Sunday, December 27, 2009

Perfect Fit Button Product

I have seen some bad products and informercials in my day. Can I just say, this is a class action lawsuit waiting to happen?

First of all it's like those pins you put on jackets and hats, that are just bound to stick you. Now you are supposed to hold back all this fat with this pin, to pin back a half an inch or so. Please, just man up and suck in your gut, it will be less painful.

I love the suggestion that you don't need to buy new clothes for your kids anymore when they outgrow them. Great mom, I get to pin my pants. Pretty sure a safety pin would be a little cheaper.

Good lord, I can come up with horrible products.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Elsie Snickers Rest in Peace 10/1/2009

Elsie Snickers was my grandmother on my maternal side. She died recently at a care facility. I am sorry that she did not enjoy her life, as everyone has a right to. She had an illness somewhere in her that (this is what I would like to think) prevented her from allowing those that had grown up loving her to be close.

I am not referring to myself in the above statement. I feel much empathy with her, having been trapped within the biology that she was born with (again this is what I would like to have think happened). She never really had a significant other to really share her life happily with.

I wish life could have dealt my grandmother a kinder blow. Please rest in peace, Elsie, and find happiness somewhere. I feel her death has released her from a very unhappy and unhealthy existence.

I don't write here much anymore on family issues. I felt that I needed to leave my memorial to my grandmother. Here are some memories of her:
  • She actually recorded me young singing, and listened to it in her adulthood. If you had ever heard me sing, you would be amazed that anyone would seek to listen to that.
  • I remember her little kitchen in the home she had when I was younger. Sitting at the table and talking with her.
  • I remember the Barbie airplane play kit that she bought me. I played with it all the time.
  • She had a box of my mother's old toys that I loved playing with at her house.
  • Christmas's visiting with her at her brother's family's house.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

LMAO Yet Fairly Disturbing

Every once in a while I check my sitemeter out to see who is visiting. If I see a couple of states, I figure that I probably know these people peering in.

Yet, once I see the title of what they were looking up, hopefully not. Here is what I saw when I looked up one viewer whose location will remain secret:

"which family member you want catching you jerking off"

Not sure why this pulled up my site???? Perhaps because I call some of my family members jerks LOL. Anyway, my answer to this question would be a resounding NOT A ONE OF THEM!!! Never mind that it would be physically impossible for me to do so anyway.

However, get help and thanks for the chuckle that you didn't even know you passed on this morning.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

What Is It With People That Don't Call First!

First off, I am delighted to see people that I haven't seen for awhile. You know, that is unless you interupt me in the middle of an mid day married person's personal activity!! Or something else that I may be doing and not expecting company to pop in.

My life really isn't so boring that I might not be involved in something. However, if you just called first, not only could I arrange my activities, but I could arrange something fun for us all to do.

Just saying. And just because we are an old married couple, does not mean you couldn't find us in a compromising position if you just let yourself in. And no one needs to see that!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Dear Time Warner Cable

Dear Time Warner Cable/Roadrunner,

I have worked with you on your monopoly our relationship during absurd fees for services, and not even being aware of what exactly you are withholding in your lump sum I am paying for. I have gone insane trying to figure out why my computer won't connect to the internet, only to find it it's something going on with TimeWarner cable’s service being down.

I have resigned myself that a special wiring is needed in order to not have wireless computer connections, which work right sporadically at best all over the house. We weathered the storm when we found out that TIME WARNER fraudulently intentionally configured THEIR ROUTER (which we were required to rent) not to reach our whole house (as others were sharing a wireless connection).

However, this last Saturday when you assholes rearranged my channels, and changed them to ones that my programs were no longer available on.....especially Harper's Island. I won’t even rant about mention the debacle.

Let's just say, I've been re-evaluating your worth to our relationship and me thus far. Dumb
I can get on the computer connection that I already pay for. I can even get it in High Def, if that was a priority to me. I now cannot get certain programs available to me on my computer on your service AT ALL. I'm just saying a simple wire from my computer to large television screen gets me all the same programming. A 17.00 per month fee to Netflix gets me about 40 movies a month, and some of these can go through a box direct to my television making it at least twice the amount of movies!! If I rent from you, I am paying 4.00 for any
decent movie per piece!!

So I am paying 40.00 for online service, 40.00 for digital telephone mail (which apparently can also be worked through my computer instead for much less), 40.00 for box rentals, and 50.00 for cable. You see my dilemma, right? I could be paying 40.00 for online, less than 10.00 for digital telephone through my computer, 0.00 for box rentals, and
nothing for cable.

I am sorry for the abrupt "Dear John" letter, but this just is not working out for me.


Jane Doe

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Lessons from Other Mothers In My Life

Although I am going to TRY for a humorous blog here, this one is of a more nostalgic nature. These are valuable lessons that I have learned from Other Mothers in my life.

1. Be quick to apologize if you are wrong.
2. Be there in the present, enjoy the moment with the ones that you love.
3. Laugh often and with feeling.
4. Don't let anything or anyone hold you back.
5. Talk, really talk.
6. Do not assume one is sitting in judgement on you. They may be simply interested in your life and interests.
7. It's okay to disagree.
8. Every individual can have their own interests.
9. Have an adventure!
10. There is no such thing as saying I love you too much. (sometimes this may sound more like "you don't call me enough" ET, see it for what it is "I love you and I miss you")
11. Everything is not in your control, sometimes you just need to accept that.
12. The only individual responsible for their actions is that individual.
13. Cherish the friends and family that are truly in your life.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Running Shoes????

Yeah I have been trotting along like an old overweight lady about 3-4 miles or 30 to 45 minutes a day for a little bit now. One of my clients was surprised that I did not have running shoes the other day. Is it so wrong to be wearing these?

Okay, just so you know, I am neither a natural or dumb blonde!!
It's not like I am breaking any speed records or anything.

I am hardly in the market or needing of the best technology in running right now . I am just glad not to be fracturing any bones, and that this old lady is able to do a slow trotting jog for that distance and length of time. My goal is to still be skiing when I am 80.

At the point that I consider a marathon or something, I will take the time to invest in the appropriate equipment, but my slow trot is not far removed from a speed walk right now . Not the time to be looking into camel backs (not camel toe sicko, a camel back is a pack filled with water, dumb ass) et!

The moment my dog starts needing to break into a run beside me, I will go out shopping!!

Sunday, May 03, 2009

You Might Be Twisted If...

