Saturday, November 27, 2010

Been There Done That EFOO Communication During The Holidays

I should first of all say, this comes from the point of view of someone who honestly felt they needed to cease a relationship(s) for their own well being.   So that would make me the "estranger".   Although I sometimes wonder with the actions taken by my EFOO if I am not really the estrangee, as I sometimes feel I was forced into taking the only option.   There was never any real attempt to mend fences with me or acknowledge boundaries, quite the opposite as a matter of fact.   In any case, I am the estranger of this story.   I am certain that holiday communications might effect other individuals differently, and possibly more likely affect the estrangee differently.

Mostly in the current day, the main contact that I might have is to see one or the other on my sitemeter tracker.  The exception being this year at the beginning of the month, Eggy tried and succeeded in getting my attention with a series of blog posts.   It was well before the Thankful day, however, and so it did not impact my enjoyment of the holiday so much.

Very early on in the estrangement with Eggy, about the only time I would get contact was around those holidays.   It was not pleasant even if it was just a card.   It made no sense that there was silence all the rest of the days, but *BAM* on the holidays there it was.   Why not wish me well on a day that was not my birthday, or Xmas, or Halloween, or Thanksgiving?   I concede and thought that it wasn't meant to hurt at the time, but it did.   I preferred not to hear from her on the holidays or my birthday when we were estranged.  In fact, due to the fact that the last straw was her insatiable need for the correctly appropriate present to her status as "Glorified Eggy" it was a real sore spot to hear from her.

With Spermy, I had initially agreed to keep the lines of communication open.  In that spirit, I wrote an e-mail around Thanksgiving to keep him in the loop, an e-mail when we moved with our contact info, and a card at Christmas.   I had asked for limited contact as I had concentrated on "our relationship" and doing it as he wanted for 18 years, and now I needed to concentrate on unpacking and setting up my business here.   His excuses for the monster and both of their actions were not high on my list to spend time on.   One would think he would have understood, as I got this excuse from him all the time, and not in a pleasant and reasonable way.   However, he took umbrage, and did not return the greetings.  He never explained when HE wanted to keep the communication open, why HE didn't at least acknowledge receipt of the Thanksgiving e-mail.   Then he ripped up the card because the monster's name was not on it at Xmas (it's all about appearances folks, not reality in my family, even when it's apparently well known that I would not wish that troll a happy anything).   I am guessing that he did not want contact during the holidays .   I was relieved about that, as I no longer had to dutifully keep the lines of communication open in my mind.   He said it as usual just for show, that he was being a good Spermy.   Yeah, right.   His actions sent me the right message which his vocal cords and fingers were no longer equipped to do.

It does upset me when I see he's been on my page around the holidays.  Also, he knows where my other blogs are, so it's not to be sure that I am doing alright in life, as he claims.   He is just so filled up with BS.  Although recently a relative claimed he said nothing to them about the estrangement, I know that they were lying.  How?  Because his twisted and intentional mis-"understanding" of his reasons were reiterated to me on a 50th anniversary by a cousin in law who had never met me before!!   How odd that she would think it was his racial slurs (which are not the reason, and yet don't make him all that appealing to me) were the reason for our estrangement or his hatred of females.   So that is such bullshit that he is not trying to make excuses for why his only off springs does not want to engage with him, and why he flips out when he reads the real and known reasons on my blog.   Imagine if someone else saw  that, who he knows and those things were not mentioned by him!!

Not that he needs to worry, his siblings were all drilled to death that their parents were always right no matter what.  I often wondered what would have happened to me if physical or sexual abuse was going on, as I have little doubt that this would have been justified and looked over somehow.  So the fact that my donors emotionally and verbally assault me in adulthood and don't respect boundaries is of no concern to them.   What they might want to consider, however, is that THEY actually did have loving parents.   They are so appearance driven though, I am sure that they think that is only a word and not an action.

So, I got a little off the path there, no I do not like to hear from my EFOO during the holidays.  I think they no longer like to hear from me either, and that is fine.   It took so long to get here.    This is why when well meaning family asks "but what about later on, won't you regret...."   I have been through deaths of loved ones.  I don't want my time wasted on people who are fake and unloving towards me.   I want to be there for the ones that are.   When my donors die, I am sure that I will grieve for what I did not have as a family unit.   The fact that they are dying or dead will not change what was or what would have ultimately been.   To relive that story again would not only be painful beyond belief to me, but personally damaging to me as well.   I did not take care of myself before because I couldn't.   I was too young, naive, and believing that a word was a representation of the act.   I also did not have the communication skills to stand up for and protect myself.   I do have those things now, and I won't waste them.

For me a great gift on the holidays is not hearing from them at all.   Spermy and I reside in the same place parts of the year, so seeing him does not even upset me.   It's just lovely not hearing from him, and his constant put downs included even in his fake apologies LOL.

Sorry which reminds me another thing that well meaning family members seem to ask if I don't mind tarnishing "his legacy".  Isn't a legacy something you earn and make on your own through hard work?   No, I am not responsible for "his legacy", he is.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving !!

I am thankful for sleeping in this morning (clearly).   I am thankful for my husband who has started Thanksgiving dinner, and is waiting for me to come down and cook with him.   I thankful for warm cinnamon buns and coffee.   I am thankful for Leon and Boris who keep it warm under the covers.   I am thankful that the wind gusts are gone so that I can walk the dogs (including Lola, Gus, Buddy, Jake, and Tommy) in the woods without being too worried that a tree will fall on me or a dog.  

