Dreams

A couple of my clients work in Corporate America currently.   A world I escaped from 9 years ago.   I still enjoy talking to people about business.   There were parts of it that I enjoyed, but not the dishonesty, the pressure they tried to put on you to cover up illegal activity, and the way mergers/acquisitions were handled.  I also did not like the climate of business where mergers and acquisitions could be expected no matter where you worked, and farming out jobs to other countries became the norm.   I understand the business sense, but the way employees who were going to be laid off (often minimum wage people with no benefits never mind severance packages) were lied to and deceived.   Those sorts of things chipped at my optimism and innocence daily in the last few years that I remained in Corporate America.  I never plan on going back, as I enjoy my work helping canines and their families craft working relationships/partnerships.   I think my time and energy are better spent there.   It has it's challenges.   For instance I am injured right now, so I can not do as much as I would like to physically, and have to save my energy for my private lessons.   There are really no sick days for me, unless I am desperately ill.   Vacation time can be challenging as well, even though it's my own business.   However, I love it.   I have very few days that I don't want to get up and seize the day!

It is interesting that just talking about my clients' experiences in their corporate world triggers bad dreams for me of the Corporate world.   In those dreams, my Donors have appeared.   In the one two days ago, Spermy called me at work, because he thought I was using my private checkbook to pay the corporations bills.  This was not happening but he had gone through some of my stuff at his home and came to this conclusion.   I just remember in the middle of a corporate environment screaming at him to leave me alone and that he was ridiculous.

Then this morphed into seeing both my donors enter my bosses office to talk about this.   I am thinking that just by being so annoying and ridiculous that they are going to get me fired.   I was thinking, who would want to have to deal with them that did not have to.   I eventually corned Spermy and just remember screaming and swearing at him to get away from me and out of my life.   Most of my dreams about Spermy are about being so angry that he is trying to insert himself in my life (unwanted) and in an unhelpful way yet again.  

This weekend we had a visit from a dear friend.   He also has issues with his family and his upbringing, although he has maintained contact.   This discussion brought on yet another dream.

We are all (cousins, aunts, uncles, donors) living at my grandparents house, which is teeny tiny.   Someone eats something gone bad in the refrigerator (which would never happen in my grandmothers house---she was a meticulous home maker).   It is toxic and everyone starts turning into monsters that go to eat everyone else. 

About that dream, I often wonder how my grandparents children (and my grandparents were not perfect by any  means, but I knew them to be truly good people) could have turned out as cold and selfish as they seem to have. Eggy's side was obviously dysfunctional.   But Spermy's side was dysfunction in a similar way to the sitcom "Everyone Loves Raymond".   Not mirror image, but their dysfunction was funny many times.  Also if you brought it up to them, they were people who could talk about that with you, and you could come to an agreement.   It was never this way between me and my donors.   A rational loving conversation, no way.

It seems now that I need one of these triggers before they sneak back into my head in late night nightmares.  It's interesting how these two damaging and pressure filled periods of my life have seemingly joined up together in my dreams. Like my subconscious is saying "remember to always stay away".

Weird Ass Dreams

I do not think this dream has anything to do with my donors or step monster.   In fact, unless I see them physically (and they do something rude towards my husband) they do not much reside in my head anymore.  They seem to be floating farther and farther out to sea as far as my thoughts are concerned.   I have no time or inclination to rescue them or seek them out.

So anyway, onto the strange dream.   I believe I know why I had it, I was talking to a neighbor about programs on animal abuse the other day.   Also, I always see the posts about how people hate all pet stores, and would rather "not buy" their animals (although if you go through a breeder or a rescue shelter you are buying).   Wasn't going to interject my opinion here on pet stores, but what I hate are pet mills.   I think it's more honest to say you don't support pet stores, instead of acting like buying a puppy from a shelter is so drastically different.  Anyway, that is a post for my other blog at another time.  Suffice it to say that the problems of pet sales and pet ownership are far more complex than boycotting pet stores that sell pets.

The dream begins in a recurring place that is sometimes in my dream.  It is an overcrowded pet store, with kittens and puppies jammed in cages (looking sickly) up to the ceiling.   Sometimes during the dream it turns into shelter with those same conditions (luckily most shelters need to be inspected).   Everytime I see this place in the dream, I recognize it as a recurring place (not at all a real place that I have been, my mind completely makes this up).

