Everybody Dies

I have not written a poem for a long time:

EVERYBODY DIES

-dedicated to Anthony J Caputo 1946-2026 of Shrewsbury, MA, Bettyann Caputo of Shrewsbury, MA, and Coldwell Banker Realty, Andrew Reck of Wayland Ma and Oakhill Architects for your participation during very painful times.  You won.

"Everybody dies." 

Explaining his selfishness

Placating the other half

Ignoring pain

Was it cowardice

Lack of empathy

Was it so hard

To accept no

Walking away wasn't hard

After the gaslighting

It was recognized

I was done

The sun comes out today

I know what I wanted

Was impossible

"Everybody dies."

October 1946 to March 2026

Yesterday or the day before, SD died.  If you read the "Angry Eulogy" on this blog about my family estrangement, that might have been apparent. I  jotted that down in the hours I found out to try to release the emotion I was feeling, which was anger.  Then I posted it here, as this is the real end.

I am not sure who I was more pissed off at.  I have been really pissed off at the Stepmonster and her spawn, the son SD most likely always wanted.  Let me be clear, the estrangement was not their fault, but they have been horrible people to me in the past.  They certainly had no problem piling on in the Stepmonsters case at any weakness, and the Step Spawn's case to join in. 

Then hearing the spawn's excuse of not calling me, that "he did not have my contact info" just reminded me what sniveling cowards they are.  I definitely had renewed anger at them upon learning this.  They were right to be scared or ashamed to call me because it would probably not be pleasant.  I have pulled up my big girl pants when I did not particularly want to reach out on their behalf at least a few times before the estrangement.  Their continued cowardice makes me pissed off yet again that they can not be decent people.

I have wondered in the past whether SD tried to contact me if I would respond. The general answer is no.  If it had been the same old conditions and disrespect of my boundaries, I would definitely not have engaged. 

What if he needed help for some reason and there was no one else to look out for him?  I don't owe him anything, and interacting with him would be just like it used to be.  Any generosity on my part most likely would be abused.  I may have reached out as I questioned my sanity.  I really do not know.  

Oddly, I did find a text from the SD only by sending out a condolence.   It popped up, and I had not seen it.  I have my phone on do not disturb, and not too many people contact me through text.  In fact, only my husband does, and it is through fb messenger.  So I was not looking for texts, scouring through my texts, or paying any attention to them.  

The text message told me how he died 3 weeks later.  Pancreatic cancer had taken hold and he was warning me that it is genetic and to get screening early.  I thank him for that and will update my doctor accordingly.

Was I mad at him?  I have to tell you that most of my reflections on our relationship were not happy, and if I think about them too much, I feel much anger. This is why I dealt with those feelings previously and had not been dwelling on them for a while now.

 On my 16th (actually probably 17 or 18 as the separation between my parents had started), my SD brought my best friend and me out to a fancy dinner somewhere and had gotten Duran Duran tickets for both of us.  That is probably the best memory I can think of.  It was unexpected, and I did not think he paid attention to what music I liked.  That was a nice thing to feel in that period of time.

I don't really know what I would have done had I gotten that message when it was sent.  I may have texted back and wished him a speedy recovery if it were possible.  A "last conversation" would have most likely been unpleasant for both of us, so I probably would not have called, so he could be upset as he was fighting this or having his final days.  It's been 20 years since he has not been part of my life.  I don't see the point, but I don't know what I would have done if he had asked.

The arrangements and dealing with his death are with his chosen family.  The question of how I would feel when the time comes has now been answered.  I hope he was not afraid at the end, and I hope Gram greeted him, though I am agnostic.  Agnostic means to me that you don't know and don't pretend to know the answers of the universe. My grandmother was a staunch Roman Catholic.  All the same, I hope a part of our soul is a real thing and that you can be reunited with those you loved when you pass.  The thought of a black hole of nothing is disturbing, which a friend who passed believed.  I do not believe anything having to do with organized religion that IMHO people use as a way to control others and justify violence towards others.  So I don't picture pearly gates, a white-bearded God, Jesus, or the warmer option.  

When my grandmother passed, I drove to her old home to reflect under the boysenberry tree after her funeral.  On the way there, I distinctly smelled my grandmother's perfume.  When my cat Clyde died, I went home bawling, and I suddenly heard his loud purr, which used to wake me up in the morning. When my grandfather died, a music box played a bit, and I thought I felt someone lightly pull my ponytail.  At evertime someone or an animal close to me died, I have not had those experiences.  I don't believe they were my imagination or a way to cope, but who knows. I hope those show that we are all still around in one form or the other and able to connect later if that is desired.

RIP and safe journeys 

MY ANGRY EULOGY

In the over 20 years I have not spoken to [REDACTED] face-to-face or on the phone, I have not once regretted it. It was a long time coming. The relationship was a thousand cuts: being reminded I was the accident and the black sheep of the family.  

The [REDACTED] (except Joshua, who died far too young), very much including the evil cunt spermy married, were not the cause of the rift per se. [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] just got what they always wanted and sped it up. So "fuck you" or "thank you," I am not sure which. Sorry for your loss, though you miserable pieces of shit, even though you probably hated each other at the end.  

My Sperm Donor lived the life he wanted, miserable or not. I am glad that he and his brother, Uncle [REDACTED], may have reconciled at the end, alive and now in death. Not completely sure what caused their rift for a while, but they were [REDACTED], though I have more fondness for [REDACTED] than I do the miserable POS sperm donor. I am sure the sperm donor has felt the same. May he rest in peace, having lived as he deserved, wanted, and designed.

Let me extol Spermy's virtues:

1. Racist

2. Racist and responsible, as an educator, for children

3. Mysogonist, though apparently not MAGA

4. Almost always broke promises to me. I can't recall any promises that were kept.

5. Cared more about appearances than anything else

6. Only valued occupations of me or his step children that would make HIM or the STEPMONSTER look good, NOT WHAT MADE ANYONE HAPPY

7. Never failed to take advantage of me and never reciprocated

8. Emotionally abusive to me pre the estrangement

9. Repeatedly tried to put a rift between me and my grandmother and possibly my grandfather

10. Not telling me my grandfather had cancer while I was in college

11. Cared more for material things than people 

12. Looked at animals and pets as disposable 

13.  Homophobic

14.  How he agreed with the step monster not to include my grandmother at their hosted Christmas on the last year she was alive, and instead left her alone at the nursing home (I should have left when I found that put and driven directly to my grandmother, I regret this very much)

May SD rest in peace, having lived as he deserved and designed himself.

(Sorry, Grandma, I hope you greeted them both in Heaven) Had I agreed to a last conversation with Spermy, it would not have gone well for either of us. Spermy's death does not change what a flaming piece of shit he was in my experience.  I hope the others were affected more positively in "knowing" him.  Spermy had no depth under his mask IMHO.  Knowing and living with him showed a different person under the mask.  He was not physically abusive, but he really could have given 0 $hits about me anyway.  To spend much time with him would be to experience, at least in my case, how little you mattered unless what you did or were reflected on him positively.   Positive things included material things and $$$s.  Not kindness, caring, or his offspring making their own choices and dealing with their own issues in life.  

My husband asked if I felt alone after the SD passing.  Somehow, I felt more alone when he was still here.  I feel less alone somehow now.  Maybe untethered is the word I am looking for.  

