Thursday, June 29, 2006

Black Sheep Vs Golden Child (response to board post)

Although I had no siblings, somehow I was always made to feel lik ethe "black sheep" by my parents. I had an unremarkable childhoodand teenage years, but I would have sworn I was an alcholic, drug addict, and punk during this time. By the way, during this time, I did none of those things. I was always home after school, I made supper three times a week, had chores to do, did my homework although not well (bored of school before college), and tried to survive the environment that I found myself in as best a could.

Probably the badest thing that I did, was try to islolate myself from my parents early on to avoid the arguing.My step-brother has always been the "golden child", and while I have never talked to him about this, I have never covetted his place either. The mildest of infraction on his part is commented on. Like one mother's day, Andy decided to sit at his in-laws table (he was spending other time with his mother), and looking back on the pictures of the big family gathering, I still see in the photos the angry red flush on my steps face and her angry look. Not directed at me for once!! My step goes over to their house every weekend. Can you imagine if you are a couple that might like SOME privacy EVERY NOW and AGAIN? Course she does provide them with free babysitting, but I have often wondered if the price is really worth it to them? Now they got them both for every time they would have asked a favor of me (only time they would call me by the way), now I am sure they get those calls, and angry responses if they dare to say no. I don't envy my step-brother this additional responsibility. On the other hand, he has had it pretty well in his life, so a little bit of stress won't kill him.

When I was older, although it was clearly not my fault that I was slapped out of a sound sleep in my own house, somehow it was my fault that I was angry at the step who was trying to start a physical abuse campaign on me, and instead found me to have quite the backbone when I walked out on them. My father's secretary didn't even know who I was. Any way, that is all old news.

What struck me about the attached post, are there are certain patterns of manipulation that can be traced in these dysfunctional families. Whether you arethe "golden" child who has been coddled and exhaulted, or you are the "black sheep" that has been stripped down for no reason, there is a strategy in this by the dysfunctional parent in my opinion. I was stripped down, because I was expected to have no self esteem.I was expected to hop to when asked to, and to never dare ask anything of myself, like "please don't make the death of a belovedperson in my life a problem just because I don't want you to sell my house". 18 years later after the slap that launched me out of the house, this was the next unforgivable act on my part which needed punishing. And when I didn't curl up in the fetal position and beg forgiveness, oh you guessed it, that was the second unforgivable acton my part. Now the family knowing that Robin is not "away on overseas vacations for the rest of her life", yup there is number3. I am supposed to be ashamed of course, and hiding in my house hoping noone knows. Instead, I am out and about the town. I see them on the street on the beach. I say hello if I see them on the street and wave. That would be number 4 in there book, I shouldlook like a crazy mental ill outcast daughter. Instead I look like me only happier.

It's even worse that my husband wants nothing to do with the step of course, that makes everyone husband is just not like that.Course I don't worry about my relatives that know and love me. They know me and are aware of the situation. As for the relatives that have never had time for me, well they will think what they will think. I can't control that, nor do I want to particularly.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Onward & Upward

Living well is the best "revenge". I don't think so, but I do believe in living life to the fullest. It's a hard life filled with hard work, and what else is that for but to have some fun and enjoyment?

When I get down about the situation, all I have to do is imagine what an event, like father's day, would have been like if I had gone along with the tide. Would that be worth it, that 15 minute conversation with Tony? Hardly.

That's not to say, that if things hadn't turned out the way they did, that if they hadn't disrespected me so much while a relative was dying, that I wouldn't have been over there last weekend. I most likely would have been attending father's day. However, what did happen, what they did, did in fact happen. It was the proverbial last straw.

Now the trick is to get over the anger. I don't know if the word forgiveness is appropriate here. I don't know that I will ever forgive being treated like some heroine addict instead of the kind loving (non addict) person that I am. I don't know that I can forgive the lack of caring or love that was in my life primarily from my parents, who had no reason not to be loving and caring of me.

My last name means stubborn or hard-headed, so have no doubt I WILL prevail and enjoy my life. I do now, I just get overly blue sometimes. No doubt from my depression illness as well that I battle with quite a bit. And it's the hurt feelings when you know family that should be happy for you (I am excluding Tony and Big Fats here) don't even bother to stop by and say hi. I didn't do anything, but in my family to say "no" to mistreatment from your parents is a big no no. I knew what I was doing when I did it. Not that I even see these people once a year.

Oh,well, enough with the pity part, got other things to do.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Rain, rain go away

Well, it's been rainy and it's going to be rainy all this week. Rainy, damp, foggy and blech. Not surprising I feel a bit blech about the weather.

Trying to fight the urge to curl back up in bed with my favorite puppy right now, and instead get some stuff done.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Less and Less bad news to report

Well, only bad news is life little things at the moment. Well, maybe not so little, like Rob's dad in rehabilitation right now for his hip. He's being a bit cranky at the help, and his family is talking to him trying to get him from being kicked out. I understand he may be difficult, but Jeez they should be used to these things. I don't trust so much these places that are supposed to be paid to take care of people who are aging and with mental disorders. They seem to complain about what I think must be on the lower end of the scale of patients that can be difficult.

I remember with Ben Gold, they were always trying to find a reason he could not stay in his assisted living. I mean, come on, this was not an inexpensive place here. There should be some things that they can deal with every now and again, and not be a flat out warehouse nursing home. Again, especially for what that place charged.

There's the worry of Rob's aging....parent. And then the worry of the corporate world that Rob lives in, while I try to build my business to where it just might be a going concern some day. I need to get on my marketing/sales ass more in that regard.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Phone Call to Aunt R

This father's day, my cousin Richard dropped over. We weren't here, but he comes over often, and left his cell phone at his home inNH, so he came in to 1) drop us a note and 2) drop off a Chrismas gift from my Aunt R.

I should say now, that the ice hasn't been broken since they must either have been told or figured out that I am not on the never ending vacation. My Aunt R is not my grandmother, but there are certain similarities there that were giving me pause. If I had her e-mail, I would have taken the coward's way out and simply e-mailed a thank you for the present.

Snail mail didn't seem appropriate, especially since I know I will never get to it. I am bad like that. Phone and e-mail are my best options. So as we are now at Thursday from Sunday, and the container was greeting me every morning in my kitchen, I decided now was the time to see how everything stood and if the ice could be broken.

I expected a dressing down from my Aunt R similar to one that I could expect from my grandmother if she was still here on earth (I've been expecting her in my dreams, but she hasn't come around yet to waggle her finger at me). Instead Aunt R sounded as scared and happy to hear from me, as I was to talk to her. No mention was made of T or BF. It was good that she knew not to cross that boundary right now, maybe later, maybe not. We have never been real close, but I like having my aunt still in my life at least.

