, but really towards the other spouse.   This is because, again, the child should not be there in the first place.
• THE CHILD WILL NEVER EVER, NOT EVEN WHEN THEY REACH ADULT AGE, EVER SAY TO NO THEIR PARENT.
• Oh, and you will procreate and bring forth grandchildren, or that will be yet another thing that you have done wrong.  I did not experiment with that one to see how my children would be treated by their "loving grandparents".   Other than I expect they would have either been ignored or treated like pawns to deliver messages, similar to the way I was treated.  Or any of the other horror stories that other adult children have told of how their parents treat their children.
• The only people that a child is supposed to pay attention to or grieve for is the parent.   A parent has every right to intrude their needs over a period of grief or sickness for that child or that child's loved ones.

I was supposed to love my place.   I was pulled out when needed for something, and put away on the shelf to get dusty and be ignored until needed again.   Later on in my adulthood, my spouse was also supposed to fill in for the burden that they bore by having me.   He was supposed to be (and was) useful for moving furniture, fixing up their summer house, cleaning out dead relatives homes or apartments, or whatever else was needed work wise, especially since I had wised up to the point where I no longer asked how high when told to jump.  I am all to sure that sadly, other children both still growing and adult have experienced these "rules" and "expectations" that they were born into.

These rules are made to silence and repress.  I was supposed to grow up a healthy willing....slave.   Not a happy healthy adult, but someone willing to come to service on the whims of these people who "loved me".  Silenced and repressed I was until about age 29.   And then again still for the other parent until age 38.  Those are some long, confused, depressing, and angry years that my life waited for me until I grabbed it and dragged it back to me.   Oh yeah, at first I was terrified that my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents would no longer have anything to do with me.   Then I thought, er, these are people you see a few times a year.   (I am not saying that I don't like them or anything, but the reality to cleave on desperately to something that only hurts and diminishes you so you could see people on Christmas maybe?)  Some of them still cleave onto the same or similar familial rules that I hung onto.

What is really too bad was that in college, I knew what I needed to do.  If anyone is 18, in the same situation, and reading this....moving out on your own and finding your own way very well may prevent a lot of pain later on.   It may even repair the relationship (though I am under no illusions in my case that is what would have happened). 

You never do know though.  When I was about to be married at 25, I became very upset that my grandmother did not seem excited and happy for me.   (This will also be in my imprinting post)   I was influenced, unfortunately, by the things my S Donor and E Donor said about my grandmother around me, and had never delved into our relationship on a personal basis.   One might expect that I have a bit of trouble with this and relationships in general.   I am not a trusting person, but I try to be more open minded and occaisionally let someone in.  

Finally, I expressed my dissappointment to my grandmother.  I was angry by that time, and it was not a calm sensible discussion on my end.   My grandmother could have called back (after I hung up on her) and told me that I was totally out of line.   Instead when the phone rang, and I picked it up (I had probably thought about not picking it up) the first words that I heard were "I am sorry".   I realized then that I did not know my grandmother at all, and was instead reflecting back what others were imprinting on me about others.   If I had been closer to my grandmother at that point, I could have probably undone some of the damage that my S Donor and Monster made on my grandparents and my relationship.   They certaintly went on a smear campaign, and intentionally went after my relationships so that I would have no one (a very common strategy for these type of people).  

In growing up, loosing relatives and friends, (talking to some of them towards the end) I realized that not being truthful and honest about how you feel DOES NOT AND NEVER WILL HEAL A RELATIONSHIP.   Now it's one thing if someone consciously and knowing chooses to have a superficial relationship, and makes that decision knowing how or if it affects them and their life.   I think it's another to internally hold a grudge and anger until it's too late, and that person did not have a chance to prove you wrong.  I feel this is what happened with my aunt and my grandmother.   There was a lot of anger there, but "duty" kept it from ever being discussed or resolved.  Those familial rules, and I would like to believe that my aunt might have been surprised at the true spirit of my grandmother.   Then again, my grandmother might have been someone else towards her.

This is another thing that "family" or "relatives" have a hard time understanding.  The drinking eating man or woman with the smile on their face is never seen turning the corner and whispering into someone's ear unsavory details about the people they don't like. They missed the monster laughing at my grandmother because she spilled some cookie crumbs on the floor.   They miss the mean spirited smirk when they turn their back.  I don't think my S Donor has the capacity to love or like anyone.   The moment those people are not useful to him, they are out.   This is why his family situation right now is idyllic for him (talking immediate step monster, stepbro), because he is surrounded by others who are very very similar to him.   And thank goodness they found each other instead of unsuspecting other people....again.   They have already spread around their share of strife and unhappiness to those who accidentally stepped on their path.