This post is not meant to be kind on my part and take of that what you will.  IMHO, SD lived and died in cowardice and lack of real feelings (at least towards the "accident").  I do hope he had the life he wanted and that he was not afraid at the end.  Also, that it happened without pain and with his chosen family.

WTF?

Yes I see that you have been peeking in several times since Lynn's death.   And no, I don't accept your invitation to "connect" on Linked In.

Say it with me "dysfunctional triangulation" yet again.   If I had an interest in "connecting" with you, I would call you, as most normal people would do.   Perhaps write.   Instead of triangulating your messages through relatives or websites.

I DO NOT have any interest in contacting you.   Lynn's death has NOT inspired me to disregard my boundaries or my happiness.

And if we see each other at an event soon, just try to act like a normal human being.  You know "hi" and walk on by.  Not glare, or press up against the redbox distribution center, or scowl, or any of the number of things you usually do.  Unless it is the other one, in which case also just try to act like a human being.  Let me talk to my relatives if I want to without running up and inserting yourself in between as you did at the anniversary party.   Trust me, I have no interest in talking about either of you.

Just going to support the groom and bride.   So please, don't take these as opportunities to do whatever selfish and inconsiderate thing it is that you are tempted to do.  Try just try to be decent one time.   It would be appreciated.

A "Note" From Spermy Over 26 Years Ago

I probably saved this piece of correspondence from Spermy, because:

1. It is probably one of the only written things that I ever got from him (except birthday cards where he would sign his name).
2. It was an apology 26 years ago, and I was probably pretty sure I would never see one again.
3. And I might have actually been naive enough to be touched by the "written sentiment".

Without further ado, this is the note I chose to "cherish" way back when:

On the front is a Boyton cartoon monster with horns, and it says "I'm Sorry" above the monster.   When you open it up it says "I know I've been beastly".

Hand written message says "Dear Robin, Sorry about our phone conversation the other night.   You should know by now (after 18 years) that the best way to get what you want from Dad is to talk it out reasonably.   I hate hearing things like that over the phone.  It is also very hard to hear that you want to live in Lowell instead of home.   It is hard for a father to see his daughter grow up and move away.   I guess when you become a father you'll understand.   Hope to see you soon.   Love, Dad."

Oh, man if only I had the insight to really read this apology at the time.  First of all, realize I lived in Lowell, as that is the college that I was sent to, and I could NOT DRIVE.   So the only way we could speak was either by phone, or dad could have gotten off his ass (before the monster he never came up to see me, and then when the monster came along, he saw me with her----which was like the rest of our relationship, it had to go through her---had she not been an evil selfish woman---which she is---that might have worked out just fine for me) and driven out to see his daughter at college on occasion (rather than to call and bitch her out whenever he did call).

Note the "You should know by now", so the event that he is sorry for is right off the bat my fault (but it warrants the only one of two apologies I have received---the other one saying that I was as bad as my Eggy).  You know all my life as a kid, I was told that I needed to grow up, support myself, and move out ASAP.   That they would Spermy would spend all his money, not save for me, and all my support plus his old age (and subsequent funeral costs) would be my obligation.  

Who knew fulfilling my parents' very request would bring such hostility?   I really don't know what was said, but if the incident with the custom worked heavy wooden chair being smashed beside me when I asked a question when I was home (in a reasonable manner as I assume I talked before this apology was given) DID NOT WARRANT an apology, I can only imagine what Spermy might have said to me.  In any case, it just recedes into to long list of verbal and emotional baggage I got to receive and sift through from him, when things began to become clear to me.

Now my growing up warrants verbal and emotional abuse from my father (all things I can control by the way being born, growing up).   Before being clothed and fed warranted abuse.   Then talk about a Freudian slip "when I am a father I will understand?"  Have I mentioned that Spermy hates woman and girls?   Ah, but he likes other men, especially selfish narcissists like himself, like my dear stepbro (a topic for another post).  Yeah, er Spermy, I never did get to be a "father" first of all because I would need to have a penis and sperm to do that.  Secondly, interesting that you never understood that your "child" would not necessarily have children LOLOL.

Dear Spermy, I am sorry I hurt your feelings by talking about this stuff, BUT YOU ARE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE AND OTHER CHILDREN OF SUCH ASSHOLES SHOULD KNOW THAT OTHERS EXPERIENCE THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR FROM THEIR SPERM OR EGG DONORS.  "Love ya just like you love me", Your Sperm/Egg combo  (sarcasm from the But on, as I know that I just mirrored back what Spermy and Eggy do)

The above written apology by Spermy must have been right around those "good times we were having together" that he wanted me to talk more about.  My instincts were right on by the way, to stay the hell away from "home" hell.   I can not imagine what that would have been like.

Tethered in my Younger Days

In my junior high, high school, and college days, I was so out of touch with my feelings about what was happening around me and to me.   I did not recognize that my anger came from being manipulated, played with, used as a pawn by my donors.   I didn't consciously realize this was going on.   Why would I?

And yes, if you follow the links above, you will find that I had issues in my high school and college days.   Issues that I had acknowledged and apologized for long ago.  Issues that my Donors like to go back to and lovingly stroke and carress as their excuse for continued emotional and verbal abuse of me well into adulthood.   If I had not said no to both of them once (and effectively ended my usefullness to either of them), then this behavior towards me would still continue.   If you read my familial rules below, you will find out that is not allowed (saying no):)  Well yes, the behavior towards me does still continue, but they have effectively been hacked out of my life, so it's just not as effective as it once was (plus I don't feel compelled to fetch them whatever they need on a whim).  (for instance S Donor could not ask to take my collectibles for free so he could gift them to Brett with Monster's name on the card as he used to feel free to do).   Yup, his daughter the handy Hallmark not store but give away, because you were born.

I was "trained" not to realize what was going on.  

"Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time. The difference here is you have built a whole different reality about your life and you have left out all of the good that ever happened to you, and there was good before Rob." well yeah, most likely there were moments in my life that were good, not sure they all included dear old Spermy, however.  See my reality is not real.   Much like when I told him I was happy about his divorce to Eggy, I was wrong about that too (eyes roll).

"What I find interesting about your blog is how you can pass off half-truths as fact."  What I find interesting about Spermy is that he starts off the conversation, but when I answer...he can not finish the conversation.   See that would me listening and then in his case...justifying what a shit he is .

"If this is the only way that we can communicate, I’ll give it a shot. I don’t usually read blogs."  yeah, he gave this about as much of a shot as he gave being an actual parent LOL.  Note the long suffering he will give it a shot, while he does not read such stupid drivel .   I should be happy that Spermy, like Eggy, is so obvious and transparent.   It makes my life and decisions so much easier.   And if you are going to have a parentard like this one, let's hope they are as transparent and not bright enough to just realize they put out their true feelings on the INTERNET.   I mean, I realize mine are out there, but I am not trying to reconcile with anyone.  I am not trying to pretend there is a different story to one group of people, and then call Spermy a piece of shit hoping no one sees that.  No alternate face that I am trying to present.  I wasn't a perfect daughter by the way, but I was pefectly alright as a daughter.   In fact, I think I went above and beyond what I was entitled and duty bound to do.

What was going on was only what my controlling parents confided or told me was going on.   The way I was supposed to think and behave came on their direct orders.   Veering from that course meant being beaten down (not physically but in other ways---see above) until compliance was once again achieved.  Everything that happened to my parents was someone else's fault, including mine.   I was the burden, and the burden was not supposed to speak out.   God forbid!!

From the link above and actually posted on my site by S Donor "Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations," (wow, sorry my error, didn't realize I could have fed and clothed myself when I popped out).   This is right up there with lines like "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you, so how dare you cut me out of your life."   I mean is it such a stretch for a parent to not sexually or physically abuse their child?   Do they give out some kind of award (that I am unaware of) for not sexually or physically abusing your child?   And in my S Donor's case, it is so much more convienent to allow the monster to do it for you anyway.  That way, your hands are never dirty...cause you didn't actually physically abuse your child.

The basic familial rules:

• I will never be able to get along without my "family", specifically my parents.   (I have to say if I take out three letters of this statement, I would be able to agree with this in my specific case).
• Parents can do no wrong, and children can do no right (unless you were following the parents directive, and even then if something went wrong that is the child's fault as well).
• Children need to forget parents wrong doings...not only forget but retell the tale and believe that lie.   Parents can hold anything and everything against a child, especially and including the fact that they were born AND that they needed to feed you and cloth you for the first 18 years of your life.
• Children can never make a mistake, and any mistake made will be unforgivable whether it had anything to do with the parents or not.   Parents can make as many mistakes as they would like, and the child better not even remember that it happened.
• Children will never show or express anger.  EVER NO MATTER WHAT.   Place that mask over the face, which was an accident anyway.   Accidents don't get to express feelings or anger.  Again, parents do get to express anger whether it's directed at the child, but really towards the other spouse.   This is because, again, the child should not be there in the first place.
• THE CHILD WILL NEVER EVER, NOT EVEN WHEN THEY REACH ADULT AGE, EVER SAY TO NO THEIR PARENT.
• Oh, and you will procreate and bring forth grandchildren, or that will be yet another thing that you have done wrong.  I did not experiment with that one to see how my children would be treated by their "loving grandparents".   Other than I expect they would have either been ignored or treated like pawns to deliver messages, similar to the way I was treated.  Or any of the other horror stories that other adult children have told of how their parents treat their children.
• The only people that a child is supposed to pay attention to or grieve for is the parent.   A parent has every right to intrude their needs over a period of grief or sickness for that child or that child's loved ones.

I was supposed to love my place.   I was pulled out when needed for something, and put away on the shelf to get dusty and be ignored until needed again.   Later on in my adulthood, my spouse was also supposed to fill in for the burden that they bore by having me.   He was supposed to be (and was) useful for moving furniture, fixing up their summer house, cleaning out dead relatives homes or apartments, or whatever else was needed work wise, especially since I had wised up to the point where I no longer asked how high when told to jump.  I am all to sure that sadly, other children both still growing and adult have experienced these "rules" and "expectations" that they were born into.

These rules are made to silence and repress.  I was supposed to grow up a healthy willing....slave.   Not a happy healthy adult, but someone willing to come to service on the whims of these people who "loved me".  Silenced and repressed I was until about age 29.   And then again still for the other parent until age 38.  Those are some long, confused, depressing, and angry years that my life waited for me until I grabbed it and dragged it back to me.   Oh yeah, at first I was terrified that my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents would no longer have anything to do with me.   Then I thought, er, these are people you see a few times a year.   (I am not saying that I don't like them or anything, but the reality to cleave on desperately to something that only hurts and diminishes you so you could see people on Christmas maybe?)  Some of them still cleave onto the same or similar familial rules that I hung onto.

What is really too bad was that in college, I knew what I needed to do.  If anyone is 18, in the same situation, and reading this....moving out on your own and finding your own way very well may prevent a lot of pain later on.   It may even repair the relationship (though I am under no illusions in my case that is what would have happened). 

You never do know though.  When I was about to be married at 25, I became very upset that my grandmother did not seem excited and happy for me.   (This will also be in my imprinting post)   I was influenced, unfortunately, by the things my S Donor and E Donor said about my grandmother around me, and had never delved into our relationship on a personal basis.   One might expect that I have a bit of trouble with this and relationships in general.   I am not a trusting person, but I try to be more open minded and occaisionally let someone in.  

Finally, I expressed my dissappointment to my grandmother.  I was angry by that time, and it was not a calm sensible discussion on my end.   My grandmother could have called back (after I hung up on her) and told me that I was totally out of line.   Instead when the phone rang, and I picked it up (I had probably thought about not picking it up) the first words that I heard were "I am sorry".   I realized then that I did not know my grandmother at all, and was instead reflecting back what others were imprinting on me about others.   If I had been closer to my grandmother at that point, I could have probably undone some of the damage that my S Donor and Monster made on my grandparents and my relationship.   They certaintly went on a smear campaign, and intentionally went after my relationships so that I would have no one (a very common strategy for these type of people).  

In growing up, loosing relatives and friends, (talking to some of them towards the end) I realized that not being truthful and honest about how you feel DOES NOT AND NEVER WILL HEAL A RELATIONSHIP.   Now it's one thing if someone consciously and knowing chooses to have a superficial relationship, and makes that decision knowing how or if it affects them and their life.   I think it's another to internally hold a grudge and anger until it's too late, and that person did not have a chance to prove you wrong.  I feel this is what happened with my aunt and my grandmother.   There was a lot of anger there, but "duty" kept it from ever being discussed or resolved.  Those familial rules, and I would like to believe that my aunt might have been surprised at the true spirit of my grandmother.   Then again, my grandmother might have been someone else towards her.

This is another thing that "family" or "relatives" have a hard time understanding.  The drinking eating man or woman with the smile on their face is never seen turning the corner and whispering into someone's ear unsavory details about the people they don't like. They missed the monster laughing at my grandmother because she spilled some cookie crumbs on the floor.   They miss the mean spirited smirk when they turn their back.  I don't think my S Donor has the capacity to love or like anyone.   The moment those people are not useful to him, they are out.   This is why his family situation right now is idyllic for him (talking immediate step monster, stepbro), because he is surrounded by others who are very very similar to him.   And thank goodness they found each other instead of unsuspecting other people....again.   They have already spread around their share of strife and unhappiness to those who accidentally stepped on their path.

The great thing is that for almost 6 years now, all tethers have been broken.   I have found myself, and my strength to make my own imperfect relationships and try for more in my life.   I have realized that I deserve more than what some people wanted to burden me with (my mistake in being born).  The consistency of my donors allows those tethers to remain severed, and for me to enjoy the rest of my life.  Still getting over this sure...but realizing the road is right and the paving gets better and better.

Well If Nothing Else Spermy is CONSISTENTLY a Dickhead

I love consistency.  I use it very much in dog training, as the communication is so much more clear.   "Loving" and oh "so sorry" Spermy went to the local flea market today.   Obviously, NOT realizing that we set up there every week or so.

I was at home waiting for some dog owners, when on the phone with hubby, he said that he saw Spermy poking about.   Now Robert has lost sixty pounds, and is at a weight that perhaps Spermy never saw him at before.   Course we have had the bright yellow Nissan with my company name on it for sometime, but I am guessing that I genetically have the lack of observation from Spermy.   Another proof that as mystifying as it is, we apparently are related and this was no mistake (no switched babies at the hospital sadly enough for me).

