Or, someone can realize the person in front of them is not someone they care to know

"Someone can be a good person and still believe untruths. This is what inspired me to write about Being Wrong. Because I believe that many good people believe bad things about other good people who don't deserve being so maligned. After all, it is said that you have to demonize someone before you can hate them. It's a lot harder to dislike and hate someone who really is a nice enough person. So, to estrange them successfully, it helps to demonize, demonize, demonize!!"

No, for me, it was a very painful look at the reality of the situation.  My NM is not a monster or a demon.   She is just someone I don't want in my life.   So many examples of why including her blog and postings about me on other sites that were "not meant for my eyes", as an explanation.

That's fine, but there is no reason to again point the finger of blame at me, and continue to not recognize my valid reasons for estrangement that have been laid out for her (and certainly not denied by her).   It's statements like these that have me shaking my head.

Six posts over three years to say you are wrong? Or that everyone else is wrong?

There has been an elephant that I have been trying to ignore, but have become fascinated by it.  My egg donor has been writing a now six part series on "being wrong".   I have no idea what the point is to any of these posts.

You would think I might have some insight into this, but even looking at these seems akin to falling down the rabbit hole that is my egg donor's rational in the worlds of things too big and too small (and way off kilter).   It's been a couple of years since I have specifically brought up either of my donors as a topic, but I am just too fascinated.   It's sort of like seeing something disturbing (like the injury to the basketball player in the news) and yet need to look to be sure it's okay.   When you look though, there is no way this is okay (or sane).  My mother wrote a similar odyssey of her martyrdom, sacrifice, and the harsh cruel world that forced it's indignities on her in parts I, II, III, and of course IV.  I have linked my thoughts as this series went on here.

Now to be followed by the six, yes six, and lengthy part series on "being wrong".   I had done some posts on her previous four part series, as I was confused as to the purpose of these postings.   You know this was not new to me, except for one disturbing piece of information.  I had after all, been the accident that began the whole story, and lived in the house as the "events" unfolded while living in the donors self involved dramas as the bit part pawn.   Course I shouldn't be surprised that the egg donor might have forgotten that I was there at all!

So now we this most recent series that I will try to summarize the message of (though I am thoroughly confused as I read them, and wonder if some sort of small stroke might have occurred or dementia):

Part 1 May 30, 2011  Entitled "Being wrong the book the experience" Here we find that she finds her friends are wrong about Bob and Janice (see part 4).   So she is first not liking them, but then finds her friends are wrong, and likes them.   So here is where she is wrong, but then wait for it...Part 4 nix that, she was right all long!   In each she is the hero or the victim.   Heroically she reverses her sheep like reaction, and overcomes her wrong friends.   Then she finds she is a victim to her rescues, and her friends were right after all.   Meaning ultimately, she was always right, always doing the right thing.

Part 2 June 14, 2011 Entitled "More on the subject of being wrong"talks about deception on the Bachelorette?  Um, er, okay.   This is reality.

Part 3 October 2, 2012    Entitled "When you are just plain wrong"   Talks about how she was wrong on her assumption of Hugo (you might think one would notice a trend in themselves by now...ASS umptions based on nothing more than the marbles rolling around in her skull)  

Part 4 October 4, 2012  Entitled "How is it that we choose the wrong answer?" Now it is Bob and Janice, started from an above post.   Now they the very horrible people she first thought they were based on other people's opinions, who she found to be wrong previously (LMAO).  So is that like a double negative, where wait for it, she was right all along.

Part 5 March 28, 2013 (***and I have to note this came after "someone" was reading extensively on my blog after I posted on 3/25) She read a book called Being Wrong.   In it it described an experiment where people would give an incorrect answer (on something that would be obvious) in the presence of other people who gave an incorrect answer (sounding like peer pressure or the sheep response to me)   Other people apparently incorrectly believed they were paralyzed.   So we are all capable of believing anything at all, and thus are always incorrect (you know except possibly one person *her*)  Blah blah blah, and how others treat other strangers on the Internet regarding what side of estrangement they are on, and blah blah blah blah and we get to the Carol story.   Who may or may not have been a perfectly lovely angel, but the point is Tim would have had to be wrong but not meaning to be wrong.   But Eggy knows of course.   And blah blah blah to a final point of that could people can be abusive while thinking they are doing a good thing....  (um, if they are and they are good, they have apologized once they realized this, and not taken this as their excuse as to having not done anything wrong at all).   Doing the "right" thing and being abusive are not compatible.   Sorry, not going to excuse eggy nor should anyone else excuse eggy's behavior for this lame "excuse".   Its taken her many many years to think this one up, she should have done better.

Part 6 March 29th 2013:  From part five, what if she was her friend Tim that was clearly wrong (and why wouldn't eggy be sure about it one way or the other) about the other friend Carol.   Sometimes we are all Tim, though she does not know why we would be Tim.  "People" have likewise be "wrong" about her and that makes her both pained and irritated.  But in the end, she magnanimously accepts other people's right to be wrong, and perhaps not even know they are wrong.  Guess that is probably someone like me.  I wouldn't bother to list all the things that I have been "wrong" about that have been acknowledged AND are out there in black and white.   Where she was being abusive but "thought she was doing the right thing"---give me a fucking break.    Seriously, she bore birthed and brought me up, did they tell her I was retarded?

So you get the point of her series right?   I'm off to see the caterpillar and smoke whatever comes out of his pipe.   My advice is this.   When you are wrong, step up, apologize, immediately.   Don't wait years and then try to come up with excuses in a series of senseless blog posts.   I am not assuming she is posting for my benefit by the way, I just wonder how many other people know her who she thinks are idiots that would believe this claptrap (be they Carol, Tim, Janice, Bob or the Jabberwocky).   That is the wrong way to say it, who she thinks are to stupid to see through to what she really is.   Yeah, I definately look at her through a dark film, as I have experienced her first hand once upon a time.

 I have dealt with being wrong right away in the moment it happened.   There is no excuse for not owning up to what one has done or taking ownership for it.   You can't disguise it as having abused someone while thinking you were doing the right thing, as everyone knows it's bullshit.   The only one someone who thinks like that is fooling is MAYBE themselves.  The very sad thing is that they (self absorbed, the selfish, narcissists) are really trying to fool their victims.   They think all these words will hypnotize their intended victim into a stupid state of unconsciousness.  

