Monday, May 02, 2011

A Couple of Other Terms and Where I Am

Blame (for me)-I have a good life, so there is nothing to blame anyone for.   In any case, it has been my life based on my decisions, values, conscience and responsibility.  I neither blame my parents for my adult life, NOR give them credit for my adult life.  It's been earned, bought and paid for by me and no one else.

NOTE:   I have to say that I blame the male donor for infiltrating negative things to my grandparents about me.   It's like from an early age, perhaps he was envious that I had the relationship that he never accomplished with them.   Even with my aunts and uncles (not that these are great people by any means), he actively sought to distance them from me before I was even grown up or estrangement even reared it's head.

***Alright, now I am going to have to make a note to blog on imprinting on young and impressionable minds.   I remember having a lot of baggage about my grandmother, but then I think back to what my parents were saying about her to me.   I never showed it, but it was clear that grandma's place, according to my parents, was a horrible place to go.  Perhaps it was for them, but I realize now all those negative things began to slant how I perceived grandma and her place to be.    I feel robbed of what could have been a deeper relationship.   It wasn't until my wedding in 1991 when I got really upset with her, that we had a talk that truly changed our relationship for the better.   I wonder what would have happened if all that negativity about her hadn't been fed to me on such a constant basis and also the reverse----if the things my father said to her had not been used to influence her.   I am never going to know.   It feels like at least with my grandparents (my aunts and uncles seem about as capable of giving a shit as Spermy) something was diminished for me deliberately and with a plan of action.  I must admit, that I have trouble letting go of that, BUT it's been a newer thought of recent.   It came up (and this is the separate post that I needed to do) when discussing an event that inadvertently changed the way a friend feels about hugging or touching.   It just happened at that young age, and no one did anything wrong.   But in talking to her about how this phobia is probably traceable to that event, it brought up things in my life that were probably imprinted early on.

Blame (for the donors)-ER see the quote below that Spermy left on this blog:

"Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations, buy his daughter pets, paying for college tuition, until you flunked out for the third time, etc. Not the best dad I admit"  ***one might wonder where the Father of The Century Plaque and Trophy went, as I am quite sure that he never received it.

One, I guess he did not get the memo that children require care, and families require care which usually includes working.   Somehow I get the feeling that I am being blamed for his having to work, and then sucking up the money by being the "accidental" child.  BTW I have had multiple jobs without having a child.  Spermy was a teacher with the summers off, and this is when he did his "second job", which did NOT go on for most of his life. 

It would be like me complaining that he wasn't a doctor and I couldn't have the privileged life and stuff that I wanted.  So very glad he put that in writing.   He mentioned recently that he does not believe in face book to a relative.   Yeah, I wouldn't want shit like that out there about me either, especially if I was stupid enough to write it myself (while trying to convince my offspring to reconcile with me).   Or have the pretense of it anyway for appearance sake.

Some families, and I know this is crazy talk, enjoy going on family vacations together.  And he says this like we did this after I was aged five.   We did not.   I also didn't realize what really horrible company I must have been on a family vacation.   I only know that at age five, I was not asking them to rent a house for me on the Cape (eyes roll).

College, I flunked out twice, and paid for all of it.  I apologized (I am not sure why now) repeatedly for this offense that had nothing to do with him, as he did not full fill the divorce financial obligations, which is why I felt forced to go to college right away in the first place.   No one was interested on where I went, what I was doing and getting out of it.   I was just a pawn in divorce proceedings.   But once I did what I knew was right, which was to take a couple years off and work, it all fit into place, and I put myself through college again.   I graduated Magna Cum Laude by the way with a 3.5.

I am pretty sure that I am to blame for the state his marriage was in, for the miserableness of his life, and the reason why people may be questioning his "way" his own offspring.

My mother definitely blames me for our estrangement.   My taking out of context, lies, and the ability not to be able to read what she writes in black and white---all according to her my fault for the estrangement.   Not to mention that I was the one to make it a final thing.   How dare I?  Since it was infinitely discussed with me that I was "the accident" by her, I can only imagine how far that blame goes down the pike.  I have felt it my whole life, and not known what it was.   Weren't other families like this?

Sort of unrelated but I frequently tell my husband what movies my parents used to take me to when I was quite young.  They were not appropriate for someone of my age, especially the late night ones at the drive in theatres.   I thought it was cool for me back then.   But my husband asked "so they had no one to look after you, so your movie go outs were them just dragging you along to movies that they wanted to see?"   I mean it never even occurred to me that my parents, like parents I see now doing, weren't waiting for a Toy Story to bring me to OR bringing me along to see things that I was requesting.  I was just something to be brought along.   I know I am not explaining it right, it's not the movie part that bothers me.   It's the utter lack of interest that my donors had in their own offspring, and have continued to have....I am only useful to them as an extension of them somehow.