This conversation could have gotten so ugly, instead it was a happy relief.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Other Blog Fishing A dad is pissed at his daughter

Ah, just this one for now. It's pretty descriptive of this guys angst at his daughter's non-communication during college. It reminds me of me and my dad, only I wasn't doing so well in college, and needed to escape from his selfishness and post-divorce games.

oops did find at least one other: Heartwarming entry about a reconciliation in the family. On the materialistic narristic mother On repairing a relationship with a good friend Mother's Day Sucks Post

Parental Alienation Syndrome Excuse

One of my parents uses Parental Alienation Syndrome to explain our estrangement. First of all, dad never talked to me about my mother at my request after a couple admittably disturbing incidents where I found out my mother had an affair during the marriage, and that she got remarried. Neither of these things did she bother to tell me about. That is what bothered me. She just let me find out by surprise by a man she knew to be verbally and emotionally abusive as it was.

Okay, that's not Parental Alienation Syndrome. Second of all, during my late teens and early twenties, I hated my dad. I sympathized more with her (even knowing this at that point) then I ever would with him.

She says I am denying that the disruption of the divorce in my life changed things. Uh, no, but I do look at it slightly differently. It was the absolute disinterest in my during crucial points in my life, where I needed caring and supportive parents that shaped how I feel about them and who I am. It is the discovery since, that parents do not have to act like selfish manipulative beasts, before, during, or after a divorce. That it is perfectly possible to be a flawed but caring and loving parent that shaped this.

Not Parental Aleination Syndrome. For someone who puts umpteen thousand links on her blog about this, you would think she would be able to see the glaring differences.

How do you erase?

Waking the last three mornings has made it clear that I am suffering from allergies or a cold. (Course then the thoughts start creeping in cancer? lyme disease? cardiac deterioration? clogged arteries) Most likely though, just that time of year again where it is time to suffer through. Haven't been doing such a good job of that.

Ironically, have been taking both headache and allergy meds, and have felt worse both days after taking them. I used to not because I hate being beholden to medicine. Seems I should have the majical power to heal myself. Majical, magical? Oh well, here we go. Soon do a spell check only to ignore which of those is wrong. I am betting on the "g" one as being right.

Unfortunately, with feeling physical sick, comes the other sick. Or it could be the other way around. Which comes first the chicken or the egg? Course I am banking on the allergies and soreness of joints bringing on the other. The other is a manifestation of feeling ugly inside and quite noticeably irritable on the outside. Tres little patience at the moment for just about any kind of dumb questions.

Course then there is the anger that comes to the forefront. Shouldn't you just be able to get rid of this? God knows, I don't want it. Why can't I just erase that from my psyche? I mean who cares? Game set match already? I have written, thought, griped, confronted, used swear words, et et et. Still that anger still seethes below especially when an "episode" is coming on.

And it shouldn't. I have sad and not very nice people for parents. They are going to march their time, and be their unhappy sad selves for the rest of their lives. Totally self involved with themselves and unable to have relationships with anyone who is not as involved into themselves as they are. I should be happy that they are now going to do that without my involvement or bearing witness to it. Is it the disease or me (the inner me) that still feels this way?

Guess I will have to wait for a better day to figure that out?

Blogger is Driving Me Batty

I don't know what the blogger gremlins are doing, but they are very closely related to the Yahoo gremlins. See this is what happens when you get free stuff, especially free cyber space, you get the gremlins trying to sneak in, redirect your computer, or steal your personal info. The end result is always the same, your computer crashes and you inadvertently loose stuff you won't miss right away, but you will be looking for later me on this.

Any way, this might cause me to have to move my space. But to where? I can't put it with the rest of my blogs, someone might make the connection. Like my parents, at least one of which is always hunting me down through cyper space.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Father's Days Adventures without Dad

On Saturday, Robert had his employees over for an event at our house. So most of the day was spent, cleaning, cooking, making converstaion, transporting people from shopping to the house, and topping the main part of the day with a walk to the ocean. It's shorter to go down Beacon Street where Tony and Big Fats can be seen during the day.....normally early day. And normally only after they drive them selves all .5 miles down to the beach.

So there we are having a good time at 7:00 in the evening. I met a nice man named Steve also from Worcester and his dog. From the corner of my eye, I see two people coming down the stairs. It's Tony and Big Fats. Luckily I am finishing up my conversation, so I can turn around and signal Robert that it's the assho----lovely couple themselves.

The cowards were sure to face their chairs with their backs towards us. Needless to say, there was no wish on my part to go over and hug them or anything. In fact, the next day would be the first that we were not in any way shape or form required to be at their house waiting for the cake to be brought out at some point, so we could go, and hit the holiday traffic trying to make it's way back home to Mass. Nope, not only did we live here now, but I am now not required to be chained to their little "festivity" for the rest of the day. I am not required to pick out the perfect gift for someone who admits he was seldom there for me, and was a horrid father. I am not required to search for a card that falls between sappy and "dad you really sucked moose nuts".

So what did we do on Father's Day? Well, it started out with a dog walk with all three dogs. Always a bit nerve racking unless I am having the boys do some sort of obedience, because they go in three different directions. Jazz wants to be petted by the folks, Jack wants to check out the new dogs, and Leon likes to hang around the old friends and investigate the water. Meanwhile, it was high tide so it's not like there is a large square area. We did well though, and got a bunch of obedience exercises in before the day went into "high drive" LOL.

So I got home at about 8:15am or so, and sleepy head was just waking up. I was going to go to the beach without him, but he sufficiently revived himself to come along. Got the best parking spot right near the bath house. Great for advertising, meter out of order, excellent visibility. Plus, all set up for ease of getting our stuff home later on. We had the boogy boards, books, suntan lotion, music, beach mat, beach chairs, and a nap sack with snacks and sodas. Oh, yeah we were living.

Robert walked home to shower, and I took a two mile walk along the length until he came back. Then relaxed in my new Tommy Hilfinger bikini, and got my first tan on my tummy in a while. Reading a book called "Mary Mary". Chapters are a little short and choppy, plus too much heat to fully concentrate. Don't get me wrong, good book, Patterson.

Robert came back, and we took a walk on the beach together this time. Almost made the full length of both sides, but Robert peetered out half way through the second side.

Then it was boogey boarding time. All this before 10:30 am mind you. We stayed out there for more than a half hour. I got more than four good waves, think it was something like eight. Bikini top burst open, and I missed one as we both scrambled to get the thing secured, but I caught the next one seconds later. Robert will say he got three (but he got like one---shhhh don't let him know that I let on).

Then went to sleep at home until like 4pm. I was up before five thirty that morning and quite active, so I got wiped out. Then we drove into Freeport to get life vests for our upcoming Kayaking class. Had a good dinner of Lobster Scampi (Robert got chicken parm as usual). Robert didn't like the restaurant but I did.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Father's Day-New Suck Day

Not because it's father's day mind you. I am actually going to really enjoy the very first holiday that I don't have to be counted on as simply transportation for someone BA wants to attend the event, but could Fing care less about transporting them herself. It always started with "I know your dog is dying, but your dad will be so that you've agreed can you transport my father to the event" (cause that's all we really cared about in the first place).

