Parental Alienation Syndrome

Okay, got a comment on one of my old posts, saying that I should think about PAS, parental alienation syndrome. I know I have a blog out there, and some people might mistakenly think I am looking for THEIR advice. I am not. I am a big girl and working things out, I think quite brilliantly all by my little self.

I do not believe in hypnosis. I do not either believe people, especially people that I have disliked my whole life whether they donated to my birth or not, have some kind of mystical power over me. Especially when the actions of another party, were not known or ever commented about by the other. Duh.

One has nothing to do with the other. They are both people, separate. I dislike them both on their own standing and by their own actions. I AM NOT some helpless female or child caught in some tug of war. In fact the instigator of PAS is the Egg Donor. She was the only one that talked negatively and endlessly about the "attributes" of my sperm donor. She was the only one who tried to take revenge by writing a letter about a remarriage to my father, that she neglected to inform her own daughter about. She was the only one that encouraged me to break into my father's house to retrieve things she thought were still there. It was only her that talked about herself endlessly, thereby knowing nothing about her daughter at all. Not only by her endless talking, but by her endless disinterest and not listening.

In other words the E Donor alienated herself by her own actions, which though are talked about less in this blog as it was long ago, but are talked about. I don't get how one would think one's is worse that the other, or why that should even matter. Is this a contest, stay with the parent that is the lessor of two evils? If that is the case, my E Donor will hound you to the grave if you don't give her what you want. The S Donor just shuts up in his little passive aggressive shell. Hmmmmm, I will take the one that shuts up and stays away please. I got things to do during the day, that don't involve someone's trauma that we do not have the same taste in Christmas gifts while my Fing husband is in the hospital getting his intestine removed. Thanks.

My S Donor has done his own things. He was never allowed to be close to me in the first place, to warrant an immediate cutting off. He took this silence by me as acceptance of him doing anything he wished, and treating me any way he wished. He was wrong, and I didn't even know the depths of his suckiness. I mean I had a clue my whole life, but the last thing really took me quite off guard. He sucks it's true, but the one thing he did not do is try to pit me against my E Donor.

In fact my S Donor, wonderful guy that he is, didn't think much of me for not talking to my E Donor. Cause I am both their property to him.

Whatever issues my dear secret admirer has, could either be asked of yourself in a public forum, or you can go back to where you crawled from. Just some food for thought.

On the other hand, been running out of topics lately for this forum, thanks. Doubt I would like or sympathize with you very much, as it seems like you aren't the type of person that would take responsibility for their actions or decisions. Apparently, you feel you can be swayed by others. That is just sad.

The other thing is, the post that you posted your little comment to was a very general post. Geez, you must have been thinking about this in your little head a long time.

Dreams

I had two dreams recently about the E Donor. I can only remember one clearly now, but the other was in the same area.

I am visiting her where she lives. It's cold and rainy out. I am sick with a cough. My plane leaves for home in a few hours, and I want to go lie down. However, she won't let me, as she works outside on things she is interested. She doesn't pay attention to me or talk to me, just wants me outside to admire her, until the last minute.

The weird thing was she was working with horses outside. As far as I know, my E Donor never had any strong feelings towards horses, but I have been interested in horses. However, because she was showing an interest or because I felt so sick, I was going to be damned if I got up and checked it out.

I think this relates to how I would feel when I would go visit her. She wanted to do things with me that she thought I would enjoy, as she did, but they were things that I did not want ruined by her company. They had become private things to me. It's just the way I felt. I would not want to go see the symphony with a complete stranger who would whisper in the middle of everything "how great it was just being us" (ie leaving my husband who didn't like some things somewhere else, though he would have come) and how great this "intellectual" diversion was. It was just something I enjoyed on my own, and part of that enjoyment was not having it ruined that way, by someone who would not even understand how or why I enjoyed it. But instead wanted that enjoyment to be a reflection on them, on how they raised such a diverse child or what not.

Physically Abusive Men

You know, I never attracted abusive men. I am not saying that like it's a bad thing. It's a great thing. I scared them, whether it was in business or in college.

I believe the reason for this was the vibes I gave off. The reason for the vibes that I gave off was because of the S Donor that I had. He wasn't physically abusive, but he was pretty darned abusive to his wife and daughter in other ways. He would dispute this, but it's true. A couple of times he threatened physical abuse by things such as smashing a chair next to me, which he writes off as a father and daughter having a "heated argument". Wonder what that story would be if I threw the chair at him???? That is not what happened however, as I did not want to demean or intimidate anyone. I just wanted to live MY life.

It's a power play on these "men's" parts as they are so inferior and sad. As a young woman, and thanks to this, I already was quite aware (though not consciously) of what I would NOT be putting up with. Truth be told, I figured I would never marry. It did not seem that attractive to me, at least in the context of the donor's marriage. Apparently I thought being married would mean putting up with this in the end.

It never occurred to me until many years later, that a marriage could be quite different. Also that you need to stand on your own, even when you have the most amazing marriage. It's a partnership not a caretakership. Many of the men in my family of orgin (not considering them my actual family) and my husband's family (I don't know how he came out different) think that a wife cooks, cleans, runs errands, and does the laundry. Basically they are the cook and the maid. As charming as all that sounds, I never got why I would need to or want to be that way. Nevermind and be abused for it!! I don't know how I got these ideas, as apparently my E Donor is quite helpless in the world. "If it wasn't for my new husband, I wouldn't have been able to do this". "I couldn't do this because of my ex husband". What? Huh?