Envy (for me)-I do not envy my donors at all.   They are both possessed of things that are material.   I think they are more of a weight to them for the amount of admiration they seek from other people for their "stuff".  

Envy (from the relatives)I was once surprised that a relative said to me (about me moving to York Maine near the beach) "some of us are going to think *why you?*  Why does she get this and that?"  Such a nice thing to say NOT.  Then just last year, my Aunt said to me "we are all happy for the things that you have Robin".  I was surprised to find me, the black sheep, to be the target of envy.  Not nice envy either but begrudging envy.  

How dare I have made my way successfully to a good place without them?   I am supposed to fail, I am supposed to be human garbage, and for sure I am not allowed to live near the beach.  

Have I mentioned how materialistic and greedy my family is on that side?   They used to split up the grandparents stuff in front of them when they were alive.   Actually in front of all of us.   Nice, huh?   I only wish I had found my voice then so I could let them know how appalling they were acting.   We are talking about an old Italian couple who lived through the Depression and did not come out wealthy or anything remotely like that.


mulderfan said...

Blame: Still not sure how you can "blame" an innocent kid for being an "accident". Hell, even back in 1946 they had condoms (I know for sure because when I was 13 they told me the whole "got drunk and forgot to use one" story.) I'm assuming your parents not only had access to birth control but abortion as well. So, in effect, the accident becomes planned.

On my side, I did "blame" them for making me drink and, in truth, they were my number one trigger. I understand now that I "allowed" them to make me drink because I lacked the skills to cope with the crap they dished out. Sixty plus years of conditioning will do that.

Envy: I don't "envy" them all of their miserable money. I actually pity them when I see them passing their bank books back and forth in front of the daughter that just drove an hour to visit them. (NOT kidding!) They even cut their three granddaughters our of their will because "they might not spend it properly." One thing they really like is to feel superior to those with less money. Bugs the ass off them that their daughter is not one of those thanks to them. Like you, I worked my way through university while my brothers got a free ride.

I do "envy" them because after 68 years, at ages 89 & 92, they still have each other. When my mother is whining about her latest hang nail she seems to overlook this astonishing piece of luck!

How about pity? I actually have an amazing relationship with my daughter and I pity them for having no idea what that can be like. I pity them for never having experienced the unconditional love of a pet. They characterize their lives as boring and lonely, but for that I don't pity them one bit!

Thanks for another great read!

BTW Almost rescued a rottweiler/shepherd puppy but someone beat me to the shelter! Next time!

Winterskiprincess said...

Yes, they did have access to both birth control and a possible abortion. I guess a condom was not considered as there was no penetration (how cool that I know all the facts). So my mother was still virginal when I was born, which means I am probably the next coming LOL NOT.

My mother did consider the abortion route. She could have also NOT MARRIED my father. A novel idea in those times perhaps, but entirely possible. I am sure that my grandparents would have provided support and help. I am not entirely sure that life would have been much better for me being in just the female donor's care however.

I have a friend whose first child was born under somewhat similar circumstances. They would most likely rather loose a limb that make or want their child to feel that they were unwanted at any point. They were totally horrified that I was made so aware of it. Their child does not know, and is considered a blessing by both parents. How weird, right?

It's funny that my father talks about taking care of pets for me, but I never was taken out to select any pets. They just appeared at the house, and yes I loved them. Then when I grew up, my male donor lovingly neglected them to death.

My pets were my closest friends growing up, and in their memory I try to give the absolute most that I can for not only my pets, but my clients pets.

DisturbedAngel said...

Ah yes, the accusations of "flunking out" of college. I, too, got accused of flunking out when, in reality, I failed ONE class which I then retook with a different teacher and got an "A" in. Other than that, I withdrew from a college algebra class like 3 times because the teacher was HORRIBLE. (After the first time, I signed up twice again, supposedly with a different teacher, only to have the first teacher show up to teach!)

My GPA? It was a 3.9 by the end. Yeah, I'm such a "flunkie". I've actually applied to have a transcript sent to me recently just to validate what I already know is true - that I most certainly did NOT flunk out, not even close. Am tempted to forward a copy to NM and NHS just to shove it in their lying faces.