Thursday, May 31, 2007

Thursday Thirteen (13) Future Blogging Topics


Well, I have started to run dry despite my preparations months ago, on Thursday Thirteen blogging topics. So it's time to start putting those neurons together and do some more. It's hard coming up with ones on family estrangement that don't go to my personal situation, which I am trying to blog less on. Well that's not really it, it's just that I am kind of over it and at peace with it, but I still like to talk about it to other people. Plus there do come those times where "interaction" makes it necesary for me to purge on this blog, but it does happen less and less now.



Any who, that is the idea on this next batch of Thursday Thirteen blogs:






  1. Various reasons that people become estranged which are not discussed so much in the books on purely family estrangement.


  2. Sites that talk about family estrangement in an informational sense.


  3. Online groups where support can be found for family estrangement or subjects related in some way to family estrangement.


  4. Books that talk about family estrangements or related subjects.


  5. Movies that are about family estrangements or related subjects (okay even I am beginning to yawn here).


  6. Reasons why my Sdonor, Edonor, or monster suck, oops already did that LOL.


  7. Reasons why my family situation does not work IMO only.


  8. Signs that a situation is not working for you.


  9. Dysfunctional family games and drinking games to use at a gathering of the same.


  10. Crafty activities to get the anger out.


  11. Nice things I had done in the past for my family.


  12. Ways to say, "I am not taking you in my house in your old age" (remember the Ways to Leave Your Lover Song).


  13. Responses and answers to difficult questions at a family gathering for the estranged or estrangee.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

WOESME WEDNESDAY


---First of all, hey dad, still haven't found another hobby? Haven't been thinking about you at all, despite the fact y'all were up for Memorial Day weekend, sorry to dissapoint. Life must be pretty miserable for you if you need to come here. We all make our own life, think about it. Didn't see DJ around, hope you guys didn't "get rid" of him, or if you did you rehomed him to someone who can properly care and train him.

---Second of all, well now that I know the Sdonor is here, I am going to have to write that woesme on another blog. Shhhhh, it's a bodily function that makes him so uncomfortable, he was having his daughter transport certain, er, products out of the house so as not to embarass anyone. Nice. Wonder if the monster was all dried up by then.

---Third of all, diet is going well, but due to the subject that I now won't mention on this blog (LOL), water has been retained.

---Oh fuck it, tampons pads period friend of the month your monthly guest period period period. Perhaps, I should have a monthly flow log until a$$hole goes away.
---You know, I probably seem horrid to the Sdonor. The thing is this, it cracks me up that he says he comes here to "check in on me". However, when there are blogs about my everyday life, he comes and goes in a second. When there is a post about or situation, he is on there for 30 minutes or so. LOL, yeah he really cares what his daughter is DOING, or maybe just what his daughter is SAYING.

Okay everyone, your best period story please!!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Introduction to Jack


And then came the time where business was slow. I thought, what a great idea to have a foster dog come in, and I will still be training a completely out of control dog. I am sure DRU was chuckling when they sent me Jack, a non aggressive boisterous red male Doberman of two years old. Just a couple of little issues......he will eat things that, er, are not digestible, and he doesn't so much take to leash training alone. I told my husband, he will just be here for a few months, then bingo a new home will be found. Well, DRU to be fair gave me the "few month" estimate LOL.








There he is above. On the muzzle picture, he is just helping me out model some equipment that I would use on an aggressive dog, and I am testing it out as to how easy it is to use on a friendly dog first (much recommended). I think he looks cute as he seems to be saying "what are you doing to me?"
So a few months turned into six months right before my birthday. Jackie (aka Wacky's) attributes had continued to grow on me this time desipte some inappropriate marking, submissive peeing, toy aggression (and the list goes on) of additional issues that had come up and needed to be trained for. He is loyal, fun, appreciative of his new home life, my dog's best friend, cuddly, and that list goes on too. So now I am in love with this dog, and the husband asks me what I would like for my birthday. He is now in love with Jack too, but at that particular moment he probably would have changed the question if he had guessed what my request would be. See, Jack also used to have a fear of some men, and even at the six month point hadn't really warmed up to the husband. They are very good buds now.
And there you have it, then came Jack. Now he is not a dog I would pick to compete with, especially my first try. It's bad enough taking a sound dog through all the mistakes you are going to make, and training for the usual pitfalls. With Leon's injury though, I have started Jack's training process for that. Yikes.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Memorial Day Weekend So Far

Friday Robert had off. Whoopeee!!! So we basically relaxed, hung around the house, rode our bikes through York for the 10 mile run.

***Should note, each morning I got up with the dogs for the off leash beach hours. What fun, not only were the whole normal crew out, but about a hundred more new dogs to play with. Leon and Jack had a great time!!

On Saturday, our tenants got a boat, and we went with them on the maiden voyage. Brandon drives like a crazy man LOL, he's from the coast guard by the way. Brie came with us. She was a bit nervous at first, but then she found her sleeping spot under the console. Also she liked when we stopped to see the sights.










We drove through the Portsmouth shipyard areas. Brandon sped through the bridges with somewhat low clearance, which we realized on the way back was a no no. In a "no wake" kind of way. Our tenants are like 22 and 25, however, so you can imagine that they have a need for speed on occasion. Did I mention that I was the only one wearing my life jacket?










There are some really beautiful houses along the way, other boats sailing, and then the creepy abandoned jailhouse.












Brie took it all in.











I started out the trip sitting on the back of the boat, and comforted Brie during the beginning of the trip while she wasn't too sure about everything. Going out of Portsmouth we went past some old lighthouse places, an abandoned jail that looks darned creepy from any angle, some parks that we have gone to, and some parks that we have yet to discover but look interesting.












Brandon was having a good time side swiping the waves and trying to get us wet. It was cool out, but warm with the sun out all the time as well. Very comfortable weather for a little boat ride. We hugged the coast and eventually found ourselves off the coast of Long Sands. Though we live here, it looked strange and different from the vantage point of being off the ocean. The Anchorage and RV park do not look half as large when you are driving a car past, as they do when you are looking at them in comparison to everything else off of the beach!! We hung out there for awhile admiring that view, and the Nubble Lighthouse that was up ahead.


I checked my voice mail as I had the Danes at my house. Their owners were coming back from a wedding and (due to memorial day traffic) no one was sure when they would get back. My client had left me a message on the home voice mail. I called her back from the boat, and we had a good laugh as I waved towards her house (she pretty much lives in view of the beach)!! They were about to go to dinner in Portsmouth, so I said I would just drop the dogs off at their house.


After Long Sands we went around to the Nubble, and then around the corner to Short Sands. Again very interesting to see all this from a different perspective. Around the bed and breakfasts a bunch of people were hanging out on the lawn sunning. Two bikinied women were trying to lure their dog back who had wandered down the cliff, and didn't seem to anxious to get back to his owners.


When we turned back, I moved to the front at my husband's prodding. It was actually more stable and comfortable than the back of the boat even though there was nothing there to break the wind. The back was fun too, like an amusement park ride. It is an advantage to see the waves before you hit them however, and easier on your bum bum.

We hit the York Harbor on the way back, and admired the just disgustingly huge homes there. We also drove through where they keep different boats, and admired some real beauties there. I can't remember if it was this or another way, but we suddenly hit five feet then three feet (oh it was later on in Portsmouth) of water and the boat almost got grounded. Luckily Brandon had all the electric equipment with the boat that let him in on this early on!!