This is a PSA for ways to identify whether you are, in fact, off your rocker or not:

1) You put caterpillars in your elementary school teachers shoes.
2) Had races with your childhood friends running around the house naked, as your friends (or you) tried to keep you (or them) out to be caught by the parents?
3) Sometimes eat meals backwards as the mood hits you (dinner, breakfast, lunch).
4) Spent hours thinking of products that could make you a millionaire using dog feces or dog drool.
5) Enjoy blogs posted by people clearly more disturbed than you.
6) You walked away from a high paying and power position to train dogs:)
7) Your idea of a cute man is a chubby Jewish guy with curly hair!
8) All your friends parents worried more about you than their kids when you were in college!
9) You had no interest in driving at age 16, and waited until it was a necessity at age 21.
10) Really enjoyed when your co-workers used to fart into the intercom at work.
11) Are sure of your own identity, and have walked your own path in life.
12) Watch Millionaire Matchmaker for any length of time (or perhaps you are more bored than disturbed, though I don't know)
13) Have a serious obsession with horror movies:)

Friday, May 01, 2009

New Bent to The Blog-31 Days Technically Left

Dear Readers,

I hope you don't mind if I change up my blog to something entirely more interesting AND a much better use of my time. This is going to become my satiric humor writing blog. It seems a more appropriate choice, though by my first goal of burying the donors figuratively, I do have 31 days left.

I know that I have had entirely enough on what either of them would have to say about me. At least one of them keeps their mouth as tightly shut as their wife's pursed disapproving lips . The other continues to show the ways in which they can not only not be trusted not to spread my name all over the place, but telling the truth seems, er, a challenge to them. As well as boundaries, and the understanding that someone they had cheated on in marriage most likely prefers to never hear from them again. I know, hard to figure out why that might be:)

I think I have burnt out on sarcastic things to say about that. However, there is plenty more in life that can be commented on I think, and I hate to bog down other avenues that I have to write with this cappola.

In the meantime, bible thumping Gale or BTG as I will refer to her seems a constant visitor now. Interesting.....

It's Not About You Anymore Folks...

98.149.147.# May 1 2009 1:06:42 am 8 28:15

AND ? (Commercial)
IP Address 24.183.184.# (CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS)
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : Massachusetts
City : Worcester
Lat/Long : 42.2647, -71.8089 (Map)

Ah guys aka the donors, you are going to find very little about yourselves here anymore.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Do I Really Look Like The Type To Be Intimidated?

Now folks, I realize there are a lot of wife beating creeps out there. They are unfortunately allowed out of their domestic abodes, and out into my world in public with me. There seems to be an awful lot of them where I live, and I tend to come across them on my beach walks. I am not usually the snotty nor snobby sort that talks about white trash or men that appear to live in the hills with no social contact whatsoever.

Being a former Junior High School student who was picked on by bullies, I am pretty savvy at the outright bully management system. The trick is to be able to tell the bully who will easily piss in his/her pants when confronted from the psychotic deranged jerk that will come to your home and kill you in the middle of the night. What I learned in High School, is the bullies stay away from you when the light weight victim of their meanderings instead waits for her moment to punch them in the face without provocation. Yeah, they didn't tend to come seek me out anymore from Junior High to the time that I graduated from High School.

One of the Junior High bullies was not caught in Junior High. My very first day of High School found the music teacher pulling me off of her as I zeroed in on her. No more problemos after that. Go figure.

In my adult life, I found myself working with cheap labor in the form of ex-jail convicts. I was the controller of a high tech corporation, and I suspect that their CEO had a particular reason besides cheap labor for his sympathies going to ex convicts. Not to mention that the VP did some time in CA for biting his wife!! I didn't realize this when I took the job, of course. The first time I realized this was when the chickenshit CEO had me also take on the Human Resources job to talk to Eddy about a problem. Eddy, as I was later told by a female co-worker, was recently released from jail for duck taping his wife to a chair and beating her. It was at this time that I started to see the downfalls of working for someone else to say the least.

Also, until I found my next job, I realized that I needed to be someone that looked like she would put up quite a good fight in the event of attempted homicide or raping (or both). This is where I learned to get right into the face of someone trying to intimidate me and swear/yell loudly back. As a woman, you will not last long in this kind of environment (not that you will particularly want to either) unless you can hold your own. I got to do the layoffs as well.

I left there as quickly as possible for other jobs that didn't particularly pick from the ex-convict population for their work force:) Still, I found supervisors that tried to intimidate my staff to let an undocumented expense go or embezzlement go. They soon found themselves on the business end of me, and forbidden to speak to my staff ever. At a time where the US workers were being laid off while being forced to train foreign counter parts, it became a very potentially dangerous place to work. I made sure that I always looked like someone not to be messed with, as I also scoped out exits of escape in the large manufacturing building.

So one would think that my idyllic career change would keep out the nasty people. Not always so, because they are allowed out on occasion to our beaches and such. Yesterday's altercation in asking someone to pick up their trash, ended up in threats to me that I better "watch out". His little girl was with him for the love of God. So I said "was that a threat? Do you intend to physically assault me in front of your little girl?" I would have said something more, but I actually did not want to upset the little girl just because her dad is a neanderthal let loose on the unsuspecting public.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Love in It's Widely Recognized form

It's been 18 years since our marriage vows (this year) and 23 years together in total. Blowing away my parents first try of 18 years of wedded hell (19 years or so of being together in total to account for my nine month incubation period). What is freakin hilarious, is both of my "loving" piece of shit parents have always downgraded MY marriage. MY "I didn't need to get married because some sperm landed on my leg and one lodged inside" marriage. Or my "found the first person who could fucking stand me marriage" (though I admit to that being quite a feat for that donor). Or my "second person I ever fucked while married marriage".

MY marriage which has included zero cheating on either's part, is not because we are afraid to die alone. No DUMB ASSES,
****Note inserted here, we would have had children to live in servitude to us. Yes you read that right chilDREN, because you need to account for possible death, the fact that they may hate you for good reason later on--due to the expected servitude---, moving away from you, and they may marry someone you don't like, so one couldn't possibly keep their fucking mouths shut for the one or two days out of the year that time is spent with the grown up egg/sperm combo. The big mistake my donors made was not making a few models to ensure that one would end up a whining, sniveling, back boneless creature. Instead, lucky them, they got me with a working brain and ingrained self esteem.
and the owners of the sperm and egg that spawned me have ever felt the feeling in it's true and widely recognized form, it's actually because we love each other...and not for one moment faltered. I realize this jealousy stems from not being able to duplicate this, and living in your own personal hell and all (karma really sucks doesn't it?). It's certainly not my fault however, I arranged neither marriages or the sad tragic little lives that live within them. Nor any health problems that anyone may have developed, though their postings try to blame me for it (since the suicide note didn't work). If I had powers that worked like that, I would strike one mute and fingerless (and toe less in case they had the fortitude to come back from that, which is extremely doubtful as exercise is a four letter word to, well, either one of them)

Neither of your mates (currently) are who I would have picked either. See you stupid pieces of narcissistic shit, this is called an individual making their well defined choice. Blame whoever you want for your miserable meaningless lives, we've just come back from the beach in our miserable lives LOLOL. I've gone jogging, he's watched a little Red Sox, and the earth hasn't collapsed in on us as it would for either of my donors. Imagine the ruckus that would ensue by a spouse making the smallest "mistake" in their houses!! In one a glass being broken or spilled milk, would be cause for much drama. In another, imagine that a sporting event would want to be watched in that very house LOLOLOL. It would be too much. The sonic boom would be heard around the world, cause it's not what they likely.

