Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Fours for Mulderfan

Four Places I go:

1. Long Sands Beach
2. Short Sands Beach
3. Portsmouth NH
4. Kittery for the outlet stores to train the dogs around.  

Four Crushes I Have:

1. My Husband:)
2. Robert Lowe
3. My Third Grade Teacher, Mr Sullivan (this is more of a had, since I haven't seen him lately)
4. Daniel Craig

Four Smells that I Love:

1. Meatballs cooking
2. Brisket Cooking (okay anything my husband cooks, so I will stop it here)
3. Honey Suckle
4. Ocean breeze

Four Favorite TV Shows:

1. Hung (not sure if it's coming back though)
2. Dexter
3. Modern Family
4. Gossip Girl (my shameful secret)

Four Favorite Movies:

1. Dances with Wolves (I stop watching when they are all about to go, but before the soldier decides to go back---which does not happen BTW)
2. Jumpin Jack Flash
3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles
4. Overboard

Four Recommendations:

1.  Dean Koontz books.   He has quite the imagination.
2.  Do something new that you always wanted to do.   You won't regret it.
3.  Let the people you love know it with actions and words.
4.  Take care of yourself.   Your body is the only one you have.

Four People that I'd love to read their Fours:

1.  Suburban Black Sheep
2.   Diary of a Scapegoat
3.  One Angry Daughter

4.  Polly Want a Narcissist

Four Things about me that you don't know:

1.  I can burp at will.
2.  I love historical romances by Lisa Kleypas only (another shameful secret)
3.  I totally adore horror movies (though you can't tell by my top four movie list).   I have a hard time finding ones that I haven't seen (ie classic ones) OR any decent new ones.
4.  I refuse to be defined by a political party.  I vote for who I think will get the job done.

Four bands that I love:

1. The Who
2. Jethro Tull
3. Nickelback
4. Duran Duran

Monday, May 02, 2011

A Couple of Other Terms and Where I Am

Blame (for me)-I have a good life, so there is nothing to blame anyone for.   In any case, it has been my life based on my decisions, values, conscience and responsibility.  I neither blame my parents for my adult life, NOR give them credit for my adult life.  It's been earned, bought and paid for by me and no one else.

NOTE:   I have to say that I blame the male donor for infiltrating negative things to my grandparents about me.   It's like from an early age, perhaps he was envious that I had the relationship that he never accomplished with them.   Even with my aunts and uncles (not that these are great people by any means), he actively sought to distance them from me before I was even grown up or estrangement even reared it's head.

***Alright, now I am going to have to make a note to blog on imprinting on young and impressionable minds.   I remember having a lot of baggage about my grandmother, but then I think back to what my parents were saying about her to me.   I never showed it, but it was clear that grandma's place, according to my parents, was a horrible place to go.  Perhaps it was for them, but I realize now all those negative things began to slant how I perceived grandma and her place to be.    I feel robbed of what could have been a deeper relationship.   It wasn't until my wedding in 1991 when I got really upset with her, that we had a talk that truly changed our relationship for the better.   I wonder what would have happened if all that negativity about her hadn't been fed to me on such a constant basis and also the reverse----if the things my father said to her had not been used to influence her.   I am never going to know.   It feels like at least with my grandparents (my aunts and uncles seem about as capable of giving a shit as Spermy) something was diminished for me deliberately and with a plan of action.  I must admit, that I have trouble letting go of that, BUT it's been a newer thought of recent.   It came up (and this is the separate post that I needed to do) when discussing an event that inadvertently changed the way a friend feels about hugging or touching.   It just happened at that young age, and no one did anything wrong.   But in talking to her about how this phobia is probably traceable to that event, it brought up things in my life that were probably imprinted early on.

Blame (for the donors)-ER see the quote below that Spermy left on this blog:

"Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations, buy his daughter pets, paying for college tuition, until you flunked out for the third time, etc. Not the best dad I admit"  ***one might wonder where the Father of The Century Plaque and Trophy went, as I am quite sure that he never received it.

One, I guess he did not get the memo that children require care, and families require care which usually includes working.   Somehow I get the feeling that I am being blamed for his having to work, and then sucking up the money by being the "accidental" child.  BTW I have had multiple jobs without having a child.  Spermy was a teacher with the summers off, and this is when he did his "second job", which did NOT go on for most of his life. 

It would be like me complaining that he wasn't a doctor and I couldn't have the privileged life and stuff that I wanted.  So very glad he put that in writing.   He mentioned recently that he does not believe in face book to a relative.   Yeah, I wouldn't want shit like that out there about me either, especially if I was stupid enough to write it myself (while trying to convince my offspring to reconcile with me).   Or have the pretense of it anyway for appearance sake.

Some families, and I know this is crazy talk, enjoy going on family vacations together.  And he says this like we did this after I was aged five.   We did not.   I also didn't realize what really horrible company I must have been on a family vacation.   I only know that at age five, I was not asking them to rent a house for me on the Cape (eyes roll).