I don't think all the parts to this newest (senseless) series is over by a long shot either.   Perhaps I am wrong, and I will own it if I am, but she seems to be doing a very dysfunctional dance trying to exonerate herself for something.  Abuse, being wrong, I don't know.   I don't care.   Maybe I am wrong about my opinions about her, but I have earned those opinions and would have to ignore so many actual actions and writings to dispute my theories about her----and that would make me an idiot.   I don't like her or trust her to want to be an idiot for her.   Been there, done that, it's over.

Anyone want to take any bets on how many more parts there are to go?   I am going to say there will be eight parts by the time she is finished.

Other Things That Narcs or Socios Do

One way we can a,ll help out others is to highlight our observations and experiences.   People who have not yet realized they are going through this, have no idea that they are in the midst of this.   Confusion, hurt, and despair rain down them, as they wonder what they have done to deserve this treatment.   The sooner that someone may be able to come to the conclusion that it is in fact not them, the sooner the process of healing and decision making can begin.  

Do This and I Will Do That #NOT:  A narcissist can only see from the point of view of their need (or a sociopath if they are more likely to step into the world of the illegal or physical violent).   They can not see that their relatives do things with them or for them in order to spend time with them.  They get the correlation of how to get something from their victim alright.  

They see this as a way to get you to do something.  They assume this is the same for you, so they dangle a carrot.   They do not realize that this carrot is a promise to spend time with you or to do a project, nor do they care.   They see this purely as a means to get you to do something, even if you would have done it with the empty promise of a project to be done on your behalf (you are thinking more of afternoons spent spending time together).

Oh, and when the time comes, whatever it was (cookies you last made with your grandmother and socionarc; the bookcases that you would build together, the door to the outside that you would be taught how to frame), those will not ever be considered as being done with you or for you.   These were just a means to get to their end.

Do They Believe That They Are Roosevelts? (or the use of imagined future assets as another carrot)  Another great trick for control is the "I want to leave you in my will but....."   Course this only works if the victim is very concerned with being left in the will or cares at all.   It particularly does not work if your victim thinks socionarc is entitled to whatever money they can save to themselves, AND further more is quite sure that their assets will remain in the negative.

It would perhaps be a bit more affective if they had a narcissist as a child who saw great potential in their future assets.   Then you would have to hope for a greedy socionarc child for this to be at it's most effective.  

Otherwise, what socionarc is  telling their "beloved sperm or egg" is that you think so little of them, that you feel the need to bribe and control them.  Not fodder for a great bonding experience and relationship.

I Have A Great Opportunity for YOU!  (er no they don't)  "I am doing a run (hahaha, not in my stepmonster's case---a charity lift up where her servants carry her around) for charity, and I have an opportunity for you to donate for me and have great advertising"   Translation "You are my horrible step daughter who does nothing for me, I have found a way to use you and am too lazy to get anyone else to give to this to.   I must always find a way for you to do something for me, so I will pretend this has a benefit to you".

Or you have the opportunity to give your product away at your cost so that your donor or monster can gift this to someone, as they are "supporting your business" NOT in anyway using you as a low cost means of getting gifts.   After all, this produces SO MUCH publicity for you, and you would only be relying on family and friends to drive your business.

***Trying to stay out of the personal realm here, but failing in the latter examples.

What other "great" things have your Narcs or Socios done for or to you that announce "I am a Narc and/or Socio"!!!  "I care not at all for others, and may pretend to care for those who cater to my life being as comfortable as possible without regard for anyone else but me!"

Spousal Abuse

A couple of my favorite blogs talk about the abuse Narcissistic parents can heap upon their adult children's spouses.   I have found this to be true, and to go further, I have found that they will try to get to me through my spouse.   Suddenly, my husband is their besty when they need to get to me.   Luckily we have a solid relationship, and so they are not able to do the damage that they seek.

Mulderfan shares their thoughts in a couple of excellent blog posts that illustrates abuse heaped on her spouse:

Spousal Abuse
Guilt After Spousal Abuse

Upsi also shares how her own mother put Upsi's husband between them!

Destination:  Gaslight Junction (or as I like to think of it, rewriting history to make one the hero of the story)

I think what really pissed me off when either of my donors disrespected, went after, or used my husband was the following "didn't they get enough jollies out of the mistreatment of me"?   I mean really, you see us a couple of times of year, I am being the dutiful daughter and sucking it up, but you need to also do these things to him?  That was unacceptable to me.   It also tells you how lacking in self esteem that I was, that it needed to come to that for me to say "A FUCKING NOUGH ALREADY".

They both tried to use my husband readily enough when the estrangement began, and this is after my female donor had nothing but criticisms to say to me behind his back.   And my male donor felt it appropriate for him and his monster of a wife to call my husband at work, while his mother was dying, for the sole purpose of complaining about me (and in the monster's case to be sure he did not want to list our house through her).

Really, it had to come to that for me to really really see them.   Astonishing, as I am not a stupid person nor normally so willing to have people treat me shabbily.  Just thinking about it, pisses me off all over again.  

I saw a posting on a board that unfortunately describes what I feel for my donors "I despise them, I really do."

Seven Lucky or Unlucky? Hard to Say...

So, for the first time in seven years, we had a year without the death of a beloved family member or friend.   That is a success for sure.

2011 is going well (and still the streak of no dying continues--course it's January).  I did continue 1 week of doing my music, I have to get back to it.   Three dogs are being prepared for competition, and while it is not an acceptable excuse, it is all I got.  In fact, I am going back to practice today.   In just seven days, the performance got better, but I really want to make something happen for Sweetie's (my husband) Valentine's day.  I know he really misses my playing from the old days.   I am also trying to create a Valentine's card in addition.

I see that Spermy visited recently.  Didn't leave a comment, and most likely didn't like what he had to read, oh well.  I am sure he still disagrees with my version of my life and feelings .  He and his wife, in his mind, have been lovely, wonderful, fun, and loving people in their relationship to me.  That is okay, good for him.  Have a nice life, and bah bye.  Why does he still come here?   Does he expect to be regaled with stories about all that "wonderfulness" that was his parenting style?  HAH!  I saw that he read my "Nitty and Gritty" page.  

Yeah, yeah, I did not graduate from U Lowell in my music major, so of course, it was only natural for my father to be emotionally abusive (threaten physical abuse, and support the monster in her actual physical abuse) to his daughter.   Not to mention that I apologized, picked up the bill (when I could have left the loans to him as they were cosigned). Poor Spermy that this is all that his accident did wrong, you know besides become estranged.   And besides having moved in with her now husband to be sure this was the right "forever" relationship.   And besides not wanting the monster to sell my house.    And besides not wanting monster to sell my own house while my mother in law was dying.  But you know:

"Join most of the human race. Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time."