I had thought Spermy McHasPutOnThePoundsandisStillaMiserableSonofaBitch would probably be gone by the time I got there.  But of course husband made me look and see him by pointing.  Now it's one thing to treat me like shit on a stick (after all I ruined his life not only by being born, but talking about the unacknowledged truth of my childhood and adult life with Spermy),

My husband tells me Spermy McShitHead actually wandered into our booth.   Looked around at things (now I have always been into Snoopy, Barbie, and Tea), which really should have rung a bell in his brain, which has apparently not expanded as much as his girth (yeah, good luck stepbro with taking care of the old folks, as they are certainly not going to make it easy for you).  Then, according to Robert's report, their eyes meet.   Robert makes a smile.   Spermy squints and then grimaces at him.

Oh sorry, was it Robert badgering you while your mother was dying about whether his wife should sell their house or not?  Oh maybe it was Robert calling your spouse to turn her on you?  No that F wad was him.  If anyone should be grimaced at JackOFF, it should be him.  

I should really thank him though for consistently being the total piece of shit that he is.  

How Some of The Rest of My Family "Works"

My father's siblings seem to have a "similar" condition in their relationships as my father has.   One actually does seem to have a close relationship with two of their children (of the three).  The other does not seem to notice that their relationship is a bit strained with all three of their children.   With other people (like offspring) their relationships are very superficial.   Basically seeing these people a few times a year, but able to bring up the "family" card while not knowing these people at all.

When my step monster woke me up from a sound sleep with a slap (because Spermy said to go to sleep, he would do the dishes, but when she came home the dishes were not done), Eggy called one of the siblings thinking that they would give support.   What happened was I was called up, and told this was not that bad.   Oh,okay, let me drop by your house one night, walk into your bedroom while you are sleeping, and slap you across the face.   Or perhaps welcome you back into your childhood home by standing at the top of the stairs screaming "you are not letting that bitch into my home".   Then you can live everyday like that, without any money or escape, and see how comfortable your life is as you figure out how to get back out of it.

Spermy's siblings were supposed to be my "God Parents" by the way.   Yeah, I felt really safe and loved.   So here is a message that I send one of Spermy's siblings spouse (ie my aunt or uncle by marriage), who reached out not to me (and hasn't ever bothered to talk to me about this or reach out and find out if I am okay ever and this has been going on for six years) but on Spermy's "behalf" (not that he has shown any interest).

I never got any response from this message sent November 2010 (surprising as they were all interested in reaching out via third party) from this "relative".   Relationships in this family as about as deep as the width of an atom.  Why bother?  

• D,
  
  I had a nice talk with R yesterday. I thought it only fair that I drop you a line as well. Decisions that I make in my adult life have not been made easily and not without some pain. I know you are thinking of this from what you percieve Spermy's side may be or as you yourself would as a father. I further know that since you don't know me at all, you are not going to be able to understand what it's like to be me.
  However, I am a person with feelings, and it does hurt to get a message sent to me through another person that I am close to. R felt they had to talk to my cousin about this, but this is not my cousin's fault or problem.   My cousin spends time coming here, getting to know me, and we have a good time and discussions about personal and painful things that are private.
  I know that you and R identify yourself as my "family". As so, it would have been more appropriate for you to have picked up the phone and talked to me yourself. I would have probably told you it was a private matter, and that's okay. Had we more time together, or an interest in me as a person rather than the offspring of someone you are fond of, we could have possibly had a deeper conversation.
  The point is, that it hurts for me. No, I do not want a relationship with Spermy. For me a relationship or family is one that spends time and genuine interest in me. It is not someone I see five holidays out of the year, but whom thinks it;s okay to be abusive towards me any other day. I think Spermy can live without the two hours of conversation that we would have during the year. I did try at one time to have one on one time, but that was not what he was interested in. That's fine, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.
  When I mentioned I was in a "good place" to R, they said something like "we are happy for all the things that you have", which is kind of a weird thing to say. What I have is people who love and support me. Life is fleeting and short, and I intend to spend that time with people who love me and I love them.
  Tradition and "should does" do not mean much to me when they are not meant with true feeling and purpose. Please remember that I am a human being who has gone through some very painful stuff in her life. I don't appreciate these awful memories being sprung on me around the holidays, and if you wish to do that you should at least do it with me in person.
  
  I hope you understand. I hope that this does not make you feel bad, but it is something I had to say.

A Couple of Other Terms and Where I Am

Blame (for me)-I have a good life, so there is nothing to blame anyone for.   In any case, it has been my life based on my decisions, values, conscience and responsibility.  I neither blame my parents for my adult life, NOR give them credit for my adult life.  It's been earned, bought and paid for by me and no one else.

NOTE:   I have to say that I blame the male donor for infiltrating negative things to my grandparents about me.   It's like from an early age, perhaps he was envious that I had the relationship that he never accomplished with them.   Even with my aunts and uncles (not that these are great people by any means), he actively sought to distance them from me before I was even grown up or estrangement even reared it's head.

***Alright, now I am going to have to make a note to blog on imprinting on young and impressionable minds.   I remember having a lot of baggage about my grandmother, but then I think back to what my parents were saying about her to me.   I never showed it, but it was clear that grandma's place, according to my parents, was a horrible place to go.  Perhaps it was for them, but I realize now all those negative things began to slant how I perceived grandma and her place to be.    I feel robbed of what could have been a deeper relationship.   It wasn't until my wedding in 1991 when I got really upset with her, that we had a talk that truly changed our relationship for the better.   I wonder what would have happened if all that negativity about her hadn't been fed to me on such a constant basis and also the reverse----if the things my father said to her had not been used to influence her.   I am never going to know.   It feels like at least with my grandparents (my aunts and uncles seem about as capable of giving a shit as Spermy) something was diminished for me deliberately and with a plan of action.  I must admit, that I have trouble letting go of that, BUT it's been a newer thought of recent.   It came up (and this is the separate post that I needed to do) when discussing an event that inadvertently changed the way a friend feels about hugging or touching.   It just happened at that young age, and no one did anything wrong.   But in talking to her about how this phobia is probably traceable to that event, it brought up things in my life that were probably imprinted early on.

Blame (for the donors)-ER see the quote below that Spermy left on this blog:

"Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations, buy his daughter pets, paying for college tuition, until you flunked out for the third time, etc. Not the best dad I admit"  ***one might wonder where the Father of The Century Plaque and Trophy went, as I am quite sure that he never received it.

One, I guess he did not get the memo that children require care, and families require care which usually includes working.   Somehow I get the feeling that I am being blamed for his having to work, and then sucking up the money by being the "accidental" child.  BTW I have had multiple jobs without having a child.  Spermy was a teacher with the summers off, and this is when he did his "second job", which did NOT go on for most of his life. 

It would be like me complaining that he wasn't a doctor and I couldn't have the privileged life and stuff that I wanted.  So very glad he put that in writing.   He mentioned recently that he does not believe in face book to a relative.   Yeah, I wouldn't want shit like that out there about me either, especially if I was stupid enough to write it myself (while trying to convince my offspring to reconcile with me).   Or have the pretense of it anyway for appearance sake.

Some families, and I know this is crazy talk, enjoy going on family vacations together.  And he says this like we did this after I was aged five.   We did not.   I also didn't realize what really horrible company I must have been on a family vacation.   I only know that at age five, I was not asking them to rent a house for me on the Cape (eyes roll).

