Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Post to Me on Public Board

Fist of all let me say, there has been no communication to her from me, but I did talk to someone else on the public board, without identifying my mother on my personal experience and this is what was sent (oh so much longer than any private post to me)

If a parent had sent me constant harrassing emails and had called me aliar, that would be troubling. I can understand how you would be upset by that. If you were available to be asked about your reasons for estranging yourself, then it would bepuzzling and upsetting why a parent would ask someone else about it.I have experienced being harrassed by a parent as my own mother did that onoccasion with me, sometimes calling me on the phone five times in a day or leaving long messages(25+ minutes) on our answering machine or calling at 3 AM to tell me she couldn't sleep. I know you remember much of what she did. This drove us all crazy for many years.

However, in your post on Rifts you are referring to my actions, not hers. That is how you remember our exchanges and how you feel.My memory of the email exchange between you and me is different from yours. We did exchange a lot of emails in a short period of time which we had never done before that September in 1995. I was upset too and hurt by some of what was said. If I hadn't been upset, I guess this never would have happened. Perhaps even if it hadn't been email, it wouldn't have happened. We both seemed to feel free to say more than we had ever said to each other in person. I did make an apology at the time for one thing that I said during the initial argument. This apology was never acknowledged and I have been called a liar for even stating that I apologized. I wish I had never made other apologies. It makes me feel like a wimp for having done so. But I cared so much about you and missed you so much that I would have apologized for the rain and wind for a time.

I am not going to apologize for being upset. I am as entitled to my feelings as you are and I felt upset and hurt by things that you said. I have never asked for an apology as it seemed obvious to me that I would never get one. Your refusal to talk to me beginning after that has made it impossible for me to talk with you about it. The person whom I spoke with about it many years ago said that they did not understand it either. I would have been happy to talk with you about it. It wasn't possible to do two opposing things: to give you your space and at the same time make you talk with me. From things you have said back then and recently I have been hearing two different wishes from you: that I would have tried harder and that I would leave you alone. And two different criticisms: that I harrassed you and that Ididn't try hard enough. (And if I try harder, then you feel harrassed.)

I can understand that you might feel abandoned if a parent didn't try harder to contact you but then at the same time you wanted to keep me out of your life. It's just not possible to have it both ways: to have a parent who keeps trying while demanding that the same parent leave you alone. So, as I have said in other places recently, I accepted your decision to estrange yourself. It is your right.

Like Jenny, I would have liked to be able to have a relationship where we were able to have lunch and just hang out sometimes. I will always miss what might have been but isn't.

Love (through tears),Ginny

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