Which interprets to, "Geesh, I could care less that your mother-in-law is dying.  My evil monster of a wife finds it to be an insult that we can't sell YOUR home.  So just buck it up buttercup.   There will be no *oh, whatever you need in your hour of grief* here, only our selfish desires.  Cause afterall, you ARE the accident, and you did not graduate U Lowell, even as you foot the bill.  So our abuse of you is perfectly reasonable and within our right." 

Which I should really thank Spermy for, because I had under estimated what a selfish dickhead he really was (I mean I knew he was a dickhead, but the depths that he would go to for his own comfort were as yet unknown to me).   Er, yeah, so you see I am still improving LOL (if he is going to visit, he is going to be visited upon by my anger at his prickedness).   The "Nitty and Gritty" truth stings a bit, eh?   Course, I had good times beyond that, just ask Spermy.   I am not saying there may not have been a few, especially before I reached the third grade and started to develop my own take on the world, but I am saying that the bad (by far) out weighed the good.  Unless normal people feel that being treated like a pawn in your donor's ongoing drama for most of your life equals "good times".

I so wish that I had acted out more.   My husband had plenty of good times (parties while they were away which ended in some furniture loss) at his house, and although his parents found out, they loved him even still.   He did not graduate from college, and you know what?   His parents still loved him, and made sure he knew it (that does not mean he did not get properly disciplined, but it does mean that they actually took care of him in a loving way).   Perhaps that is not the norm...   However, observation of other people who do not view their children as "accidents" or an extension of their hated ex, tell me differently.  I could have at least gotten away with some real doosey's before I left to justify the donor's future treatment of me.

 I have kept my goal of not visiting Eggy's blog.  I have been able to let go better recently than I have in the past.  Although, even as I write this, just saying that gives me the itchy urge to type in the address, but I won't.  It's like when you know that eating something gives you a short term high, but long term you don't feel as emotionally or physically good.   Yet you do it anyway, just for that short term satisfaction of "knowing".   It's not worth it though, and I have enjoyed not knowing.  It doesn't mean that the morbid curiosity does not still exist, however.   I was improving in the past, but the improvements continue.   The reality that I have all the info that I need on these subjects.  Years and years of info and reality, I really don't need to know anymore.   Time to breathe deep and let it go.

Even beyond my thinking about the estrangement, I think that my communication improves on many levels in business and personal life.   I still find myself getting a little hot and sarcastic on occasion (NO NOT ME and not that this is any great fault) but am able to take a deep breath and reign it in (when it does not involve Spermy or Eggy invasions---and I unfotunately saw that Spermy also went to some of the blogs to the left as well).

We are all just imperfect players in the game of life, but we can always grow, enjoy, and reach out for all that life has to offer us.   I am thinking about someone going through a hard time right now, and you know what?  Someday it will be over, and so don't give up just keep pushing ahead!  Things that seem so important and upsetting one day, dwindle in their power over time, especially when they are really not all that important.  My donor's they just do not amount to anything important in my life.

Be Aware What You Tape Over

This is sort of a funny story.   Neither I nor my husband remember when or if this is what happened.   I have no recollection of Eggy sending me a tape in the beginning of our estrangement of her ranting.   I suspect this may be, because if I had received such a thing, I would not have listened to it.  I further speculate that I probably would have thrown it in a draw with other tapes, with instructions to do with it as anyone would want.

My husband and his friends make tapes and discs for each other.   A few years ago, Robert put together a tape for our friend, Rich, of stuff that he liked and wanted to share.   Apparently, it was on a tape with Eggy ranting (at the end of it) for another 15 minutes LOL.  

Our friend heard this, and was totally horrified by the behavior of this person on tape.   He called Robert up to find out who it might be that he was listening to.  My husband had forgotten to tell me this, and on a day where I was feeling blue about my family, told me so I would know that others who have experienced Eggy think she's as horrible as I do.   Apparently she was listing off things as to why she did not need to respect me.   Our friends comment was "and this is a parent?".

I enjoyed the humorous story, and very glad that I never listened to the tape myself!

15th Year Anniversary

It's not the actual day or anything of the estrangement. That was a few months back or forward in the year of 1995, and I didn't realize it was the start of something in my life. I also didn't realize that saying "no, my most important priority is NOT making sure you get exactly what you want on your birthday via a list that you send to me of approved items". It was not like Eggy didn't get birthday presents, she did....she just decided to inform me that she didn't like any of my presents. She decided to inform me of this, and then make demands after we received a package for my husband's April birthday in September or October.   You know that old baseball glove that we had just been pining for all year (eyes roll---cause the husband liked to watch sports, and wouldn't already have his own baseball glove).

She claims later to not have known what was going on (as far as my husband's surgery was going).   I know she did, I sometimes managed to get a word in edgewise between the  "memememe and then there was mememeememe and then IIIIII".   Also, I really could have given a crap whether she knew or not.  WTF!!   What kind of person does this?   I seriously came out of that?   Come on, there must be some mistake.   (there is an uncanny physical resemblance that makes the "switched at birth" theory seem unlikely...)

I received this request just as my husband was about to go into surgery to get six inches on his colon taken out. I wonder if the timing wasn't such that I was working sixty hours a week, my husband was about to have major surgery, and the bizarre timing of a gift so she could get a gift....would I have just given in like the good little mouse of a daughter that I had been? Would I have just rolled over? I like to think I wouldn't have, but I might have to be perfectly honest. I was just fed up at the time, it was the very final last straw in the millions of straws received.

A gift, a fucking gift, that is what was worrying this woman? How about no fucking gift, how about that? How about you buy yourself things you like, and I buy myself things I like? Despite my mothers fictional stories about rushing to my rescue with a bike that I needed (hahaha), I could afford things. I wasn't asking for anything, and did not ask for the bike or anything else she gave me. I didn't type out lists of what I wanted every year. Isn't that for children to do for Christmas? Weren't we adults now? I was at least. I didn't want anyone stressing out that they may not have gotten me exactly what I wanted every year, and guess frigging what, I didn't get exactly what I wanted BUT I APPRECIATED THE THOUGHT THAT WENT INTO MY GIFTS. What a ingenuous holiday concept!  Now unfortunately, I have recently found out exactly what those thoughts were, and I WISH WISH I had known that then.   I would have in exact detail which orifice to shove her "gifts".

She wanted this to improve "our relationship".   As  Dr Phil would say "how did that work for you?'   Because spending time with someone, listening to someone, supporting someone emotionally, and not spending every conversation talking endlessly about one's self could not possibly be a way to improve a relationship.  Crazy talk!