I am thankful for the yummy food that I am going to eat and help prepare shortly.  And again, mostly thankful that everyone and everything that I care about is alive today:)

Friday, November 19, 2010

15th Year Anniversary

It's not the actual day or anything of the estrangement. That was a few months back or forward in the year of 1995, and I didn't realize it was the start of something in my life. I also didn't realize that saying "no, my most important priority is NOT making sure you get exactly what you want on your birthday via a list that you send to me of approved items". It was not like Eggy didn't get birthday presents, she did....she just decided to inform me that she didn't like any of my presents. She decided to inform me of this, and then make demands after we received a package for my husband's April birthday in September or October.   You know that old baseball glove that we had just been pining for all year (eyes roll---cause the husband liked to watch sports, and wouldn't already have his own baseball glove).

She claims later to not have known what was going on (as far as my husband's surgery was going).   I know she did, I sometimes managed to get a word in edgewise between the  "memememe and then there was mememeememe and then IIIIII".   Also, I really could have given a crap whether she knew or not.  WTF!!   What kind of person does this?   I seriously came out of that?   Come on, there must be some mistake.   (there is an uncanny physical resemblance that makes the "switched at birth" theory seem unlikely...)

I received this request just as my husband was about to go into surgery to get six inches on his colon taken out. I wonder if the timing wasn't such that I was working sixty hours a week, my husband was about to have major surgery, and the bizarre timing of a gift so she could get a gift....would I have just given in like the good little mouse of a daughter that I had been? Would I have just rolled over? I like to think I wouldn't have, but I might have to be perfectly honest. I was just fed up at the time, it was the very final last straw in the millions of straws received.

A gift, a fucking gift, that is what was worrying this woman? How about no fucking gift, how about that? How about you buy yourself things you like, and I buy myself things I like? Despite my mothers fictional stories about rushing to my rescue with a bike that I needed (hahaha), I could afford things. I wasn't asking for anything, and did not ask for the bike or anything else she gave me. I didn't type out lists of what I wanted every year. Isn't that for children to do for Christmas? Weren't we adults now? I was at least. I didn't want anyone stressing out that they may not have gotten me exactly what I wanted every year, and guess frigging what, I didn't get exactly what I wanted BUT I APPRECIATED THE THOUGHT THAT WENT INTO MY GIFTS. What a ingenuous holiday concept!  Now unfortunately, I have recently found out exactly what those thoughts were, and I WISH WISH I had known that then.   I would have in exact detail which orifice to shove her "gifts".

She wanted this to improve "our relationship".   As  Dr Phil would say "how did that work for you?'   Because spending time with someone, listening to someone, supporting someone emotionally, and not spending every conversation talking endlessly about one's self could not possibly be a way to improve a relationship.  Crazy talk!

All that though, that's old news.   Fifteen year old news, Eggy hadn't finished yet.  After all, she was denied what she wanted.  I dared to utter that one word "no".  Here we are 15 years later, and the bitch female donor still tried to solicit my attention by committing outright libel when two previous other posts failed to reel me in.   The accusation of cyber theft did manage to get my attention unfortunately and divert my attention from trying to enjoy perhaps one holiday in which I do not have to grieve anything or anyone.  But the cunt female donor needed to be the center yet again.   If I had just thought to think that not only was this the holidays but also her birthday month my 15th independence day, I would have been so much more prepared to just ignore the twat female donor.

Meanwhile the thought my Eggy put into my presents was her imaginings of what a loser life I was leading. I guess I could only aspire to be where she was at that same age, in a loveless marriage, being miserable teaching, and having her husband dictate for her what she could and could not do. I am guessing Eggy might have been just the least bit jealous, and wanted her payment for the life she missed.....due to "the accident".  Well, here it is honey, here is your payment.   Happy Anniversary to ME!!!   FUCK OFF TO YOU!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Eggy is MOST Thankful for Herself

You will so to your left a blog called "Suburban Black Sheep".   They have great postings on there that they call "Notes from the N-Playground".   I am totally running away with the idea for myself, solely because I have a great one to share.   This was posted the day after Eggy both put up a blog that implied I was cyber stealing from her starting in 2009, and subsequently took it down when I told her I could contact the Lancaster PA Police and FBI to look into that for her, while explaining libel and the consequences of committing libel on purpose like.  Here is what female donor, Eggy, posted:

I was looking for something to make me laugh: Don't passive-aggressive smile-face me!

Oh, SHE needed some cheering up after posting falsehoods (which basically were the call to her egg to (PAY ATTENTION TO ME, WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT ME, PAY ATTENTION TO ME, I DON'T THINK I HAVE HURT YOU ENOUGH LATELY).  Poor widdle baby girl, got awl in twouble like, and now she needs some cheewing up.  Well at least I was suspect five in back of four other possible people that are pissed off and hating her.  Wonder if it's her creepy admirer from last year that was posting on her birthday video?

Aw look, she's just satan a little old lady.   I wonder if she is bopping this guy her admirer is someone else that got screwed (literally or figuratively, you choose).  How surprising to see a video quite literally all about her on her birthday!   Wonder what she will be thankful for this year?

EGGY:   I am thankful for me.   Then I am thankful for myself.   Then my art is thankful for me.   My photos, they are also thankful for me.   The birds, trees, and flowers all say thanks to me!  And Jimmy, can you let us know how thankful you are for me too?

JIMMY:     Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, what er huh?   Oh yeah yeah, thanks for you.  So thankful that I have gun under the bed should life go on just a little bit longer.   Yeah, that's right, thanks for you hon.   No, no I am listening, you just go on talking about yourself bitch  sweetheart.

The Month of Thanks-Will Be Most Thankful For

I don't mean to start on a downer OR to jinx myself, but I am MOST thankful that no one has died this year.   We did have a customer's dog, Petey, who I have known from puppy hood that left us this year.  However, that is bound to happen especially as I am entering a decade in the business.

so far our loved family members and our beloved pets remain healthy and happy.   This will  be a truly magical year if we can make it to the end.  We have had a personal major deaths for the last seven years.   We actually thought last year we were going to be spared, but our dog, Jackie CD, died on the morning of Christmas.

