Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Christmas Cards

How totally bizarre is it that my aunt, who hasn't initiated any conversation or interested in my life...really ever...for over six years at least continues to send me a Christmas card every year?  It is just signed with my aunt and uncles name.   Not following a message, or a written Merry Christmas, or Love (which is good because we all know that to be true).

I think the one and only time she ever called me, many years ago before the estrangement, was to let me know we couldn't be invited to my cousin's wedding because she could not afford it LOL.   Bear in mind this was at the same time we were funding our own wedding (though my donors chipped in half each the day of as our wedding present---very small but wonderful celebration), and my cousins, aunt, and uncle had all been invited to ours previously.   I would have preferred no call at all.   Like now, I feel there was a reason for the call.   "Hey, just wanted to remind you that you are not one of us.   You are the black sheep, and we could care less how you are or what you are doing."  I mean could that message have just been left to themselves.

I am fine with the no contact, because truth be told I am done with that side of the family.   Each year I create more and more distance...not that they would notice.   I don't need to tell them "hey, I don't like you people.   I've wanted to like you people, and I've tried to like you people.  But you know what, you are just horrible selfish people, and I am better off without you."  I just stopped included them in card lists, stopped saying "oh come over when you are next here", stopped updating on of my family events, stopped keeping track of birthdays, stopped keeping track of where they live, and on and on.   It does not matter, they don't reach out or want to come visit me anyway.  So I figure we can all just stop pretending, and make opposite actions.

Does my aunt feel she is proving that she cares about me by sending me a cheap piece of paper once a year?   I mean, we both know she doesn't (ah but as her God child, she used to specially get me a Christmas present every year, superficial and material things matter most in my family).   She quite frankly seems to despise me and my husband.   In the brief times she has spent with us, she made no attempt to keep her disdain a secret.   It becomes an irritating reminder that my family sucks over the holidays.  My aunt is anonymous four in this journal entry that I found about a Christmas gathering with this "family".

If you are experiencing irritation at hearing from some estranged or not so estranged family members, well you are not alone:

Friday, November 25, 2011

Thankful for 2011 Thus Far & Wierd Dreams

I find myself thankful again (and I almost hate to say it so as not to jinx it) to have no deaths in the immediate family and/or our dogs thus far.   We did loose two dogs of clients this year due to old age and cancer.  We also have a family friend's father (and someone we know) who has suffered a stroke and heart attack right around now.  We are hoping for the best outcome for him, and his family.

All in all, after about an eight year stint of having close family deaths and deaths of our elderly pets (and one that was too young to leave us), it looks like we have managed a two year reprieve.  Just a little over 30 more days to go, and we will be into 2012.

I have been having some really bizarre and recurring dreams.   The circumstances of the dreams are all different, except for the pregnant bunnies and cats.   I never actually see the births, although sometimes I hear the baby animals.   One was a murder mystery dream, one was a dream about old friends whose house (this was never in real  life the case) was filled with pregnant bunnies and cars in cages.   And I have had some more that I can't remember, just know that they were different.

I looked it up a little, and gather it might be about creativity and taking risks.   Somewhere that is not far from where my mind is at these days, in order to further grow my business especially in light of some new challenges we are facing:)

Monday, November 14, 2011

Cold Weather Plan

I need a cold weather fitness plan for this winter (never mind the holidays).   It's so easy to get out and about when it's nice out.   Historically, I have always preferred hibernation in the winter months!  It was dogs that originally got me active in the winter.   I like to ski (downhill) but it is not an activity that I can do everyday during the winter.   I do have indoor gym equipment, so this is something I am going to need to utilize again.

It's getting over the bone chilling cold of winter however that is the problem.   We choose to conserve a lot on heat during the winter.   Layering, of course, does help but when you go outside in the cold (which I need to do in order to appropriately train dogs) the cold (even if I don't feel it while I am out) tends to creep into my bones and sap my energy and strength by the time I go indoors.

I'm thinking maybe ensuring that I have a hot shower or bath waiting for me when I come in from long times in the cold weather?   I have most of the gear to keep me warm when I am out, but I still get the bone chill when I come in.  Maybe have some new clothes heated up for me when I get in.   I am going to have to figure this out, or I will have put on all the weight I lost NEVER MIND being able to loose more.  

Today is beautiful out, but recently it has been cold I went into hibernate mode for sure LOL.   I CAN NOT have that happen for the next five months.  

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Warm Weather, New Projects, Old Projects...

Getting a bit of a break here from the bitter cold that blew through in October.   This has my spirits on the rise, of course.   I am going to have to man up for winter, as I have at least one dog to ready for obedience competition (and am going to try and give Leon a shot in March of 2012---Boris has to wait for UKC events).  The great thing about winter is it's the least busy time of the year.   The bad thing is it's usually very very cold, and this saps my ability to get up when I need to train My dogs.   I need to do it though...   Also I am determined to get some indoor legs.   Boris and I take a Canine Good Citizen test on the 15th of November, and hopefully I will get that small satisfaction of getting an indoor something.   It's ironic as most people have trouble with the outdoor trials, but of course that is where I train most of the time, so indoor trials give me angst.  I bet a lot of it is the mental knowledge that I have not gotten an indoor one yet that holds me back.  Your mental state can have a lot to do with your dog's performance, and I know when I really feel confident my dogs feel it and their performance shows that.

On a crafty creative note, I am determined to learn how to crochet or macrame collars for my dogs (eventually fancy with beading).   This way I can have special holiday or dress up collars that I have made with my dogs in mind.   I used to do Christmas homemade cards for family, but it has become a time of year that I don't enjoy (due to deaths of animals and family) so I don't get that amped up to do it anymore.   So this is something new that I can do that does not bring up any sad memories.  It is also something that my grandmother used to do (and I have some projects that she started knitting, but never finished, which I would like to someday), but I never paid attention when I had the chance to when I was young.   I was more of a tomboy.  So it will be done with the happy memories of my grandmother in mind, and kind of a memorial to her talents.

Life is good.   I am not where I thought I would be when I was young, but I am in a better place than that:)

Friday, November 04, 2011

Miss Your Family On The Holidays? Glimpse My Past 2001 Christmas Eve and Christmas with Mine

Many years ago, starting in 1992, I used to keep a written journal.   Apparently, I detailed most of the upsetting things in my life.    I guess I have continued that trend in this blog, and it's upsetting because life is so short to allow people to make you this upset.   This is when Christmas had moved from Grandma's to The Monster and Sperm Donor's house (my old childhood horror "home").

I didn't remember these as all that bad, until I read this entry in my journal.   Half of the things I don't remember.   Actually, I am pretty sure I just blocked them out to be able to withstand the next year.  When I think back, I remember arrivals, small talk, eating, present opening, very little talk with the donor or monster (as possible), and being sure to help do the dishes at the end or set up at the beginning if I was early. 

And here is the delightful experienced I got to enjoy with my "family"on one of three or four occasions that we would bother to get together or correspond yearly:

Last year [Sperm Donor-not his title in journal entry] and [Step Monster] did not have much of the family over.   It was basically me, Robert, Andy [Step NB], Louise [Step SIL], my grandmother, and [Step Monster's Father].  We thought that year had been a little quiet and actually WERE looking forward to seeing the rest of my family.

Maybe I was too much looking forward to enjoying every one's company.   The food was great as usual, but...

[An aside, I am ashamed at how meanly I talk about my family here.   I picture myself though sitting politely through this, and here is why keeping things in is sometimes the biggest mistake you can make.   If you can't let people know they are hurting you, and come to some sort of agreement about your relationship, perhaps they are not worth keeping a relationship with, especially when you have the most superficial of relationships in the first place]  Things in bold are my additional additions or my attempt to "spare feelings" for any relatives that may be checking in on my blog, though God knows why.

The relatives [talking about "my side" here] were out of control.   It really brought me way down how nasty, rude, and obnoxious everyone was.   Well not everyone, but more than a few of these people.

