Karma will follow my mother to her grave. She will cuddle up with her lies and manipulations, and go to the afterlife deluding herself that she has been right.
I hope she doesn't go on this journey alone, but I fear that will be her fate. On the other hand, it's not like it hasn't been by her choice alone.
At some point she will either own it, or there just is darkness out there in the universe (in that there is no afterlife).
At any point, I am sorry that she will make that journey without me, on the other hand, I accept that I can't accept her manipulations and lies as "love". She knows what she has done, even if people can't see behind the curtain of victim hood that she pulls over herself, and wraps herself in it's warm fuzzy softness, ignoring that it's really porcupine quills sticking into her. The present of love that she gives so nicely wrapped, is filled with cow manure instead of a glowing softness.
If others want to accept that into their lives, I guess I can just be glad that this person who is somehow related to me will not go to her grave entirely alone-perhaps.
On May31st, I will bury the thought of my mother ever reaching out in a way that I recognize as lacking in manipulation, deceit, and outright lies. This site will be deleted, and I will quit searching for the woman that might have existed once, and accept that she never did.
FORMAL DOUBLE CEREMONY TO FOLLOW TO BURY A PAST AND PRESENT THAT I AM MOVING ON FROM. I HAVE FORGIVEN MY MOTHER BY ACCEPTING, FINALLY, THIS PART OF HER THAT WON'T BE CHANGED OR CAN'T BE CHANGED. I FORGIVE MYSELF, BECAUSE I COULDN'T CHANGE IT OR ACCEPT HER VERSION OF "LOVE". WITH THAT FORGIVENESS WILL COME THE MOVING ON, DELETING THIS SITE, AND NOT SEARCHING FOR "HER" ANYMORE. INSTEAD I WILL GRIEVE, YET AGAIN, FOR WHAT CAN NOT BE, AND COME TO ACCEPTANCE OF THAT DURING THIS TIME OF MOURNING.
I hope she doesn't go on this journey alone, but I fear that will be her fate. On the other hand, it's not like it hasn't been by her choice alone.
At some point she will either own it, or there just is darkness out there in the universe (in that there is no afterlife).
At any point, I am sorry that she will make that journey without me, on the other hand, I accept that I can't accept her manipulations and lies as "love". She knows what she has done, even if people can't see behind the curtain of victim hood that she pulls over herself, and wraps herself in it's warm fuzzy softness, ignoring that it's really porcupine quills sticking into her. The present of love that she gives so nicely wrapped, is filled with cow manure instead of a glowing softness.
If others want to accept that into their lives, I guess I can just be glad that this person who is somehow related to me will not go to her grave entirely alone-perhaps.
On May31st, I will bury the thought of my mother ever reaching out in a way that I recognize as lacking in manipulation, deceit, and outright lies. This site will be deleted, and I will quit searching for the woman that might have existed once, and accept that she never did.
FORMAL DOUBLE CEREMONY TO FOLLOW TO BURY A PAST AND PRESENT THAT I AM MOVING ON FROM. I HAVE FORGIVEN MY MOTHER BY ACCEPTING, FINALLY, THIS PART OF HER THAT WON'T BE CHANGED OR CAN'T BE CHANGED. I FORGIVE MYSELF, BECAUSE I COULDN'T CHANGE IT OR ACCEPT HER VERSION OF "LOVE". WITH THAT FORGIVENESS WILL COME THE MOVING ON, DELETING THIS SITE, AND NOT SEARCHING FOR "HER" ANYMORE. INSTEAD I WILL GRIEVE, YET AGAIN, FOR WHAT CAN NOT BE, AND COME TO ACCEPTANCE OF THAT DURING THIS TIME OF MOURNING.
I HAVEN'T BEEN SEARCHING FOR MY FATHER, I NOT ONLY KNOW WHO HE IS BUT HE DID HIS DAMAGE A LONG TIME AGO AND HE HAS TAKEN ON SOME OF THE RESPONSIBILITY, WHILE ALSO CALLING OUT THE FLUNKED OUT OF TWO COLLEGES CARD WHICH I HAD REPEATEDLY APOLOGIZED FOR (AND FINANCIALLY PAID FOR IN ADDITION TO THE COLLEGE THAT I GOT A RATHER STELLAR GRADE POINT AVERAGE FROM WHEN I GRADUATED). I DON'T BLAME HIM, HE IS WHO HE IS. HIS WIFE IS WHO SHE IS. AND HE AND MY MOTHER WERE A PRETTY WELL MATCHED PAIR EVEN IF IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. HIS NEW WIFE IS WELL MATCHED TO HIM AS WELL, AND I HOPE SHE AND HIS SIBLINGS OUT LIVE HIM SO HE WON'T BE ALONE AT THE END. I WON'T BE THERE, THIS PART OF MY LIFE IS COMING TO A LOOONNNNGGG AWAITED END.
JUST A BIT OF FORMALITY IS NEEDED. I HAVE ACTUALLY FOUND THAT EXERCISES FOR RELEASING ANGER AND GRIEF HAVE HELPED ME VERY MUCH GET OVER ALL THIS. NOW IT'S TIME FOR MY MOTHER'S ACTIONS TO STOP SURPRISING ME ALREADY, AND TO KNOW THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED WHO MY FATHER IS, AND THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT WORK. REALLY NEVER WORKED.
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