By the way, the majority of these deaths have occurred in November or December, so I am not the holiday freak that I used to be.  What I want for Christmas is for everyone and thing that I love to be alive not only this year, of course, but for as long as it is physically possible for them to be.

Uh, honey, where are you going with that ladder, extension cord, and chain saw?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Three Things...

  1. Apparently of the 18 posts I have done this year, November has 12 posts in it (Yipes, I really let the female donor get to me, as well as the indirect message from a relative).
  2. If you look to the left, you will see some bloggers that I have been following, and have discovered some others there through following.  Each has a different and unique story that is helpful and thought provoking.  An estrangee or enstranger may find some real helpful insight there.   Not all of these bloggers are estranged by the way, but detailing the angst that can go on in dysfunctional families.  
  3. As these blogs grow, the story changes into something else.   It is not always easy to glean the pertinent points of the story or root causes.  So I have included one summary page, and one more detailed page that goes over the main points of my story.
I am hoping for no further diversions that will cause an Italian style erruption on my part.   Dealing with these feelings again have been exhausting.  I have managed to spend a whole day not paying attention to the female donor's blog OR anything she may have posted in reply.  It's time to let go, and I am going to give it one more try.  

If you don't hear from me until after the holidays, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!   Try to enjoy and don't let the jerks get you down.

Humor and All It Hides

I did something big yesterday.   I mean big for me.   Communication is not something that happened normally or easily in my family.   In fact, I got the shock of my life in college once when a close friend says "you know you only call when you need something".   I was not where I am today to understand where that came from, but I realized it to be the truth.  I did not know why.   I understand now that the attention that I got from my donors was when they needed something.  Not just a hello or how are you doing?   So when I wanted to see my friends, I actually manufactured up stuff I needed to get their attention.  Way too deep for a 19 year old to understand, but I did change the way I communicated with my friends thereafter. 

Poor things though, I "cooked" for them as an excuse to get them over.   They MUST HAVE been very good friends then.  Hahahaha.  As a belated apology, I had no idea how bad my cooking was then.   I was eating soup out of cans cold, so my standards were not very high at the time.  I used to get anchovies on my pepperoni pizza just so I would have food left over the next day:)  Yet, they smiled, talked, and thanked me at the end of the meal.   Never did they let on that what they may have been eating was garbage:)  

The point is that my learned pattern of communication is something that I never recognized as being a problem.   It is a problem that I have sought to solve, but it hasn't been easy.   It involves putting oneself out there to people, who do not make them feel either safe or loved. 

So when I got a circularly distributed message sent to me, I licked my wounds for a bit.   Then yesterday it came to me, why not just take out the third party?   They have a phone, I have a phone.   Sure enough, the two lines connected, and I had a calm discussion with someone about their being able to talk directly to me if they have something to say.

It was very weird talking to a relative that has not once talked to me in four years (not either of my donors by the way).   It is actually fine that they don't, we don't have any kind of "real" relationship.   I used to spend time letting them know to come over, and then I just realized they had no interest in doing that.   So why was I spending my time worrying about that?   These are people in good times that I saw once or at the most twice a year!!  We had no more than the most superficial of conversations every year.  We can all ignore the truth and cling to tradition, but why?   What is the point exactly?   Why must I dance for their approval, and seek out their interest?  I have done the obligation thing, and it is no fun to dance with oneself, let me tell you. 

Why not just be real?   I mean not so real where you are like, when are you going to get rid of the wart with three colored hairs growing out of it real?  Plus that would be a really superficial thing to comment on, but I think my point is clear.   Here is my reality, there is more to being a family then sharing DNA.   I think that they think I sit at home alone pining for contact of any sort LOL.  It would never occur to them that I do in fact have a family, it just does not happen to include them.   It includes other people who I did not grow up with, and that is okay.   I am fine with it.  I am in a good place.

My relative said a very weird thing "we are all happy for the things that you have".  You don't have to look far to know that I am not about material things as a basis for my happiness.   Yes, I have house near the ocean with a good amount of land for my dogs to run on.   It also is a house that supports my business and my husband's job and headquarters.   We don't love the place because someone might think it's impressive, we love it because of what it affords us to do with our lives.   I adore the woods, and I own some of it.   The dogs love the woods too.   Our cars are both over 10 years old.   Our furniture is all used except for two pieces I believe.  Most of it given down to us by Robert's side of the family from their pre-deceased relatives.

Then there was the "what if our daughter didn't talk to us"?   Is that, like, within my power?   I guess I am a bad influence on my cousin, and I didn't realize how MY situation was directly impacting my relative.  It's interesting that they picked the female off spring, as this relative had a very bitter relationship with their female parent.  I would rather have no relationship based on being honest, then a false and bitter relationship based on repressed loathing through my whole life.   That's just me though.   And if it the truth comes out, and both parties can be honest and move on, it just might happen that a real relationship springs out of it.

This is very doubtful in my case just so you know.   I have no regrets about my decision and except for an occasional blip that is hurtful, I am very much at peace with this decision.  Does it make me cry or blue sometimes, well yeah sure?   Last time I checked I was made out of flesh and blood.

So now I go through all that, and see that my title of the post was "Humor and All It Hides".   I am not easily distracted, no really, I am not.   In talking to the relative, I of course made several jokes, that they clearly were not getting.   Like in saying "what if our daughter didn't talk to us", I said "why do you think we didn't have kids?  I didn't want to mess up as much as my (parents is what was said) donors did."   It's hard not to put up that screen to deflect away the hurt that you have at someone.   They are so worried about Spermy.  Spermy is an adult with 20 years on me.   I am know that he has made (and continues to make) those choices that effect the rest of his life.   I do believe he is not insane, and therefore entitled to continue making those choices as an adult.   It's as if I am the only one in this estrangement that is holding back.