What is really sick on my egg donor's part is the criticism of my marriage because I have been married so long. Like until death or something, no shit that vow meant something. And not because I said a vow, but because I actually carefully considered who my partner would be. It wasn't just someone who leaked on my leg one night while I was in a drunken stupor. Imagine how a little bit of contemplation might make a marriage that will work, if you will. Now imagine what Ms Egg Donor might say if I wasn't married at all LOLOL. For Christ sake, would she fucking shut up already with her assumptions and negative criticisms and God awful whining. The she says "she never sees the good in what I say." Lady I don't need you to see what little good you have said about me, which is like 1% of your totally out there rantings to an audience that is too stoopid to see you for what you are. They are picked well, props to that.

Other people see me and know me. I don't need to put up with negative BS from either of , saying that my unhappy childhood is BS. Oh I guess that's why I didn't get out of bed even to shower for three years, that was my happiness at my childhood peeking through. Or how I started having dinner in my room only to keep out of your mother fucking fights that were the norm at dinner. Yeah, great childhood. Or finding one donor at home talking to men about how they were fucking person Y, that was great as well. Sometimes children tell their parents that they were good parents out of a sense of politeness, as the alternate version that one was a rotten egg sucking parent from hell that one would never wish on another human being, doesn't go over so well on those holiday occasions.

Though when gram told Ms Egg Donor that only whores wore red nail polish (which I agree is wrong, but it was Gram so it was freakin hilarious), and Ms Egg Donor went ballistic, I totally missed the joke, as I didn't know that Ms Donor was personally collecting other donor sperm. The thing is E donor convinced me everything she was doing was cool because S Donor was such an ass, but then later it occurred to me that things could have been handled just so much better and ethically. But narcissistic sociopath;s don't care as long as it fits in with their happiness. Hey let someone else tell me what was going on, and also notify me on the next marriage.

Ah yes, the proof is that Ms E Donor went to therapy and so she could not be a narcissistic sociopath. Um, I can't think of anything that would make Ms E Donor quite as excited as talking to someone about herself for hours and hours. Course Ms E Donor would have to pay someone eventually, because who the fuck can take that. Who cares? They both totally chose your estrangement. They both totally could not make a compromise of any sort, and broke whatever promises you made. A least one is a sick pathological liar, who deserves everything that is coming and more.
Heaven forbid one would express anger to either of my chickenshit parents, by the way. Certainly in person, it can't be taken after doing and saying inappropriate things in public or private. One is supposed to say "thank you, can I have another?" However, I am not being hazed in a friggin sorority here or in any club that would have the those two for members.
This has been a message from your sponsor: JUST SAY NO TO DUMB ASSED PIECES OF SHIT.
And if you are trying to mend an estrangement, this would be a really bad way to do it . However, if you are welding the little fucker shut, it is an absolutely inspired way of doing it.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Lyrics -Alanis Hand in My Pocket

I have been amazingly bad in actually listening to words to songs. So I have been doing this exercise in trying to duplicate the lyrics that I am hearing. Later on, I will go back and see what words that I may have missed. These are all songs that relate to me and my (sorry for those of you aggrieved by your estrangements) wonderful estrangements. I love my estrangements. I kiss my screen for finally making such good decisions years ago. I really could give a flying fart about what people who don't even know me think about it LOL.

I would tell the bible thumpers, the college people that took a psych course, to play this sound track when they take a suggest long walk off a short pier!! And while you are at it, ask yourself why do all my friends exist only on the internet? LOLOL. Or maybe why none of your three marriages lasted? Or pehaps if your estrangers made some stellar decisions in their lives as I did?!

I'm broke but I'm happy

I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

And what it all comes down to

Is that everything is going to be fine fine fine

Because I have one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I am sober

I'm young but I'm underpaid

I'm tired but I'm working

I care but I'm restless

I'm here but I'm really gone

I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

And what it all comes down to

Is that everything is going to be quite alright

Because I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

Because I have one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I am focused

I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly

I'm sad but I'm laughing

I'm brave but I'm chickenshit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to

Is that noones really got it figured out just yet

But I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other ones playing a piano

What it all comes down to my friends

Is that everything is just fine fine fine

Because I got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

Monday, April 27, 2009

I Have Found THE SECRET To Loosing Weight

Wait for it.

Truly an amazing discovery on my part, and let me just say, four pounds per week apparently.

I am going to be fabulously rich.

Wealthy, and thin beyond all belief

Wait for it...........

Giantuan toilet blogging turds.

Yes, you heard me, if you can produce on a daily base the most vile and seamonster of turds, which can be proofed by their toilet clogging abilities, you too can loose the pounds.

To find out how, mail me a 100.00 check, and I will share with you the secret of the turd!!!

Regardless of the Attempted Explanation...

So did you or I miss an apology there, or explanation as to why she needed to elevate herself by debasing her daughter.

Oh, and why was a drinking problem that is non-existent mentioned as well as a medical problem being the reason for our estrangement.

Publicly she wishes to exonerate herself, but privately let me let you in on a little secret. The shellac put over a rotten piece of wood does not make it worth any more.
Anyhow, between that and the lies about name calling in e-mails, it's a poor way to try and extend an olive branch, and just about as believable as the sky being a putrid green.
I am not dissappointed in my anger causing her not to have direct contact with me (that and the shame and guilt she must feel at being such a liar and excuse maker and shellacing over her rotteness). That is by design. It's not the anger that scares her, it's the truth. The truth that ain't all that pretty nevermind how you wrap it or stick a bow on it.
On my blog, I would like to tell Ginny where she can stick something. Big old fake.
Oh, and lest we forget the sharing of my name with her sick little gremlin friends. God help their (the gemlins or BOL club as I like to call them) children if they ever decide, er make the mistake, of reconnecting. Run far, run fast.

Nickelback-This is How You Remind Me Lyrics

Never made it as a wise man

couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

Tired of living like a blind man

I'm sick of signing without a sense of feeling

and this is how you remind me

this is how you remind me of what I really am

this is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you


I was waiting on a different story

This time out

Mistaking for having you a heart worth breaking

I've been wrong
I've been to the bottom of every bottle

Despite the words in my head






I'ts not like you didn't know that

I said I love you and I swear I still do

It must have been so bad

Because living with him must have damn near killed you

And this is how you remind me of what I really am

This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you


I was waiting on a different story

This time out

Mistaking for you having a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong

I've been down to the bottom of every bottle

Despite words in my head










Never made it as a wise man

I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind

This is how you remind me of what I really am

This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you


I was waiting ON a different story

This time out mistaking

On you having a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong

I've been down to the bottom of every bottle

Despite words in my head



Kershaw Lyrics

My totally favorite eighties song when I was in High School. Nick Kershaw's Wouldn't It Be Good. Let's see if I get these right!!