Let's start with [Anonymous 1] the bitter [insert career path here].   You can just tell that [Anonymous 1] is a gem just like my [Anonymous 2].  So [Anonymous 3] starts questioning [Anonymous 1] about every aspect of his job & each [whatever it is this person does][Anonymous 1] hates when [Anonymous 3] does this, and kind of whispers that to me.   Then [Anonymous 1] very rudely turns the tables on [Anonymous 3], and is a real asshole to [Anonymous 3], which [Anonymous 3] does not seem to pick up on.   Robert thought it was funny, but I thought it was really horrible and embarrassing.

Meanwhile [Anonymous 4] is getting even more boozed up than normal.   Mind you, [Anonymous 4] shouldn't feel on such a familiar basis with Rob or me to do the rude & obnoxious things [Anonymous 4] did over the next two days, which really ruined Christmas for me.

So first as [Anonymous 4] is getting really buzzed, [Anonymous 4] starts talking endlessly about how [Anonymous 4] is the "Italian Jew" [NOTE: SO GLAD THAT ROBERT'S PARENTS HAD NOT BEEN ASKED TO ANY FAMILY OCCASIONS LIKE THIS AS YET, EVEN AFTER 10 YEARS OF US BEING MARRIED]  Very nice and classy. Then as the evening progresses, she attacks Robert in his new coat ripping off the hood, then grabs Robert's ass and finally at the end of the evening screams at Robert for having a cookie.   [As I recently read more of this journal entry, I do not know why I did not rip Anonymous 4 a new one...actually I was trained well to be polite to my elders at all costs apparently]

[Anonymous 2] at the beginning of the evening gives Robert a used belt.   Why?   We don't know.   I can only assume he thought it was some kind of grand peace offering [This relates to another journal entry before this of a bizarre incident with Anonymous 2 toward Robert].

Then when Robert asks how [two of my second cousins] like their gifts, these cousins proclaim that they were "crappy".   [In a previous journal entry, I talk about being excited to give gifts to my family and spent sometime selecting.   I think this may have been the year that I stopped that practice]   Well they are [Anonymous 1's] kids aren't they?  [Another Second Cousin] didn't bother to say thank you, but [Another Second Cousin] was being shy that night.   I would prefer to think that is the reason why.

Anyway, Christmas Eve I could take.   Against my better judgement, I agreed to go to my grandma's the next morning [who I will warn you in advance was also not showing at her best.  Which is weird because I thought by this time, close to her death, she had stopped this type of behavior towards Robert.   What we choose to block out!]   for the annual torture & make the grandchildren feel like shit breakfast [sponsored by Anonymous 2 and Anonymous 4] (and apparently this is not the first Christmas breakfast where I felt like a second class citizen in "my family")

**Nick and Brett this year were by far the best behaved children [This is Step Monster's sister's kids, one of whom pulled a knife on his mother in later years]  THIS IS A TRADITION THAT I WILL NOT REPEAT AS I WANT TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS DAY FROM NOW ON.

12/25/2001 (continued on a different day this journal entry) Christmas morning-the horror continues...

So against good judgement of any kind of sane/rational thought process, we go to Grandma's (something I've managed to avoid for the last two years).  Robert & I are sitting at the dining room table.   We had asked to help, and been told to stay out of the way.   Breakfast was not near ready and no one was sitting down.   Grandma basically comes over and says not to sit in those chairs ever.

Then Robert goes over to pick up a glass (set with all the other glasses to be used for beverages) and [Anonymous 2] says [that Robert] can't have any because there won't be any for anyone else.  [WTF?]

Finally [Anonymous 5] sees the Dr Seuss tape for [Yet Another Second Cousin] & rags on the gift that we bought for [Anonymous 2's child]  (Not only did I do my best to select child aged appropriate gifts, but I don't have kids myself and hardly know these.  Plus this criticism comes from someone who gave baked goods, or sports puzzles as the one or two Christmas gifts ever, and got thank yous prior to this incident) & then I end up eating on the couch alone & across the room [from the rest of "my family"] to eat breakfast.

Hey Merry Christmas, family.   Pick on each other next year, we won't be there.

Ever heard of being a good host,manners, that sort of thing?

Was so blue afterward that I ended up spending the rest of Christmas crying.  

Lovely family day.   Can't wait to see them next year!

So if you are blue and missing the family you are estranged from, go see if you kept any documentation on what "family" get together were like in reality.   I know that I did not remember half of this.   This is not even the Sperm Donor's or Monster's actions, but people who are supposed to be happy to see me after a long time.   I realize I spend quite a bit of this journal entry logging in mistreatment of my husband, instead of me.   That is most likely me just being polite, and the disrespect shown to my husband only shows how they really felt about me.  Why would I ever EVER want to revisit that?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Those Little Things You Haven't Cleaned Yet

Two days ago, a Yahoo reminder popped up to remind me of Spermy's birthday.   It's been 5-6 years since we have talked (I believe since 2005) or e-mailed.  Last time Spermy made his oh so public comments on my blog were in May of 2007.   Really this estrangement should have started 18 or more years before 2005, but I had drunk the Koolaide laced with "keep your family ties no matter what".   I had already committed a sin of not talking to my mother since 1995, and so felt an obligation to have one donor in my life at least.   Such a mistake on my part!  But I was performing and paying back the burden that I was for being born, like an obedient accident.  Or as I think now, a DUMB ASS.

I have no need or want (an indifference really) to be reminded of his birthday.  Big whoopy ding dong day LOL.  It would be like tracking a stranger's birthday, but I have not taken the time to delete these things that no longer interest me off of my calendar.   This includes Eggy's birthday, and I haven't spoken to her since 1995 or 1997, although I have had blog or e-mail discussions with her very infrequently but the last one being November 2010, when Eggy was hinting the person ordering from her online sales (and then not paying) was me!   I am sure she wanted my attention (the reason for this posting), and then enormously regretted what she got (an explanation of libel and the financial implications to her of continuing this--plus the phone numbers to the FBI and police in her area should she wish to actually find the perpetrator).

So I am not seeing any need to be preparing to send out birthday cards, online birthday wishes, phone called birthday wishes or surprise birthday parties for these people.   Way back when I lacked self esteem and was DESPERATE for any support and love from my family, I kept up a family calendar of everyone's dates, addresses, and telephone numbers.  I have not cleaned these items up yet.

I think part of healing and part of getting over the hurt, grief, and anger is letting these things go.  Not allowing these things to infringe or pop up out of nowhere in your life anymore.   I need this head space for far more productive things (and pleasant things) these days.   The donors that have been burdened by me for 18 years while I was growing up, have already had their payments met by myself.   Those obligations are gone now, and I can breathe in easily and enjoy the peace of the day, instead of playing the games of the donors.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Another Great Quote(s)

And other honorable mentions:

I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes.

When I shut my mouth and turn to walk away...

And then some really disturbing posts that I found:

Estrangement An Act Boarding on Evil

Our Son Has Been Served

There is one that I now can't find that basically said that if at least their daughter was dead, the would get to see their grandchildren.   WTF?  Horrifying.  I remember getting a letter from saying "I don't even know if I am a great grandmother yet."  No interest in me or anything, just in anything that may have sprung from me.   I didn't have any children, but in any case if I had answered the answer would have been "no you are not a great grandmother".

Just a hint, if you are trying to reconcile with someone, you might want to show an interest in the PERSON you are pretending to want to trying to reconcile with, rather than showing them your true and insane agenda.  Get close to my kids, um, yeah no I don't think they need any phone calls where you describe how you are trying to kill yourself.   Thanks, but er,no thanks.  Luckily it was never even a problem or consideration.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Blogs from the Outer Web

Dealing With Those "Special" Occaisions that Are Not Yours---this blogger is usually talking about girl/boy advice, but I think you can apply it to many other relationships.

Everyday Stigma--this is about the "stigma" of sexual preference (which as a society we should really grow up about)   however, I think this can be applied to any kind of stigma someone needs to carry with them every day or percieves that they need to carry with them everyday.

Feeling Like The Black Sheep

Sibling Concern

Saturday, October 01, 2011

100 Recommended Halloween Movies, Series, and TV

Halloween is my very favorite holiday.   Coincidentally, I am a bit of a nut about horror movies too.   I have actually spent a considerable amount of time amassing a list of movies that I can call upon each Halloween.  