And the beat goes on.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Post Office and Angel Stamps

The yellow slip in my box told me that a package was waiting. The usual quarterly deliver of our medicines that scream "you are no longer 19 years old!" The reminder is brings up memories of my Grandmother's pillbox in some very disturbing ways.

As it happened, an elderly lady had made it to the postage desk before me. She is very cute in her track suit, and the cash in her wallet that she probably takes out monthly from the bank for groceries and such, just like my Grandmother did. Her list of tasks is well organized, and she scans the post stamp selection. "Cats and dogs like last time" asks the Postman. She takes off her glasses and peers closer, "What is this one then?". The Postman answers "That is an Angel with her lute".

She peers closer, and I can tell she is not sure whether to believe him or not. "I'll take those she says". I smile warmly at her as she comes back. "Postage stamps are so ugly these days" the lady says smiling back. As the Postman walks away she asks "Is that an Angel?" I look closely for her, truth to tell my eyes aren't what they once were either, and I say "Yes, and very appropriate for these holidays coming up."

The lady winks at me and says "Everyone needs an Angel this year. People are going through tough times".

This will give me a warm feeling throughout the day. I should have hugged her, or asked if SHE needed anything. I was too touched by the sentiment to think clearly at the time.

Is There a Difference Between a Sociopath and a Narcissist

Often I wonder if there is a difference between someone who is a sociopath and someone who is a narcissist. I did a piece once on the difference between bullying and a control freak, because there seemed to be an overlap in that area as well. Sometimes it is best to go to the actual definitions to eek out the differences between some of our similar yet different meanings.

Here is some interesting sources of information on the qualities of a sociopath:

Profile of a Sociopath definition

How to Spot Mr. or Mrs Cold or Charming

Here are some interesting sources of information on the qualities of a narcissist:

Profile of a Narcissist

Definition of Narcissist

How to Spot a Narcissist

Here are some interesting sources that talk about the differences between a sociopath and a naricissist:

The Sheep and The Wolf

Discussion on the Difference Between a Narcissist and Sociopath

Narcissist or Sociopath, What is the Difference?

Basically, it seems that in order to exist, the Narcissist needs YOU (or their victim) to validate their special rarified existence.

To a Sociopath, YOU (or their victim) are but a plaything, and a means to an end.

The Holidays-Gobble Gobble??

I know that the holidays are a time of confusion, stress, and loneliness for many estranged during the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are no longer my favorite holidays, but NOT as one would think because of the estrangements. In fact, once I was no longer getting tense, irritable, and waiting for it to be over...without truly understanding why or investigating it too deeply, holidays became not traditional but enjoyable again.

Unfortunately, we have suffered some very personal losses around the months of November and December. Thanksgiving has become the time where I celebrate my Italian grandparents or think about them a lot. Their holidays were always fun and loving events. I have even been learning (with my husband) to cook somethings that bring back those wonderful and warm memories. Sweet potato pie with plenty of large fluffy marshmallows on top, for instance, is a must on Thanksgiving. My grandfather passed away a few days after our last Thanksgiving, and that is why I usually spend the day thinking about the both of them. My grandmother lived a good while longer, but as one might imagine there was sadness there between only having one of eight siblings still alive and the death of her long time and much beloved husband.

I always kid that I missed the cooking gene that my grandmother had in abundance, and think I should have been paying attention when she was sewing, cooking, knitting, and crocheting. She loved cooking for me, and so didn't ask me to help that much. I wish I had insisted on being involved and paying attention at the time. My husband obviously paid attention when his mother was making their dinners in the kitchen, and it shows!! So part of honoring my grandparents has been enjoying cooking with my husband and beginning to learn just a little bit about what goes into it.

I have never really had a problem with baking, and that is most likely because it is very much about measuring exactly. I understand the exacting directions of baking.

Our "traditional" Thanksgiving has become preparing dinner and taking the dogs for a walk on the beach. I am sure football makes it's way in there as well.

Unless I am in a room full of people that I like and know (as opposed to being in a room full of people that I see exactly twice a year, as in the past---this actually used to include my sperm donor--our total annual conversation could probably be less than two hours and about 5 to 15 minutes on the holidays) is so much more enjoyable. Thanksgiving does not happen to be a day that this syncs due to my business, and we often have lots of canine guests. I enjoy our Thanksgivings. It is a day of thanks for me for knowing the love of my Italian grandparents, and for those other family members that selflessly (and without an agenda of theirs or someone else) reach out to me.

I am also extremely thankful for my husband and my great dogs. I am thankful that I do what I want for a living and not what others expected of me or wanted to inflict onto me. I am thankful to have a roof over my head and food in my mouth (and my dog's mouths) during this hard economy. I am thankful to be free of a prior life that was damaging to me, and to instead embrace all the wealth of love that I have now.

Not everyone has this reaction or experience. After all, their estrangements are likely quite different than mine. So keep in mind those family members that may be suffering with divorce, estrangement, empty nest syndrome, or can't get around to the places they used to like they once did. (this is a suggestion to the general and non estranged public) For the estranged having a problem, give yourself a break. We can't always turn on the "happy" button. If you can enjoy the day, do. If it is a source of stress and grief for you, I would advise that you allow that to come out at least once on a holiday. Everyone grieves differently. I have found that embracing it on occasion can let go the "time release" of the pain. If I let it have the day or the week, then I seem to heal faster.

Everyone is different though. As close as my husband and I are, we have very different grieving styles. So be aware of that when watching others go through their times of pain, and try to be empathetic to this.

Just one more thing, there does not have to be "assigned" days to spend with your family. We have spent time with our family on other days, and had great times and memories. A lot of times, they make us feel like we are on vacation even when we are still working during the day, just by spending some hours at the beach boogey boarding or touring the town with us. Holidays are really just big marketing schemes to secure some big shopping days, if you think about it logically.

