Saturday, July 28, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
- Weekend away with the "girls", all of which were friends in my dream but people I had never seen before.
- Wilderness setting in a log cabin that I think has been in my dreams before.
- Rented by the parents of one of the girls that was there so we needed to keep it clean, and clean up well to get the security deposit back.
- Husband nor dog were with me, but husband appears later on in the dream.
- I talk to the husband on the phone while peeing on the toilet (something I would never do or feel comfortable doing).
- I am lazy and do not pick up after myself, and I slack off though start some projects like washing the dishes or doing the laundry (again totally unlike me).
- I then find a mall in the wilderness (for what reason I don't know) and get lost in it. This part is very much like another reoccurring dream that I have about being lost on a highway, and then lost in a city that looks a lot like Worcester and my car is suddenly gone. The mall looks like the Galleria in Worcester used to look only larger and more opulent.
- I get back, and I haven't cleaned or packed. Everyone else is ready to go, and I need to stay behind to pack.
- At some point, I have a dream within my dream about squid aliens that are going to take us out on a raft (apparently we are on an island now), kidnap us, and have their children crawl into and invade our bodies when they get out in the water.
- When the squid aliens crawl in our eyesockets, it looks like our eyes unless you look closely, and then it's the mouth sucking part of the squid.
- My husband is there to pick me up before we go on the raft.
- I try to convince him that we are not to go with the others, and the raft operators dressed in yellow rain jackets because they are the aliens. He is confused.
- He then falls on the ice (now it's winter on the water, and a glacier) and is knocked unconcisious, and the aliens take this opportunity to drag him on the raft, and grab me screaming.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Looks like it's finally a beach day outside today. Hooray!! It's been such a damp and human mosquito infested horror show around here lately.
Course every tourist is bound to be at the beach, so it would be a better "shopping" day!!
Don't have any good magazines or books to bring down, but do have my way cool PS2 (of which I still don't know how to operate half the features) to bring down with my Laura Croft Tomb Raider game.
Monday, July 23, 2007
After I called her to tell her that she need not talk to my father to have a conversation with me, in fact that she was not to have a conversation through my father to me......she called my husband, whose mother was dying, to tell him that she would put a restraining order on me. Which made me laugh my ass off, one because, you know, the police have bigger things to deal with than a daughter calling her father. And two, because we all knew I would very likely not be speaking to them at all. She is a self centered idiot.
My husband claims he told me this, but he did not or I would have so reported BA monster to her employer. After I had let her employer know that any real estate agent of theirs EXCEPT my estranged step monster could go view my house, my step monster called my husband AGAIN, while his mother was dying, to tell him to "get his wife under control". This should say a lot about the marriage she has, and most likely the marriage her son and wife "enjoy". This actually struck my husband as pretty funny as he replied, "I don't know about your marriage, but I don't *control* my wife. Or seek to for that matter." I do suspect he didn't tell me, as that contact was a violation that her employer understood she wasn't supposed to make. I would have been ALL OVER that.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Things that I would give the BA Monster for her birthday:
- A conscience, but I don't know where to buy one.
- A sense of empathy or caring, alas don't know where they keep those either.
- Driving lessons or a driver better yet. Cut down on those pesky car accidents.
- Classes on sales and human relations, not only to sell her own house but to help her "career" along in the future.
- A portrait like Dorian Gray had, so she can just go on being BA monster without it showing on her.
- Lots of sweet candy and chocolates, cause those are good for people with diabetes, right?
- Valium would perhaps help her. Or something a bit stronger......
- A gym membership, as that psychic thing does not seem to have worked. Ahem, for either one of them.
- A sense of shame!! Where does one buy these things?
- A way to erase from the S donor's mind that he even had a child in the first place, or heaven forbid a former wife.
Happy Birthday the Monster also known as BA. Hope ya get everything you deserve today.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Okay, okay, I know it's actually Friday, but this perfect Thursday Thirteen just came with me. So as usual, deal. Thirteen things I wish I could retrieve from my childhood house before it's sold.