Halloween is serious business, and this is no time to be watching crappy horror movies or sifting through the really bad ones hoping to find a gem.  I need sure things for my holiday month (yeah I said it, month NOT day).  My big escape over the years has been the good horror movie, and that is why I have seen so many of them.   Way more than a hundred, but these are the ones that I deem worthy of recommending based on orginality, a plot I like, a twist ending that I did not see coming, or because they are "quirky".

On the culmination of the month and on the day, I surround myself with all the candy I could want, and dive into a horror movie marathon.   The whole month though, I try and decorate each day and watch a horror movie to honor the holiday.

Here is what I like in a good horror movie, so you might get an idea where my tastes reside:
  1. It's never about the gore with me, though there may be gore in horror movies that I like.  I usually do not like the gore, but it's something about the storyline that I like.
  2. I typically like a background story, though with some movies the mystery (the original The Fog for instance) does not need to be spelled out so much.  It's a tricky balance.
  3. Since I have seen so many, I like an unusual bent or angle to the horror movie.
  4. I like when the characters we have come to know live at the end.  In other words, the best happy ending that a horror movie can have.
  5. I prefer if no animals are killed (or tortured) in the horror movie (though can not promise that all my picks stick to this).
  6. I am not a zombie or werewolf fan, but am more of a Vampire or Serial Killer fan.   Not to say that some of my movies may not have these.
  7. It's rare that I like a remake OR a sequel, but it happens:)
  8. You may find it hard to believe from my list, but I do not like hardcore violence (ala Last House on The Left or Clock Work Orange---sorry that I ever saw those oringals).
  9. If I have seen a documentary on how a low budget horror movie was made (ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre), that may explain my fascination with it later LOL.  I never wanted to watch this movie until I watched the documentary on it.  Knowing what the actors were going through, and this was not made by a bunch of people that necessarily knew how to get a special effect (never mind safely).
  10. I love gothic movies with old creepy houses in them.  If I can check out the house in the movie, I am a happy camper.
  11. I love horror movies that can also add comedy.   However this is a tricky mix, and some movies try this but fail horribly.  It is the very rare movie that does this well.
  12. As in my horror books, I like when  everything looks innocent on the OUTSIDE but INSIDE it is NOT AT ALL.
  13. I grew up on "Creature Double Feature" so I like the good horror giant monster, but am more particular about the special effects LOL.

Without further ado, here are my Halloween recommendations for you (in no particular order-next year and to segment to descriptive tags next year):

  1. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? 1962
  2. Portrait of Dorian Gray 1945
  3. Wicker Man 1973 (the remake 2006 was very good as well)
  4. Sixth Sense 1999
  5. Invisible Man 1958
  6. Diaboliques 1955
  7. Silence of the Lambs 1991 (also Thomas Harris book)
  8. Hannibal 2001
  9. Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte 1964
  10. Single White Female 1992
  11. Fatal Attraction 1987
  12. (Duh) Carrie 1976 (and great Stephen King book)
  13. The Ring 2002
  14. Poltergeist 1982 (the first one IMHO)
  15. Sleepy Hollow 1999
  16. Dead Zone 1983 (also great Stephen King book)
  17. The Fog 1980 (the original only IMHO)
  18. The People Under The Stairs 1981 (funny comedy horror)
  19. House of Wax 1953(remake 2005 is campy sort of crap, but I liked the back story that they gave to it, and it had nothing to do with the original Vincent Price House of Wax)
  20. Motel Hell 1980 (I don't know how I forgot this one)
  21. The Thing 1982 (sci fi horror)
  22. It 1990 (Stephen King)
  23. Alien 1979 (sci fi horror & great book)
  24. Jurassic Park 1993
  25. Black Christmas 1974(the orginal, not the remake)
  26. The Vanishing 1993
  27. The Bad Seed 1956
  28. The Good Son 1993
  29. Magic 1978
  30. Stranger in Our House or Summer of Fear 1978
  31. Secret Window 2004 (also great Stephen King book)
  32. (OMG) The Baby 1973-Talk about a twist ending!!!!
  33. The Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1978
  34. She Creature 2001
  35. Vacancy 2007
  36. Rebecca 1940
  37. Let's Scare Jessica to Death-classic [don't want to ruin the surprise] movie 1971.
  38. Original Halloween I and II (1978 & 1981), of course. II only thrown in there to continue the story, not as good as one. (I think of one and two as the same movie.)
  39.  H20 (1998) , which is Halloween 20 years later.
  40. Rob Zombie's Halloween (first one not the second one---second one was too much in line with the actual)
  41. The Audition, Japanese Horror Movie 1999. Quite a take on your submissive Japanese woman (NOT!!!!).
  42. Godzilla, the remake 1998. A totally American movie doing a fresh new (and sometimes funny) look at Godzilla and how he came to be here. I own this movie, I loved it so much.
  43. The whole Subspecies series. The production company that actually did filming in Romania went bankrupt and out of business, but I so loved these. Yet another different and twisted look at vampires. Subspecies came out in 1991, which I thought was the weakest of them and I actually saw it last. Bloodstone, Subspecies II, came out in 1993. Bloodlust, Subspecies III, came out in 1994. And finally the last (boo hoo) came out in 1998 Bloodstorm, Subspecies 4.
  44. Red Dragon, of course, because I have read the Thomas Harris books. The film came out very well in 2002, I thought.
  45. Blind Beast 1969 is a good Japanese horror film that I recently did a review on. Very, very creepy.
  46. The Burbs 1989. Comedy horror at it's best. Tom Hanks plays a neighbor, who is suspicious of the new neighbors in town.
  47. The Lost Boys 1987. A vampire movie that I always still enjoy when it's on. I like the plot of the younger brother helping out the older brother. Grandpa gets in on the act as well.
  48. Showtime Master of Horror Series. I didn't like them all. The very first one is probably my favorite due to the surprise ending, and just overall creepiness of it. Plus, you are never really sure where you are going......really.
  49. Ghost Story 1981, good book and I think good movie. Actually, if I remember correctly, I might have enjoyed the movie more than the book.
  50. Intensity 1997 (Dean Koontz book first, loved botht he movie and book)
  51. Hideaway 1995 (Dean Koontz book, but changed the story a little bit)
  52. Demon Seed 1977 (Dean Koontz book---can you guess one of my favorite authors LOL)
  53. Lady in White 1988 - this one might be okay for children, but there is a definate reference to a pedophile---be warned.   Good mystery ghost story that I think was targetted for children as well.
  54. Burnt Offerings 1976
  55. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer 2006 --Totally Gothic and creepy, not sure how I felt about the ending, but a terrifically creepy movie.
  56. Series of about 12 Dark Shadows The Revival (though it doesn't end there, but production was cancelled, so it's a bit frustrating after episode 12)
  57. Hostel I 2005 and II 2007. II is even better, but I wouldn't discount I at all!!!
  58. Spider Babies 1968
  59. Quills 2000  Really, really gothic.  Strong sexual themes and some violence.  Really great adult horror movie though.
  60. The Omen 1976 (I HATED the remake) and Damien: Omen II 1978
  61. Children of the Damned 1964
  62. Psycho 1960
  63. The Shining 1980 (not as true to the Stephen King book, but Jack Nicholson's role) 
  64. The Shining 1997 (true to the Stephen King book)
  65. Jeepers Creepers 2001
  66. Jeepers Creepers II 2003
  67. Joyride 2001
  68. The Other 1972 (also an excellent book, and the movie is pretty true to the book) 
  69. King Kong 2005 (one movie where I like the remake much more than all the others before it)
  70. Creep 2004
  71. Misery 1990 (also great Stephen King book)
  72. The Haunting 1963
  73. Changeling 1980
  74. Sweeney Todd 2007
  75. Prom Night 1980
  76. Frailty 2001
  77. Strangeland 1998
  78. American Psycho  2000
  79. Cloverfield 2008
  80. Day After Tomorrow 2004
  81. True Blood Series 2008
  82. Dexter Series  2006
  83. Reaper TV Show 2007
  84. Wolf Creek 2005
  85. The Blob (always loved this movie) 1958
  86. Godsend  2004
  87. Cape Fear (remake with DiNero) 1991
  88. Communion or Alice Sweet Alice 1976
  89. Rosemary's Baby 1968 
  90. Interview with A Vampire 1994
  91. House of Wax (Vincent Price) 1953
  92. House of Wax (Paris Hilton LOL) 2005  a beginning scene in this really did it for me!
  93. The Ring 2002
  94. Three Extremes 2004
  95. Yoga 2009
  96. What Lies Beneath 2000 (I like how the beginning starts, and helps with the twist ending)
  97. Scream I, II, & III (and looking forward to IV) 1996 1997 2000
  98. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974
  99. Dream Home 2010
  100. The Burrowers 2008 ---very creepy old west meets horror

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Weird Ass Dreams

I do not think this dream has anything to do with my donors or step monster.   In fact, unless I see them physically (and they do something rude towards my husband) they do not much reside in my head anymore.  They seem to be floating farther and farther out to sea as far as my thoughts are concerned.   I have no time or inclination to rescue them or seek them out.

