Monday, May 19, 2008

First Things First-Cowardly and Fake

My mother has a post. She is peaceably eating at Panera's and musing, if I wanted to talk about my business or the democratic convention, well then we could have talked LOL.

She is trying to defend her "threat" position. However, before I talk about the weather with this woman, I would really need to know how she can't admit she was wrong for trying to "out" me as bipolar on her little forum. When is that right, and the reason for a loving mother to do. She had said in another posting, that the reason she doesn't privately tell me of her concern, is that she doesn't want another nasty e-mail from me. I will display the link that the coward, er, my E Donor thinks is sooooo nasty. It's just the truth, that e-mail with no crude words or anything. This is e-mail number 1 and number 2. Both sent by the way after several public postings to me in a board, where she outed who I was when I used a false name as not to embarrass HER. She couldn't wait to tell the board, but er, did not get quite the support that she figured, as she was totally transparent to complete strangers.

The truth is she is a coward. She can't talk or e-mail that she was wrong. The fact that she was WRONG ABOUT me which was published recently regarding saying that I didn't care about my grandfather or my stepbrother's death, was as close as she has come IN FOURTEEN YEARS. And she still tries to cling to the fact that she actually thought that, and not that she obviously outright lied.

Same as she hides behind trying to protect me, as the reason for the bi polar post. Now, there she is doing something harmful, while I am not. Or she perceives she is doing something harmful, as she does not know that I do talk about it (or did not) on this very blog. Course, she has researched it, and so she is a medical expert on the condition , shades of my childhood. She is face, controlling, narsistic, and a liar.

So she wants to chit chat, but not about how a "loving and adoring" mother does the things that she has done. I post her own words to her blog, and she deletes them. Pretty hard to look at the truth in one's own typewritten posts. Must be.

She is clearly the one punishing me, by posting things she doesn't think others know. I find that very sick, mentally and emotionally abusive. So, she thinks I want to sit down and discuss the democratic debate with someone so ugly and hateful???? Or share my plans for my business. What for? So I can read that I walk dogs for a living again? I am sure said out of loving and motherly kindness. Fuck that.

One thing we do agree on. Life is to short to spend it with miserable self serving people. She is a stranger to me, but a bully that likes to push my buttons. I guess it's junior high all over again, where I found one girl that liked to beat me up, and I punched her right in the face. Cleared that up. It's also cleared things up for my mother for a period of time, until she thinks I am not paying attention again. What's she going to post about me next? I bet it's going to be loving and very motherly and concerned LOL. NOT.
If this woman really wanted to speak to me, all she had to say was "wow, I did some really inappropriate things. I am sorry." Clearly, it would be a bit fishy now. Or, I don't know how about this, how about proving she's not an asshole, but not posting asshole things publically all the time? Or criptic messages, as I have correctly understood them before. And she knew for two whole years about my bipolar, before deciding to out me. Uh, thanks? Now let me share some personal cit chat with you. Screw you lady. Fuck off, and try not to choke on your souffle. By the way, seems you are alone in Paneras.
She asks in the post above, what I may have accomplished in typing back and forth to her recently. Just a reverification that she is the ugly person that I thought she was. Her continued hiding behind excuses is comforting to me, as I can shelve my guilt at not contacting her. At not thinking there is a woman out there who really does love me. She is a woman who really enjoys her role of victim. The evil daughter who could care less that her grandfather and stepbrother died. She now sees that she was wrong about that. Oh goody for me, but she still makes excuses to me for it instead of saying how horribly wrong that was to do. Instead I get "were you ever wrong about anyone?" I guess, but apparently not about her. Think I am right on about her, but I can't really find out when she continues to be the ugly person that she is in her typing. Each time I go back to see what she has to say, I see more of the same. It think it's time for me to give up the ghost, that maybe she will be someone that I thought well of in my youth. I think most of what I thought, were based on surface facts and not knowing any better at the time. I mean I was a kid, how was I to recognize what was really going on in my family, until I grew up and tried to be me. Then it became crystal clear that I had been an accessory to them. They enjoyed me when I was little and under their control, and not so much as I began to split off and then run like the wind away.
I feel that I have given them every chance, and more chances then they are really worth to be someone that I could feel safe with. But when I look or read what they have to say, I feel those self esteem issues rise up again, and not the feeling of basking in the glow of the people around me who truly do love me warts and all. My E Donor always needs to be petted for her accomplishments. They are never really for her or to enrich her, but to show to the public what a brilliant person she is. My accomplishments are private, and I share them with people who love me. Although I do often get their approval in spoken words or dinners out, I don't need that. Just knowing that people love me, and I love them is enough for me. For my E Donor, it needs to be represented in material ways, no matter what she says. That is a sad and superficial way to live your life IMHO. My S Donor, the debt for having had to have me will never be repaid. That is the same for my E Donor too, though she doesn't like to admit it, as it's ugly. That when her control slipped as I reached adulthood, it was too much for her to be happy that her child had grown up and was happy. Instead, she had to complain that my husband got sick when we visited her. "Don't you just hate when you have to take care of someone?", she said. God help her husband when he gets sick or old. No, I don't hate having to take care of someone I love. I hate having to fake it for a bitter miserable bitch, who knows nothing about love whatsoever.

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