WTF?

Yes I see that you have been peeking in several times since Lynn's death.   And no, I don't accept your invitation to "connect" on Linked In.

Say it with me "dysfunctional triangulation" yet again.   If I had an interest in "connecting" with you, I would call you, as most normal people would do.   Perhaps write.   Instead of triangulating your messages through relatives or websites.

I DO NOT have any interest in contacting you.   Lynn's death has NOT inspired me to disregard my boundaries or my happiness.

And if we see each other at an event soon, just try to act like a normal human being.  You know "hi" and walk on by.  Not glare, or press up against the redbox distribution center, or scowl, or any of the number of things you usually do.  Unless it is the other one, in which case also just try to act like a human being.  Let me talk to my relatives if I want to without running up and inserting yourself in between as you did at the anniversary party.   Trust me, I have no interest in talking about either of you.

Just going to support the groom and bride.   So please, don't take these as opportunities to do whatever selfish and inconsiderate thing it is that you are tempted to do.  Try just try to be decent one time.   It would be appreciated.

More complicated thoughts on estranged "family" death

I am very sad when people die.   It very much affects me.  I am also compassionate for the families of their relatives who are now gone.  

Strangers die, people I have watched on TV die, acquaintances die, people I have seen around town die, co workers die....and some of those people (not all but some) I have had a closer relationship than my own FOO.   Should I die, I do not want someone showing up at my funeral that I have chosen not to speak to for years---sometimes more than a decade even if we might share a gene or two.   I will be grateful for their mourning, but please do not desecrate me if you were not in my life with your pressence in my death.

In the same way, I have chosen to honor my cousin without pretending our relationship was something that it was not.   People closest to her that chose to keep their relationship real and alive with her should surround her at her funeral (assuming that was her wish). 

If this was myself (which it is notand I know that), I want a cremation and very private perhaps non existent memorial.   I do believe that my cousin who passed was not in spirit itching for me to rush down to be with her body and a bunch of people who have not bothered to reach out to me until a death in the family (typical by the way). Trust me, if she had not talked to me for years (and we had no falling out, I believe it was an organic growth of our dysfunctional family state), at no point would her big concern after death be whether I was there or not at her funeral.

 I guarantee you, my spirit will not be zoning for people I have not talked to for a decade or more when I go (but maybe that is just me, and just because I have dealt with that already).  Just scatter me with my pets around the beach or the yard by someone who truly loved me, and was with me through the happy, the sad, the bad, the good, the sickness, the health, the poor times, the rich times, through work, through play, and on and on.   Do not come to me after I die to say how much you blah blah blah.  You did not even know me.   I did not know my cousin that well, only superficially.  I did like and respect her.   I think I knew something of what she might of felt about our family.   Then again maybe not.   I have not talked to her for a very very very long time.   Before then, we may have talked once to three times a year, even when we were little.   We never corresponded on Facebook or anything like that.   Never shared a really deep thought.

I feel for her, and I feel for her family.   Got a call from my Uncle, which I did not return, after about seven years of him not bothering to contact me even after I reached out long ago.   This is not a punishment to him, he is just not in my life.   I worked very hard to purge myself of the virtual strangers that can take and can demand, but can never give or empathize in return.  And I do empathize with them, but they don't need me.   I don't need them to use me as their proof that I will come running, and after all we are a close family.   We ARE NOT FAMILY EXCEPT IN THE MOST STRICT BIOLOGICAL SENSE.

I know the cashier at the grocery store better, and I like her more.  (A bit harsh but I speak the truth here)   So while I feel sorry for them, they are going to need to turn to the people they have kept in their lives.   I grieve for my cousin on my own terms.  I certainly do not want that poison to surround me in my time of grief---that is really about lost opportunities for her.

Deaths In The Estranged Family

Found out that my Step Monster's sister died this last February.  Her sister was actually a nice and seemed to be real person.  I remember when her fist child came along, how very very happy her and her husband were.   Then their second child came along, and was met with more happiness and love.

She was smart, educated, warm, funny, and was loyal to her family.   I was never in her inner circle, but I appreciated her for the woman that she seemed to be.   She was taken much to early, apparently from breast cancer.   I don't really know, but the family requested donations be sent to a breast cancer research foundation, so that is my guess. I believe she was in her sixties, so she was pretty young actually.

But not as young as my fifty year old cousin that died this month.   Her brother, the one cousin still in touch with me, was good enough to let me know.   I had not talked to my cousin in some years.   We were somewhat close once, and then moved apart.    Actually, although not officially estranging from her family, my cousin lived a distinctly separate life from her family.

There are quite a few sad parts to this tale for me.   One was that she was about to move to Florida to spend more time with her family.  She was just on the brink of putting all that in place when she died.   Or maybe that is a somewhat happy thing is that she probably died in her sleep, while being excited about this.  I only wish she could have full filled that adventure.

The other sad thing is, and I can only guess this from coming from the same family, is that I don't think she ever felt comfortable being her authentic self around her family.   My family tends to converse in criticism.   My grandmother used to converse this way, and I finally figured out this was her way of saying she loved you.   So I would just tease her about that (after I figured that out) and call her out on this.

It is my opinion that my aunt uses this same technique, but I am not ever sure that if she does feel genuine affection for all of her kids, that they have felt that.   There is something about a constant chipping away of saying "your too fat", "when will you settle down", and on and on that if you accept that and let that poison seep into your system, you internalize it and it owns you.   No amount of jawing the words "I love you" will undo that, without the opposite actions of showing actual love.   When someone makes it seem at least that they love your successful career, but not this other part of you, it makes you hide and cover things that are perhaps not that grim or worth covering up.

I have come to a place where if a relative is doing something self destructive, you should perhaps let them know of your CONCERN (different than criticism) one time (maybe two times).   You know after that, they are going to do what they are going to do.   You can either have a good and loving relationship until the end, or you can have an adversarial relationship or the appearance at a relationship at the end.   As long as that relative is not hurting you, and you have let them know you are there to help them, there is no point in heaping criticisms upon them or upon loved ones of theirs.   Especially if they are not hearing any positive things from you to counter balance that.   I still believe that harping on a criticism that is not relevant to you presonally, can only be harmful to the other person.

I don't know that this is what happened with my cousin, but if it did, I wish she had an opportunity to fully deal with that, and have authentic relationships in her life.   She was a bit self destructive perhaps, but I think this was born of the ability to ignore a nagging voice that she let inside her head, which may have insisted that these criticisms were all there was to her.

When we used to get together, there was fun in my cousin and she could be very funny.   I think she was very lonely and felt alone however.   I know that feeling, and when you do not perhaps have a partner to share that with, and you can't share yourself with your family (or you feel that way) it erodes at you if you let it.

