Those Little Things You Haven't Cleaned Yet

Two days ago, a Yahoo reminder popped up to remind me of Spermy's birthday.   It's been 5-6 years since we have talked (I believe since 2005) or e-mailed.  Last time Spermy made his oh so public comments on my blog were in May of 2007.   Really this estrangement should have started 18 or more years before 2005, but I had drunk the Koolaide laced with "keep your family ties no matter what".   I had already committed a sin of not talking to my mother since 1995, and so felt an obligation to have one donor in my life at least.   Such a mistake on my part!  But I was performing and paying back the burden that I was for being born, like an obedient accident.  Or as I think now, a DUMB ASS.

I have no need or want (an indifference really) to be reminded of his birthday.  Big whoopy ding dong day LOL.  It would be like tracking a stranger's birthday, but I have not taken the time to delete these things that no longer interest me off of my calendar.   This includes Eggy's birthday, and I haven't spoken to her since 1995 or 1997, although I have had blog or e-mail discussions with her very infrequently but the last one being November 2010, when Eggy was hinting the person ordering from her online sales (and then not paying) was me!   I am sure she wanted my attention (the reason for this posting), and then enormously regretted what she got (an explanation of libel and the financial implications to her of continuing this--plus the phone numbers to the FBI and police in her area should she wish to actually find the perpetrator).

So I am not seeing any need to be preparing to send out birthday cards, online birthday wishes, phone called birthday wishes or surprise birthday parties for these people.   Way back when I lacked self esteem and was DESPERATE for any support and love from my family, I kept up a family calendar of everyone's dates, addresses, and telephone numbers.  I have not cleaned these items up yet.

I think part of healing and part of getting over the hurt, grief, and anger is letting these things go.  Not allowing these things to infringe or pop up out of nowhere in your life anymore.   I need this head space for far more productive things (and pleasant things) these days.   The donors that have been burdened by me for 18 years while I was growing up, have already had their payments met by myself.   Those obligations are gone now, and I can breathe in easily and enjoy the peace of the day, instead of playing the games of the donors.