So now that's all over, and it's just another long weekend that clients don't want to train their dogs, and corporate clients give my husband the day off because they want to do the long father's day weekend. So although almost noone I know does any special "fathers day" thing, we all end up getting a guaranteed long weekend. For other folks, this weekend always seems to include their dogs, so no boarders. Not that my job is such a hard job, it's just nice to get a break every now and again LOL.

However, this weekend has not started off well. First two friends of ours baby came six weeks early. That was not the bad part. Some specialist came to examine the baby, and said preliminarily that their child probably has downs sydrome. I am still out on what the "specialist" has said having been on the receiving end of too many "expert" opinions. Okay, Mrs. Grace did eventually die, but not of anything she was first off diagnosed with. Course I guess that means diddly when the end result is all the same. Any way, not that having a kid with downs syndrome is necessarily the end of the world, it's more the physical problems that come with any future mental disibality that are so frightening. And becoming so attached to someone so dependant on you, that will most likely die young due to complications. Any way, that was the unfortunate hand our friends have been dealt with. Really threw Robert for a loop. I am concerned but optomistic all around. I am first off hoping this "expert" was not a reliable expert. Then I am hoping that this kid although having a mental disability, may not be adversley affected by those more frightening physical impairments. This kid is going to be loved one way or another, of that, I have no doubt. No matter what, he is going to be the joy of their life. It's just a shame for Emily so young, and her first child to be dealt such an awesome responsiblity.

So as if that wasn't enough bad news for the day, Mr. Grace's hip went out. Poor Mr Grace. He just called me today, and I meant to call him back. Then Diane called, and it looks like he needs to go into surgery for it. Ugggghhhhhh.

To just bring things full circle, this weekend is a function weekend at our house for Robert's employees. Have a feeling I will be fielding most of that as the bad news continues with Mr Grace. I am pretty sure Robert is not going to feel in the entertaining mood tomorrow, and yet that's when he picked for this......soooooo. Sucky.

On a lesser and an "I don't care" note, my cousin Rich called today to say he was attending my dad's father's day celebration (the nerve) and could my cousin stop over. Course I am happy to have anyone over, just kind of floored that this is going on, since when my dog was dying my dad just couldn't live without me going, and now I am not talking to him.......well apparently he is able to honor himself at his own father's day party.

Good for him----fucking scumbag LOL. That's dad for ya. He's the best. Want him?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

On Estrangement/Divorce the cause?

My parents spend an awful lot of time blaming the divorce or each other for my estrangement of them. I really wish that they had/would listen to me. This never gets through to them. It's because of them. Because they are both selfish, self centered people. And in my dad's case, a selfish self centered person who can only seem to have relationships with other selfish self centered people, who he then allows to be abusive towards me.

That's not the divorce. Because they were selfish and self centered during the divorce in only being interested in themselves, does not make the divorce (a signed peace of paper/the end of their relationship) to be the route cause of the estrangement. In my mother's writings on the internet, and my dad's own responses to me, they just don't get it. And in not getting it, it shows they just can't listen or accept.

To do that, might be to consider that things that were done to me were not so nice. That's not the divorce, that is their choice. And then they will say "well if you just can't accept me the way I am". I expect people to accept me the way I am, yet I am supporting, loving, and accomodating to those people. So I can accomodate people that I love by being there for them. My parents can not do that. To do that would be to be unselfish. To have a relationship that is about us not just them.

Sigh, it's not the divorce.....she says half heartedly to the wind, which is the same as speaking to her parents. Frustrating.


Wow, I just blew yesterday completely off. I wasn't in the mood, and I was feeling tired and worn out. You can't be feeling healthy every day, but I was convinced that it was because I recently went off Lexpro. Instead I think it was the exercising I have been doing, and the decreased calories, and the allergy season. Also, took lame allergy medicine yesterday, and I think that sealed my fate for the day.

Did go to bed at like 8PM yesterday, and woke up feeling refreshed and myself again. Husband was thoughtful, and purchased some good allergy medicine. Go figure, no sneezing, itchy eyes, headache or the feeling that I am about to go to sleep on my feet.

Also, wasn't going to eat dinner last night, but caved in due to the feeling. Go figure, I actually did perk up and felt better. Was still tired though so figured I would sleep for the night.

Going to see my doctor soon, and managing and medicine are going to be key topics. I know you can control a lot of what I have with proper exercise and diet. God knows the stress in my life has been managed to a great degree by leaving the corporate world, and estrangement from people that give me nothing but grief.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Another Absolutely Fabulous Day

God, it's beautiful out. Shit, this is my shitty blog. Okay, something to just get through a day to blog. I am obese....according to the weight chart. Actually my body has always been good at tucking stuff places, so I don't look as big as I could. However, I will be happy when I reach "fat" or "overweight" which I am not too far away from actually. Oh shit, that's good news.

As is the fact that my recent strategy of exercise every time you eat and watch tv, the pounds are actually starting to drop off daily. My Fing lord, that's more good news.

Well, that's the best that I can do on this glorious sunny day that the weatherman said would be damp and dismal.

Wait, wait, recently found two boxes downstairs that were affected by the small amount of water we got, while everyone else's basement got two feet of water. One had my favorite small clothes, and there may be three pieces of clothing that are ruined.

All my favorite hardcovers were in the next. I am probably loosing at least seven of these. Oh good, I found something negative to say today. Now I can go on to the rest of my blogs that are more in tune with a day like today:)

Monday, June 12, 2006

Entitled "Gift to Daughter"

I would call this my gift to my mother or father. Since I found it on Ginny's website, I don't know but I suspect that she is aiming it at me LOL. Seems more so meant for her as she has been swept along helpless by her life's bad decisions or mistakes.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

I Like to Write Every Day in my Blogs But....

Writing in this blog every day, usually means writing something negative, which usually infiltrates my day with negative thoughts. It's why I keep this blog seperate from my other musings (plus don't want anyone to really know who I am LOL) which are more me. This blog is used more when I am feeling angry, hurt, outraged, betrayed.