College, I flunked out twice, and paid for all of it.  I apologized (I am not sure why now) repeatedly for this offense that had nothing to do with him, as he did not full fill the divorce financial obligations, which is why I felt forced to go to college right away in the first place.   No one was interested on where I went, what I was doing and getting out of it.   I was just a pawn in divorce proceedings.   But once I did what I knew was right, which was to take a couple years off and work, it all fit into place, and I put myself through college again.   I graduated Magna Cum Laude by the way with a 3.5.

I am pretty sure that I am to blame for the state his marriage was in, for the miserableness of his life, and the reason why people may be questioning his "way" his own offspring.

My mother definitely blames me for our estrangement.   My taking out of context, lies, and the ability not to be able to read what she writes in black and white---all according to her my fault for the estrangement.   Not to mention that I was the one to make it a final thing.   How dare I?  Since it was infinitely discussed with me that I was "the accident" by her, I can only imagine how far that blame goes down the pike.  I have felt it my whole life, and not known what it was.   Weren't other families like this?

Sort of unrelated but I frequently tell my husband what movies my parents used to take me to when I was quite young.  They were not appropriate for someone of my age, especially the late night ones at the drive in theatres.   I thought it was cool for me back then.   But my husband asked "so they had no one to look after you, so your movie go outs were them just dragging you along to movies that they wanted to see?"   I mean it never even occurred to me that my parents, like parents I see now doing, weren't waiting for a Toy Story to bring me to OR bringing me along to see things that I was requesting.  I was just something to be brought along.   I know I am not explaining it right, it's not the movie part that bothers me.   It's the utter lack of interest that my donors had in their own offspring, and have continued to have....I am only useful to them as an extension of them somehow.


Envy (for me)-I do not envy my donors at all.   They are both possessed of things that are material.   I think they are more of a weight to them for the amount of admiration they seek from other people for their "stuff".  

Envy (from the relatives)I was once surprised that a relative said to me (about me moving to York Maine near the beach) "some of us are going to think *why you?*  Why does she get this and that?"  Such a nice thing to say NOT.  Then just last year, my Aunt said to me "we are all happy for the things that you have Robin".  I was surprised to find me, the black sheep, to be the target of envy.  Not nice envy either but begrudging envy.  

How dare I have made my way successfully to a good place without them?   I am supposed to fail, I am supposed to be human garbage, and for sure I am not allowed to live near the beach.  

Have I mentioned how materialistic and greedy my family is on that side?   They used to split up the grandparents stuff in front of them when they were alive.   Actually in front of all of us.   Nice, huh?   I only wish I had found my voice then so I could let them know how appalling they were acting.   We are talking about an old Italian couple who lived through the Depression and did not come out wealthy or anything remotely like that.

Other Things That Narcs or Socios Do

One way we can a,ll help out others is to highlight our observations and experiences.   People who have not yet realized they are going through this, have no idea that they are in the midst of this.   Confusion, hurt, and despair rain down them, as they wonder what they have done to deserve this treatment.   The sooner that someone may be able to come to the conclusion that it is in fact not them, the sooner the process of healing and decision making can begin.  

Do This and I Will Do That #NOT:  A narcissist can only see from the point of view of their need (or a sociopath if they are more likely to step into the world of the illegal or physical violent).   They can not see that their relatives do things with them or for them in order to spend time with them.  They get the correlation of how to get something from their victim alright.  

They see this as a way to get you to do something.  They assume this is the same for you, so they dangle a carrot.   They do not realize that this carrot is a promise to spend time with you or to do a project, nor do they care.   They see this purely as a means to get you to do something, even if you would have done it with the empty promise of a project to be done on your behalf (you are thinking more of afternoons spent spending time together).

Oh, and when the time comes, whatever it was (cookies you last made with your grandmother and socionarc; the bookcases that you would build together, the door to the outside that you would be taught how to frame), those will not ever be considered as being done with you or for you.   These were just a means to get to their end.

Do They Believe That They Are Roosevelts? (or the use of imagined future assets as another carrot)  Another great trick for control is the "I want to leave you in my will but....."   Course this only works if the victim is very concerned with being left in the will or cares at all.   It particularly does not work if your victim thinks socionarc is entitled to whatever money they can save to themselves, AND further more is quite sure that their assets will remain in the negative.

It would perhaps be a bit more affective if they had a narcissist as a child who saw great potential in their future assets.   Then you would have to hope for a greedy socionarc child for this to be at it's most effective.  

Otherwise, what socionarc is  telling their "beloved sperm or egg" is that you think so little of them, that you feel the need to bribe and control them.  Not fodder for a great bonding experience and relationship.

I Have A Great Opportunity for YOU!  (er no they don't)  "I am doing a run (hahaha, not in my stepmonster's case---a charity lift up where her servants carry her around) for charity, and I have an opportunity for you to donate for me and have great advertising"   Translation "You are my horrible step daughter who does nothing for me, I have found a way to use you and am too lazy to get anyone else to give to this to.   I must always find a way for you to do something for me, so I will pretend this has a benefit to you".

Or you have the opportunity to give your product away at your cost so that your donor or monster can gift this to someone, as they are "supporting your business" NOT in anyway using you as a low cost means of getting gifts.   After all, this produces SO MUCH publicity for you, and you would only be relying on family and friends to drive your business.

***Trying to stay out of the personal realm here, but failing in the latter examples.

What other "great" things have your Narcs or Socios done for or to you that announce "I am a Narc and/or Socio"!!!  "I care not at all for others, and may pretend to care for those who cater to my life being as comfortable as possible without regard for anyone else but me!"

Spousal Abuse

A couple of my favorite blogs talk about the abuse Narcissistic parents can heap upon their adult children's spouses.   I have found this to be true, and to go further, I have found that they will try to get to me through my spouse.   Suddenly, my husband is their besty when they need to get to me.   Luckily we have a solid relationship, and so they are not able to do the damage that they seek.

Mulderfan shares their thoughts in a couple of excellent blog posts that illustrates abuse heaped on her spouse:

Spousal Abuse
Guilt After Spousal Abuse

Upsi also shares how her own mother put Upsi's husband between them!

Destination:  Gaslight Junction (or as I like to think of it, rewriting history to make one the hero of the story)

I think what really pissed me off when either of my donors disrespected, went after, or used my husband was the following "didn't they get enough jollies out of the mistreatment of me"?   I mean really, you see us a couple of times of year, I am being the dutiful daughter and sucking it up, but you need to also do these things to him?  That was unacceptable to me.   It also tells you how lacking in self esteem that I was, that it needed to come to that for me to say "A FUCKING NOUGH ALREADY".

They both tried to use my husband readily enough when the estrangement began, and this is after my female donor had nothing but criticisms to say to me behind his back.   And my male donor felt it appropriate for him and his monster of a wife to call my husband at work, while his mother was dying, for the sole purpose of complaining about me (and in the monster's case to be sure he did not want to list our house through her).

Really, it had to come to that for me to really really see them.   Astonishing, as I am not a stupid person nor normally so willing to have people treat me shabbily.  Just thinking about it, pisses me off all over again.  

I saw a posting on a board that unfortunately describes what I feel for my donors "I despise them, I really do."

Seven Lucky or Unlucky? Hard to Say...

So, for the first time in seven years, we had a year without the death of a beloved family member or friend.   That is a success for sure.