So anyway, onto the strange dream.   I believe I know why I had it, I was talking to a neighbor about programs on animal abuse the other day.   Also, I always see the posts about how people hate all pet stores, and would rather "not buy" their animals (although if you go through a breeder or a rescue shelter you are buying).   Wasn't going to interject my opinion here on pet stores, but what I hate are pet mills.   I think it's more honest to say you don't support pet stores, instead of acting like buying a puppy from a shelter is so drastically different.  Anyway, that is a post for my other blog at another time.  Suffice it to say that the problems of pet sales and pet ownership are far more complex than boycotting pet stores that sell pets.

The dream begins in a recurring place that is sometimes in my dream.  It is an overcrowded pet store, with kittens and puppies jammed in cages (looking sickly) up to the ceiling.   Sometimes during the dream it turns into shelter with those same conditions (luckily most shelters need to be inspected).   Everytime I see this place in the dream, I recognize it as a recurring place (not at all a real place that I have been, my mind completely makes this up).

There is a rag doll kitten there that catches my eye.   I should say that since Mustache, our last cat, died of old age in 2006 or 2007, we have not gotten another cat as we are both horribly allergic to them!  Miss everything about them except the dreaded cat box, but if we were not allergic...we would most likely still have cats as well as dogs.

Somehow, I present this kitten to Robert, and he must have agreed as we came home with a kitten.  Actually here is where it turns a bit bizarre.   We come home with two kittens actually one striped and one that looks like a stuffed doll but is living.   On closer inspection, I discover that it is a covering on either a very deformed kitten or a very abused kitten who is all bandaged underneath....

That discovery is the last thing I remember about that dream.

Glad to see that my sleeping brain is working on more important issues, however.   Like the plight of animals everywhere, pet shops, and what happens to them when they do not get the right home.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Great Posts From The Web

Revoking My Family Membership  I hope to be able to write this well and thoroughly on my experience one day.   Very powerful, and some "aha" moments.

Reconciliation After Estrangement 

When Estrangement is Necessary  An interesting piece and view of going through estrangement.  

How Do I Explain A Family Rift to Children?  Also a nice bonus regarding the author's own experience with her child and the rift of divorce.

How to Deal With the Estrangement of An Adult Daughter?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Shout Out To This Blog About Boundaries

I found some new resources of blogs regarding nacissists, family estrangement, self esteem building e.t. that relate to my topic.

This blog is targetted towards women dating, but brings to light issues that can fit into all lives at any age  with the tweaking of a few words.   I totally agree with this blog about boundaries.   There is no discussion needed, one's boundaries are one's boundaries and they will be discussion needed.

Though we all have tried to justify our boundaries to others.   I love the way this author puts it into perspective as this wasted energy is "pointless".  The author is so right on about that, and I figured this out about 6-5 years ago.  My boundaries began to have a period at the end of them with no other words needed thereafter.

Arguments to my boundaries from Spermy:

"I respect you and your feeling more than you know. But, I have my needs and feelings too. I want to talk with you about what has happen to us, not just about Bettyann, but going all the way back to the beginning. Yes it will be painful, yes it will hurt, but at least it will be real. What we are doing now is not real, what you propose is not real. I'm willing to compromise,"  BULLSHIT alert.  What compromise was put forth?   And why do I need to make a compromise?  I have compromised decades of my life by this point.  Spermy can not even concede that I am done talking about Bettyann or "The Monster".   I have already talked, I have already heard all the excuses, I was done.   This is the one boundary that I put down, and Spermy needed to have compromised on LOL.

Put your boundary down and end the discussion.   They will either abide by it, or not.  I also am not going to spend my time AGAIN arguing with my father on what my feelings were during my childhood for Christ Sake!!!  What a further absurb waste of my time and life it would be to engage in "Spermy's compromise" (ie do everything HIS way).

One additional and interesting note about this though, in my recent correspondence with Spermy's sister and my uncle by marriage, it was clear that my aunt has been given the impression that Spermy and I don't speak BECAUSE OF THE MONSTER.   Now while the monster is an abhorrently selfish and evil woman, as far as I a concerned, I actually hold Spermy SOLELY responsible for his past and continued actions.  I hold HIM responsible as it should be.  He can marry and be with a souless monster if he wants to, she has and never had anything to do with our lack of relationship HE DID.  I do find it interesting that Spermy has tried to deflect blame to others in these different ways.

I am not saying that the monster should be praised for her evil and selfish behavior, but it has nothing to do with Spermy (except for those times when he supported or encouraged this abuse of me).  Again, Spermy's actions are his actions, Eggy's actions are her actions, and the Monster's actions are her actions.   No one is responsible for what the other does or did.   They can just worry about their own actions.

A "Note" From Spermy Over 26 Years Ago

I probably saved this piece of correspondence from Spermy, because:

  1. It is probably one of the only written things that I ever got from him (except birthday cards where he would sign his name).
  2. It was an apology 26 years ago, and I was probably pretty sure I would never see one again.
  3. And I might have actually been naive enough to be touched by the "written sentiment".

Without further ado, this is the note I chose to "cherish" way back when:

On the front is a Boyton cartoon monster with horns, and it says "I'm Sorry" above the monster.   When you open it up it says "I know I've been beastly".

Hand written message says "Dear Robin, Sorry about our phone conversation the other night.   You should know by now (after 18 years) that the best way to get what you want from Dad is to talk it out reasonably.   I hate hearing things like that over the phone.  It is also very hard to hear that you want to live in Lowell instead of home.   It is hard for a father to see his daughter grow up and move away.   I guess when you become a father you'll understand.   Hope to see you soon.   Love, Dad."

Oh, man if only I had the insight to really read this apology at the time.  First of all, realize I lived in Lowell, as that is the college that I was sent to, and I could NOT DRIVE.   So the only way we could speak was either by phone, or dad could have gotten off his ass (before the monster he never came up to see me, and then when the monster came along, he saw me with her----which was like the rest of our relationship, it had to go through her---had she not been an evil selfish woman---which she is---that might have worked out just fine for me) and driven out to see his daughter at college on occasion (rather than to call and bitch her out whenever he did call).

Note the "You should know by now", so the event that he is sorry for is right off the bat my fault (but it warrants the only one of two apologies I have received---the other one saying that I was as bad as my Eggy).  You know all my life as a kid, I was told that I needed to grow up, support myself, and move out ASAP.   That they would Spermy would spend all his money, not save for me, and all my support plus his old age (and subsequent funeral costs) would be my obligation.  

Who knew fulfilling my parents' very request would bring such hostility?   I really don't know what was said, but if the incident with the custom worked heavy wooden chair being smashed beside me when I asked a question when I was home (in a reasonable manner as I assume I talked before this apology was given) DID NOT WARRANT an apology, I can only imagine what Spermy might have said to me.  In any case, it just recedes into to long list of verbal and emotional baggage I got to receive and sift through from him, when things began to become clear to me.