On the way back, Robert's hat flew off, and Brandon insisted on turning around "as a test" to get it LOL. So Rob's Red Sox hat was retrieved and is safe and sound back at home.


After getting the boat back on the trailer, we stopped off for a treat at DQ!! I love soft serve. I was tempted by the sundaes, but in the end I got my favorite soft serve twirl with chocolate dip. Excellent, and my husband got the same. Brandon and Ally got Blizzards, and Brandon of course shared some spoonfuls with Brie at the end.


Home, I was exhausted LOL. You would have thought I just did some exercising, and I crashed out with the dogs for the rest of the day.


On Sunday our friend Steve came up. He brought his bike (a Cannondale street bike) and some fishing gear. We had high hopes of catching some stripers for dinner. Steve was going to teach us to fish, and his grandfather had taught him something about fishing. This was his first time surf fishing himself.


Course, here is an instance where I actually forgot my camera. Steve had brought his big rubber boots and everything, damn it LOL. First stop was the bait shop. Course I also forgot to warn Steve that many local businesses do not take credit cards. (not that it mattered that I don't think). So we were only able to get some Mackerel bait. As we were about to find out, an important part is to find the right spot (with the right bait and the right gear). Also the ocean fish apparently have teeth, so you need a heavy gage line at the end.

First spot we tried was a jetty off the rv park area. Talk about slippery walking, it was tough!! We didn't stay too long, as the tide was coming in around the back on our side, and was hard to watch. Robert got nervous so we decided on a safer avenue.

Then we tried the wiggly bridge. The tide was still low, so we went on the sand (aka mud bars) and tried our luck. Neither Rob nor I are particularly good at this. Rob thinks I had a fish because my bait got chewed, but I am pretty sure it was a crab if anything. My lure was dragging in the sand I think.

The tide started coming in really fast, so we adjourned to the bridge. The big joke (that Rob came up with) when anyone asked what we were fishing for, we would say "we are fishing for stripper, but we are having hamburger for dinner tonight", and we did. Next time, it was an adventure that day though.

Later on that night, we stopped at Fox's for some blueberry ice cream (mine), rob got a blue vanilla cone with chocolate and marshmallows which he thoroughly enjoyed, and Steve got some kind of Moose Chocolate ice cream which he also enjoyed. I think Fox's is so superior to Browns. Sadly, it looks like our in town soft serve place on the beach is not reopening this year:( I love that place. Oh well.

On Monday Steve had stayed over, so big bike riding day was ahead. Steve claims to do 30 miles everyday , and we planned for our normal 10 mile route. We go down ridge road to old post through the center, past York Harbor, the past Long Sands, up the road past the nubble light house, and then around the B&Bs on the cliff side of Short Sands, through Ellis park, and then back down church street, past long sands, up Beacon St then Turn on Ridge and down our Paul Street.

It was a good ride. On the way, there was an open house for a cottage for rent. Turns out the people in the cottage were the parents of someone who had just e-mailed me regarding daycare for her dog, Fenway a 4 yr old standard poodle. Nice people and small world.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Introduction to Leon









Even though we knew Neptune was on limited time since the diagnosis, it was still devasting when the time came. Ironically, that year we had been saying "if he can just make it to the Stowe trip". See we took the dogs with us to Stowe every year when we went skiing. It was great. We would walk a few miles in the snow with the guys early in the morning. They would be exhausted and sleep in the dog-friendly hotel afterwards. We went skiing, and then came home and played on the grounds with the dogs or cuddled in front of the fire. Everyone looked forward to this trip for the last five years.
Neptune had a great time on the trip, but seemed unusually tired. When we came home, he seemed in pain. We thought maybe he pulled something running, as his back seemed to be hurt. Found out at the vet, that it was a reaction to one of the meds, and he was bleeding out internally. We should have let him go right there, and we decided the next morning that was what we were going to do, but he left us that morning. I regret not being there with him. It was weird that he died right after that trip was over, almost like he gave us that one last time with him as a present.

Jazz and I mourned together. We were both depressed. As I knew this was going to be the case soon, I had started putting out some feelers regarding puppies that may be out there from breeders. I was a trainer now and needed a working dog. I didn't want to get another while Neptune was with us, so as not to put stress on him with his health issues, and he liked a lot of attention from me and my husband. We wanted his final months to be great. Me and Jazz were just unable to get out of bed.
A breeder called and let me know that she heard that a really good breeder had a couple of returned puppies or one not taken. (actually Leon was one not taken, the returned one had found a new home before I got in touch) Now I was mostly interested in temperment and health. I was not interested in conformation for showing the dog. Pam let me know they had an older red male, Ogre, there who had been passed up as he was too husky a build for showing. She also said he had a cute friendly temperment, and was probably what I was looking for. I needed a dog (and this is also my responsibility through training) that would be able to interact with other dogs, children, and human adults very easily. I have been trying to find the pictures the breeder sent me at the time, they are adorable. He is sitting on a cot littered with puppy toys, and sitting in such a way that his pink belly and giant toes are showing. He just looks so happy and mischievous. It's hard to say how his personality got captured so accurrately in his photos, but it did.
He arrived 1/4/2005 (he was born 10/18/2004) by plane in cargo. I was going to fly over myself and get him, but he was too big at that point to have in the passenger part of the plane, so he would have had to go cargo anyway or be driven up from Georgia.
One of my friends had said "get a puppy so you can see how much it truly sucks"!! Now I wanted a puppy because as a trainer you know more of what you have if you start early on. You can not see the unexpected issues in a rescue. This is not so important when the dog will only be a pet and not need to be out in public too much, but it is sooooo important when this dog will be interacting with clients.
Any way, Leon was an extremely easy puppy. House training was probably the worst of it, only because we were in a winter from hell!!! Puppies also need to learn to control their little muscles to control this. But that wasn't that bad at all, once we got through me standing outside freezing my buns off pleading with Leon to go now so we could all go inside . Instead of rushing him back into the crate and then outside again every twenty minutes. We made it through though, and there have been no unusual problems including the house training which went normally.
At six months, Leon and I took a road trip to Missouri to take a seminar with Martin Deeley at George Hobson's place. Poor thing started out with diareah the morning of our trip, so pepto and that stuff you give babies so they don't get dehydrated were packed. Leon was a trouper though, and this was not an easy trip for a puppy. 13 hours of driving for two days following two othe trainers and a few stops for meals and getting the dogs out and OH YES gas. Leon was not happy, but he weathered it and snuggled up with me at night and went fast asleep in the gross dog-friendly hotels we were at.
He was great at the seminar too, and started feeling better about two days in of the week long seminar. He had a great time during breaks from working where he chased other dogs and puppies around. He was the youngest puppy there, and so everyone got a kick out of him and his baby puppy toys that I had brought. The other dogs really enjoyed the chase games he did as well. That was in June, and then we moved to Maine in November.
Two bad accidents happened to Leon. He fell down the stairs one day. No injury appeared to have happened, but you could see he was stunned after he landed on his belly at the bottom. Then when our tenants got Brie, who is Leon's best friend, she ran through him one day instead of around.
Nothing really appeared out of the ordinary, and then I was training for the March show. His sits were always slow and I didn't want to physically force him to be faster, as his body was still developing. It did always seem weird to me that he didn't try jumping (not that you allow it, but Dobermans are known for their jumping skills) or getting himself in the Suv as would be normal. I just figured his muscles and structure were developing a bit slowly, and we didn't have to worry about that until we got our first CD. The March show went okay, and we might have gotten it if i didn't NQ us by signalling and giving the command in error. So we were disqualified, but I was just glad to have gotten my first obedience show under our belt.
Next show was in May, and suddenly Leon did not want to do autosits (very bad) during the program. This was actually the first time he just didn't. I just figured, you know "shit happens" and we will work that out in training. He did other stuff great that day, and it almost looked like we might get the leg without the auto sits, but other stuff knocked a few more points off. So when we got home, I had Leon nap. He woke up screaming and not using one leg. It was horrible.