There is a rag doll kitten there that catches my eye.   I should say that since Mustache, our last cat, died of old age in 2006 or 2007, we have not gotten another cat as we are both horribly allergic to them!  Miss everything about them except the dreaded cat box, but if we were not allergic...we would most likely still have cats as well as dogs.

Somehow, I present this kitten to Robert, and he must have agreed as we came home with a kitten.  Actually here is where it turns a bit bizarre.   We come home with two kittens actually one striped and one that looks like a stuffed doll but is living.   On closer inspection, I discover that it is a covering on either a very deformed kitten or a very abused kitten who is all bandaged underneath....

That discovery is the last thing I remember about that dream.

Glad to see that my sleeping brain is working on more important issues, however.   Like the plight of animals everywhere, pet shops, and what happens to them when they do not get the right home.

Dreams

I had two dreams recently about the E Donor. I can only remember one clearly now, but the other was in the same area.

I am visiting her where she lives. It's cold and rainy out. I am sick with a cough. My plane leaves for home in a few hours, and I want to go lie down. However, she won't let me, as she works outside on things she is interested. She doesn't pay attention to me or talk to me, just wants me outside to admire her, until the last minute.

The weird thing was she was working with horses outside. As far as I know, my E Donor never had any strong feelings towards horses, but I have been interested in horses. However, because she was showing an interest or because I felt so sick, I was going to be damned if I got up and checked it out.

I think this relates to how I would feel when I would go visit her. She wanted to do things with me that she thought I would enjoy, as she did, but they were things that I did not want ruined by her company. They had become private things to me. It's just the way I felt. I would not want to go see the symphony with a complete stranger who would whisper in the middle of everything "how great it was just being us" (ie leaving my husband who didn't like some things somewhere else, though he would have come) and how great this "intellectual" diversion was. It was just something I enjoyed on my own, and part of that enjoyment was not having it ruined that way, by someone who would not even understand how or why I enjoyed it. But instead wanted that enjoyment to be a reflection on them, on how they raised such a diverse child or what not.

Couple of Things

-The upstairs toilet is clogged (until hubby unclogs it, HIS JOB). He claims not to have done it, and I usually remember if something like a sea monster has emerged from my butt. Me thinks he lies. BTW, he was occupying the bathroom before the incident.

-The horn in my car is intermittently beeping. Rob's old car remote thing had gotten very sensitive due to his putting it through the wash numerous times. It hasn't been seen for awhile. I wonder where it is at this moment, and if I am going to be surprised by finding it come out somewhere?

-Had a dream in which I had my husband and a more obnoxious clone of my husband. It was somehow combined with my weird dreams of Irene's haunted apartment house, that looks more like the apartment that we rented (slum) from Dom way back in the day. Except it has a few more rooms like the mysterious old furniture room, the multiple shower room, and the leaky tub out back of the mysterious old furniture room. I was really annoyed at clone Robert when I woke up, because he kept commenting that I looked worse as the day went on. I kept throwing pieces of soap at his er, naughty bits. Weird.

Nightmares and Dreams

I watched an excellent profile on the serial killer, Michael Ross. For some reason it has fascinated me to understand how someone could be so horrific and evil. I guess part of it is arming myself in case I ever find myself the unwilling "guest" of such a person. I think there is little that could be done, but it's possible a bit of knowing how they work MIGHT save you. Or at least that is what I tell myself when I watch these indepth interviews. Much of this was in Ross's own words, and he was laughing and smiling through most of it. The thing that struck me that he said was "once they caught my eye they were dead." Now he could have been boasting, he was obviously proud of all the horror and sadness that he had caused, and it might be that some that "caught his eye" did escape. A chilling thought nontheless.

So that night, of course, I dreamed we were going on a vacation. We were in an airport, and our flight was delayed. I notice some guy looking over at us. Then this guy seems to be the person to help us put our belongings through the scanner, but he is scamming and takes off with my husband's lap top computer, and we are in hot pursuit. Then my husband becomes my cousin who is slight, just the way Ross liked him. And this guy keeps popping up everywhere we go. he is obviously up to no good and we are scared. It was worse than that, but I am going through this days later, like I hate, and lost some of the detail of the dream.

Dream next night Again me and my husband are going on a trip to Bermuda. We are in an airport but our flight is cancelled. So we need to drive there? Anyway, it's a dream about a fun adventure trying to get there not flying. All the details are somewhat foggy, but I remember that we did make it to the resort.