I got it bad

You don't know how bad I got it

You got it easy

You don't know when you've got it good

It's getting harder just keeping life and soul together

I am sick of fighting even when I know I should

The cold is biting through each and every nerve and fiber

My broken spirit is frozen to the core

I don't wanna be here no more

Chorus 1:

Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes

Even if it was for just one day

Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away

Wouldn't it be good to be on your side

The grass is always greener over there

Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care

You must be joking, you don't know a thing about it

You got no problem,

I'd stay right there if I were you

I got it harder

You couldn't dream how hard I gotta it

Stay out of my shoes if you know what's good for you

The heat is stifling

Burning me up from me inside

The sweat is coming from each and every pour

Chorus 2:

I don't wanna be here no more

I don't wanna be here no more

I don't wanna be here no more

Chorus 1:

Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes

Even if it was for just one day

Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away

Wouldn't it be good to be on your side

The grass is always greener over there

Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care

I gotta bad
You don't know how bad I got it
You got it easy you don't know when you got it good
I'm sick of fighting even when I know I should

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Ode To Grampa

About two weeks ago, I had occaision to be thinking of my grandfather. My grandfather was an engineer and a "man's man". The ramp to the attic in his little ranch was as well thought out and overly intricate as my Mercedes coffee cup holder. He rigged a bird feeder so all he had to do was crack the kitchen window to load, fill, and deliver. This was not done because he was lazy, au contraire. His CB antena would rival a radio signal tower. It was made of bits and pieces, spare parts, and how it remained upright is the mystery of his engineering mind!! It could have taken out three rows of neighbor houses!!

Alright so what had me thinking of my grandfather? Well two weeks ago I accidentally slammed my hand down on a sharp metal piece while helping out with our home projects. I saw things come out of the rip in my hand that a person should not see unsedated! There were fat cells, some streamers of white, and lets not forget the blood. Blood that seeped into my whole sweater sleeve as I held my arm up racing to the bathroom! You would have to be a horror fan to understand my sudden fascination with the amount of blood coming out.

Luckily my husband was home with me, as I would hate for anyone to come home to the bloody handprints and small pools of blood that followed in my wake. It looked like I put up quite a struggle.

Oh, I contemplated going to the hospital, but once the blood stopped and I realized how friggin painful it was... Stitches are't so bad, it's the poking prodding, and the damn needle that would probably make me punch the nice nurse out. My grandfather, on the other hand, once had an operation on his arm where he INSISTED on staying awake. This was no mole removal, mind you, this is where they cut his arm open looking for something. Being the over the top engineer he was, he wanted to look at what made everything tick!!

I felt a little like him, as I was examing the gaping rip in my hand. It was just the fatty part of my palm, so don't worry readers no harm done except to my poor flesh. Luckily, having had an injured dog or two dumped off here, I am much less likely to get all woosey at flesh wounds, though I admit to having a moment when the blood started. Bet I have never run so fast in my life LOL.

Friday, April 24, 2009

So Something That I am Truly Proud of

See my playlist to the left there? It is filled with songs that I not only love, but I think speak to certain parts of my estrangement.

Fionna Apple - Bad, bad girl


Alanis-You Live, You Learn

Alanis-One Hand In My Pocket (mislabelled online as Jagged Little Pill)

Annie Lenox-Would I Lie to You

Annie Lenox-Walking on Broken Glass

En Vogue-Free Your Mind

Erika Badu-On and On

Marylin Manson-Tainted Love

Marylin Manson-The Beautiful People
Marylin Manson-Antichris Superstar
Men at Worl-It's a Mistake

Nickelback-This is How You Remind Me

Nick Kershaw-Wouldn't It Be Good

No Doubt-Just A Girl

No Doubt-Underneath It All

Pink-Family Portrait

Pink-Just Like a Pill

What's your musical estrangement score?

It's Almost as Dumb as I Posting Under My Orginal Name at First...

You BITCH!!! Yeah that's right, I will allow you this one time to scream it out, and scream it loud and proud!

Gale of "God Bless" Gale and motherlode. Looking and talking about her son and daughter in law on estrangements ning site. Likes the bible and is very fond of calling the pot black, as a former kettle herself. (Son and daughter in law, run and run fast and far). Oh she shares her looney bin experience for those of us truly disturbed and needed psychiatric help. Cause there's nothing wrong with her. Bless her little soul. She is just an innocent little bible thumping peach. (seriously daughter in law, stop e-mailing her with anything)

Cheli, who likes to bitch about her daughters pregnancy online to strangers, and the particular details of her daughters life. No unflattering detail left out, and you wonder if this mother even likes her daughter. Her blog entry Fanfreakintastic is a delight, and should scare her daughter straight one way or another. I would personally run from this delightful character, who whines and isn't even estranged.

And then there is Leann whose DAUGHTER apparently has no boundaries LOLOL. Leann who would like other people's daughter in laws to be bitch slapped for supporting their husband in a troubled time.

These mothers on this forum are truly frightening, and think they live in their cocooned private place. Meanwhile, they are quick to either criticize someone for being up front with their story and name initially, and use it as an excuse to hunt them down and "research" them. Can I tell you how truly frightening to have my name posted on the Garden by these freaks.

I like the mother who just wishes that her daughter can not have the children she longs for, so she will see how her mother feels. Charming. Loving. So nice to be supported for such wonderful thoughts at Not at all a narcistic sociopathic audience.
As a narcistic sociopath, I should know. I should also know it's not to bright to broadcast this BITCH'S NAME ALL OVER THE INTERNET. If it weren't for you kids fleeing your homes as if rabid wolverines infested the place, I would say it may be the worst mistake you ever made.

Well, I got your pictures freaks, your story, and who knows perhaps someday your kids phone number and address to point them in the right direction. Then they will look like this:

I really think that when adult estranged children's parents are posting on public forums, (NO I REALLY REALLY HOPE) that their kids find them, and see a bit behind the curtain. It changed my whole outlook on my mother when I saw into hers and Her more sane and awfully boring ramblings can be found at I am sure that she will be happy when I share that her husband's name is Jim Maxwell, and I am pretty certain he was neutered quite some time ago.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

What a Dumb Ass I Am

Duh, shut off the profile thingy. OMG seriously, the one upside to having demented stoopid people following you, is you discover the dumb ass bread crumbs you have given them to follow.

Geez Louise, give me the award today for accidentally broadcasting my picture in a bikini to all of Facebook (figured that one out within seconds, fingers never moved so fast), and forgetting that even though I emptied my profile did not mean that the friggin link left my blogs.

Hey I am a dumb ass. Deal. I am a dumb ass that does not have a stick inserted in any orifice though, and that's gotta count for something, right?

Um, never look in google or yahoo images for dumb ass pictures.


No I didn't just find religion and pick a bible verse to share. This is one of the temptations. The stooopid people. Hey moron, do us all a favor and at least pretend to be searching the web for this page, rather than just typing in the address.