Well, long story short, he has an anterior cruciate ligament at least partial tear. We could have done surgery for this. This surgery does not have a real high rate of success. Also, we have since managed it so the only part of Leon's life that has changed is that he doesn't do reps for competitions or compete. So soley as a way for me to compete with Leon, the risk was too big for us to take that we wouldn't get our dog back OR that we would get him back in bad shape and his life would diminish instead of improve due to the surgery.
Leon is very active with these steps we have taken, and his knee's scar tissue seems to be cushioning the joint just as some research had suggested it would. In reading other people's horror stories about going through with the surgery, I am glad (so far----knock on wood) we have come to the deicision that we did. Leon is such a cute and loving dog. He still does help out with clients and their dogs for obedience work, I just limit the number of sits that I will have him do, and watch to see if he appears at all stiff in his hind legs.
Leon's photo album can be found here, and his blog (not updated enough) is here where I am sure you will find some very cute video of him.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Introduction to Neptune 1/1/1995 (guess) to 12/20/2004











So a year after we had Jazz, then came Neptune. I thought Jazz might like a companion at home that was all her own, and the husband wanted a "big goofy male". Neptune was two when we picked him up at Doberman Rescue. Ironically, he seemed very calm when we got there, only because he had the mother of respiratory infections!!!
Neptune also later on developed cardiomiopathy which is a horrid heart disease in some large breed dogs, that is especially prevelant in Dobermans. He was diagnosed early on at about seven, and we were so lucky to get another two years with him. It is unusual. It was also expensive and stressful, but so worth it for those years. He was on 8 meds twice a day, and one of them cost 370.00 a month. Course at first for more than a year, he was only on two cheaper meds, but his heart unexpectedly changed a bit more than a year in. We were having him checked every three months, and in between a major change had occurred (course couldn't have happened coicident with a check). I don't know how we would have got through without our primary and specialist vets at the time. It was tough.

Neptune had a host of training issues, and I was not a trainer at the time. He bit me in the face once while doing his nails, and he was incredibly aggressive to strange dogs. It was the ability to work with Neptune (and we did use a professional trainer(s) to help us out) that got me interested in training and what could be done to help others with a lovely dog with some issues that could be addressed.
Neptune died before we found blogging. His photo album can be found here, but I know we have a ton more that I need to find. And if you scroll down the bottom of this blog, you will see some video of Neptune and Jazz is there!!
It was a bit rough at the beginning with Jazz and Neptune. I have a picture that I need to find where you can see clearly on Jazz's face of what she thinks of this new addition. Neptune tried to boss Jazz at first, but she bided her time and then made sure he knew what "the boss" meant, and it meant her LOL. They were great friends after the first few harrowing months. Sometimes a squabble would break out, but Neptune became trained at putting himself in a time out if he felt peckish. It was pretty funny. He would growl at her, look at me, sigh and then take himself to the quiet chair. I had the feeling he thought it was worth it every now and again.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Intro To My Dog, Jazz (Neptune, Leon, and Jack to Follow)
























First there was Jazz. She enjoyed being an only dog for one year. This is one of my favorite pictures of her, because she looks SO perturbed at me. She hates having her picture taken, and she is afraid of the flash. So I am probably very much reqiring for her to maintain her sit LOL.


Jazz Chases a Frisbee as a young girl.



















Jazz was adopted at age 3. Definately a high drive dog, but as with most Dobermans, content and hang out with you and cuddle. Then when you are ready to go, wow they are ready to go. She used to run so fast and much that she literally ran her paw pads off so many times. She is still alive and with us at age 14. She keeps the boys in line who you will meet later.

Her photo album in full can be found here. She also has a blog that I don't update as frequently as I should. I keep the blog to save the memories of her for when she leaves us. We hope that is never, but reality would tell us that is not so. Everytime I need to update the blog, it's that thought that goes through my mind and ironically keeps me from updating her blog.

Monday, May 21, 2007

My Childhood Home is For Sale Again




Ironically, the step monster that made such an issue because I would not allow her to sell my house, has not sold her own house. By the way, her house was on the market before ours was in November of 2005. According to the ad in realtor.com, there have been many improvements to the heating system, roof and such. Hopefully they were not using the same "help" that they did in the past. And cha ching by the way!! Must have been good and happy times while that was going on. The house started at 487,000 when they couldn't sell it, and now it's listed for 364,000.




Hmmm, wish I had used her? HELL NO!!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Bad Week on The Diet



I am still holding steady, but week 2 was a horrid week on the diet. Really no excuse for this, and I need to keep on keeping on. Having clients and keeping busy usually helps my diet, but not so much this week LOL. I have been crazy with hunger. Husband keeps making me hamburgers (no bun) but the fish really works much better calorie wise and filling up wise. Plus, cholesteral wise by the way!! Jeesh.

Swedish fish were probably not the best decision ever either, as I was craving them every day (and I could smell them in the bag in my desk drawer). Sweets are definately my downfall as well as carbs.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Excellent Day and Week All Around



I got two new clients last week. One toy poodle for a two week board and train to deal with a couple of issues. He is adorable, and will be a pleasure to work with.

One is a Golden Retriever that is having private weekly lessons. He's also an awesome dog. Very funny, friendly and though he's four years old, he's very young at heart. Really fun dog and very nice owner who loves his dog. Hardest part is going to keep the owner either from coddling his dog or pushing his dog. Slow and steady is what is going to make success to this team. Sadly, I do not have a picture of either yet, though I am sure that will change next week, and the toy poodle isn't in until the end of June.


Plus all my favorite boarding and past training clients are busy taking their weeks at Camp Mannerly Mutts, where all good dogs get very tired!! Right now we have Brujo who has played with Leon non stop in between napping when they get too exhausted not to go anymore. Course, Jackie is still full of energy!!




Friday, May 18, 2007

Funky Friday


Shoot did I take my meds yesterday or not? Hate when that happens. Either I will double dose or miss the day entirely. Well feeling good and healthy anyway.


Which suddenly reminded me, I did actually want to blog on my battle of the bulge today. First week was too easy. I went down three pounds, and now I am bouncing between two weights. My exercise schedule has been good, and the home gym has definately been made use of by me. The bike that moves outside down roads and such has been put to use.


The sweets thing this week has been hell. Even worse than the giving up of wine. So I went and bought some swedish fish and twizzlers. Funny story, I read on the Swedish fish package that 19 pieces = 40 gs (I misread 40 calories). So the first day, I had like five servings, figuring I was all set with 200 calories. Whoops, that would be 140 calories (times 5=700) Yikes, rest of the day I had no food course.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Thursday Thirteen (13) Thoughts That Freak Me Out


These things seriously freak me out if I give them enough thought.



  1. How is it possible for something to be infinite. Like the universe. How can there be no beginning? How is it possible that we even exist? Wow feel short of breathe even typing this LOL. This is the most freaky thought to me.