NOTE: That is if you are not religious, and then their are other meanings in the holidays. I happen to be agnostic, so there is no deep meaning in those days other than happy memories raiding the stockings at my grandmothers house with my cousins!!

NOTE2: This can also be a time of hurtful contact. This can come in the form of a direct letter, e-mail, or more subtle passive aggressive behavior of spreading lies, untruths, and paranoid fantasy's about a you that simply does not exist! If this person is not someone who truly loves you and has your well being at heart, please see it for what it is, a cry for attention or another attempt to harm you. Sometimes it feels good to react, and I am not going to suggest that anyone not indulge in that on occasion. Just be aware, this is what this unkind person wants...desperately...and not so they can hug and embrace you later on OR so that any boundaries will be adhered to in the future. At some point, after years of paying attention, you will hopefully know the difference, move on, and just be sad for them.

Be aware, that when you ignore them, things tend to spin out of control. As in my previous article on narcissists, the very worst thing you can do to them is to ignore them, because they cease to exist without the mirror reflecting back at them. At least if you respond, they can say you are unwell, crazy, and sick. Usually that really is their reflection, and has nothing to do with you.

At the point where you have become complacent that they might feel bad about lies that they have spread about you, is exactly the time you will find that the will to stop hurting you has again ended. What they hopefully don't fully understand (this comes with time), is that you are so oooovvvvveeerrr it:) They should also be careful if it can be proven that they are lying, that written libel does not need proof of damage (use it, that usually shuts their traps up fast, if you care enough to shut them up).

Well a once in a year and a half, not too bad progress

In training dogs, I talk a lot to my clients on progress. One should measure progress, track progress, and most of all know to recognize and acknowledge progress.

Sometimes we all fall back, but we should pat ourselves on the back for the challenges we have already conquered. Instead we often put ourselves down for being human. I don't congratulate myself a lot. I am not a boaster of accomplishments. I don't insist that others recognize my accomplishments even if I think they are pretty cool (except in the signature of my business cause that is part of marketing, which I am pretty poor at).

Reading my posts, I give myself the same titles (dumb, pathetic) that I have given my Donors. Once in a while I should give myself a little chuck under the chin, and say "well good job and all, buddy."
So Eggy pulled me in after not being successful for the last year and a half. The attempt to publicly accuse me of a crime, that I know she knows I wouldn't do and strongly suspect was made up in the series of posts (to pull me out of the wood work), did manage to get my very public attention (also an offer to call the Lancaster PA Police or FBI for her). Since then, Eggy wisely took down that post.
I am happy that I don't feel that same need for attention or acceptance from her. I am done, and have been done for 10 or 9 years now. It was stupid to allow her to pull me in with her fiction, and the attempt is pretty obvious. But hey, going without reacting for a year and a half is a pretty stellar accomplishment. People quitting cigarettes don't have it that easy.
It's been since 5/2009 that I have allowed either Donor to annoy me. Except for the post about sharing the beach with Spermy on my birthday this year, I don't think I have directly mentioned my family members.

I remember when these circumstances upset me daily, weekly, and sometimes took chunks of time (weekly) to settle down from them. This time I lasted a year and a half (I wasn't angry with anyone on my birthday post, just talking about having to explain to other family).

So good job. Way to go! It gets better and easier truly it does. I am not kidding when I do say I feel truly grateful that the Egg can not help but post publicly about how she feels about me online. It's a gift to be guilt free about that. Other people have to keep guessing at their donor's intentions, as their thoughts have not been typed out neatly for them. In looking forward to Thanksgiving, I will give thanks that it is very transparent and obvious for me.
Good job to me. When this journey began, I don't think I could have seen the day when this would not have been a constant annoyance to me:) Now off to my day of beach walking, dog training, dog walking, and enjoyment of the company of my husband. I have a pretty magical life, even when things aren't going totally my way:) Karma seems to largely like me.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Hershey Bars and the man that Was Grampa

This will be the last unhappy family story for awhile. It just occurred to me not to long ago (yeah that is how dumb I am, seriously), and this seems an appropriate time to blog about it. With the present and donor connection and all, and what "gifts" can actually mean with my particular donor units.

I had a grandfather on my Egg Donor side. He lived in an apartment, which her rarely left, and drank gambled and smoked cigars all day long. Occasionally he would call up, and if he got me on the phone would detail how he would go about killing himself if Eggy didn't call him back. Yeah, no steps were taken to protect me from this, as Eggy's parents had hurt her much more. So this was my slack to attend to. Spermy didn't think about it one way or the other, I don't think, except possibly how it affected him. Stellar parenting skills my donors had. Which would be forgivable if there were any redeeming qualities about Spermy and Eggy. It was later on brought to my attention, why Eggy did not ever attempt to protect me. I had just assumed that Eggy didn't catch on. Book wise Eggy might have some brains, but common sense wise...or empathy wise.....give me a break. I am lucky I didn't end up as "well attended" to as her beloved cats or our dog Major that made it a whole two years with the way Spermy still allows his dogs to wander off lead and more have gone the way of Major...not to mention the abandoned cats left in the house to fair for themselves when Spermy moved out to enjoy the Monsters company.

Anyway, I was sure because of one thing that Eggy's donor must care about me. It was the Hershey bar packages that he would give me during the holiday visits. It always puzzled me why they smelled like they were marinated in cigars, especially since they came from the refrigerator. So this "man" gives me chocolate---deep down in there he must care about me.

To his credit, at least he wasn't expecting payment for "the gifts" as my donors expected returns (above and beyond reciprocal gifts by the way). It didn't even dawn on me later on, as Eggy tasked us with the clean out and close out of his apartment (I can not describe how totally disgusting this was, and how great my husband and his family were to help out. It was so disgusting, that I wanted nothing to do with what---when cleaned up---was probably some very nice bedroom furniture). There we found stacks and stacks of Hershey bar boxes, just basically warehoused in his apartment (they were thrown away, I mean they must have been their forever....they smelled lack they were marinated in cigars....)