You are less likely to get your knickers all knotted up in your ass crack if you just don't read certain things.

I Am Ready For The Religious Freaks!


When we lived in the city, we had a "bible thumping door knocker" at least every week . My favorite when three Stick Lodged Firmly Up My Ass ladies came to save us from the sins that caused my mother-in-law to be dying. I can't imagine what would have happened if my husband had answered the door!! Be assured, the words coming out of my mouth contained neither "God" nor "bless" and my Dobermans were likely sitting behind me in the doorway (no one knows they don't know the proper meaning of "kill the religious nuts")

When we moved to a more remote location, where many dogs are regularly in my house or my yard (waiting for the command to attack), I thought we had skirted both the religious freaks and the kids that used to be bussed into our neighborhood on Halloween.

But a book thumping biddy not only went half a mile into my property, but opened a door where I was housing dogs to put in the very literature that could have saved me. We are idiots that do not lock our doors here, where no one could hear our screams. Instead, I strategically know where instruments of death may be found to beat someone to death, and ask questions later. Just a few more inches, and this lady would have found herself on the receiving end of a Caphalon frying pan (husband doesn't like that one anyway). It would have taken me awhile to search through the bloody remains to pick up the stick and literature to figure out who she was....Oops. My bad.
So now it's sunny and not so cool out, and the little church mouses must be poking their heads out of their hidey holes. Luckily the ice storms have provided sticks a plenty for ass installation. Their little lips on their face go into the typical pucker as well.
But this year, since it is a safety issue, I have my bible with upside down cross, face chicken with head cut off as my prop, and bloody butcher knife at the ready at the door. Oh yeah baby, I am on the look out. I am not going to wait until they knock this year, I will through my stuff on, stagger out of my house, and start zigzagging and doing all sorts of crazy shit on their ass.
I mean, it's better than the frying pan solution, right?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Oh, F It, The Blog Is Not The Problem

One of my favorite blogs made me realize that if I do delete this blog, I will have nowhere to post my vile profane musings. I really do need a place to swear like a lumberjack and be creative.

No other blog that I have does the job. One is my business blog, one is my horror movie blog, and one is my "life is good" blog. Just got a little freaked at all the little follower zombies.

So Fug It!!! I am back and God bless everyone:) If you think I am disturbed, I probably am and might know where you live. Just saying. F with me all you want, cause I will F right back.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

My Father-Goodbye Again Just a Formality

I look at this picture, and wonder if he liked our parrot at all. I doubt it. To him "it's a just a dog" or "it's just a cat". In fact a kitten in a picture in the photo album I have was put to sleep because we were moving when I was four or so. I am sorry I ever asked about that picture when I was older.
We did not share the same thoughts on animals. I don't think he likes or liked anything that he could not control, unless it was also male.
I sort of know where this came from in his upbringing, but all the same even if my grandparents tried to control through intimidation, they never would go through with it. They loved enough to adjust and accept......eventually.
My father is great with other people. He's a great host (unless you spill something) and he likes a good party. He has always gotten along great with his siblings. I assume he loved my grandmother though he got frustrated with her a lot, and had his own feelings about the reason for his birth. He also had the same entitlement that my grandmother had (but earned).
Not convinced he ever did like kids, unless they were gifted. He was a teacher and later a principal. Sadly his racism came out when he talked about the parents of the kids, yet I was brought up not to be racist or sexist. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized both of my parents kinda are!! And that was fine, so was my grandmother and that was there "thing", but it was just weird how they had pretended during my childhood. I am grateful for that however, as I believe tolerance and acceptance is the way to be. Whether my father believed it for himself or not, that is what was taught to me. It has stuck.
Not having been a stellar student in school himself, that did not stop him from judging others. I often wonder if he resented my mother's Masters degree at Clark University. She did much better than he did, but he still thought everyone else should be gifted. He also felt he knew all about psychology due the the introductory courses that he took at Worcester State. These were often brought up to me as the reason I must be wrong about my own thoughts and feelings.
Third grade is when my father disappeared from my life. Before then there were camping trips as a family, and shared moments. The moment I got a crush on my third grade teacher, Mr Sullivan, the resentment grew. It grew because I was getting my own ideas. It couldn't even wait until I was an adult. This too gave me the strength that I have needed, and that I have today. To forge forward and think for myself came from this emotional and verbal abuse. I don't think I will thank him for it, just acknowledge that it had an effect on my character that it might not have for another person.
My dad once gave me a teddy bear as a thank you, as his therapist told him he should do that when I was doing chores. That was nice, but that sort of thing was short lived. I don't think a one time thing was quite what the therapist meant. He tried it though.
When I turned 17 or so, he brought me out for a nice dinner with my friend. My mother must have already left, and he must have been trying to make it feel like a nice family. Also, he had gotten us Duran Duran tickets earlier on. He did notice what music I liked.
I never did get him though. I am not trying to list my complaints here, I am actually attempting (albeit poorly) to point out the positives in the relationship. He really doesn't like woman, and I do happen to be one:(

MIA My Mother

The person who has been lost is the woman sitting to the right (your side). I haven't seen her for awhile. One day, she disappeared from sight.
She used to bake me cookies on occasion. One Valentines day, she made me a very nice pink cake with candy hearts all around. On my birthdays, it was homemade Angel Food cake, whipped cream, and strawberries. I got as much of that as I would like.
I supported her, even when it should have been evident that she was not doing the right thing. I used to go to antique markets with her and help her set up. We used to enjoy looking at dolls and dollhouses together.
Even when I started to understand what had happened in the family, still I supported her.
The disappearance began subtly with friends. She didn't like my apartment she didn't like my friends. She really resented that there was a boy that I fell in love with. She really hated weddings. My graduation was really about her and my father. Her rage grew and infected everyone. Her entitlement to things that I couldn't provide became that I must not be doing well.
Eventually, I looked around and POOF the mother that I had thought I grew up with either disappeared or was an illusion in the first place. She wasn't the most loving, the most attentive, but I thought she was a nice person once upon a time. I look and look, but she is not there.
There is an angry old woman where she lived. She tells stories about me that aren't true, but I have no idea who this woman is. What the heck did she do with my mother?
Do you know?


Okay, I had to remind myself who my mother was, and what exactly I was being punished for. I answered questions truthfully, and shared things about myself on my web. Things that were shared, and if talked about in person with my "loving mother" would of course be used against me, duh. I mean, I know who she is, how stupid am I for falling into it AGAIN.

Really, I have grown in so many ways. That's why I am doing this, not for drama, but as a formal exercise and ceremony of letting go in ways that I have not before. (scroll to the bottom for the note to myself.

My "thanks" to my mom for this. Guess the two years was not working for her since she wasn't hearing from me, so she decided a little roll in her own feces would do:

"If you would like me to explain my post where I mention your bipolar disorder in another way than I have, I will give it a shot. Please realize that I have known about your disorder for over two years and have not, that I can recall, mentioned it on my blog previously due to my awareness that it would be a sensitive issue for you if I did. So for over two years I have not talked about it on my blog until a couple of days ago. (I am not 100% positive but I do not recall mentioning it before.)"