All that though, that's old news.   Fifteen year old news, Eggy hadn't finished yet.  After all, she was denied what she wanted.  I dared to utter that one word "no".  Here we are 15 years later, and the bitch female donor still tried to solicit my attention by committing outright libel when two previous other posts failed to reel me in.   The accusation of cyber theft did manage to get my attention unfortunately and divert my attention from trying to enjoy perhaps one holiday in which I do not have to grieve anything or anyone.  But the cunt female donor needed to be the center yet again.   If I had just thought to think that not only was this the holidays but also her birthday month my 15th independence day, I would have been so much more prepared to just ignore the twat female donor.

Meanwhile the thought my Eggy put into my presents was her imaginings of what a loser life I was leading. I guess I could only aspire to be where she was at that same age, in a loveless marriage, being miserable teaching, and having her husband dictate for her what she could and could not do. I am guessing Eggy might have been just the least bit jealous, and wanted her payment for the life she missed.....due to "the accident".  Well, here it is honey, here is your payment.   Happy Anniversary to ME!!!   FUCK OFF TO YOU!

Eggy is MOST Thankful for Herself

You will so to your left a blog called "Suburban Black Sheep".   They have great postings on there that they call "Notes from the N-Playground".   I am totally running away with the idea for myself, solely because I have a great one to share.   This was posted the day after Eggy both put up a blog that implied I was cyber stealing from her starting in 2009, and subsequently took it down when I told her I could contact the Lancaster PA Police and FBI to look into that for her, while explaining libel and the consequences of committing libel on purpose like.  Here is what female donor, Eggy, posted:

I was looking for something to make me laugh: Don't passive-aggressive smile-face me! http://tinyurl.com/acqpq9

Oh, SHE needed some cheering up after posting falsehoods (which basically were the call to her egg to (PAY ATTENTION TO ME, WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT ME, PAY ATTENTION TO ME, I DON'T THINK I HAVE HURT YOU ENOUGH LATELY).  Poor widdle baby girl, got awl in twouble like, and now she needs some cheewing up.  Well at least I was suspect five in back of four other possible people that are pissed off and hating her.  Wonder if it's her creepy admirer from last year that was posting on her birthday video?

Aw look, she's just satan a little old lady.   I wonder if she is bopping this guy her admirer is someone else that got screwed (literally or figuratively, you choose).  How surprising to see a video quite literally all about her on her birthday!   Wonder what she will be thankful for this year?

EGGY:   I am thankful for me.   Then I am thankful for myself.   Then my art is thankful for me.   My photos, they are also thankful for me.   The birds, trees, and flowers all say thanks to me!  And Jimmy, can you let us know how thankful you are for me too?

JIMMY:     Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, what er huh?   Oh yeah yeah, thanks for you.  So thankful that I have gun under the bed should life go on just a little bit longer.   Yeah, that's right, thanks for you hon.   No, no I am listening, you just go on talking about yourself bitch  sweetheart.

Dear Karma

Please give this lady the swift kick in the ass every time she does something nasty. It appears that you have been doing your job. While I personally don't like to hurt people or want them in pain, if they are doing this to others, dear Karma, they need a lesson more severe than I can personally or even want to dole out to them. I am glad that you are out there, Karma to take care of that little chore for me.

Please keep doing this until she becomes a better person. I know that the reality of this happening is far fetched, but I believe it's the most possible when you are smacking her upside the head. If she never becomes a better person, please be sure, Karma, to hold her hand in her last moments.

Karma, also thank you for reminding me of what a foul human being she is, by letting me see the foul lies that she still insists on putting up on the Internet. It's not only the lies, but the things she says like "I realized I couldn't work in a gas station for the rest of my life".

Reality check here, I took a conscious two years off from college to find myself while WORKING two jobs (much like she did as a waitress when she was knocked up, before sponging off the city for a degree she never ended up using or enabled her to keep any job for awhile--see I can spin a loser story too, except mine is the reality). Some donors (or when not associated with the likes of mine----parents) would find this something to be proud of. I certainly learned about taking inventory, balanced cash, and those sort of worthless things. I worked as a janitor, ticket taker, and candy counter person at a cinema. The janitor position was very physically taxing as I had to push a vacuum that weighed almost as much as me. Between biking there (this was well before the theft of the bike) and having to clean two full cinemas and two bathrooms, I was kept pretty fit and healthy, plus I got paid.

I also managed to glean what I wanted to be, an opportunity that I had never really been given before. I already knew, as that fucking bitch knows, that I would be doing something else. I was 19 years old, and quickly later became employed by Paul Revere Insurance and excelled there, BEFORE I WENT TO COLLEGE (which although in the fictional universe my mother paid for, but I in fact paid my tuition for years I was successful and those that I was not). In fact if I had stayed there, and not moved on with my college career, I probably would have been a lot more successful, had a retirement plan, and much more vacation time then my later jobs before becoming self employed. I guess that makes me a loser, rather than someone doing what they want to do while living at the beach with the love of my life and my awesome dogs?

I am quite darned proud of my record, and most parents would be proud of their daughter that had worked so hard and taken care of themselves so well. Since I didn't realize the evil, nasty, foul nature of my mother at that point, I didn't tell her to shove the worthless presents that she bought me so she could be a "good mom", while thinking her foul and negative thoughts about me. Talking about leaving my bike unsecured and she needed to come to my rescue (two years later?). First of all, my bike was secured--has she ever heard of bolt cutters. Second of all, where we lived, which I didn't realize was next to a quite active tenement of prostitutes and drug dealers, where a family was gunned down in the middle of the night----the fucking least of my worries was that my bike might be stolen (or car, and a friends secured motorcycle disappeared within hours of being there). I could also afford my own fucking bike, and when she rushed to my rescue according to her fictionalized account (two years later when we lived in an entirely different apartment one block away from my work, which I enjoyed walking to even though a had an AUTO) by buying me a bike that weighed like 75 pounds, and hounding my husband to do all the "surprise birthday" footwork for her....I should have driven that thing right to where she lived and dumped it on her foul doorstep. I didn't even want a bike, but thought it would be rude to refuse a present. Where we lived had an abuser living above us that we had called into the police. I believe he broke into our storage area, and I wasn't about to call attention to myself (he had guns and knives up there) to get it back. Course it was my fault for living below someone where we regularly heard "no put back the knife" and when the police would show up----the woman would say nothing was wrong.