I think while my step monster's sister died too early, that she did have a happy and fulfilled life.   I don't know that for sure of course, and everything in my family is about appearances....but she seemed too real to be masking a real unhappiness.   Lynn on the other hand, I think was maybe just about to blossom at 50.   Perhaps establish real connections in her life that might have been less than she wished for before.    Course I had not seen her for many years, so I will never know.   We had grown apart when I was having my own struggles coming to terms with what my family meant to me.

I was more on the outskirts at any of my step monster's functions even when I was "in" the family.  My cousin and I spent time together growing up, and seeing each other at the minimum at family holidays that my grandparents used to host.   My cousin lived on a lake, so my aunt and uncle would also have events that they would host as well.   When we grew up, I pretty much counted on her to hide with me in the corner from the rest of my family LOL.   I didn't really realize at the time that we may be doing this, but we would both grab a glass of wine and head for a quiet part of the room and converse most of the time there.

Anyway, two beings have left the earth at too early an age.   I grieve them.  I remember the good times, and the great things about each of them.  My step monster's sister will live on in her children.   My cousin will live on her her nieces and nephews, who she adored and who adored her:)

I wanted to capture my feelings about my cousin and my step aunt here.   Later I will post some more complicated feelings and situations this brings about.  I hope I have honored them both in some way.   One way is to be sure that I take care of myself, and spend time with those that I love and who love me.   To try and break out of my inner shell on occaision and have as authentic relationships as I can have with those people.   I miss that they are not in the world anymore have the lives that I imagined for them.   I wish them peace and happiness where they are now.

I wonder if this is such a hard task for most everyone in the world, or is it just me and my family.

Some Terms and My Place in Them

Acceptance (for me)-I believe have a reached the place of acceptance in my relations with my donors.   They are who they are, and I don't need to search any further to figure out who they are.   I am unable to accept a relationship where I am abused, asked to scurry for them, and not have a viable two way relationship.   I would not be able to go beyond a superficial relationship with them anyway, as anything I share finds a way to be used against me.  I am good with letting go of the dream of having a healthy relationship with the people that made me.  It is a dream very long dead anyway.

Acceptance (via the donors)-No they have not accepted that I am an individual with unique views, opinions, and interests.   They have not acceptance that I won't live in repression and lies for their comfort.   As far as the donors are concerned, I have not reached a point where they can accept me IMHO.  

Validation (as it relates to me)-Once upon a time I longed to hear JUST that I was heard (that is after my longing for apology had passed).   It no longer maters to me (see acceptance ).  I have designed my plan of action and gone forward.

Validation (as it relates to my donors)-I am unable to excuse their actions.   I see the words written and said, and I can validate that.    However the actions are in direct conflict with the words.   I can't even believe that my donors feel any real pain of not seeing me, in fact I think it must be quite the reverse, because I will not speak lies and supplicants to them.  I have acknowledged that they fed, clothed, and provided me shelter.   I have also acknowledged that our rift has no connection to how I was brought up, other than there was never a bond there between me and the donors that I could cleave to.   In other words, I can not validate a reason for us remaining in a relationship together as things stand today and have stood for 23 and 14 years.

Apology-From the male donor, I have received the words that "I am sorry" followed immediately by the excuses.   Then followed even more immediately by his public blog post (on this blog) on his grudge that I did not graduate from the first college that I went to (which I had apologized to him a looonnnggg time ago about).  So the words mean nothing to me, it is still clear that male donor feels totally justified in encouraging his current wife to abuse me (physically, verbally, and emotionally).

In 2008 (11 years after the female donor and I estranged, and four years after her lie) the female donor typed the words sorry for lying about how I felt about my grandfather's and step brother's death.   This even coincidentally came after talking to someone she calls SIL that said I felt she was mentally ill, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive (controlling, narcissistic, and the list goes on).  Course she says now that she really felt that way, but NOW realizes it was a mistake.   And then, right after the sorry came "haven't you ever been wrong?"  I mean yeah I have, but not of stories I have made up to simply hurt a person.   I realize my donors are hurt by the truth, but that is not my problem.   It has been my actual experience of observations of something written in black and white.

So, no, I don't wait around for apologies.   I have given plenty of heartfelt apologies in my life that I did not need to make excuses for NOR need to nullify in the next sentence or discussion (or write "shit happens" as an excuse for harming someone).  I in turn, feel nothing to apologize for now.   I spent much time, years, effort, trying to save these (non) relationships.   My time is better spent in other avenues these days.   These things used to cripple me as a person, and now I am free to be me.

The reason that the male donor wants apologies accepted is simply for the sake of appearance for him and his monster.   It makes him look bad.  My female donor, it is not hard to tell, [did not give any apologies really anyway] wants to live in the illusion of her victim hood and martyrdom.  She certainly wants one so that she can rise again to the realm of the "fictional bestest mother", but she certainly does not want a real relationship with her offspring.   She never did, and that is never going to change.  She wants someone to worship at the alter of her, and if you can't do just that, the hell with you.   I am so over jumping through those hoops, and not being allowed to say "no" ever, and that goes for both of my donors.  Never mind that they can not reciprocate with love, understanding, or anything like that.   Those are the times where it is most all about them.

Forgiveness-Much of the way that I was, have been, and continue to be treated as an adult, I can not forgive.   I want to forgive, I try to forgive, but I do not feel it deep inside me.   I don't know the way there, but I hope I find it some day.   I don't like feeling angry and hurt even if it lessens every year.   My non forgiveness is a burden that has been with me for too long.   Sometimes grief does not officially end either though, and I wonder if that is what I am going through.  Or if there is a definition of forgiveness that I have met.  Like no longer needing an apology or validation from my donors.  Realizing they are what they are, and I had nor have any power to change them.   I think I am thinking of forgiveness as the ability to accept them and their actions.

Defintion of forgive from this site, http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/forgive:

"To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.


To renounce anger or resentment against.

To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example). "

The first one, not ones in my adulthood, I have not.   I have been unable to get rid of anger and resentment fully (it lessens).   However to absolve from payment (ie you are no longer expected nor required to be in my life), that I have achieved.


Grief-I think with acceptance came the larger part of getting over the grief of letting go of a dream.   But grief is always there, I think just less of it and less frequent feelings of it.   I feel it more now for other people just beginning on the journey to dealing with unloving parents.   It's a large burden for a child or adult to carry with them, and I think you always feel that somehow you never measured up, especially if others have or seem to have.

Hate-I am ashamed to say that it is possible that I may hate one or more of these parties.   I wish I could say that it is simply that I hate what they did.   I don't even know that I hate them as I write this, so I will now look up the definition of hate to see if it shines some light on this.To feel hostility or animosity toward.

The below is from this site, http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/hate:


"To detest.

To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes. "

Weird that they used dishes as an object for hate.   I really thought this was a more powerful emotion than this, so yeah, I guess I hate all parties according to the above definition of "dislike or distaste"

And the definition of detest?  http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/detest

"To dislike intensely; abhor."