Yup, you got it, I fell for it before. I fell for the same tactic again LOL. Only now she doesn't want contact, she wants the arrow to find it's way home AGAIN. And she didn't have to explain, I got it. Much like I got:

"Since you haven't chosen from the items that you mentioned in the post above, I will choose one item that has bothered you a lot. That is about my post on Family Rifts in which I mentioned your feelings about your stepbrother and grandfather's death. Your belief is that I lied with the intention of hurting you.

Obviously I was wrong. "

No apology was forthcoming after that except the exclamation of "haven't you ever been wrong". No, in fact in posting in public a lie that would hurt someone that just happened to come on the heels of my mother finding out that I believed she was metally ill (which would have been a more acceptable explanation for me). However, I believe her when she says she is not, which leaves the unfortunate conclusion that she is just a horrid person, unfortunately, that is narcistic and likes to hurt the "daughter she loves" Ha!!

Here is my list for you, since that format seeems to make more sense for you (this was done for my mother because she kept twisting my words in my own list, she couldn't repeat back exactly what I said):
1) Did not appreciate the hurtful lies on a board about my feelings about my grandfather or stepbrothers death, mainly because it was a hurtful response to your finding out I thought you were mentally and emotionally abusive.
2) You are mentally and emotionally abusive IMHO. Due to the fact that you have a one sided standard for a relationship. You are not able to accept boundaries (ie spying on me, interviewing family members, bi polar mentionings, other public board postings about medical info that could be written privately, the fact that you respond publically most of the time to your "audience", and so on....I have mentioned them before).
3) While I have not pressed for more info on your "explanation" (there was none) of your mentioning my bi polar that was outside the realm of being spiteful and hurtful, as was in the past, instead of listening you EITHER make up your own stuff or start compiling "evidence". It never ends.
4) YOu don't listen. YOu don't absorb anyway. You make up lists, answers, other explanations, but the one thing that you do not do is listen. Or acknowledge or apologize. YOu do make dramatics for being asked to acknowledge or apologize. I was at first assuming these lists were an attempt to acknowledge, but I perceive a spin on my words coming about.
5) You have shown no interest in ME while you knew me. That is evidenced in your posting about my job and what you thought my strengths were. You were so busy making up negative stories, that you never enjoyed my successes or worried about my worries. Your worries centered around not getting the perfect gift. I did try to be there for you by doing things like organizing the clean up of your father's apartment, but it was never enough. And it was always about you.
6) YOu do not know how to have a two sided relationship. You do not understand love or define it the way I do.
7) You try to control things, and slam dunk things when they do not go your way. You assume that you are the only person that has gripes, and that you have nothing to gripe against.
8) Given the opportunity to move on, instead you took the opportunity to provide me with a "therapy" letter. You could not keep your word on the way our relationship could and was planned to go forward.
9) Given the opportunity to come visit and work it out, instead you took the opportunity to give a list of demands, after agreeing that we could do things that I liked to do for ONCE. Like I would force you to bike ride or anything, that wasn't the point. The point was you were again being controlling and manipulative. That would not fly anymore.

And I have grown, and continuing a relationship with my father was a huge mistake. It is possible that dissolving it sooner could have actually saved our relationship. Instead, it gave him more a sense of entitlement for his and her actions.

This is the list in my words. If you want to reword it, those are not my words. I won't retranslate for you. I think I have been more than clear on my viewpoint. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are trying to understand, but the continued rehashing of this does no good.
I am really mystified as to what you are trying to get out of it. This has all been said before. There is nothing new here.

You could have listened and understood this years ago, though perhaps I wasn't so good at communicating. I apologize for that, however, I am not thinking I saw great examples of communicating in my childhood. I am not blaming anyone, I am just explaining as to why I may have lacked some skills.

Any how, I am really done now. I don't need responses to these, but do that for yourself if you want. You had mentioned going to my blog as a means to help you. I don't want you to, nor think you especially want to.....I am just saying, you can do what you want to do. I certaintly keep on top of what you are blogging about. I don't use it as a method of communicating with you or your friends who are visiting. I don't write it with a thought of reconciliation, and I am sure there are harsh things there.
I just do a mental dump there, and like I said you are less than 10% of my postings. And most of my postings usually come along with thoughts of what was posted on your blog.
I do read your blog to reassure myself that I have not made a bad choice. Past actions should speak for themselves, but truth be told, I find it reassuring when you keep on making the same mistakes. I should say though, I appreciate your honesty of what really goes on in your head most times. I do feel as though you are "playing" me right now. Using an empathetic tactic, which clearly sucks me in. I have to honestly tell you, I don't see a time that I will ever trust that it is so. So if you are looking to get something by providing responses that you think I will appreciate it, it is for nothing other than perhaps the satisfaction that you may have made me feel better if not trustful.

Dear Robin,

You have done all you can. You offered every option and opportunity. You know where this lady's head is at. Move on, who cares. She will lie about you, embellish things about you, willfully hurt you, until she finally dies. There has not been been a time that she has actually loved you or cared for beyond an extension of herself. You know that for the love of God.


Wake up idiot. It's time to accept that she is just going to do it, and you don't even know the sick little friends that she "collects" to elevater herself with the lies and embellishments that she tells.

Sorry but you needed that.



How Stupid., Of Course

Dear Coward,

You need not bother to answer my question. I am very well aware that I am still in punishment for not talking to you. I know you not only want to hurt me, but you want me to seek you out.

The thing is, I have been totally over wanting anything from you, other than for you to stop lying about me for at least 10 years. I won't ask anymore, I will just hunt you down wherever you go in public to talk about me. I know when nice does not work, nasty works better, and I am not even warmed up yet:)

If you don't want to hear from me, I would suggest quite strongly that you stop. Otherwise, you will hear from me in many and various forms and forums.


Brave Enough not only to tell the truth, but in not needing to break down others to elevate myself:)

Who can spin the best yarn?

Oh, I think I can spin one better than Imaginny.

I started to, but then unlike my mother I did not have the heart to make up half baked stories. So here is my more simple one.

This is a yarn or fiction remember:

My mother was a wonderful loving mother when I was an adult.

Ohoh, and I was the victim of PAS syndrome:)

The End

Now that is what I call fiction.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Definition of Insanity

LOL. Here is where a bunch of parents have gathered that could not hack it on healingfromfamilyrifts Yahoo group, where there were also estranged children.

In their spare time, they like calling new members that don't agree with them emotionally unstable or mentally unbalanced:) Each and every one of them has of course, a child with mental problems, drug problems, or snotty bratty problems.

Looking for your controlling and narcistic parent, look no further than!! As for Gale, Susie, Cheli, and Lost2 for your lynching needs:) And if they know your mother TOO, I am sure they will welcome you with the same hospitality.


