Really, I have grown in so many ways. That's why I am doing this, not for drama, but as a formal exercise and ceremony of letting go in ways that I have not before. (scroll to the bottom for the note to myself.
My "thanks" to my mom for this. Guess the two years was not working for her since she wasn't hearing from me, so she decided a little roll in her own feces would do:
"If you would like me to explain my post where I mention your bipolar disorder in another way than I have, I will give it a shot. Please realize that I have known about your disorder for over two years and have not, that I can recall, mentioned it on my blog previously due to my awareness that it would be a sensitive issue for you if I did. So for over two years I have not talked about it on my blog until a couple of days ago. (I am not 100% positive but I do not recall mentioning it before.)"
Yup, you got it, I fell for it before. I fell for the same tactic again LOL. Only now she doesn't want contact, she wants the arrow to find it's way home AGAIN. And she didn't have to explain, I got it. Much like I got:
"Since you haven't chosen from the items that you mentioned in the post above, I will choose one item that has bothered you a lot. That is about my post on Family Rifts in which I mentioned your feelings about your stepbrother and grandfather's death. Your belief is that I lied with the intention of hurting you.
Obviously I was wrong. "
No apology was forthcoming after that except the exclamation of "haven't you ever been wrong". No, in fact in posting in public a lie that would hurt someone that just happened to come on the heels of my mother finding out that I believed she was metally ill (which would have been a more acceptable explanation for me). However, I believe her when she says she is not, which leaves the unfortunate conclusion that she is just a horrid person, unfortunately, that is narcistic and likes to hurt the "daughter she loves" Ha!!
Here is my list for you, since that format seeems to make more sense for you (this was done for my mother because she kept twisting my words in my own list, she couldn't repeat back exactly what I said):
1) Did not appreciate the hurtful lies on a board about my feelings about my grandfather or stepbrothers death, mainly because it was a hurtful response to your finding out I thought you were mentally and emotionally abusive.
2) You are mentally and emotionally abusive IMHO. Due to the fact that you have a one sided standard for a relationship. You are not able to accept boundaries (ie spying on me, interviewing family members, bi polar mentionings, other public board postings about medical info that could be written privately, the fact that you respond publically most of the time to your "audience", and so on....I have mentioned them before).
3) While I have not pressed for more info on your "explanation" (there was none) of your mentioning my bi polar that was outside the realm of being spiteful and hurtful, as was in the past, instead of listening you EITHER make up your own stuff or start compiling "evidence". It never ends.
4) YOu don't listen. YOu don't absorb anyway. You make up lists, answers, other explanations, but the one thing that you do not do is listen. Or acknowledge or apologize. YOu do make dramatics for being asked to acknowledge or apologize. I was at first assuming these lists were an attempt to acknowledge, but I perceive a spin on my words coming about.
5) You have shown no interest in ME while you knew me. That is evidenced in your posting about my job and what you thought my strengths were. You were so busy making up negative stories, that you never enjoyed my successes or worried about my worries. Your worries centered around not getting the perfect gift. I did try to be there for you by doing things like organizing the clean up of your father's apartment, but it was never enough. And it was always about you.
6) YOu do not know how to have a two sided relationship. You do not understand love or define it the way I do.
7) You try to control things, and slam dunk things when they do not go your way. You assume that you are the only person that has gripes, and that you have nothing to gripe against.
8) Given the opportunity to move on, instead you took the opportunity to provide me with a "therapy" letter. You could not keep your word on the way our relationship could and was planned to go forward.
9) Given the opportunity to come visit and work it out, instead you took the opportunity to give a list of demands, after agreeing that we could do things that I liked to do for ONCE. Like I would force you to bike ride or anything, that wasn't the point. The point was you were again being controlling and manipulative. That would not fly anymore.
And I have grown, and continuing a relationship with my father was a huge mistake. It is possible that dissolving it sooner could have actually saved our relationship. Instead, it gave him more a sense of entitlement for his and her actions.
This is the list in my words. If you want to reword it, those are not my words. I won't retranslate for you. I think I have been more than clear on my viewpoint. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are trying to understand, but the continued rehashing of this does no good.
I am really mystified as to what you are trying to get out of it. This has all been said before. There is nothing new here.
You could have listened and understood this years ago, though perhaps I wasn't so good at communicating. I apologize for that, however, I am not thinking I saw great examples of communicating in my childhood. I am not blaming anyone, I am just explaining as to why I may have lacked some skills.
Any how, I am really done now. I don't need responses to these, but do that for yourself if you want. You had mentioned going to my blog as a means to help you. I don't want you to, nor think you especially want to.....I am just saying, you can do what you want to do. I certaintly keep on top of what you are blogging about. I don't use it as a method of communicating with you or your friends who are visiting. I don't write it with a thought of reconciliation, and I am sure there are harsh things there.
I just do a mental dump there, and like I said you are less than 10% of my postings. And most of my postings usually come along with thoughts of what was posted on your blog.
I do read your blog to reassure myself that I have not made a bad choice. Past actions should speak for themselves, but truth be told, I find it reassuring when you keep on making the same mistakes. I should say though, I appreciate your honesty of what really goes on in your head most times. I do feel as though you are "playing" me right now. Using an empathetic tactic, which clearly sucks me in. I have to honestly tell you, I don't see a time that I will ever trust that it is so. So if you are looking to get something by providing responses that you think I will appreciate it, it is for nothing other than perhaps the satisfaction that you may have made me feel better if not trustful.
Dear Robin,
You have done all you can. You offered every option and opportunity. You know where this lady's head is at. Move on, who cares. She will lie about you, embellish things about you, willfully hurt you, until she finally dies. There has not been been a time that she has actually loved you or cared for beyond an extension of herself. You know that for the love of God.
SMACK!! UPSIDE MY HEAD!!
Wake up idiot. It's time to accept that she is just going to do it, and you don't even know the sick little friends that she "collects" to elevater herself with the lies and embellishments that she tells.
Sorry but you needed that.
Sincerely,
Yourself
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