These are probably far from the last fictional stories (oh just look for user name imaginny in this search, I doubt I have found all of the stories as yet)that I will find about me penned by my dumb ass egg donor. I am thankful ,Karma, that you give me these frequent reminders of the right decision that I took far too long to make. Imagine this all started because I said "no" once. "Nope that is not going to happen for you", got far too much on my plate to give you gifts that you aren't even thankful for, and now worry that they are not the perfect representative of what you think you are.

Little victim, "what did I do that day to be called dumb and have my information linked on the blog?". Oh, gosh, doesn't she know sending five people after me that have all been educated in your fictional accounts of my life, would not be well received? Finding the never ending parade of falsehoods and the evidence of what a twisted fucking sense of reality that she manufactures to prop her worthless loser self up? Perhaps that's it. Apparently, there is a list of people that she does this to. And so I am not sorry that Karma kicks her sorry butt down the stairs regularly. She deserves it.

I gotta say, once upon a time I was a pretty good daughter. To make fun of parents who say "well I did not beat you or sexually abuse you", my proof of good daughterhood is that I didn't try to kill you in the middle of the night, and then parade around with your heads on sharpened sticks. So I must have been one hell of a daughter. I hope all the other people that she regularly pisses off to the point where they hunt her down to steal from her, are also able to exercise that sort of level of control.

My sincere thanks, Karma. Happy Holidays. Deliver to her everything that she deserves this holiday season, and thank you for the bang up job so far.

This Sperm and Egg Combo Advises---Don't F With Me Beyatch

****Sorry it was just too much. I had to release this rage one more time. It irks me, as I know this is just what the foul beyatch wanted. So think of this as returning the favor this holiday season.

I am never going to her website again, I think I can say (14 years later) I got a good idea of how this woman is...and I am good being way way away from her. She hates being called dumb (though in all irony the blog post she is talking about calls three other people dumb, I never imply that she is coming to my site, though the person who is implied to have come has an isp address from shrewsbury mass...but she says I always have to be right without even reading the post or understanding what it is about, but getting (her words) her reporters to post back to her) What is dumb is sending her online "reporters" to my site to harrass me, and what is dumber is to continue to piss me off with her lies and fantasies about me. I DO NOT PLAY, and when I do get into action it's not in a passive aggressive subtle sort of fashion.

Glad to see you have a healthy list of suspects of people (the cowardly she bitch has taken this post off her website now, guess we can call off the Lancaster police now about the supposed cyber theft of money?) that can't stand you guys. Jeez, and the funniest thing, you post that bogus post about me....and then blame me when you start getting harassed by someone when I am doing my best to ignore your insanity. Makes me wonder if this is just your fantasy post to get my attention. Well you got it, but not in the way you want it baby cakes. Sounds like you hang with an upstanding crowd.

All the stuff you have out there is in writing, and can be used against you in a court of law. Especially since I do not have to prove any financial hurt on my part, just that you lied about me in writing. And if you follow the bread crumbs of your untruths and paranoid fantasies, you can see anyone could find themselves to me.

I do it so much more directly AND legally. You might want to stop, as I have now directly identified almost everything related to you on my blog. I don't play, and may see fit to take it down when you apologize, fess up, and stop the shit entirely. I warned you that I was keeping tabs on what you write.

Oh, and then I could call you if you do not cease and desist, or is that what you are trying for? Because if it is, I never ever see a period of time where I will feel forgiveness for you or fondness of any sort. The reason for this is that I don't believe you are mentally ill or that what causes the foulness that lives inside you. Some people are just born without love, compassion or empathy for anyone but themselves.

Here is the other thing though, you are too much of a coward to e-mail such allegations to me as I am not afraid to do. Most likely you are ripping the phone jacks out of the wall for fear you will have to try and justify your miserable excuse for life and being.

Crimes can be reported to either the Lancaster Pennsylvania Police OR the FBI. If any crime does even exist, and if this is not your sad and pathetic attempt to be noticed after a long ignoring period.

I am more annoyed at you than normal today, as I found yet another version of your events online regarding a bicycle story. Yes, you manage to make anything you have done, and everything that you do ugly. I remember you hounding Robert to go get the bike, that I didn't want by the way. You claim one that I left my previous bike unsecured, which is untrue. We did live in a high crime area, where a family was murdered in a drug deal gone wrong....guess if I had been murdered, instead of having my bike stolen, it would have been some loser thing I did.

You know genius, when you got me the bike I HAD A FRIGGIN CAR. I walked to work because it was like a block away (perhaps a detail that someone so totally in not in love with themselves and all things them could have figured out), and I could certainly afford my own bike. It was understood to be a birthday present for me at the time. Thank you for soiling yet another memory of mine, and letting me know the ugly negative thoughts that go through your mind every day. I no longer need to read your blog, and am disappointed in myself at being sucked in again.

What you never understood about the Columbia that was stolen, was that it was my first bike and I loved THAT bike. Clearly you manufactured other reasons why I missed my bike, but this is the thing that you don't get about me. I am not material and I am not into "things". I understand that my bike was a thing, it was also a memory of times gone by in which my world was a lot more innocent, and it just may have been possible that I had loving parents. When I read the utter crap that you write about me, it just can not be possible that you loved me as anything other than your mirror. Unfortunately for you, the mirror started seeing that something was not right with the reflection.

I said the other day that I didn't think I hated anyone. Wow, I didn't know how wrong I was. Every time I try to forgive you or move on, you shit in front of me. I don't believe you are mentally ill either, or that if you are that is an excuse for your behavior. I find you to be a very ugly person inside, and feel bad how much it must hurt to live with the foul blackness that rests inside of you.

New Bent to The Blog-31 Days Technically Left

Dear Readers,

I hope you don't mind if I change up my blog to something entirely more interesting AND a much better use of my time. This is going to become my satiric humor writing blog. It seems a more appropriate choice, though by my first goal of burying the donors figuratively, I do have 31 days left.

I know that I have had entirely enough on what either of them would have to say about me. At least one of them keeps their mouth as tightly shut as their wife's pursed disapproving lips . The other continues to show the ways in which they can not only not be trusted not to spread my name all over the place, but telling the truth seems, er, a challenge to them. As well as boundaries, and the understanding that someone they had cheated on in marriage most likely prefers to never hear from them again. I know, hard to figure out why that might be:)

I think I have burnt out on sarcastic things to say about that. However, there is plenty more in life that can be commented on I think, and I hate to bog down other avenues that I have to write with this cappola.

In the meantime, bible thumping Gale or BTG as I will refer to her seems a constant visitor now. Interesting.....

It's Not About You Anymore Folks...