Well there you go.   That definition fits how I feel about all three parties if that is how "hate" is defined.

***My female donor has written about her intense disliking of me (though she also "adores and loves me" (er not).   And it would certainly not be a revelation or shock to ME that she hated me.  I would submit to my audience that my male donor hates all women and some races of people that include both sexes.  He needs them in his life, but he hates them all the same as far as I can see.   He has a sociopath's love for women as objects that may provide some use to him.   I believe his marriage is based on mutual hate now (and in the past) because one tries to tear down the relations of another (though I don't blame them for the other's actions).   And the other needs someone to be with, but also is no stranger to saying demeaning things about them at family gatherings, and showing anger in the most ridiculous situations.   It is a perfect marriage for the both of them I figure, BUT not one based on true love.   They would need to really know and experience what it is FIRST.  They are incapable of that.

Pity-I do have that and empathy for my donors.   They are living a life that for me would be torture to live.   They can not be authentic in public, they are miserable on a daily basis (maybe not female donor, but her posts do not give me the impression of great joy even on her other blogs), and they feel out of control and angry when they can not control everything.   To keep the relations that they still have, I have to assume that they still need to hide themselves from some of these people.   Two of these people are in deplorable physical condition, and one I heard had to use a walker recently.   Obviously, their physical condition is not my fault and was not so great before we estranged, and is their responsibility.   But it does point out to the fact that emotionally they are not doing so hot.   I don't think this is because of me, and in fact I can only imagine that I improved things in the marriage of a couple of parties.  I think it is because of the way that they are, and how they must relate to others.   I would be quite miserable to if I could not be myself, could not be honest, and had to live behind a mask.  Been there, and done that.  It is no way to go through life.   Of course taking their mask off does not mean unmasking a kind or gentle spirit, and therein lies their problem.  No one would want to be around them without the pretense, free food, and liquor.

December is Not Christmas Time Anymore

Here we are in December, a month that I very much enjoyed as a child.   Being an only child, I did actually get a lot of gifts on Christmas and during the family part on Christmas Eve.  I loved the decorations, making up the tree, and most of all Gram's house.   I don't think it's faulty or sentimental on my part to think those Christmas's and other holidays at Gram's house were filled with a little magic.   Okay, maybe that is a little exaggeration there LOL.   Those were the holidays that I loved, and they were gone many years before Gram finally succumbed to old age and all of it's problems.

I did go on celebrating Christmas with my little family.   On the first of one of my dog's deaths, Neptune, on December 21st that magic started dwindling away.   Since then this month (not year) has seen the loss of my Mother In Law, Mustache our cat, Jazz our first dog, and finally Jackie last year.   These are by far the worst of estrangements.   My grandfather passed away a couple of days after being too sick to spend Thanksgiving with us.  I missed my last Christmas with my Granmother, because monster did not want her to come and then complain about going back to the assisted care facility.   I should have just gone and spent Christmas with grandmother!!  In my current frame of mind, the thought that I just could have done that did not even occur to me.

So while in general I enjoy holidays more because I don't have the past obligations to the estranged, I do not think the month of December will ever hold the joy for me that it once did.   I am okay with that, it's nice to remember my fallen friends and family who have been estranged through the event of death.   That is more important than a holiday made to commercialize everything:)

However, though these are joyful memories, they do make me a little blue, as my time with those friends and family members have passed.   December is filled with so many days of passed family and friends.   So it is important to get out and enjoy life in honor of those that have passed.  

A lot of my pick me up comes from my husband and my dogs.   We have been watching the first season of Columbo on Netflix, and also whipping each other's ass in Playstation 3 fighting game.   I have continued to cook with my husband.   We have been having a lot of fun doing this.   I used to hate cooking as I had no instruction pre my marriage in the correct way of doing things, and so my meals turned out like crap.   I need A LOT of instruction just to get through the little things that go wrong, or what the consistency should look like, or what's the difference between this mixing and that mixing.   With instruction, go figure, we have had some excellent meals that we made together.

Yesterday, I started clearing out some skating paths in our wetlands out back, which have frozen over.  Good work out, and kept the dogs out there for about four hours while I worked on it.   I think we all got good and frozen, and then took a nice long cuddly nap together.   No doubt some good exercise came from it too, as I am clearing the brush ET and that blocks the paths in the wetlands.  It snowed yesterday, so now I have that to look forward to clearing.   I don't know if the rink will be done today, but it should be done by Christmas if I work diligently on it.

My In Law family is Jewish.   Traditionally, they have not done the big family thing around Hanukkah.   Although my family alternates it between my cousin's house and the sperm donor's house, I have wished more to see other family during times when I won't be around the sperm donor and the monster.   Also it seems that side of the family thinks if we see each other, we will run straight into each other's arms.  Now spermy might put on a good show for the family, but I have seen him outside the family and did not feel an out pouring of love and good wishes from him.  I also saw him a long time ago at a family event, where the monster spent her time coming up to any family member that I was trying to talk to and getting in between us to try to prevent it (she is an utter peach that way).   I just don't need that kind of drama and selfishness around me.   Not even because it's the holiday, it's because life is too short for me to have to deal with that.  

If family does not make other times available to see me when we are not even a mile away from each other, then clearly they have no interest in me.   As such, they are hardly family in any sense of the word besides biology.  That does not mean I hold hard feelings towards them, I don't.   But why would I be putting myself out there in an uncomfortable situation with people that I barely saw once a year previously?  To me, that is not family.

There is one to three relatives that tried to have any sort of forward/future relationship with me in any active way:)

This Site Gets More Traffic Than My Bus. Site

It's so totally wierd that this site, which has been minimally active, still gets as much attention as it does. Look wise anyway. I can only hope that I am providing some people with answers (sort of) or affirmation that others have gone through this. Or are going through this.

Sort of sad to realize that so many people are searching for answers to this problem. Sometimes this problem can not be resolved because of who people are and will continue to be despite wishes otherwise. Eventually acceptance in this situation should and can be reached, and life can continue on in a pleasant manner:)---regardless of what the solution is determined to be.

Anyway, I am doing well. I've had a few death tragedies lately. I guess it's a real sign that you are getting older when you can not get out of a year without one or more people/things that you love become deceased. Those are the thoughts that preoccupy me now. It seems just as one grieving process nears as acceptable level of pain, another one is starting right around the corner.

Always seems to happen in December or months surrounding as well. Not very holiday orientated lately, and in fact have decided the holidays that I will celebrate will be in October and February instead (Valentines and Halloween).

I really hate death of my loved ones. Very sad thoughts lately.

Elsie Snickers Rest in Peace 10/1/2009

Elsie Snickers was my grandmother on my maternal side. She died recently at a care facility. I am sorry that she did not enjoy her life, as everyone has a right to. She had an illness somewhere in her that (this is what I would like to think) prevented her from allowing those that had grown up loving her to be close.

