Friday, May 04, 2007

My First Word Was Not Momma or Dadda

The first word I said as a baby was "kitty". I know because I fished the baby book out that was rotting in the insulation of the donor's attic. Did I know where my allegiance should lie even then?

I don't know why it bothers me, but one of my first memories with my parents is them saying "who do you like better me or her (or him)?" Back and forth they went in front of me. A bit of foreshadowing to later on in my adult life. There was much back and forth then too.

I realize I had a crappy childhood in the parental category, and that won't be changed. I don't even care about that really, EXCEPT that it has gone on into my adulthood. Now there are certain decisions that I make in my own life. When a relationship is just not working, in fact sucks the life out of you, you decide is this the way my life is going to stay with this person in it, or is it going to change? And can it in some way change by bringing it up to the person? Well, tried that, and nope that wasn't going to change it. Unlike what my dad may imply, not only were there many phone calls, but I tried to set up two meetings. One of which he said he would meet me any time, any where, and talk about whatever I wanted. When I came up with the time and the place, he couldn't meet me for a week due to dinner engagements (not late at night, not early in the morning), AND we had to talk about the BA monster.

Fact, he is never going to change. He will never respect boundaries, feelings, et. Decision, so can you live with that? Nope, change that, do you want to live with that? What is the "that" that I can't live with? It has to do with the shocking revelation that in a really painful time in my life, the donor would not step back, leave me space, and leave me alone. I really thought that when an important time in my life came, he would understand and be, well, not him. Instead the phone calls to me, to my husband, wanting to talk about the daughter/donor/monster relationship while someone important was dying. It's not the talking thing, it's that it was all about him at that point. Or the BA monster selling our house. How screwed up is that by the way? At that moment, it became very clear that it was time to cut the very frayed, dirty, rope that was pretty already gone anyway.

You know, life is short. I had a crappy childhood, do I want a crappy later adult hood? I mean if it wasn't for the alternate fact that while no one feels the need to be there emotionally or supportive on that side, there is the sad fact the same is not accepted from us. Something as small as t-shirts that were given as extras for my business, and I thoughtfully sent on to dad and BA were complained about because BA was not an XL. WTF, wear it as a bed shirt, it was a freebie. But no, I pulled out three from stock I paid for in different sizes. Did a call of "thank you come"? No, and by the way, "the request" was sent through the donor. Just a billion things like that going on every year, where my time, energy, and emotions are expendable to them. But call because your car is stalled, or you are in trouble. Forget it, take your chances or reap the hellish consequences of taking up any of their time or thought. Be sure to drop everything for them though.

So, er, I am thinking the answer is no. And to go "talk" to the donor (ie scream get mad, while he uses his "therapist" voice-----buddy you are no therapist) for him to be "right", and then go right back to him being, well him. I mean, assuming I went through all this trouble, wasted yet more of my time and life, and was the "good" daughter again......and it's for?????? What again? Why would I do that?

I am having, and am going to have a good adulthood. I am going to have to face those things, death of loved ones being the most devastating to me, although in the donor's world they are insignificant things that happen to people everyday. Welcome to the human race, he says!! LOL, he sounds like a real caring human being. It should be more like welcome to the society of sociopaths. Or is it psychopaths?

So I am going to enjoy my time with those people that I care about who have a short time on this earth with me. I am not going to waste any time working on a relationship that is nothing but harmful. (if I could embed music right now, trying to figure this out, I would put Pink's song here "you're like a pill, but instead of making me better, you are making me ill.") Unfortunately, I have found no other takers on my ad below to him. Don't worry, he has the monster's son, unless he also hasn't been doing his "duties" lately. Cause you know he has his own family and business.

So there is the decision that I made a year and a half ago!! And an excellent year and a half it's been by the way. Even with all that was going on in my husband's industry, it was great to just be able to get through it without these petty whining voices in my ear (I NEED YOU TO I NEED YOU TO WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO I NEED YOU TO) Instead to be able to talk with those that love me, not about what dickheads my parent hell units are, but about my situation, their situation, the weather, the day we had, dogs, dating again.......and the list goes on. It's nice. Sometimes they need me to do something, and I am happy to do it for people that care about me, and don't just use me for their purposes. Or are nice as "payment" for something. They are nice because they appreciate the person I am, and I appreciate them too.

I know, how utterly sick, huh? Spending time with people that truly show they love you, don't just mouth the words and then push you off the nearest cliff in the next second.

Bonus for you guys that have been zoning for dysfunctional postings, cause you thought my life had gotten all peaceful. Normally I save these up for future, but for "some reason" I have had an awful lot to say lately. The other thing is this, I just want to get it all out, as some can understand, get beyond the point where you need to talk about it anymore. I have actually had some people so freaked out by this due to their own situation, that they can't look right now. I totally get that, it's hard for me to look at it right now. The good news is I can feel it leveling out to "me" again:) It was weird to feel the things my "19 year old" me used to feel, but felt I could do nothing about. It's nice to have the power to be safely ensconced in my home physically away from my father and where my bedroom used to be under his control. That's what drives him the most nuts whether he admits it or not. Suddenly this daughter who he felt he had control over, has slipped out of his control, and is instead controlling things. I almost feel sorry for him, because it's not about to change.

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