  2. What is my dog barking at in the deep woods where we live where no one can hear our screams?

  3. People who do evil things like serial murders. The ones that seem so "normal" other than what they freely and casually admit to doing (like reciting their grocery list) WTF makes people this way, and does one of "them" live near me or is known to me?

  4. When I watch programs like "snapped", I seriously can see one of the three toxic people in my life doing something like this to me. The wife who ran over and then backed up and ran over her doctor husband, totally reminded me of the monster. As did that other wife who killed her husband and his girlfriend in bed and never felt sorry for it. Thinking about that makes me nervous, because they don't live THAT far away. Though that astronaut recently proved, you CAN NOT be that far away from a crazy person.

  5. How much icky stuff do my dogs track in during the day? However the benefits of having a dog FAR outweigh any ick factor LOL.

  6. Childbirth, especially me ever naturally having a child, seems so UNNATURAL to me and strangely alien like.

  7. Why don't my parents love me the way other parents love their kids (unconditional true love not controlling fake love used to hurt)?

  8. My dogs are going to die some day, and it will hurt just as much as it did before.

  9. My husband may die before me, and can I cope with that even if I was financially set?

  10. I may die before my husband, and can he cope and be financially set?

  11. Will I regret not having children someday? Or will my husband regret not having children someday? I don't really think so, so it's not THAT much of a worry.

  12. Will I see my loved ones again when I die?

  13. Is there nothing after death, is there recarnation, or do I find out Roman Catholism was the right way ? I really think the last part is not correct, probably as certain as my grandmother was that this was the way to go.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Disturbing Dream


First of all, I am awake at 2:00 AM due to a thunder storm, and two dogs who hate thunder storms. One who can't hear it any more as she is 14, but knows very well what those flashing lights are and is now burrowed deep in my closet somewhere.


The other youngster, who has learned by watching her to be very afraid of the boom booms. Got them to both quiet down in a reasonable time frame, but now I am wide awake AND HUNGRY.


I digress. Anyway, I was having a very disturbing dream which was even more so waking up to thunder booms. We were in my grandmothers house (since sold and family occupied by the way). She was dead and gone, and it was completely empty except for some (imaginary as she never owned these things) last pieces of furniture that were either up for dispute or not wanted.


Have no idea why me or the husband were there in the house. The house felt different though. Dead is the word that came to mind when I woke up. The house felt cold and dead. Haunted not by my warm grandparents but by something else. Very creepy feeling although nothing officially happened in the dream. It was more about feeling creeped out.

TMI and HNT not here


You know, when you start posting things about yourself, and have been estranged, it seldom occurs to you that you will later be cyber stalked by the person from whom you have etranged. So if you don't think this post or sign is geared towards you, don't worry, it isn't.


At least not long term, sigh. Luckily I don't post my more fun TMI or HNT here, as that would probably be disturbing to the Sdonor and Edonor, and darned it, if it wouldn't be disturbing to see them there too. At least the Edonor took the hint and went away. I am now afraid to see who has been looking at the "more fun" blog. I know I would want to burn my eyes out knowing these personal facts about someone I know.


Could I just answer some sort of question for you and you would begone? This is really for me, not you. I do realize this is a public forum, but also realize I have not let on who you are nor the others. It's also by an unhappy accident, since taken care of, that you found this.


I could always move it, but then would probably loose the contacts that I enjoy speaking about this with on a regular basis. So, if you ever cared at all about me, just don't come back. Pretty simple.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Nothings For Free In My Family


Wow, wouldn't my title make a great country song LOL. Even a sincere apology or what should be an instinct to make a basic wrong a right, needs to come with a price. It can never, ever be done because it's the right thing to do. Something MUST be given in return, no matter how wrong they may have been in several matters. (this is true even when this has been acknowledged as having been done to their victim)

And if they were wrong "bite me" or "shit happens" are the mottos for the day. Get over it without an acknowledgement of any understanding.

Oh, and instead of listening or trying to understand, investigate everything else as the possible problem, not their own actions. Never, ever their own actions.

Must be PAS, PMS, bi-polar. Could not possibly be that they are a toxic person, no matter how many things they have done wrong!! Oh, and all those hurtful things they have done, those were not "deliberate", so how could they possibly be responsible for them?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Monday MeMe---Five Things You Don't Know




  1. Every place we have lived, I always pretend that the one creepy house (and there always is one) that you never see any "life" at is the vampire house.

  2. It seems like I have to pee every five seconds for the past few days (must have been retaining some water).

  3. I used to have a boa constrictor as a pet when I was a child.

  4. My favorite ice cream treat is Baily's by Haagen Daaz. It comes out like .005 times in a blue moon, and then I stock up.

  5. I have a hard time waking up early in the morning, though if I do, I am very productive.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Mothers Day


I have posted an appropriate and deserved wish for two people in my life that positively affected me in a motherly way. My Mother In Law and my Italian grandmother were forces in my life that I will never forget. I get to see my Grandmother's eyes staring back at me in the mirror, and they are a great source of comfort for me. Sometimes I swear she is looking back at me through them.

I was also going to do something to memorialize three other people: the Edonor, the Monster, and the Grandmother on the other side. I don't really want to muddy up my happy and joyful feelings for the two that I am memorializing, so I have come up with thanks for the other three or apologies:

To my mother: I am sorry that our relationship is as complicated as it is or non existent. I wish that I could just look the other way and deal with it. I am sorry that my spirit is too weak to allow for that in my life. I wish I could give you what you want, but I can't. I am sorry for that.

To my step monster: I am glad that you have come into the picture so I didn't have to suffer more than I needed to in order to "please" my father. You probably speeded up the process of figuring out that there is no pleasing him, and no one is really there. If it wasn't you, he would have found someone else like you, so there is no bitterness that you married my father. If it had been someone who did not treat me as badly as you did, I would most likely just be even more confused as to what it actually was that did not work for us in our relationship (my fathers and mine, I am not confused as to what does not work between us).

To my Maternal Grandmother: I am sorry for whatever affected you so early on, whether it is just severe mental illness or abuse that made this happen. Further, I am sorry that your spirit has driven everyone away from you with the possible exception of your brothers. I hope that you have managed to find some peace where you are. As with my mother, I apologize for not being able to deal with you myself in order to take care of myself.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Husband is Missing His Mom


It's been tough for husband to watch the news with all the Mother's Day specials. Mrs. Grace died around Christmas or New Years of 2005:( Unfortunately it had come after a long struggle to overcome cancer. Fortunately, due to that, there had been many frank and heart felt conversations with her children and other loved ones. There was nothing left unsaid.


Tomorrow on my other alter blog, I have my thoughts expressed on Mrs Grace, and my Happy Moms day to her although she is no longer here on this earth. We all miss her. She was my husbands other best friend and mom. I was going to say more there, but it's already on my tribute for tomorrow, and you will just have to go see!!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Freaky Friday

Two weird and freaky dreams lately, one which is a repeater:

Dream One: Husband looses his sheep like curls and becomes bald. Actually I find the bald and shaved look rather hot, never do a comb over. I digress. But when hubby becomes bald, what happens is he has this huge scoop out of his head. Not an open wound or anything but this enormous dent that we never knew was there before.

Dream Two: This one has been repeating in a couple of forms. Constant is that it is a family reunion of sorts, different family members in each, and none of them very closely related (cousins, aunts, that sort of thing). So the other nights involved traveling, boats, sinking, swimming, ocean.....alll gumbled together. No real plot that I remember.

