Sunday, May 06, 2007

Couple More Thoughts That Rattle About in My Head

Sorry, please indulge me. When I write them out, I can stop thinking and obsessing about these things.

Dad wrote 1: "Someday we can learn to forgive each other".

Um, what does he have to forgive? The college thing? Wow, just hold onto that for the next twenty years too, will you? Don't do me any favors?

Or is it now the blog thing and the calling your wife what she is, a CUNT. I will never be looking for forgiveness for either of those things, especially from you. It has freed me, and given me a sense of peace that I never had before. There are some people out there that just want happiness for their kids, you are not one of those people.

Dad wrote 2: "You can't tell me more about what a bad dad I was, then I tell myself"

LOL, apparently I can. The more you talk and write, the more convinced I am that you are a sociopath (or pshychopath)? I think it's sociopath though. I don't know how that came about for you. I hope it's not the upbringing my grandparents gave you, as I love them. I can't help but notice the similarities in the material things that you and your siblings do seem to share, at the expense of human relationships or empathy, which is really more than I should say on that subject. However, I do believe grandma would be horrified to realize this (and especially my grandfather), but then again I could be wrong.

The thing with your siblings though is that they have not had nor sought direct access to hurt me. Their relationships with their children are their responsibility, and how that turns out reflects IMO what kind of job they did in the end. Or if they are able to respect common decent human requests from their children and not treat them like their property or an entitlement to them.

Thought 3: Both parents have had a problem or jealousy issue with my husband. How bizarre is that, and is why it feels bizarrely like breaking up a bad relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend rather than my parents.

My mom always was making snide remarks about how "loving and nuturing" my husband was. I don't know how you make that snide, but she managed too. She also projected much of what her relationship was with the Sdonor to me and my relationship which is nothing like theirs at all. For instance, my husband likes sports and the Sdonor likes sports. So that was bad, because he must be forcing me (and I don't understand how someone can force you to participate in something you don't want to) to watch sports. I occaisionally watch an event with my husband like the superbowl and enjoy it. My husband has gone to some concerts that were of special interest to me and enjoyed them. I think half the enjoyment is watching the other spouse having fun, and appreciating it with them. This is nothing the E and S donor ever had.

My dad intimated that Robert would kill me for life insurance money when we were together 15 years ago (I suspect my father wanted on the policy actually, and hoped I would die and he would get the money----horrible to say but I am actually being serious here).

Then my dad actually decided he liked him (oh lucky me) and Robert unwittingly became his errand boy instead of me. Robert would do things for him, because he thought it would eventually bring me and my dad closer together.

To each parent Robert was either a thing to be used or a thing that was a threat. Weird. Neither were truly happy for me, if anything, the joy that our relationship brought me was a problem for both parents. For some reason, it was very important that I remain miserable and dependent on them, even though they would never be there for me.

I don't know, it doesn't seem normal or healthy to me. Perhaps I am crazy LOL.

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