Years later, thinking about presents and what those mean in my "delightful family", it dawned on me. These were tossed at me from a stack as one might give a friendly puppy when one does not want those attentions. Suddenly why this was the one sign of affection made sense, it soooo was not a sign of affection.

Those things hurt later on, even if the person was not worthy of you. You tend to blame yourself for being unlovable.
My Italian grandparents, who no doubt did love me, once gave me a dollhouse. My donors wanted to make an example (because I had another dollhouse), and it would be greedy of me to have to. They were great at giving out these painful lessons, Gosh forbid that I would have two dollhouses. They did not understand (nor did they have the capacity too) that I wanted that dollhouse because my grandparents gave it to me. I did make the wrong choice and kept the other dollhouse that I had since very little to appease the donors. Plus they thought it would be a great collectible later on (as they stored it in the mice infested attic when I grew up). It's okay that the dollhouse is gone, but it is staggering to me that the donors never understood that it was never the material things (that they so worship) that were important to me. It was the one thing that I could never get from, compassion, and empathy.
And I certainly am not looking for it now LOL. Well, at least not from Spermy, Eggy or Monster:) I am provided with what I need from other people who are far better.

On a different note, indirect inquiry from a relative

A relative that makes no attempt to have any sort of relationship with me, sent a message through his offspring (who does) asking this person to talk to me about ending the estrangement with my Sperm Donor.

We were having a nice dinner, and meeting a possible new addition to the family. I think I handled it well. I explained again, that I appreciate that Donor has not contacted me (well since the last inappropriate contact on my blog trying to shame me about college---which he didn't even pay for and which I apologized for more than 20 years ago---sigh) as has been requested by ME. That is unless some very specific changes come about, which includes respecting my boundaries and being to acknowledge my boundaries and that they exist. I believe I said "without a personality transplant, that is unlikely to happen";)

I am not hoping for that by the way. Some of it's funny, some of it's ugly, some of it's painful but I have done a lot of work on myself in the past five years. I have been able to acknowledge who my donors are, and why they do not work in my life. I have been able to face that they do not love or define love in the same way I do, and therefore, per my definition they never loved me. In fact, they seem to feed off hating me and abusing me (verbally and emotionally, and with the Sperm with the threat of hurling a heavy wooden chair at me, before smashing it on the ground, and with the step monster, slapping me out of a sound sleep one day when she didn't realize that Spermy was the one that was supposed to load the dishwasher). It's been all fun and games for them, as I spin and repress and try to make the best out of pleasing them.

That is not my life any more, and I thrive with that. I don't want to go back to that. I have done the work to get over any pathetic need for acceptance from them. I have looked at them, as I would never look at someone I loved, and found their characters and actions wanting. I would say that they had some balls to find so much about me to criticize considering their own white trash lives (and Spermy's penchant for hating women, using the S and N words and seeing nothing wrong with that while not in public---oh and hatred of alternative lifestyles) leave much to be desired.

Glass houses and stones and all of that... And as an excuse for deliberate abuse and hurt, well I don't accept it nor the "shit happens" and "people die so what" in regards to my mother in law. Nice loving empathetic people I come from. But you know, they didn't sexually abuse me and only let other people physically abuse me (or Spermy did anyway). Yeah, don't hold your breath my disinterested relative until you need to stick your big nose indirectly into my business, for the reconciliation. I have reconciled to never have that bastard in my life again, and I have embraced that as a very very good thing:)
I should say this November, that I am thankful that Spermy has kept to himself, and does not regularly post public falsehoods about me. However, I can appreciate that and not want the loser in my life. He has done enough to me, I have put up enough. And as I explained to him when he accused me of being a victim now, I said "nope, I was a victim them until I cut two particular parasites out of my life. now I am happy and usually healthy and not angry." Just keep the fuck away from me including the indirect messages to me, and blog posts about twenty years ago.
My obligations and duties (and payback) have been fulfilled long ago. 39 years work, 18 years of doing things Spermy's way against my better instincts. I am done, I have nothing left to give the donors of myself. That is reserved for people who are deserving and loving, even if they aren't perfect.
And to Spermy "just cause you don't live in a trailer, does not mean you aren't 100% white trash in my book".

Dear Karma

Please give this lady the swift kick in the ass every time she does something nasty. It appears that you have been doing your job. While I personally don't like to hurt people or want them in pain, if they are doing this to others, dear Karma, they need a lesson more severe than I can personally or even want to dole out to them. I am glad that you are out there, Karma to take care of that little chore for me.

Please keep doing this until she becomes a better person. I know that the reality of this happening is far fetched, but I believe it's the most possible when you are smacking her upside the head. If she never becomes a better person, please be sure, Karma, to hold her hand in her last moments.

Karma, also thank you for reminding me of what a foul human being she is, by letting me see the foul lies that she still insists on putting up on the Internet. It's not only the lies, but the things she says like "I realized I couldn't work in a gas station for the rest of my life".

Reality check here, I took a conscious two years off from college to find myself while WORKING two jobs (much like she did as a waitress when she was knocked up, before sponging off the city for a degree she never ended up using or enabled her to keep any job for awhile--see I can spin a loser story too, except mine is the reality). Some donors (or when not associated with the likes of mine----parents) would find this something to be proud of. I certainly learned about taking inventory, balanced cash, and those sort of worthless things. I worked as a janitor, ticket taker, and candy counter person at a cinema. The janitor position was very physically taxing as I had to push a vacuum that weighed almost as much as me. Between biking there (this was well before the theft of the bike) and having to clean two full cinemas and two bathrooms, I was kept pretty fit and healthy, plus I got paid.