Thursday Thirteen (13) Elements of A Dream

Okay, I had a bizarre dream last night that had the following elements in it, it was pretty involved and has managed to stick with me this morning:

1. Weekend away with the "girls", all of which were friends in my dream but people I had never seen before.


2. Wilderness setting in a log cabin that I think has been in my dreams before.


3. Rented by the parents of one of the girls that was there so we needed to keep it clean, and clean up well to get the security deposit back.


4. Husband nor dog were with me, but husband appears later on in the dream.


5. I talk to the husband on the phone while peeing on the toilet (something I would never do or feel comfortable doing).


6. I am lazy and do not pick up after myself, and I slack off though start some projects like washing the dishes or doing the laundry (again totally unlike me).


7. I then find a mall in the wilderness (for what reason I don't know) and get lost in it. This part is very much like another reoccurring dream that I have about being lost on a highway, and then lost in a city that looks a lot like Worcester and my car is suddenly gone. The mall looks like the Galleria in Worcester used to look only larger and more opulent.


8. I get back, and I haven't cleaned or packed. Everyone else is ready to go, and I need to stay behind to pack.


9. At some point, I have a dream within my dream about squid aliens that are going to take us out on a raft (apparently we are on an island now), kidnap us, and have their children crawl into and invade our bodies when they get out in the water.


10. When the squid aliens crawl in our eyesockets, it looks like our eyes unless you look closely, and then it's the mouth sucking part of the squid.


11. My husband is there to pick me up before we go on the raft.


12. I try to convince him that we are not to go with the others, and the raft operators dressed in yellow rain jackets because they are the aliens. He is confused.


13. He then falls on the ice (now it's winter on the water, and a glacier) and is knocked unconcisious, and the aliens take this opportunity to drag him on the raft, and grab me screaming.

The End.

Disturbing Dream

First of all, I am awake at 2:00 AM due to a thunder storm, and two dogs who hate thunder storms. One who can't hear it any more as she is 14, but knows very well what those flashing lights are and is now burrowed deep in my closet somewhere.

The other youngster, who has learned by watching her to be very afraid of the boom booms. Got them to both quiet down in a reasonable time frame, but now I am wide awake AND HUNGRY.

I digress. Anyway, I was having a very disturbing dream which was even more so waking up to thunder booms. We were in my grandmothers house (since sold and family occupied by the way). She was dead and gone, and it was completely empty except for some (imaginary as she never owned these things) last pieces of furniture that were either up for dispute or not wanted.

Have no idea why me or the husband were there in the house. The house felt different though. Dead is the word that came to mind when I woke up. The house felt cold and dead. Haunted not by my warm grandparents but by something else. Very creepy feeling although nothing officially happened in the dream. It was more about feeling creeped out.

Freaky Friday

Two weird and freaky dreams lately, one which is a repeater:

Dream One: Husband looses his sheep like curls and becomes bald. Actually I find the bald and shaved look rather hot, never do a comb over. I digress. But when hubby becomes bald, what happens is he has this huge scoop out of his head. Not an open wound or anything but this enormous dent that we never knew was there before.

Dream Two: This one has been repeating in a couple of forms. Constant is that it is a family reunion of sorts, different family members in each, and none of them very closely related (cousins, aunts, that sort of thing). So the other nights involved traveling, boats, sinking, swimming, ocean.....alll gumbled together. No real plot that I remember.

I kind of lump this in with a highway dream that I have been having, where I am traveling to a relatives and then home. I get lost or the highway is weird with a mind of it's own.

Also one of a family reunion in Disney world. Getting lost in a fun park.

And there has also been one where the family is traveling to an exotic location, and there is an ocean where high tide always comes and we are trapped while swimming, but we aren't worried and it's kind of cool.

I don't know, this repeater seems the same but it comes in many forms.

Dreams

This is all going to be jumbled as I had dreams last night that I don't want to loose AND a certain thought sequence that came to me.

Dream 1 My mother and I reconcile. She is different than she currently is, and we end up sleeping cuddled up on a couch happy. I hate that dream because it's nowhere close to reality, and I am angry that I would even "want" subconsciously that result. Mostly awake, it makes me angry at myself for being vulnerable to it.

(they are dissappearing fast)

Dream 2 I am in my old first apartment at U Lowell, but me and my husband have just moved there. (why for the love of God) I see old friends there, and wonder why it was that we have moved into this God awful ugly place. Just to let you know, the walls were a dark dark ugly forest green. My other friends moved in after I vacated, and they repainted it to an equally hienous color later on.