I kind of lump this in with a highway dream that I have been having, where I am traveling to a relatives and then home. I get lost or the highway is weird with a mind of it's own.

Also one of a family reunion in Disney world. Getting lost in a fun park.

And there has also been one where the family is traveling to an exotic location, and there is an ocean where high tide always comes and we are trapped while swimming, but we aren't worried and it's kind of cool.

I don't know, this repeater seems the same but it comes in many forms.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Thursday Thirteen (13) Dangerous Things I've Done as A Young Adult



Well now that I have sort of let the cat out of the bag (on my alter ego blog), I should add one night stands when I was younger!! I feel they are dangerous because you don't know who that person is, and that goes whether you are female, male, heterosexual, gay, or bi-sexual. Wackos come in every sex, race, and religion. Not to mention what they may bring with them on the insides (diseases I am talking about). Now one night stands with someone you know (or think you do) is a bit different. The danger there though is that you totally ruin a relationship that may have had another dimension to it. I was never good at keeping the friend thing going once things got more intimate (except with my last one night stand, who hasn't left in 21 years!!)



  1. Rode on the back of a motorcycle that my husband was driving LOL!! (you would have to know how I think my husband drives in a car to see how stupid it would be for me to get on back of a motorcycle with him----a phase that was short lived, almost literally, by the way)

  2. ATV'd in college without helmets with some boys during spring break. There was probably drinking involved and perhaps other substances.

  3. Hopped into a truck in college that I assumed one of my friends was driving. When I saw it was some strange guy, I didn't immediately hop out.

  4. Allowed some strange frat guy to drive me home one night from a party.

  5. I am sure in high school, I was in someone's car while they were driving under the influence (I didn't drink or do any drugs in high school).

  6. My very first time skiing when I was nineteen, I went down some black diamond trails without knowing really, how to ski.

  7. Drank a mug of Captain Morgan's straight on a dare from a friend (last thing I remembered that evening).

  8. Did some drugs in college that probably were not a good idea to put in my system. Remember a couple of nights where my heart was racing way too fast.

  9. Drank "punch" at frat parties without really knowing what was in it. Remember one particular night where they put grain alchohol in the punch. Not good.

  10. An incident at Hampton beach that I am too ashamed to mention, but almost got me raped by two guys, except for my friends came in and chased them off.

  11. Used to walk home in a bad neighborhood of a city I grew up in. Felt safe at the time, and didn't have much choice, but when I think on that now.......it seems pretty dangerous.

  12. When I had insomnia in college, I used to walk around Lowell Mass late at night (or early morning) hoping to get sleepy.

  13. Working all night at a gas station through college to make ends meet. That was pretty dangerous as it proved to be one night, where I thankfully was not there!!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

WOEFUL WENDNESDAY


So, I have given up wine until I reach a REAL milestone in my weight 160. I am about 183 now, which I wish I could say was my heaviest, but 190 did come one day to my horror. Making me realize, seriously, this is no longer acceptable for a number of reasons. My career for one requires me to be physically fit. Try to contain a large exhuberant dog with behavioral issues and no strength with mostly fat and no muscle tone. Not good.
Second, I want to make sure me and my husband still enjoy many more years TOGETHER, or make as sure as I can. As we all know, nothing in life is guaranteed, and I even hate thinking about that. All that comes to mind is how miserable my gram was after grampa left:( Plus her eight other brothers and sisters all left this world before her. My grampa was pretty healthy and fit actually, he just had the bad luck to get some cancer and parkinsons. In the end, he just died in his sleep of old age at the hospital (he had gotten constipated, and passed away one of his first nights there). His last night on earth, he told me how much he loved me. Perhaps a bit hopped up on the pain meds, but still. I always thought I was more of a disappointment as my dad was always down talking me to my grandparents. Apparently my grandfather thought of me quite fondly. One way I was probably a disappointment to him was (in my angst of young adulthood and not understanding) that I visited him much more infrequently than I should have. Or called, even though the calls were basically "hi now we are busy by". I never realized that that still meant something to them, and just like me, you gotta catch them in a talkative mood. I was never much of a talker on the telephone (still hate it).
There is the ADD again. (actually I don't have ADD I am just highly distracted by trains of thought, which I can normally control, but this blog is sorta about letting it out when it comes)
Third, I like my face, especially, when it is thin. I also like my boobs when they are smaller, and only hope that they will shrink down to a B again (if not an A) from the gynormous Ds that they have become (which I H A T E). I would really like my thighs and calfs to be a bit smaller, muscle tone especially in the arm area like I used to have. I am not talking supermodel here, I was would be quite content at a size 9/10 with muscle tone. I used to be a size 4/6. Those clothes look so unbelievably small in the waist, I don't know that would be possible now!!
Fourth, health seems to have a good effect on the mood disorder of bipolar. Or perhaps, it's just part of the picture of total health.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Turistas


I have not seen this movie yet, but I am again in full swing horror movie mode. My recent finds which I talk about on my other blog, have made me all giddy and hopeful to find more gems. The most fun is finding "classic" horror that I didn't know was out there. The weirder the better of course.

Next is finding new movies like Hostel. It looks like Turistas is going to try and be a knock off of that, but it could surprise me. We will see, it's at the top of my Netflix que of course, but the three others are going back today, which means that the earliest that I will see it is on Wednesday.

Good lord, watching pictures of the recent tornadoe in Kansas. I took a trip to Missouri once, and never witnessed tornadoes, but I witnessed enough scary weather (to a New Englander) to keep me off any flat land states forever most likely LOL. Horrible to see what happened there.

By the way, Heroes, is anyone watching this? Talk about parent issues LOL. Silar apparently has some REAL BIG issues as we learned BEFORE he killed his mother last night. Wowee. You would have thought his mom would have known to stop her bitching, and seen what was coming up, especially after she cut her cheek in the snow globe incident. But then again, scissors in the chest accident or on purpose? Then there was the painting in her blood, didn't seem all that upsetting.

I am surprised the husband still loves the show after all of these dark turns. He is more a Disney guy, and though I am not as into it as him, this would seem to be more my genre.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Monday MeMe


I can't find any I like, and no one ever tags me:(, so here it goes.

1) What is your first memory?

Nightmare in my crib. I thought there was a monster with glowing eyes in my closet.

2) What did you want to be when you grew up?

Ballerina (never had any kind of dancing talent), Chef for a bit (never really could cook well), Veterinarian (no talent for biology), Flautist (actually did go to college for that)

3) As a child, did you ever see yourself married or with a family?

When I was five or so, I used to see myself as Barbie and my groom as Ken. Twenty five seemed about the good age as far as I was concerned (ironically age of my parents at the time). But then in adolscence, I really thought I would never get married or have children. I did end up getting married, but the decision not to have kids stuck. And if I hadn't met Robert, I don't think I would have found someone that I would actually want to get married to. It was never a goal for me.

4) Who was your first best friend?

Danielle in my kindergarten before we moved. Then Kathy, my nextdoor neighbor, when we moved to a house. Then Barbara in junior high, and then Carol in High School. In college Toby and Linda. I was never good at maintaining that kind of friendship except for my husband.

5) Who was your fist kiss?

Ross in kindergarten. Got in trouble because HE kissed me, and had to stand against the wall for the rest of recess. Then Paul in Junior High. Then Brendan in High School. Oops, wait forgetting an afterparty at high school where I kissed a guy that I didn't really like, and that I now forget his name.