I am not today, and so won't go there. Bi polar blogs aren't so negative for me (or cyclo whatever), as I had mentioned on diseases to inherit, this one is not so bad insofar as it stands now. And so with the sun shining, and the outside beckoning to me and the dogs, and new clothes stores to be found in the area, I will say a short Hey There, for all others suffering with this, and then take off on my bike to today's adventures.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Blog Fishing Receiving Birthday Gift from Estranged Party Years Later The Angst of Family Betrayals The Buschs Estranged? Bitter Relationship Between Mother and Daughter Oh, the fun of visiting with family that is not welcoming Reunited After 7 Years? The other woman, an estranged family, and now the ex-husband is terminally ill and she wants out. Yipes.,0,3537864.column The above with a reply to the "lady". But found this on a great blog called blondsense. I am not into Christianity at all but is a pretty funny site. She labeled her link to the reply "Dear Psycho Bitch, Boo Efing Hoo" LMAO Unfortunate Rememberances

That's It For Me

I am assuming that Ginny might be done now as far as her writing about me. I am done visiting her blog. I must admit, although I have not admitted it, I have gone there hoping to see something of a person that I would want to know, or that I remember from when I was 5.

I have the fear, of course that I will morph into my mother. But here are some differences:

1) Didn't marry because I had too
2) Didn't marry someone I didn't know (Rob & I lived together for 5 years before marrying)
3) Didn't marry someone I didn't love
4) Didn't have an affair during my marriage
5) Didn't have kids, and didn't subsequently make them privy to details about our sex lives as they were growing up
6) Don't have blow up fights with my husband every three days in front of our non-existent kids or dogs
7) Appreciate people for who they are, not whether their interests are the same as mine
8) Material things do not =healthy relationship to me
9) Money isn't more important to me than the people in my life that care about and support me
10) My husband never "makes" me do anything, and I never don't do something because of my husband. I married someone who has the same values as me, and therefore values and respects me as I do him.
11) I have never been a victim of my circumstances with them sweeping me along in their path.
12) I have never doubted for a moment the ability to take care of myself
13) While I enjoy others company, I don't need them to provide entertainment or enjoyment of life for me. I provide that for myself as well.
14) I don't have an entitlement attitude towards anyone.
15) I acknowledge, apologize, and take responsibility for mistakes that I have made in my life.

Reply to Mom's Four Part Series

It's so ironic to me that you complain about my "correcting" you when you talked about me for 4 years, including lies about my feelings for my grandfathers & step brothers death, and a known lie about why I ceased talking to my grandmother. You hunted down my realitives (I never got Jimmy on the phone) and "interviewed" them. And my husband was just being polite if he said he didn't know why I wasn't talking to you, and he was feeling harranged when he told you I felt you were mentally ill. He probably just wanted you off the damn phone.

Nice and reasonable does not work with you. Apparently you get the message much more, and put a little more thought into it when nasty comes in. I hate being nasty to people, but as I have learned in the corporate world, when nasty works it's nasty that they gets.

Won't it be refreshing if you actually stop writing about me and my father now. I mean what more possibly could you have to say? You've had a good four year run, is it out of your system yet.

As for being judgemental, yeah, I never received an apology or validation for anything you did to hurt me. Not one, "I see how me not telling you that I was married could have been upsetting, especially when I wrote to your father about it and let you know that way, by being abused by him in my stead". Nope. It's not that I was upset that you were imperfect, but you wanted the fucking perfect daughter in me, and the perfect relationship only as per how you wanted it? I don't think so.

You couldn't muster up a "how's your husband doing" while I was mentioning what room number he was in and what hospital to you, but you did want the perfect birthday gift. And that's how you wanted to measure our relationship? You even mentioned the CD player you got me as a measure I should use for your birthday gift. Then you whine about how little money you had at the same age I was, then you say it must be because I am overvaluing my talents as an have really twisted logic and a twisted version of what a realtionship should be.

Then while you say you have a copy of an apology, you can't muster up what could possibly have been in it, other than you didn't know how to communicate at the time. Not only were you an imperfect mother, which I could live with, but you couldn't even apologize for abandoning me in a parking lot when I was young, vulnerable, didn't know how to drive, didn't have a cell phone or money to call for help, and then scream at me for giving you a message when you got back that I had no idea as a young girl was an issue.

To say that parents should be getting along during a divorce, when it was you that was trying to get me in the middle to sue my dad, and break into his house to get your things. Is that part of keeping your daughter out of the middle?

Or that your daughter wasn't your confidant during the time you were having an affair, so you never needed to give her a heads up while leaving her with her father? Yet there was another personal errand you could bring her on, not to mention encouraging her to read Hite reports so her sex life wouldn't be as bad as yours while she was still in Junior High, never mind High School?

I think you were a bit more than imperfect, like completely self absorbed and self interested. You didn't even know me, you even needed to make up a list of things you thought were me based on interests you last knew in High School. It might occur to you that since I was younger, of course my interests would be things that younger adults would know.

As far as being an incomplete picture during my childhood, in reading your posts it's still the same picture. One that I didn't need to be involved in. And there was no need to be eaves dropping through the heating vent, as you guys were screaming at each other while I was watching tv in the room. Didn't seem to be a whole lot of concentration on good parenting from either of you during this time, beyond my basic needs? I think the lack of understanding on who I was just shows where your concentration was the whole time........on you.

The only illumination you gave me, was that you sought therapy and actually thought about it before intitating an affair during your marriage. So it was premediated while you had other responsibilities. And you feel no remorse for that. It is entirely everyone else's fault that you didn't get a divorce first during this period of thinking about this. And perfectly understandable why a friendship would be possible with a husband that you did this for two years!!! Okay.......apparently you don't have a whole lot of understanding of human emotions or empathy towards anyone other than yourself. And I say this thinking dad isn't any great shakes either.

I hope you can do me the kindness of now putting this at an end. I sincerely hope you didn't write this as a way to get through to me for the goals you are looking for, which is justification that you can be so selfish by not validating how others in this scenario might have felt or suffered. It was all just about you and your journey. Well, if that is they way you felt living your life, and continue to live your life that way, feel free. But to think everyone else is going to say, "hell yeah let's go for a trip to Sweden and you just feel free to abandon me like you did before, and we just to things you like doing. And let me now obsess about getting you the perfect present especially when all you did was complain about presents that I attempted to get you based on what I thought you might like and my finacial situation". Um, the answer is just continue staying out of my life lady. I am sorry that might hurt you. I am sorry that I am unable to love someone as self absorbed and selfish as you. I mean that sincerly, I have no pride in not wanting a relationship with my mother. But I am imperfect, and that is my selfish choice. My life has been better without you in it for all this time, and will continue to. I hope you can find some joy in the fact that I enjoy my life, I did not go into a marriage without love, I have chosen not to have children so that they will not suffer from inattention although I probably would not have been as inattentive as either you or dad, and I have made the selfish choices in my life that have made it better. On the other hand, the loving relationships that I have where the love, validation, and support are returned, I am unselfish in what I give them, because what I get back in non-material things is so much, and so rewarding and what I have been missing in my own biological parent relationships.

Have a good life. And if you can keep from writing about me, you will be able to keep from hearing from me. But perhaps that is exactly what you are trying to avoid, and so perhaps I have allowed msyelf to be sucked into your vapid void all over again.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Ah, the Final Solique-Mom's 4 of 4

Well here it is. Kind of anti climatic, wonder why she bothered? To whom is she writing too?