The great thing is that for almost 6 years now, all tethers have been broken.   I have found myself, and my strength to make my own imperfect relationships and try for more in my life.   I have realized that I deserve more than what some people wanted to burden me with (my mistake in being born).  The consistency of my donors allows those tethers to remain severed, and for me to enjoy the rest of my life.  Still getting over this sure...but realizing the road is right and the paving gets better and better.

Last Two Posts Were Surprisingly Emotional For Me

Funny, I cried after I finished posting that. Got a very nice comment that made me weepy. I don't know there is a lot there that is the reason that I still hold myself back. Mostly by not being able to put myself out there. Well, except for online clearly .

This is a New Year's resolution that I didn't put on the list, because I am very insecure about making it happen. First of all for being self employed, I need to put myself out there sales and marketing wise. So I have made a promise to myself to put myself out there a lot more personally.

There were two college friends whose e-mails don't work anymore. So rather than waiting until another tracks them down, I picked up the phone and started dialing the choices. I found both of them. One, their wife answered who was very nice. I managed to put my foot in my mouth, thinking she might have been his old girlfriend that he conceived a daughter with. She wasn't and of course she knows who that person is. Foot in mouth, just like college . So now that I know where he lives, he will be getting a card, as I am way to mortified to risk getting her again. Course maybe that would be a good exercise.

The next college friend, I recognized his voice immediately even though it's been over twenty years since we have actually talked. We did exchange some e-mails last year. We had a great talk about where we are now, and possibly getting together later on in a mini reunion with some others. It was incredibly nice to talk to him again, he was such a very great friend to me in college.

Any way, if you don't put yourself out there, you don't reap the benefits. It might not turn out well, but it's well worth any previous rejection for something wonderful to happen.

Also, my upbringing as a child, I think stunted my communication and caring skills during college. I guess those lessons needed to be driven home somehow, and I had a gentle group of friends at the time to help drive them home. My parents only communicated by what they needed material or otherwise. There was never any nuturing or caring kind of communication. Like "gee you look pretty today", I normally got "your face is broken out" (like you don't know that) or "you are walking pigeon toed" (like they had such super model posture). It wasn't like a solution was ever given for this, it was just a listing of your deficiencies. So when my life was suddenly not like that, I didn't know how to deal or handle it. Thank God there were these people in my life to tolerate me during this period of time:)

Happy New Year.

Odessey of Friendship and Trust Continued

I guess I am having a brain dump before the new year LOL. At the end of last year, I did track these college friends down. Well, the boys could be found, but the girls are a lot more challenging. You see, most of us probably don't remember the last names of our friends. If we do, and they were girls, um, those last names have probably changed. I did manage to issue apologies for any past actions twenty years later. What was interesting was the gay guy friends were like "oh, we were all immature then I didn't think anything of it". I think the straight guy friends thought I was interested in them a whole nother way LOL. Guys are so dumb. My husband is the same way, if a cute girl is nice to him, he thinks she is flirting. I should probably just let him think that instead of breaking out in laughter. Any way, we were in my college years, and while I wasn't breaking any hearts (except maybe for Dave) I was not being any kind of good friend to my guy friends, especially by making them into boyfriends and discarding them.

So there was the introduction of coke. This substance can make you feel invisible and very sure of yourself when you are doing very stupid things. Dave was such a good friend, that even when he knew I was not being committed to him, he would always be there if I needed a ride or something home. He might be completely pissed and not talking to me, but he did not want me to be a danger to myself. I don't know how he stood behind me all through college. He was really my best friend besides Toby. He had an incredibly kind heart. About three weeks after the "Matt incident" Matt's apartment was broken into and his stero and records were all stolen. They had left glass all over the place. Dave came over and said "hey we gotta go help him out clean his place". Now Matt was way pissed at me, and so I was real hesitant to go. David basically told me to suck it up and take the lumps with him. We did, and that's how me and Matt's relationship as friends took root again. It was the beginning of me not being such a selfish immature ass in college, but I still did many stupid things during this time as partying always came first.

Matt lived in the same complex as me and Linda. Robin and Lorrette (I think I called her Lorraine before) also had moved into the place. It was huge, not a straight up and down place with all sorts of court yards or anything. Oh, it was a slum so don't get the wrong impression there, but a way cool slum. So with the windows open we could all correspond with each other when home. This was comforting to have male pressences so near, especially when I got a stalker later on. He would leave us notes calling me the "bad one" and Linda the "good one". They were very creepy (phone messages too). Also Linda got these horrible migraines that sometimes caused her to bang her head against the floor to knock herself out, and I sometimes needed Matt to help me get her to a soft place or do this thing Linda showed us how to do with her neck. We were all very close and having a good time.

I remember later on Matt was like "the only time I hear from you is when you want something". That stung, but I realized he was right. One thing was though, I didn't know how to relate to people, so I always had to find an excuse to stop by. I am not saying a wasn't a selfish little shit then, but there was that other reason. I agreed with Matt, and later on really tried to be there with him as a friend, and to drop by just to say hi, and not try to force conversation or topics. That worked much better, and Matt remained someone very much in my life through college. I disappointed him a lot too. I see that I started to write about this on the previous posting, but got side tracked by explaining the substance thing. Here is why though.

