Communication for the remedial student

In my life, I have ping ponged from being overly polite to overly direct and blunt.   These have been responses to extremes in my life.  Lack of balance previously and then while learning how to stick up for myself in an effective way influenced my communication styles.  I have to say with my donors and my step monster only nasty convinced them to keep the emotional and verbal abuse to themselves and among themselves.   I do not regret that, it was a necessity in order to disengage from them.

The direct and blunt me is more me, but had been more harsh than I wish to be later on in my life.   Pent up anger came out in a whoosh.   I guess it had to.  Is there another way for something held, suppressed, and held in a head lock to the floor to come out?   It was an angry beast waiting to eat the villagers that tormented it for so long.   The villagers were more than deserving of that anger, but internally in me that is not the way I want to feel in any long term way.

Now that I have managed who I have contact with, and how those relationships develop or don't...   I am a much happier centered and balanced person.   I'm not saying that the instinct to take down a toxic person with a lawn mower does not rear it's head, but the knowledge that I control how and whether I react at all (that I do now have this power, and am not powerless to the onslaught of emotional and verbal abuse NOR do I need to abuse my power in my ability to hurt back) helps me not be sucked into a void where my power and energy is being sucked into someone else's endless void of need(especially when they are literally a virtual stranger).

I have to say that I still have time being blunt about my boundaries.   I have an acquaintance for instance that tends to come over at the last minute for favors.   No thought that they are not expected, they might be interrupting my day or my plans.   Also to make matters worse, not in the interests of (always) paying an actual visit.   Instead of being honest with the person, which I could have been, I simply was sure to send them away when they called without explanation.   My husband was finally upfront with them, and we all had a nice talk about it. 

Relationships are hard, and I was avoiding the communication portion of this relationship.  BTW, before anyone claims it is so, I DID communicate with my donors and step.   That is the reason that our relationship cut off, because they could not respect boundaries like this.   This acquaintance, however, does respect these boundaries, and I did them a disservice by not talking to them directly about it.   Probably because of my prior history with how these conversations go with people who are less than empathetic towards others.

I just need to remember to extend my courtesy to those that may care about me, while also remembering that I do not need to engage with those who truly don't.

Exercise makes you feel good eventually right?

Luckily, I do know the answer to my own question:)  It does.   I've done two days of an ambitious work out routine to start.   Perhaps a bit too much.   Very sore muscles now, and wondering when my personal masseuse will arrive.

The wolf in sheeps clothing

Look at Anony Mouse comment on this post.   I don't know why such judgemental and ugly people never seem to see the help that they need to get for themselves, do you?

http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2011/08/open-your-eyes-and-see.html

I think it's interesting as this Anony Mouse claims to have a similar history, yet they can not see their own disfunction in what they are doing that is as plain as day.   But can they see others?   You bet!

And here are some great other posts on other blogs that deal with this!

http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2012/02/narcissists-grandiosity-game.html

http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/02/oh-wise-one.html

Christmas Cards

How totally bizarre is it that my aunt, who hasn't initiated any conversation or interested in my life...really ever...for over six years at least continues to send me a Christmas card every year?  It is just signed with my aunt and uncles name.   Not following a message, or a written Merry Christmas, or Love (which is good because we all know that to be true).

I think the one and only time she ever called me, many years ago before the estrangement, was to let me know we couldn't be invited to my cousin's wedding because she could not afford it LOL.   Bear in mind this was at the same time we were funding our own wedding (though my donors chipped in half each the day of as our wedding present---very small but wonderful celebration), and my cousins, aunt, and uncle had all been invited to ours previously.   I would have preferred no call at all.   Like now, I feel there was a reason for the call.   "Hey, just wanted to remind you that you are not one of us.   You are the black sheep, and we could care less how you are or what you are doing."  I mean could that message have just been left to themselves.

I am fine with the no contact, because truth be told I am done with that side of the family.   Each year I create more and more distance...not that they would notice.   I don't need to tell them "hey, I don't like you people.   I've wanted to like you people, and I've tried to like you people.  But you know what, you are just horrible selfish people, and I am better off without you."  I just stopped included them in card lists, stopped saying "oh come over when you are next here", stopped updating on of my family events, stopped keeping track of birthdays, stopped keeping track of where they live, and on and on.   It does not matter, they don't reach out or want to come visit me anyway.  So I figure we can all just stop pretending, and make opposite actions.

Does my aunt feel she is proving that she cares about me by sending me a cheap piece of paper once a year?   I mean, we both know she doesn't (ah but as her God child, she used to specially get me a Christmas present every year, superficial and material things matter most in my family).   She quite frankly seems to despise me and my husband.   In the brief times she has spent with us, she made no attempt to keep her disdain a secret.   It becomes an irritating reminder that my family sucks over the holidays.  My aunt is anonymous four in this journal entry that I found about a Christmas gathering with this "family".

If you are experiencing irritation at hearing from some estranged or not so estranged family members, well you are not alone:

http://aconography.blogspot.com/2011/12/demons-of-doubt-and-disappointment.html

http://estrangedfamilies.wordpress.com/2011/12/21/a-week-of-christmasfeeling-like-the-grinch/

http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/grief-the-holiday-season-12-strategies-for-cultivating-peace-of-mind-dec-21-2011-3-20-25-am-25

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-brenoff/the-holiday-madness-cure_b_1151816.html

http://www.manipulative-people.com/beating-holiday-stress/

http://contenthub.in/2011/12/christmas-blues-holiday-depression/

LMAO Seems Appropriate

Thankful for 2011 Thus Far & Wierd Dreams

I find myself thankful again (and I almost hate to say it so as not to jinx it) to have no deaths in the immediate family and/or our dogs thus far.   We did loose two dogs of clients this year due to old age and cancer.  We also have a family friend's father (and someone we know) who has suffered a stroke and heart attack right around now.  We are hoping for the best outcome for him, and his family.

All in all, after about an eight year stint of having close family deaths and deaths of our elderly pets (and one that was too young to leave us), it looks like we have managed a two year reprieve.  Just a little over 30 more days to go, and we will be into 2012.

I have been having some really bizarre and recurring dreams.   The circumstances of the dreams are all different, except for the pregnant bunnies and cats.   I never actually see the births, although sometimes I hear the baby animals.   One was a murder mystery dream, one was a dream about old friends whose house (this was never in real  life the case) was filled with pregnant bunnies and cars in cages.   And I have had some more that I can't remember, just know that they were different.

I looked it up a little, and gather it might be about creativity and taking risks.   Somewhere that is not far from where my mind is at these days, in order to further grow my business especially in light of some new challenges we are facing:)