I am not referring to myself in the above statement. I feel much empathy with her, having been trapped within the biology that she was born with (again this is what I would like to have think happened). She never really had a significant other to really share her life happily with.

I wish life could have dealt my grandmother a kinder blow. Please rest in peace, Elsie, and find happiness somewhere. I feel her death has released her from a very unhappy and unhealthy existence.

I don't write here much anymore on family issues. I felt that I needed to leave my memorial to my grandmother. Here are some memories of her:

• She actually recorded me young singing, and listened to it in her adulthood. If you had ever heard me sing, you would be amazed that anyone would seek to listen to that.
• I remember her little kitchen in the home she had when I was younger. Sitting at the table and talking with her.
• I remember the Barbie airplane play kit that she bought me. I played with it all the time.
• She had a box of my mother's old toys that I loved playing with at her house.
• Christmas's visiting with her at her brother's family's house.

COUNTDOWN DAYS 45 DAYS

Step one: left every one of the sites for family estrangement, controlling parents, and narcistic parents.

I really like healingfromfamilyrifts Yahoo group, but I think it's time to move on. I didn't say goodbye, because I think it's cheesey and who knows I might be back:) I think I can handle these situations on my own now, and make plans to avoid them (her) in the future.

Okay all Imaginny's "friends" reading, now go run to her like good little gremlins LOL. Oops, I see you.

TIP TO THE ESTRANGED SON/DAUGHTER OR SON DAUGHTER WHO REALLY SHOULD BE ESTRANGED: This is what sends people like this (controlling) over the edge. The lack of control over you, and the complete lack of care by you of what they think about you. The fact that you can and will speak up for yourself will drive irrational people insane, sadly. However, that's neither your fault or your problem.

It takes several years of mistreatment to this to occur for you, but you can hope and pray that someday you just don't care anymore.

Karma Has a Way of Following You to Your Grave

Karma will follow my mother to her grave. She will cuddle up with her lies and manipulations, and go to the afterlife deluding herself that she has been right.

I hope she doesn't go on this journey alone, but I fear that will be her fate. On the other hand, it's not like it hasn't been by her choice alone.

At some point she will either own it, or there just is darkness out there in the universe (in that there is no afterlife).

At any point, I am sorry that she will make that journey without me, on the other hand, I accept that I can't accept her manipulations and lies as "love". She knows what she has done, even if people can't see behind the curtain of victim hood that she pulls over herself, and wraps herself in it's warm fuzzy softness, ignoring that it's really porcupine quills sticking into her. The present of love that she gives so nicely wrapped, is filled with cow manure instead of a glowing softness.

If others want to accept that into their lives, I guess I can just be glad that this person who is somehow related to me will not go to her grave entirely alone-perhaps.

On May31st, I will bury the thought of my mother ever reaching out in a way that I recognize as lacking in manipulation, deceit, and outright lies. This site will be deleted, and I will quit searching for the woman that might have existed once, and accept that she never did.

FORMAL DOUBLE CEREMONY TO FOLLOW TO BURY A PAST AND PRESENT THAT I AM MOVING ON FROM. I HAVE FORGIVEN MY MOTHER BY ACCEPTING, FINALLY, THIS PART OF HER THAT WON'T BE CHANGED OR CAN'T BE CHANGED. I FORGIVE MYSELF, BECAUSE I COULDN'T CHANGE IT OR ACCEPT HER VERSION OF "LOVE". WITH THAT FORGIVENESS WILL COME THE MOVING ON, DELETING THIS SITE, AND NOT SEARCHING FOR "HER" ANYMORE. INSTEAD I WILL GRIEVE, YET AGAIN, FOR WHAT CAN NOT BE, AND COME TO ACCEPTANCE OF THAT DURING THIS TIME OF MOURNING.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SEARCHING FOR MY FATHER, I NOT ONLY KNOW WHO HE IS BUT HE DID HIS DAMAGE A LONG TIME AGO AND HE HAS TAKEN ON SOME OF THE RESPONSIBILITY, WHILE ALSO CALLING OUT THE FLUNKED OUT OF TWO COLLEGES CARD WHICH I HAD REPEATEDLY APOLOGIZED FOR (AND FINANCIALLY PAID FOR IN ADDITION TO THE COLLEGE THAT I GOT A RATHER STELLAR GRADE POINT AVERAGE FROM WHEN I GRADUATED). I DON'T BLAME HIM, HE IS WHO HE IS. HIS WIFE IS WHO SHE IS. AND HE AND MY MOTHER WERE A PRETTY WELL MATCHED PAIR EVEN IF IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. HIS NEW WIFE IS WELL MATCHED TO HIM AS WELL, AND I HOPE SHE AND HIS SIBLINGS OUT LIVE HIM SO HE WON'T BE ALONE AT THE END. I WON'T BE THERE, THIS PART OF MY LIFE IS COMING TO A LOOONNNNGGG AWAITED END.

JUST A BIT OF FORMALITY IS NEEDED. I HAVE ACTUALLY FOUND THAT EXERCISES FOR RELEASING ANGER AND GRIEF HAVE HELPED ME VERY MUCH GET OVER ALL THIS. NOW IT'S TIME FOR MY MOTHER'S ACTIONS TO STOP SURPRISING ME ALREADY, AND TO KNOW THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED WHO MY FATHER IS, AND THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT WORK. REALLY NEVER WORKED.

Talking To The Poop, Something Occurs to Me

I hate hate calling on the phone. This is probably largely due to one of my first favorite jobs, which I loved, but I was customer service and so all I wanted to do at the end of the day was NOT answer the phone LOL. It was just so busy, and you are being so calm and nice all day long. Something needs to fall out later on. So I grew to hate the phone.

My father in law, aka the Poop (affectionate term his kids have called him for forever), is not only not computer literate, but any kind of electronic gadget literate. Except the phone, of course. So I have to screw myself up to actually call and have a conversation. He's wicked easy to talk to and a very nice and loving guy. He can talk about my dogs and dogs I see all day long. He LOVES dogs. He also likes to talk business.

So yesterday, he is asking all the business questions, and I am holding myself back from being annoyed for some reason. I know these discussions (no matter who) have always annoyed me. I also know it's because on some level, instead of interpretting it correctly as expressing interest in what I do, I am bracing myself for judgement.

It occurred to me, after I got off the phone, that the reason for this was that my parents always talked to me in judgement, and just about never in interest. So I brace myself still, even when talking with people I trust and know are interested and love me, for the judgement. I wish I had realized this YEARS ago when I used to get so annoyed with my mother in law for bringing up my job or business. She didn't understand then, I am sure. She did always love and accept me, however, and I miss her very much. As does the Poop and her children and grandchildren.

My Grandmother

Tomorrow is the day that my grandmother died about three or four years ago now. So we are estranged by death now, I guess. Although there have been moments where I have thought she was about.

Right after she died, I drove to her house to sit on the stump that used to be "my" boison berry tree. As I was driving down her street, I swore that I smelled her rose perfume in the car with me. She was suffering, and the afternoon before I had visited her. She was unconscious and had pneumonia. I held her hand, and told her if she needed to go that we would all be okay. That I loved her and I would miss her, but I didn't want her to suffer. The next morning I was called and told that she had died.

In the last weeks when she was conscious, she did not recognize who I was. Sometimes she thought I was just a nice nurse that had come in to put extra blankets on her or call for some help. This didn't upset me, as I knew she had loved me in her life, and this was in no way caused by her. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's, which was the reason that she was moved to the nursing home from her home. Stoves suddenly become potential instruments of tragedy in these cases, especially with someone who used to be such a good cook, and could no longer remember that she shouldn't use the gas stove anymore:(

Grandma saw ALL but one of her brothers die before her. Their were eight brothers and sisters in her family, I think. Plus ones that may have died as infants or in childbirth. Grandma was the oldest, so this was like seeing her kids die before her in many ways, and also best friends.

Her sister in law, Aunt Sophie (I used to call her aunt soapy) died shortly after her robe caught on fire from her gas stove. She lived behind my grandmother, and I used to play in her yard with my second cousins. She was a very nice and loving family.

Watching my poor grandma grow old and then die, I realized how much sorrow comes with that. Grandma outlived her husband, and most of her peers (siblings and friends). It seems unfair somehow. I also know she did enjoy as much of life as she could right up to the end. She was always involved in activities and field trips. However, if she heard we were visiting, she would drop whatever it was she was doing.

I remember and love you Grandma.

Tuesday Ten In Memory of My Grampa

Probably 10 years or so ago, my grandfather died on this day. He meant a lot to me, and here are ten things that I remember about him:

1. He loved national geographic, and we used to watch it together.






2. He kept Captain Crunch cereal under the sink for me as a special treat, and if in season, it came with big fat blueberries on the bottom as a surprise,






3. He used to have to read with a magnifying glass (by the way, I thinkI am headed in that direction).






4. We also watched Lawrence Welk together.






5. In the evenings, we enjoyed a bowl of jello made with canned fruit in it, and cool whip on the top (of course).






6. LOL, he had a CB attena that got higher all the time, and he "created" it himself.






7. He also "created" the clothes drying rack in the backyard for my grandmother out of our old swingset.






8. I spent too many weekends to count with them as a child. They looked forward to those.






9. He used to take out his teeth to horrify us as children. (us=me and my cousins).






10. He used to take me shopping with him at Spags.

Monday Me Me-Four Things That Are Precious to Me

Okay, here is a me me of three things that are precious to me:

• Plastic horse that my grandfather gave me when I was four or so.


• My grandmother's good pearls that were left to me


• My Mother-In-Laws pin that was left to me, which she designed with help from a locket and hat pins.


• My husband's grandmother's diamond that was put in a new setting for me on our 20th anniversary (being together) and 15 years married.

Post to Healing from Family Rifts Board on Avoidance and Dog World

I really appreciated a couple of posts here, especially as it related to a recent experience not DIRECTLY related to family estrangement but touching on some skills and realizations I came to regarding myself and my reactions to things.

My dad is incredibly passive aggressive and controling, so Idid "avoid" that most of my life after being beaten down (not physically but emotionally and verbally) over and over again for expressing my beliefs, feelings or emotions. This has leaked over into other aspects of my life.

I am a dog trainer, and people like Lisa, I also consider part ofthe dog world. The dog world is made up of very big hearted people with equally big opinions and prickly (understatement here)personalitities. The dog training and dog world is becoming more and more my family, AND it's a family in which you don't want to isolate someone important in spite of their "prickly" nature sometimes. Some of these people spend so much time with dogs, tha tthey may not have the appropriate human responses at times.

At this dog event I was at, I may have misinterpretted another's genuine like for seeing me and making a honest mitake in bringing up a painful subject for malice. I don't know this for sure, but was talking to a mutual dog person, and it made me see that I may have misinterpretted her actions, repressed it, and then come down hard after I came home from the seminar. In the past, I would have neither talked openly to this person nor to my friend/teacher/ and mentor about it. I would have simply avoided it and have it fester.

At the seminar, I don't honestly think I could have addressed it in front of the class to this person without completely blowing up right there. Her response back, if it is as represented by my friend and mentor, may have softened my response, but anything else other than an apology for bringing this up at the seminar would have set me off. See, we both volunteered training at the same shelter awhile ago. We both fell in love with the same dog, Jordan. I had a dog that was going to pass away from heart disease within immediately to a year. He had a good quality of life until his very last day, so euthanizing him for me, was not an option nor was bringing in a new stressor into his environment, though I would have killed to have Jordan be my dog eventually. I couldn't in all conscious ask them to "hold" Jordan there for me either.

Well, I had to leave volunteering eventually to be closer to home for my dog, and I was growing my business so I got very very busy.And, an incident, which I won't go into, happened at DRU to cause this person to leave. I had never enjoyed working with her or thought she was a particularly good person around dogs, and she seemed very jealous of me and my success with dogs. So I was friendly when I saw her at dog events, but only enough so I would't look like a complete witch in front of other people. In other words, I didn't encourage a friendship, but never really told her why. I always felt she was gunning for me, and I did in fact find out about something that she wrote about me on a public dog training board,which sounded both like she was missing me and dissing me at the same time.

See she didn't realize I was out there training in public already when I was talking to people, as I did not share that info with her, and she felt I was talking to others without the experience of handling dogs/clients one on one. I felt and still feel that out of jealousy she was trying to hurt me. So in the first few minutes of the seminar, she made a bee line for me, and announced Jordan was put to sleep, that noone thought to call me, and despite my telling her that I did not want to discuss this at this time (this was an important 9 hour a day, three day seminar to get through, and I had to force not dwelling on this at the time, though I felt like she just balled up her fist and slammed me in the gut). The next day, she AGAIN brought Jordan up, and how he wasn't the right dog for me. Again, I just immediately and obviously changed the subject, turned away from her, and just cut her right there.You might imagine, I was repressing and getting angrier and angrierat the time.

After the seminar, I got home and found some pictures of Jordan and the flood gates opened. Saturday night and all Sunday, I sobbed and sobbed for my good friend, though two years had passed since he passed. To me, thinking that he had found his home and been happy,it was like it happened that day, and that I had left him at the shelter just recently. It was horrible.

However, I did confront the situation rather at that time with theperson involved. I have not heard from her, and my intial comments were rather harsh, and MAYBE undeserved. I could not get her on the phone, but did let her know through e-mail, both before how dissappointed that I was in her to assault me so, and then after that I apologized IF I misinterpretted her actions. I am not so niave to give her the full benefit of the doubt. However, if I was wrong, doubtless we will hug and cry together and go on as a strong force in the dog training world.