In a way I am grateful that my upbringing made some of these pitfalls a non-issue for me. Thanks guys for showing me what I did NOT ever want for myself. I even realized that just because a sperm and an egg joined, I did not have to live with your abuse either:)

First Face to Face with S Donor

My husband and I went together (me under protest as usual, but hubby likes my company for some reason) to the grocery store. I saw a white jeep of about my S Donor's make and model with a Mass license plate. Wondered fleetingly if we were in the same vacinity again.

Forgot completely about this, and we got through the store at my husband's slow and steady pace. Seriously it should not take that long to pick out a box of Rice Krispies.

We got out with my stir fry items, and the husbands umpteenth "last hurah" items. We are walking past the car again, and I think it. Bam, I notice someone of a very portly shape and build with a hairline of approcimately my S Donor. He is putting the cart away. "psssst" I go to my husband to warn him, but he thinks I am giving him a love signal. I don't know why that would be a love you signal, but then men aren't that bright.

Before he knows it they are face to face, I look away and keep walking. It was weird, except that I recognize what he looks like, he could be just a random virtual stranger to me. I didn't feel anything when I walked by him, other than the hope he wouldn't try and talk to me. I did clearly want to be sure that I projected that any advances in my direction would not be welcome.

The monster doesn't seem to be here yet. Must be out doing errands to bring food back to her lair. Like she needs that!!

I happened to see her on the beach sitting not too far away from me, and I didn't recognize her 1) because she is huge 2) because she had a butch haircut and 3) because her sister has hit the wall as well. I am only saying this because she has diabetes (supposedly) and melanoma (supposedly). So bloating up and sitting in the sun all day should help both those conditions!! You think?

Course those are no doubt my fault, as is their miserable marriage. I wish I knew I had such power when I was 18, live would have been a heck of a lot easier .

Family Rifts Board-Re Boundaries

This is a response to another member whose parents do not acknowledge that they understand what Boundaries are:

You know my dad tried that on me too. "I don't understand what you mean". So I laid it out over and over until I got the following response "I am not stupid, of course I understand what you are saying".

It was important to me that both my parents could not claim "they were not told" or "they did not understand". I guarantee they both understood from the get go, but it's a common "matyred me" ploy. Once they can't say they don't get it anymore without looking like an idiot, then (for me anyway) I was on my way to freedom and closure.

That, and I just did not accept any excuses anymore. ME: "The monster told me to FO when I said she wasn't going to sell my house"DAD: "She was just diagnosed with diabetes and is upset." ME: "I don't accept that as an excuse from her, or a reason to talk to you more on it." DAD: speechless, as there is no argument for that.

I drew my line in the sand with 1600 foot high concrete wall that went divided us across the world and 1600 foot into the earth until or unless he could respect me. That doesn't happen, oh well. It'snot my loss by any means. In fact, I hope he never claims he can, so I just don't need to deal with him. He is just not a nice person.It's easier to forgive things if you have ever felt loved. I never have or at least since third grade when I started to formulate my own opinions.

I often wonder was it just that I wasn't a boy OR that h ejust didn't want children (but he accepts my stepbrother easily enough no matter what he does) OR he just hates females OR he just
hates me. It's an unanswerable question, and no matter what the answer is, there is just one bottom line there.

And you know what,it's not my problem!!! It's his.My boundaries are my boundaries, whether he understands them or not,that is HIS problem, NOT mine.

Talking About Dear John Letters

If you click on my category "e-mail is forever" you will see another "dear john" letter to my donor. We were just talking about this on another board. When you make the decision to break away, what do you say? (I am a poet and didn't know it).

I found another "dear john" letter to my donor as follows:

No harm has been done, I just didn't want any lasting "confusion" to be on my part at all. If you are unclear on my reasons, I wanted to reiterate what they were again.

I know how it feels to hurt over these familial problems. I was quite hurt (when my request to let this house sale be a non-problem was not honored by either of you. I was further hurt when you both insisted on revisiting it, knowing that Robert's mom was dying. It was pretty crushing to me, because although I believed you both to be selfish and controlling, I thought in the end that my plea to be left alone during this extremely painful portion of me and Rob's life would be respected. Not only did you both bother him during a stressful time (he won't say this but I will), but you made this selling of our personal property so much more than that. It didn't need to be. I am sorry the other e-mails hurt you, but I wanted you to know this was not the only incident that was making me feel completely disrespected and uncared for. It would have been pretty bad even if this was the only incident.

I had never meant to tell either of you these things, as the past is the past. I am not going to change the person you are, or who Betty Ann is. It would be an exercise in futility, but I can control how I allow myself to be treated and what my boundaries are. There is no denying that. I have gone through enough pain about this in my life.

Finally, you furthered the hurt by not allowing us to just work on our relationship, but again insisting on jamming Betty Ann down my throat as you did 18 years ago. I should have never given in to you then, and we would either be beyond this point now, or we wouldn't have talked since. And I further take responsibility for repairing the breach with Betty Ann when her mother died. I gave her the idea that she could still do this, but she used to be a lot more subtle about it.