Now my growing up warrants verbal and emotional abuse from my father (all things I can control by the way being born, growing up).   Before being clothed and fed warranted abuse.   Then talk about a Freudian slip "when I am a father I will understand?"  Have I mentioned that Spermy hates woman and girls?   Ah, but he likes other men, especially selfish narcissists like himself, like my dear stepbro (a topic for another post).  Yeah, er Spermy, I never did get to be a "father" first of all because I would need to have a penis and sperm to do that.  Secondly, interesting that you never understood that your "child" would not necessarily have children LOLOL.

Dear Spermy, I am sorry I hurt your feelings by talking about this stuff, BUT YOU ARE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE AND OTHER CHILDREN OF SUCH ASSHOLES SHOULD KNOW THAT OTHERS EXPERIENCE THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR FROM THEIR SPERM OR EGG DONORS.  "Love ya just like you love me", Your Sperm/Egg combo  (sarcasm from the But on, as I know that I just mirrored back what Spermy and Eggy do)

The above written apology by Spermy must have been right around those "good times we were having together" that he wanted me to talk more about.  My instincts were right on by the way, to stay the hell away from "home" hell.   I can not imagine what that would have been like.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Open Your Eyes and See

Found a new blog today.   I just had to laugh, as there is always much discussion about a Narcissist's playbook.  Well "Open Your Eyes and See" has just discovered the use of such a book in her own family situation.

The targets of this sort of behavior always question themselves about whether they are overreacting or crazy, and then when this sort of gift falls into one's lap---it's sad that some of us actually need this evidence, when we aren't doing anything wrong other than living our lives to the best of our ability (and being honest and straight forward).

Manipulation, I am convinced, is a sneaky form of abuse.

Great blog, and I have included it in my "blogs that prove you are NOT alone".

Tethered in my Younger Days

In my junior high, high school, and college days, I was so out of touch with my feelings about what was happening around me and to me.   I did not recognize that my anger came from being manipulated, played with, used as a pawn by my donors.   I didn't consciously realize this was going on.   Why would I?

And yes, if you follow the links above, you will find that I had issues in my high school and college days.   Issues that I had acknowledged and apologized for long ago.  Issues that my Donors like to go back to and lovingly stroke and carress as their excuse for continued emotional and verbal abuse of me well into adulthood.   If I had not said no to both of them once (and effectively ended my usefullness to either of them), then this behavior towards me would still continue.   If you read my familial rules below, you will find out that is not allowed (saying no):)  Well yes, the behavior towards me does still continue, but they have effectively been hacked out of my life, so it's just not as effective as it once was (plus I don't feel compelled to fetch them whatever they need on a whim).  (for instance S Donor could not ask to take my collectibles for free so he could gift them to Brett with Monster's name on the card as he used to feel free to do).   Yup, his daughter the handy Hallmark not store but give away, because you were born.

I was "trained" not to realize what was going on.  

"Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time. The difference here is you have built a whole different reality about your life and you have left out all of the good that ever happened to you, and there was good before Rob." well yeah, most likely there were moments in my life that were good, not sure they all included dear old Spermy, however.  See my reality is not real.   Much like when I told him I was happy about his divorce to Eggy, I was wrong about that too (eyes roll).

"What I find interesting about your blog is how you can pass off half-truths as fact."  What I find interesting about Spermy is that he starts off the conversation, but when I answer...he can not finish the conversation.   See that would me listening and then in his case...justifying what a shit he is .

"If this is the only way that we can communicate, I’ll give it a shot. I don’t usually read blogs."  yeah, he gave this about as much of a shot as he gave being an actual parent LOL.  Note the long suffering he will give it a shot, while he does not read such stupid drivel .   I should be happy that Spermy, like Eggy, is so obvious and transparent.   It makes my life and decisions so much easier.   And if you are going to have a parentard like this one, let's hope they are as transparent and not bright enough to just realize they put out their true feelings on the INTERNET.   I mean, I realize mine are out there, but I am not trying to reconcile with anyone.  I am not trying to pretend there is a different story to one group of people, and then call Spermy a piece of shit hoping no one sees that.  No alternate face that I am trying to present.  I wasn't a perfect daughter by the way, but I was pefectly alright as a daughter.   In fact, I think I went above and beyond what I was entitled and duty bound to do.

What was going on was only what my controlling parents confided or told me was going on.   The way I was supposed to think and behave came on their direct orders.   Veering from that course meant being beaten down (not physically but in other ways---see above) until compliance was once again achieved.  Everything that happened to my parents was someone else's fault, including mine.   I was the burden, and the burden was not supposed to speak out.   God forbid!!

From the link above and actually posted on my site by S Donor "Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations," (wow, sorry my error, didn't realize I could have fed and clothed myself when I popped out).   This is right up there with lines like "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you, so how dare you cut me out of your life."   I mean is it such a stretch for a parent to not sexually or physically abuse their child?   Do they give out some kind of award (that I am unaware of) for not sexually or physically abusing your child?   And in my S Donor's case, it is so much more convienent to allow the monster to do it for you anyway.  That way, your hands are never dirty...cause you didn't actually physically abuse your child.

The basic familial rules:

  • I will never be able to get along without my "family", specifically my parents.   (I have to say if I take out three letters of this statement, I would be able to agree with this in my specific case).
  • Parents can do no wrong, and children can do no right (unless you were following the parents directive, and even then if something went wrong that is the child's fault as well).
  • Children need to forget parents wrong doings...not only forget but retell the tale and believe that lie.   Parents can hold anything and everything against a child, especially and including the fact that they were born AND that they needed to feed you and cloth you for the first 18 years of your life.
  • Children can never make a mistake, and any mistake made will be unforgivable whether it had anything to do with the parents or not.   Parents can make as many mistakes as they would like, and the child better not even remember that it happened.
  • Children will never show or express anger.  EVER NO MATTER WHAT.   Place that mask over the face, which was an accident anyway.   Accidents don't get to express feelings or anger.  Again, parents do get to express anger whether it's directed at the child, but really towards the other spouse.   This is because, again, the child should not be there in the first place.
  • Oh, and you will procreate and bring forth grandchildren, or that will be yet another thing that you have done wrong.  I did not experiment with that one to see how my children would be treated by their "loving grandparents".   Other than I expect they would have either been ignored or treated like pawns to deliver messages, similar to the way I was treated.  Or any of the other horror stories that other adult children have told of how their parents treat their children.
  • The only people that a child is supposed to pay attention to or grieve for is the parent.   A parent has every right to intrude their needs over a period of grief or sickness for that child or that child's loved ones.
I was supposed to love my place.   I was pulled out when needed for something, and put away on the shelf to get dusty and be ignored until needed again.   Later on in my adulthood, my spouse was also supposed to fill in for the burden that they bore by having me.   He was supposed to be (and was) useful for moving furniture, fixing up their summer house, cleaning out dead relatives homes or apartments, or whatever else was needed work wise, especially since I had wised up to the point where I no longer asked how high when told to jump.  I am all to sure that sadly, other children both still growing and adult have experienced these "rules" and "expectations" that they were born into.

These rules are made to silence and repress.  I was supposed to grow up a healthy willing....slave.   Not a happy healthy adult, but someone willing to come to service on the whims of these people who "loved me".  Silenced and repressed I was until about age 29.   And then again still for the other parent until age 38.  Those are some long, confused, depressing, and angry years that my life waited for me until I grabbed it and dragged it back to me.   Oh yeah, at first I was terrified that my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents would no longer have anything to do with me.   Then I thought, er, these are people you see a few times a year.   (I am not saying that I don't like them or anything, but the reality to cleave on desperately to something that only hurts and diminishes you so you could see people on Christmas maybe?)  Some of them still cleave onto the same or similar familial rules that I hung onto.

What is really too bad was that in college, I knew what I needed to do.  If anyone is 18, in the same situation, and reading this....moving out on your own and finding your own way very well may prevent a lot of pain later on.   It may even repair the relationship (though I am under no illusions in my case that is what would have happened). 