See, in this world, it is so important to stick together because of the deterioration, thanks to the Animal Rights (as opposed to welfare) movement in the industry. if we don't stick and work together, we will be gone, and we all have something to offer. If I am right,there will be no hugging and crying , but at least I both let her know my feelings, and opened up the door to reconcile and not be afraid of me when we next meet.

Without dealing with my own family estrangement, I don't know that Iwould have had the strength to say that, nevermind to say out loud in the seminar "I do not wish to discuss this with you at this point". I have learned that while we need to act like adults,holding in your true feelings and not dealing with the issues does nothing to improve your relationships.Sorry for the long and boring post , but I wanted to share this reak thru moment for me as well.

RIP Jordan/Sorry For The Halt In Regularly Scheduled Programing

Soon after my last post, the first of some dog trainer guests came over. I have been attending a dog training school run by Margot Woods. It got a bit busy once visitors came and the school got started, needless to say.

Best money that I have ever spent in my life. It is hard to describe what could possibly go on in a dog training seminar that would make that much of an impact to non-professional dog training people or your average pet owner. Really the difference one can make in their dog quickly is stunning.

I don't mean in a day, and more importantly I don't mean with sloppy training. No one around this area (and Margot has come from Far Away) dispenses this kind of information, education, demonstration, and results. The art of dog training has long been diminished into something else, and also it has not been given it's due respect. I don't know how to adequately communicate (yet) the lack and why that is a scary thing for EVERY dog owner, lover, and dog industry professional. Needless to say, if you enjoy owning dogs, the state of our future looks bleak if the trend continues as it does in league with the animal rights movement.

Now I am wondering if this and what is about to follow should more appropriately go on my business blog. However, those in the industry and clients go to the business blog, as well as attendees of this seminar, of which one, I am not about to speak nicely about.

The very first day of the first morning of the seminar, this individual (who is far removed from a dog trainer) announced to me that a Doberman I worked with at a shelter in the area had passed. I believe I know when he passed, and people at the shelter and this person would have known Neptune had passed on, who was the only reason I had not adopted one of the few favorites I had there. Everyone there knew that Jordan was a favorite, and I had left messages with several that if anything ever happened where Jordan came back, that I would want to be contacted immediately as a possible home for him.

By the way, he went to a home that concerned me in the first place. I had actually left volunteering at this shelter when he was placed. Additionally, I used to joke (thinking they wouldn't give him to this home) that I would as soon kidnap Jordan from there than allow him to be placed before I left. Well, he went to that home that did not have a strong training background.

Jordan was a dog that was reactive and difficult, but with the right relationship and handling was a doll and DRIVEN. I can't even imagine what a dynamo this dog would have been in a training home. A picture of his eyes looking straight into mine, as one of his ears was rakishly bent over one eye like a cowlick just came to mind and AGAIN brought tears to my eyes. He was such a great dog.

This person that announced this to me, had been jealous of the fact that I started a business and that I liked and worked with Jordan so much. This person has not been able to train anyone of their three dogs, much less get them to be able to live in the same room in her house EVER. Somehow despite this lack of any kind of talent or ability whatsoever, she managed to befriend the training director at the shelter, and had actual input into training program and her thoughts on the dogs and their abilities.

We had butted heads after she published her angst against me, as she did not initially know (as I had told her, only the training director) that I was working in the public already, training. She posted publically on a board about me, and did say something cryptic about Jordan at that time. No one gave me a heads up on the actual situation, and I had only thought she was disparing of Jordan getting adopted at all. Now this shelter keeps these dogs until they find the "right home" (obviously this doesn't always work out so well) unless there was something very drastically wrong medically or tempermentally. So I was only worried because Marylin was giving input, and I thought putting feelers out about adopting Jordan herself. Anyway, there was no love lost between me and this person, but I felt the shelter and the training director would be looking out for Jordan to the best of their ability, and then Jordan became adopted.

Neptune died, and I saw this person again at a seminar. Over dinner, this announced another dog, Moondancer, had died due to kidney failure. I let her know that in the future, if one of these dogs that I worked with was "gone", and there was nothing that I could do, I would rather not know about it. The training director at the shelter was close to quitting by this point, and soon this SHEEP would follow in suit, as this person's only strength was creating even a bigger rift at the shelter that she was at between the training director and the director of the shelter. This person is a manipulative, destructive, groupie, trainer wanna be, of the worst sort. Their manic jealousy and ------pure evil------ is just a part and parcel of their personality.

Anyway, this person knew what was going to happen to Jordan during the seminar and shortly thereafter, where I was, and how to contact me. At this point, there was no contact.

Fast forward a few years later, this weekend at the seminar, now this person feels it necessary (and by the way this has seen me out there training since, as she seems to have nothing better to do than cling onto actual professional trainers) to tell me of Jordan's death. Almost with relish, and without any preamble on my part to encourage discussion. I make it clear to this person, I would rather not know nor discuss it with them. Of course it was with me for the rest of the day. I was too slow to school my features so she would not know what this person had done to me, though I managed not to cry (or punch this person in the Fing face).

Then, the very next day, this person is again in front of me, and starts telling me that Jordan would not have been for me. This pissant who can not even Fing train their own dogs, suddenly knows who is good for me. This person compliments me on my Jackie, who is awesome, and disses my Leon, who this person has seen on exactly two occaisions. That Jackie is better for me than Leon, who has an injury and has not been in training. This person can not even recognize the reason that Jackie looks like he does, is that he has been in training, and he was a total nut job before and aggressive to other dogs for crying out loud. I love Jackie too, my point is that this ...... piece of shit can not even recognize what dog training does, and what would have happened with Jordan. The potential for these dogs, as far as this non entity is concerned is only in what can be seen in a moment in time that passes and is changed.

And for this, I wasn't contacted, and Jordan was put to sleep in the home that was selected for him. He may have had a far different life, but this egotistical nobody had influence that decided his fate, and her jealousy and inability to see her own limitations, in the end, cost him his life.

Jordan, I am sorry that I did not walk up to your kennel my last day, and stuff you in my truck. Truly I am. If I had known or suspected that my pleas to be contacted would not be taken seriously, I would have done it for sure. I promise you that. Jordan, you taught me so much, and there is less joy in the world now that I know you have passed. This person let me know when I could do nothing about it, and kept it from me when I may have been able to make a difference. Please forgive me for that failing. I love you Jordan. This person was neither of our friends, and didn't give a shit about you. I am not have nice thoughts about them right now.

Disturbing Dream

First of all, I am awake at 2:00 AM due to a thunder storm, and two dogs who hate thunder storms. One who can't hear it any more as she is 14, but knows very well what those flashing lights are and is now burrowed deep in my closet somewhere.

