This is the second time my mother mentions, "the apology" (apparently in 1995 while we were pretty much still in contact and it was never mentioned to me until the first online conversation where she mentions it in 2005!!). The apology that I never received by the way, and when I asked her what was in it, all she could say was it said "for whatever it is you think I may have done". Uh, yeah, right. We've all used that one on our husband's before, yes? Or our husbands on us, and most educated people know that is not an apology.
What I did receive were statements like "bite me" and "shit happens" and this lengthy letter about family history, her parrots, and all of this is very nice. However there is no apology, but 10 type written pages glaringly without an apology and also a much about how she adored me as a baby (which I have all heard before) and glaringly nothing about how she likes me as an adult.
Later on, came the letter from my grandmother letting me know I would cause my mother to commit suicide. There was no apology letter. I did stop allowing her mail to pass through my door sometime in 1998 or 1999, however. This is not the time period that she says she wrote the apology.
Gosh I wish she would just post it if she did. I have asked what was in it, given her chances to reiterate it. Wondered why she just didn't send it to me again, or let me know before 1999 that she apologized. Never a mention of it until 2005, not even in her previous blogs about the subject that had gone on for several years prior.
So if it does indeed exist, she has been playing games around it. I mean how easy would it be to show it. Still doesn't excuse her behavior after the fact, but had I known ever that she acknowledged what she did and was sorry, there would have been a different outcome, I think. But the person that I see writing online, I can't see how to reconcile with that person.
Who doesn't think it's wrong to write about someone else's diagnosed illness just to make yourself look good? I mean, is that normal. Is it normal to lie that your daughter didn't care about her grandfather and step brother's death? Is it normal to TRY TO interfere with your daughter's marriage and familial relations to get your way and make her look bad? Is it normal to "not stop" and I quote, another from writing to your daughter that you will commit suicide because of her?
I guess in her world it is, but in my world it isn't. Hence the reason for the estrangement.