Dream 3 Again U Lowell, I come across my old flute teacher (she plays in both the BOS and POPS) She is just playing in a trio, and it's beautiful. I start crying because that's what I am not doing. In actuality, while I did love music, I always hated playing in front of people . Nor promising for the career of a performance artist LOL. Also, I have always realized that the reason that I did not excel during that period of time is that it wasn't the most important thing that I wanted. I wanted my independence more imporantly. If I had worked my ever loving butt off, which there was NOTHING holding me back from doing, I could have done something with it. Obviously I did not want it enough to do that. Also, had I not needed to leave college before they booted me out themselves , I would have never met my husband, and THAT is a huge part of my life that I would never have wanted to miss.

Never Really Had Dreams of My Family Before

I have never really had dreams about my family before. They aren't too frequent now, and they seem to gather around the holidays in particular around or after Christmas and Father's Day. I don't think I ever remember having one about my mother, though I am sure I must have and forgotten it. It's difficult to "keep" the dreams once you wake up. For instance, I know I had at least two last night (one unrelated to my family) but I remember only the one now though both seemed crystal clear before I hit the snooze button this morning.

This is kind of a recurring house dream (see now I remember sometimes my mother is in this dream). I can't remember if it was my mother or my step that we are vacationing with. Robert and I are young in this dream, and this is a house that only exists in my imagination (it does not resemble any house I have ever been). It's a cozy warm cottage that is sometimes on a farm, and other times on the sea. When it's on the sea, it has this neat white building that is huge, all windows, and kind of looks like a couple stories of a huge artists studio inside. I am always wanting to make that into my home rather than being in the other house with my mother, father, or step monster. The house always has this neat attic with antiques and bits and pieces of our family history that I have never seen.

In this dream, my father is being very controlling of where I go and what I do. Kind of weird, because later on in life we would visit him at his summer house, and he would pretty much leave us alone. Kind of like he was uninterested in me completely. In this dream he is being obnoxious, and tickling me (never did that to me since I was a toddler) controlling but also joking around too. I kind of like the joking around part, but he's driving me nuts with the controlling, so I tell him we aren't spending our summer vacations there anymore. He's upset and he says, "but if you would only do exactly as I say, we could all be together". You know, not live your own life or (God forbid) have your own ideas, oh and accept abuse that comes from the S monster.

Latest Dream of Christmas & Grandma

Here is my latest dream which I am logging on this blog, as it is relevant to the estrangement. It's Christmas Eve, and we are at my grandmother's house (haven't had a Xmas Eve part for over 15 years now there). My grandmother is dead, but she keeps coming in and out of the celebration. Not like she is a ghost or dead, but I know she is dead. I am expecting she is going to ream me for my estrangement from my dad. She doesn't, and he is there.

He has brought presents for me, but I am not interested in them nor talking to him. I mean I am not "not talking" to him, but it's superficial only like "hi" or "merry Xmas", and then I keep my distance from him and the step.

I am helping my cousins dress the tree, and I keep breaking these "heirloom" ornaments. There are new ones there like the magic hallmark ornaments but unbelievable and almost toy sized. There was one that was like an aquarium museum with a seal in it that bowled. If he didn't do it right, an alligator came up and ate him. It was a pretty wild ornament.

So this is what I get from this dream, and anyone else please feel free to comment. We had certain traditions as a family that meant we were a "happy" family. As long as we had Christmas Eve, we all showed up and exchanged presents, well then whatever else went on during the year did not matter. It's interesting that I would fully expect that my grandmother would scold me and be horribly disappointed in me, but she makes no comment in the dream. This is something that I could never imagine her not doing. She has surprised me in the past though, and it's probably my subconscious hoping that if she sees me from where she is, that she finally understands my decision and circumstance. In a Roman Catholic family it IS NEVER alright to disobey your parents never mind completely cut them out of your life.

This is kind of related to another dream that I posted in error to my other blog. It's regarding not talking to my dad, but he wants to come drop off presents. I am not interested in the presents, and plus it's weeks after Christmas. Then he wants to bring over my birthday present too, and it's six months after that. I remain uninterested in seeing him or getting the presents.

It's very much about this superficialness to our family. Really outright lying on my father's part that everything is fine "see I bought her presents, what else would she need?"