Parents during estrangement say "I didn't know this, therefore it's your fault". According to the above, to an extent that is true. However, just because you don't know that someone doesn't like to be verbally and emotionally abused does not mean that you have the right to continue to do that. Also, when I stood up for myself in the past, you made my life miserable, and the only way I have been able to cope for the last 18 years is to make as few waves as possible. I also don't like to be the B word that Betty Ann is very comfortable being. It doesn't make for nice relationships for me, and these are relationships I shouldn't have to fight that hard for. I know because I have them and other people have them, it is quite possible to disagree; respect anothers wishes, respect their different beliefs, respect their different values, and still love them (through actions not words) as a cherished family members.

Until this incident, I have treated both of you as cherished family members. Both of your disrespect, not subsequent e-mails, has hurt me deeply and caused a relationship with you to be impossible for me. If at some point, you can see this "condition" that you demand is not acceptable, we may be able to talk (I realize this would require you to make an unselfish act on your part). As is, please do not contact me again.

I accept your apology below. I am going to work on my business again now, and continue enjoying the life and people in it that I am lucky to have, and show me the same.

Robin

Well, Golleeee, they finally sold their house

Finally from 487 thou to 290 thou, and only taking two and a half years to do it!! Congrats monster, er should I say congrats to the real estate agent that FINALLY needed to handle this for you. Glad you took my advice, seems it took her a much more reasonable time frame.

Can you imagine if I had let this insect represent my property by cowtowing to her entitlement behavior, just cause she was "part of my Donor's life"!!! Wow at 2000.00 per month, just in mortgage payments that would have been 30*2000=60,000 spent. Now you get some of that in the sales price, but only the non-interest portion. Let's say that is about 1/3, so only 40,000 spent on interest while waiting. Not to mention the 3,000 in real estate taxes, maintenance to keep the property up, some utilities need to be paid in the meantime, water, and her Fing commission.

You know a really bad real estate agent is one that has been in the business for YEARS, and still only pumps out four-five properties a year. If you don't want your property sold anytime soon, and someone that is really really bad at their job, feel free to check my Monster's business site. She is available for crashing funerals as well:)

Warning, Stalking Crazy Lady Alert

The enclosed picture is just a funny picture that I found BTW, and not a picture of the Estrangement Queen.

I should warn readers, and perhaps put up this message on a monthly basis. If you poke the Estrangement Queen (and you will only be likely to know who that is if you follow this blog), she will try to glean any information that she can about you. She will try to hunt you down. She does not understand the definition of boundaries, unless it relates to her.

It's sad yet true. I don't even know how she found out where one person works!! Here is what she said about another that dared to disagree (and what she went out and found about about him):


"Mr. Blue/Keillor told me that I wasn't really estranged, that my style was combative, and that I shouldn't write a book. It sounded to me like, "Silly woman! Get your head on straight! Your daughter isn't really not talking to you but you have a combative style and that is the problem and, for heaven's sake, don't write a book .... that would be just .... silly!"My response to this in email was ... combative! I informed Mr. Keillor/Blue that he must have issues with his mother and/or his ex-wife and that I had sent in my question to him as an experiment in asking a columnist anything and he had failed the test! Thereby confirming for him his point about my combativeness! Remembering that makes me smile a bit."

Yes, he failed the test by not agreeing with her, and must have a problem with women because he agreed WITH HER DAUGHTER who didn't even have to talk for herself for the point to come across!!

"Dear Rejected,This is a grievous story and I am sorry for your loss of the adult friendship of a child. But your combative tone makes me think that you have blundered into this situation and antagonized your daughter on your own steam. You say this started back when you got upset about her taking you for granted? Good Lord, madame, that is a poor pretext for a fight with your only child, I must say. God knows, it's human enough to get upset, but there comes a point when you simply must accept your children as they are, stop prodding and pushing and punishing them, and learn to enjoy their company. You weren't rejected: You simply got into a fight you had no business fighting, and you wound up the loser. It's a sad fact that our power to anger and alienate others is so immense and our power to reconcile is so pitifully small. The lesson is: Be slow to anger. Don't be right every time you have a chance to. And don't go off writing a book about this as a further exercise in self-justification. If you need to write something, try writing an apology."

And then the search for info:

"Online .... amazing what you can learn online these days!... I learned that Garrison Keillor's daughter was born in 1998. She is his first daughter. He is now 62. He has a son who was born in 1969. His son is 3 years younger than my daughter. His son works for him. Garrison Keillor has been married 3 times and was estranged for a time from the city of St. Paul, Minnesota but they have since made up.

I learned that Garrison Keillor was raised in a conservative religious family that belonged to the Plymouth Brethren. I know more about Brethren in general than I know about Garrison Keillor. I know that they are truly very conservative. That their beliefs about how to live a life would have been very different from that of a popular writer/entertainer who makes his living creating radio shows and books. I read that he suffered from shyness although that is hard for me to believe as I have struggled mightily with shyness and fears throughout my life and I can't imagine how a truly shy person could have lived a Garrison Keillor sort of life! But this may be due to a shortage of imagination on my part. If he is a Shy Person, then he deserves credit for overcoming his Shy Side and forging on with life"

Shyness is not a disease for God's sake, first of all. I am shy. I need to get things done, therefore, I can not revert into myself as I might prefer. She talks about it like some monumental task that only she has taken on, like having to work for almost no money when you are young.

Any who, be warned Ye Who Visited the Lair of the Estrangement Queen. With programs like site meter, being anonymous is sometimes not protection enough!!!

