Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Mythical Apology

This is the second time my mother mentions, "the apology" (apparently in 1995 while we were pretty much still in contact and it was never mentioned to me until the first online conversation where she mentions it in 2005!!). The apology that I never received by the way, and when I asked her what was in it, all she could say was it said "for whatever it is you think I may have done". Uh, yeah, right. We've all used that one on our husband's before, yes? Or our husbands on us, and most educated people know that is not an apology.

What I did receive were statements like "bite me" and "shit happens" and this lengthy letter about family history, her parrots, and all of this is very nice. However there is no apology, but 10 type written pages glaringly without an apology and also a much about how she adored me as a baby (which I have all heard before) and glaringly nothing about how she likes me as an adult.

Later on, came the letter from my grandmother letting me know I would cause my mother to commit suicide. There was no apology letter. I did stop allowing her mail to pass through my door sometime in 1998 or 1999, however. This is not the time period that she says she wrote the apology.

Gosh I wish she would just post it if she did. I have asked what was in it, given her chances to reiterate it. Wondered why she just didn't send it to me again, or let me know before 1999 that she apologized. Never a mention of it until 2005, not even in her previous blogs about the subject that had gone on for several years prior.

So if it does indeed exist, she has been playing games around it. I mean how easy would it be to show it. Still doesn't excuse her behavior after the fact, but had I known ever that she acknowledged what she did and was sorry, there would have been a different outcome, I think. But the person that I see writing online, I can't see how to reconcile with that person.

Who doesn't think it's wrong to write about someone else's diagnosed illness just to make yourself look good? I mean, is that normal. Is it normal to lie that your daughter didn't care about her grandfather and step brother's death? Is it normal to TRY TO interfere with your daughter's marriage and familial relations to get your way and make her look bad? Is it normal to "not stop" and I quote, another from writing to your daughter that you will commit suicide because of her?

I guess in her world it is, but in my world it isn't. Hence the reason for the estrangement.


Anonymous said...

actually your mother has no right to judge your feelings or anyone elses about anyones dying.
Grief is personal.
If I wasnt related to a family member who trashed my husband and I, I would sue her for libel.
Your mother doesnt notice that you only are reacting when she acts innappropriate.

Anonymous said...

Why else would your GM think she would commit suicide??Who would give her that idea?
Your mother is a bully and a complete drama queen.
Honey, find yourself a nice old lady in maine to adopt, Im originally from there..miss maine. sigh..

winterskibunny said...

Maine is beautiful, and I LOVE it. We live .5 miles away from the beach.

IMHO, my mother has no interest in reconciling. This has become her identity. I wish there was someone in there that I could like, and I keep looking.

No dice. She is actually an accomplished woman. She is an expert in antiques, and is apparently making a living as a photographic artist.

I believe that I was supposed to pay her back for being born, holding her up for awhile, and causing her to get married. When I didn't "pay up" as expected and said no, then the whole thing blew up. Had it not been that, it would have been something else....probably.

She had an attitude about my husband, my life, my cats, my whatever. At some point I was going to notice that I was having a very one sided relationship with someone who really did not care about me at all. If she liked it, I was supposed to like it. If she was chubbier than me, I was not supposed to be a size six. If she didn't have a loving relationship in her 20s, I was not supposed to have a loving relationship (ie something must be wrong with my husband).

There is no winning with her. Other people, including me, have told her the same things.

winterskibunny said...

I should mention that my grandmother had always threatened to commit suicide to get her way or make her child (my mother) feel guilty. Actually both my grandparents did on that side.

I am not absolutely sure she said that, could have been my grandmother's take, but she wrote that she know what my grandmother was going to write and "didn't stop her".

Meanwhile, I was pretty sensitive to tactics like this. Though I admit, I may have subconsciously used this as my "out of jail free" card and just gone for it.

It was so tiring coming home, and hearing her interview my husband, getting notes like this, et et. It just had to end. I am sorry for that, because I feel sorry for her.

I just had to take care of myself is all. I am not an angel by any means, but I like to think I treat the people that I love a lot better. One thing I admit fault to, is having a hard time expressing it to anyone but my husband in words. Instead I tend to try with actions.

winterskibunny said...

By the way, your mother in law sounds like a piece of work. Yikes.

My mother in law passed away, but all her love that she expressed to her children and me by extension was acknowledged (to the best of my ability) and appreciated.

One thing about her, is she would never even think of doing such ugly things to her children. It was irritating at first, until I understood she really wasn't intending to interfere, just was just concerned about her kids.

She eventually managed her style so we could communicate before I even figured it out LOL.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for getting back to me.
If you see your mother feels you dont love her yet you still read her stuff..tells everyone out here in cyber world that you still care what the other thinks.
Other than that I am not replying to her last one for she doesnt get that I was talking about my father in law dying. My DH still loves his father and his mother but they hurt him badly.
This is where I still have hope for the two of you.

winterskibunny said...

Thank you for the good wishes. I know, I should stop visiting the blog, but I hope to see someone there I could like. I think that means I care about the fantasy and not the reality of the situation.

If it did work out some day, where we could have a mutual beneficial relationship, but I don't see that happening with the woman typing out there now.

I should stop visiting her blog, for her own mental health perhaps.

Then I forget what she was like though, and start thinking....

It's a viscious cycle.

Pamela Michele said...

Wow, this sounds so much like my best friends blog, or it could be her blog if she had one, I must refer it to her. She may find something in here to help her. He mother was never a true mother to her growing up, and until she was of the age where you realize "something's not right here" she thought this was how life is suppose to be and I believe that to be one of the most inhumane dogmas that you can indoctrinate a child with. It really has messed up her life for years. God bless you both... I hope she finds your Blog because I just KNOW it will do her some good. (But not in the "You are not alone" kind of way, loL! Blessings and much Love!