Acceptance (via the donors)-No they have not accepted that I am an individual with unique views, opinions, and interests. They have not acceptance that I won't live in repression and lies for their comfort. As far as the donors are concerned, I have not reached a point where they can accept me IMHO.
Validation (as it relates to me)-Once upon a time I longed to hear JUST that I was heard (that is after my longing for apology had passed). It no longer maters to me (see acceptance
Validation (as it relates to my donors)-I am unable to excuse their actions. I see the words written and said, and I can validate that. However the actions are in direct conflict with the words. I can't even believe that my donors feel any real pain of not seeing me, in fact I think it must be quite the reverse, because I will not speak lies and supplicants to them. I have acknowledged that they fed, clothed, and provided me shelter. I have also acknowledged that our rift has no connection to how I was brought up, other than there was never a bond there between me and the donors that I could cleave to. In other words, I can not validate a reason for us remaining in a relationship together as things stand today and have stood for 23 and 14 years.
Apology-From the male donor, I have received the words that "I am sorry" followed immediately by the excuses. Then followed even more immediately by his public blog post (on this blog) on his grudge that I did not graduate from the first college that I went to (which I had apologized to him a looonnnggg time ago about). So the words mean nothing to me, it is still clear that male donor feels totally justified in encouraging his current wife to abuse me (physically, verbally, and emotionally).
In 2008 (11 years after the female donor and I estranged, and four years after her lie) the female donor typed the words sorry for lying about how I felt about my grandfather's and step brother's death. This even coincidentally came after talking to someone she calls SIL that said I felt she was mentally ill, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive (controlling, narcissistic, and the list goes on). Course she says now that she really felt that way, but NOW realizes it was a mistake. And then, right after the sorry came "haven't you ever been wrong?" I mean yeah I have, but not of stories I have made up to simply hurt a person. I realize my donors are hurt by the truth, but that is not my problem. It has been my actual experience of observations of something written in black and white.
So, no, I don't wait around for apologies. I have given plenty of heartfelt apologies in my life that I did not need to make excuses for NOR need to nullify in the next sentence or discussion (or write "shit happens" as an excuse for harming someone). I in turn, feel nothing to apologize for now. I spent much time, years, effort, trying to save these (non) relationships. My time is better spent in other avenues these days. These things used to cripple me as a person, and now I am free to be me.
The reason that the male donor wants apologies accepted is simply for the sake of appearance for him and his monster. It makes him look bad. My female donor, it is not hard to tell, [did not give any apologies really anyway] wants to live in the illusion of her victim hood and martyrdom. She certainly wants one so that she can rise again to the realm of the "fictional bestest mother", but she certainly does not want a real relationship with her offspring. She never did, and that is never going to change. She wants someone to worship at the alter of her, and if you can't do just that, the hell with you. I am so over jumping through those hoops, and not being allowed to say "no" ever, and that goes for both of my donors. Never mind that they can not reciprocate with love, understanding, or anything like that. Those are the times where it is most all about them.
Forgiveness-Much of the way that I was, have been, and continue to be treated as an adult, I can not forgive. I want to forgive, I try to forgive, but I do not feel it deep inside me. I don't know the way there, but I hope I find it some day. I don't like feeling angry and hurt even if it lessens every year. My non forgiveness is a burden that has been with me for too long. Sometimes grief does not officially end either though, and I wonder if that is what I am going through. Or if there is a definition of forgiveness that I have met. Like no longer needing an apology or validation from my donors. Realizing they are what they are, and I had nor have any power to change them. I think I am thinking of forgiveness as the ability to accept them and their actions.
Defintion of forgive from this site, http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/forgive:
"To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
To renounce anger or resentment against.
To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example). "
The first one, not ones in my adulthood, I have not. I have been unable to get rid of anger and resentment fully (it lessens). However to absolve from payment (ie you are no longer expected nor required to be in my life), that I have achieved.
Grief-I think with acceptance came the larger part of getting over the grief of letting go of a dream. But grief is always there, I think just less of it and less frequent feelings of it. I feel it more now for other people just beginning on the journey to dealing with unloving parents. It's a large burden for a child or adult to carry with them, and I think you always feel that somehow you never measured up, especially if others have or seem to have.
Hate-I am ashamed to say that it is possible that I may hate one or more of these parties. I wish I could say that it is simply that I hate what they did. I don't even know that I hate them as I write this, so I will now look up the definition of hate to see if it shines some light on this.To feel hostility or animosity toward.
The below is from this site, http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/hate:
"To detest.
To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes. "
Weird that they used dishes as an object for hate. I really thought this was a more powerful emotion than this, so yeah, I guess I hate all parties according to the above definition of "dislike or distaste"
And the definition of detest? http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/detest
"To dislike intensely; abhor."
Well there you go. That definition fits how I feel about all three parties if that is how "hate" is defined.
***My female donor has written about her intense disliking of me (though she also "adores and loves me" (er not). And it would certainly not be a revelation or shock to ME that she hated me. I would submit to my audience that my male donor hates all women and some races of people that include both sexes. He needs them in his life, but he hates them all the same as far as I can see. He has a sociopath's love for women as objects that may provide some use to him. I believe his marriage is based on mutual hate now (and in the past) because one tries to tear down the relations of another (though I don't blame them for the other's actions). And the other needs someone to be with, but also is no stranger to saying demeaning things about them at family gatherings, and showing anger in the most ridiculous situations. It is a perfect marriage for the both of them I figure, BUT not one based on true love. They would need to really know and experience what it is FIRST. They are incapable of that.
Pity-I do have that and empathy for my donors. They are living a life that for me would be torture to live. They can not be authentic in public, they are miserable on a daily basis (maybe not female donor, but her posts do not give me the impression of great joy even on her other blogs), and they feel out of control and angry when they can not control everything. To keep the relations that they still have, I have to assume that they still need to hide themselves from some of these people. Two of these people are in deplorable physical condition, and one I heard had to use a walker recently. Obviously, their physical condition is not my fault and was not so great before we estranged, and is their responsibility. But it does point out to the fact that emotionally they are not doing so hot. I don't think this is because of me, and in fact I can only imagine that I improved things in the marriage of a couple of parties. I think it is because of the way that they are, and how they must relate to others. I would be quite miserable to if I could not be myself, could not be honest, and had to live behind a mask. Been there, and done that. It is no way to go through life. Of course taking their mask off does not mean unmasking a kind or gentle spirit, and therein lies their problem. No one would want to be around them without the pretense, free food, and liquor.