College, I flunked out twice, and paid for all of it.  I apologized (I am not sure why now) repeatedly for this offense that had nothing to do with him, as he did not full fill the divorce financial obligations, which is why I felt forced to go to college right away in the first place.   No one was interested on where I went, what I was doing and getting out of it.   I was just a pawn in divorce proceedings.   But once I did what I knew was right, which was to take a couple years off and work, it all fit into place, and I put myself through college again.   I graduated Magna Cum Laude by the way with a 3.5.

I am pretty sure that I am to blame for the state his marriage was in, for the miserableness of his life, and the reason why people may be questioning his "way" his own offspring.

My mother definitely blames me for our estrangement.   My taking out of context, lies, and the ability not to be able to read what she writes in black and white---all according to her my fault for the estrangement.   Not to mention that I was the one to make it a final thing.   How dare I?  Since it was infinitely discussed with me that I was "the accident" by her, I can only imagine how far that blame goes down the pike.  I have felt it my whole life, and not known what it was.   Weren't other families like this?

Sort of unrelated but I frequently tell my husband what movies my parents used to take me to when I was quite young.  They were not appropriate for someone of my age, especially the late night ones at the drive in theatres.   I thought it was cool for me back then.   But my husband asked "so they had no one to look after you, so your movie go outs were them just dragging you along to movies that they wanted to see?"   I mean it never even occurred to me that my parents, like parents I see now doing, weren't waiting for a Toy Story to bring me to OR bringing me along to see things that I was requesting.  I was just something to be brought along.   I know I am not explaining it right, it's not the movie part that bothers me.   It's the utter lack of interest that my donors had in their own offspring, and have continued to have....I am only useful to them as an extension of them somehow.

Envy (for me)-I do not envy my donors at all.   They are both possessed of things that are material.   I think they are more of a weight to them for the amount of admiration they seek from other people for their "stuff".  

Envy (from the relatives)I was once surprised that a relative said to me (about me moving to York Maine near the beach) "some of us are going to think *why you?*  Why does she get this and that?"  Such a nice thing to say NOT.  Then just last year, my Aunt said to me "we are all happy for the things that you have Robin".  I was surprised to find me, the black sheep, to be the target of envy.  Not nice envy either but begrudging envy.  

How dare I have made my way successfully to a good place without them?   I am supposed to fail, I am supposed to be human garbage, and for sure I am not allowed to live near the beach.  

Have I mentioned how materialistic and greedy my family is on that side?   They used to split up the grandparents stuff in front of them when they were alive.   Actually in front of all of us.   Nice, huh?   I only wish I had found my voice then so I could let them know how appalling they were acting.   We are talking about an old Italian couple who lived through the Depression and did not come out wealthy or anything remotely like that.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Some Terms and My Place in Them

Acceptance (for me)-I believe have a reached the place of acceptance in my relations with my donors.   They are who they are, and I don't need to search any further to figure out who they are.   I am unable to accept a relationship where I am abused, asked to scurry for them, and not have a viable two way relationship.   I would not be able to go beyond a superficial relationship with them anyway, as anything I share finds a way to be used against me.  I am good with letting go of the dream of having a healthy relationship with the people that made me.  It is a dream very long dead anyway.

Acceptance (via the donors)-No they have not accepted that I am an individual with unique views, opinions, and interests.   They have not acceptance that I won't live in repression and lies for their comfort.   As far as the donors are concerned, I have not reached a point where they can accept me IMHO.  

Validation (as it relates to me)-Once upon a time I longed to hear JUST that I was heard (that is after my longing for apology had passed).   It no longer maters to me (see acceptance ).  I have designed my plan of action and gone forward.

Validation (as it relates to my donors)-I am unable to excuse their actions.   I see the words written and said, and I can validate that.    However the actions are in direct conflict with the words.   I can't even believe that my donors feel any real pain of not seeing me, in fact I think it must be quite the reverse, because I will not speak lies and supplicants to them.  I have acknowledged that they fed, clothed, and provided me shelter.   I have also acknowledged that our rift has no connection to how I was brought up, other than there was never a bond there between me and the donors that I could cleave to.   In other words, I can not validate a reason for us remaining in a relationship together as things stand today and have stood for 23 and 14 years.

Apology-From the male donor, I have received the words that "I am sorry" followed immediately by the excuses.   Then followed even more immediately by his public blog post (on this blog) on his grudge that I did not graduate from the first college that I went to (which I had apologized to him a looonnnggg time ago about).  So the words mean nothing to me, it is still clear that male donor feels totally justified in encouraging his current wife to abuse me (physically, verbally, and emotionally).

In 2008 (11 years after the female donor and I estranged, and four years after her lie) the female donor typed the words sorry for lying about how I felt about my grandfather's and step brother's death.   This even coincidentally came after talking to someone she calls SIL that said I felt she was mentally ill, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive (controlling, narcissistic, and the list goes on).  Course she says now that she really felt that way, but NOW realizes it was a mistake.   And then, right after the sorry came "haven't you ever been wrong?"  I mean yeah I have, but not of stories I have made up to simply hurt a person.   I realize my donors are hurt by the truth, but that is not my problem.   It has been my actual experience of observations of something written in black and white.