There was a girl in kindergarten where we tried the ultra adult french kiss. Then in grade school, (how could I have forgotten Sarah?) there were some experiments during the Hardy Boy period where we would pretend to be one or the other and "pretend" stuff that I didn't entirely understand at the time.

Okay, might have given too much info there, but everything above WAS entirely innocent. It wasn't until college that the real fun began for me.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Couple More Thoughts That Rattle About in My Head

Sorry, please indulge me. When I write them out, I can stop thinking and obsessing about these things.

Dad wrote 1: "Someday we can learn to forgive each other".

Um, what does he have to forgive? The college thing? Wow, just hold onto that for the next twenty years too, will you? Don't do me any favors?

Or is it now the blog thing and the calling your wife what she is, a CUNT. I will never be looking for forgiveness for either of those things, especially from you. It has freed me, and given me a sense of peace that I never had before. There are some people out there that just want happiness for their kids, you are not one of those people.

Dad wrote 2: "You can't tell me more about what a bad dad I was, then I tell myself"

LOL, apparently I can. The more you talk and write, the more convinced I am that you are a sociopath (or pshychopath)? I think it's sociopath though. I don't know how that came about for you. I hope it's not the upbringing my grandparents gave you, as I love them. I can't help but notice the similarities in the material things that you and your siblings do seem to share, at the expense of human relationships or empathy, which is really more than I should say on that subject. However, I do believe grandma would be horrified to realize this (and especially my grandfather), but then again I could be wrong.

The thing with your siblings though is that they have not had nor sought direct access to hurt me. Their relationships with their children are their responsibility, and how that turns out reflects IMO what kind of job they did in the end. Or if they are able to respect common decent human requests from their children and not treat them like their property or an entitlement to them.

Thought 3: Both parents have had a problem or jealousy issue with my husband. How bizarre is that, and is why it feels bizarrely like breaking up a bad relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend rather than my parents.

My mom always was making snide remarks about how "loving and nuturing" my husband was. I don't know how you make that snide, but she managed too. She also projected much of what her relationship was with the Sdonor to me and my relationship which is nothing like theirs at all. For instance, my husband likes sports and the Sdonor likes sports. So that was bad, because he must be forcing me (and I don't understand how someone can force you to participate in something you don't want to) to watch sports. I occaisionally watch an event with my husband like the superbowl and enjoy it. My husband has gone to some concerts that were of special interest to me and enjoyed them. I think half the enjoyment is watching the other spouse having fun, and appreciating it with them. This is nothing the E and S donor ever had.

My dad intimated that Robert would kill me for life insurance money when we were together 15 years ago (I suspect my father wanted on the policy actually, and hoped I would die and he would get the money----horrible to say but I am actually being serious here).

Then my dad actually decided he liked him (oh lucky me) and Robert unwittingly became his errand boy instead of me. Robert would do things for him, because he thought it would eventually bring me and my dad closer together.

To each parent Robert was either a thing to be used or a thing that was a threat. Weird. Neither were truly happy for me, if anything, the joy that our relationship brought me was a problem for both parents. For some reason, it was very important that I remain miserable and dependent on them, even though they would never be there for me.

I don't know, it doesn't seem normal or healthy to me. Perhaps I am crazy LOL.

Sunday Sunday

I assume my "visitor" has stopped visiting, although he also has an aol.com account, and I see a few people from there with "untraceable" addresses have been visiting. It's so nice assuming the donor is not visiting my blog or in anyway trying to contact me. I think he has contributed enough unhappiness to my life that I am entitled to my freedom from any bond.

Both parents claim to "love" me. However, I wrote an article about what I thought love really was, and it's nothing like what has been shown to me by my own parents. I am confused about what "love" means to them. Unless it means being hurtful intentionally, deliberately, and for always even when asked to stop; then they do not love me. Period. It's pretty simple. I once told my father "you love me the way a serial killer loves his/her victims". I think that's more the truth. To my mom, I am a list of things that do not match up to her. To my father, my life and feelings are something that is now beyond his control. To them both, I am property, and unwanted property at that which was supposed to pay them some kind of dividend. Proof that ones parenting was better than their parents parenting. To the other, a status symbol that I was never interested in becoming for them. I am not an individual human being to either. I think to love someone, you also kind of have to know something about them. My parents could careless about knowing anything other than the lists they make in their heads of my deficiencies according to them.

Not a relationship that I want or need during my adulthood. I am grateful (in a way) that they both know how I feel about them, though I tried to hide and repress it for so long. What I found out though, was I was creating a prison for myself that would remain in tact for the rest of my life. Why? Because neither parent could respect my boundaries at all. They never would. This only recently became crystal clear to me regarding my father. I really had no idea how bad it could become, or that it could go back to the way it was when I was 19. I didn't fully realize the "peace" that had taken hold since then was ONLY because I was towing the line and not asking anything. That to ask my father to back off when my mother in law was dying would be an unforgivable offense that would not be respected, and instead turn into something all about him and his wife. It's really quite sick.

I can't even imagine how it was that these two selfish people got together during college. I know how it turned out in the privacy of the home, that's for sure. I remember that we got a Datsun once that the Edonor did not know how to drive. So the Sdonor went to teach her, and it turned into a crying and screaming fest. All over driving a car for Gods sake, and I was "lucky" enough to be in it.

If it wasn't for some physical characteristics to my parents, I would really suspect there was a baby switch at the hospital. I don't understand how I came from this union. I barely understand what the attraction possibly could have been in the first place betwee the Sdonor and Edonor.

Hey, I am not saying that I had the worst parents in the whole world. I just have parents that I don't wish to know in adulthood. Life's too short and all that. There are enough things in the world that make you feel unloved, lonely, worthless, stressed out, et. Who really needs these other beings that only contribute to that in your life? That are only there due to the "accidental" nature of your birth. I was a good kid, there that was my payment. Hope they enjoyed it, as I sure didn't enjoy my life with them.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Saturday Secrets


I finally came up with a secret to post to postsecret. I can't post what it is, as I don't want anyone to know, but I love the concept at postsecret, and it's been bothering me that I couldn't think of something. Then after a few glasses of wine tonight, I was like duh!! Of course.

So that's kind of exciting, I will probably work up the postcard tomorrow.

Kind of a short post today, still getting back to the "happy me" place.

I don't know if these situations work this way for anyone else? First I need to feel and bottom out. Then I have a day of the dulldrums (and neither of these have happened for a good long while, and I used to experience these at least once a month when I was in contact with the parent hell units). After a "mental health day" I start to become me again. The thing is, if I repress the feelings the bottom can and will last a really long time. Whereas when I "share" all my angst, we are talking several hours tops, and not any heart wrenching sobs et.
So that is progress LOL. My sense of humor has returned, but it was gone for a complete day. That is a travesty, my friends, and should NEVER happen.

Friday, May 04, 2007

How Can Anyone Remain Upset With This Guy Greeting You Everyday


My First Word Was Not Momma or Dadda

The first word I said as a baby was "kitty". I know because I fished the baby book out that was rotting in the insulation of the donor's attic. Did I know where my allegiance should lie even then?

I don't know why it bothers me, but one of my first memories with my parents is them saying "who do you like better me or her (or him)?" Back and forth they went in front of me. A bit of foreshadowing to later on in my adult life. There was much back and forth then too.

