Monday, December 18, 2006


Yesterday was my mother-in-laws unveiling. I don't like this Jewish custom. Not that there are any organized religious customs that I do like . After all, I want to be cremated, my remains mixed in with my cremated pets (hubby is not going to be cremated) and spread with only my closest in attendance. You wouldn't really call me a traditionalist. Although I do like traditions, when they make sense to me and are more sentimental rather than "just because we have always done it that way".

To me, this just reopens the wound fresh again. We all think about Mrs Grace probably every day. We all love her. I don't know what good it does to make everyone grieve all over again a year later. There are too many people that I know now in that cemetary too. My step brother who died at age 18 is just a few rows over, as his his grandfather. Our friend and friend's mother is at the front of the cemetary. Her grave marker is lovely with a poem her kids wrote for an award she won when she was alive. She was the first person I knew to be dying of cancer, and who tried to talk to me about it. It was a very tough lesson in life, and it seems I and the people I love are doomed to relive it as we get older.

It's nice in a way to visit the graves, but I by no means think "they" are there. I mean, if you were dead and could hang out anywhere, would you be hanging out in a cemetary waiting for you relatives to come by. You might not even be checking in on your loved ones, but partying it up in some wonderful afterlife. Or having been reencarnated.
I think my dead relatives and pets check in, but I think it's a comforting thought to me. Perhaps not what really happens, especially in the long term, realistically. I don't think there is nothing. I feel there is a part of all of us that is going to go on forever somehow. I don't feel like I am just a collection of my cells, organs, and hormones. Maybe that is just wishful thinking.

Anyway, my husband and I grieve way differently. He has been talking to a radio personality who claims to be able to talk to angels. I think he knows these people are con artists, but it brings him comfort somehow just for the illusion of talking to his mother again. He is going to see John Edwards in July with some family members. The thing is though, my husband well knows if someone was talking to his mother, there is something he asked her to say. The radio personality did not say it.

Any who. This is all so morbid. It's a shitty part of life that we all have to deal with. When you are younger, it seems like it's never going to happen. Your parents are never going to get old, they are never going to die, never mind you!!! There is no way I am going to write about this in my happy blog:( It's just to sad to even do any justice to it here.


crse said...

Ive been slacking the past few days. Went to your mom's blog. Buddy, this is probably totally uncalled for but i want to slap her.

winterskibunny said...

LOL, wondering which you read because she's held back this year!!! You'd want to slap the step-monster more, but she doesn't have a blog of evidence.

I don't know what happened there. I have cyclomania possibly bipolar disorder. For me, it's been a completely controllable thing even without medication. I mean I do take medication for me, so I am not in a depressive funk all the time. People don't see me flying into uncontrollable rages and making unreasonable demands. It's better than having asthma or other dehabilitating diseases I could mention.

I think my mother was just born without a sense of empathy or caring for anyone else other than herself (I don't believe it's either of the diseases above that caused this). I sort of feel bad for her, yet am happy never to see her again. Her mother has something very similar and she had it worse, and it doesn't get better with age.

I've asked my husband to please shoot me if he sees that happening to me LOL. I can write that, cause I totally trust my husband.