- A weird Swedish childhood book of fairy tales. I haven't been able to find another in antique stores, and one of the stories was about a boy who wouldn't eat his peas, and so a fox kidnapped him into a fox hole. Okay, perhaps kind of alarming stories for a different type of kid, but I liked my veggies so I had no fear. If anyone knows how I can find this book or what it is, any help would be appreciated.
- My Trixie Belden mystery book series that I collected in my tween years.
- My Black Stallion book collection, which was also awesome.
- My Winnie the Pooh books (suspect that they have probably been gifted to my step brother and his kids through my step-I once found some of my books in her collection and took them back. Meanwhile her and my dad have my book Misha, Hannibal, and Red Dragon that were borrowed from me and never returned as well).
- One of my first older kid scary books of short stories. They were pretty dark. Dark enough to satisify me as a kid. I remember one about a tree, but barely. Another about a kid making spells, and he managed to punish one of his friends by making him disappear.
- I also had a book that was about fairy adventures, I think. It was about kids traveling with a bit of help, and it was a pretty good story. Probably also with my step brother's kids.
- (this has probably been destroyed) But I always loved my mother's wedding dress. It wasn't traditional or anything, but it was a pretty cool sixties dress, all white, with fur on the cuffs in a very sixties silutte (short skirt with jacket). I used to admire this dress when I was a girl.
- My 1984 Wachusett High School Year Book that I have never been able to locate, and last saw in the old garage.
- I wish I could find my High School poetry notebook there, but I know I lost it in college on a bus.
- One of the men that lived above my mom's antique shop once gave me a sterling silver pocket watch case. At some point I lost track of where it was, but it was very neat. And the man did not have any bad intentions, these were more innocent times I guess.
- My mom's old charm bracelet, if she hadn't found it and taken it with her when she left.
- The bed that was left to me in the divorce decree (and bureau by the way), but that dad decided was his. I never fought for it or brought it up. He is who he is, and he has no shame ever. It's pictured in one of the rooms (the last bedroom scanned on the movie tour and leaning against the wall), ironically, where the house is posted for sale.
- The time back when I was 19, so I could not move into my father's house at that time, and instead stay ignorant of the totality of the Bitch that is the BA Monster. Sure I would have found out some other way though, and like I said, it was probably a huge favor to know the real her. Makes it much easier now.
Previously I had been allowed in the attic before the "rift". You wouldn't believe the amount of stuff in that house (in places out of sight) that they are going to have to deal with by the time the sell. Anyhow, I managed to rescue a toy horse my grandfather gave me, and family photo albums that were rotting in the family insulation.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
My husband is facing that corporate dilema right now. Corporations know where their free labor is, and instead of paying the hourly labor overtime, they make up "work parties" where salaried people come in and do a bunch of work. It's pretty blatant.
So while I was trying to decide whether to work in the corporate world until my business got started, I fully had decided to make up "kids". Robert and Rebecca would be our cute little tots to whom I had to go home to each night. They would have school events I couldn't miss et et.
I realize now that I forgot to share this plan with my husband so he could use it. I hate corporate America!! Probably too late now to share with his co-workers that he has kids. Hey maybe his "first marriage" wife gets killed, and we need to take care of the those kids?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Then my guys got a bit of loose bowels, which was all taken care of outside and due to the heat. But you limit their food intake when it happens, and then you get doggie spit up from the "I am hungry and obviously starving syndrome". No matter how hard you try, you never get them to do this 100% out the door, and then you need to balance whether to get them outside or risk the "traveling" spit up. Spot bot got quite the workout this week.
Then you got six dogs walking in with dirty paws all the time. Luckily we do have the mudroom which catches most of this.
Anyway, just luxuriating in having an "empty" (means just me, my husband, and our 3 dogs) for the moment.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Bipolar I Disorder — In this type, you have had at least one episode of mania or mixed mood and often experience depression too. In between, your mood may be normal. Sometimes your mood swings happen when the seasons change.
Bipolar II Disorder — In this type, you have had at least one episode of depression and at least one period of hypomania. Hypomania is a milder form of mania. In between, your mood may be normal. Sometimes your mood swings happen when the seasons change.