98.149.147.# May 1 2009 1:06:42 am 8 28:15

AND

charter.com ? (Commercial)
IP Address 24.183.184.# (CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS)
ISP CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : Massachusetts
City : Worcester
Lat/Long : 42.2647, -71.8089 (Map)

Ah guys aka the donors, you are going to find very little about yourselves here anymore.

Love in It's Widely Recognized form

It's been 18 years since our marriage vows (this year) and 23 years together in total. Blowing away my parents first try of 18 years of wedded hell (19 years or so of being together in total to account for my nine month incubation period). What is freakin hilarious, is both of my "loving" piece of shit parents have always downgraded MY marriage. MY "I didn't need to get married because some sperm landed on my leg and one lodged inside" marriage. Or my "found the first person who could fucking stand me marriage" (though I admit to that being quite a feat for that donor). Or my "second person I ever fucked while married marriage".

MY marriage which has included zero cheating on either's part, is not because we are afraid to die alone. No DUMB ASSES,

****Note inserted here, we would have had children to live in servitude to us. Yes you read that right chilDREN, because you need to account for possible death, the fact that they may hate you for good reason later on--due to the expected servitude---, moving away from you, and they may marry someone you don't like, so one couldn't possibly keep their fucking mouths shut for the one or two days out of the year that time is spent with the grown up egg/sperm combo. The big mistake my donors made was not making a few models to ensure that one would end up a whining, sniveling, back boneless creature. Instead, lucky them, they got me with a working brain and ingrained self esteem.

and the owners of the sperm and egg that spawned me have ever felt the feeling in it's true and widely recognized form, it's actually because we love each other...and not for one moment faltered. I realize this jealousy stems from not being able to duplicate this, and living in your own personal hell and all (karma really sucks doesn't it?). It's certainly not my fault however, I arranged neither marriages or the sad tragic little lives that live within them. Nor any health problems that anyone may have developed, though their postings try to blame me for it (since the suicide note didn't work). If I had powers that worked like that, I would strike one mute and fingerless (and toe less in case they had the fortitude to come back from that, which is extremely doubtful as exercise is a four letter word to, well, either one of them)

Neither of your mates (currently) are who I would have picked either. See you stupid pieces of narcissistic shit, this is called an individual making their well defined choice. Blame whoever you want for your miserable meaningless lives, we've just come back from the beach in our miserable lives LOLOL. I've gone jogging, he's watched a little Red Sox, and the earth hasn't collapsed in on us as it would for either of my donors. Imagine the ruckus that would ensue by a spouse making the smallest "mistake" in their houses!! In one a glass being broken or spilled milk, would be cause for much drama. In another, imagine that a sporting event would want to be watched in that very house LOLOLOL. It would be too much. The sonic boom would be heard around the world, cause it's not what they likely.

What is really sick on my egg donor's part is the criticism of my marriage because I have been married so long. Like until death or something, no shit that vow meant something. And not because I said a vow, but because I actually carefully considered who my partner would be. It wasn't just someone who leaked on my leg one night while I was in a drunken stupor. Imagine how a little bit of contemplation might make a marriage that will work, if you will. Now imagine what Ms Egg Donor might say if I wasn't married at all LOLOL. For Christ sake, would she fucking shut up already with her assumptions and negative criticisms and God awful whining. The she says "she never sees the good in what I say." Lady I don't need you to see what little good you have said about me, which is like 1% of your totally out there rantings to an audience that is too stoopid to see you for what you are. They are picked well, props to that.

Other people see me and know me. I don't need to put up with negative BS from either of , saying that my unhappy childhood is BS. Oh I guess that's why I didn't get out of bed even to shower for three years, that was my happiness at my childhood peeking through. Or how I started having dinner in my room only to keep out of your mother fucking fights that were the norm at dinner. Yeah, great childhood. Or finding one donor at home talking to men about how they were fucking person Y, that was great as well. Sometimes children tell their parents that they were good parents out of a sense of politeness, as the alternate version that one was a rotten egg sucking parent from hell that one would never wish on another human being, doesn't go over so well on those holiday occasions.

Though when gram told Ms Egg Donor that only whores wore red nail polish (which I agree is wrong, but it was Gram so it was freakin hilarious), and Ms Egg Donor went ballistic, I totally missed the joke, as I didn't know that Ms Donor was personally collecting other donor sperm. The thing is E donor convinced me everything she was doing was cool because S Donor was such an ass, but then later it occurred to me that things could have been handled just so much better and ethically. But narcissistic sociopath;s don't care as long as it fits in with their happiness. Hey let someone else tell me what was going on, and also notify me on the next marriage.

Ah yes, the proof is that Ms E Donor went to therapy and so she could not be a narcissistic sociopath. Um, I can't think of anything that would make Ms E Donor quite as excited as talking to someone about herself for hours and hours. Course Ms E Donor would have to pay someone eventually, because who the fuck can take that. Who cares? They both totally chose your estrangement. They both totally could not make a compromise of any sort, and broke whatever promises you made. A least one is a sick pathological liar, who deserves everything that is coming and more.

Heaven forbid one would express anger to either of my chickenshit parents, by the way. Certainly in person, it can't be taken after doing and saying inappropriate things in public or private. One is supposed to say "thank you, can I have another?" However, I am not being hazed in a friggin sorority here or in any club that would have the those two for members.

This has been a message from your sponsor: JUST SAY NO TO DUMB ASSED PIECES OF SHIT.

And if you are trying to mend an estrangement, this would be a really bad way to do it . However, if you are welding the little fucker shut, it is an absolutely inspired way of doing it.

Regardless of the Attempted Explanation...

So did you or I miss an apology there, or explanation as to why she needed to elevate herself by debasing her daughter.

Oh, and why was a drinking problem that is non-existent mentioned as well as a medical problem being the reason for our estrangement.

Publicly she wishes to exonerate herself, but privately let me let you in on a little secret. The shellac put over a rotten piece of wood does not make it worth any more.

Anyhow, between that and the lies about name calling in e-mails, it's a poor way to try and extend an olive branch, and just about as believable as the sky being a putrid green.

I am not dissappointed in my anger causing her not to have direct contact with me (that and the shame and guilt she must feel at being such a liar and excuse maker and shellacing over her rotteness). That is by design. It's not the anger that scares her, it's the truth. The truth that ain't all that pretty nevermind how you wrap it or stick a bow on it.

On my blog, I would like to tell Ginny where she can stick something. Big old fake.

Oh, and lest we forget the sharing of my name with her sick little gremlin friends. God help their (the gemlins or BOL club as I like to call them) children if they ever decide, er make the mistake, of reconnecting. Run far, run fast.

