Thursday, March 17, 2011

Spousal Abuse

A couple of my favorite blogs talk about the abuse Narcissistic parents can heap upon their adult children's spouses.   I have found this to be true, and to go further, I have found that they will try to get to me through my spouse.   Suddenly, my husband is their besty when they need to get to me.   Luckily we have a solid relationship, and so they are not able to do the damage that they seek.

Mulderfan shares their thoughts in a couple of excellent blog posts that illustrates abuse heaped on her spouse:

Spousal Abuse
Guilt After Spousal Abuse

Upsi also shares how her own mother put Upsi's husband between them!

Destination:  Gaslight Junction (or as I like to think of it, rewriting history to make one the hero of the story)

I think what really pissed me off when either of my donors disrespected, went after, or used my husband was the following "didn't they get enough jollies out of the mistreatment of me"?   I mean really, you see us a couple of times of year, I am being the dutiful daughter and sucking it up, but you need to also do these things to him?  That was unacceptable to me.   It also tells you how lacking in self esteem that I was, that it needed to come to that for me to say "A FUCKING NOUGH ALREADY".

They both tried to use my husband readily enough when the estrangement began, and this is after my female donor had nothing but criticisms to say to me behind his back.   And my male donor felt it appropriate for him and his monster of a wife to call my husband at work, while his mother was dying, for the sole purpose of complaining about me (and in the monster's case to be sure he did not want to list our house through her).

Really, it had to come to that for me to really really see them.   Astonishing, as I am not a stupid person nor normally so willing to have people treat me shabbily.  Just thinking about it, pisses me off all over again.  

I saw a posting on a board that unfortunately describes what I feel for my donors "I despise them, I really do."


mulderfan said...

My problem is, the N bastards in my life know me so well they can slip the knife between my shoulder blades with great precision. The two loves of my life, my DD and DH (even though he's dead) are favourite targets. If that's not enough, they go after my other passions, rescued pets (this makes me a nut bar)and antiques (junk).

My GC younger brother, is especially adept at this technique because I have made the mistake of pouring my heart out to him in the past.

Your validation of my posts means a lot. Thanks!

Winterskiprincess said...

There was a time they could crush me, and make me feel awful. I think it's an especially big shock to the male donor when I just don't care anymore. Why would I care what that shithead thinks anymore?

The games that they play are so disturbing and damaging to the people they supposedly "love". Not in my book!! One reason I was glad we did not have kids, is I would hate for them to realize what hateful narcisstic and sociopathic grandparents they had.

Jonsi said...

Interesting...NMIL never tried to get to my husband through me. I think she could tell straight away that I wouldn't stand for that kind of shit.

Instead, she tried to go around me. She tried to ignore me. (Still does.) She liked to pretend I didn't exist.

That only worked for a short time. My husband and I are too close, and have too much respect for each other to let that kind of behavior go on. I talked to DH a lot about how that kind of behavior was not acceptable. In the beginning, he just didn't know. Now he knows, and he doesn't allow it anymore, and hasn't for some time.

Anyway, I think it's because I NEVER played her games. So she knew she couldn't manipulate me. People like her are AFRAID of people like me.