Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Seven Lucky or Unlucky? Hard to Say...

So, for the first time in seven years, we had a year without the death of a beloved family member or friend.   That is a success for sure.

2011 is going well (and still the streak of no dying continues--course it's January).  I did continue 1 week of doing my music, I have to get back to it.   Three dogs are being prepared for competition, and while it is not an acceptable excuse, it is all I got.  In fact, I am going back to practice today.   In just seven days, the performance got better, but I really want to make something happen for Sweetie's (my husband) Valentine's day.  I know he really misses my playing from the old days.   I am also trying to create a Valentine's card in addition.

I see that Spermy visited recently.  Didn't leave a comment, and most likely didn't like what he had to read, oh well.  I am sure he still disagrees with my version of my life and feelings .  He and his wife, in his mind, have been lovely, wonderful, fun, and loving people in their relationship to me.  That is okay, good for him.  Have a nice life, and bah bye.  Why does he still come here?   Does he expect to be regaled with stories about all that "wonderfulness" that was his parenting style?  HAH!  I saw that he read my "Nitty and Gritty" page.  

Yeah, yeah, I did not graduate from U Lowell in my music major, so of course, it was only natural for my father to be emotionally abusive (threaten physical abuse, and support the monster in her actual physical abuse) to his daughter.   Not to mention that I apologized, picked up the bill (when I could have left the loans to him as they were cosigned). Poor Spermy that this is all that his accident did wrong, you know besides become estranged.   And besides having moved in with her now husband to be sure this was the right "forever" relationship.   And besides not wanting the monster to sell my house.    And besides not wanting monster to sell my own house while my mother in law was dying.  But you know:

"Join most of the human race. Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time."

Which interprets to, "Geesh, I could care less that your mother-in-law is dying.  My evil monster of a wife finds it to be an insult that we can't sell YOUR home.  So just buck it up buttercup.   There will be no *oh, whatever you need in your hour of grief* here, only our selfish desires.  Cause afterall, you ARE the accident, and you did not graduate U Lowell, even as you foot the bill.  So our abuse of you is perfectly reasonable and within our right." 

Which I should really thank Spermy for, because I had under estimated what a selfish dickhead he really was (I mean I knew he was a dickhead, but the depths that he would go to for his own comfort were as yet unknown to me).   Er, yeah, so you see I am still improving LOL (if he is going to visit, he is going to be visited upon by my anger at his prickedness).   The "Nitty and Gritty" truth stings a bit, eh?   Course, I had good times beyond that, just ask Spermy.   I am not saying there may not have been a few, especially before I reached the third grade and started to develop my own take on the world, but I am saying that the bad (by far) out weighed the good.  Unless normal people feel that being treated like a pawn in your donor's ongoing drama for most of your life equals "good times".

I so wish that I had acted out more.   My husband had plenty of good times (parties while they were away which ended in some furniture loss) at his house, and although his parents found out, they loved him even still.   He did not graduate from college, and you know what?   His parents still loved him, and made sure he knew it (that does not mean he did not get properly disciplined, but it does mean that they actually took care of him in a loving way).   Perhaps that is not the norm...   However, observation of other people who do not view their children as "accidents" or an extension of their hated ex, tell me differently.  I could have at least gotten away with some real doosey's before I left to justify the donor's future treatment of me.

 I have kept my goal of not visiting Eggy's blog.  I have been able to let go better recently than I have in the past.  Although, even as I write this, just saying that gives me the itchy urge to type in the address, but I won't.  It's like when you know that eating something gives you a short term high, but long term you don't feel as emotionally or physically good.   Yet you do it anyway, just for that short term satisfaction of "knowing".   It's not worth it though, and I have enjoyed not knowing.  It doesn't mean that the morbid curiosity does not still exist, however.   I was improving in the past, but the improvements continue.   The reality that I have all the info that I need on these subjects.  Years and years of info and reality, I really don't need to know anymore.   Time to breathe deep and let it go.

Even beyond my thinking about the estrangement, I think that my communication improves on many levels in business and personal life.   I still find myself getting a little hot and sarcastic on occasion (NO NOT ME and not that this is any great fault) but am able to take a deep breath and reign it in (when it does not involve Spermy or Eggy invasions---and I unfotunately saw that Spermy also went to some of the blogs to the left as well).

We are all just imperfect players in the game of life, but we can always grow, enjoy, and reach out for all that life has to offer us.   I am thinking about someone going through a hard time right now, and you know what?  Someday it will be over, and so don't give up just keep pushing ahead!  Things that seem so important and upsetting one day, dwindle in their power over time, especially when they are really not all that important.  My donor's they just do not amount to anything important in my life.


Winterskiprincess said...

You know, it occurred to me recently, and not as a negative thing, that I have not talked to Spermy while in my forties. Same for Eggy. Ahhhhhhhh, it was only some years ago that I did not know this freedom.

mulderfan said...

Love the word dwindle! Has a great ring to it and aptly describes the influence my Nparents have on my life. Happily, dwindling more with each passing day.

I too was a nasty accident. Never meant to be and certainly never meant to be a girl! Last week my NM even bitched about my birthday being in a miserable month like January! Gee, how did I come to be responsible for that?

Funny thing is my older brother is dead and my younger brother is doing his best to drink and drug himself to death so the nasty accident may be all they have left!

Life has a way of biting people in the ass...especially when they deserve it!

Freedom is grand!