Wednesday, March 15, 2006

A Deep Thought

I've also recently realized, I was also supposed to rectify for one of my parents, an estranged relationship they had with their parents. I was the proof of good solid parenting. That they did a better job than their parents did. And the way this was proved, was that I conform to their preconceived idea of what I was going to be like, what our relationship was going to be like, whether they approved of what I did, whether they liked my husband, and whether gifts received from me were up to par or at their tastes. I was also supposed to have their same interests of their same age group, and be going through the very same learning curve. Non-conformity meant the right to make my life miserable, and for me to continue to pay a debt that could never be paid or satisfied.

The one time "no" or "give me my space" or "I won't do that" could trigger the harassment, apparently, forever. Or emotional abuse. It could forgive breaches of boundary, privacy. It was payment in the form of less enjoyment of life, and of myself. I needed to give up that part of myself and conform. I am imperfect in that I, personally, cannot live that way. I need to take care of myself. I need to take care of the people that love and care for me as I am and who I am.

The only thing I wasn't representative to these people, is that someone that needed love, care, acceptance, and occasional support. The realization of this, and why this is just impossible for me, and why I can say this is impossible for me, is the reason I credit this period of peace that I haven't felt .......maybe ever. Wow. I may never have felt as truly happy as I do now, even with the baggage that is still left over from that. Huh.

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