You know, I like to research people too. There was a guest on Howard Stern that had a lot to do with Satellite radio, and I found his story interesting. Or a celebrity you like dies, or another dog trainer posts an article. But I think something is very very wrong with someone who needs to hunt down each and every person that does not agree with them!!! I mean, some people don't agree with you and in fact will never agree with you, right. The world still manages to turn on it's axis somehow though.

Er, I do Believe Estrangement Queen Just Admitted She Posts in Retaliation

Check out comment 21 in this post.

"Where in the world do you think that she actually misses me, likes me or loves me????? If that were the case, then my actions would be different than what they are. She does not."

Ah, so bi polar was in to get back at the daughter who does not find her Estranged Donor a real charmer when she posts that she did not care when her grandfather and step brother died. I am sorry, I don't know how to "miss, like or love" someone like that. Especially when they are unable to say they are sorry.

But just in case you want to disagree with her:

"You seem to be a very troubled soul and I am beginning to feel sorry for you."

You will be picked apart accordingly. Course, a recent poster just hit a nerve with me as well. I don't think I called them troubled however, just deflecting a bit. I was a bit testy, I admit. Not proud of that moment, especially when it seems to slightly resemble this moment. UGH.

I guess we do share SOME DNA, but I really don't believe I have the lack of empathy and narcistic qualities she does. I don't make up lies or fill in stories where I don't know what happened, or are not based on one's own words.

I realize she doesn't realize that she just admitted that she writes things out of retaliation. Talk about a threat. Course I have fed into her "conversation" by acknowledging it in the first place.

I just hope some other soul can see that sometimes, it's best to just walk away if possible. It still causes me to look inward on occaision.

She has other things that she can post, guess it's just best to look away now, and let her do her worst if she wants. I wonder how different can she really be in her personal life? I mean it's possible she is, I am. I vent a lot of stuff here. It is incredibly helpful. It becomes less and less necessary, and I now enjoy those periods where I really need to dig deep to write about something. Usually that is when Friday Blog Fishing, Tuesday Terror, and Thursday Thirteens come in real handy LOL.

I don't blog about EVERYTHING, I mean do I really need to give more amunition to be given a negative spin for the fodder? It's not that I care that other people read it, it's that I realize each time how much my mother disliked me. No matter what she says, dislike comes through very loud and clear, and it would be just great if she could be honest about it at least. Hey, I don't like or love my daughter. There it is. No more reasons to make up stories that she didn't care that her grandfather and step brother died. And yes, that bugs the absolute shit out of me that she would say such a thing. Wow, she REALLY REALLY didn't know a thing about the daughter she raised. One would have to listen to something other than the sound of their own voice, talking about themselves.

Yackity yackity blah blah blah. Me, memememememe, ME mememeemne, MEMEMEME, mememememee, myf riends, me. my photography, my parrots, and then there is mememememe. Oh yes and you, oh no wait, emememememememmemememememememmemememememmememmememmememmememememmemememmememm.

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

And then there is I and ME and then ME again, and I. And I hate weddings, and I hate Tony, and IIIIIII, and MEMEMEMEMEME.

UGH. I don't want to adopt an nice old lady in Maine by the way. Mom, has kind of been a word with not positive vibes my adult life. I am good. I don't know why it continues to bother me, other than the fact that this must be sooooo ingrained in us from childhood.

And when you look at those superficial photos, even knowing what they represent is not the truth, you want it to be the truth. You want it to be what you thought of them THEN, assuming that was good. I have to admit, I never thought much of my father since the third grade when he started trying to supress me from being me from then until I didn't talk to him very much after 20 or so. He still tried to downgrade my choice in mate. career, where I lived et, but I was just ignoring him then. "Oh, that's nice dad, yeah I will take relationship advice from you. Nice marriage you had there for 17 years NOT!!!!" Meanwhile, 17 years married this year and 22 years together total.

The Mythical Apology

This is the second time my mother mentions, "the apology" (apparently in 1995 while we were pretty much still in contact and it was never mentioned to me until the first online conversation where she mentions it in 2005!!). The apology that I never received by the way, and when I asked her what was in it, all she could say was it said "for whatever it is you think I may have done". Uh, yeah, right. We've all used that one on our husband's before, yes? Or our husbands on us, and most educated people know that is not an apology.

What I did receive were statements like "bite me" and "shit happens" and this lengthy letter about family history, her parrots, and all of this is very nice. However there is no apology, but 10 type written pages glaringly without an apology and also a much about how she adored me as a baby (which I have all heard before) and glaringly nothing about how she likes me as an adult.

Later on, came the letter from my grandmother letting me know I would cause my mother to commit suicide. There was no apology letter. I did stop allowing her mail to pass through my door sometime in 1998 or 1999, however. This is not the time period that she says she wrote the apology.

Gosh I wish she would just post it if she did. I have asked what was in it, given her chances to reiterate it. Wondered why she just didn't send it to me again, or let me know before 1999 that she apologized. Never a mention of it until 2005, not even in her previous blogs about the subject that had gone on for several years prior.

So if it does indeed exist, she has been playing games around it. I mean how easy would it be to show it. Still doesn't excuse her behavior after the fact, but had I known ever that she acknowledged what she did and was sorry, there would have been a different outcome, I think. But the person that I see writing online, I can't see how to reconcile with that person.