2011 is going well (and still the streak of no dying continues--course it's January).  I did continue 1 week of doing my music, I have to get back to it.   Three dogs are being prepared for competition, and while it is not an acceptable excuse, it is all I got.  In fact, I am going back to practice today.   In just seven days, the performance got better, but I really want to make something happen for Sweetie's (my husband) Valentine's day.  I know he really misses my playing from the old days.   I am also trying to create a Valentine's card in addition.

I see that Spermy visited recently.  Didn't leave a comment, and most likely didn't like what he had to read, oh well.  I am sure he still disagrees with my version of my life and feelings .  He and his wife, in his mind, have been lovely, wonderful, fun, and loving people in their relationship to me.  That is okay, good for him.  Have a nice life, and bah bye.  Why does he still come here?   Does he expect to be regaled with stories about all that "wonderfulness" that was his parenting style?  HAH!  I saw that he read my "Nitty and Gritty" page.  

Yeah, yeah, I did not graduate from U Lowell in my music major, so of course, it was only natural for my father to be emotionally abusive (threaten physical abuse, and support the monster in her actual physical abuse) to his daughter.   Not to mention that I apologized, picked up the bill (when I could have left the loans to him as they were cosigned). Poor Spermy that this is all that his accident did wrong, you know besides become estranged.   And besides having moved in with her now husband to be sure this was the right "forever" relationship.   And besides not wanting the monster to sell my house.    And besides not wanting monster to sell my own house while my mother in law was dying.  But you know:

"Join most of the human race. Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time."

Which interprets to, "Geesh, I could care less that your mother-in-law is dying.  My evil monster of a wife finds it to be an insult that we can't sell YOUR home.  So just buck it up buttercup.   There will be no *oh, whatever you need in your hour of grief* here, only our selfish desires.  Cause afterall, you ARE the accident, and you did not graduate U Lowell, even as you foot the bill.  So our abuse of you is perfectly reasonable and within our right." 

Which I should really thank Spermy for, because I had under estimated what a selfish dickhead he really was (I mean I knew he was a dickhead, but the depths that he would go to for his own comfort were as yet unknown to me).   Er, yeah, so you see I am still improving LOL (if he is going to visit, he is going to be visited upon by my anger at his prickedness).   The "Nitty and Gritty" truth stings a bit, eh?   Course, I had good times beyond that, just ask Spermy.   I am not saying there may not have been a few, especially before I reached the third grade and started to develop my own take on the world, but I am saying that the bad (by far) out weighed the good.  Unless normal people feel that being treated like a pawn in your donor's ongoing drama for most of your life equals "good times".

I so wish that I had acted out more.   My husband had plenty of good times (parties while they were away which ended in some furniture loss) at his house, and although his parents found out, they loved him even still.   He did not graduate from college, and you know what?   His parents still loved him, and made sure he knew it (that does not mean he did not get properly disciplined, but it does mean that they actually took care of him in a loving way).   Perhaps that is not the norm...   However, observation of other people who do not view their children as "accidents" or an extension of their hated ex, tell me differently.  I could have at least gotten away with some real doosey's before I left to justify the donor's future treatment of me.

 I have kept my goal of not visiting Eggy's blog.  I have been able to let go better recently than I have in the past.  Although, even as I write this, just saying that gives me the itchy urge to type in the address, but I won't.  It's like when you know that eating something gives you a short term high, but long term you don't feel as emotionally or physically good.   Yet you do it anyway, just for that short term satisfaction of "knowing".   It's not worth it though, and I have enjoyed not knowing.  It doesn't mean that the morbid curiosity does not still exist, however.   I was improving in the past, but the improvements continue.   The reality that I have all the info that I need on these subjects.  Years and years of info and reality, I really don't need to know anymore.   Time to breathe deep and let it go.

Even beyond my thinking about the estrangement, I think that my communication improves on many levels in business and personal life.   I still find myself getting a little hot and sarcastic on occasion (NO NOT ME and not that this is any great fault) but am able to take a deep breath and reign it in (when it does not involve Spermy or Eggy invasions---and I unfotunately saw that Spermy also went to some of the blogs to the left as well).

We are all just imperfect players in the game of life, but we can always grow, enjoy, and reach out for all that life has to offer us.   I am thinking about someone going through a hard time right now, and you know what?  Someday it will be over, and so don't give up just keep pushing ahead!  Things that seem so important and upsetting one day, dwindle in their power over time, especially when they are really not all that important.  My donor's they just do not amount to anything important in my life.

My Goals for Estrangement Remain the Same

I did a pretty decent job this year keeping EFOO out of my head.   Not perfect mind you, but the number of blog posts for the past three years tell a story.  This year there were three main events that distracted me a bit:

1. My birthday where I found myself on the beach set up near Spermy and Monster.
2. November posting from Eggy where she tried to get my attention, and when she couldn't listed me as a suspect for cyber stealing from her (she took that post down quickly, after e-mail contact from me).
3. December or November when I got a third party inquiry as to when *I* was going to stop the estrangement.   This was sent through a relative that I like a lot and has tried to have a relationship with me from one that has had zero relationship or discussion with me about it.  Hey since they talk to HIM, why not ask him why he doesn't wish to have a relationship with HIS daughter and never has?  Why when he has admitted doing things wrong *I* am supposed to make it alright and comfortable for him?

Anywhoo, those are the things that have distracted me this year.  I think I would have gotten away with having only eight posts this year without them .

So at this point every year, I try and make goals for myself that I intend to keep.   This would be related to other personal goals, but here are my goals in estrangement.

1. To continue to trust and believe that I did the right things for the right reasons OR (to put it another way) to stop having the need to review the evidence and torture myself with it.   I know what I know, and it is what it is.  I can't change them, it, me, the circumstances that brought me here.
2. Not visit my female donor's blog and hence eliminate the very likely possibility that she will try and lure me in by pissing me off (very much related to number one).  Also ignore any other her postings of what she assumes my life is or was that are elsewhere
3. Work on my communication with those people that do love and care for me to the best of my ability.  Try to be more open and reach out more than I do.  I really try to cut out any third party contact and go to the source.   I also try to let people know that I care about them, but I have a hard time putting myself out there or allowing people to get too close.
4. Enjoy everyday that I can.
5. Be more disciplined and consistent with things that I need to do (IE stop procrastinating and getting down when I do) so that I can stop stressing myself out (oh female donor would latch onto this in the old days). 
6. Be thankful for what I have.
7. Let my creativity be something that I do on occasion.
8. Related to seven patience with learning new crafts, and patience with myself while I learn new things.
9. Find fun and active things to do as a family.

So there are my goals most related to healing from family estrangement or promoting the healing of estrangement from family.

Well a once in a year and a half, not too bad progress

In training dogs, I talk a lot to my clients on progress. One should measure progress, track progress, and most of all know to recognize and acknowledge progress.

Sometimes we all fall back, but we should pat ourselves on the back for the challenges we have already conquered. Instead we often put ourselves down for being human. I don't congratulate myself a lot. I am not a boaster of accomplishments. I don't insist that others recognize my accomplishments even if I think they are pretty cool (except in the signature of my business cause that is part of marketing, which I am pretty poor at).

Reading my posts, I give myself the same titles (dumb, pathetic) that I have given my Donors. Once in a while I should give myself a little chuck under the chin, and say "well good job and all, buddy."