Matt was a manager at the all night gas station near us. He was soon dating Joan who was also a manager of that gas station. Matt got me a job there, and I worked the night shift at first. I found coke and cigarrettes to be really good tools during this time to stay up and make the night go a bit faster. It was probably very lucky for me that I was a thoughtless jerk at that time, it probably saved me from being raped and killed that night. See the night before this "customer" (who looked like Charles Manson) wanted me to let him into my booth. He threatened to smash it when I told him to get lost with his car. It was pretty frightening. I probably called Matt at like 1am and he came over. The next night at about 10 or 11 pm some frat boys I new had stopped to get some gas. They were having a party that night and begging me to go. So, course, I thoughtlessly went, locked the door, but did not set the alarm as I didn't want to tip anyone off that I left. When I returned at 4 am the next morning, I discovered the booth had been completely smashed, and everything was gone including the register!!! Uh, oh. So I called Matt and told him what happened. He was more concerned about me, and came up with a "story" for me regarding vomiting, going home, and coming back. Here I had put his head on the line, and he is concerned about me keeping my job. He was also the first one that said it was probably that guy staking out the place. The policeman thought so too, and said it was good thing I wasn't there. Regardless, I still feel shitty for letting Matt down.

My friends were way better to me than I was to them. My college friends were the closest friends that I have ever had even to this day. It was still many years before I realized how bad I had dropped the friendship ball in college. Like I said, I provided many other opportunities for disappointment. College is not where I learned distrust of people as friends. I realized later on that those friends are not so easily found in the real world.

The corporate world is really what drove this home. After coming home, meeting Robert, getting a job that I loved at Paul Revere, I put myself through business school. I left Paul Revere, even though I loved it, because they wouldn't transfer me from customer service to accounting which is what I was going to school for. When I got a job in public accounting, I started working full time during the day, and going to school full time at night. You study a lot about ethics in college, and I agree with being ethical. However, what they manage not to tell you, is that if you are in a position of any kind of executive management, you are going to become privvy to an awful truth and need to make a choice. Most corporations are in the business of being unethical, dishonest, and lying to improve the bottom line and improve (especially executive) commissions and bonuses. If you are working there doing your "job", and you for instance find out someone is embezzling. That someone is a Vice President and his close friend the President finds this info embarrassing. What then happens is that your life is made hell, and the embezzeller does leave the company. Yeah, he leaves with a letter of recomendation and two years severance pay. So you gotta decide, do you look out for the best interests or your own interests. I could never manage to look out for my own interests, which made me popular with my employees and others who were honest workers. I never came close to fired as I was incredibly good at what I did, and no one else knew how or wanted to know how I did what I did. I was loyal to my corporation, and put in incredibly long hours to make the impossible happen. I got very jaded from the multitude of experiences I discovered however. I did not need to have the experiences that my husband had to know that just about no one was really your friend at work. I should point out that I have a few people that I still keep in touch with.

The end. That's my husband and I when we were youngsters, and most likely while we were "dating". The things I did wrong before, really taught me to be more careful with people I cared about. That was the most important lesson, and our marriage has been enjoying it for 20 years now.

Trust Issues and Making Friends

I am ahead in my other blogs, so I have time to post here. Funny how I was so frustrated at not being able to post here yesterday, as certain projects were not done LOL.

While it would seem that my parents would be responsible for trust issues from childhood, I don't think my trust issues of inability to make close friends comes from there. I am not sure it's even my inability to make friends rather than it's hard to make friends when you are forty, and I did not maintain those old friendships from grammar, junior high, and high school.

The younger school thing seems more routed in how children can do thoughtless things. When I was in grammar school, I was fairly popular. I remember that I was always the champion for the underdog then. There was this girl, Ellen. She brought a pocket book to school every day. She also had a funny short haircut that was not exactly flattering on her. Kids used to tease her mercilessly in the playground, and steal her pocket book. She would end up in tears at the end of recess.

I am not sure why, but I started to come to her defense and chase the other children away. She wasn't really my friend, and I didn't hang out with her beyond that. I was actually pretty shy, so other children had to come up to me to be friends. I don't think Ellen ever talked to me or anything, so it probably just didn't occur to me to extend myself at all (a situation that still occurs in my non business life).

It may have been that before I was going to school, I was teased by a group of boys waiting outside of my baby sitter's house for my mother. They took my barbie doll and ran away with it. Maybe that struck a chord with me for this poor girl. My parents would never help me out with stuff like that, they always told me to take care of it myself. Something that really didn't start to kick in until Junior High.