Cyclothymic Disorder — This is a milder form of bipolar disorder. You may go back and forth between mild depression and a slightly elevated mood. But your mood swings are shorter and less severe. Many people with cyclothymic disorder go on to have a stronger type of bipolar disorder. This doesn’t happen to everyone, though.
Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified — This type of bipolar disorder is when you do not fit into the types mentioned above. The feelings of bipolar disorder vary from person to person.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
I WILL NOT NEGLECT MY BLOGS
I WILL NOT NEGLECT MY BLOGS
Okay, confession time, I have slipped on the weight thingy. Actually, it's more that I have maintained and slipped on the exercise which is inexcusable. So it's time to get on the bandwagon again. The thing is, those family "issues" really make me go for the food and liquor, which are both fattening and horrid. And once you go for the food and liquor, you feel all bloated and sleepy and not like exercising, which is ridicoulous, because if I would just keep to the exercise program, I would be at my ideal weight in no time at all, well before next summer, and I should have been there for this summer.
Friday, July 13, 2007
- The wrestler who killed his wife and kid in an assumed roid rage. Then killed himself after text messaging friends. On an aside, I hope his dogs who were left in the pool area were okay and found a good home.
- A boy that was supposedly sodomized by a dog.
- The ex cop who killed his ex girlfriend who was pregnant.
- Libby pardoned by the President.
- Miss NJ attempted blackmailing for some typical college girl photo type stuff.
- Man robs bank dressed as tree.
- Food official executed in China.
I don't remember another stretch in time when I am opening up my Yahoo and seeing so many bizarre news stories. Do you think they are just finding these so people will log into Yahoo more, or is the world Whacked?
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Not to mention that the "rescheduled" father's day so my family was up. We got to see my Aunt and Florida cousins for like 5 minutes. Mostly because the monster apparently had a "negative reaction" when they mentioned they would try to get up to see me. Making them feel it was necessary to see me on the sly only on the way out. I wonder how the monster lives with herself in the evenings. She has apparently been revamping stories to where I attacked her for no reason twenty years ago. The monster is a piece of work.
You would think it's enough that she has dad all to herself like she always wanted. Now she wants to control my other relatives too. The thing is, for one trying so hard to do that, it must seem obvious that she has a lot to hide, and answer for.
We went to say hi to my cousin Rich at the beach, and she was there. She looks like she has gained more weight. Diabetes doesn't do so well the heavier you get. I like what one therapist says about wearing unresolved troubles in your weight. Mostly because I am loosing and getting healthier while she is gaining. All's not right in paradise over there----Que surprise!!!
All her side was there and my step brother, Andy, and her sister, Carol, all looked away when I looked over. Guess they didn't want to say hi LOL.
The S donor must have been at the house with Louise, Andy's wife, and Andy, Carol's husband. Rich was the only person from our family there. Crappy day too, fitting.
Heaven forbid they have missed father's day. Hey, happy father's day, S Donor. Anyone give you an "appropriate" card. I should have done the appropriate father's day card inserts and poetry this year. Well, there is always next year.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Later on it was generally almost always my grandparents kids and their kids each year. My great grandmother too until she died when I was 9 or so. There was the little and big Christmas tree that we would decorate, until one year Grampa got the idea to just keep the tree decorated but covered with a cloth down in the basement LOL. So things did change, but the core of the holiday never did.
Until......recently. I have not been there, and it has not been as well attended by others anymore. But really in my later adult years, it was more a trap than a welcome tradition. In my younger years, I looked forward to it more than anything, as it was one of the few times I would see my cousins. Now of course, we are all old and can drive and see each other whenever we want to. Some of us live farther apart, and so that was the reason that I attended the anniversary party (in addition to congradulating my aunt and uncle on 50 years of wedded bliss) to see everyone.
It's been nice to part with the tradition or "putting up the mask" as it seemed every year. I got so grumpy before going. I didn't used to know why really, but my husband did. I wish then I had gotten to know my grandmother and other family members outside that "fake and artificial" environment. "See everything is great, we meet for Christmas". BS.