Who doesn't think it's wrong to write about someone else's diagnosed illness just to make yourself look good? I mean, is that normal. Is it normal to lie that your daughter didn't care about her grandfather and step brother's death? Is it normal to TRY TO interfere with your daughter's marriage and familial relations to get your way and make her look bad? Is it normal to "not stop" and I quote, another from writing to your daughter that you will commit suicide because of her?

I guess in her world it is, but in my world it isn't. Hence the reason for the estrangement.

Just Too Beautiful A Day

Memorial Day was nice. In addition to remembering our armed forces (human and canine), deceased family members (human and canine); we also spent a bit of the day together, me and the husband.

Went to Kittery, and found him a pair of shoes at Clark Bostonian to wear to our trip to Boston shortly. He has killed all his comfortable walking shoes!! I remember when I would have to sneak his disgusting ones out, and to the trash bin in order to get him to buy new shoes. He already feels bad at paying a "normal" price for the shoes and is threatening to return them!! Whereas my philosphy is that I don't pay high price or full price, but if I find a normally priced pair of shoes that are well made, then I don't feel guilty getting them for me. They last years instead of months for instance. I have two pairs of walking Clark Bostonians that serve me very well.

We had happy hour at the Harbour Inn in York. It was Italian night, so that means free manicotti, sausages, cesar salad, and cheese cake!! This is where we regularly go now when Robert does not want to cook (unless it's Chinese food, and then it's Greenleaves) of course.

My S Donor was down, and we were almost in the same grocery store, but as we were driving out, he was driving in. Since he lives one street over from me, he pretty regularly sees me walking or training dogs in the neighborhood. My step brother, his wife, and kids were over there. No visit of course , and there lives would be hell anyway if they crossed the monster!! Didn't seem like any of the relatives from my side of the family were over there.

It always puzzled me, the monster and S Donor always have events here during holiday weekends. Easily the WORST time for family to come here. A two hour drive becomes a seven hour drive, and York seems to get busier and busier each year. I remember how I hated coming here because of that, three hours with these people, and then you are going to either have to rent a hotel room, stay in the crowded house, or drive for seven hours. I always chose driving for an alotted time LOL. If you did not want to come for any reason, the step would be on the phone berating you. Meanwhile, they also had lived in the town right next door to me, and closer to the other relatives and not a hot spot for tourists. I mean it was fun every now and again, but it was too small to hang out indoors during the buggy times, and so it was basically outdoors with the bugs on lawn furniture.

One of the last times I went, my dog Neptune was dying. I had told them I did not want to go. The problem was they needed someone to bring the Monster's father, but none of the actual family wanted to do it. So I was berated, and gave in (really bad decision on my part). I come, I am depressed and worried about my dog, and all I hear is my step (whose friggin father I just transported at 6 am in the morning so we wouldn't hit traffic) berating my father because I am outside being sad, and NOT helping her. This one time, I was like F it bitch, I am going to hang out like everyone else does, I didn't want to be here in the first place.

Oh well, had to find something to bitch about today, as I get the most hits when I do LOL.

First Things First-Cowardly and Fake

My mother has a post. She is peaceably eating at Panera's and musing, if I wanted to talk about my business or the democratic convention, well then we could have talked LOL.

She is trying to defend her "threat" position. However, before I talk about the weather with this woman, I would really need to know how she can't admit she was wrong for trying to "out" me as bipolar on her little forum. When is that right, and the reason for a loving mother to do. She had said in another posting, that the reason she doesn't privately tell me of her concern, is that she doesn't want another nasty e-mail from me. I will display the link that the coward, er, my E Donor thinks is sooooo nasty. It's just the truth, that e-mail with no crude words or anything. This is e-mail number 1 and number 2. Both sent by the way after several public postings to me in a board, where she outed who I was when I used a false name as not to embarrass HER. She couldn't wait to tell the board, but er, did not get quite the support that she figured, as she was totally transparent to complete strangers.

The truth is she is a coward. She can't talk or e-mail that she was wrong. The fact that she was WRONG ABOUT me which was published recently regarding saying that I didn't care about my grandfather or my stepbrother's death, was as close as she has come IN FOURTEEN YEARS. And she still tries to cling to the fact that she actually thought that, and not that she obviously outright lied.

Same as she hides behind trying to protect me, as the reason for the bi polar post. Now, there she is doing something harmful, while I am not. Or she perceives she is doing something harmful, as she does not know that I do talk about it (or did not) on this very blog. Course, she has researched it, and so she is a medical expert on the condition , shades of my childhood. She is face, controlling, narsistic, and a liar.

So she wants to chit chat, but not about how a "loving and adoring" mother does the things that she has done. I post her own words to her blog, and she deletes them. Pretty hard to look at the truth in one's own typewritten posts. Must be.

She is clearly the one punishing me, by posting things she doesn't think others know. I find that very sick, mentally and emotionally abusive. So, she thinks I want to sit down and discuss the democratic debate with someone so ugly and hateful???? Or share my plans for my business. What for? So I can read that I walk dogs for a living again? I am sure said out of loving and motherly kindness. Fuck that.

One thing we do agree on. Life is to short to spend it with miserable self serving people. She is a stranger to me, but a bully that likes to push my buttons. I guess it's junior high all over again, where I found one girl that liked to beat me up, and I punched her right in the face. Cleared that up. It's also cleared things up for my mother for a period of time, until she thinks I am not paying attention again. What's she going to post about me next? I bet it's going to be loving and very motherly and concerned LOL. NOT.