I was also very good friends with my neighbor Kathy (one year younger) and her sister Mary who lived next door to me. We could talk through the windows to each other, we played in the woods building forts in the stone wall. We actually got in big trouble taking a stone wall apart that was on the side of my house, and had to put it back together. I don't remember what happened, but as soon as I was in Junior High we were mortal enemies. It's a real shame because we did all sorts of cool things together. There was an abandoned tornado cellar in the field behind our house that was our secret fort, walks along the forbidden railroad tracks, and monster sledding on the way steep hill at the end of the field. We would go back there with our notebooks, and make stories, lists or whatever. We used to make up dances to the BGs, Diana Ross and Andy Gibb in their "den room". They were the first to have one of those basic video games as well. I used to go over there and play them all the time. Then there was the pop up camper and play house. At our other neighbor's house on the other side, all sorts of games were played, and we used to jump off the roof of their play house and swing on the tire swing. Alas something happened (probably me by the way) and we were never friendly again.

Junior High a couple of things happened. First, I made best friends with a really unpopular girl called Barbara. She was chubby and smelled like tuna fish sandwiches, but I had a lot of fun with her. She also hit puberty way early by developing and menstruating first (I think). I've never really been about appearances. My popular grade school friends told me her or them. It became her. I was best friends with Sarah too, and that hurt much, but I wouldn't shelve Barbara over an ultimatum. So a large group of friends went bye bye. I sat at their table once with Barbara, and everyone was just silent, so the next day we just started sitting by ourselves.

I went through a really gawky streak in junior high, though if I look at my junior high graduation photo, I was a really cute kid. Also all the clothes my parents got me were not conventionally cool. It's funny to look at pictures with them in now. I had tuff skin jeans from Sears in every color. I never liked them, but my parents would not buy me the more expensive Levis. I never did begrudge them for this, though my mother complains bitterly because later on in life during what I thought was a nice conversation, I told her how I was teased for the flood different colored tuff skins only in explaining what a really difficult time junior high was. She went off on a tangent about this later on when explaining our estrangement. Good lord. A classic case of a parent of this narcissistic nature using something against you totally out of context.

I was little too in addition to being gawky, oddly dressed, and a band geek with undesirable friends. (or friend as it turned out) Oh, did I mention I was completely flat chested too!!! So I became a target of all the girl and boy bullies in school. Sandra, Nancy and Cheryl took quite a bit of pleasure finding me in the girls locker room and beating me up. Or at least pushing me around et. Finally, I got sick of it and Cheryl came after me, only to find I had locked onto her head and fought back. She laughed then, but never bothered or came near me after that. I spotted Sandra in the hallway, she didn't do anything but I walked up to her and punched her in the face. She never bothered me again, and was too "tough" to report me to the principal. She actually grew to respect me and we had a cautious friendship later on, though I would never hang out with her outside school (didn't trust her that much). Nancy was dealt with later on in High School.

A really bad incident happened where I was attacked on the bus by three boys. They wanted to see if I had anything developing. The bus driver did nothing about it as I yelled and cried for help and tried to keep them off me. When I got home, it was obvious I was crying, but I didn't bother to tell anyone, as I had been expected "to take care of things in the past" with bullies myself. To my mother's credit, she did drag it out of me, and promptly reported it to the principal. The boys were all banned from the bus for the rest of the school year. They were not allowed in school for two weeks (suspended). When they came back, they all apologized to me (two sincerely I think). I overheard two of them talking about how angry and disappointed their parents were, although their parents never reached out or apologized. They never bothered me again, and in fact the two again apologized in high school. Later on when I was successful and went out to dinner with my parents, one of these two was our waiter LOL. Talk about karma coming back to bite you in the butt(not that I have anything against waiters, they are hard working, and I held down a waitress dog for approximately two days before realizing I would hurt someone). However, I would never want to wait on someone that I had done that to or that I had a grudge against in some way. It was pretty funny though.

In Junior High I did get in huge trouble. My best friend and I used to get those Mad magazines. All sorts of cool things used to come with the magazine, and there was this record that had different messages or something, and said something like "I am coming to take you away haha hoho". Any way, we made a bunch of prank calls from Barbara's house to my neighbour Kathy. Apparently she knew who it was (and this was before *69), and she became scared and told her parents. Her parents called my parents, and I denied it (and my parents believed me and reamed her parents). Then they called Barbara's parents, and she confessed. Then Barbara's parents called my parents, and I got in huge trouble. Grounded big time, and the worst was I needed to go apologize to not only Kathy but her parents the next day. Then we walked to the bus together. I did feel very bad, and having to face her parents was the worst as they had always been so nice to me.