At least between me, the S donor, and the monster.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
It's been since October 2005 since I have spoken to my father ie the S donor as I now enjoy (very mean spiritedly I admit, but have to get my angst out somehow) calling him. But to other relatives, they just realized this is going on. Course, I am almost sure they were not directed to this site for explanation LOL. Though that would explain my father's blogging outburst, and there were some lookie lous from FL and NH right before.
And then, you are trying to have some grace and tact when explaining, without it getting ugly or too specific. Sometimes with people you know very well, it is good to let it all out. These guys hang out with my S Donor and Monster more often. So they have a friendship with them, that I wouldn't wish to nor can destroy.
So picking the words and explanations that describe yet are not too specific are sort of difficult. Probably not a good time to call the step a "C U Next Tuesday" or my father the Sperm Donor. Though, those are both ways I feel. It's not particularly nice, but it's been the one way I have been able to allow them to feel just a little of the hurt that I felt for years. Probably not the healthiest way to act out in the long run, but I am indulging a bit for now. Next year, perhaps that kind of vocabulary when talking about this won't feel so necessary to me.
- Not allowed to express anger, disappointment, or expectations to my father without it being all about him. The reverse in regards to me is not true of course, he is allowed to do all those things. For me though, I never have and need to express things now. It's not okay for me for him to just shrug it off and say get over it. Although just an "I am sorry" without his excuses would have been fine in the beginning.
- My childhood was awful, and the parental relationship of my adulthood was negatively affecting other things (ie the family that is immediate that I love, and the family that was married into that I love, my business, my ability to focus on problems as they come up instead of inevitably focusing on what my father wants the focus to be at that point---which only seems guaranteed to come up when their is a crisis that I need to attend to).
- I want my adult hood to be as full as possible. I do not feel that is possible with either of my parents in it. In that they provide only negative and nothing positive to the relationship.
- I have a condition that I need to take care of, bipolar. While I don't blame them for it, it does become more difficult to control the down swings when that constant pressure is on to be everything they want, while getting nothing in return.
- They are unable to take "no" for an answer.
- There is no respect or love in the relationship beyond the moving of the jaw or typing on a keyboard to say "I love you", which by actions, as far as I can see does not mean love as I know and define it.
- Plenty of chances were given for dad to back off or talk to me. He wanted his own rules instilled, he is no longer in charge. If he wants a relationship with me, he will also have to give and compromise to the one or two things that I want. He is also not entitled to have the no boundaries relationship with me that he is trying to mandate. He has not earned the right to have that kind of relationship with me, and has abused that power in the past. I also had given in about the step as far as having a relationship with her, and discussing her with him, only to have him abuse that power over and over as well.
- Both of them feel the need to have third party conversations with me. My father says "if this is the only way we can talk" on my blog. The fact is I CALLED HIM ON THE PHONE, I CALLED BETTY ANN ON THE PHONE TO TALK TO THEM PERSONALLY. I MADE A DATE AT A PARK TO TALK PERSONALLY TO DAD THAT HE COMPLETELY BLEW OFF. I sent a Christmas card to my dad that he admits to ripping up, and did not send me any card. I sent a Thanksgiving greeting to my father, to which he never explained why he did not respond. So er, I have been making the effort.
- He has not taken ownership for his actions with his BS apology that only says he did not mean to hurt me deliberately. He can't just say he is sorry.
- Both of them were completely disrespectful and unwanted during a funeral for my mother-in-law, where the step barrelled through the greeting line stomping past me in a spectacle at the funeral. At my anger over the incident, my father could not believe how I was overreacting. It was really a polite letter that just said her presence was not wanted, and in the future to await an invite before attending any of MY family events, especially since she could not act respectfully in public.
- I have thought of no reasons OTHER THAN placating my father to start up a relationship.