So Eggy pulled me in after not being successful for the last year and a half. The attempt to publicly accuse me of a crime, that I know she knows I wouldn't do and strongly suspect was made up in the series of posts (to pull me out of the wood work), did manage to get my very public attention (also an offer to call the Lancaster PA Police or FBI for her). Since then, Eggy wisely took down that post.

I am happy that I don't feel that same need for attention or acceptance from her. I am done, and have been done for 10 or 9 years now. It was stupid to allow her to pull me in with her fiction, and the attempt is pretty obvious. But hey, going without reacting for a year and a half is a pretty stellar accomplishment. People quitting cigarettes don't have it that easy.

It's been since 5/2009 that I have allowed either Donor to annoy me. Except for the post about sharing the beach with Spermy on my birthday this year, I don't think I have directly mentioned my family members.

I remember when these circumstances upset me daily, weekly, and sometimes took chunks of time (weekly) to settle down from them. This time I lasted a year and a half (I wasn't angry with anyone on my birthday post, just talking about having to explain to other family).

So good job. Way to go! It gets better and easier truly it does. I am not kidding when I do say I feel truly grateful that the Egg can not help but post publicly about how she feels about me online. It's a gift to be guilt free about that. Other people have to keep guessing at their donor's intentions, as their thoughts have not been typed out neatly for them. In looking forward to Thanksgiving, I will give thanks that it is very transparent and obvious for me.

Good job to me. When this journey began, I don't think I could have seen the day when this would not have been a constant annoyance to me:) Now off to my day of beach walking, dog training, dog walking, and enjoyment of the company of my husband. I have a pretty magical life, even when things aren't going totally my way:) Karma seems to largely like me.

Hershey Bars and the man that Was Grampa

This will be the last unhappy family story for awhile. It just occurred to me not to long ago (yeah that is how dumb I am, seriously), and this seems an appropriate time to blog about it. With the present and donor connection and all, and what "gifts" can actually mean with my particular donor units.

I had a grandfather on my Egg Donor side. He lived in an apartment, which her rarely left, and drank gambled and smoked cigars all day long. Occasionally he would call up, and if he got me on the phone would detail how he would go about killing himself if Eggy didn't call him back. Yeah, no steps were taken to protect me from this, as Eggy's parents had hurt her much more. So this was my slack to attend to. Spermy didn't think about it one way or the other, I don't think, except possibly how it affected him. Stellar parenting skills my donors had. Which would be forgivable if there were any redeeming qualities about Spermy and Eggy. It was later on brought to my attention, why Eggy did not ever attempt to protect me. I had just assumed that Eggy didn't catch on. Book wise Eggy might have some brains, but common sense wise...or empathy wise.....give me a break. I am lucky I didn't end up as "well attended" to as her beloved cats or our dog Major that made it a whole two years with them...by the way Spermy still allows his dogs to wander off lead and more have gone the way of Major...not to mention the abandoned cats left in the house to fair for themselves when Spermy moved out to enjoy the Monsters company.

Anyway, I was sure because of one thing that Eggy's donor must care about me. It was the Hershey bar packages that he would give me during the holiday visits. It always puzzled me why they smelled like they were marinated in cigars, especially since they came from the refrigerator. So this "man" gives me chocolate---deep down in there he must care about me.

To his credit, at least he wasn't expecting payment for "the gifts" as my donors expected returns (above and beyond reciprocal gifts by the way). It didn't even dawn on me later on, as Eggy tasked us with the clean out and close out of his apartment (I can not describe how totally disgusting this was, and how great my husband and his family were to help out. It was so disgusting, that I wanted nothing to do with what---when cleaned up---was probably some very nice bedroom furniture). There we found stacks and stacks of Hershey bar boxes, just basically warehoused in his apartment (they were thrown away, I mean they must have been their forever....they smelled lack they were marinated in cigars....)

Years later, thinking about presents and what those mean in my "delightful family", it dawned on me. These were tossed at me from a stack as one might give a friendly puppy when one does not want those attentions. Suddenly why this was the one sign of affection made sense, it soooo was not a sign of affection.

Those things hurt later on, even if the person was not worthy of you. You tend to blame yourself for being unlovable.

My Italian grandparents, who no doubt did love me, once gave me a dollhouse. My donors wanted to make an example (because I had another dollhouse), and it would be greedy of me to have to. They were great at giving out these painful lessons, Gosh forbid that I would have two dollhouses. They did not understand (nor did they have the capacity too) that I wanted that dollhouse because my grandparents gave it to me. I did make the wrong choice and kept the other dollhouse that I had since very little to appease the donors. Plus they thought it would be a great collectible later on (as they stored it in the mice infested attic when I grew up). It's okay that the dollhouse is gone, but it is staggering to me that the donors never understood that it was never the material things (that they so worship) that were important to me. It was the one thing that I could never get from them....love, compassion, and empathy.

And I certainly am not looking for it now LOL. Well, at least not from Spermy, Eggy or Monster:) I am provided with what I need from other people who are far better.

On a different note, indirect inquiry from a relative

A relative that makes no attempt to have any sort of relationship with me, sent a message through his offspring (who does) asking this person to talk to me about ending the estrangement with my Sperm Donor.

We were having a nice dinner, and meeting a possible new addition to the family. I think I handled it well. I explained again, that I appreciate that Donor has not contacted me (well since the last inappropriate contact on my blog trying to shame me about college---which he didn't even pay for and which I apologized for more than 20 years ago---sigh) as has been requested by ME. That is unless some very specific changes come about, which includes respecting my boundaries and being to acknowledge my boundaries and that they exist. I believe I said "without a personality transplant, that is unlikely to happen";)

I am not hoping for that by the way. Some of it's funny, some of it's ugly, some of it's painful but I have done a lot of work on myself in the past five years. I have been able to acknowledge who my donors are, and why they do not work in my life. I have been able to face that they do not love or define love in the same way I do, and therefore, per my definition they never loved me. In fact, they seem to feed off hating me and abusing me (verbally and emotionally, and with the Sperm with the threat of hurling a heavy wooden chair at me, before smashing it on the ground, and with the step monster, slapping me out of a sound sleep one day when she didn't realize that Spermy was the one that was supposed to load the dishwasher). It's been all fun and games for them, as I spin and repress and try to make the best out of pleasing them.

That is not my life any more, and I thrive with that. I don't want to go back to that. I have done the work to get over any pathetic need for acceptance from them. I have looked at them, as I would never look at someone I loved, and found their characters and actions wanting. I would say that they had some balls to find so much about me to criticize considering their own white trash lives (and Spermy's penchant for hating women, using the S and N words and seeing nothing wrong with that while not in public---oh and hatred of alternative lifestyles) leave much to be desired.

Glass houses and stones and all of that... And as an excuse for deliberate abuse and hurt, well I don't accept it nor the "shit happens" and "people die so what" in regards to my mother in law. Nice loving empathetic people I come from. But you know, they didn't sexually abuse me and only let other people physically abuse me (or Spermy did anyway). Yeah, don't hold your breath my disinterested relative until you need to stick your big nose indirectly into my business, for the reconciliation. I have reconciled to never have that bastard in my life again, and I have embraced that as a very very good thing:)

I should say this November, that I am thankful that Spermy has kept to himself, and does not regularly post public falsehoods about me. However, I can appreciate that and not want the loser in my life. He has done enough to me, I have put up enough. And as I explained to him when he accused me of being a victim now, I said "nope, I was a victim them until I cut two particular parasites out of my life. now I am happy and usually healthy and not angry." Just keep the fuck away from me including the indirect messages to me, and blog posts about twenty years ago.