When you have that stigma about you in Junior High, it pretty much goes with you to High School no matter what. What really sucked about Junior High was that we had two Junior High Schools. So another whole group of grammar school friends I didn't see again until High School. Many of them wouldn't have been friends with the more shallow group that had followed me, and would have been great support during those years. I had started to get those curves. Course, I was not interested in boys that came to High School with me no matter what, and some did approach where I promptly told them to take a long walk off a tall cliff. Self esteem with the boys, and getting involved with the knuckle draggers has never been my problem. In fact, I do credit this early experience with boys with my ability to weed out the riff raff, and have boyfriends that I still think of as good people later on. I had very odd groups of isolated friends in High School. I don't remember why, but I basically broke up with Barbara. Could be the incident that I described above with Kathy. Any way, always been ashamed of myself that I didn't keep both relationships alive (Kathy and Barbara).

One thing junior high did for me was because I didn't worry about what people thought about me, I was unafraid to do whatever I wanted. I joined the field hockey team and had a great time. I became very involved in band, and would do crazy things like initiate whipped cream fights or just be very silly publicly (some called me immature, but I had a good time without drinking, having sex, or doing drugs) which reminds me.... I spotted the other Junior High bully, Nancy in the band room one day. I was determined not to be picked on physically any more, and before she even saw me I was on top of her. The band director, Mr Grimo, had to pull me off of her, and that was the first time that we met. I don't remember getting in trouble for that at all though.

(Good lord this is getting long and time consuming, but I won't feel like continuing it tomorrow so I will just keep going here)

So in High School, I had a very eclectic group of friends. Basically anyone who would talk to me and who was nice was my friend. There was Janet who came from a much worse family situation than me, and had the worse misfortune to be just as unpopular in High School and very developed. I was also friends with her older sister, and they were both involved with drugs. There was Darlene, very pretty girl but disturbed and involved in drugs. Tony, who was a girl, had gender issues before I really understood what those were. She was very funny, but her stories of going to the mall to confuse and kiss girls never made sense to me....until I understood more later. I understand that she did have a gender change later on. There was a large group of born again Christian friends (and remember I have always been agnostic). Julie and Stephanie are the two I remember the most. I always went to their "events" as social functions, and no one ever tried to pressure me to do anything other than hang out. Later on, I totally blew off a wedding invitation that Julie sent me. She got married in CA to a minister, and she was still very involved with all of that. She was a very nice girl, and I totally regret not keeping in touch with her. Stephanie (or now I think it was Lisa and her best friend was Stephanie) has seen me out several times after High School, and always recognizes me and seems to remember me fondly. There was a boy, David, that we hung out with who battled cancer during high school until he lost the fight in my junior year.

I did manage to have Levis during High School by paying for them myself. Or maybe my parents might have made a Christmas present of one pair. My dad had found my first job for me working in a deserted cemetery late at night. (across from the High School by the way where jocks might wander through) I've always wondered if my dad wanted me to be raped and killed or something. Plus I was so scrawny,I was hardly capable of digging a grave. I was game and tried on more than one occasion, but I am sure my employer thought the grave might be done by natural causes first. My next job,my mother used her "antiquing" connections, and I had a very cool job as a runner for an auction house in Shrewsbury. I was strong enough to help hold up most pieces of furniture. I even got to log in the bidding sometimes. I certainly felt a lot more safe. (although at the grave yard I did enjoy scaring my friends my jumping out of graves when they walked through) The job I found myself, close to home, was in the kitchen of a rest home. Have a mentioned I always sucked in the kitchen. Probably not as much as the cook who used to smoke while cooking, and flick her ashes into whatever she was cooking. Socializing and making the patients happy was more my skill, but my lack of skill in the kitchen (being the main job) is what eventually got me fired. Final job in High School and when I came home from college was at Webster Square Cinema. I could ride my bike to and from there. I started working early mornings as the janitor which was surprisingly cool. Then they also wanted to use me at the candy counter and ticket booth. It was easily the most fun job I had before going into the adult grown up jobs category. First of all my new best friend, Carol, worked there with me. We were surrounded by young people, and when everyone was in the cinema and it was quiet we had the best time.

Carol was one grade below me. I honestly don't remember how we made the connection and were friends. I imagine that it must have been that we were both in band. This was before funding was cut for arts or sports in schools, and so the program was well funded and involved. That and we both used to do those jobs during play productions that people that can't make the audition to be in the play do. Everything seemed to be a musical, and while I could play a decent flute, I could not manage to sing to save my life. My husband asked me to belt out a song once just to see how bad it was. He then requested that I never do it again (kidding of course, but seriously I don't come close to singing on key).

