Sunday, August 07, 2011

Open Your Eyes and See

Found a new blog today.   I just had to laugh, as there is always much discussion about a Narcissist's playbook.  Well "Open Your Eyes and See" has just discovered the use of such a book in her own family situation.

The targets of this sort of behavior always question themselves about whether they are overreacting or crazy, and then when this sort of gift falls into one's lap---it's sad that some of us actually need this evidence, when we aren't doing anything wrong other than living our lives to the best of our ability (and being honest and straight forward).

Manipulation, I am convinced, is a sneaky form of abuse.

Great blog, and I have included it in my "blogs that prove you are NOT alone".


mulderfan said...

In a way it was very sad when Jonsi made this heartbreaking discovery but at the same time, such revelations definitely speed up our recovery process.

Winterskiprincess said...

I know what you mean. I remember my first few "discoveries". UGH devestating, but it helped me go forth with confidence.

There is no doubt about it, it would be nice if some people were gentler and kinder (to put it mildly), BUT they are not. Plus, that is quite completely out of our control.

It sure is irksome, but we gotta go on and enjoy the life we were given regardless of the state they find themselves trapped in. Out of our control or power to change it.

Jonsi said...

Thanks Winterskiprincess! I just saw that you wrote about my blog on Upsi's blogroll list.

I'm sad to say my Narc MIL's behaviors don't surprise me. I've known she was capable of such behaviors since I met her. She's about as close to evil as I think any human being can get.

Winterskiprincess said...

I still find myself constantly surprised at actions taken by those that I am estranged from. I shouldn't be surprised that they are always ready to sink to that new low.

I always (for some unknown reason) think I will one day see a spark of humanity, class, or whatever. Just when I begin to think it might be there (just cause I have not been in contact for so long), there it is---their lack of humanity and class.

Jonsi said...

I can understand that deep-seeded desire to see change in these people. In my experience though, it just never comes.

It's so hard, as an empathetic person, to be able to really wrap our minds around the callousness and utter cruelty of people like your parents, or my husband's parents. While their behaviors don't really surprise me, I am always appalled by them.

How can a mother really do this to her son? How can a human being treat another human being this way?

Answer: I suppose they are monsters. And I feel that it's best to shine the light on them, and then walk away.

Jonsi said...

Winterskiprincess, I have spent a bit of time over at your mother's blog. Would you mind if I wrote about some of the things she has said on my blog? (If you want, you can email me privately at

Your mother is...quite a piece of work.

Jonsi said...

P.S. You don't have to publish that comment if you feel uncomfortable with my request.

Winterskiprincess said...

Jonsi, oh no feel free, and I doubt very much that I will be surprised by those comments. At least not in that I totally expect what she is going to say, yet I will be totally appalled...yet again at what she had said LOL.

I haven't talked to her since at least 1997, so I do have a black sense of humor about it.

Winterskiprincess said...

"Your mother is...quite a piece of work" You don't know the half of it, and I have lived in fear that I will become her or my grandmother on that whole life including childhood.

I, luckily enough, come from two really big pieces of work, IMHO. Sometimes they travel in packs.

mulderfan said...

Nature often seems to compensate by giving two really ugly people a beautiful child. Maybe that's what happens when two nasty buggers produce a decent human being!

Winterskiprincess said...

Thank you for such a nice thought, mulderfan!

Anonymous said...

Wow . . . I really feel for you, having read some of the stuff on this blog. I came from a really sick twisted family myself . . . perhaps you'll find closure when your step- and your dad die . . . I know I did.

Beyond that comment, I really, REALLY hope you're seeking therapy to try to get past this, because at a certain juncture, and a certain age, I don't think all this rumination is healthy . . . do you find yourself depressed often? If so, I wonder if it has anything to do with the inability to let go of this kind of stuff. It's kinda sad, to be kept prisoner for a huge chunk of your life, to something(s) that happened when you were very young and had no power over the things that happened to you. My personal opinion is that, if you're past the age of 30 and have moved away and have life autonomy, you're no longer a victim, you're a volunteer. You have a choice here . . . completely breaking all contact is definitely on the table, too. Stop pissing and moaning, and take REAL action. I wish you the best.