If this woman really wanted to speak to me, all she had to say was "wow, I did some really inappropriate things. I am sorry." Clearly, it would be a bit fishy now. Or, I don't know how about this, how about proving she's not an asshole, but not posting asshole things publically all the time? Or criptic messages, as I have correctly understood them before. And she knew for two whole years about my bipolar, before deciding to out me. Uh, thanks? Now let me share some personal cit chat with you. Screw you lady. Fuck off, and try not to choke on your souffle. By the way, seems you are alone in Paneras.

She asks in the post above, what I may have accomplished in typing back and forth to her recently. Just a reverification that she is the ugly person that I thought she was. Her continued hiding behind excuses is comforting to me, as I can shelve my guilt at not contacting her. At not thinking there is a woman out there who really does love me. She is a woman who really enjoys her role of victim. The evil daughter who could care less that her grandfather and stepbrother died. She now sees that she was wrong about that. Oh goody for me, but she still makes excuses to me for it instead of saying how horribly wrong that was to do. Instead I get "were you ever wrong about anyone?" I guess, but apparently not about her. Think I am right on about her, but I can't really find out when she continues to be the ugly person that she is in her typing. Each time I go back to see what she has to say, I see more of the same. It think it's time for me to give up the ghost, that maybe she will be someone that I thought well of in my youth. I think most of what I thought, were based on surface facts and not knowing any better at the time. I mean I was a kid, how was I to recognize what was really going on in my family, until I grew up and tried to be me. Then it became crystal clear that I had been an accessory to them. They enjoyed me when I was little and under their control, and not so much as I began to split off and then run like the wind away.

I feel that I have given them every chance, and more chances then they are really worth to be someone that I could feel safe with. But when I look or read what they have to say, I feel those self esteem issues rise up again, and not the feeling of basking in the glow of the people around me who truly do love me warts and all. My E Donor always needs to be petted for her accomplishments. They are never really for her or to enrich her, but to show to the public what a brilliant person she is. My accomplishments are private, and I share them with people who love me. Although I do often get their approval in spoken words or dinners out, I don't need that. Just knowing that people love me, and I love them is enough for me. For my E Donor, it needs to be represented in material ways, no matter what she says. That is a sad and superficial way to live your life IMHO. My S Donor, the debt for having had to have me will never be repaid. That is the same for my E Donor too, though she doesn't like to admit it, as it's ugly. That when her control slipped as I reached adulthood, it was too much for her to be happy that her child had grown up and was happy. Instead, she had to complain that my husband got sick when we visited her. "Don't you just hate when you have to take care of someone?", she said. God help her husband when he gets sick or old. No, I don't hate having to take care of someone I love. I hate having to fake it for a bitter miserable bitch, who knows nothing about love whatsoever.

Just For Fun, A Fictional Conversation With My Mother (mothers day continued)

***I should disclose that my mother has responded in a nice way since I wrote this. I just don't trust this. This is more an enactment as conversations as they have gone in the past. How I do believe they would go, if she wasn't "trying out" a new approach on me (or this is how I perceive the situation right now).


So I have been conversing with the E Donor on her blog. Translation, banging my head against the same brick wall. Well, there seemed to be the tiniest bit of progress at first as she attempted to repeat things back to me. Also, her first reply seemed reasonable and sincere, although a little voice said "she is trying out something new, empathy, in the age old attempt to manipulate you". But given my desire to always give people the benefit of the doubt, I answered questions. And answered, and explained, until I realized, she's just stacking up the evidence against me again. Were I to continue, I will expand on what the conversation will become from you, as it has been time tested:

E Donor: I have admitted that I may have done these things but I don't remember.

Me: Fine, but they were done. If I was going to make something it, (and I wouldn't) it would be way more spectacular than that.

E Donor: Well fine, I may have done those things, but shit happens. Bite me.

Me: Alrighty then.

E Donor: You just want me to debase myself.

Me: No, it would just be nice if you could listen and absorb some information.

E Donor: I understand, you aren't talking to me because you want to ruin my life.

Me: No, I want to live my life unharrassed, and I do not feel that's possible when continuing a relationship with you or my father by the way.

E Donor: How did I harrass you. I did not harrass you.

Me: Well, I call calling relatives behind my back to "interview" them stepping way over the line. You also tried to appeal to your ex, my S Donor. And then there was the time you creeped around my house.....

E Donor: Well, you wouldn't talk to me.

Me: We did in fact exchange information for a long time. You haven't and don't listen. YOu list other things PAS or bi polar as reasons (or that I wish to ruin your life). Clearly you don't listen or believe I know why I am not talking to you. In forteen years, you never offered an apology or an acknowledgement for how I may have felt either about the reason for the rift or for the things you did afterwards. YOu tend to ignore those.

E Donor: I did give an apology. I sent it in a letter that you threw away, three years after the argument.

Me: Hard to believe as I only started throwing things out six years ago, 8 years into the argument. And for the record, I have asked what I did miss and what you apologized for. Then you say "I won't tell you". or the infamous "I am sorry for whatever it is you think I did to cause our estrangement." Neither gives me the warm fuzzies about you. So what is it that you apologized for?

E Donor: I just sent it to get you to talk to me anyway. I won't debase myself for apologizing.

Me: And did you hear why we don't talk. Can you repeat what I said?

E Donor: I won't debase myself by saying that. YOu think I am the worst mother ever on the face of the earth. All you want me to do is degenerate myself.

