Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Thoughts in The Morning and During a Bike Ride

---I went to the Adult Children of Narcistic parents board, and was shocked to find a discussion on parents who use pets against their children. It so parralled my dad's own post to my blog, and my reply that he neglected and killed off OUR pets rather than take care of them, give them to me, or find them an appropriate home!! I didn't know this was something that parents like this actually did, sometimes with glee!! That was shocking to me that people could be so knowingly and intentionally cruel. And yet, I have experienced it myself.

---I was thinking about how cutting the strings and last vestiges of control have freed up my creative and euntrepeneurial side. I put so much of myself under the surface, that I was afraid to come up, be silly, enjoy myself and take risks. Cutting off those things that shouldn't have been holding me back, but in actuality were, have brought me to the surface. The me that I like who is not obsessing (though it may seem I am through the blog) about her parental or step monster relationships.
So much of me had been held back before, the kind of letting loose of my rage and anger have allowed other more positive things to free up as well. While I would have told you that my parent's "approval" never meant much to me, I think part of me was still holding back to seek for that approval. That approval never came from me following my own path.

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