Any way, it was basically Carol and I joined at the hip from sophomore to senior year for me. We were involved in all sorts of escapades together. Her house was equipped with cable, so we often had sleep overs where we would watch MTV until late in the night on the weekends. We snuck out to Anna Maria college a lot, and tried to pretend we were college girls and climb into boys windows. I forgot why they were there, but we met two high school boys, that we would later on see again in music camp there. At a school dance, a few Worcester Academy boys had crashed our dance and became our boyfriends. Brendan (the tongue) is still remembered for being an incredible kisser. Carol was way more sexually daring, and liked to call me as she was measuring Matt's, well you know, which I found very disturbing. At a band trip to Toronto, I cut off my long hair with her (shocking everyone) into way cool eighties styles. My hair was down past my bum before we did this on a whim together. We were also on trips to Philadelphia together. At music camp, we used to spy on the soccer team boys. God they were adorable. we had a swimming pool on site, and there was a viewing floor that had all glass towards it. When the boys would see us up there, their trunks always seemed to fall off or something, which was well appreciated by us. Carol, although younger, was more wild than me. She was also way smarter than me, as was her sister (Princeton, Yale, Oxford, need I say more----oh full scholarships by the way) Their father was brilliant and a known professor and author. He was also very weird, and I am not really sure about what him and his wife were all about. They had separate rooms, and didn't seem to hang out together all that much. So we had many adventures together. What eventually broke us up were two things. When we both got into college, our interests were very different, and I had made new friends. Also, she was very into showing pictures of her boyfriends private parts, and I was way into the fact that I wanted nothing to do with that. I would say I am far from a prude, but there is a line where you cross over into too much information. You know what I mean? I do have pictures from my graduation where we are hugging each other with our other friend, Wesley. Looking at that picture, I am sure we all thought we would be friend forever. I did see her later after a bunch of failed trips that we didn't enjoy. I was with my then boyfriend, Robert (ie now husband) and our friend Rich. We saw her at a popular hang out called the firehouse. Ironically, she had become best friends with my Junior High best friend, Barbara. I wonder if it was some kind of support group. I was admittedly a bit full of myself in college having finally fallen into a cool in group, and not a great friend to anyone. So Carol goes, "hey we should all go out together". So I said (in a hugely buzzed state) what I meant to keep in my head out loud!!! I said "yeah maybe.....Not!!!" That was the last time we saw each other, and I was mortified that I said that out loud.

So college....I wish there was a way I could let everyone know, who has been unpopular during previous years, that it normally does get better from this point on. Fresh slate, way more diversity, everyone is starting off anew. My very first day at college, I met two friends Grace and Toby. Grace and my friendship was short lived, but me and Toby remained good friends during my whole three semesters until the end. I had started in college going for music. Performance music to be specific, but I was determined to be able to play with the Boston Symphony or nothing at all. To be honest, a couple years off of finding myself were called for. However, I got pressured. See my parents got divorced in my senior year of high school. I was basically notified of this the day before my mother moved into her new apartment, and I was thrilled. It was a long time coming. I thought even if I have to stay with one, they gotta do better apart than they do together. Any way, the divorce said that my father was only responsible for my college for two years, so his first priority was to minimize it (the college that is). So when I said I needed a break, he was like "up to bad, the divorce says I only need to support your college for two years now or never".

Being so young, needing to get out of that house, but not knowing how to do that on my own, I acquiesced to what I thought my dad's wishes were. In hindsight, I really feel he was just trying to get out of it. In truth, I paid for my college. I didn't even know what he was doing, and he put the loans in my name. He had me deposit the excess in my bank account (for those of you with college kids, not a real good idea). I didn't even know it, and I already had my first loan. I'm not sure I was even told what I was signing. Later on, my mother somehow found out, and tried to influence me to sue my father (mostly over her bitterness that he didn't want to be friends with her after the divorce, because she was having an affair two years prior). I decided not to do it, as not only was it not worth it, but I didn't even try in college. My freedom was well worth the price of that loan, even if it was paid off finally when I was 35. My father is a great one for reneging on his word especially for material things. For instance, both my dad and mom agreed on the divorce settlement that I was to get my bed (an antique). My dad decided he wanted it for himself, so he kept it then sold it for himself. He never intended to keep that word. It would have in fact never occurred to the man I know to do so. He's done this so many times, and I forgave him so many times for things (other than the college) thatI never should have done so. That is why the final insult hurt so much. Any way, this novel is not to discuss that now, just let you know where my head was in college.

All during my pre-college school life, my parents were incredibly controlling. I was often in their site at any out of school time. I think that is why I didn't get involved in alchohol and drugs, and really was ignorant about boys (except the Hite reports my mom would force on me). There I was with my own dorm room all of a sudden. While I wasn't all that far away from home, I was not in easy reach to both of my parents. My mom had moved to PA by this point. Plus it was a clean slate as far as previous knowledge of me. No stigma followed me from Junior High to High School. In fact some other students went to U Lowell, and I was now the cool one. I had zero problem attracting boys. My college advisor (hot college boy named Bob) invited me to my first alcholic party the first day of classes. Where I met more hot boys, and some girlfriends (ie Stephanie) that I later became very close with. The girls left walking for the dorm I(or did the bus pick us up from the North to the south side?), the boys were ALL passed out with loftier goals forgotten.