The other youngster, who has learned by watching her to be very afraid of the boom booms. Got them to both quiet down in a reasonable time frame, but now I am wide awake AND HUNGRY.

I digress. Anyway, I was having a very disturbing dream which was even more so waking up to thunder booms. We were in my grandmothers house (since sold and family occupied by the way). She was dead and gone, and it was completely empty except for some (imaginary as she never owned these things) last pieces of furniture that were either up for dispute or not wanted.

Have no idea why me or the husband were there in the house. The house felt different though. Dead is the word that came to mind when I woke up. The house felt cold and dead. Haunted not by my warm grandparents but by something else. Very creepy feeling although nothing officially happened in the dream. It was more about feeling creeped out.

Husband is Missing His Mom

It's been tough for husband to watch the news with all the Mother's Day specials. Mrs. Grace died around Christmas or New Years of 2005:( Unfortunately it had come after a long struggle to overcome cancer. Fortunately, due to that, there had been many frank and heart felt conversations with her children and other loved ones. There was nothing left unsaid.

Tomorrow on my other alter blog, I have my thoughts expressed on Mrs Grace, and my Happy Moms day to her although she is no longer here on this earth. We all miss her. She was my husbands other best friend and mom. I was going to say more there, but it's already on my tribute for tomorrow, and you will just have to go see!!

The Importance of Being Remembered

As you get older, you get more acquainted with the death of loved ones or even just acquaintances. One of course hurts more, but I find I get sad for people I hardly even know. Steve Irwin's death, who I don't know, I found very tragic. John Candy, I looooovvvved his movies, and it was pretty depressing when he died. I don't even know these people, and I feel sad for their family, their friends, for their lives that seem unfinished.



Then of course there are the people I know who have died. It's funny though, before they died they weren't so concerned with how they were remembered, as the living people I know are. Living people seem to be concerned with what they have before they die, what their reputation is, how many people they've let know of their good deeds, et et. I remember being at the funeral of a wealthy and successful business man. His immediate family listed all his good deeds. They and I were the only ones there. Basically, if you weren't in his will, you weren't there (well except for me, I was there to support my step, as any evil step daughter plotting the demise of ones marriage would be LOL).

Not that that would bother me before I went (if I didn't have high attendance). No doubt he was old enough that his friends may have passed on or been unable to attend. There were certain other family members not in attendance. It made me think, in the end what is being remembered? Why should that be one's life goal? I mean your gone later.

Einstein is remembered. But is HE really remembered? (I mean who he really was, he wasn't just an inventor. Our occupation isn't always the sum total of our identity.) Perhaps certain personal stories have been passed down through his family. People go so far as to have children for the primary reason of being remembered and for passing on their "legacy". I have been told that I am selfish for not having children for that reason. I mean not lately. I could have children, but that ship has largely sailed for me. Plus, I never wanted to inadvertently hurt a child the way I had been hurt. Realistically, I would have probably done alright. Also, these people who think it would be great for you to have children, I don't know that they realize kids can die before you, they could not talk to you, or they could be very sick and die young. Morbid I know, but not having a real hunger to have children, those all seemed such risks to take. I never felt I was being selfish by not subjecting children to those risks for my "remembrance" in later years. Or at my funeral, when I am old and grey (I do have excellent genes for longevity).

As far as being known for things, it strikes me again and again that is not something worth clinging to later on. I mean, yeah I don't want to be in some lonely room somewhere. My grandmother, however, was not put in the most modern nursing home. I have to say, she seemed pretty happy. It was clean, there were people with her most of the time, and activities were provided that she enjoyed participating in. She actually had a "gang" of women that she hung out with around the elevator (that is if you could find her, and she wasn't on a trip). I don't know that the richer gentleman that I am talking about was any happier than her. All sorts of relatives and friends (even ones her age) found a way to be there with her. She could have had more, but having grown up in the depression she was rather frugal. Unfortunately, she did used to tell my dad all the time that he was had to take care of her in old age. I am sure she never knew how much that hurt him. If she had, she would have apologized. She said a whole lot of ill advised things to her kids and grand kids. As far as I know, I was the only one who ever confronted her (right before my wedding). She apologized right away, and said she loved me. Just like that, no further discussion necessary.

My grandmother really loved us all, and no she wasn't perfect. She didn't talk to her youngest (of nine) sister for many years until she found out she was dying. All over their mother's (my great grandmother's) estate. Not only are things not anything to fight over, but we are talking about people who could not afford much that was nice. Maybe that was the problem, or there was some kind of sentiment involved. Any way, I am pretty sure my great grandmother would have been horrified to know what happened. I never talked to her about it, I just "heard" about it.

I remember there was one story my grandmother used to say about her mother-in-law. She wasn't proud of her in this instance, quite the opposite. I never knew this great grandmother, but this story makes me proud of her. During the depression my family bought land or tenements. Well maybe they bought them before the depression hit. Anyway, these were either lived in by family members or rented out during the depression. Rather than evict anyone who couldn't pay, my Great Grandmother just let them live there. Eventually they lost certain properties because my Great Grandmother wouldn't kick them out. My Grandmother thought this was awful because they would have eventually been rich with the money later on when they sold the places. I thought it was a great story, because my Great Grandmother put people before material items, even though they were not her family.

Any way, it's still the small things that my grandmother did as well as her flaws that I remember her for. Her flaws make me giggle and appreciate her more, and how much she truly did love us. For instance, she used criticism constantly to say "I love you". I think it was because she wanted to get discussion rolling, and didn't know what to say. She also didn't know how to say "I am concerned for your health" instead on greeting certain members of the family the first thing out of her mouth would be "you aren't loosing weight" followed quickly by "you never call or visit me". How this used to annoy me (I was always the skinny one so I didn't get the first message) until I figured out the code. "I love you and I miss you." There was always the guilt trip starting as far back as I knew her "Well....I don't know if I will be around next year". She lived until 91, and had been saying that phrase from her sixties on. It's funny now, and especially because I know she didn't say it with any malice.

These attributes really twisted themselves more to the negative in her three children though. They are all weird, controlling, possessive, about money. I will never forget Christmas morning (with Grandma there mind you) them tagging and arguing (they pretended playfully) over the spoils when she died. One of them would rather give grandpa's tools to Goodwill rather than have his grandsons have them. I never did figure that out. They went so far as to chase people away from dining room chairs that people helping them would sit at for a rest after the estate was closing because that is where "they always sat".

Grandma may have been frugal, and she might have been a bit funny about money. However, if you said, you have the choice to make your loved one happy for the rest of their life or money, she would have picked the first. I know she would have. Her kids though, I think they would take money, success, fame first no matter who got hurt.