You never do know though.  When I was about to be married at 25, I became very upset that my grandmother did not seem excited and happy for me.   (This will also be in my imprinting post)   I was influenced, unfortunately, by the things my S Donor and E Donor said about my grandmother around me, and had never delved into our relationship on a personal basis.   One might expect that I have a bit of trouble with this and relationships in general.   I am not a trusting person, but I try to be more open minded and occaisionally let someone in.  

Finally, I expressed my dissappointment to my grandmother.  I was angry by that time, and it was not a calm sensible discussion on my end.   My grandmother could have called back (after I hung up on her) and told me that I was totally out of line.   Instead when the phone rang, and I picked it up (I had probably thought about not picking it up) the first words that I heard were "I am sorry".   I realized then that I did not know my grandmother at all, and was instead reflecting back what others were imprinting on me about others.   If I had been closer to my grandmother at that point, I could have probably undone some of the damage that my S Donor and Monster made on my grandparents and my relationship.   They certaintly went on a smear campaign, and intentionally went after my relationships so that I would have no one (a very common strategy for these type of people).  

In growing up, loosing relatives and friends, (talking to some of them towards the end) I realized that not being truthful and honest about how you feel DOES NOT AND NEVER WILL HEAL A RELATIONSHIP.   Now it's one thing if someone consciously and knowing chooses to have a superficial relationship, and makes that decision knowing how or if it affects them and their life.   I think it's another to internally hold a grudge and anger until it's too late, and that person did not have a chance to prove you wrong.  I feel this is what happened with my aunt and my grandmother.   There was a lot of anger there, but "duty" kept it from ever being discussed or resolved.  Those familial rules, and I would like to believe that my aunt might have been surprised at the true spirit of my grandmother.   Then again, my grandmother might have been someone else towards her.

This is another thing that "family" or "relatives" have a hard time understanding.  The drinking eating man or woman with the smile on their face is never seen turning the corner and whispering into someone's ear unsavory details about the people they don't like. They missed the monster laughing at my grandmother because she spilled some cookie crumbs on the floor.   They miss the mean spirited smirk when they turn their back.  I don't think my S Donor has the capacity to love or like anyone.   The moment those people are not useful to him, they are out.   This is why his family situation right now is idyllic for him (talking immediate step monster, stepbro), because he is surrounded by others who are very very similar to him.   And thank goodness they found each other instead of unsuspecting other people....again.   They have already spread around their share of strife and unhappiness to those who accidentally stepped on their path.

The great thing is that for almost 6 years now, all tethers have been broken.   I have found myself, and my strength to make my own imperfect relationships and try for more in my life.   I have realized that I deserve more than what some people wanted to burden me with (my mistake in being born).  The consistency of my donors allows those tethers to remain severed, and for me to enjoy the rest of my life.  Still getting over this sure...but realizing the road is right and the paving gets better and better.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Well If Nothing Else Spermy is CONSISTENTLY a Dickhead

I love consistency.  I use it very much in dog training, as the communication is so much more clear.   "Loving" and oh "so sorry" Spermy went to the local flea market today.   Obviously, NOT realizing that we set up there every week or so.

I was at home waiting for some dog owners, when on the phone with hubby, he said that he saw Spermy poking about.   Now Robert has lost sixty pounds, and is at a weight that perhaps Spermy never saw him at before.   Course we have had the bright yellow Nissan with my company name on it for sometime, but I am guessing that I genetically have the lack of observation from Spermy.   Another proof that as mystifying as it is, we apparently are related and this was no mistake (no switched babies at the hospital sadly enough for me).

I had thought Spermy McHasPutOnThePoundsandisStillaMiserableSonofaBitch would probably be gone by the time I got there.  But of course husband made me look and see him by pointing.  Now it's one thing to treat me like shit on a stick (after all I ruined his life not only by being born, but talking about the unacknowledged truth of my childhood and adult life with Spermy),

My husband tells me Spermy McShitHead actually wandered into our booth.   Looked around at things (now I have always been into Snoopy, Barbie, and Tea), which really should have rung a bell in his brain, which has apparently not expanded as much as his girth (yeah, good luck stepbro with taking care of the old folks, as they are certainly not going to make it easy for you).  Then, according to Robert's report, their eyes meet.   Robert makes a smile.   Spermy squints and then grimaces at him.

Oh sorry, was it Robert badgering you while your mother was dying about whether his wife should sell their house or not?  Oh maybe it was Robert calling your spouse to turn her on you?  No that F wad was him.  If anyone should be grimaced at JackOFF, it should be him.  

I should really thank him though for consistently being the total piece of shit that he is.  

Sunday, July 17, 2011

How Some of The Rest of My Family "Works"

My father's siblings seem to have a "similar" condition in their relationships as my father has.   One actually does seem to have a close relationship with two of their children (of the three).  The other does not seem to notice that their relationship is a bit strained with all three of their children.   With other people (like offspring) their relationships are very superficial.   Basically seeing these people a few times a year, but able to bring up the "family" card while not knowing these people at all.

When my step monster woke me up from a sound sleep with a slap (because Spermy said to go to sleep, he would do the dishes, but when she came home the dishes were not done), Eggy called one of the siblings thinking that they would give support.   What happened was I was called up, and told this was not that bad.   Oh,okay, let me drop by your house one night, walk into your bedroom while you are sleeping, and slap you across the face.   Or perhaps welcome you back into your childhood home by standing at the top of the stairs screaming "you are not letting that bitch into my home".   Then you can live everyday like that, without any money or escape, and see how comfortable your life is as you figure out how to get back out of it.

Spermy's siblings were supposed to be my "God Parents" by the way.   Yeah, I felt really safe and loved.   So here is a message that I send one of Spermy's siblings spouse (ie my aunt or uncle by marriage), who reached out not to me (and hasn't ever bothered to talk to me about this or reach out and find out if I am okay ever and this has been going on for six years) but on Spermy's "behalf" (not that he has shown any interest).

I never got any response from this message sent November 2010 (surprising as they were all interested in reaching out via third party) from this "relative".   Relationships in this family as about as deep as the width of an atom.  Why bother?  
  • D,

    I had a nice talk with R yesterday. I thought it only fair that I drop you a line as well. Decisions that I make in my adult life have not been made easily and not without some pain. I know you are thinking of this from what you percieve Spermy's side may be or as you yourself would as a father. I further know that since you don't know me at all, you are not going to be able to understand what it's like to be me.

    However, I am a person with feelings, and it does hurt to get a message sent to me through another person that I am close to. R felt they had to talk to my cousin about this, but this is not my cousin's fault or problem.   My cousin spends time coming here, getting to know me, and we have a good time and discussions about personal and painful things that are private.
    I know that you and R identify yourself as my "family". As so, it would have been more appropriate for you to have picked up the phone and talked to me yourself. I would have probably told you it was a private matter, and that's okay. Had we more time together, or an interest in me as a person rather than the offspring of someone you are fond of, we could have possibly had a deeper conversation.
    The point is, that it hurts for me. No, I do not want a relationship with Spermy. For me a relationship or family is one that spends time and genuine interest in me. It is not someone I see five holidays out of the year, but whom thinks it;s okay to be abusive towards me any other day. I think Spermy can live without the two hours of conversation that we would have during the year. I did try at one time to have one on one time, but that was not what he was interested in. That's fine, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.
    When I mentioned I was in a "good place" to R, they said something like "we are happy for all the things that you have", which is kind of a weird thing to say. What I have is people who love and support me. Life is fleeting and short, and I intend to spend that time with people who love me and I love them.
    Tradition and "should does" do not mean much to me when they are not meant with true feeling and purpose. Please remember that I am a human being who has gone through some very painful stuff in her life. I don't appreciate these awful memories being sprung on me around the holidays, and if you wish to do that you should at least do it with me in person.