Step one: left every one of the sites for family estrangement, controlling parents, and narcistic parents.

I really like healingfromfamilyrifts Yahoo group, but I think it's time to move on. I didn't say goodbye, because I think it's cheesey and who knows I might be back:) I think I can handle these situations on my own now, and make plans to avoid them (her) in the future.

Okay all Imaginny's "friends" reading, now go run to her like good little gremlins LOL. Oops, I see you.

TIP TO THE ESTRANGED SON/DAUGHTER OR SON DAUGHTER WHO REALLY SHOULD BE ESTRANGED: This is what sends people like this (controlling) over the edge. The lack of control over you, and the complete lack of care by you of what they think about you. The fact that you can and will speak up for yourself will drive irrational people insane, sadly. However, that's neither your fault or your problem.

It takes several years of mistreatment to this to occur for you, but you can hope and pray that someday you just don't care anymore.

Let me point you to the place...

Where all kids are snotty brats, and your estranged mother could be talking about all the intimate details of your life with complete strangers. I bet you would be surprised at what your parents can say about you, when they think they are safe and in private.

It's even an apt term "stories". Cause I am betting, and knowing Imaginny who helped spearhead all this, my mother, she tells some whoppers herself. I already enclosed the link for hers. She is way too much of a coward to confront me with her version of "reality", because she knows exactly what the truth is.

Course now I am calling her names for telling the truth. Heaven forbid I should use any profane language for someone who treats me as carefully as she does.

Best thing that ever happened to me was when I found her website in 2005 (the her blog companions which are all linked here to my blog. She has tried deleting things since then. She has some whoppers on there still, but at least she used to be brave enough to tell her lies publically where I could call her out on them.

I suggest that any estranged children check out the Ning site, before the group moderator makes it hard to join, and find out if your parents are on there talking about you. It may save you from making a really huge mistake some time in the future, or it could present a dialouge to deal with the issues. You decide.

Karma Has a Way of Following You to Your Grave

Karma will follow my mother to her grave. She will cuddle up with her lies and manipulations, and go to the afterlife deluding herself that she has been right.

I hope she doesn't go on this journey alone, but I fear that will be her fate. On the other hand, it's not like it hasn't been by her choice alone.

At some point she will either own it, or there just is darkness out there in the universe (in that there is no afterlife).

At any point, I am sorry that she will make that journey without me, on the other hand, I accept that I can't accept her manipulations and lies as "love". She knows what she has done, even if people can't see behind the curtain of victim hood that she pulls over herself, and wraps herself in it's warm fuzzy softness, ignoring that it's really porcupine quills sticking into her. The present of love that she gives so nicely wrapped, is filled with cow manure instead of a glowing softness.

If others want to accept that into their lives, I guess I can just be glad that this person who is somehow related to me will not go to her grave entirely alone-perhaps.

On May31st, I will bury the thought of my mother ever reaching out in a way that I recognize as lacking in manipulation, deceit, and outright lies. This site will be deleted, and I will quit searching for the woman that might have existed once, and accept that she never did.


Question to My Mother

I would really love an answer to this. What is it that you get still spreading lies about me over the internet?

You later say that you don't want to post anymore because you are so inhibited by my "mental illness", and send me into a mania, yet you still post under essentially the same name?

And I seem to function quite fine, thanks. I have never been hospitalized or, er, suicidal and needed to use that to manipulate others. In fact, I don't need to try to manipulate friends, strangers, or family members at all. Sadly, it's all out there for people to see. I think you can sink a bit lower though, if you really tried.

Here let me make your day, so you can dance with glee again. These things may or may not be true, but should make you shudder with happiness to just think of the possibilities and perhaps spread them on your super secret forums:
1) We now live in a tent, as my husbands continued unemployment forced us into bankruptcy.
2) I am beaten by my husband and tied down in the basement. I only snuck up to access this computer and ask for help.
3) Not only am I estranged from my father, but I legally divorced him.
4) I was totally unsucessful owning and operating my own business.
5) In fact, I have NO friends. That's why I gotta stay with my husband.
6) I am a sad lonely woman who is now physically disabled.
7) I have not found the success of peace that I wanted in life.
8) Oh to my mother's audience, she is totally right. One day I just woke up and did not want a mother anymore. Wonder why that didn't happen with like a mother-in-law instead who wanted me to convert to judiasm, but when I said no, she gasp, said okay I understand. She did not make abusive e-mails, calls, or try to manipulate me.

That should do you for awhile. Now go......

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just One More Stab In The Back

Imaginny is at it again. She is no longer brave enough to post her lies and half truths on her blog, she has infected other forums instead where she thinks she is not seen, but she is.

I now had both my parents pay for my college!!! Hahahahahaha. First of all, my mother made it pretty clear that she felt it was my dad's domain. Second of all, he handled it by having me take out student loans. And third of all, I admitted my failings in college long ago, what possible reason could she have to bring it up...

Oh yes, now there is my mental illness combined with drinking. I have a lower form of bipolar disorder that I takes meds for it's simply depression for the love of God, but now it affects my relationships. I guess like my first and only marriage that has been happy and going on for 18 years now. It must also affect my ability to have a happy life to, as I do. I seem to also have a drinking problem according to her words. Let's think, why would someone be posting this about the daughter they "loved". Could it be to build themselves up?

Hmmmm. Not too transparent.

Oh, but we aren't over. She implies that a woman that she did not want to meet, by her own admission, influenced my estrangement with her.

Oh, but we aren't done. Then there was my unemployed husband, of 18 years now, who concerned her. Oh my husband who also lacked in self esteem, apparantly.

This is what she talks about 14 years later, about the daughter she was desperate to end her estrangement with, and she didn't know why we were estranged. I guess she answered her own question.

A Mistake/I Don't Need to Be There Anymore

I found this site by accident on Ning regarding estrangements. Ning is a pretty cool social network where you can do a lot of things. I was actually setting up a dog training site, couldn't figure that out so I set up another name and joined an estrangement site that I found by accident to test things on.

A very nice lady (I am assuming) asked me to share my story, and so I mistakenly did. I really should have done my homework first as I would have found that they were primarily mothers estranged from their kids. Not only that, most are within the first few years of estrangement. I had primarily felt guilty for not sharing, and soon found myself sucked into a void of mothers deflecting their feelings about their kids onto me!!!

I understand that. I just don't need to be THERE anymore, and I find I don't need anyone's sanctioning of decisions that I have thoughtfully and responsibly made in my life. There is nothing I will do to help these mothers there either, but it's also not my job to help them through this. I have a job and a life. A pretty good one actually, and I don't need to defend myself to complete strangers.

The more you get sucked in the more you end up defending yourself and sharing parts of your and your estranged stories that are no body's business unless you seek to share them of your own free will.

So take care of yourself, and take care where you find solace. I find healingfromfamilyrifts, the yahoo group so much more helpful, as there are people there not only from both sides, but having from first years experience to many years experience dealing with it. Some that have reconciled, and others that have not reconciled. Some who are accepting of their solution, and others not so accepting. I feel a better home is found there.