Dream Last Night

I wrote about this dream I had last night in my happy blog. Until I got to the last sentence and a detail I almost omitted, I didn't see any significance to this dream. That is other than my young tenant just went into service for the next few months.

In the dream, I am getting ready to go on a military plane by packing at home, as if it's no big deal. I remember saying by to my dogs and husband and being picked up. (most of the dream is forgotten this morning). So I get to the plane, and find I have packed two knap sacks instead of one. (here's the detail I almost omitted) They are locked together with your typical locker lock, so I can't simply toss this excess baggage aside.

Hmmmm, excess baggage that I can't seem to get rid of. What could that be. I don't put a lot of stock in dreams, but I do find them interesting. Especially to log if you can remember them. I have had plenty fo bizarre dreams that were never logged. However, I did have two dreams earlier about my father that is very telling.

http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2006/04/dream-of-tony-and-house-of-1000.html

http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2006/01/bad-dream-last-night.html

Dream of Tony and House of 1000 Corpses

These are two seperate dreams by the way on two seperate nights (full length features the both of them). I have been having nightmares galore lately. Could be from seeing Saw II finally, but was not overly impressed.

Dream 1:

Grandma Caputo just died. I go over the house to help dad and the bitch, when they didn't want me over to help, they plan to keep me there and poison me. They are hoping that their names are somewhere on my life insurance policy. Course where Robert is in the dream, and if they are planning on killing him too, I don't remember. No mystery what this dream means to me. Dad is a materialistic ass, and Betty Ann is even worse. People mean far less to them than money.

Dream 2:

I am stuck in the movie House of 1000 Corpses, I don't think this during the dream, but all the characters (bad guys and girls) are the same as the first movie. I am a really pretty girl of color (only part of the dream that is good, I have this amazing long curly black glossy hair). In the first dream sequence I am killed in a gory way right away (don't remember----think I blocked it out----I am sure I am not at a loss for images after Saw II). In each dream instead of being chase through the house and the caverns underneath, I am chased through the town where conveniently (or very inconveniently for me) everyone is friends with this family even when they appear to be trying to help you. Course the whole family also works in mundane jobs in the town, so you are likely to be spotted very quick, and then hunted down by the Dr Satan goons who ride a battered old VW van that's been scorched and banged up a bit.Then my parallel universe me gets to try again, I live longer, but in the end everyone is dead. There is a pack of people that I don't know that I am trapped with, but everyone is killed so quickly we don't get so well acquainted.Despite how it might sound now, I am terrified through the whole dream. Especially when they kill my dogs Jazz and Leon, who are mother and baby tiger pets of mine.Whooo boy, huh? No idea what this dream means except I probably watch way too many horror movies.

Bad Dream Last Night

Not part of the dream, but late last night I received an e-mail frommy father, basically using the all too oft used referencing of me tohis ex-wife, my mother, and then going after me for daring to tellmy step-mother that her behavior at the funeral was unwelcome, andin the future if she comes unwanted and uninvited to events, sheshould act like an adult.Although I have suspended contact and a relationship with him, hethen listed our rules including how to address an envelope so mystep was included, even though the next rule was to not send anycorrespondence to her. They only got a Christmas card (wellactually only my dad, because I felt it was well known that I wasnot wishing the step a Merry Xmas) from me as the onlycorrespondence, and I am thinking it's pretty clear right now thatthey need to worry hearing from me at all, as I have cut out allcontact. The only reason the Christmas card was sent (and none wassent to me by my dad by the way) was since the door was ajar so tospeak, I wanted to be respectful and not leave him out.Any way, we are getting to the dream that followed. So any way, Ihave in fact officially cut off all contact from him, because thisis ridicoulous, and I don't have time for people who have to show upat a funeral to publically make a point and then make up rules foraddressing an envelope instead of apologizing profusely for theirbehavior.So in the dream, (it's a dream I have had many variations of butnever with anyone else) my molars are suddenly loose. They arekind of falling out, and I am fearing choking. So I ask my fatherfor help. He dashes out and gets a wrench, steps on my face, andstarts wrenching out my teeth (all my teeth not just the molars).I am just letting him do it!!! And in the dream, I am sick atmyself for allowing this.I woke up at like 3am and just couldn't go to sleep. As is typicalwith the toothy dreams. I just had to get that out somewhere, andcouldn't bear to write it on my more positive private postings.Ugh, see this is one of those moments when you here from someone,but it's not a blip in your day, it brings your whole day (and inthis case night) to hell.