Sunday, May 06, 2007

Sunday Sunday

I assume my "visitor" has stopped visiting, although he also has an account, and I see a few people from there with "untraceable" addresses have been visiting. It's so nice assuming the donor is not visiting my blog or in anyway trying to contact me. I think he has contributed enough unhappiness to my life that I am entitled to my freedom from any bond.

Both parents claim to "love" me. However, I wrote an article about what I thought love really was, and it's nothing like what has been shown to me by my own parents. I am confused about what "love" means to them. Unless it means being hurtful intentionally, deliberately, and for always even when asked to stop; then they do not love me. Period. It's pretty simple. I once told my father "you love me the way a serial killer loves his/her victims". I think that's more the truth. To my mom, I am a list of things that do not match up to her. To my father, my life and feelings are something that is now beyond his control. To them both, I am property, and unwanted property at that which was supposed to pay them some kind of dividend. Proof that ones parenting was better than their parents parenting. To the other, a status symbol that I was never interested in becoming for them. I am not an individual human being to either. I think to love someone, you also kind of have to know something about them. My parents could careless about knowing anything other than the lists they make in their heads of my deficiencies according to them.

Not a relationship that I want or need during my adulthood. I am grateful (in a way) that they both know how I feel about them, though I tried to hide and repress it for so long. What I found out though, was I was creating a prison for myself that would remain in tact for the rest of my life. Why? Because neither parent could respect my boundaries at all. They never would. This only recently became crystal clear to me regarding my father. I really had no idea how bad it could become, or that it could go back to the way it was when I was 19. I didn't fully realize the "peace" that had taken hold since then was ONLY because I was towing the line and not asking anything. That to ask my father to back off when my mother in law was dying would be an unforgivable offense that would not be respected, and instead turn into something all about him and his wife. It's really quite sick.

I can't even imagine how it was that these two selfish people got together during college. I know how it turned out in the privacy of the home, that's for sure. I remember that we got a Datsun once that the Edonor did not know how to drive. So the Sdonor went to teach her, and it turned into a crying and screaming fest. All over driving a car for Gods sake, and I was "lucky" enough to be in it.

If it wasn't for some physical characteristics to my parents, I would really suspect there was a baby switch at the hospital. I don't understand how I came from this union. I barely understand what the attraction possibly could have been in the first place betwee the Sdonor and Edonor.

Hey, I am not saying that I had the worst parents in the whole world. I just have parents that I don't wish to know in adulthood. Life's too short and all that. There are enough things in the world that make you feel unloved, lonely, worthless, stressed out, et. Who really needs these other beings that only contribute to that in your life? That are only there due to the "accidental" nature of your birth. I was a good kid, there that was my payment. Hope they enjoyed it, as I sure didn't enjoy my life with them.

No comments: