Some background: I was the product of some sexual experimentation which included no penetration before either party was actually considering merging their lives together. How do I know this? Well, this information was included in early (and I am talking early) sex talks with me by the female donor, as a reason to have safe sex. So I knew for quite awhile the circumstances of my creation. Not saying I shouldn't have known, just saying those are the facts.
In third grade, I remember vividly that my opinions and observations of the world were not enjoyed by my male donor. No, it was not that they were so outrageous or wrong, it was that they were not his. It did have to do upon my crush on my third grade teacher, whom I adored. This is when I began to know the male donor's disdain not only with me but with all things female with a brain that worked.
The marriage, I realized was not right since I was five years old. There was yelling that seemed to go on everyday, but I am sure there were breaks in there somewhere. When in my senior year of high school I learned of the impending divorce, my first thought must have been "about time"!! I had shown my stress in junior high and high school by separating myself from family dinners to avoid the tense arguments that would happen. I slept a lot in Junior High and avoided taking showers. I remember a period of time where I need to go in for a scan or xray, because no one could figure out where the headaches came from so frequently. Now I think back and am like "yeah duh, wonder how those came on?" Blissfully, it never occurred to the donors that I might be having problems with our "wonderful" and "loving" home life.
Even early on, I had no picture in my mind of a future around the donors. I did picture myself moving out quite frequently. Even when I was a child, I think I knew this relationship had to go. I didn't realize it that concretely then or why I would feel that later on I would be free of them. My inability to communicate or grasp what was wrong was a direct result of my upbringing.
In my Junior High to teen years, I became my female donor's confidant. I got to hear about the about how important orgasms were (and this corresponded nicely with the loud yelling sexual arguments that I got to hear in the house), about experimenting, and I was shown the book she had that went into explicit detail on these things. I was also well aware of my male donor's vast collection of playboys just right out there in the medicine cabinet of the only bathroom. I was naive then, but just think how charming I think of that now!! Nice, this is how husbands treated wives. In none of my conversations with my parents was the importance of a loving, respectful relationship brought up. Huh, no wonder I was convinced that I would never marry before college. I believe had I not met Robert, that I would have likely been single for most of my life.
Course my parents could not bother to notice all of this, why they were all wrapped up in their drama. I was something to be moved here or there, or a financial obligation to be argued about in the divorce papers, but what I was not was a recognized or "beloved" child of theirs. In fact, had I never accidentally come along in the first place, there would have been no divorce or marriage.
My female donor was pretty. I do have those same looks. This fact was not lost on the male donor, I don't believe. I do not mean this in a creepy sexual way by the way, I mean that when he lashed out at me, he was lashing out on a wife that was unfaithful to him and left him. When he wanted me close, it was because the last female fled the building. When he found a different one, all interest in me as being with him left as well. Meanwhile, to be fair, the moment I left high school all I wanted to do was be AWAY. It did not occur to me at that point to try and forge a relationship with the male donor. It did occur to me that I was free, somewhat. It would take a couple of years to get myself financially independent. My male donor did pay my housing expenses for a period of time.
When the step monster came along by the way, it occurred to her that I was a product of a family before hers. I was the adversary, the other woman. My male donor supported her in her quest to be abusive towards me, and continued right up until the day that I ended our perverse dance of "obligation". I have met my "obligation" for many many tiring and disturbing years in which my self esteem must have been bottom shelf. My "obligation" has been paid in full for some time now.
So many hurtful things have happened, but I will now point out the few and main points of my story where an impasse that could not be bridged happened.
- The first estrangement. If you want to go to "the straw" that started this downward spiral, my female donor decided that the presents SHE received were not enough, after sending a box of "presents" to my husband six months after his birthday. My husband, who by the way, was about to get a piece of his colon removed, so my response that her concern over what I might get her was not making the top ten, did not go well for me...
- Finding my female donor's blog about the estrangement, and gaining a perspective that I really did not want. In the end, I am grateful for this. The first blog I saw was the defaced wedding photo of me, and her fiction that we wanted a big wedding. In fact, it was our decision from the get go that we did not want the drama that other families went through, and just wanted a fun day, and it was.
- The mythical apology from the female donor.
- Various quotes and responses from the female donor.
- Outing something that I talk publicly about on my blog to make herself the more superior (not on my blog but on other blogs where she tries to hide her identity while telling her online "friends" where to find me)
- The continue of above for those that have depression or have friends that suffer from depression. Don't ever use this as a weapon against someone (the private knowledge) it's not nice, and totally their call as to who they talk to about it, when and where.
- The female donor list of things I could not forgive and those that I could (or at least were of no significance to me at that date) forgive (this was written in 2007 so it very well may have changed).
- The reasons for estrangement with my egg donor that I had to repeat over and over again, and then make public on her blog, so she could no longer say that "she did not know".
- The second estrangement. When the shit hit my fan.
- Are these apologies? Or maybe this was the apology? Or why does the "shit happens" excuse only apply when it's ME? As far as the "it takes two comment to work on a relationship) here is what happened to a Christmas Card that I sent, though the reason for not having a two way communication during Thanksgiving is neglectfully left out. The comment about the Christmas card being sent via my male donor's opinion to disclude the monster, is particularly funny as previous to that he acknowledges that neither the monster or I "are not expected to" (like HE has that choice) have a relationship LOL. How very fucking nice of him not to expect it. It is further amusing to note that he found the card addressed to him "intentionally hurtful" from me despite the fact that only he should see the card in private. So now I am supposed to keep up "private appearances".
- Comments from the male donor. (you will have to look in the comment section of each post) And (besides the comments in the comment section) my blog post that addresses these.
- What my male donor did with Christmas cards which did not include the Monster on the address portion. Realize I had already been clear that I would no longer have a relationship with this woman. The attached post should give you just one peek into why I will never deal with this "woman". Although if he had let me know he wanted her to be included, I could have wrote Spermy (not what was on the card)and the CUNT of the house:) Additionally, it's ironic that he is saying this, as he does not "expect me" to have a relationship with the monster, only expects the appearance of it for his eyes only and in his house LOL.
- The list written in 2007 of things I can and can not forgive (or that have little effect on me) the male donor for.
- My female donor's thoughts on male donor. Something we can both agree upon.
- The documented reasons for my estrangement with the sperm donor. My troubles for coming up with this were answered by the retort that he was "not blind or stupid". Well he is not legally blind, he has that one right.
- Bullet points that might be shared with "not so close" "family" members.
- And then there is "the monster" (aka the male donors 2nd and lovely bride). I included her in the 2007 list of things that I can and can not forgive the monster for.
- Things that I have thanked the donors for.
- Things that I do not thank the donors for.
In the "Nitty and Gritty page" I do detail some of my childhood. I don't hold a grudge because of it, but it is to illustrate the lack of an initial bond that was there for me. Perhaps my donors felt very bonded to "their accident" and verbal/emotional punching bag. That is them, and this is me. I did not feel a bond. I felt the need to escape as soon as I was able.
Perhaps that is not entirely true, as I did dance for them for quite awhile. I really had not faced up to the situation as yet, or why they treated me like they did. I felt deep hurt through my childhood and young adulthood when thinking of my donors, and never knew quite why until I really stepped back.