I also managed to glean what I wanted to be, an opportunity that I had never really been given before. I already knew, as that fucking bitch knows, that I would be doing something else. I was 19 years old, and quickly later became employed by Paul Revere Insurance and excelled there, BEFORE I WENT TO COLLEGE (which although in the fictional universe my mother paid for, but I in fact paid my tuition for years I was successful and those that I was not). In fact if I had stayed there, and not moved on with my college career, I probably would have been a lot more successful, had a retirement plan, and much more vacation time then my later jobs before becoming self employed. I guess that makes me a loser, rather than someone doing what they want to do while living at the beach with the love of my life and my awesome dogs?

I am quite darned proud of my record, and most parents would be proud of their daughter that had worked so hard and taken care of themselves so well. Since I didn't realize the evil, nasty, foul nature of my mother at that point, I didn't tell her to shove the worthless presents that she bought me so she could be a "good mom", while thinking her foul and negative thoughts about me. Talking about leaving my bike unsecured and she needed to come to my rescue (two years later?). First of all, my bike was secured--has she ever heard of bolt cutters. Second of all, where we lived, which I didn't realize was next to a quite active tenement of prostitutes and drug dealers, where a family was gunned down in the middle of the night----the fucking least of my worries was that my bike might be stolen (or car, and a friends secured motorcycle disappeared within hours of being there). I could also afford my own fucking bike, and when she rushed to my rescue according to her fictionalized account (two years later when we lived in an entirely different apartment one block away from my work, which I enjoyed walking to even though a had an AUTO) by buying me a bike that weighed like 75 pounds, and hounding my husband to do all the "surprise birthday" footwork for her....I should have driven that thing right to where she lived and dumped it on her foul doorstep. I didn't even want a bike, but thought it would be rude to refuse a present. Where we lived had an abuser living above us that we had called into the police. I believe he broke into our storage area, and I wasn't about to call attention to myself (he had guns and knives up there) to get it back. Course it was my fault for living below someone where we regularly heard "no put back the knife" and when the police would show up----the woman would say nothing was wrong.

These are probably far from the last fictional stories (oh just look for user name imaginny in this search, I doubt I have found all of the stories as yet)that I will find about me penned by my dumb ass egg donor. I am thankful ,Karma, that you give me these frequent reminders of the right decision that I took far too long to make. Imagine this all started because I said "no" once. "Nope that is not going to happen for you", got far too much on my plate to give you gifts that you aren't even thankful for, and now worry that they are not the perfect representative of what you think you are.

Little victim, "what did I do that day to be called dumb and have my information linked on the blog?". Oh, gosh, doesn't she know sending five people after me that have all been educated in your fictional accounts of my life, would not be well received? Finding the never ending parade of falsehoods and the evidence of what a twisted fucking sense of reality that she manufactures to prop her worthless loser self up? Perhaps that's it. Apparently, there is a list of people that she does this to. And so I am not sorry that Karma kicks her sorry butt down the stairs regularly. She deserves it.

I gotta say, once upon a time I was a pretty good daughter. To make fun of parents who say "well I did not beat you or sexually abuse you", my proof of good daughterhood is that I didn't try to kill you in the middle of the night, and then parade around with your heads on sharpened sticks. So I must have been one hell of a daughter. I hope all the other people that she regularly pisses off to the point where they hunt her down to steal from her, are also able to exercise that sort of level of control.

My sincere thanks, Karma. Happy Holidays. Deliver to her everything that she deserves this holiday season, and thank you for the bang up job so far.

Too Nice, Wants to be Naughty

(another reposting that seems to relate to the recent thread. This was posted somewhere back in 2009, I think)

Some mental geniuses have criticized me for "not being a nice person". Well actually nice me usually means certain people feeling free to stalk, threaten, and creep me the F out. So ya, I am not nice me here.

I mean nasty parents (not all parents, just the stupid ingrate entitled ones) who are hating me instead of the children who want nothing to do with them. The person that donated the egg to this individual cocktail usually points them here.

The mean, it works, the vile insects slink back under their rocks to hunt for the more vulnerable vegetation and things that have evolved neither backbones or balls. My balls tucked under for a little while lately, and then I remembered how fun it is to have balls.

It's pretty important to have a backbone in these hard times too. And swearing, I love it. Perhaps because I am overly fond of fart humor as well. It gives a good punctuation to a situation that needs a big of inflammatory language.

And I think people that can not get over themselves, are pretty friggin hilarious. When they need to make big whoppers and lies up to elevate themselves, I am like a shark sniffing the blood in the water. Come to me baby.....

My counterpart smells the blood if this person detects anything remotely negative in what I write. Like about the estrangement with the Spermy of the story. Oh, Spermy was discovered again by Eggy, and what joy there must have been to hear from crazy person AGAIN. You know Spermy might understand that the gateway to reconciliation will not be found through that door. Not that there is a door, but it definitely would not be found through that door. Infidelity has a way of eroding trust in the long term. Just something for you married couples to think about, while you are still married. The divorce might just go a little more smoothly if you aren't bopping someone else during it. Just a thought for your consideration.

So if your kids end up not wanting to be around you later, you might have someone open to discussion with you. That is unless you are a rotten sniveling liar, and you have publicly posted this all over the place.

I'm not even using ink now, and it's a waste of my time LOL. Let's just say that I have discovered my iron balls again, and am treating them with the respect that they deserve!! The rest of you tuck tail and run, cause the beast is loose!!

OMG, did she just talk about balls?

Solutions and Suggestions to Stop Internet Libel in An Estrangement

Re posting of a past blog that seems oddly appropriate at the moment.

Have a relative frustrated because you are no longer talking to them (and deservedly so). Are they spreading lies about you on the Internet. Here are some creative solutions to stop the problem.