MIA My Mother

The person who has been lost is the woman sitting to the right (your side). I haven't seen her for awhile. One day, she disappeared from sight.

She used to bake me cookies on occasion. One Valentines day, she made me a very nice pink cake with candy hearts all around. On my birthdays, it was homemade Angel Food cake, whipped cream, and strawberries. I got as much of that as I would like.

I supported her, even when it should have been evident that she was not doing the right thing. I used to go to antique markets with her and help her set up. We used to enjoy looking at dolls and dollhouses together.

Even when I started to understand what had happened in the family, still I supported her.

The disappearance began subtly with friends. She didn't like my apartment she didn't like my friends. She really resented that there was a boy that I fell in love with. She really hated weddings. My graduation was really about her and my father. Her rage grew and infected everyone. Her entitlement to things that I couldn't provide became that I must not be doing well.

Eventually, I looked around and POOF the mother that I had thought I grew up with either disappeared or was an illusion in the first place. She wasn't the most loving, the most attentive, but I thought she was a nice person once upon a time. I look and look, but she is not there.

There is an angry old woman where she lived. She tells stories about me that aren't true, but I have no idea who this woman is. What the heck did she do with my mother?

Do you know?

COUNTDOWN 44 DAYS

Okay, I had to remind myself who my mother was, and what exactly I was being punished for. I answered questions truthfully, and shared things about myself on my web. Things that were shared, and if talked about in person with my "loving mother" would of course be used against me, duh. I mean, I know who she is, how stupid am I for falling into it AGAIN.

Really, I have grown in so many ways. That's why I am doing this, not for drama, but as a formal exercise and ceremony of letting go in ways that I have not before. (scroll to the bottom for the note to myself.

My "thanks" to my mom for this. Guess the two years was not working for her since she wasn't hearing from me, so she decided a little roll in her own feces would do:

"If you would like me to explain my post where I mention your bipolar disorder in another way than I have, I will give it a shot. Please realize that I have known about your disorder for over two years and have not, that I can recall, mentioned it on my blog previously due to my awareness that it would be a sensitive issue for you if I did. So for over two years I have not talked about it on my blog until a couple of days ago. (I am not 100% positive but I do not recall mentioning it before.)"

Yup, you got it, I fell for it before. I fell for the same tactic again LOL. Only now she doesn't want contact, she wants the arrow to find it's way home AGAIN. And she didn't have to explain, I got it. Much like I got:

"Since you haven't chosen from the items that you mentioned in the post above, I will choose one item that has bothered you a lot. That is about my post on Family Rifts in which I mentioned your feelings about your stepbrother and grandfather's death. Your belief is that I lied with the intention of hurting you.

Obviously I was wrong. "

No apology was forthcoming after that except the exclamation of "haven't you ever been wrong". No, in fact in posting in public a lie that would hurt someone that just happened to come on the heels of my mother finding out that I believed she was metally ill (which would have been a more acceptable explanation for me). However, I believe her when she says she is not, which leaves the unfortunate conclusion that she is just a horrid person, unfortunately, that is narcistic and likes to hurt the "daughter she loves" Ha!!

Here is my list for you, since that format seeems to make more sense for you (this was done for my mother because she kept twisting my words in my own list, she couldn't repeat back exactly what I said):
1) Did not appreciate the hurtful lies on a board about my feelings about my grandfather or stepbrothers death, mainly because it was a hurtful response to your finding out I thought you were mentally and emotionally abusive.
2) You are mentally and emotionally abusive IMHO. Due to the fact that you have a one sided standard for a relationship. You are not able to accept boundaries (ie spying on me, interviewing family members, bi polar mentionings, other public board postings about medical info that could be written privately, the fact that you respond publically most of the time to your "audience", and so on....I have mentioned them before).
3) While I have not pressed for more info on your "explanation" (there was none) of your mentioning my bi polar that was outside the realm of being spiteful and hurtful, as was in the past, instead of listening you EITHER make up your own stuff or start compiling "evidence". It never ends.
4) YOu don't listen. YOu don't absorb anyway. You make up lists, answers, other explanations, but the one thing that you do not do is listen. Or acknowledge or apologize. YOu do make dramatics for being asked to acknowledge or apologize. I was at first assuming these lists were an attempt to acknowledge, but I perceive a spin on my words coming about.
5) You have shown no interest in ME while you knew me. That is evidenced in your posting about my job and what you thought my strengths were. You were so busy making up negative stories, that you never enjoyed my successes or worried about my worries. Your worries centered around not getting the perfect gift. I did try to be there for you by doing things like organizing the clean up of your father's apartment, but it was never enough. And it was always about you.
6) YOu do not know how to have a two sided relationship. You do not understand love or define it the way I do.
7) You try to control things, and slam dunk things when they do not go your way. You assume that you are the only person that has gripes, and that you have nothing to gripe against.
8) Given the opportunity to move on, instead you took the opportunity to provide me with a "therapy" letter. You could not keep your word on the way our relationship could and was planned to go forward.
9) Given the opportunity to come visit and work it out, instead you took the opportunity to give a list of demands, after agreeing that we could do things that I liked to do for ONCE. Like I would force you to bike ride or anything, that wasn't the point. The point was you were again being controlling and manipulative. That would not fly anymore.

And I have grown, and continuing a relationship with my father was a huge mistake. It is possible that dissolving it sooner could have actually saved our relationship. Instead, it gave him more a sense of entitlement for his and her actions.

This is the list in my words. If you want to reword it, those are not my words. I won't retranslate for you. I think I have been more than clear on my viewpoint. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are trying to understand, but the continued rehashing of this does no good.
I am really mystified as to what you are trying to get out of it. This has all been said before. There is nothing new here.

You could have listened and understood this years ago, though perhaps I wasn't so good at communicating. I apologize for that, however, I am not thinking I saw great examples of communicating in my childhood. I am not blaming anyone, I am just explaining as to why I may have lacked some skills.

Any how, I am really done now. I don't need responses to these, but do that for yourself if you want. You had mentioned going to my blog as a means to help you. I don't want you to, nor think you especially want to.....I am just saying, you can do what you want to do. I certaintly keep on top of what you are blogging about. I don't use it as a method of communicating with you or your friends who are visiting. I don't write it with a thought of reconciliation, and I am sure there are harsh things there.
I just do a mental dump there, and like I said you are less than 10% of my postings. And most of my postings usually come along with thoughts of what was posted on your blog.
I do read your blog to reassure myself that I have not made a bad choice. Past actions should speak for themselves, but truth be told, I find it reassuring when you keep on making the same mistakes. I should say though, I appreciate your honesty of what really goes on in your head most times. I do feel as though you are "playing" me right now. Using an empathetic tactic, which clearly sucks me in. I have to honestly tell you, I don't see a time that I will ever trust that it is so. So if you are looking to get something by providing responses that you think I will appreciate it, it is for nothing other than perhaps the satisfaction that you may have made me feel better if not trustful.