So, no, I don't wait around for apologies.   I have given plenty of heartfelt apologies in my life that I did not need to make excuses for NOR need to nullify in the next sentence or discussion (or write "shit happens" as an excuse for harming someone).  I in turn, feel nothing to apologize for now.   I spent much time, years, effort, trying to save these (non) relationships.   My time is better spent in other avenues these days.   These things used to cripple me as a person, and now I am free to be me.

The reason that the male donor wants apologies accepted is simply for the sake of appearance for him and his monster.   It makes him look bad.  My female donor, it is not hard to tell, [did not give any apologies really anyway] wants to live in the illusion of her victim hood and martyrdom.  She certainly wants one so that she can rise again to the realm of the "fictional bestest mother", but she certainly does not want a real relationship with her offspring.   She never did, and that is never going to change.  She wants someone to worship at the alter of her, and if you can't do just that, the hell with you.   I am so over jumping through those hoops, and not being allowed to say "no" ever, and that goes for both of my donors.  Never mind that they can not reciprocate with love, understanding, or anything like that.   Those are the times where it is most all about them.

Forgiveness-Much of the way that I was, have been, and continue to be treated as an adult, I can not forgive.   I want to forgive, I try to forgive, but I do not feel it deep inside me.   I don't know the way there, but I hope I find it some day.   I don't like feeling angry and hurt even if it lessens every year.   My non forgiveness is a burden that has been with me for too long.   Sometimes grief does not officially end either though, and I wonder if that is what I am going through.  Or if there is a definition of forgiveness that I have met.  Like no longer needing an apology or validation from my donors.  Realizing they are what they are, and I had nor have any power to change them.   I think I am thinking of forgiveness as the ability to accept them and their actions.

Defintion of forgive from this site,

"To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.

To renounce anger or resentment against.

To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example). "

The first one, not ones in my adulthood, I have not.   I have been unable to get rid of anger and resentment fully (it lessens).   However to absolve from payment (ie you are no longer expected nor required to be in my life), that I have achieved.

Grief-I think with acceptance came the larger part of getting over the grief of letting go of a dream.   But grief is always there, I think just less of it and less frequent feelings of it.   I feel it more now for other people just beginning on the journey to dealing with unloving parents.   It's a large burden for a child or adult to carry with them, and I think you always feel that somehow you never measured up, especially if others have or seem to have.

Hate-I am ashamed to say that it is possible that I may hate one or more of these parties.   I wish I could say that it is simply that I hate what they did.   I don't even know that I hate them as I write this, so I will now look up the definition of hate to see if it shines some light on this.To feel hostility or animosity toward.

The below is from this site,

"To detest.

To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes. "

Weird that they used dishes as an object for hate.   I really thought this was a more powerful emotion than this, so yeah, I guess I hate all parties according to the above definition of "dislike or distaste"

And the definition of detest?

"To dislike intensely; abhor."

Well there you go.   That definition fits how I feel about all three parties if that is how "hate" is defined.

***My female donor has written about her intense disliking of me (though she also "adores and loves me" (er not).   And it would certainly not be a revelation or shock to ME that she hated me.  I would submit to my audience that my male donor hates all women and some races of people that include both sexes.  He needs them in his life, but he hates them all the same as far as I can see.   He has a sociopath's love for women as objects that may provide some use to him.   I believe his marriage is based on mutual hate now (and in the past) because one tries to tear down the relations of another (though I don't blame them for the other's actions).   And the other needs someone to be with, but also is no stranger to saying demeaning things about them at family gatherings, and showing anger in the most ridiculous situations.   It is a perfect marriage for the both of them I figure, BUT not one based on true love.   They would need to really know and experience what it is FIRST.  They are incapable of that.

Pity-I do have that and empathy for my donors.   They are living a life that for me would be torture to live.   They can not be authentic in public, they are miserable on a daily basis (maybe not female donor, but her posts do not give me the impression of great joy even on her other blogs), and they feel out of control and angry when they can not control everything.   To keep the relations that they still have, I have to assume that they still need to hide themselves from some of these people.   Two of these people are in deplorable physical condition, and one I heard had to use a walker recently.   Obviously, their physical condition is not my fault and was not so great before we estranged, and is their responsibility.   But it does point out to the fact that emotionally they are not doing so hot.   I don't think this is because of me, and in fact I can only imagine that I improved things in the marriage of a couple of parties.  I think it is because of the way that they are, and how they must relate to others.   I would be quite miserable to if I could not be myself, could not be honest, and had to live behind a mask.  Been there, and done that.  It is no way to go through life.   Of course taking their mask off does not mean unmasking a kind or gentle spirit, and therein lies their problem.  No one would want to be around them without the pretense, free food, and liquor.