  • Post your own obituary. Be sure to specify there will be no public service, private ceremony only. Be sure that this person will either find it or be unwittingly notified about it by a their associates.
  • Hire an actor or actress to pretend they are you, correspond with them, and throw them completely off track (or make them think you are reconciled---just obvious problems are they will want to visit).
  • Let them know you forgive them, and want a relationship with them but the radioactive nuclear waste in your area (where you are quarantined by the army) makes this, sadly, impossible.
  • Send them creepy messages like "I just drove by your house" or "I know you were just on vacation". (My mother did this, and it quite effectively freaked me out).
  • Ask for money first thing whenever they call.
  • Have your cell phone barely charged on every conversation.

Monday, November 08, 2010

This Sperm and Egg Combo Advises---Don't F With Me Beyatch

****Sorry it was just too much. I had to release this rage one more time. It irks me, as I know this is just what the foul beyatch wanted. So think of this as returning the favor this holiday season.

I am never going to her website again, I think I can say (14 years later) I got a good idea of how this woman is...and I am good being way way away from her. She hates being called dumb (though in all irony the blog post she is talking about calls three other people dumb, I never imply that she is coming to my site, though the person who is implied to have come has an isp address from shrewsbury mass...but she says I always have to be right without even reading the post or understanding what it is about, but getting (her words) her reporters to post back to her) What is dumb is sending her online "reporters" to my site to harrass me, and what is dumber is to continue to piss me off with her lies and fantasies about me. I DO NOT PLAY, and when I do get into action it's not in a passive aggressive subtle sort of fashion.

Glad to see you have a healthy list of suspects of people (the cowardly she bitch has taken this post off her website now, guess we can call off the Lancaster police now about the supposed cyber theft of money?) that can't stand you guys. Jeez, and the funniest thing, you post that bogus post about me....and then blame me when you start getting harassed by someone when I am doing my best to ignore your insanity. Makes me wonder if this is just your fantasy post to get my attention. Well you got it, but not in the way you want it baby cakes. Sounds like you hang with an upstanding crowd.

All the stuff you have out there is in writing, and can be used against you in a court of law. Especially since I do not have to prove any financial hurt on my part, just that you lied about me in writing. And if you follow the bread crumbs of your untruths and paranoid fantasies, you can see anyone could find themselves to me.

I do it so much more directly AND legally. You might want to stop, as I have now directly identified almost everything related to you on my blog. I don't play, and may see fit to take it down when you apologize, fess up, and stop the shit entirely. I warned you that I was keeping tabs on what you write.

Oh, and then I could call you if you do not cease and desist, or is that what you are trying for? Because if it is, I never ever see a period of time where I will feel forgiveness for you or fondness of any sort. The reason for this is that I don't believe you are mentally ill or that what causes the foulness that lives inside you. Some people are just born without love, compassion or empathy for anyone but themselves.

Here is the other thing though, you are too much of a coward to e-mail such allegations to me as I am not afraid to do. Most likely you are ripping the phone jacks out of the wall for fear you will have to try and justify your miserable excuse for life and being.

Crimes can be reported to either the Lancaster Pennsylvania Police OR the FBI. If any crime does even exist, and if this is not your sad and pathetic attempt to be noticed after a long ignoring period.

I am more annoyed at you than normal today, as I found yet another version of your events online regarding a bicycle story. Yes, you manage to make anything you have done, and everything that you do ugly. I remember you hounding Robert to go get the bike, that I didn't want by the way. You claim one that I left my previous bike unsecured, which is untrue. We did live in a high crime area, where a family was murdered in a drug deal gone wrong....guess if I had been murdered, instead of having my bike stolen, it would have been some loser thing I did.

You know genius, when you got me the bike I HAD A FRIGGIN CAR. I walked to work because it was like a block away (perhaps a detail that someone so totally in not in love with themselves and all things them could have figured out), and I could certainly afford my own bike. It was understood to be a birthday present for me at the time. Thank you for soiling yet another memory of mine, and letting me know the ugly negative thoughts that go through your mind every day. I no longer need to read your blog, and am disappointed in myself at being sucked in again.

What you never understood about the Columbia that was stolen, was that it was my first bike and I loved THAT bike. Clearly you manufactured other reasons why I missed my bike, but this is the thing that you don't get about me. I am not material and I am not into "things". I understand that my bike was a thing, it was also a memory of times gone by in which my world was a lot more innocent, and it just may have been possible that I had loving parents. When I read the utter crap that you write about me, it just can not be possible that you loved me as anything other than your mirror. Unfortunately for you, the mirror started seeing that something was not right with the reflection.

I said the other day that I didn't think I hated anyone. Wow, I didn't know how wrong I was. Every time I try to forgive you or move on, you shit in front of me. I don't believe you are mentally ill either, or that if you are that is an excuse for your behavior. I find you to be a very ugly person inside, and feel bad how much it must hurt to live with the foul blackness that rests inside of you.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

It's kind of odd that I wrote the previous post...

I really hate labelling people and things. However, when describing traits or a problem, it really is helpful to understand what YOU are really saying. Otherwise, who else is going to know what you are really saying, if you use the wrong word or definition. OR if they themselves do not know the difference in terms.

I have been staggered at the amount of times these terms do in fact come up as a component of estrangement reasons. That being said, I have friends and/or family that also may embody some qualities that are...well not that attractive. The difference between my friends and those that may share those qualities that I can not identify with or befriend, is that the attractive qualities of my friends outweigh things that may be otherwise unattractive. Sometimes they make those other (normally unattractive) qualities endearing or funny.

It's hard to find the humor in someone who is trying their best to make your life miserable or meaningless except in regards to how it reflects on them.

In reading these things, much comfort can be found in finding a similar story to yours from others. Just today I found a post that could be from "future me" LOL. Frequently I find posts that could have been from "past me" just starting out in this journey. This journey has been a total of fourteen years in finding the balance that I needed in my life.

I hope others will find that, or have already found it too. It is a journey, and it takes a lot of work and travel into some unpleasant territory. It was territory that needed to be faced and acknowledged however.