I realize I had a crappy childhood in the parental category, and that won't be changed. I don't even care about that really, EXCEPT that it has gone on into my adulthood. Now there are certain decisions that I make in my own life. When a relationship is just not working, in fact sucks the life out of you, you decide is this the way my life is going to stay with this person in it, or is it going to change? And can it in some way change by bringing it up to the person? Well, tried that, and nope that wasn't going to change it. Unlike what my dad may imply, not only were there many phone calls, but I tried to set up two meetings. One of which he said he would meet me any time, any where, and talk about whatever I wanted. When I came up with the time and the place, he couldn't meet me for a week due to dinner engagements (not late at night, not early in the morning), AND we had to talk about the BA monster.

Fact, he is never going to change. He will never respect boundaries, feelings, et. Decision, so can you live with that? Nope, change that, do you want to live with that? What is the "that" that I can't live with? It has to do with the shocking revelation that in a really painful time in my life, the donor would not step back, leave me space, and leave me alone. I really thought that when an important time in my life came, he would understand and be, well, not him. Instead the phone calls to me, to my husband, wanting to talk about the daughter/donor/monster relationship while someone important was dying. It's not the talking thing, it's that it was all about him at that point. Or the BA monster selling our house. How screwed up is that by the way? At that moment, it became very clear that it was time to cut the very frayed, dirty, rope that was pretty already gone anyway.

You know, life is short. I had a crappy childhood, do I want a crappy later adult hood? I mean if it wasn't for the alternate fact that while no one feels the need to be there emotionally or supportive on that side, there is the sad fact the same is not accepted from us. Something as small as t-shirts that were given as extras for my business, and I thoughtfully sent on to dad and BA were complained about because BA was not an XL. WTF, wear it as a bed shirt, it was a freebie. But no, I pulled out three from stock I paid for in different sizes. Did a call of "thank you come"? No, and by the way, "the request" was sent through the donor. Just a billion things like that going on every year, where my time, energy, and emotions are expendable to them. But call because your car is stalled, or you are in trouble. Forget it, take your chances or reap the hellish consequences of taking up any of their time or thought. Be sure to drop everything for them though.

So, er, I am thinking the answer is no. And to go "talk" to the donor (ie scream get mad, while he uses his "therapist" voice-----buddy you are no therapist) for him to be "right", and then go right back to him being, well him. I mean, assuming I went through all this trouble, wasted yet more of my time and life, and was the "good" daughter again......and it's for?????? What again? Why would I do that?

I am having, and am going to have a good adulthood. I am going to have to face those things, death of loved ones being the most devastating to me, although in the donor's world they are insignificant things that happen to people everyday. Welcome to the human race, he says!! LOL, he sounds like a real caring human being. It should be more like welcome to the society of sociopaths. Or is it psychopaths?

So I am going to enjoy my time with those people that I care about who have a short time on this earth with me. I am not going to waste any time working on a relationship that is nothing but harmful. (if I could embed music right now, trying to figure this out, I would put Pink's song here "you're like a pill, but instead of making me better, you are making me ill.") Unfortunately, I have found no other takers on my ad below to him. Don't worry, he has the monster's son, unless he also hasn't been doing his "duties" lately. Cause you know he has his own family and business.

So there is the decision that I made a year and a half ago!! And an excellent year and a half it's been by the way. Even with all that was going on in my husband's industry, it was great to just be able to get through it without these petty whining voices in my ear (I NEED YOU TO I NEED YOU TO WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO I NEED YOU TO) Instead to be able to talk with those that love me, not about what dickheads my parent hell units are, but about my situation, their situation, the weather, the day we had, dogs, dating again.......and the list goes on. It's nice. Sometimes they need me to do something, and I am happy to do it for people that care about me, and don't just use me for their purposes. Or are nice as "payment" for something. They are nice because they appreciate the person I am, and I appreciate them too.

I know, how utterly sick, huh? Spending time with people that truly show they love you, don't just mouth the words and then push you off the nearest cliff in the next second.

Bonus for you guys that have been zoning for dysfunctional postings, cause you thought my life had gotten all peaceful. Normally I save these up for future, but for "some reason" I have had an awful lot to say lately. The other thing is this, I just want to get it all out, as some can understand, get beyond the point where you need to talk about it anymore. I have actually had some people so freaked out by this due to their own situation, that they can't look right now. I totally get that, it's hard for me to look at it right now. The good news is I can feel it leveling out to "me" again:) It was weird to feel the things my "19 year old" me used to feel, but felt I could do nothing about. It's nice to have the power to be safely ensconced in my home physically away from my father and where my bedroom used to be under his control. That's what drives him the most nuts whether he admits it or not. Suddenly this daughter who he felt he had control over, has slipped out of his control, and is instead controlling things. I almost feel sorry for him, because it's not about to change.

Friday Fishing Relationships and Estrangements

Back to our regularly scheduled program:

Really Well Worded Article of the Difference Between Parents Who Say Things With Humor and Parents Who Are Constantly Angry and Demoralizing to Their Children

The Constant Battle to Recognize the Good in Us (Estranged or Estrange) because other people have been demoralizing or belittling for a period of our lives

Mother Holding Adoptive Daughter's Birth Mother Contact Info Hostage

Chose Second Family Over Their Own-A Daughter's View

There were a bunch more that I didn't pick as well, and maybe I should have. I think beyond
Thanksgiving and Christmas, perhaps the string of Easter, Mother, & then Father's day brings up all these feelings for everyone. I for instance do not have a clue as to why my Donor has started looking at these pages again. I only know that whatever he is looking for, he isn't going to find what he wants here. He can go take out all his angst and anger at what is left of his family. Let them enjoy it, good times!!

I think my dad should have been gay, and adopted sons. He would have been much happier, I think. He certaintly does not like the female race too much.

Sorry, y'all had to see that. Very embarrassing. I felt all those emotions I felt last when I was 19. I didn't, but I could have gone around the house smashing plates. Actually, I like my plates too much now, my mother in law left them to me. I haven't even used them yet:)

Again, ouch.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Sexist Musings

It's interesting to note that a person like the donor would assume happiness only comes in the form of him OR my husband. You know, cause you need a man in your life to be happy, even if they are a selfish prick:)

God, I am glad I met Robert too. We are best friends and life mates. And gee, yeah there were good times before Robert. Mostly they included my friends and me. Not so much "fun" with the parental units. Might have been fun for them. Hey I enjoy a good punching bag around the house too, it's just not a person and certaintly not my child or my pets. I bet that's good times for some parents who have little else going for them.

You know if I didn't have Rob though, I would rather be alone then talk to either of my parents. For them to be my only contact with people, I would sooner end it right then. Seriously. If the country was populated with people of that ilk, I would immigrate elsewhere.

There just might be this bit of a price you need to pay........when your kid gets old enough to make their own decisions and one hasn't even attempted to be a positive influence in their lives.

Lies and Fables

You know the Donor and the Monster lied to us on quite a regular basis. And for no reason that I could see other than that they were cowards. See the Monster wanted it to look like we were welcome at their home and not know we weren't invited to my dad's birthday party. If it was just said, instead of the following story, I probably wouldn't have thought much about it, as you know, I didn't invite my dad anywhere on his birthday, I just called to wish him a happy one. It was the lying however, and not wanting me to wish him a Happy Birthday in person, so I wouldn't know...

Story 1:

I had been trying to get my dad all day to wish him a Happy Birthday. At school he was at meetings, and so I had left a message with his secretary. Later on that afternoon, I called the house and the Monster answered. So I chatted then said I was hoping to wish dad a Happy Birthday. "Oh, he's at meetings today". Oh, I say when will he be home? "Oh, he won't get back from them until very late tonight."