Any way, as far as therapy, that's not going to make her a person that does not demand the perfect present and relationship in repayment for the imperfect part of her.....soooooooo....not going to happen. I was fine in having an imperfect relationship with my imperfect mother.

10 years ago......when she could not honor her own six month vacation.

So now, perhaps she is done with writing about me. Wouldn't that be refreshing.

Let's see, she starts off by saying things she has done to prove she loved me, let's take stock shall we:

1) Calling up my husband and relatives to "interview" them
2) Sending me an e-mail "apology sincerely offered" in subject button then admitting on her blog it was only a ruse to get me to read that she would be in Worcester
3) Writing on an online board that I had no feelings about the death of my grandfather or Josh, which was just a lie, and timed interestingly after (in fact stated in the next sentences after she mentioned this) she found out I thought she was a sick woman.
4) Defacing my wedding picture on her blog, and then trying to justify it, and not taking it off
5) Walking around and peering into my house without permission
6) Saying she would take six months off from harrassing me, then unable to follow her own suggestion
7) I agree to her coming down, where she agrees that we will do things I enjoy for a change. Thereafter, she sends me a letter outlining things she will not do (all things I enjoy of course) and a menu plan for Robert to follow because she "doesn't eat that kind of food".

This seems to be a Good Place to Keep My BiPolar Log

Who I am is a deep dark secret. Not that any of you care LOL. There are about two people in the world searching, and have in the past found this blog.

Well that's not true, clients last time had stumbled upon this blog with the user name being the same as my client blogs and all. I am sure they wanted to just find the other clients blogs to see how they were doing:) That's when I disassociated this blog from those blogs. Yikes. Plus the two people I was intentionally trying to screen out finding it. Now it's renamed, and hopefully they have forgotten my user name, or it seems so.

I see that many foreign people come here, and, um, medical places. Hope I am not in any kind of involuntary research or something. At least they can't give me trial drugs over the power lines LOL.

Why people from Japan and Turkey though? Well, I am sure they have family estrangement over there, what country or group of people doesn't, right? I am sure they also have to fight illnesses.

In so far as illnesses go, I will take the mental illness I have rather than say asthma which my husband has. Or diabetes or arthritis or legal blindness or or or. At least the one I have whether it's bipolar or cyclo (whatever that last part was LOL) is pretty acute. It does disable me, but unlike with asthma, I know I am totally safe when I am suffering from it, and that I can get out of bed physically. I mean it's not as easy as just making yourself getting out of bed. I think the lady on the spangelmonkey blog said it best, that her breakthrough was realizing the feelings she was having and her change in behavior, was due to the belief that she would never feel any other way than she did at that moment.

Bibpolar or cyclo (whatever) can have periods when you are in a downswing for years, months, or weeks. That is a looooonnnnngggg time to feel like that, trust me. It's like someone died close to you, or having the feelings you would if that happened, but knowing that didn't actually happen, so what the F are you feeling that way for!!!!! You feel worthless, like a looser, you self medicate by eating or drinking or whatever it is (normally bad never like exercising and eating real healthy) that temporarily takes that away. As you can imagine, for some people who have this condition, it gets quite desperate. They just want everything to stop. Luckily I have never felt like that, I wanted to find a way to turn around the feeling, and knew it would stop. But never ever have I had thoughts of suicide. That may change as I get older, because what I have learned is your chemistry is changing all the time.

Today for example, I feel completely myself. I wish I could take all sorts of chemical, blood, and urine tests right this moment, and target that blood or hormone chemistry that is me feeling like me. And then that could just be regulated similar to the way you would regulate diabetes.

Yesterday and the day before, felt a bit manic or depressed, I couldn't decide LOL. I would imagine not manic as I got nothing done, and I can usually take advantage of those episodes for that. On the other hand, I was able to rate 1314 movies on netflix on those two days. Oh, I guess I was a bit manic LOL.

Part 4 of 4 on it's Way?

Seems mom is taking a bit of time with part 4 of 4. The Estrangement. Could be part of a horror movie series!! Wonder if it will even make it on there. See dad there checking it out to to see what other horrors she has had to write about him.

Now my turn, how will this fictional account go? Something like I just wanted better birthday presents, I don't understand how my daughter was angry with me. Her husband was just in the hospital, how could she not want to argue endlessly with me on how I was not going to get the perfect birthday gift for me. That I was already ungrateful with any gifts I got, and this wasn't going to become the further wheel of torture for her.

I had bad taste I guess back then, because I went to find gifts that I thought she would enjoy. She actually mentioned gifts that she had given me like a CD player radio et et, as to the quality and dollar value she would enjoy getting. We were in a different place than her age wise and financially, although we would probably spend 100+ on her, we were in no position to be paying 300+ on her, especially when all she ever did was call and complain about her gifts before this ever happened.

Considering she was not up for a Marginally Good Mother award in my eyes, I mean she was a marginally good mother, but not the best marginally good mother (in that she fed, clothed, and sheltered me before the age of 18), she was lucky she didn't just get a card quite frankly. Actually, she was lucky she got a card, and one that did say "Mom, You Suck Happy Birthday". Those haven't caught on at Hallmark yet.

Personally, I think they would make a killing with cards of that type LOL.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Mom's Solique Part 3 of 4

Not really all that worth reading. Justifications for knowing doing something thought out that was wrong, because everyone else's life is like a soap opera. I bet the big difference between her and those other people, they were probably expressing their remorse when they told their story.

I don't really care that she had an affair, what buts me is the lack of remorse, especially with the insistance that she wants to be friends with Tony. What? I mean could she see that perhaps he doesn't want to be friends with her being that she was fucking another while married to him for another two years. Pretty twisted, being that she went to therapy to come up with that solution. No responsibility to end the marriage as tidly as possible for her family's sake. And she specifically sites for a physical relationship, not an emotional one.

You know parents don't have to be friends after a divorce, they just need to be able to communicate civilly on occaision, and put on a good face at family gatherings. And I guess part of my mother's bid to have a harmoneous relationship, including trying to get me to break into my father's house and steal stuff for her. Or maybe it was when she tried to get me to sue my dad for tuition that he didn't end up paying. If she wanted such a harmoneous relationship between us all, why was she playing these little divorce pawn games? Yeah, I am getting her a trophy right now for mother of the century.

It's just gross all of it. I really hope she is not writing to me, because I empathize less and less the more she goes on and on.

And I have no idea where those books are that she is talking about, I liked them too, as they were part of my child hood. I am sure she must know some rare book dealers that could help her find either one. I know I have been searching for the fairy tale one myself. Instead of whining and wringing her hands and being irresponsible, why doesn't she just buck up (or didn't) and take action and do the right thing?

