Monday, September 29, 2008


I had two dreams recently about the E Donor. I can only remember one clearly now, but the other was in the same area.

I am visiting her where she lives. It's cold and rainy out. I am sick with a cough. My plane leaves for home in a few hours, and I want to go lie down. However, she won't let me, as she works outside on things she is interested. She doesn't pay attention to me or talk to me, just wants me outside to admire her, until the last minute.
The weird thing was she was working with horses outside. As far as I know, my E Donor never had any strong feelings towards horses, but I have been interested in horses. However, because she was showing an interest or because I felt so sick, I was going to be damned if I got up and checked it out.
I think this relates to how I would feel when I would go visit her. She wanted to do things with me that she thought I would enjoy, as she did, but they were things that I did not want ruined by her company. They had become private things to me. It's just the way I felt. I would not want to go see the symphony with a complete stranger who would whisper in the middle of everything "how great it was just being us" (ie leaving my husband who didn't like some things somewhere else, though he would have come) and how great this "intellectual" diversion was. It was just something I enjoyed on my own, and part of that enjoyment was not having it ruined that way, by someone who would not even understand how or why I enjoyed it. But instead wanted that enjoyment to be a reflection on them, on how they raised such a diverse child or what not.

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