- At the recent anniversary party, the only difference from being estranged and not being estranged was the fifteen minutes of stilted conversation, in which my father would ignore me or stare off during most of it, and the fact that I didn't need to hide (though I didn't do any demos for anyone) that I did not like them.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
---I was thinking about how cutting the strings and last vestiges of control have freed up my creative and euntrepeneurial side. I put so much of myself under the surface, that I was afraid to come up, be silly, enjoy myself and take risks. Cutting off those things that shouldn't have been holding me back, but in actuality were, have brought me to the surface. The me that I like who is not obsessing (though it may seem I am through the blog) about her parental or step monster relationships.
Monday, July 02, 2007
It's hard for me to take ownership of that. In fact, I am not taking ownership of that. I have the right to live my own life, beme and be loved or unloved. I don't need to maintain relationships in which I am unloved (by my definition of love).I had deferred for so long, that perhaps my anger and resentmentblind me to my part in it, but I see no way it could have been avoided other than for me to remain subsurvient to it, as I had for my lifetime.I am just flushing stuff out, as the family reunion did bring to theforefront again on whether all could be forgiven on my end.
And nowI remember my train of thought from the beginning of the day LOL (can you say attention deficit disorder).I watched my cousins up there with my parents. There was love,tears, and choked emotions. Knowing the people up there though, I know there are other things as well. So many things in my family are a mask. If they weren't though, how livable would that be? I guess what I am having to say, is estrangement comes from the choice of "can I live with that". Sometimes, you need to wear the mask,and pretend everything is hunky dorey. Only so that the true love can shine through.
In my situation, I guess I believe the "love" is only a mask and nothing at all below the surface except self interest(on my father and steps part).And even that was okay in the relationship as long as certain boundaries were maintained. The ones regarding the death of my mother-in-law in particular, and the sale of my house.Oh, so I guess if I can take responsibility, it's of not drawingthose boundaries early on. I guess when I finally said enough, itwas such a revalation to them that I could and would draw a firm linein the sand. And I was surprised, having not tested this before,that it wasn't immediately comfort and support that was given at this time, and instead they wanted to argue with me about them, our relationship, and the sale of my house.
Then things got ugly LOL. I think without a foundation for me to go back to of any really happy or loving memories of me and my father,it's hard to think it would be worth it to try for anything. The difficulty of keeping a mask up without anything worthwhile to do it for is tiring. The arguing that happens if you say no to something,is tiring. That is what my cousin's divorce reminded me of. When the wife said that the arguing over the place of a pencil made it clear that they needed not to share the same place, and the arguing began happening in front of the children over such things. That really struck a chord because I knew just how she felt.The control in my family is very weird. With gramma, if you put the teacup in the wrong place, she would right it or tell you too, but it really wasn't so controlling. With her children, it's very weird....if you are company never sit in the wrong chair. That is uncle so and sos chair, and no matter who you are, if you didn't live in that house you will be outted from the chair. Saw that happen to my poor husband, Robert, who would make the mistake of sitting down after helping the family clean or make dinner. It's very weird, and apparently this kind of obsessive behavior had made it into their home, where one partner was contolling the placement of everything all the time. There is never any letting go of control for the sake of the relationship.
I wonder if there is a name for a condition like that. If it was my grandma, you could joke with her about it,and kid with her. The kids seem to have taken it father than it was ever meant to go.I have it too. God I hate when my husband puts a dish from one set,where the other set goes. I am not talking about good dishes here. But you know what, it's just not that important. He after all DID the dishes LOL. And he cooks, and helps clean, and brings home the bacon while I pursue my dream of training dogs. It's a partnership and everything can't be all my way, or all his way.My Italian side of the family it's very "you will comply with my wishes". If you are a female spouse or child of someone, you are property well beyond your childhood years. The males never really show any loving emotions. It comes in the form of material goods, that means "love" to them. Or to spend timewith their daughter means you bring them out, but then ignore them or read the paper. And yes, don't forget to tell them their face has a pimple, they are too fat, they are too thin, they didn't graduatefrom the first college that they intended, well into 20 years later.I guess many people live with this, but I find it intolerable. ThenI feel guilty when someone who has been physically or sexually abusedis talking to their parents, because at least my parents did not do that.