Dear Robin,

You have done all you can. You offered every option and opportunity. You know where this lady's head is at. Move on, who cares. She will lie about you, embellish things about you, willfully hurt you, until she finally dies. There has not been been a time that she has actually loved you or cared for beyond an extension of herself. You know that for the love of God.

SMACK!! UPSIDE MY HEAD!!

Wake up idiot. It's time to accept that she is just going to do it, and you don't even know the sick little friends that she "collects" to elevater herself with the lies and embellishments that she tells.

Sorry but you needed that.

Sincerely,

Yourself

How Stupid., Of Course

Dear Coward,

You need not bother to answer my question. I am very well aware that I am still in punishment for not talking to you. I know you not only want to hurt me, but you want me to seek you out.

The thing is, I have been totally over wanting anything from you, other than for you to stop lying about me for at least 10 years. I won't ask anymore, I will just hunt you down wherever you go in public to talk about me. I know when nice does not work, nasty works better, and I am not even warmed up yet:)

If you don't want to hear from me, I would suggest quite strongly that you stop. Otherwise, you will hear from me in many and various forms and forums.

Sincerely,

Brave Enough not only to tell the truth, but in not needing to break down others to elevate myself:)

Who can spin the best yarn?

Oh, I think I can spin one better than Imaginny.

I started to, but then unlike my mother I did not have the heart to make up half baked stories. So here is my more simple one.

This is a yarn or fiction remember:

My mother was a wonderful loving mother when I was an adult.

Ohoh, and I was the victim of PAS syndrome:)

The End

Now that is what I call fiction.

Let me point you to the place...

Where all kids are snotty brats, and your estranged mother could be talking about all the intimate details of your life with complete strangers. I bet you would be surprised at what your parents can say about you, when they think they are safe and in private.

http://estrangedstories.ning.com

It's even an apt term "stories". Cause I am betting, and knowing Imaginny who helped spearhead all this, my mother, she tells some whoppers herself. I already enclosed the link for hers. She is way too much of a coward to confront me with her version of "reality", because she knows exactly what the truth is.

Course now I am calling her names for telling the truth. Heaven forbid I should use any profane language for someone who treats me as carefully as she does.

Best thing that ever happened to me was when I found her website in 2005 (the her blog companions which are all linked here to my blog. She has tried deleting things since then. She has some whoppers on there still, but at least she used to be brave enough to tell her lies publically where I could call her out on them.

I suggest that any estranged children check out the Ning site, before the group moderator makes it hard to join, and find out if your parents are on there talking about you. It may save you from making a really huge mistake some time in the future, or it could present a dialouge to deal with the issues. You decide.

Karma Has a Way of Following You to Your Grave

Karma will follow my mother to her grave. She will cuddle up with her lies and manipulations, and go to the afterlife deluding herself that she has been right.

I hope she doesn't go on this journey alone, but I fear that will be her fate. On the other hand, it's not like it hasn't been by her choice alone.

At some point she will either own it, or there just is darkness out there in the universe (in that there is no afterlife).

At any point, I am sorry that she will make that journey without me, on the other hand, I accept that I can't accept her manipulations and lies as "love". She knows what she has done, even if people can't see behind the curtain of victim hood that she pulls over herself, and wraps herself in it's warm fuzzy softness, ignoring that it's really porcupine quills sticking into her. The present of love that she gives so nicely wrapped, is filled with cow manure instead of a glowing softness.

If others want to accept that into their lives, I guess I can just be glad that this person who is somehow related to me will not go to her grave entirely alone-perhaps.

On May31st, I will bury the thought of my mother ever reaching out in a way that I recognize as lacking in manipulation, deceit, and outright lies. This site will be deleted, and I will quit searching for the woman that might have existed once, and accept that she never did.

FORMAL DOUBLE CEREMONY TO FOLLOW TO BURY A PAST AND PRESENT THAT I AM MOVING ON FROM. I HAVE FORGIVEN MY MOTHER BY ACCEPTING, FINALLY, THIS PART OF HER THAT WON'T BE CHANGED OR CAN'T BE CHANGED. I FORGIVE MYSELF, BECAUSE I COULDN'T CHANGE IT OR ACCEPT HER VERSION OF "LOVE". WITH THAT FORGIVENESS WILL COME THE MOVING ON, DELETING THIS SITE, AND NOT SEARCHING FOR "HER" ANYMORE. INSTEAD I WILL GRIEVE, YET AGAIN, FOR WHAT CAN NOT BE, AND COME TO ACCEPTANCE OF THAT DURING THIS TIME OF MOURNING.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SEARCHING FOR MY FATHER, I NOT ONLY KNOW WHO HE IS BUT HE DID HIS DAMAGE A LONG TIME AGO AND HE HAS TAKEN ON SOME OF THE RESPONSIBILITY, WHILE ALSO CALLING OUT THE FLUNKED OUT OF TWO COLLEGES CARD WHICH I HAD REPEATEDLY APOLOGIZED FOR (AND FINANCIALLY PAID FOR IN ADDITION TO THE COLLEGE THAT I GOT A RATHER STELLAR GRADE POINT AVERAGE FROM WHEN I GRADUATED). I DON'T BLAME HIM, HE IS WHO HE IS. HIS WIFE IS WHO SHE IS. AND HE AND MY MOTHER WERE A PRETTY WELL MATCHED PAIR EVEN IF IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. HIS NEW WIFE IS WELL MATCHED TO HIM AS WELL, AND I HOPE SHE AND HIS SIBLINGS OUT LIVE HIM SO HE WON'T BE ALONE AT THE END. I WON'T BE THERE, THIS PART OF MY LIFE IS COMING TO A LOOONNNNGGG AWAITED END.

JUST A BIT OF FORMALITY IS NEEDED. I HAVE ACTUALLY FOUND THAT EXERCISES FOR RELEASING ANGER AND GRIEF HAVE HELPED ME VERY MUCH GET OVER ALL THIS. NOW IT'S TIME FOR MY MOTHER'S ACTIONS TO STOP SURPRISING ME ALREADY, AND TO KNOW THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED WHO MY FATHER IS, AND THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT WORK. REALLY NEVER WORKED.