Me: Alrighty then. That answers my question.

E Donor: So why have you ruined my life by not talking to me?

Sigh. That brick wall sure is hard .

Bi Polar (mothers day sequence continued)

My mother brought up a subject on her blog (out of spite, of course) that I do talk about here. I don't talk about it so much, as the condition really does not affect me, since I have found the right medicine and the right dose. My mother, of course, attributes this to why I don't find her to be a nice human being (or my father or step although she does not find them to be nice human beings). It's the whole "I own you" and "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you" mind set. That is true, my mother and father did not sexually or physically abuse me (however no one owns me). They were emotionally and mentally abusive (with my father threatening physical abuse by smashing a chair near me) and very very controlling, which only got worse with adulthood. My step actually physically abused me once, right before I smacked her back (so she would never forget that I stick up for myself) and walked out of the house in a t shirt, underpants, and no socks in a blizzard.

My mother portrays my estrangement as leaving "everyone that loves me". I find this such a funny statement. Maybe they (not the step however) believe they love me, but that is because they recognize the emotions used to control and manipulate as love. I was very confused by my husband and his relationship with his parents, as I was always expecting the other shoe to drop with them. "Why the interest in me, what do they want from me?" As opposed to "Hey they are interested in me, they must really like me". I am estranged from the in laws due to their deaths, we were friends during their lives. Unfortunately, that is one estrangement that I have not chosen. The estrangements that I have chosen, were chosen well, and have served to enrich and change my life. These estrangements have nothing to do with bi polar, as my mother claims to have researched. If she had researched bi polar, she would know some things about it.

First of all, apparently I have cyclomania and not bipolar, because I am able to function without the drugs at all (not at a level that Iwould like) and very easily with drugs that are mild. Celexa is my drug of choice. I have just moved up to 40 mgs as 20 was not doing it any more.

With this mental illness, you really know the difference between being in it, and feeling like your normal self. Other people can not necessarily see that you are in it. The ones that ACTUALLY DO love me the most have no idea that I am in it, unless they drop by while I am huddled under my covers in bed. It's basically just highs and lows. I am more prone to the lows. In other words, sadness that does not go away and nothing is going on that would make me that particularly sad. The highs are untapped energy that comes forth and makes me extremely productive, so much so that I burn out by wanting to stay up all night doing something. It has nothing to do with my relationships with people, and I take my meds for me and how I feel internally. I graduated college (with a 3.5), rose to an executive position, and did all sorts of things before finding the meds so I wouldn't get the blues so much.

That is all bipolar is. It is not some scary disease that warps your brain. Your internal chemistry just needs a bit of a tweak. My mother says I blame her for this. Don't know why as she doesn't say she has anything LOL. My grandmother has something, but if it's this there is something else there. God, I would much rather have this than my husband's asthma any day (and not have my recent allergies that have made me much more miserable than bi polar). I would much rather have this without the meds than my husband's asthma. I mean the blues are bad. I don't really possess the words to describe how bad they are. Once you are out of it, you almost forget how bad it can be.

But getting the right meds and dosages, brings that puppy right under control. I saw one lady describe this as "it's like living on a island that has raging tropical storms, and then brilliant days that never end no matter how exhausted you are. And then you get normal rain showers and some good weather days." It just brings everything back to the middle of how you feel internally. You are still able to have your opinions, however, and mine are well founded....on the fact that some people are just ugly. I mean inside. Ugly, controlling, narcisitic, sexist (added in my S Donor's case), racist (added in my S Donor's case), selfish, unable to recognize love if it bit them in the ass. Oh, and let's mention not able to give or recognize when an apology is warranted.

I have in the past alluded to the fact that my E Donor may have narcistic personality disorder, as my opinion and not my diagnosis nor a diagnosis from her doctor. I think that is different than announcing something that you know is a diagnosis on a blog for the purposes of demeaning someone only (something my mother claims never to have done in her life). I do have those demeaning rants on my mother, but no medical diagnosis were included, though some other adjectives were . I honestly do not feel sorry for that, as they were in response to something she said, and I felt justified in getting my anger out in that way. Plus I don't seek a reconciliation. I am always amazed at the fact that she just doesn't break down and say, well maybe I did some things wrong. You think??????? Not the, "I am sorry for whatever it is you think I may have done phrase". I mean for the lying alone about the wedding being the reason for our estrangement to her friends. Or I dunno how about the lie that I did not care that my grandfather or step brother died on a board that she thought I would never find. This was in response to a conversation with my aunt or huband (she wrote SIL, so it's son in law or sister in law, but she won't tell other than it's not Aunt Rae LOL), where she found that I thought she was emotionally and mentally abusive as well as controlling and manipulative. So what she did, was perform those very activities on a board LOL. Good judgement and logic that.

Is it right for me to post ALL my thoughts on my E Donor? I don't know, maybe not. I do apologize for giving my opinion of a diagnosis when just reiterating that she is an ugly sort of person would do. An adjective and not a diagnosis that I would use for her is narcistic. She has no care for anyone in her life that does not revolve around her or validate her existance in some superficial way. That is probably not a mental disorder, just who she is IMHO. She does not admit or recognize this in herself, perhaps honestly. She has lived her life her way, and done the things she has done out of "love" in her opinion. All I have to say is YIKES!!!

