Monday, December 04, 2006

Surprisingly Helpful to Write Things Out

Why is that? Why does it help to write out all the rage and anger for me?

I guess because when I was being the polite "oh how can I please you both" eager puppy daughter, I lost the opportunity to hurt these people, as they did to me, right to their face.

And of course, I am never going to have the opportunity to make BF feel unwanted in her own family, in her own home. And even if I had the chance, the cow would never be allowed in my home so I could fullfill it. I have no doubt she would physically hurt someone or something. The slap and verbal abuse from her when I moved in for a couple months when I was 19, was only the tip of the iceberg, I am sure.

The best thing I could do, even though I am much older now, is take my self out of the picture so she can redirect that hatefullness at others, and not me. It's safe out here in cyber space, and you don't have to worry about someone trying to physically hurt you or those you love. Or emotionally backlash against you.

Sometimes I wonder if the anger I feel for BF, someone who means almost nothing to me in my life and who I have realized is evil from the beginning, is me trying to diffuse the blame from my dad. My dad is not blameless at all. He use intimidation of a verbal, emotional, and physical nature all my life. Time and time again I didn't matter health wise or support wise (as in emotional support that a father is supposed to give their "loved" daughter). The best I could have hoped for was that he marry a nice woman who would have had an interest in me, then he might have shown an interest for the "lady" in his life. You know other than his usual controlling manipulative "what can I use her for" interest.

You know, it actually scared me when I learned that a refund check I received a few years ago was actually on a life insurance policy my dad took out on me during college!!! During the divorce, he had actually expressed to my mother that he fantasized about killing her. And he tried to get her to take out life insurance on herself with him as the beneficiary!! During this period!!

That's also about the time he apparently took out life insurance on me (without my knowledge).

How did I get on this tangent? Anyway, writing about these seems to stop the loop that has started in my head during the holidays. Right around now is when the estrangement began with my father (actually around Sep-Oct) last year. Rob's mom was very ill and dying. The year before, our beloved Neptune passed away.

I had never really faced things like the above before fully, head on. I thought if I ignored it, and reasonably did what my father wanted, I would never have to face what he is, I guess. An empty shell without any good intentions towards me. I am only here to make his life easier. If his wife enjoys being abusive to me, I should just suck it up. I should also expect that his wife has rights to sell real estate property that is mine. by the way, you should see what a shitty real estate agent she is. She should really re-think putting up the sales part of her business website. It's quite pitiful compared to most other successful real estate agents. For her to assume she would have any rights to the sale of our property was disgusting. And then dad was like "well she would have not charged you commission". First of all, yeah right. And second of all, even so, we didn't want to deal with her during that stressful time. I couldn't have been nicer when I explained this to her, and then she went after me for making an explanation that I shouldn't have even needed to make.

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