Winterskiprincess said...


Most of the people who correspond on these blogs have taken real action, have real lives, and sharing and support is part of our therapy.

I find people wasting their time hunting down blogs to judge people have a lot of unresolved problems. Please find another and healthier way of resolving them for youself. If you review the language that was used and masked under a false mask of concern for others, perhaps you will see what I mean.

Communication is something I practice on my blog to get my feelings out that were trapped for a long time. I think my comment speaks to my progress in this area, as this reply was not my first gut reaction .

Have a good life, and good hunting if that is what helps you.

mulderfan said...

Anon, you "judge" us unfairly as volunteers, while dismissing a the lifetime of conditioning many of us have fought hard to overcome. If you victimize someone throughout their childhood they will, most likely, grow up believing they are worthless.

FYI, a THERAPIST suggested I "piss and moan" on a blog as a way to rid myself of my demons. Its actually been a great way for me to meet other "volunteers" who, unlike you, validate my experiences.

Winterskiprincess is one of the bloggers I admire greatly for her strength and determination to build a healthy and fulfilling life in spite of naysayers like you.

Winterskiprincess said...

Luckily, I do not need anyone to die to get closure. I think many people that I correspond with have sought this closure before death.

I think that is a healthy thing, personally. It also keeps the door open for possibilities.

I think what is also not understood (and what we do not need to justify) is these estrangements actually have very little to do with childhood other than perhaps not being able to bond to the parent in any way that would keep us unhealthily chained to them.

Moving on does not mean there is not a period of mourning for the "fantasy" relationship we all wanted to have. Facing and dealing with the reality is all a part of moving forward and beyond while these people are still living. Thus not needing them to die for "closure". In fact, I hope they have the life they want, I just want them to stay the heck away from me at this particular time:)

Jonsi said...

Anon's comment is intriguing to me. Something I picked up on that hasn't yet been mentioned: "My personal opinion is that, if you're past the age of 30 and have moved away and have life autonomy, you're no longer a victim, you're a volunteer."

Yeah, lets pick a random age and apply that to EVERYONE and say THAT is when change is supposed to occur, or THAT is when you're supposed to have figured out how to "properly let go."

I call bologna on that one - that's just sheer ignorance talking - I think learning how to deal with the emotional abuses you have suffered is a lifelong process, and there isn't anyone who can impose their "shoulds" on you.

Jonsi said...

PS Winterski - I haven't forgotten about writing about one of your mother's posts. It's still a project I'd like to tackle.

mulderfan said...

I was told to accept my abusers ( as they are and I do. I accept that they will never change and I accept that I no longer want to deal with their BS.

At tgis point I feel neither anger nor resentment toward them for what they did. It's in the past which also makes it impossible to change.

They have every right to keep on living as they choose, and I only ask that they afford me the same right. At this point, whether they live or die means nothing to me.

Winterskiprincess said...

Jonsi, it would have been kind of hard for me to stop ruminating about it at 30, as I had not started even thinking about it (with my dad and step) until I was 40.

Don't think that time machine has been developed yet. In fact, i would say that I would like to go back to age 18 and look at the reality of the situation with new eyes, but then parts of my life that I enjoy might not exist!

The butterfly effect and all.

Regarding my mother, heehee, I look forward to your post.

Winterskiprincess said...

It was constantly brought up to me that my family was all that I had, and not having them meant not having anyone.

Luckily, I always knew that the people behind me were the people behind me AND eventually realized perhaps being alone would be preferable...than just being abused mentally and emotionally. I did ask them to stop doing that first, and my take on the answer was a resounding "NO" "WE ARE ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG AND WORTHLESS". Message received, dismissed, and deleted .

Thanks for my freedom and the freedom to move on.