So this was a whole different game for me, and I am not going to pretend it did great things for my personality. I did get very full of myself. However, it did provide me with humility and confidence later on. U Lowell did one thing right, which was to bring a group of students in their first year through all the same classes. This did a lot to expand my friend base, but as well distracted me completely from the task at hand. Although, for a performance student, performing in front of people has always been a problem for me. Now that I am older and wiser, I can handle it. Corporate world helped that in a big way. The school didn't actually nuture problem areas as much as bring students down who were not excelling. So my new interest combined with a disgust of the professors did not help. I recognized at this early age, that since I was not paying the tuition (and sadly not talking to my dad about this) that they were not interested in me or my development. A problem I found when I was aware that I was putting myself through college later on in business school, because they still thought only parents were paying tuition. Regardless, tuition paying parents were still the biggest demographic to be catered to, certaintly not the students.

Later on, one of my friends, Linda, and I decided to get our own apartment. My father flipped out, and sent me this letter apologizing but saying "you should know how your dad is". He was probably right, but the way he went about trying to "convince" me left me cold, and I was doing it if I had to pay for it myself (was anyway but didn't know it) or not. The dorms that is, were covered by the loan. Dad did in fact pay for the apartment, but I didn't understand that the difference was I had already paid for the dorm. I also got a job at a gas station doing the all night shift.

Hmm, my job and my first college boyfriend, Matt. I have no pictures of college, but I remember that Matt was very cute, but perhaps not in your conventional male model cute way. He was not chubby, as became my preferance later on. He was fit,with curly hair, and he played an awesome classical guitar, although I don't know that he knewI had overheard him practicing. Like all the music majors that I tracked down, Matt has not used his music in his adult life. I thought he was really good, and there was nothing that got me hotter than excellent guitar playing. We flirted at first, and then I think he thought he scored when I agreed to date him. You know the thing was that Matt was a couple years older than me, and ready for a relationship. I had never really had the freedom to explore the relationship thing at all. So I was immature and incredibly cocky. So I appreciated Matt at first solely for the fact that he found me attractive, and we had some really great sleepovers that moved me into some new territory. Ironically, that didn't really hold when I basically forced him to initiate me in my first time. Due probably to the "sexual freedom" and girls should do everything that boys do and the free love mentality that my mom had preached to me, I was way up for the task. My virginity, to me was a hinderance. You can imagine that it might have been a bit uncomfortable for Matt. First of all, by the time it happened, we were kind of broken up. Second of all, that's kind of a lot of pressure to put on someone you don't have a more intimate relationship than a crush fullfilled. Needless to say, it wasn't good but it didn't ruin it for me. I had expected that, and treated it with that much respect. Interestingly enough, me and Matt did try to rekindle our romance during the year and a half, but it became kind of like kissing my brother despite the earlier chemistry. It is one of three friendships that I regret taking into that territory. I regret the hurt that I caused him before that incident that I will explain shortly.

In hindsight, I would have still liked to experiment, but would have put both my and my partners feelings first rather than treat it so cavelerly. I really didn't realize the difference though until I fell in love with my husband. I also had many more lessons to learn in college, and regrets to look back on later. One thing that I have never regretted about my earlier attitude though, is that I have never been curious about what it would be like to be completely wild. Been there, done that. No big deal. The really big deal is being completely in love and intimate with someone. If I had waited for that, it would have been Robert, and then would I have been curious? I don't know. I am for sexual freedom by the way. If one guy and two girls want to live together and call themselves a family, great. I am all for it. Same sex relationships, I have never seen the problem. As long as someone is not being molested or raped or hurt against their will (and I am including statutory rape here), that's really their business. It's not the way I choose to manage my relationship, but that's completely my choice. It's the way I naturally feel. If something else works better for another, why not? Assuming the no hurting thing of course, which means responsible sex as well. Plus all those gymnastics you go through when you are young (on the sink, in the car, on the balcony) are great for novelty. Let's face it though,not all that comfortable.

Probably falling into the category of too much info now LOL. Want to explain a bit where my head (or lack of understanding) was at the time. I was popular with both girls and boys (though not in the same way). I had freedom that I never imagined before. Sororities wanted me. People wanted to be my friend. I could pick and choose, but I was still friends with all alike. It wasn't like in High School, where the quality of your friends was judged by the "cool crowd". College was a diverse and interesting melting pot. Unlike my high school where there was one Jewish family, one Latin family, and one African American family. I hung out with some Iranian friends on the weekends, and talked indepth about the poster of (I can't remember who) on thier wall. I marvelled at the fact that their college car was a lambourgini (spelling I know). No one cared that I wore mostly Goodwill clothes (another place I worked and took some perks). In fact it made me cool and artistic. Plus in my shape then, I could have shown up in a large pillow case. This was something I never experienced before, and it was so exciting.

