Saturday, June 22, 2013

Bizzaro World

One of my cousins on eggy's side sent me this picture recently.   My Grand Uncle Ernie had forwarded it to her.  This picture brought out a lot of conflicting thoughts.   My cousin on spermy's side said "what a great picture of the trio".   This was not the foremost of my thoughts when seeing this picture.

The first thing that struck me is that I did not first think the yellow short woman was eggy.   She actually seems to look more like my Aunt Sojna (no blood relation to eggy).   Or maybe my cousin Debbie who was roughly her age, I think.

I think there are a couple of reasons I have trouble recognizing her.   One being, is that woman has almost no similarity in my mind to what I know of her now.   Even her interests...she used to play softball, we used to hike in the mountains, and I did feel loved at this age by both eggy and spermy.   I am probably six in this photo, maybe even five.   The physical exercise stuff she pretty much hates now, and may have even hated then.   It is hard to fit the perception of her by my six year old self, to my perception of her as my 40 year old self.  I can pick out things that hinted at what I understand her to be now, but taken as a one time thing could have just been anyone having a bad day or making a bad choice.   Looking back on days like this (I don't remember the exact one, but I remember days like this in the Cape) I see two people that I have not seen since (in spermy's case) age 9 and (in my mother's case) around age 16 or 17.   Though I would say I knew something was not right around Junior High, but the real realizations started to trickle in around 16 to my 20s.  

It strikes me how captive young children can be into their parents "situation".   There is nothing a daughter can do if their father dislikes women.   You can not keep yourself, for instance, from becoming a woman instead of a cute toddler girl who thinks her father is right in everything before learning to think for herself.   In third grade, I loved my teacher Mr Sullivan.   Not in a romantic kind  of way, he was just fun, interesting, and into teaching his students.   He made everyone in his class feel special.   One day I came home enthusiastic about a lesson or idea that Mr Sullivan had taught us that day.   I was met with a lot of hostility from Spermy.   I look back on that day as the day the guy in the picture above became deceased as far as my perception of him.   It was not that little incident understand, it is every incident that snowballed after that.  I never felt loved or cherished by spermy pretty much since that day.   I did not understand why.   I did not even really understand what was happening.   It was not until reflecting the course of our relationship later on, that I could pick out what seems to be a pivotal moment when perhaps both of our opinions about each other changed drastically.

It is clear now that spermy was threatened by my interest in my teacher vs my compliance in agreeing with him instead of forming my own opinions.   I was brought up correctly so to believe racism and sexism is bad.   However, I found later, that these were not the ideals of my donors inner most thoughts, and sometimes public verbal thoughts.   I know that eggy thought she was a feminist, and that she was independent.   However, much of what she writes is about the dependence she has on people viewing her a certain way.   Part of that is narcissist but part of that is also not understanding that you need to take the reigns of your own destiny.   And that is not representative of a strong or independent woman.

When those things start to diverge for me, I realized that my donors were pretty much strangers.   Through other events and things that happened, they ended up being strangers that I did not like at all.

It's so weird to see a photo like this for this reason.   It's like looking into an alternate universe.  A bizzaro world where these people grew together, were close, and lived happily ever after as the loving family they appear to be. 

I guess it troubles me that I had no control, and have no control of how the story of that family turns out.


Anonymous said...

Spermy and eggy...I love it!

Winterskiprincess said...

I actually think those terms are too cutesy for them, but I am not hard hearted enough to give them what I feel they deserves (as far as labels go).

Winterskiprincess said...

Some people that I would call parents, would be happy that their children were growing up and informing their own opinions. Instead of trying to squelch that for their own purposes. Or perhaps solely to soothe their fragile ego.

Tundra Woman said...

Yk, It took me years to realize Psychob did not know me at all-and didn't care to either. My only value to her was "Bragging Rights" but her underlying belief was I was located here for her to use and abuse at her whim. My feelings towards childhood and growing up (such as it was) remain to this day, "Fear/Terror and Powerlessness."
It also took years for the realization that I actually *was* a really good kid to sink in. If I had not NC'd I would have spent the rest of my life believing I was somehow Fatally Flawed and a Huge Disappointment as a human being.
Projection by a Cluster B "Parent" is nothing more than their own desire to escape the reality they failed spectacularly in every and the most important aspects of Parenting. It doesn't cost a penny to unconditionally love your child, to raise them to be INDEpendent, capable adults.
They are incapable of either. Unfortunately, they attempted to smear their own crap all over us and I'm sure I'm not the only one who was, in my younger years a "true believer." Until I wasn't.
It was at that point (NC) that I began to receive all kinds of really, really nasty "attention" which served to confirm and reinforce my NC decision and completely disabuse me of any perhaps unconscious belief to use Eggy's Words, "I might be wrong..." ;)

mulderfan said...

I've even worked with "professionals" who didn't "get" that kids have no control over their family situations and, in my case, have no idea that another version of the universe even exists.

I think we all have pictures like this where we're playing "happy family" or maybe there were times when we really were happy, especially as young children: a)We didn't know any better and b)Things didn't start to unravel until we were old enough to take care of our own basic needs AND began to question the status quo!

At some point in time (preteen) I like to think my parents were, at least, a little bit fond of me but around 13 it began to come unglued. Not sure why because they made me a virtual slave with chores at that point and I simply accepted it as my lot.

Eggy and Spermy is kinda cute!

Gladys said...

It's my belief that narcs think they created us, therefor they own us.

It's a "YOU BELONG TO ME" thing but with a Frankenstein twist. I created you, you have been mine since birth. You are my creation and I need you to work correctly.

They feel we aren't entitled to have feelings because WE AREN'T. We are robots fashioned by them, for them.

Then as humans we have the audacity to grow a brain and empathy and courage - these things were not created by them, they don't understand them and these things must be stomped and eradicated.

Think of Nightmare before Christmas (if you've seen it) the mad scientist made Sally, and owns her. She starts to wander outside the castle and he reminds her ferociously that he owns her! She tells him he can make other creations! someone more in line with his desires! So, he does. He takes half of his own brain and makes another creation, who is then much more compliant and responsive to the mad scientist.

They don't want you to 'grow up' because you are changing the dynamic they feel they are owed, seeing as they created you. You are a tool for them to use, not one of those people who live OUT THERE. You are different. You are belongs to ME, I CONTROL YOU ROBOT!

It's like the mirror thing - they created you to be just like them, and then when you grow (as I said) things like empathy they cannot fathom what the fuck went wrong with the building plans, they do not know such behavior, don't recognize it, it's a glitch in the system, all hands on deck!!

They fight to tinker with your tubes and wires to get you back under control - robots gone wild.

Anonymous said...

I so agree with Glady's that they think they created us from nothing but dust . Like we should be so gratefull they humped each other and the condom broke and they created this entity that became me and I should be their indentured servant for ever more.

Anonymous said...

In case you haven't heard of it, there is a group for people who were raised by people like your parents:

You will need a Reddit account to post there, but you don't need one to read the stories there. From what I have read in one of your longer posts, I think you will find the stories very similar to what you have gone through.

I am so sorry you have parents like that. I hear you... my parents are quite similar and I cut contact with all of them (bio and steps) years ago. It was all too toxic to deal with anymore.

Winterskiprincess said...

Thank you. I did read some of those stories and questions. Heartbreaking because I know how being there feels. And I know how working out of that state is. It is a lot of hard work and building yourself up. I am still not to a place where I inherently don't think I am good enough or have accomplished enough. I am getting there though, and farther along than I was!

That site is a great resource for anyone going through this.