    I hope you understand. I hope that this does not make you feel bad, but it is something I had to say.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Shrinking Family

Robert and I are doing great on our weight loss goals.   It hasn't been easy in some ways, and easy in other ways.  Just good old fashion watching what we are eating and exercising.   We did get some tips from a nutritionist that were helpful as follows (and simple);

  1. Do this together which has always been a problem.  One or the other was attempting, and then "the temptations" would come in (and I am not talking about the singing group).
  2. Food shopping together (we have not been doing so great on this lately).
  3. Eating the same meals (we do this a lot more, but sometimes are tastes still differ).
  4. Eating more vegetables (never a problem for me, and husband discovered he likes carrots and sweet potatoes after all).
  5. Two thirds of plate should be vegetables.  (better on this but not up to two thirds all the time)
  6. First word in bread and cereal ingredients should be whole.
  7. Three meals, and two snacks a day.
  8. When you wake up, eat no more than 1 hour after waking (I have not been so great on this).
  9. Start exercising slowly(have been good on this)
  10. Make menu plans (was good on this in the beginning, but now that we basically know what we are going to be eating, we don't bother so much anymore).
Great tips, and unfortunately the nutritionist that we used left:(   We may make some follow up appointments.

Only news on the Spermy front is that we were recently at a flea market.   One of my dad's old friends, who incidentally lives right next to his summer house and has for ages, saw me and came to say hello.   Apparently Spermy never goes to see his old friend, and when he does see him, he disappears inside the house.   This is someone who sold the summer house to him, very low, because they were friends, and no doubt he thought Spermy would keep up the friendship in some way.    His friend actually asked ME to say hi to my dad for me.  I didn't have the heart to tell him I haven't talked to Spermy in over five years.   This is just the way Spermy treats people, dispose of them once they have given you what you wanted.   Nice.  At least it's not just me Spermy treats this way.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Fours for Mulderfan

Four Places I go:

1. Long Sands Beach
2. Short Sands Beach
3. Portsmouth NH
4. Kittery for the outlet stores to train the dogs around.  

Four Crushes I Have:

1. My Husband:)
2. Robert Lowe
3. My Third Grade Teacher, Mr Sullivan (this is more of a had, since I haven't seen him lately)
4. Daniel Craig

Four Smells that I Love:

1. Meatballs cooking
2. Brisket Cooking (okay anything my husband cooks, so I will stop it here)
3. Honey Suckle
4. Ocean breeze

Four Favorite TV Shows:

1. Hung (not sure if it's coming back though)
2. Dexter
3. Modern Family
4. Gossip Girl (my shameful secret)

Four Favorite Movies:

1. Dances with Wolves (I stop watching when they are all about to go, but before the soldier decides to go back---which does not happen BTW)
2. Jumpin Jack Flash
3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles
4. Overboard

Four Recommendations:

1.  Dean Koontz books.   He has quite the imagination.
2.  Do something new that you always wanted to do.   You won't regret it.
3.  Let the people you love know it with actions and words.
4.  Take care of yourself.   Your body is the only one you have.

Four People that I'd love to read their Fours:

1.  Suburban Black Sheep
2.   Diary of a Scapegoat
3.  One Angry Daughter

4.  Polly Want a Narcissist

Four Things about me that you don't know:

1.  I can burp at will.
2.  I love historical romances by Lisa Kleypas only (another shameful secret)
3.  I totally adore horror movies (though you can't tell by my top four movie list).   I have a hard time finding ones that I haven't seen (ie classic ones) OR any decent new ones.
4.  I refuse to be defined by a political party.  I vote for who I think will get the job done.

Four bands that I love:

1. The Who
2. Jethro Tull
3. Nickelback
4. Duran Duran

Monday, May 02, 2011

A Couple of Other Terms and Where I Am

Blame (for me)-I have a good life, so there is nothing to blame anyone for.   In any case, it has been my life based on my decisions, values, conscience and responsibility.  I neither blame my parents for my adult life, NOR give them credit for my adult life.  It's been earned, bought and paid for by me and no one else.

NOTE:   I have to say that I blame the male donor for infiltrating negative things to my grandparents about me.   It's like from an early age, perhaps he was envious that I had the relationship that he never accomplished with them.   Even with my aunts and uncles (not that these are great people by any means), he actively sought to distance them from me before I was even grown up or estrangement even reared it's head.

***Alright, now I am going to have to make a note to blog on imprinting on young and impressionable minds.   I remember having a lot of baggage about my grandmother, but then I think back to what my parents were saying about her to me.   I never showed it, but it was clear that grandma's place, according to my parents, was a horrible place to go.  Perhaps it was for them, but I realize now all those negative things began to slant how I perceived grandma and her place to be.    I feel robbed of what could have been a deeper relationship.   It wasn't until my wedding in 1991 when I got really upset with her, that we had a talk that truly changed our relationship for the better.   I wonder what would have happened if all that negativity about her hadn't been fed to me on such a constant basis and also the reverse----if the things my father said to her had not been used to influence her.   I am never going to know.   It feels like at least with my grandparents (my aunts and uncles seem about as capable of giving a shit as Spermy) something was diminished for me deliberately and with a plan of action.  I must admit, that I have trouble letting go of that, BUT it's been a newer thought of recent.   It came up (and this is the separate post that I needed to do) when discussing an event that inadvertently changed the way a friend feels about hugging or touching.   It just happened at that young age, and no one did anything wrong.   But in talking to her about how this phobia is probably traceable to that event, it brought up things in my life that were probably imprinted early on.

Blame (for the donors)-ER see the quote below that Spermy left on this blog:

"Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations, buy his daughter pets, paying for college tuition, until you flunked out for the third time, etc. Not the best dad I admit"  ***one might wonder where the Father of The Century Plaque and Trophy went, as I am quite sure that he never received it.

One, I guess he did not get the memo that children require care, and families require care which usually includes working.   Somehow I get the feeling that I am being blamed for his having to work, and then sucking up the money by being the "accidental" child.  BTW I have had multiple jobs without having a child.  Spermy was a teacher with the summers off, and this is when he did his "second job", which did NOT go on for most of his life. 

It would be like me complaining that he wasn't a doctor and I couldn't have the privileged life and stuff that I wanted.  So very glad he put that in writing.   He mentioned recently that he does not believe in face book to a relative.   Yeah, I wouldn't want shit like that out there about me either, especially if I was stupid enough to write it myself (while trying to convince my offspring to reconcile with me).   Or have the pretense of it anyway for appearance sake.

Some families, and I know this is crazy talk, enjoy going on family vacations together.  And he says this like we did this after I was aged five.   We did not.   I also didn't realize what really horrible company I must have been on a family vacation.   I only know that at age five, I was not asking them to rent a house for me on the Cape (eyes roll).

College, I flunked out twice, and paid for all of it.  I apologized (I am not sure why now) repeatedly for this offense that had nothing to do with him, as he did not full fill the divorce financial obligations, which is why I felt forced to go to college right away in the first place.   No one was interested on where I went, what I was doing and getting out of it.   I was just a pawn in divorce proceedings.   But once I did what I knew was right, which was to take a couple years off and work, it all fit into place, and I put myself through college again.   I graduated Magna Cum Laude by the way with a 3.5.

I am pretty sure that I am to blame for the state his marriage was in, for the miserableness of his life, and the reason why people may be questioning his "way" his own offspring.

My mother definitely blames me for our estrangement.   My taking out of context, lies, and the ability not to be able to read what she writes in black and white---all according to her my fault for the estrangement.   Not to mention that I was the one to make it a final thing.   How dare I?  Since it was infinitely discussed with me that I was "the accident" by her, I can only imagine how far that blame goes down the pike.  I have felt it my whole life, and not known what it was.   Weren't other families like this?

Sort of unrelated but I frequently tell my husband what movies my parents used to take me to when I was quite young.  They were not appropriate for someone of my age, especially the late night ones at the drive in theatres.   I thought it was cool for me back then.   But my husband asked "so they had no one to look after you, so your movie go outs were them just dragging you along to movies that they wanted to see?"   I mean it never even occurred to me that my parents, like parents I see now doing, weren't waiting for a Toy Story to bring me to OR bringing me along to see things that I was requesting.  I was just something to be brought along.   I know I am not explaining it right, it's not the movie part that bothers me.   It's the utter lack of interest that my donors had in their own offspring, and have continued to have....I am only useful to them as an extension of them somehow.

