Thursday, May 03, 2007

Thursday Thirteen (13) Ways to Screw Up Your Children

Now, there are parents that should not attempt this at home. This takes real skill, effort, and creativity on most parents parts to achieve.

If you are going to go all soft, be proud of your kids, love your kids and that sort of thing, do not attempt this at home.

You too can have a child that will be more than willing to have nothing to do with you when they grow up. Course you have to sprinkle a little every day demoralizing, yelling, and degrading in. It can't just be these thirteen things. Effort, people, it takes some real effort to do this.

  1. If you have a girl at home that has gotten her "friend", let her know that she can't throw tampons or napkins away in the house as the "boys" are embarrassed.
  2. If your child is excited to go on her first car shopping trip with a parent, be sure instead to insist that they only go with their step parent who recently screamed obscenities at them from the top of the stairs.
  3. Let your child know, that it's always their problem no matter what, and no matter what it is, they should solve it themselves.
  4. If your child ever makes you late for work, even if it's not their fault, be sure to scream at them until they are sobbing hysterically once they get to school. Then pat yourself on the back, you have just made yourself feel better. Fine parenting.
  5. If your kid should ever bring up you ex's name, be sure to abandon them in a parking lot in a place they don't know with no money, no nothing.
  6. When you get a birthday gift for a kid, make sure it's a class where the stipulation is they need to spend it with a family member they do not like. Happy birthday!! Nothing says it like that. It's all about me, sweetie.
  7. Don't ever tell any of your co-workers that you have a child. This really freaks them out when they meet them at a family event, and they say "no, you can't be so and so's kid, I know their WHOLE family".
  8. When your kids are grown, ONLY call them when you want something. If they say no, do not take "no" for an answer. More than one no, and get your other spouse to chime in as well. Makes for good fun. Don't worry about what else is going on in your kids life. Who cares? Don't even bother to ask.
  9. Should their grandfather be very sick with cancer, be sure not to tell them. Then when they come back from college, and their grandmother wants to know why they didn't call or anything, they can look like a big asshole, and have had no idea that their grandfather was sick.
  10. When asking for a favor, offer something in return sometimes that you have no intention of doing. The crueler the better. Like if there are some torrals that are being made, the last with their grandparent, offer them a few of the torrals. Then make the excuse that they need to be finished at your home. When asked about these last torrals before the grandparent was not going to be at their home anymore, smirk smuggly and say "I ate them all, so sorry." Or alternatedly, offer to look in on thier oil tank when they go away, if they look in on yours. Then cancel that at the last minute being sure to ask "but you will still be looking in on mine, right?"
  11. Any time your child disagrees with you or let's you know that you are less than perfect, be sure to compare them to your ex spouse, especially if you really hate her. Nothing says "I love you" quite like that.
  12. Any time you do something wrong NEVER apologize immediately. First make excuses. If you must in six months, make a lame apology that never really says "I was wrong, I am sorry". In fact, be sure to blame it on your child "if only you told me you don't like being woken up slapped in the face, I would have done something about it". Clearly it's their fault.
  13. Ask to keep lines of communication open, and then don't send holiday cards or acknowledgements of their holiday greetings. When they ask about this say, well YOU wanted time away from me. Be really passive aggressive about this, it helps YOU feel better about YOU. AND IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU BABY. I DON'T MEAN THE BABY, I MEAN YOU.

Shit, I don't think I can stop at thirteen. Same problem I had with "what don't you like about organized religion".

13a) When your new spouse is verbally abusive to your child, have a therapy session where it's clear the intent is to talk about the "child's" problems not the problems with the family or new spouse that feels the child is in essence your ex. Cause you know, that's perfectly normal and not a problem at all.

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