Not only were my cousins incredibly welcoming and thanking me for coming, but my aunts and uncles were very loving as well.My dad and step were there. They stayed away from us, except at one moment when I first greeted my uncle, the step couldn't get there fast enough to pull him away for a moment. She couldn't do that all evening though, and so we had many nice conversations anyway, and they are coming up to see the new house this week!! When she came up, I just excused myself and said I would find a moment to talk to him later.
Everyone is finally aware of what is going on, so it was a relief not to have to explain that dad and I weren't talking. Or that me and the step weren't talking. One uncle came by and just asked if we were talking again, and then said it was too bad that we weren't, but not in any kind of judgemental or preachy way that I was expecting. My other uncle and aunt just avoided mentioning it. And my cousin in law did talk to me at length about the generalities of it. It's hard for people who don't live on the inside to understand that this might be better for you. Perhaps they have arguments with their mother that annoy them, and they think the issues that may surround your conflict might be equally as non-hurtful to you. When you come from a loving family that is annoying but not hurtful, it's hard to understand that some families are toxic. They may not be toxic to other family members, it might be that relationship it is poisonous to or that individual.I have been finding similarities in a divorce that is happening within the family. My cousin and his wife started off amicably enough with the divorce. They were going to "nest", which basically means the children are not uprooted, the house is shared, but not necessarily with the divorcing parties in the house at the same time. That did not work out, and predictably, it has gotten angry and bitter. I love my cousin, and I am very fond of his wife too and remain in contact. His wife was actually a foreign exchange student in my aunt and uncles household. So we knew her like my other cousins well before they got married. This has caused a rift between those two families as well, as the parents were best friends for a long, long time. My cousin's wife was closer to my aunt than her own daughter, my other cousin, was!!My cousin's wife feels finally free and since she has been a mother and married since 18, does not want to "cow down" and be the obedient little girl she had been until now. I so see her point. It is sad that all this growing up, and acknowledging feelings, hurts, differences of opinion is causing this rift, that I really hope is short term.And perhaps this is what is having a supportive effect for me with my family. Because believe me, they have their dysfunction, but they also have their loveable side. In my aunt, I see my grandmother's unconditional love, but I also see the pettiness and money mongering there. It's all about finances, and whether that hurts the ones they love, it seems not that important to them. It's also about control. Seeing my dad there, I started to question: why can I love my aunt despite this, and not my father? I guess because my aunt never abused any kind of power over me, would be the answer. I also did not expect unconditional love, as I did from my parents. It's always a nice surprise, like an unexpected Christmas present, if that makes sense. And if I expect differently, if I am absent for awhile, it's not quite the same thing as being absent from your parents.Like Nancy used to not have any hope for her and her mother, I don't for me or my father. He will always make excuses for their behavior to me. I have found that behavior to be unacceptable to me now. I don't have very high standards, but I do have standards on how me and my husband are to be treated. Like respecting us when a relative is dying, and backing off from any issues they may have like wanting my step to sell our house. I would forgive that, if there was anything resembling an apology. Instead what I got was "I guess I hurt you, but I never deliberately meant to do it". How do you not deliberately crash a funeral, stomp by and ignore your daughter or step daughter, and not deliberately argue with her over who will sell her house when her mother in law was dying. It may have been an apology, but it was in no way sincere or took responsibility and ownership for his actions. Better would have been "I am sorry" with a period (.) at the end. Not additional excuses being made. There is no excuse. Anyway, I am still so very angry at them, but being seperated from them has taken a lot of inner turmoil away and angst!! I am much more peaceful now. And when I need to do things like grow my business or be there for a sick relative, I don't need to spend that time expending energy arguing with such a narcistic personality that could care less about me or what I am going through, while expecting absolute devotion from me. Normally, I would have said "hello" to them, but I did not approach them to say hello this time. I am done making that kind of effort, had they come up kindly to me, I would have done the same. What was sort of funny was my husband's face at one point. My uncle was at the same table as them, and it was time for us to leave. We had agreed to leave sort of early in the evening, and plus we had to let the dogs out. So I went up and gave a hug and goodbye to my uncle. My husband's face went white, I don't know why. It's not in my nature to go up and punch someone in the face or something