Envy (for me)-I do not envy my donors at all.   They are both possessed of things that are material.   I think they are more of a weight to them for the amount of admiration they seek from other people for their "stuff".  

Envy (from the relatives)I was once surprised that a relative said to me (about me moving to York Maine near the beach) "some of us are going to think *why you?*  Why does she get this and that?"  Such a nice thing to say NOT.  Then just last year, my Aunt said to me "we are all happy for the things that you have Robin".  I was surprised to find me, the black sheep, to be the target of envy.  Not nice envy either but begrudging envy.  

How dare I have made my way successfully to a good place without them?   I am supposed to fail, I am supposed to be human garbage, and for sure I am not allowed to live near the beach.  

Have I mentioned how materialistic and greedy my family is on that side?   They used to split up the grandparents stuff in front of them when they were alive.   Actually in front of all of us.   Nice, huh?   I only wish I had found my voice then so I could let them know how appalling they were acting.   We are talking about an old Italian couple who lived through the Depression and did not come out wealthy or anything remotely like that.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Some Terms and My Place in Them

Acceptance (for me)-I believe have a reached the place of acceptance in my relations with my donors.   They are who they are, and I don't need to search any further to figure out who they are.   I am unable to accept a relationship where I am abused, asked to scurry for them, and not have a viable two way relationship.   I would not be able to go beyond a superficial relationship with them anyway, as anything I share finds a way to be used against me.  I am good with letting go of the dream of having a healthy relationship with the people that made me.  It is a dream very long dead anyway.

Acceptance (via the donors)-No they have not accepted that I am an individual with unique views, opinions, and interests.   They have not acceptance that I won't live in repression and lies for their comfort.   As far as the donors are concerned, I have not reached a point where they can accept me IMHO.  

Validation (as it relates to me)-Once upon a time I longed to hear JUST that I was heard (that is after my longing for apology had passed).   It no longer maters to me (see acceptance ).  I have designed my plan of action and gone forward.

Validation (as it relates to my donors)-I am unable to excuse their actions.   I see the words written and said, and I can validate that.    However the actions are in direct conflict with the words.   I can't even believe that my donors feel any real pain of not seeing me, in fact I think it must be quite the reverse, because I will not speak lies and supplicants to them.  I have acknowledged that they fed, clothed, and provided me shelter.   I have also acknowledged that our rift has no connection to how I was brought up, other than there was never a bond there between me and the donors that I could cleave to.   In other words, I can not validate a reason for us remaining in a relationship together as things stand today and have stood for 23 and 14 years.

Apology-From the male donor, I have received the words that "I am sorry" followed immediately by the excuses.   Then followed even more immediately by his public blog post (on this blog) on his grudge that I did not graduate from the first college that I went to (which I had apologized to him a looonnnggg time ago about).  So the words mean nothing to me, it is still clear that male donor feels totally justified in encouraging his current wife to abuse me (physically, verbally, and emotionally).

In 2008 (11 years after the female donor and I estranged, and four years after her lie) the female donor typed the words sorry for lying about how I felt about my grandfather's and step brother's death.   This even coincidentally came after talking to someone she calls SIL that said I felt she was mentally ill, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive (controlling, narcissistic, and the list goes on).  Course she says now that she really felt that way, but NOW realizes it was a mistake.   And then, right after the sorry came "haven't you ever been wrong?"  I mean yeah I have, but not of stories I have made up to simply hurt a person.   I realize my donors are hurt by the truth, but that is not my problem.   It has been my actual experience of observations of something written in black and white.

So, no, I don't wait around for apologies.   I have given plenty of heartfelt apologies in my life that I did not need to make excuses for NOR need to nullify in the next sentence or discussion (or write "shit happens" as an excuse for harming someone).  I in turn, feel nothing to apologize for now.   I spent much time, years, effort, trying to save these (non) relationships.   My time is better spent in other avenues these days.   These things used to cripple me as a person, and now I am free to be me.

The reason that the male donor wants apologies accepted is simply for the sake of appearance for him and his monster.   It makes him look bad.  My female donor, it is not hard to tell, [did not give any apologies really anyway] wants to live in the illusion of her victim hood and martyrdom.  She certainly wants one so that she can rise again to the realm of the "fictional bestest mother", but she certainly does not want a real relationship with her offspring.   She never did, and that is never going to change.  She wants someone to worship at the alter of her, and if you can't do just that, the hell with you.   I am so over jumping through those hoops, and not being allowed to say "no" ever, and that goes for both of my donors.  Never mind that they can not reciprocate with love, understanding, or anything like that.   Those are the times where it is most all about them.

Forgiveness-Much of the way that I was, have been, and continue to be treated as an adult, I can not forgive.   I want to forgive, I try to forgive, but I do not feel it deep inside me.   I don't know the way there, but I hope I find it some day.   I don't like feeling angry and hurt even if it lessens every year.   My non forgiveness is a burden that has been with me for too long.   Sometimes grief does not officially end either though, and I wonder if that is what I am going through.  Or if there is a definition of forgiveness that I have met.  Like no longer needing an apology or validation from my donors.  Realizing they are what they are, and I had nor have any power to change them.   I think I am thinking of forgiveness as the ability to accept them and their actions.

Defintion of forgive from this site,

"To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.

To renounce anger or resentment against.

To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example). "

The first one, not ones in my adulthood, I have not.   I have been unable to get rid of anger and resentment fully (it lessens).   However to absolve from payment (ie you are no longer expected nor required to be in my life), that I have achieved.

Grief-I think with acceptance came the larger part of getting over the grief of letting go of a dream.   But grief is always there, I think just less of it and less frequent feelings of it.   I feel it more now for other people just beginning on the journey to dealing with unloving parents.   It's a large burden for a child or adult to carry with them, and I think you always feel that somehow you never measured up, especially if others have or seem to have.

Hate-I am ashamed to say that it is possible that I may hate one or more of these parties.   I wish I could say that it is simply that I hate what they did.   I don't even know that I hate them as I write this, so I will now look up the definition of hate to see if it shines some light on this.To feel hostility or animosity toward.

The below is from this site,

"To detest.

To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes. "

Weird that they used dishes as an object for hate.   I really thought this was a more powerful emotion than this, so yeah, I guess I hate all parties according to the above definition of "dislike or distaste"

And the definition of detest?

"To dislike intensely; abhor."

Well there you go.   That definition fits how I feel about all three parties if that is how "hate" is defined.

***My female donor has written about her intense disliking of me (though she also "adores and loves me" (er not).   And it would certainly not be a revelation or shock to ME that she hated me.  I would submit to my audience that my male donor hates all women and some races of people that include both sexes.  He needs them in his life, but he hates them all the same as far as I can see.   He has a sociopath's love for women as objects that may provide some use to him.   I believe his marriage is based on mutual hate now (and in the past) because one tries to tear down the relations of another (though I don't blame them for the other's actions).   And the other needs someone to be with, but also is no stranger to saying demeaning things about them at family gatherings, and showing anger in the most ridiculous situations.   It is a perfect marriage for the both of them I figure, BUT not one based on true love.   They would need to really know and experience what it is FIRST.  They are incapable of that.

Pity-I do have that and empathy for my donors.   They are living a life that for me would be torture to live.   They can not be authentic in public, they are miserable on a daily basis (maybe not female donor, but her posts do not give me the impression of great joy even on her other blogs), and they feel out of control and angry when they can not control everything.   To keep the relations that they still have, I have to assume that they still need to hide themselves from some of these people.   Two of these people are in deplorable physical condition, and one I heard had to use a walker recently.   Obviously, their physical condition is not my fault and was not so great before we estranged, and is their responsibility.   But it does point out to the fact that emotionally they are not doing so hot.   I don't think this is because of me, and in fact I can only imagine that I improved things in the marriage of a couple of parties.  I think it is because of the way that they are, and how they must relate to others.   I would be quite miserable to if I could not be myself, could not be honest, and had to live behind a mask.  Been there, and done that.  It is no way to go through life.   Of course taking their mask off does not mean unmasking a kind or gentle spirit, and therein lies their problem.  No one would want to be around them without the pretense, free food, and liquor.