Then in me, it seems to have morphed into the opposite. There were plenty of times I could have taken easy street and profited well. I let my ethics and morals stand in the way most times. I'm not necessarily proud of that. Sometimes I think I could have made it easier on my family, and my family certainly would have thought it was something to be proud of (the result that is). Course, besides my husband, I think you might get the picture (and my departed grandmother and grandfather and my husband's side), I don't really hold much value in what certain blood relatives value and especially what they might value in me.

I don't care that I am not remembered frankly. In fact, I don't want to be rotting in some graveyard with some silly stone above my grave when I go. I just want to know what I have done, even if they are small accomplishments. Like the fact that a girl Springer Spaniel is now living happily with her family, when there was every concern that her misbehavior was going to end in euthanasia. That dog will be dead long before me. Her owners probably will to. While that won't be remembered by anyone but us, I think it's worthwhile. It's not saving the world, splitting the atom, becoming a millionaire or billionaire (not that I wouldn't adore a winning power ball ticket), but it makes me happy. If people don't remember that, so what? If I don't have kids to give some speech at my funeral, so what? Why do people concern themselves with these things?

What brought this up? Well, I think the other day we were saying "Mrs. Grace" isn't with us. But yes she is, and not just because we remember. There are people dead or close to death that she helped. She was a patient advocate for people who were sick. She made dealing with their doctor much easier on them by taking some of that initiative when they weren't feeling well. She used to read what I consider "boring medical" books, but I didn't realize until the other day that she probably used some of this information in her work. She had done this long before she herself got sick. Some day all those people, and the people's families that she helped are going to be dead. Does that make it less valuable? I don't think so, in fact it makes it more valuable. She never crowed about her accomplishments. She just quietly did it.

Also, even though they are going to be long gone someday, she truly loved having children. She just loved them. There was no ulterior motive to her having children, which is quite surprising considering her arranged marriage to a man that was not a nice man at all. In small ways, Mrs Grace goes on, although it may never be "her" per say that is remembered. Her good deeds have improved some one's life even if it was the short term. I would rather "not" be remembered for something like that, than be remembered for all the stuff or accolades that I did have.

Then their are the parents who want their kids to be their beacon not by being good people, but by their accomplishments. Marrying "well" (ie wealthy), picking the right carreer (ie something they can brag about materially or will allow them to travel on kids coattails), having grandkids for them. You should have seen the look my step monster gave me when I broke the news that I just was not having kids to my father. I felt like I had just said "I am having the devil's spawn".

And I thought I couldn't think of anything depressing to write today. Hah!! I have woken up in a good mood this morning, and don't know where I pulled this out of.

Unveiling

Yesterday was my mother-in-laws unveiling. I don't like this Jewish custom. Not that there are any organized religious customs that I do like . After all, I want to be cremated, my remains mixed in with my cremated pets (hubby is not going to be cremated) and spread with only my closest in attendance. You wouldn't really call me a traditionalist. Although I do like traditions, when they make sense to me and are more sentimental rather than "just because we have always done it that way".

To me, this just reopens the wound fresh again. We all think about Mrs Grace probably every day. We all love her. I don't know what good it does to make everyone grieve all over again a year later. There are too many people that I know now in that cemetary too. My step brother who died at age 18 is just a few rows over, as his his grandfather. Our friend and friend's mother is at the front of the cemetary. Her grave marker is lovely with a poem her kids wrote for an award she won when she was alive. She was the first person I knew to be dying of cancer, and who tried to talk to me about it. It was a very tough lesson in life, and it seems I and the people I love are doomed to relive it as we get older.

It's nice in a way to visit the graves, but I by no means think "they" are there. I mean, if you were dead and could hang out anywhere, would you be hanging out in a cemetary waiting for you relatives to come by. You might not even be checking in on your loved ones, but partying it up in some wonderful afterlife. Or having been reencarnated.

I think my dead relatives and pets check in, but I think it's a comforting thought to me. Perhaps not what really happens, especially in the long term, realistically. I don't think there is nothing. I feel there is a part of all of us that is going to go on forever somehow. I don't feel like I am just a collection of my cells, organs, and hormones. Maybe that is just wishful thinking.

Anyway, my husband and I grieve way differently. He has been talking to a radio personality who claims to be able to talk to angels. I think he knows these people are con artists, but it brings him comfort somehow just for the illusion of talking to his mother again. He is going to see John Edwards in July with some family members. The thing is though, my husband well knows if someone was talking to his mother, there is something he asked her to say. The radio personality did not say it.

Any who. This is all so morbid. It's a shitty part of life that we all have to deal with. When you are younger, it seems like it's never going to happen. Your parents are never going to get old, they are never going to die, never mind you!!! There is no way I am going to write about this in my happy blog:( It's just to sad to even do any justice to it here.

I Almost Deleted My Mom's Poem and My Poetic Reply

You know, I woke up this morning and my first thought was "poor Mussy". He's our cat who died yesterday. Then I thought all the guilt things you think, even though your cat basically died of old age at the age of 19, as did our other two pets die of heart disease or old age. Still you love these guys, you want the best for them, but you can never give them the best. Or at least, immortality, and health 100% of the time.

Then my second thought was "Fuck", I stooped to 1) going onto my mother's website (after searching cyber space for any suspicious postings) 2) posting the actual poem on my blog and finally 3) replying back in bad poetry (not that I can write good poetry ).

When I logged on though, I had a very thoughtful and nice comment from someone. It was nice to connect with someone who may also understand my situation. Not everyone does you know, and some people can be downright nasty. Noone has done that to me on here, but I go and look on other people's blogs, and I can't believe the lack of empathy from other posters. It often makes me wonder what issues those people have that they can't be kind even if they do not agree.

Not only does it help me to write, but I have quite a bit of fun picking out my pictures for the cast of characters. The evil girl fairy is how I think my immediate trinity thinks of me. You know, since I have been plotting to destroy their marriage for 18 years (that's sarcasm on my part, but something that was actually said to me by my step-monster). Here are the other cast of characters.

My dad is racist and sexist. I haven't been able to fully decide between posting pictures like these or cavemen pictures. Each seem applicable, although my dad looks nothing like this.

The step monster. You will also see evil step mother pictures or witch pictures depicting her. This is also good because she is dressed nice, and even can present nice on the surface. But see how this ladie's eyes are kind of rolled up and her arms are about to go into a fit of rage. That is right below the surface of my step monster anytime. You would need to have lived with her to fully appreciate this. This is the curse of my step and dad, they can present so well on the surface and in public for a duration of time (couple of hours or so).

My mother is bizzaroe. She sees people as a list of labels, likes and dislikes that should correspond with her likes and dislikes. She also sees herself as the Beaver Cleaver of mothers. She did feed, cloth, and shelter me growing up. For that I am immensely grateful, but I draw the line at putting her name in for "Mother of The Year" or allowing her to emotionally abuse me due to her "sacrifice". You know, having me. Having to marry a guy to use him that she didn't love, and blah blah blah.