Or perhaps express some remorse when admitting to these that are horrible things to other people, especially your family that includes your daughter. I mean if I was so loved and adored, certaintly I wouldn't get the response "shit happens" when I ask why she didn't bother to tell me she got married when it happened.

The she lies about it. I am sure she would remember the thorough thought and effort that would have gone into it (if she wasn't so self absorbed, selfish, and self centered to not even thing of it) to tell her own daughter she's getting or gotten married.

On a humorous note, dad must just be thrilled to see his sexual life posted up there for all to see.

On Bi Polar

Okay, let me just clarify, my bi polar disease is not a part of the estrangements in my life. The fact that these three people are not really nice people, at least to have in the parenting role, is.

Course I did find out recently that it is very possibly not bi polar, but cyclothymia. Apparently I don't get the crazies or suicidal tendancies that someone with bi polar would. LOL to use the clinical term. link on cyclothymia link on bi polar disorder

It only matters which one I have, in my opinion, to monitor the medicine that I am on. I have been recently looking into this, as one Doctor changed my perscription to Lexapro because it was thought to be better acting than Celexa (although I was doing just great on Celexa). Any way, recently Lexapro has been just zonking me out instead of evening out my mood. Could be other things to, I have graves disease and possible diabetes that could be inherited.

So just doing a bit of research before I go see my new Doctor.

As I may have posted previously in my blog, I knew from an early age that I would be prone to a disorder like this, as nearly everyone on one side of my family has this. Whether they all knew they had it or not , well that is a whole nother story. I knew something was up.

I didn't realize it at 13, but I think it started then. They say all teenagers are moody, but I was depressed, course I had a lot to be depressed about in Junior High. Not many friends, gangly, problems with the parental units at home. So I never thought anything of it until I look back now. Something was definately wrong. I think most of my High School it must have gone into remission though.

Then the beginning of college, I am quite sure that I had many manic episodes resulting in insomnia. Manic doesn't mean the crazies. To me it means, you can be up all day, and night working on various projects and getting them done. Sounds fun and productive, right? Thing is you aren't taken care of yourself, and there is an inevitable crash coming. If this is followed by a depressive episode, it is devestating.

Unless I tell people, most people that know me are not even aware that I have it. My husband can't tell most times---sometimes the depressive because that's when it's very hard to get up and out.

The disease that I have is turned inwards, and not so visible to others on the outside of me.

Got A Headache from Downloading the Archives

Oh, gosh, got a headache from downloading more than 50 past posts that had been deleted with the previous blog before.

Not fun stuff. So hopefully we are on to another topic of interest for now.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Following the Thank Post is the Unavoidable---- Things I am NOT Thankful for post

Things I do not thank my parents for: (just need to get this out, perhaps print it out, burn it and send it to the wind one day---for now it's for cyber space bound)

  1. No thank you to Mom & Dad-For staying in the house during blow out arguments (which weren't every six months as recently posted by my mom, maybe she was trying to be funny) but every third day or so. There are ways to have arguments not in front of the kids you know, and while sometimes I had to hear better by putting my ear to the vent, it really wasn't all that necessary as I heard you guys screaming quite clearly. It was probably better that I wasn't wondering what every word was about, rather than wondering about what the constant screaming was about.
  2. No thank you to Mom-For explaining sex to me at five, while letting me know I was an accident and she didn't want that to happen to me. Far to young not to scar a kid.
  3. No thank you to Dad-for screaming at me every time I had an idividual abstract thought not necessarily based in fact (like opinions about democracy or whatever) when they didn't allign with his.
  4. No thank you to Dad-by smashing a specially made chair on the floor next to me during an argument. You can't imagine how threatening of physical abuse this is to a girl.
  5. No thank you to Dad-for dragging me to a therapist to agree with your view that my problem with you was the divorce. As I have explained repeatedly it was the marriage, just to get out of the meeting I did a lot of crying and skirting the issue. The truth is though, if you had cared to just ask me what my problem was with you, instead of berating me into an idea, I had a list ready to go.
  6. No thank you to Dad-for screaming at me when I missed the bus once so much, that once I got into school the guidance couselor pulled me into the office sure I had been physically abused because of the condition of my eyes. Just one of many of these kind of instances.
  7. No thank you to Dad---Recently we lost our dog Neptune, and the night before he died, Robert's car died on the road, and my battery unfortunately went. I called you for help, you declined. I never ask you for favors for many years. It took a very painful few minutes before I even could make myself call you. My dog might have lost his life because I wouldn't plead for your help. He might have lived otherwise. Not your fault that he died, but just another instance where I can't count on the smallest amount of caring, concern or help. Just to have you give me a ride to a rental car place would have been a help.
  8. No thank you to Dad-For pleading your wife's case to me 18 years ago, and insisting I renew a relationship with someone who never apologized for waking me up in the middle of the night and smacking me in the face over dishes that you had offered to do for me when I came home dead tired from work that night, but hadn't nor informed your wife as such. Which is neither here nor there, as there should never have been any excuses made not only for her physical abuse but her mental and emotional abuse as well.
  9. No thank you to Dad-For not supporting us while Robert's mom was dying in the hospital by not being neutral when I insisted your wife was not selling our house. Instead you opened up this whole can of worms. While that has been an actual improvement in my life, not a loving thing to do as a father or as a father in law.
  10. No thank you to Mom and Dad-For not protecting me from my grandparents on my mother's side calls. Mom says she is shocked and "she didn't know". The fact is I did talk to her when grandmother would call saying she was committing suicide (or grandfather). And I used to let you guys know that messages (no volume turned off by the way) were left on the voice mail by them. So both of you had to know that I was being subjected to this.

    11-20. No thank you to Mom---I should just send everyone to most recent posts. I just don't want to reiterate everything here.

    21-30. No Thank you to Dad--when I was on my way to Betty Ann's after I had just learned to drive, and a snow storm suddenly hit. I had turned up a hill near you guys, but was lost. Nice older ladies took me into their apartment. When I called you for help, you just screamed at me. I called Robert to help, and he came and got me. He also helped me move the car out the next day. Why was it so hard on a rare occaision to be concerned and loving towards me. There are thousands of these things, and it always made me feel so unloved. In fact, I really don't believe you love me, you just love what you don't have anymore.

Who is My Mother Writing the Solique to?

I am very confused about this story that my mom's writing. Grant you I recognize the story, but who is she writing it to? She can't be writing it to me, can she?

I mean, I knew she married at 19, that they didn't love each other, that they had sexual problems the clarification of the extent does not change it, and that she had an affair. I mean she went to a therapist after her friend died, had the affair, then told dad. Why not just get the divorce? I mean is that too obvious a question. Don't have an affair, get a divorce.

