Sunday, August 07, 2011

Tethered in my Younger Days

In my junior high, high school, and college days, I was so out of touch with my feelings about what was happening around me and to me.   I did not recognize that my anger came from being manipulated, played with, used as a pawn by my donors.   I didn't consciously realize this was going on.   Why would I?

And yes, if you follow the links above, you will find that I had issues in my high school and college days.   Issues that I had acknowledged and apologized for long ago.  Issues that my Donors like to go back to and lovingly stroke and carress as their excuse for continued emotional and verbal abuse of me well into adulthood.   If I had not said no to both of them once (and effectively ended my usefullness to either of them), then this behavior towards me would still continue.   If you read my familial rules below, you will find out that is not allowed (saying no):)  Well yes, the behavior towards me does still continue, but they have effectively been hacked out of my life, so it's just not as effective as it once was (plus I don't feel compelled to fetch them whatever they need on a whim).  (for instance S Donor could not ask to take my collectibles for free so he could gift them to Brett with Monster's name on the card as he used to feel free to do).   Yup, his daughter the handy Hallmark not store but give away, because you were born.

I was "trained" not to realize what was going on.  

"Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time. The difference here is you have built a whole different reality about your life and you have left out all of the good that ever happened to you, and there was good before Rob." well yeah, most likely there were moments in my life that were good, not sure they all included dear old Spermy, however.  See my reality is not real.   Much like when I told him I was happy about his divorce to Eggy, I was wrong about that too (eyes roll).

"What I find interesting about your blog is how you can pass off half-truths as fact."  What I find interesting about Spermy is that he starts off the conversation, but when I answer...he can not finish the conversation.   See that would me listening and then in his case...justifying what a shit he is .

"If this is the only way that we can communicate, I’ll give it a shot. I don’t usually read blogs."  yeah, he gave this about as much of a shot as he gave being an actual parent LOL.  Note the long suffering he will give it a shot, while he does not read such stupid drivel .   I should be happy that Spermy, like Eggy, is so obvious and transparent.   It makes my life and decisions so much easier.   And if you are going to have a parentard like this one, let's hope they are as transparent and not bright enough to just realize they put out their true feelings on the INTERNET.   I mean, I realize mine are out there, but I am not trying to reconcile with anyone.  I am not trying to pretend there is a different story to one group of people, and then call Spermy a piece of shit hoping no one sees that.  No alternate face that I am trying to present.  I wasn't a perfect daughter by the way, but I was pefectly alright as a daughter.   In fact, I think I went above and beyond what I was entitled and duty bound to do.

What was going on was only what my controlling parents confided or told me was going on.   The way I was supposed to think and behave came on their direct orders.   Veering from that course meant being beaten down (not physically but in other ways---see above) until compliance was once again achieved.  Everything that happened to my parents was someone else's fault, including mine.   I was the burden, and the burden was not supposed to speak out.   God forbid!!

From the link above and actually posted on my site by S Donor "Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations," (wow, sorry my error, didn't realize I could have fed and clothed myself when I popped out).   This is right up there with lines like "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you, so how dare you cut me out of your life."   I mean is it such a stretch for a parent to not sexually or physically abuse their child?   Do they give out some kind of award (that I am unaware of) for not sexually or physically abusing your child?   And in my S Donor's case, it is so much more convienent to allow the monster to do it for you anyway.  That way, your hands are never dirty...cause you didn't actually physically abuse your child.

The basic familial rules:

  • I will never be able to get along without my "family", specifically my parents.   (I have to say if I take out three letters of this statement, I would be able to agree with this in my specific case).
  • Parents can do no wrong, and children can do no right (unless you were following the parents directive, and even then if something went wrong that is the child's fault as well).
  • Children need to forget parents wrong doings...not only forget but retell the tale and believe that lie.   Parents can hold anything and everything against a child, especially and including the fact that they were born AND that they needed to feed you and cloth you for the first 18 years of your life.
  • Children can never make a mistake, and any mistake made will be unforgivable whether it had anything to do with the parents or not.   Parents can make as many mistakes as they would like, and the child better not even remember that it happened.
  • Children will never show or express anger.  EVER NO MATTER WHAT.   Place that mask over the face, which was an accident anyway.   Accidents don't get to express feelings or anger.  Again, parents do get to express anger whether it's directed at the child, but really towards the other spouse.   This is because, again, the child should not be there in the first place.
  • Oh, and you will procreate and bring forth grandchildren, or that will be yet another thing that you have done wrong.  I did not experiment with that one to see how my children would be treated by their "loving grandparents".   Other than I expect they would have either been ignored or treated like pawns to deliver messages, similar to the way I was treated.  Or any of the other horror stories that other adult children have told of how their parents treat their children.
  • The only people that a child is supposed to pay attention to or grieve for is the parent.   A parent has every right to intrude their needs over a period of grief or sickness for that child or that child's loved ones.
I was supposed to love my place.   I was pulled out when needed for something, and put away on the shelf to get dusty and be ignored until needed again.   Later on in my adulthood, my spouse was also supposed to fill in for the burden that they bore by having me.   He was supposed to be (and was) useful for moving furniture, fixing up their summer house, cleaning out dead relatives homes or apartments, or whatever else was needed work wise, especially since I had wised up to the point where I no longer asked how high when told to jump.  I am all to sure that sadly, other children both still growing and adult have experienced these "rules" and "expectations" that they were born into.

