Sunday, September 14, 2008

Physically Abusive Men

You know, I never attracted abusive men. I am not saying that like it's a bad thing. It's a great thing. I scared them, whether it was in business or in college.

I believe the reason for this was the vibes I gave off. The reason for the vibes that I gave off was because of the S Donor that I had. He wasn't physically abusive, but he was pretty darned abusive to his wife and daughter in other ways. He would dispute this, but it's true. A couple of times he threatened physical abuse by things such as smashing a chair next to me, which he writes off as a father and daughter having a "heated argument". Wonder what that story would be if I threw the chair at him???? That is not what happened however, as I did not want to demean or intimidate anyone. I just wanted to live MY life.

It's a power play on these "men's" parts as they are so inferior and sad. As a young woman, and thanks to this, I already was quite aware (though not consciously) of what I would NOT be putting up with. Truth be told, I figured I would never marry. It did not seem that attractive to me, at least in the context of the donor's marriage. Apparently I thought being married would mean putting up with this in the end.

It never occurred to me until many years later, that a marriage could be quite different. Also that you need to stand on your own, even when you have the most amazing marriage. It's a partnership not a caretakership. Many of the men in my family of orgin (not considering them my actual family) and my husband's family (I don't know how he came out different) think that a wife cooks, cleans, runs errands, and does the laundry. Basically they are the cook and the maid. As charming as all that sounds, I never got why I would need to or want to be that way. Nevermind and be abused for it!! I don't know how I got these ideas, as apparently my E Donor is quite helpless in the world. "If it wasn't for my new husband, I wouldn't have been able to do this". "I couldn't do this because of my ex husband". What? Huh?

In a way I am grateful that my upbringing made some of these pitfalls a non-issue for me. Thanks guys for showing me what I did NOT ever want for myself. I even realized that just because a sperm and an egg joined, I did not have to live with your abuse either:)


Anonymous said...

I just found this from "Narcissists Suck". I had this exact same experience. I even sometimes questioned if I was really abused b/c I did not take the next natural step of repeating the cycle. But I did finally realize that I just had a very clear picture of what I did NOT want. I ended up not dating very much at all before I met my wonderful husband (I was 30). He is a flawed human being like me and everyone else, but he does understand and act like we are EQUAL human beings!

winterskibunny said...

I will have to check out Narcissists Suck LOL.

People who do not, IMO, do so because they know deep down that they need to put others down so they can feel superior. Money, education, clothes, material items, their car, et all become the "them" that they want to project.

In my S Donors case, it's all so very shallow, you wonder if there is anything human under there at all!! He's more upset about the appearance of having a daughter not talk to him, or what she might be saying, than anything else.