I really do need a reminder sometimes...(mother's day sequence continued)

Sometimes I forget just how sucky my E Donor can be, and then she gives me the gift of a post . And now I know it was her or one of her warped friends that posted. They have hunted me down before with questions like "how can you not talk to your mother just because you didn't get a big wedding". Err, for the record, we planned our own wedding and it was perfect. Actually, I could have used at least three less guests there.

So now the post. OH, I am so embarrassed my E Donor used the bipolar card. She doesn't read this (supposedly, but all her friends do...yeah right we are that dumb), but I don't have issues with her due to bipolar, as much as she would like to think so. But it is a reminder of what a pathetic excuse for a mother and a human being that she is (like I need that). I know some medical things about her, but I am not about to share them dear readers. That's really her business, and something she needs to take care of herself.

Truth be told, I sometimes wonder if I have imagined what an ugly person she is. All I have to do is skip over to her blog. I was actually sort of proud that she held off for once on her vicious postings and lies. If she thinks this blog "degenerates" her, I only talk about facts. Those are the facts, and I am sorry she is so embarrassed for her actions. I would totally be too, if I treated my child like that.

But this blog is not for her, or even you dear audience. It's actually for me so I can chart my own progress through these waters, instead of repressing it. I am not a good one for repressing. And it is actually public because I do like to work it out and hear from other people. The only comments that I delete are spam comments. I can take it. I mean, I really don't care what y'all think, unless you think I am right LOL .

The fact that I can laugh at it, and the absurdity of her, is in my mind the healing process taking root. So friends (spies) of the E Donor, go take a long walk off a tall cliff, and be embarrassed of yourself for the way you are dealing with your issues by attacking another.

You know, I don't have much to write about these days unless the E Donor posts, and unfortunately she can't stop addressing me. I like to let her know that she is full of shit.

And it's sort of sick for her "friends" to be reporting back to her. Take care of your own problems instead of deflecting onto someone else.

A Little Drama from the Mama

Happy Mother's Day!!! Remember folks, sometimes you just can't run far enough away.

Enjoy my e donor's May 3rd post, where we discover the reason that I don't talk to her is an attempt to ruin her life. Da Da Da Duuummmmm~!!

And my favorite quote of her post "I still feel good about having been her mom and she can go screw herself if she thinks that she can wreck my life by not talking to me. " Cause it's all about her folks, it's all about her. And she is lovely, and I think some lucky grown up woman ought to adopt her.

There is not a definitive post here that gives background information to this estrangement. The category "Maniac for A Mother" will give you a hodge podge of postings about my E Donor.

The category "Evil that is BA" will give you postings on my lovely Step Monster, since it's a mother's day theme and all.

Mothers Day Cards from Heckmart

Inspired from another blog I read. My thought for the day is "you gets what you gives".

I have been trying to figure out how to design this as an Mother's Day card that SOME of us would like to have seen in the Hallmark store.

1) To Mom,

Please take yourself out to have a nice day. I never get it right anyway.

You get what you give, enjoy your day!!!!

2) To Mom,

Some moms think their children are their "gifts" on this day.

Thank God, you always knew better. Children and raising them is a pain in the ass.

PS I have better things to do today than be with you. I have lived up to your expectations if not your fantasies.

Mom's Day Is on The Way!!

Do not worry, my little damaged friends. Mother's Day is on the way, and has already inspired a couple of postings. You will have to wait though, and be good. In the meantime, I will provide the following giblets of family angst.

Never was a Mother or Father's Day fan. Just another day that was theirs LOL. My husband's mother used to say "everyday is Mother's Day". My husband and his parents didn't just talk on the holidays, they talked everyday. And truth to tell, my E donor was up for the talking. It's just that it was always about her, and got old real fast. Robert and her mom would talk about both of them. She was interested in him, and she was interested in her.

It was a good example of getting what you give. My parents got what they gave from me, and it was quite a different relationship.

The House is Up for Sale Again

Okay, so the monster has hired a new real estate agent (as opposed to using herself). Must admit, that's probably a pretty good idea. And they are now using someone who is supposed to be quite successful. Really makes me think this real estate agent must not like them too much, as check out the pictures that she chose to use.









And here are the pictures of my old childhood home in it's glory.
























Er, what tricky marketing plan are they using LOL. Did they loose the pictures of the house before or what? Now our house is down to 309,000 while it looks like it is now in the 140,000 category. I have added a new tag to check the progress called "Real Estate Mogul". An apt title for my competent monster who was insisting on being allowed to sell our house. Bwahhahahahahahhahahah!! I think not.

Memories and Thoughts

I don't know why this memory popped into my head. I remember when the S Donor was a teacher at St Nicholas school in Worcester. He taught two grades, and classrooms joined together. There was a cool playfort in the classroom.

I used to pretend to get sick at school, so my S Donor would pick me up, and I would get to be in HIS classroom. I think the reason that I liked this, was this was the person that I did not see at home often. I certaintly did not see this person after the third grade, when I started forming my own opinions.

He had fun with his students, and he seemed fun to me there. It's a side of him that I never saw again as I got older, and of course I started getting in trouble for pretending to be sick so I could go to work with him. I am glad I did, as it is one memory that I like of him. I don't remember him teaching though, which is odd as I am sure he was. I think I retained the memory of what I liked most about him at that time.

Dr Phil has had many family shows on, the most recent being on controlling parents. I think that hit home, and then they were talking about school and controlling parents, and this memory popped up. I hadn't remembered or thought about it for the longest time.