I recognized some of my mom's friends there as well. Yipes!!! (on the ning estrangement site) If I needed a string of quotes from the bible or Mark's book, perhaps this site would have been helpful to me. It's funny how the parents seem to go right for the surveying and quoting stages. Weird.

The post below is the one that I shared. What was I thinking?

May 31st 2008-last angry post, I think

I believe there may be an anniversary approaching. The anniversary of my last angry post involving an estranged realative. One year, baby. That is one year on May 31st 2009 (I think). I will need to verify that again at some point:)
I just may release this blog that day into cyber space!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sharing my Story from A Different Emotional Place

I got a nice note about "when I am ready to share". I realized that I have been hesitant to share, because I find myself in a strange place right now:) That of peace and acceptance, rather than anger and betrayal. Nope, it's not that I have forgiven (I don't think) or forgotten what has happened. It's more that I am concentrating forward without any effort these days. This has taken a long time to get there.

I have been reluctant to go back, but I think now I can explain why I am estranged without "emotionally" going back. Let's see anyway LOL.

So, I have never considered myself to have a great relationship with either of my parents. I had a horrible relationship with one step mo-nster, and a decent relationship with one step father.My parents were very into themselves while I was growing up OR controlling me. I didn't get the normal affection that I see that my peers did or that other children that I meet do today. So there is no real "relationship" that could be cleaved onto in the first place. There was much yelling and arguing in my house, while my parents finally figured out that perhaps they shouldn't be married. I knew this at age 7, I think. You did not need to be a rocket scientist.

I am not blaming any part of my life on this. In fact, I have a very wonderful life. I found a strength in me that I don't see in a lot of people. I am not recommending this upbringing either, as a model for parenting!! I am just saying that I believe I came out okay. I was not physically or sexually abused. I was emotionally and verbally abused. With a strength of character that came with this, also did the lack of communication skills that I still struggle with to this day. So it did not ruin me by any means, but it has affected some things about me.

My father, I swear, I should have stopped talking to at age 18. It's not until today that I see how I damaged myself by my lack of self esteem in this relationship. How I totally let it take me over and damage my confidence for a long time. Everything was superficial, and my father tried to control me to be whatever it was he thought I should be. Or to marry who he thought he should marry, even though his personal and professional relationships have been anything but stellar. Even though he later had to admit that I was doing pretty good for myself.

The last straw with my father was when my mother-in-law was dying. I don't know how it was possible for my father and step monster to make this about them, but they did. I finally decided that I had no time for them as they were. If they couldn't respect the fact that we couldn't allow them to control us while a beloved family member lay dying (literally) then they had no part in my life or family. Sadly, this was only four years ago that I came to this conclusion. Life has truly been less stressful and more fulfilling since.

Twenty four years ago, when the step monster stormed into my room and slapped me, should have been when this estrangement begin. Why did she slap me? Because my father said he would do the dishes since I came home late from work, and he didn't do them. So she came in, saw they weren't done, and decided the appropriate response was to wake me up with a slap. THEN my father dropped me off at my boyfriend's parents house, and later on tried to defend her actions to me. "Oh that wasn't really her" "She has nightmares about it now" (okay I am going back emotionally now) Well, good!!! I hope she can't sleep for the rest of her life. She did learn that 18 year old girls can hit back, however.

Instead, I went an additional twenty years with these people thinking it was because they were the only parents I had. Well, you know what, so what? They only drained, took, and wanted "appearances" for fathers day, and mothers day, and Christmas. Bite me!

My mother is an 11 year old story now. Similar though, in that my husband was in the hospital have 6 inches of his colon removed. My mother is incredibly narcissistic in that the world just revolves around her. She always got presents from me, but during this time she wanted to be sure she got exactly the right presents for her birthday. We didn't estrange simply because of that though, we estranged because not only did she bring this up when I had something very important on my plate (namely my husband's health), but she just wouldn't drop it after this. It became too much, and I simply couldn't and wouldn't argue it anymore. We had agreements where we wouldn't talk about it, but she simply wouldn't let it die. She needed me to give in, and sorry I try to pick out the best presents I can, just say thank you. She even continued after we agreed perhaps exchanging presents should just stop to keep it off the table.

About four years ago, I checked in on her public postings to see if there was any hope. We corresponded back and forth, and it was still exactly the same thing. I was able to move on from that with a clean conscience.So there it is. My basic summarized story. I have a blog on the earlier and angrier years if anyone is interested, but I only write on there every once in awhile now.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Hmmmm, A Quandry

Well, I still think my family sucks. I just don't think about it that much anymore. I will probably be writing in my Middle Aged Princess blog more frequently, and this blog may now die a graceful death, eventually. I can't help but think something else will come to the forefront to be mentioned.

One thing that I did not mention is that my cousins came to town. My father and the monster had them over for Christmas, and there was no invite forthcoming. Not surprising, but pretty hypocritical as my loving father tore up a Christmas card when the monster's name was not on it. This was after she completely ignored that Robert's mom was dying, to instead focus on trying to convince us to let her sell OUR house.

Course she is still doing swimmingly in the real estate market selling four houses a year in this economy. Down from her all time high point of five houses a year. This comes up as someone informed me that she had a listing from yet another one of a dead relative. She may have actually sold the house this past month, but if she did the property does not appear on her sales as yet. This could catapult her again to an all time high:)

Pretty much that is it, and I haven't been all that bothered by it. Just shows that they are who they are, and nothing will ever change it. And I can't accept that treatment. So there you go!!

Thank you all for reading. You probably won't hear from me as frequently as you might have in the past. You can still follow me at the following blogs:


Both of which ended up being ignored lately, but I am coming back to them. I just had some stuff to ponder over the winter months. Nothing big, just taking time to concentrate on business et.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

State of Affairs

I hope no one thought I had died from the cold that I had LOL. Things have been good. In fact, so good that I have had not that much to blog about on my "negative" blog.

In May, we have an unveiling to go to for my father-in-law. This is a Jewish tradition (my husbands' family is Jewish, but not me). It's nice in that the family gets together. It brings up a lot of the grief again, however, and I don't enjoy that so much. I prefer the tradition of wake, funeral, and over. It's hard enough getting through the "firsts of everything" throughout the year without a deliberate reminder.

Checked my mother's website today because I was thinking of family estrangements. She has a new poem. Instead of feeling the familiar anger that she does not own up to her part in it, I felt it was a well written poem. If I did not know the person or circumstances, I might feel sorry for that person. As it was, I didn't feel any anger or resentment. It's only been 11 years now LOL. Not really a fast journey for me. A journey that has contributed a lot to my life, however.

An amusing thing about the poem is that it focused on presents and packaging at the end. The superficial stuff that does not make or break a relationship....normally with normal people. At least she was giving this package to someone else, rather than expecting it to be done just right and given to her:)

Oh well.