Fast forward to someone's unveiling, wake, funeral or whatever. I am talking to Andy, and don't even know how it came up, but he starts talking about the birthday dinner everyone went out to that evening. Wow, like first of all, I don't "invite" myself anywhere.

Story 2:

There is the time we were going to spend the week at their Maine house with the dogs. Dad and BA said that a cleaning crew had just been there, and so the dogs couldn't come. We offered to pay for someone to clean after we were there, I heard dad bo "uh, BA they want to pay someone to clean after". See, I knew what she was doing, and so I just wanted to come out and say it, instead of pretending to be all nicey nice. "Oh, you and the dogs are all welcome", I wanted her to play her little games. When we got to the house, by the way, there were gardening tools under the furniture, and they weren't hidden, dirt on the floor, and the unmade made beds were not cleaned.

Great "housekeeper", like we didn't know that was a lie, and guess who got to clean up after her last guests. Which was no problem, again it's the lying thing.

Story 3:

Another example of a monster lie (do you get my pun there? step monster/monster lie, I kill myself); was when I was living with her and dad during a really bad decision making time in my life. Any way, I had hung up my favorite white angora sweater to dry.

I came back later in the day, and there was a blue BA monster sized hand print on it. I asked about it, and she and the donor said "oh gosh, it must have been the woolite you used". Oh, yeah? The clear woolite that was used on the whole sweater caused a blue, like the blue liquid detergent the monster just used, hand print shape (just about the shape of her hand) on my sweater.

Hmmmm, interesting.

The Effects of My Parental Relationships

Poor husband had to sit through the reading of some stuff today. "Wow, there is some real hate in that." He's right, I guess there is. I don't want to spend my time on this, but I have found bottling it up and repressing it worse. The writing thing seems to help. The fact that I had an audience just incensed me a bit more than usual (understatement I know).

We were talking on my first meeting his mother. I was very stand offish. I wondered, why are these people always stopping by and sticking their nose in my business? I didn't understand at first that they loved their son, as I never knew that sort of thing in my own parental relationships.

I knew blame, anger, criticism, threats, et al. That's what I would get from my parents, that's what I didn't want from his. Carefully, his mother and dad found a way to get to know this withdrawn suspicious girl. Both won my heart, and it was with great sadness that I lost Mrs Grace a year and a half ago to cancer. It was an incredibly hard time for the both of us.

To not be supported during that time is and was unforgivable. I don't even know why I gave anyone a chance to be forgiven, because quite frankly that was it. I just can't deal with people with that kind of lack of feeling for a complete stranger, never mind their own daughter and son in law.

The point is, this kind of treatment really damages people. It hurts them in ways that someone who is not being hurt like this will not understand.

Shit Happens as An Apology

The Donor says "shit happens" as yet another excuse for his behavior. Oops, shit happens, my mother in law died. I guess people in the line filing by the donor when his mom died should have said "SHIT HAPPENS, PEOPLE DIE." When the donor called us in the dead of night, and my tired husband went with me to the hospital, he should have snuggled back in bed and said "hon, shit happens. your grandmother is going to die. it happens to people every day" I didn't realize how insignificant it all was, until the donor brought it up to me. Of course he did not need to be there or show any support by not mandating a business transaction that he had not business (or his wife) even being involved in, because "shit happens" so bend to our ways.

Well "shit does happen" like karma comes in and bites you in the ass. Finally you get what you deserve. With all this "shit happening" does the donor honestly think he deserves a realtionship with me?

Gee, how come it doesn't work the other way. Shit happens, the daughter flunked out from college once? How come that is the mantra of the sincerely apologetic donor? What was that a four sentence insincere apology six months later? How dare I not take that seriously? All that time, and that is the apology I get?

Oh, yeah, sure come on back into my life. Let's talk for hours on all the excuses that the donorcan make for the BA monster, which was his stipulation. We couldn't talk about us, oh no, had to talk about the BA monster. Had to make excuses for her. Neither of them have an acceptable excuse. I do hate them, and no I don't think I will ever understand (what they want me to understand) or forgive.

What I do understand is that they are both hateful, selfish individuals who have no idea on earth what love actually is, or what family actually is. That I will not ever be sucked in their toxic hateful web again. That I should not be required to ignore their behavior like an idiot, while they nitpick and complain that we don't jump as high as they would like us to. While they pull out the you flunked college crappola. Shit happens old man, shit happens. Like your daughter hates you and will have nothing to do with you.

That kind of shit is happening to the donor not me. Tag, the donor is the victim. Not me.

I just feel so stupid for those 18 years I put up with it, when I could have been having some real fun times. What a moron I was!!

Sarcastic Sorry

Dear Sperm Donor,

I am sorry that I can no longer be the Black Sheep of the family for you and your wife to look down on. I apologize for having too much pride and respect for me and my family to allow for your conduct and excuses any more.

I am glad that you have the family you want. May they always stand beside you. May you never treat "your" three female grandchildren as you have treated the other females in your life (excluding my grandmother of course). May you and the Monster always continue to deserve each other and everything you get in life.

I hope that you will always feel justified in the recent things you did, as your daughter flunked out of college the first time she went during a hard time in her life, where all you could do was think of yourself. Obviously, I should still be paying that debt forward till now, and should have been paying attention to you, who was so contemptuous of me, rather than my mother in law when she was dying. I realize I should be whipping myself every day until I die at age 89, yet I am just not willing to do that. You have already had your say on this, and I already apologized a long time ago for being difficult during the college time. It's been enough.

I am sorry that you didn't realize having a baby would be a responsibility. Who hasn't worked two jobs? Jesus, I worked them and had no kids. The price of living was quite a bit lower when you had me. I am sorry I didn't come out of the womb ready to support myself. I am further sorry that my soul chose the parents it did (what was my soul thinking).

Yes, thanks for the pets, especially the lovingly killing off of them. That's a very loving thing for a father to do, leave them in an abandoned house where they die naturally from neglect. Just another way to get back at my mother & at me for looking like my mother? Oh, not to mention being born in the first place?

Who in our family besides you didn't flunk out of college? Uh Richard, John, went and did not get out. Seems like their parents are still able to love them, and not be abusive to them. To in fact be a positive influence in their life, rather than the sucking parasite you are. Me, Andy, and Lyn are the only ones that graduated at all, and I financed myself. An accomplishment that I am proud of, and happier that I do not need to thank and yet be beholden to you for any part of my life now. See that's the thing about not being present during it, you don't get to take any of the credit, and you loose a lot of the control that you would have sought to have. So I am sorry, but my life turned out well largely because you WERE NOT part of it. So, I should really be thanking you.

Thank you for leaving my life, for making it easy for me to leave yours, for being transparent even as you seek to present yourself in a different way to get your way.

I am sorry that I am a strong successful woman despite you. That a person like me would never want anything to do with someone like you. If only you could have been a complete stranger, so I would never have wasted my time trying.

I am further sorry that I am still taken surprise by what a selfish prick you are, as apparently I have held onto the hope that someday you would sincerely apologize. Remember, it wasn't even an apology that was asked of you, just allow us to sell our house stress free while Rob's mother is dying? Oh, so unreasonable.....I was taken unawares then. That's the definition of insanity though isn't it, I knew you were an unfeeling prick early on in my life. Wishing you were someone different will never make it so.

Just some DNA, that's all we have in common.