These rules are made to silence and repress.  I was supposed to grow up a healthy willing....slave.   Not a happy healthy adult, but someone willing to come to service on the whims of these people who "loved me".  Silenced and repressed I was until about age 29.   And then again still for the other parent until age 38.  Those are some long, confused, depressing, and angry years that my life waited for me until I grabbed it and dragged it back to me.   Oh yeah, at first I was terrified that my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents would no longer have anything to do with me.   Then I thought, er, these are people you see a few times a year.   (I am not saying that I don't like them or anything, but the reality to cleave on desperately to something that only hurts and diminishes you so you could see people on Christmas maybe?)  Some of them still cleave onto the same or similar familial rules that I hung onto.

What is really too bad was that in college, I knew what I needed to do.  If anyone is 18, in the same situation, and reading this....moving out on your own and finding your own way very well may prevent a lot of pain later on.   It may even repair the relationship (though I am under no illusions in my case that is what would have happened). 

You never do know though.  When I was about to be married at 25, I became very upset that my grandmother did not seem excited and happy for me.   (This will also be in my imprinting post)   I was influenced, unfortunately, by the things my S Donor and E Donor said about my grandmother around me, and had never delved into our relationship on a personal basis.   One might expect that I have a bit of trouble with this and relationships in general.   I am not a trusting person, but I try to be more open minded and occaisionally let someone in.  

Finally, I expressed my dissappointment to my grandmother.  I was angry by that time, and it was not a calm sensible discussion on my end.   My grandmother could have called back (after I hung up on her) and told me that I was totally out of line.   Instead when the phone rang, and I picked it up (I had probably thought about not picking it up) the first words that I heard were "I am sorry".   I realized then that I did not know my grandmother at all, and was instead reflecting back what others were imprinting on me about others.   If I had been closer to my grandmother at that point, I could have probably undone some of the damage that my S Donor and Monster made on my grandparents and my relationship.   They certaintly went on a smear campaign, and intentionally went after my relationships so that I would have no one (a very common strategy for these type of people).  

In growing up, loosing relatives and friends, (talking to some of them towards the end) I realized that not being truthful and honest about how you feel DOES NOT AND NEVER WILL HEAL A RELATIONSHIP.   Now it's one thing if someone consciously and knowing chooses to have a superficial relationship, and makes that decision knowing how or if it affects them and their life.   I think it's another to internally hold a grudge and anger until it's too late, and that person did not have a chance to prove you wrong.  I feel this is what happened with my aunt and my grandmother.   There was a lot of anger there, but "duty" kept it from ever being discussed or resolved.  Those familial rules, and I would like to believe that my aunt might have been surprised at the true spirit of my grandmother.   Then again, my grandmother might have been someone else towards her.

This is another thing that "family" or "relatives" have a hard time understanding.  The drinking eating man or woman with the smile on their face is never seen turning the corner and whispering into someone's ear unsavory details about the people they don't like. They missed the monster laughing at my grandmother because she spilled some cookie crumbs on the floor.   They miss the mean spirited smirk when they turn their back.  I don't think my S Donor has the capacity to love or like anyone.   The moment those people are not useful to him, they are out.   This is why his family situation right now is idyllic for him (talking immediate step monster, stepbro), because he is surrounded by others who are very very similar to him.   And thank goodness they found each other instead of unsuspecting other people....again.   They have already spread around their share of strife and unhappiness to those who accidentally stepped on their path.

The great thing is that for almost 6 years now, all tethers have been broken.   I have found myself, and my strength to make my own imperfect relationships and try for more in my life.   I have realized that I deserve more than what some people wanted to burden me with (my mistake in being born).  The consistency of my donors allows those tethers to remain severed, and for me to enjoy the rest of my life.  Still getting over this sure...but realizing the road is right and the paving gets better and better.


mulderfan said...

All sounds so damn familiar! I envy you and want to be in the place you are now.

Winterskiprincess said...

You will get to where you want, mulderfan. As you can see, the start of the journey is just a start. We are talking from at least 18-29 years old not taking control. From 29 to 38, still not realizing the full extent of the problem. Then just from 38 to 45, acceptance of the way they are and will remain (pretty much) to acceptance that what I did was right and necessary for my continued growth and happiness in life overall. Also acceptance that other friends and relatives are not going to understand or necessarily care, and that is okay with me:) We don't have to all agree.

The moment others have the exact life that I would want, I might question my decisions and actions. However, other examples have shown me how I DO NOT want my life to go, so I will not be modeling their way.

Winterskiprincess said...

You know, personally it would be MY preference that no one HAD TO get here. If all kids could just have loving parents who appreciated them whether they were expected or unexpected...

Course there is always something, and at least I am physically fit (and getting fitter), happy in my marriage, happy in my career, and happy where I live.