I feel kind of like I am being an ass here, but to feel no remorse for doing that, to feel like what you did was a completely justified act. I mean if she said, it was a poor decision on my part, I would feel for her. But to be wringing her hands at that point, AFTER SEEKING HELP AND THINKING ABOUT IT. That doesn't make it a loveable act for me, not that I should be the one judging her.

But for her to think Tony (aka my biological father--well actually unfortunately my only father) would want to be friends after? Only she gets to be niave as the crisis developed. Doesn't sound like dad had the benifit of therapy before being told his wife just cheated on him. I hate even having to be put in a position to empathize with him, because I just know he must have sucked to be married to. Take my word for it, in picking my husband I wasn't looking for my father in disguise. I do feel bad for him, but he's not a nice person, he's more pathetic than anything.

Mother Recent Solique Part 2 of 4

She takes a more reasonable tone here, and doesn't try to justify as much, which is refreshing.

I do have to corrections to make. 1) The arguments and blow outs weren't every six months LOL. They were like every third day. 2) As for the combined wanting to be good parents. They hardly knew I was there most of the time. I didn't see any kind of specific trying to be a good parent other than feeding, clothing and sheltering me. I'm not saying they did a horrible job, but if they were really concentrating on the art of parenting, um why were the blow out arguments right in the house with me. I am pretty sure I could have been kept out of being a witness to most arguments.

On me eavesdropping as a child, first of all you hardly had to eaves drop as the yells filled the air in a very small house. My bedroom was upstairs, and the tv room is where the vent was. All you had to do to "eavesdrop" would be minding your own business and watching tv as you parents screamed at each other directly below you. So now I am thinking they really weren't all that bright. The other thing she talks about are my perceptions as a child, and I can assure you that reading her blog they are the same perceptions that I have now. Gross. Like I need to hear this. Who cares.

Why if there was such attention to detail, did my mother never even realize that I enjoyed different music than she did MY WHOLE LIFE. I enjoy classical too, but not the same classical music she enjoys. She never knew a thing about me other than I enjoyed romance novels, which she noticed as she was not interested in them, and that I liked to play instruments. Oh, and that I wasn't doing well in school. That was pretty much the extent of her knowledge about me.

Then she talks about how she didn't want me to be like her, and the next breath lists out how many things my dad and her didn't have in common. So? Tells me in order to even like someone in her eyes, they need to mirror your exact interests, which her current husband most assuredly does.

To me, if Robert likes sports and I don't, so what? He goes and watches sports. Sometimes I watch with him, sometimes I go watch a horror movie. My husband doesn't like horror movies.

I mean there were scads of reasons why my parents sucked together, and in my opinion the fact that he liked sports and she didn't just wasn't that important. Now the fact that they were so self centered and everything was always about them.....hmmmmm. Hard for them to compete in that kind of environment.

As for their combined love of our pets, I am glad I wasn't one they all died horrible deaths. Mom didn't take a one or ever ask about their well being after she left. I am sure if she took one cat, the destitution would have been of gothic novel proportions. It's hard to imagine that at my age, she was as immature as she is describing.

Nope, three things. She says she didn't tell me of her affair because I wasn't her confidant or advisor, which is fine. Course it would have been just ducky if she had let me know about that before she left me with a father that was sure to take that out on me, oh and surprise me with the news. Nice huh? But my point here, and I need to be real vague as it is a family secret, one that my mom thinks only me and she knows, and while parties she would not like to know about this don't, course my husband does. She included me in an errand once that was highly inappropriate to take ones daughter to. I won't go into it more than that, but to tell me she was having an affair would have been far healthier.

Thank Yous-Not That These are Meant to be Seen by These People

I do have things that I need to recognize my parents for. Here are the good memories.

1. Mom thank you for the neat valentines cake you baked for me with the pink frosting and candies around the edge while I was little.
2. Dad, thank you for realizing I liked Duran Duran when I was a teenager, and securing two tickets for me and my best friend, Carol. It was a great time.
3. Dad, thank you for my 16th birthday at a nice restaurant in Cambridge (or 18th) with my best friend, Carol. I am thinking you and mom must already have been going through your divorce at that point, and so it must have been 18th.
4. Dad, while you didn't pay for almost any of my college as you had promised, I would like to thank you for paying for me to have a place to live during that time. I apologize for not being into my studies as much as I would have liked to.
5. Mom, thanks for baking me chocolate chip cookies well and often.
6. Mom, thank you for hand making my favorite angel food cake with strawberries on my birthdays when I was young.
7. Dad, thank you for eventually being proud of me, when you were not approving of most of my decisions that brought me here before.
8. Mom, thank you for mailing me a 1000.00 check to get out of Dad and Betty Anne's house when you learned of her abuse.
9. Mom, thank you for the loan of 300.00 to me and Robert when we were in trouble, and which I was slow in paying you back for. For that I apologize.
10. Mom, thank you for the graduation present of the radio with the CD player. I still have it and enjoy it.
11. Mom, thank you for the Hall pieces, which my husband has always particularly liked and enjoyed.
12. Dad, thank you for turning me on to horror movies and books when I was younger. I still love them.
13. Dad, thank you for respecting my wish not to talk to you, while you are unable to respect a boundary on my part. I really do appreciate that.
14. Dad & Mom thank you for allowing me to go to Disney world with my grandmother when I was 9. I loved it.
15. Dad & Mom, thank you for brining me to my grandparents many weekends when I was younger, we had a great time, and those memories are cherished forever.
16. Mom, thank you for supporting my love of acting and music when I was younger.
17. Dad, thank you for thinking I could make it in music, even when in the beginning you didn't think so, and I never did make it in music.
18. Mom and Dad, thank you for not aborting me when you found out you were pregnant. I do love my life, and feel I make some small difference in the world, which might not have happened if you didn't bear me.
19. Mom, thank you for making me report two boys who abused me on the bus when I was in Junior High.
20. Mom & Dad, thank you for instilling in me an intolerance for racism or sexism, even if one or both of you don't actually practice those beliefs, as I have discovered in my adulthood.
21. Mom & Dad, thank you for bringing me up with a sense of high self esteem and the courage to be myself.
22. Mom & Dad, thank you for allowing me some avenues of escape during the end of your marriage such as music and eating alone in my room. It made things easier for me.
23. Mom & Dad, thank you for insisting I start college even though I wasn't ready at the time. It did allow me another escape from my home life, which was desperately needed, and away from Worcester MA in specific.
24. Mom, thank you for stopping drinking before I was born and when you knew you were pregnant.
25. Mom & Dad, thank you for feeding me, housing me, and clothing me during the times where I was not as yet grown.
26. Thank you to Dad for buying me a queen sized mattress when I was younger.
27. Thank you to Dad for giving me 1500.00 towards my new house downpayment. I know you always claim it was part of BAs commission, but as this came to me before the closing of the house it was, and I always consider it to be from you. I don't know why it was always a problem for YOU to give me something without making it about BA. But the point is, I thank you for this not BA.
28. Thank you Mom & Dad for giving us seperate wedding gifts that each covered half of our wedding of about 750.00 a piece.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Typical Italian Male Not

Another Post That I Put on A Board that I wanted to be sure to save:

Oddly enough, my grandfather had some not so typical Italian malet raits. He was distant and unemotional at times, but somehow youwere always sure he loved you.I gather from pieces of conversations that now make sense after finding they never got along, the conflict came about because of mygrandfather's adoration of his daughter. I don't think he loved her more than his sons, but I do think he was thrilled to have a little girl.