The first apartment was the party center. It was right accross from the college. I remember the first day of our second semester cracking a beer in the am (hate hate beer now) and then walked accross to my first class in my fuzzy blue pajamas. I was a goddess. During this period of time, I never gained any serious weight. Course the fact that I couldn't drive and had to bike and walk most everywhere (including the grocery store five miles away) certaintly helped. Well that and the coke we all started taking.

Did I mention my first boyfriend, Matt, was a coke dealer. He was a coke dealer on a very small scale. Still that will explain my access to this despite lack of funding. Despite the hurtful things I did to Matt, we were still very close all through college, except for maybe a few weeks (after the hurtful thing). I might as well get into that now. It's not something that I am even close to proud of. Matt's best friend was Dave. I remember that me and Matt were getting sort of bored of each other, and there were games being played (mostly by me). I refused to wear glasses, and a misunderstanding happened one day when Matt waved to me and I didn't acknowledge him. I remember the day, and I couldn't see who it was so I didn't wave. Matt was pissed and the beginning of the end was starting. Matt never cheated on me, and I am quite sure he would have broken up appropriately unlike myself.

Any way, I made a date to go to a party that he knew about with Chris, another flute player. I wasn't actually interested in Chris, and later on managed to hurt his feelings quite a bit. That's because I spotted Dave, who was Matt's best friend and a good friend of mine, and ended up spending most of my time at the party with him. Something sparked between us, and I ended up spending the night at his apartment although we did not do the deed. We thought it was our little secret, not realizing all of our many friends had witnessed this. So that morning Matt heard about it. It was probably Chris that was the first to tell him. Talk about Karma, huh?

David showed up to breakfast at Matt's the next morning. I wasn't there but Dave told me all about it. I amso glad they remained friends from the beginning. So Matt casually says something like "heard there was a good party the other night". David is clueless but wanting to deflect the topic. Matt's like "I heard Robin went with a date the other night. Did you see her there?" Dave is like, yeah I think she went with Chris. Then Matt goes, I heard she left with someone else though. The cat was out of the bag, and we became a couple (me and Dave) shortly thereafter. While this is one of the best pre-marriage relationships I have had, I still wish we had just remained friends. We would probably still be in contact today. When you have a close passionate relationship with someone, it normally ends up that you can't be friends. Especially when you have a young and immature girlfriend who is going to be so thoughtless about your feelings over and over again. We were on and off all through college. David was also a sweety pie. He got the first CD player that I ever saw, and on New Year's eve we had a picnic on his apartment floor and enjoyed a little Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Like Matt, he would save up and bring me out to dinner and cook me an awesome steak (no boyfriend I have ever had has expected that I might cook or clean LOL).

I don't really think about it now or try to count how many times I hurt David. We had a very passionate and close relationship. Another thing we shared though, was a temper. Although David was nothing like my dad, I think it brought up an unfortunate comparison and control issues that were not really there. I, however, had not learned to control my temper, and to have someone equally as volatile as me was not good. I recognized that. David had a lot of cause to be frustrated with me. The thing was, I was not mature enough to handle it. I also had the misconception that he would want lots of kids. So in the end, I never wanted to make any commitment to David no matter how hot and heavy we were running. I am sure this was very confusing for him. I want to get into the intro to coke first though. Be assured, I have never done it since my time at Lowell. I mean I would have had to 1) pay for it and 2) trust the source. I trusted Matt, I would never trust a stranger with that.

The reason for getting into this, is I don't want anyone to ever underestimate how this can effect relationships. The liquor is bad enough. I was horribly shy, and let me tell you that was the first step to any shyness being a problem. We used to get together at my friends Adam, Libby and Peter's apartment. Robin and Lorraine, (Libby's girlfriend) their next door neighbors would be over. Also Linda's old high school friends (and our neighbors) Chris (Scott's brother & not flute Chris), Scott (Chris's brother), and their roommate, Keith, would come over. We played poker or quarters many times at these gatherings. David would either by our drinks for that night, or we would go half and half for the white russian mixings or the Captain and Coca Cola would be provided (usually by Matt and his roommate John). This night, we were playing poker and the boys were enjoying some coke. Linda, surprising enough (normally very straight), was the first to ask for a try. The boys were like "no way, you don't need this". I think Matt later gave in, probably because he was pissed and me and thought "you aren't my problem to watch out for anymore". David was against it, but I wore him down somehow. I think he thought we would try it,hate it,and that would be it. Unlike pot though, I loved coke. Talk about getting rid of your shyness, and made you feel a lot more energetic as well. Linda stuck with it while I was there at college too. Turns out, it was a pretty good weight loss mechanism (like I needed that). It's pretty dangerous as well both physically and as far as good judgement happens. I probably won't go into all of that. This posting is way long enough as it is. Rest assured, there were more bad decisions than I am about to post about.

Now it's six pm, and I think I will have to continue the final chapters tomorrow.