My obligations and duties (and payback) have been fulfilled long ago. 39 years work, 18 years of doing things Spermy's way against my better instincts. I am done, I have nothing left to give the donors of myself. That is reserved for people who are deserving and loving, even if they aren't perfect.

And to Spermy "just cause you don't live in a trailer, does not mean you aren't 100% white trash in my book".

My Birthday

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday. It was filled with family who came to us at the house over the weekend and into the week. This would be a great tradition to start every year, as an excuse to get our family up and have fun. My brother in law, niece, and nephew came down. All my nephews and nieces are great. I have five in all. One is all grown with kids of his own, one is close to starting college, one is in his tweens , and two are around nine years old. They are very kind and wonderful young adults and children.

I have a hard time communicating with them and bonding sometimes due to my own upbringing. I am reserved, shy, and not so trusting of those that don't know me real well. It's not that I realistically think I could be hurt by people who are in my family, it's my previous experience with my biological family that holds me back. It took many years until I felt I could have some heart to hearts with my brothers and sister in laws. It was the same with my mother and father in laws. It took forever for me to really be able to open up somewhat, and experience a relationship with them. It took me a very long while to realize we could all disagree with each others opinions, but still like each other. It just did not work like that with the E or S Donor, never mind the B monster.

Not that this is why we became estranged at all, but it sure is the reason that I am not bonded to the people that share my DNA. Thus why I don't feel that there is an overwhelming duty on my part to participate in a relationship that has never been there in the first place. My brother and sister in laws had a very different relationship with their mother and the person that they considered their father. They do also share in the fact that there did exist a man with their DNA, and no relationship existed between them. Mostly because DNA man stepped out and away from his children. He was not a man that deserved his children, however it was not his children who ended the relationship. His children are now wonderful parents (except us of course) to great children. It is a wonder that they came from the same DNA, as this man seemed to have zero parental instincts whatsoever. Although I did hear that he had another family, and I believe the children in the house were also his.

It is unfortunate that my brothers and sister in law had to deal with this in their youth and adult lives. Explaining my estrangement to them is a little easier for it. If their biological father had not existed, they probably would not relate to my experiences at all. The understanding of it is still hard for everybody. My parents in law were great examples of what parenting should and could be. Some find it hard to understand that every parent and child relationship may not follow the same model of love, affection, and support of one another. Unfortunately, the example of such did exist in their own experiences as well.

The whole point of this, is that I have a story to tell about estrangement on my birthday. It was a great birthday, and I almost hate writing about this the day after to sully any part of the memory a wonderful day. It may help someone to realize that they are not going through these experiences alone.

My brother in law, niece, and nephew dropped their car at our house so that my husband could shuttle us off to the beach. Bogey boards, a football, towels, and a beach chair travelled along with us. My niece was very excited to catch the waves for a second day in a row, and excited that I was coming along. My niece is an exuberant energetic pixy of a girl. You can not be shy with her, she doesn't know shy or reserved. You are going to get hugs and kisses, and you will like them LOL. Do not resist. It makes me feel bad that I am shy and reserved with my other nieces and nephews, and that is something I will have to work on. My niece has inspired me.

Anyway, we get to the beach, and pick a spot near the stairs. I do scan to see if the donor or monster is around, and I do not see them. Not that I care really, I just like to know whether or not they are there, so I don't bump into them unexpectedly. I would also not like to set up my chair right next to them, if you know what I mean. As we are walking along the ocean, my phone rings. My husband lets me know that he saw the donor walking up the stairs from there. So most likely, they are set up somewhere near us. No biggy, now I know and am not going to be surprised.

My niece and I start walking back after bogey boarding, and I realize "the man" in the straw hat is in actuality my step monster. The s donor has come back to join them. They are fifty feet away from us, as luck would have it. I am amused to see the monster turn her chair so her back faces towards me, once she realizes that I am there. We just went on with our day. The only difference it made in my day was having to explain to my brother in law why 1) we don't acknowledge each other (and it was more of a vague explanation than the hundreds of reasons why) and 2) why the donor does not try and wish me a happy birthday. You know besides the fact it is the memory of a mistake he made (yeah that would be me) when some seminal fluid leaked up the wrong leg. Plus the fact that I have apparently always reminded him and the monster of the e donor or the fact that there was an e donor in the past.

My birthday is perhaps not nor ever was a day of happiness for my donors, and that is okay. I did not end up being the replicant that the e donor wanted. I did not end up continually paying for the s donor's mistake and knowing my place in the world, as the s donor would have liked. I have gone on, survived, and do what makes me feel happy. I see in their weight and on their faces exactly how happy and fulfilling their lives are. They have what they so richly deserve. It does not make me happy, but if does feel like some kind of justice in the great scheme of things.

In the end the feeling of being near them was the feeling of being near strangers that you somehow just know are not the type of people you wish to or want to know. We have all been strangers for ages anyway. It is just official these days:)

Update on The State of The Union

Thanks for checking in on me, all and recent commenter. I figure I owe an update. This was to become my comic and sarcasm blog, but business has been brisk, good, and keeping me quite busy.

Overall, life is good here. I spend very little brain power on thinking about my family. Husband was in line in the grocery store next to Sperm Donor, and neither said anything to the other. It's as it should be, we are strangers and if we weren't, we wouldn't get along. I don't know how I ended up being so different from my parents, or why they didn't like or love me, as I felt I should be. However, I really have ceased to care or think about it at all. Not my problem LOL.

I am pretty much where I would like to be in my life. I am content and happy. I only wish people and things (that I care about and who actually do care about me)could stop dying on my as life requires that they do. It is one thing that I would change.

We are even all getting healthier here at the household. Go figure when you start to eat well and healthy, you start to feel better physically. Who knew this before? Needed to make an appointment with a nutritionist to figure this out. Heck it got us all on the same page, and amending what we could for our eating. This just stacks the odds that we will grow old and healthy together.

New Bent to The Blog-31 Days Technically Left

Dear Readers,

I hope you don't mind if I change up my blog to something entirely more interesting AND a much better use of my time. This is going to become my satiric humor writing blog. It seems a more appropriate choice, though by my first goal of burying the donors figuratively, I do have 31 days left.

I know that I have had entirely enough on what either of them would have to say about me. At least one of them keeps their mouth as tightly shut as their wife's pursed disapproving lips . The other continues to show the ways in which they can not only not be trusted not to spread my name all over the place, but telling the truth seems, er, a challenge to them. As well as boundaries, and the understanding that someone they had cheated on in marriage most likely prefers to never hear from them again. I know, hard to figure out why that might be:)

I think I have burnt out on sarcastic things to say about that. However, there is plenty more in life that can be commented on I think, and I hate to bog down other avenues that I have to write with this cappola.

In the meantime, bible thumping Gale or BTG as I will refer to her seems a constant visitor now. Interesting.....

It's Not About You Anymore Folks...

98.149.147.# May 1 2009 1:06:42 am 8 28:15

AND

charter.com ? (Commercial)
IP Address 24.183.184.# (CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS)
ISP CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : Massachusetts
City : Worcester
Lat/Long : 42.2647, -71.8089 (Map)

Ah guys aka the donors, you are going to find very little about yourselves here anymore.