My grandmother apparently resented the fact that my aunt could wrap her father around her finger when my grandmother was pissed at her, and get out of it. Such a sad thing for a whole relatinship to go down the drain over, but then again I probably don't know the half of it. When they didn't want you to know they were arguing, they startedspeaking Italian, and none of us grandchildren understood it LOL. And even if we had talken conversational Italian, we probably wouldn't have understood their particular dialect, because as I have discovered they are almost another language unto themselves.

My grandfather also definately helped around the house with the less traditional "male" activities such as dishes or whatever work he could help my grandmother out in. There is no doubt they loved each other, but we would always kid that grampa went 10 years ealier because he needed a vacation. Although I love my grandmother, I think I was one of the few that figured out the secret to having a harmonous relationship with her. Tell her what is bothering you!!! She will stop it.

LOL, I did try to pass on this secret later, but somehow noone else figured it out. While she could be totally self absorbed in herself, as a person, she was really quite caring and sensitive, but I think it was well hidden from others. Being the oldest of nine children during the depression, she had a lot on her plate during her young life, and I think she kept up those same responsibilities to her siblings as long as she could. She took my great grandmother in, and took care of her until she died. I remember those as great times as I had my three favorite grand people in one house, whose sole function (it seemed to a five year old) was to dote on and amuse her.

There was a dash of the insane asylum in that family, but I think a larger dash of fun. I can definately see how hard feelings came about in that family though. Like you said, the religious conotations, and the supposed hierachy, and the jealousies. Crazy. Im glad I was too young during most of the time to notice. think a lot of the harshness on their kids came from their epression upbringing where things needed to be worked at very hard to get very little.

I still prefer them to my Swedish/Finish side Yikes!!! I haven'tseen them since I was 11, and I am okay with that. Possible murder,physical abuse, alcholism, suicide, and the list goes on.

Benevalent Matriach----Not

Okay, I had posted this on one of my groups, and wanted to make sure I saved it, as there are some interesting observations here that I will probably want to reflect on further at a future date:

My grandmother played the helpless little girl too. She didn't want
to ever learn how to drive, and didn't until her fifies and it was a
very short stint at that. But trust me, my grandmother could do
anything she wanted to LOL. She was a surprising woman in a lot of
ways, and she always seemed to shock me with something when I was
least expecting it. I have a great respect for her because of that
though, and I do believe I took the strongest parts of her with me.
Although she wasn't a feminist, somehow I credit her with instilling
that in me somehow LOL. Um, now to figure out, is that good?

From my father, yes, I got that message too "you are going to do
this because I am your FAAAATTTTTHHHHEEEERRRRR". Also when he got
divorced and I was trying to go to college, suddenly I needed to be
taking the place of my mother. Not that I did, but I got from both
of my parents that suddenly my focus was supposed to be all about
them. I really felt like I had escaped the constant being dragged
into the marriage and divorce at that point, only to be told "uh,
no, we are very needy of you right now". "We need you to play our
post divorce games now".

My dad was the worst and the weakest by far. Then came the step,
and she was the next in line to rule. It was a horrible time in my

I realized when my grandmother passed away, that I had probably been
keeping it together for her. It was always in my forethought how
disappointed she would be if I just stopped talking to my father.
She was so distressed during the brief period that I stopped talking
to my step before this last permanent estrangement.
I think subconsciously when she died, I thought well grandma can't
be disappointed by me on earth right now, I don't need to worry
about that anymore. Plus, even if she didn't agree with me, she
would still love me, it was just easier when she wasn't physically
here, and I didn't need to explain the sad facts to her. I really
didn't want to burden her with it, although I suspected that she
felt the same way I did about the step. Perhaps even more so. My
step always held it against my dad that he took so good care of his
mother in her old age. I mean, that was attention away from her (my
step). God help us all.

I remember catching a look cross my steps face when she needed to be
the one to escort my grandmother to the bathroom. I always wondered
why my dad didn't ask me, I would have been glad to. I was always
secretly afraid that my step if left alone with my grandmother,
might intentionally hurt her. When I saw that look pass her face, I
wanted to jump up and say no!!! I couldn't figure out how to
without creating an obvious scene. In her old age, my grandmother
couldn't always hold a spoon steady and so she would get some crumbs
on the precious floor. My step would roll her eyes in full view of
everyone as she was sure to bend down with the dustpan immediately
and make a specticul of it.

The last Christmas before she died, and my grandmother was in the
nursing home, my step wouldn't let my grandmother come for the
annual dinner, because she didn't want her to be upset when she had
to return. So rather than let an old lady enjoy her last Christmas
with her family, and perhaps deal with a couple of tears at the end
of the night (or heaven forbid maybe let her sleep over), she denied
the rest of the family the pleasure of my grandmother's company.
I guess there was a new matriach in the family by then, and she was
not benevelant.

Alright, enough of my pitty party and whining

LOL, this blog is set up for my whining and angst, but I have tired myself out from it now, which is good.

This blog is sort of my way of releasing it into space, and then letting go of it. The thing with family estrangement though, is it always seems present when you least expect it.

The holidays of course bring it on. And I do perpetuate it by my visits to my mother's blog of which I have an unhealthy curiousity. I hate when she posts about me, and she started doing it again. No doubt to get my attention, which just brings about the whole viscious cycle again.

I have been letting it control me though, and I can change that. I can!!

It's just we sold the house, so I have nothing else to gripe about these days.

Mom's Solique is Apparently Part 1 of 4 (was part 1 of 3)

Apparently my mother is going to commence the whining in a four part series. The first of the series can be found in a link below.

But, but, I had to work at menial jobs like everyone else did, and I had to walk to work just like everyone else had to. I had to grow up just like everyone else. Woeeess me. I had to be a selfish self-absorbed person from the get go you see.

Puke, gag me with a spoon as they used to say in my day. Whatever lady. Been there done that but without the kid. And unlike my mother, also with parents so absorbed in themselves just as I graduated high school to do anything but be abusive towards me, and use me in their divorce and remarriage games.

At least they were still status quo where they left off with their parents. Had I had a baby, I wouldn't have been able to count on them, not one little bit. And for sure, my kid would not have been allowed near them. Period.